Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both grunt]

- Sir, we just wanna donate sperms.

- Yeah.

- Don't come back.

- Cody said this was a sperm bank,

but I think it's just like an Italian restaurant

or something.

[laughter]

- [in Italian accent] In vitro!

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Dammit. We gotta find a sperm bank.

- Yeah, really.

I'm tired of spanking my monkey for a hobby.

I wanna go pro, you know what I'm saying?

[chuckles]

- Uh, what have we here?

Uh, spuh-- spuh--

- Spuh--

a place to spank your monkey?

- Spuh-- sperm--

uh, bank!

Sperm bank.

- Whoa! [chuckles]

That must be why its logo

looks like a schlong, wow!

[chuckles]

- Well, Beavis, let's go in there and spank our monkeys

and get paid for it.

- [snickers] Yeah.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

[laughter]

[soft music]

- ♪ Your mama ♪

[laughter]

- Whoa.

[laughter]

- Your mama. [laughs]

These are generations just sitting

around the campfire telling stories about your mom.

[chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head! [chuckling]

- Uh, look at that, Beavis.

It's a mom who cares about her son.

This song is not about your mom.

[chuckles]

- Eh, c'mon, Butt-Head. C'mon.

- 'Cause if it was, it'd be--

♪ Your mama ♪

♪ Went to the store to get the Plan B ♪

♪ Then did drugs during her pregnancy ♪

[chuckling]

- Shut up, Butt-Head!

- ♪ Your mama ♪

♪ Likes to have sex with lots of dudes ♪

♪ And leave you in a hot car ♪

[laughter]

- Oh, well, that's true.

- ♪ Your mama ♪

♪ Got in a fistfight with her caseworker ♪

[laughter]

- Oh, yeah.

I'd rather have that than one of these moms that, like,

cares about you, and she, like, is always around

'cause that turns you into a wuss.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Moms like that suck.

They're always like, "Uh, I'm Jeremy's mom.

I came to his play, uh."

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- "The play's so good, and Jeremy's the best part.

Uh, Jeremy, I love you."

[laughter]

If my mom ever said that to me, I'd kick her out of the house.

[chuckles] - Yeah, really.

In fact, it's kind of weird that you

just said it, Butt-Head.

Don't ever do that again.

I'll kick your ass.

[chuckles]

You shouldn't even joke about stuff like that, yeah.

- Beavis.

You seem upset.

Does this video bring up issues?

- Shut up, Butt-Head!

- Do you want to talk about it?

[chuckles]

I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.

- Eh, c'mon, Butt-Head.

- You know who's not here for you?

♪ Your mama ♪

- Shut up, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

- This sperm bank is pretty cool.

It barely looks disgusting at all.

- Yeah, yeah.

So, um, where do, eh, you know, make our contribution?

[laughs]

- Uh, looks like we gotta get in line.

- Eh, so we have to wait for all these guys

to spank their monkey?

[chuckles]

- Ugh, that old guy's probably gonna take forever.

- Yeah, really.

Well, pull up a chair, everybody.

- Next, please?

How can I help you?

- Uh, we wanna, like, get some money.

- Yeah, yeah.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

[laughs]

- You can use the ATM machine.

- We can? - Sure.

It's right out in the lobby.

- Um, Butt-Head, what do we do?

[chuckles]

- Uh, I think the sperm goes in this thing.

[chuckling]

- Whoa, it holds a lot.

Eh, I don't think I can reach.

Maybe if you give me a boost, I--

Ah!

- Dammit, Beavis, I'm not gonna have my hands

anywhere near you while you spank your monkey.

Leave me out of this.

- I guess I could just climb up and then just kind

of pull my pants down.

[beeping]

There's too many people around.

This is weird. - Dammit.

This sperm bank sucks.

Uh, that ATM didn't work at all.

- If there was more privacy, I could probably swing it,

but no, thank you.

[chuckles]

- Do you have an account with us?

- Uh, no.

We just got here five minutes ago.

- Well, you'll need to make an initial deposit.

How would you like to do that today?

- Eh, I don't know.

With my hand, I guess.

- Unless you have someone who can help a guy out,

if you know what I'm saying.

- I am going to need a deposit before I can open your account.

- OK, but, um, can we do it in the bathroom, maybe?

- You need the bathroom, it's right over there.

- Do they have anything to look at,

you know, like, to help things along?

- Uh, they've got these little magazines.

Let's see here.

This is just pictures of people standing in front of a house.

- Uh, it's not bad, you know?

It'll work.

Hey, baby, whatcha gonna do in that house?

Oh, yeah. [chuckling]

The hay-ouse.

Yeah.

- I'll just go in here.

[chuckling]

Banking is cool.

[chuckling]

- Now, where's our money?

- Yeah, I deposited all over that place.

Yeah.

- Yeah, me too.

Then I took a little nap on some guy's desk.

- I'll just need cash or a cashier's check,

and we can get your account opened right up.

- We have to give him money?

- Dammit, Beavis.

At least act like you know what you're doing.

You got to spend money to make money.

Don't embarrass me.

- Oh, OK. OK.

OK, fine.

Here you go.

[chuckles]

- OK.

This is gonna be your temporary checkbook.

- What?

- And just give me a moment.

I'll be right back with your ATM card.

- Hey, where's he going?

That butthole just took all our money.

And look, they made a baby out of our sperms already.

- That's not our baby.

It takes like a month, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but maybe because there's two of us, it's faster, see?

[chuckles]

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Hey!

Undo this baby.

We want our sperms back!

- Yeah, you stole our sperms.

At least pay us for the baby we made!

- Uh, he's gone.

- I guess that's our baby, huh?

So what do we say?

- Uhh-- [chuckles]

We did your mom.

[laughter]

- Eh, come on, Butt-Head.

C'mon.

So I guess, um, we're like, uh, your dads or something, yeah.

- Yeah.

Sorry, we can't stick around.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, it's been real, you know, but, um, we gotta

move on and stuff, you know?

- Uh, I guess before we go, we should, like, give

it some advice or something?

Like, about life?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we should, yeah.

OK, let me see, um.

Oh, oh, I know.

You can donate sperm at the bank,

and they'll give you money.

- No, they won't.

Dumbass, it didn't work.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

OK, never mind that, yeah.

Yeah, sorry.

- Uh, try not to suck.

[chuckles]

[phone ringing] - Yeah, yeah.

Good enough.

Let's go home, yeah.

[rock music]

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Vietnam.

America was fighting not only the wily Vietcong,

but controversy here at home.

After three tours of duty, I myself

became disillusioned with the war and left the army

and soon found myself in San Francisco in what they were

calling the Summer of Love.

- Hey, cats, let's head on down to the free love festival, man.

- Yeah, groovy.

- Psychedelic.

- Far out.

- Now, hold on just one minute, Flowerberry.

That bong you got there ain't gonna work right.

You see, the gasket on the down stem isn't sitting flush.

And that's gonna let in unwanted air.

- Man, there's a free love festival--

- You see, your lungs create negative air

pressure that pulls the marijuana

smoke through the water.

But with a bad seal like this, you're just gonna

be pulling in regular air.

And I don't know about you, but I call that a bummer.

- Man, there's a free love festival--

- Huh!

Now, Flowerberry, you can end the war in Vietnam

by making love to your old lady quick.

Or you can end the war in Vietnam

by making love to your old lady right.

So how about let's have a look-see at that bong?

Do you have a socket wrench set?

The next day, I returned to Vietnam, where I did

another seven tours of duty.

But I'm guessing you wanna know more about Flowerberry's socket

wrench set.

But it'll have to wait for the next

"Tom Anderson's War Stories."

♪ ♪

[laughter]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Wait, why did we come here?

- Uh, I don't know.

The food here sucks.

- Good, you two are finally here.

There's a new menu item I have to show you before I leave.

This is Burger World's new Mexican-style nachos.

- Whoa.

Nachos.

- They suck.

- OK, so when someone orders nachos,

take the chips from the warmer

and add two pumps of cheese.

For Nacho Supreme

add a broken up burger and one pump of guac sauce.

Got it? - Yes, sir.

You said pump.

[both snickering]

Pump.

- And change the mix in the shake machine.

Have a good shift.

- Um, what are we supposed to do, Butt-Head?

[chuckles]

- Uh, I don't care.

[chuckles]

- Um, I think we're supposed to do something with the shake

machine or something.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Uh, let's put nachos in there.

[laughter]

[whirring]

Beavis, we're a genius.

[laughter]

[dramatic music]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, this kicks ass.

- Yeah, yeah.

You know, um, yeah, they finally

turned slapping into a sport.

I've been saying this for years, Butt-Head.

- Yeah, slapping kicks ass.

[chuckles]

Announcer: But it wasn't until he joined the organization

as cornerman that he was able

to see the true competitive spirit of--

- After cornering people, he said to himself,

I could do this.

I could slap people in the face, too.

[chuckles]

- They laughed at him.

They said, you'll never slap people in the face.

But he said, I'll slap the bejesus out of people!

Watch me! [chuckles]

- And he said it all with his mouth full

because he was stuffing his face

with a meatball sandwich.

[laughter]

To be good at this sport, you need strength,

bravery, and type 2 diabetes.

[laughter]

- Looks like they're, like, at Sam's Club or something.

[chuckles]

- I think this is, like, the parking garage.

Whoever wins this will be the champion of level 4.

Announcer: Your officials for this 10-round matchup--

- Here at the Route 217 Sam's Club!

If you parked in the Kia dealership parking lot

next door, you will be towed!

OK!

- The most amazing thing about this

is that there's two chicks that showed up.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

Maybe they're just there because they

couldn't find their car or something, you know?

[chuckles]

- Yeah, they're like, I think we

parked right near those fat guys slapping each other.

[laughter]

Announcer: All right, folks, let's take a look

at the rules of Slapfight.

First off, no clubbing.

- That's just what slapping needed--

rules.

[laughter]

- You can't move your feet? [chuckles]

- Nothing that counts as exercise will be permitted.

[chuckles]

- Yeah! Jesus, come on! [chuckles]

Just slap him! C'mon!

- Ooh.

- Yeah. - Yes.

- Yeah. [laughter]

- That was an incredible three seconds of action.

- Yeah, yeah.

That's some good slapmanship right there.

Yeah.

Announcer: Warning for stepping on the Maniac.

- Oh, no, what now? [chuckles]

- It's such a simple sport, and they keep screwing it up.

[chuckles]

- I don't know, Butt-Head, you know,

I always thought a slapfight is like a thinking man's game,

you know, like a chess match?

- Yeah.

A chess match for people whose fingers are too

fat to hold the chess pieces.

[laughter]

- Ooh, ooh!

I think he might slap him, Butt-Head.

Watch.

- Ooh, yes.

[chuckles]

Announcer: That's it.

Doctor calls the fight. That's a wrap.

- I'm going to dedicate this to my lord

and slapper, Jesus Christ.

[chuckles]

- Now he's going to go visit a sick kid in the hospital

and slap the crap out of him.

[laughter]

I'm going to slap the cystic fibrosis right out of you.

[laughter]

- Yeah, they'd be like, was that kid

in the hospital really sick?

And he'd be like, I don't know.

He was after I slapped him.

[chuckles]

- And then the nurse was like, uh, sir, that kid wasn't sick.

He was just visiting his grandma.

[chuckles]

- And he's like, his grandma?

Well, I'll go slap her then!

Yeah. Where is she?

[chuckles]

- Mm, mm!

This is really good, Butt-Head.

- We have invented the most delicious thing

in the history of all mankind.

[chuckles]

- Are we going to get rich?

[chuckles]

- Beavis, the Nacho Shake is going to make us more money

than we have ever dreamed of.

- Yeah. Money, money.

[rock music]

Money.

♪ ♪

[cheering] - Oh, my God!

It's really them!

- Beavis and Butt-Head, thank you.

Your invention of the Nacho Shake

saved Burger World from sucking.

Please, have this helicopter full of gold bars.

♪ ♪

Thank you. Fly through.

♪ ♪

- Beavis and Butt-Head?

We love you guys.

- How much to buy Metallica?

- One gold bar ought to be eno-- ow!

[feedback screeches]

♪ ♪

[cheering]

- I love you, Beavis and Butt-Head!

- Beavis and Butt-Head, you invented the shake

that changed America.

We honor and worship you, OK?

- We are buying your school.

From now on, this is the Beavis and Butt-Head

Center for Business Studies and Sex Knowledge.

[snaps fingers]

That's cool. - Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Oh, Butt-Head!

[laughter]

This is fun.

♪ ♪

- [groans]

[chuckles]

- [grunts]

- Being rich is going to be cool.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

[chuckles]

- Uh-oh.

Uh, we're out of Nacho Shakes, Butt-Head.

We better make more.

- Wait, Beavis.

Maybe this time we go further.

[chuckles]

If the Nacho Shake will make us billionaires,

then the Nacho Shake Supreme will make us, uh,

ba-billionaires or something.

- The Nacho Shake Supreme.

Yeah, yeah.

But what's in it?

- Uh, I think that one dude said

to put in a broken-up burger.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah.

I'll go grill some burgers, yeah.

[chuckles]

- You don't have to grill them.

They get cooked in the shake machine.

- Oh, yeah.

- In you go.

- Yeah, yeah.

Nacho Shake Supreme, coming right up.

[chuckles]

[whirring]

- That looks tasty.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Um, hey, um, when the shake machine

is really vibrating like that,

does it, like, give you wood sometimes?

[chuckles]

- Uh, no.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, me neither.

[chuckles]

- We sure sold a lot of Nacho Shake Supremes last night.

- Yeah, yeah.

So when are we going to get that helicopter full of money?

- Uh, maybe today.

[chuckles]

- I have bad news.

We're shut down for 30 days by the health department.

- Uh-huh? - Yeah?

- Because nine of our customers were in the hospital

with food poisoning.

- Uh-huh. - Sounds good.

- I don't understand.

We've never gotten a grade below a B,

and now we have an F.

- Whoa, really?

This is your first F?

Um, congratumations or something.

- No. Getting an F is bad.

- Eh, you know, you should be proud, you know?

Just one F?

That's not that bad.

- Don't worry, sir.

We get Fs all the time.

And we're about to get really rich because we

invented a new kind of shake.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the secret ingredient is raw meat.

[laughter]

- You know what'll make this sad son of a bitch

feel a lot better?

- Yes, I do.

One Nacho Shake Supreme.

[rock music]

[laughter]

[whirring]

- Dammit, Beavis!

Is that a boner?

- Yes, sir!

Yes, it is.

[laughter]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.