All language subtitles for Jim.Gaffigan.Cinco.2017.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[wind whistling]

[clock chiming]

[indistinct whispering]

[chiming stops]

[music playing over speakers]

♪ A, B, C ♪

♪ A, B, C ♪

♪ A, B ♪

♪ A, B, C ♪

♪ A, B, C ♪

♪ Play with me ♪

[banging]

[growling]

[snarling]

Aah!

[gasps]

[screaming]

[audience cheering and clapping]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Aw, thank you.

Lower your expectations.

Thank you. Thank you.

[cheering continues]

It would have been weird
if you didn't clap, I guess.

If I walked out and you're like,
"Mm. Well, let's see.

[audience laughing]

Let's see how fat this bastard got."

[audience laughing]

And the answer is, "Fatter."

I gave up a long time ago. Now it's like
it's happening to someone else.

"Oh, someone should do something.

I feel like I'm witnessing a forest fire.

I hope they can contain it.

Change the channel."

This is real. This isn't a prosthetic.

I did it myself.
It's organic. I am a fat guy.

There's indications.

I've caught myself unconsciously
covering my stomach with my arm.

That's a total fat-guy move.

[audience laughing]

Now I'm thin.

Can't see my belly.

Fat, thin.

Maybe I hope people will look at me
and think, "Is he holding a baby?

Oh, he's thin and nurturing.
What a fella."

I know these pants are tight.
That's a little gift for the ladies.

[audience laughing]

[clapping and whooping]

And some of the fellas!

Can't control who I turn on at this point.

These pants are tight, but after I wear
them for a week, they'll look fine.

That's my approach with clothing.

Eventually the clothes go,
"All right, I'll adjust.

[audience laughing]

You can get bigger pants
or I could just stretch out.

Whatever works for you, Jim."

By the way, this shirt, when it's
untucked, goes down to like here.

[chuckles]

It's frightening. It's so long.

I look at it on my bed. I'm like, "Is that
my shirt or a sleeping bag?" It's huge!

But then when I put it on,
I'm like, "It's a little tight.

Where am I going, rollerblading?"

But I don't care.
Did that sound believable?

'Cause that's our go-to, right?

When there's something we can't control,

we just act like
we wouldn't want it anyway.

"I don't care. Who'd wanna be thin?

Who'd wanna look healthy
and attractive?"

Everyone.

[audience laughing]

"Not me. I'd rather look like
a marshmallow with a wig on."

Oh, I have a new belt...

'cause my old belt looked like
it was tortured on Game of Thrones.

[audience laughing]

I don't know what happened to it.

I think it's 'cause I don't like
to give up on the belt hole.

I'm like, "We're still good."

My poor belt was like, "I could have been
a watch band for David Beckham."

[audience laughing]

But a belt for a fat guy serves
a different purpose.

A thin person wears a belt
to hold up their pants.

These pants aren't going anywhere.

[audience laughing]

A fat guy just wears a belt
as a distraction.

Distracting from the fact
that this is all the same surface.

[audience laughing]

It's just a mini equator...

separating the northern hemisphere
from the southern blob.

[audience whooping and clapping]

And the wider the belt, the greater
the illusion. That's just science.

That's why Santa Claus...
Santa's belt is like a conveyor belt.

It's not even holding up his pants.
It's keeping his jacket closed.

And we're leaving cookies out
for that slob?

Of course,
Santa wears suspenders under his coat.

Suspenders,
the last stop for the fat guy.

Because eventually the gut gets so big,

the pants need to be suspended...
like a bridge.

[audience laughing]

The belt no longer fits
across the equator.

It must be buckled underneath.

Instead of holding up the pants,
it drags them down.

'Cause every action has
an equal opposite reaction,

forcing one to choose between suspenders
or a lifetime of plumber jokes.

[audience laughing]

Sad.

Thank you for being here tonight,
by the way.

-[audience cheering]
-Okay.

This is my fifth hour-special.
I have one for each of my five children.

[audience whooping]

So, hopefully,
this is the last one. Yeah.

It's beautiful here.
I hope you had a nice summer

'cause there's pressure
to enjoy summer. Right?

I'm from the Midwest.
It's almost a panic.

"Go out there. Have fun.
Winter's coming to kill us.

[audience laughing]

Go! Get skin cancer now!"

'Cause there's an expectation of fun
during summer.

In winter, we discuss summer
with such reverence.

In January, you'd think we were talking
about a family pet that passed away.

[audience laughing]

"Remember summer? I miss summer.

I have photos of summer.

That's when we were a happy family."

Summer's presented as a vacation.

It's like a three-month vacation
for nobody but children.

And who doesn't deserve a few months off
after the rigors of kindergarten?

I have five young children,
during summer,

they lounge around like they've
just returned from fighting ISIS.

"Third grade was a beast."

[audience laughing]

Summer vacation does kind of set up
an adulthood of disappointment.

That first job, you're like,
"I have to go to work in July?

[audience laughing]

What is this, Russia?"

There's a strange pressure
to travel during summer.

"Going somewhere this summer?"
"Why do I have to go somewhere?"

"We lived here
during the horrible weather.

Now that it's nice,
we should go somewhere else."

[audience laughing]

It makes no sense.

And winter is some horrible weather,
right?

We're never ready for it.

We're never ready
for the seasons to change.

Even in October, we're caught off guard.
We're like, "It's getting cold.

What is this, every year now?"

[audience laughing]

We're not angry. In February,
people are angry about the weather.

We wanna blame someone.
We're like, "It's freezing. Obama!

[audience laughing]

It's that darn ObamaCare.

No ObamaCare,
it'd be 72 degrees out there."

There's always a couple guys
that don't care about the cold, right?

They're like, "What is it, two degrees
out there? That's nothing. I went golfing.

I'm wearing shorts 'cause I'm a dick."

[audience laughing]

Those are the people that go swimming
outside on New Year's Day.

Don't you secretly want them to die?

Not all of them, but you watch
the news like, "Not one fatality, huh?"

But I should be used to it.
I'm from the Midwest.

All the memories of my childhood,
it was always winter.

It was winter when I was walking
through slush past mounds of snow.

When I was in high school, I saw
a photograph of Siberia where Stalin

would send Russian prisoners.
It looked exactly like my hometown.

[audience laughing]

"Is that my bike? That's my bike!"

I asked my dad, I was like,
"Why do we live here? Why would you stay?"

And he's like, "Well, you know,
these severe winters,

they really make you appreciate summer."

It was at that point
that I realized he was an alcoholic.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, you're just drunk all the time."
"It's pretty warm for me always."

As a kid, I used to imagine people were
tricked to move to the Midwest.

They were on the East Coast
in a covered wagon 200 years ago.

Someone was like,
"Whoa. Where you going?"

"Oh, we're going out West.
We're gonna go out West."

"West, huh?
Have you thought of the Midwest?"

"Midwest?" "Yeah.
It's like the West, but it's closer.

[audience laughing]

Tell you what.
Do you like amber waves of grain?"

"Uh, no. I have celiac disease."

[audience laughing]

"How about lakes? Everyone likes lakes.
Lakes in the Midwest are good.

In fact, there are Great Lakes.
One of them's Superior."

"Uh, I'm not going there."

But I do love the Midwest.
Every Christmas, I go to Milwaukee.

[audience whooping]

[chuckles] I love telling
my friends in California

that I go to Wisconsin in December.

They're like,
"Oh, no, no. Don't go there."

I'm like,
"That's where my wife's family is from."

[gasps] "You should get a new wife."

[audience laughing]

All I do in Wisconsin is eat cheese.

I know it's a cliché, but in Wisconsin
it's like they're trying to get rid of it.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, hey, you want some cheese?"
"I just woke up."

"That's a yeah, right?"

[audience laughing]

Have you ever eaten
so much cheese you think:

"I may never use the bathroom again"?

[audience laughing]

People on the East Coast think that's
weird. In the Midwest, that's Monday.

[audience laughing]

But it's the weather.

That's why we eat the way we do,
we're just like:

[grunting]

"Ah, it's still winter.

[grunting]

It's summer, but I'm on a roll."

[grunting]

It's not always winter.
There's spring. People love spring.

That's a fun day.

[audience laughing]

What a lie spring is. Right?

[audience clapping and cheering]

I spend the entire spring
waiting for it to be spring.

You're like, "Is it spring?"
"No, it's snowing."

Next day. "Is it spring?"
"No, it's 90 degrees."

[audience laughing]

"I guess we missed
those tiny white flowers."

Fall, people love fall.
"It's my favorite season."

[audience laughing]

It's not a competition.

"My favorite season that I'm voting for
in America's Next Top Season is fall."

[audience laughing]

People that love fall,
they go crazy for the foliage.

[gasps]

"The foliage! Let's drive by the foliage.

It's so beautiful the way the leaves die.

[audience laughing]

They're so pretty
right before they fall to their death."

We think it's beautiful.
It's the leaves' hospice.

[audience laughing]

It also helps that the leaves can't talk.

If they could talk, they'd be like:

[screaming]

"Get me chlorophyll!

Why are these people driving by
and smiling at me? You monsters!"

We're rather insensitive
to the leaves' tragedy.

They die, they fall to the ground.
We just rake them up.

"Kids, you wanna jump on this pile
of dead leaves?

No? All right.
I'll just light them on fire."

[audience laughing and clapping]

The poor leaves,
all they know is spring and summer.

And then in October, they're like,
"Where is everyone going?"

Early in November, you always see
a couple of leaves hanging on.

They're like, "I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it through winter.

Me and my buddy, Carl.
Right, Carl? Carl?"

[audience laughing]

The pine trees, they must resent
the attention the leaves get.

"Stupid leaves. Everyone's driving by
looking at the pretty leaves.

I didn't even bother get to know them.
After a couple months, they're dead.

Come December, you'll be climbing
a ladder and sticking a star on my head."

[audience laughing]

"Why would a pine tree sound
like it's from Brooklyn?

[audience laughing]

How many jokes
about seasons does this guy have?"

[audience laughing]

Speaking of foliage,
I have to tell you, last October,

I was in western Massachusetts
and they're very proud of their foliage.

They're like, "You see our foliage?"

"Uh, nice job.
Good work doing nothing."

And I was with a friend
and we drove by this schoolhouse,

and my friend was like,
"You see that schoolhouse?

That's the schoolhouse where
they wrote, 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"

I was like, "Am I supposed
to be impressed by that?"

And he's like,
"Well, it is a national landmark."

And I'm like,
"Are people going, 'Come on, kids.

Let's go see where they wrote
the worst song ever'"?

But what I didn't realize is
that "Mary Had a Little Lamb,"

in its day, was a huge hit.

It was huge.
It was like their "Uptown Funk."

[audience laughing]

Which makes you wonder
what was going on in the 1830s.

"Have you heard that song,
'Mary Had a Little Lamb'?

It's the song of our generation.

It's so complex. It's about this girl,
Mary, who had a lamb that was little.

The song explains it better.
I'm not doing it justice."

My friend told me,
"That song's based on a true story."

I'm like, "Well, I hope so...

[audience laughing]

'cause that would be
the worst made-up story ever."

[audience laughing]

How bad were the other songs
of that era?

"Johnny Has a Little Small Pox."
"We'll All be Dead by 30."

And of course my favorite,
"Why Does Everyone Smell Like Poo?"

[audience laughing]

"Jim, don't do that."

I spent a couple weeks there, I stayed in
this really nice, like, bed and breakfast.

The woman that was running it,
every morning she would ask me:

"Are you gonna go hiking today?"

And all I could think was,
"Wow, this lady knows nothing about me."

[audience laughing]

Hiking not today or ever.

I wouldn't hike to escape the Nazis.

Like, if I was in that movie,
Sound of Music, and they're like:

"To avoid the Nazis,
head over those mountains."

I would have been, "Mountains?
Isn't there a basement I could hide in?

I mean, like a finished basement,
you know.

[audience laughing]

One with, like, a keg and an NFL
season pass, know what I'm talking about?"

I've been hiking.

The first thing you notice
when you go hiking is it's a mistake.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, we're not walking
anywhere in particular.

There's nothing at the end of this trail.
There's no bar or restaurant.

Not even a vending machine.
We're just idiots."

There's always a moment when you go hiking
when you realize, "Oh, no.

Now we have to walk back.
There's no exit through the gift shop."

I wanna like hiking.
It's like horseback riding.

You wanna like it, then you get
on a horse, you're like, "That's right.

I'm not a 12-year-old girl.
Get me off this poor animal."

But hiking is huge. It's huge.

There's hiking clothing.
There's clothing for walking outside.

I thought all clothing was
for walking outside.

There's whole parts of the country.

The entire Pacific Northwest,
everyone's dressed like there could be

an impromptu hike
at a moment's notice.

"Well, I'm going for a coffee, but you
never know when a hike might break out.

[audience laughing]

So, I'll put on some sturdy shoes
and a breathable fleece."

[audience laughing]

That joke was brought to you
by Patagonia.

[audience laughing]

We usually...
We usually hike with a friend, right?

And pretend you're in a Viagra commercial?
"How is your erectile dysfunction?"

There's always that solo hiker that
looks like they just got rid of a body.

[audience laughing]

"Is that guy with someone?
Why is he carrying a garbage bag?

Is that Dexter?

Why'd you ask me
to walk in the woods?"

But it's not just walking. Hiking involves
an unnecessary amount of climbing.

"You wanna climb up here?"

No, I don't wanna climb up there.
I'm an adult. I have a driver's license.

[audience laughing]

I don't like climbing.
I don't like climbing into an SUV.

You know that final step up,
I'm always like, "Is this worth it?

[audience laughing]

Why can't you have a normal car?
What are we, going on a safari?

I better see a damn elephant
if I'm climbing into your gas guzzler."

But once you get in an SUV,

you're always like,
"Oh, yeah. Let's invade Iraq.

-[audience laughing]
-Out of my way."

'Cause everyone turns into a jerk
in an SUV like, "I don't need a blinker."

Remember 15 years ago when they were
like, "Stop buying SUVs, everyone.

They're wasteful
and bad for the environment."

And we were like,
"Okay. I'd like to buy an SUV."

[audience laughing]

"No, I have a reason." "I don't care."

[audience laughing]

I don't own an SUV. I don't even own
a car 'cause I'm a good person.

No. I live in New York City
and I have five kids,

so I just have them carry me around.

[audience laughing]

I know nothing about cars. I come
from a car family. My dad loved cars.

My brothers loved cars. They talk
about cars. They go to car shows.

My brothers pay to look at cars
they will never drive.

And I thought strip clubs were weird.

[audience laughing]

Most of the accessories are wasted.
I mean, I've never used cruise control.

The heated seats,
I always feel like I just wet myself.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, this is nice.
Can we swing by the emergency room?

I think this is also
a symptom of a stroke."

[audience laughing]

When I go home to Indiana,
I always rent a car.

My brother Mitch is like,
"What kind of car you renting?"

I'm like, "It's blue."

[audience laughing]

"Is that four or six cylinders?"
"Blue."

[audience laughing]

I do know that the most manly form
of transportation is a pickup truck

'cause my brother Mike has
a pickup truck and he's a real man.

And at this point, pickup truck
commercials give me anxiety.

They're all like, "You can tow one ton.
You can tow two tons.

You can tow an aircraft carrier."

-Why?
-[audience laughing]

Why would you need that?
I only see you going to Cracker Barrel.

[audience laughing]

But people that drive pickups,

they wanna be associated
with the work ethic.

And based on that,
I should drive a bread truck.

[audience laughing]

I was with my brother
in a plant nursery, I was like:

"If I buy a small tree,
can I put it in the back of your truck?"

And he's like,
"No. You'll get the bed dirty."

And I realized something. Everyone
I know who owns a pickup truck

is not picking anything up.

[audience laughing]

It's like walking around
with a big, empty suitcase.

[audience laughing]

"Are you going on a trip?"

"No, but I'm the type of guy who would."

[audience laughing]

"Ram tough. Ram tough."

Thank you to everyone who watched
TheJim Gaffigan Show, by the way.

-I appreciate it.
-[audience cheering]

And if you didn't watch,
that just means you're a jerk.

But, no, but thank you if you did watch,
'cause there are so many television shows

and episodes of television shows
we could and should be watching.

It's amazing any of us
are here right now.

It's kind of overwhelming,
DVR, on-demand.

Sometimes I open my Netflix,
I'm like, "I don't think I can do it.

I'm not even gonna make a dent here."

And I know there's pressure.

We all feel it, 'cause we developed
excuses for our friends,

like we're dealing with debt collectors.

"You watch Game of Thrones?"

"I'm a little behind.

[audience laughing]

Give me a week.
My wife had a dumb baby."

[audience laughing]

And it's never-ending.

"You finished that show? Now you have
to watch this show and then--"

"No, now I need to learn
how to read again.

[audience laughing]

I need to sound out some words
and see if I can read."

Have you read a physical book lately?

Not on a tablet or a laptop,
an actual book?

You feel like you're Abe Lincoln.

"Oh, it's made of wood.
Hope it doesn't catch on fire.

[audience laughing]

When does this have
to be back at the museum?"

'Cause we're all binge-watching.

When they first introduced
the idea of binge-watching,

I was like, "How pathetic.

I'm just gonna watch an episode or two.
I haven't showered in a week?

[audience laughing]

I'm a grandfather?
I missed my own funeral?"

I binge-watch shows I don't even like.

"This is pretty bad.
I guess I'll watch five more episodes."

[audience laughing]

I watched every episode of True Blood
and I'm not even gay.

[audience laughing]

Some of you are like, "Jim, watching
True Blood doesn't mean you're gay."

That's 'cause you're gay.

[audience laughing]

It's the number one cause of gayness.

My friends don't understand.
"When do you watch? You have five kids."

I ignore them. I can't go to that recital.
I'm re-watching West Wing.

[audience laughing]

It's embarrassing
how I consume television.

There are nights when I've told myself:

"All right. One more season... [chuckling]

then I'm going to bed.
I mean, come on."

It's hard to stop. You see the ending.
You want the accomplishment. Right?

"Oh, you ran a 10K?
Yeah, I finished Mad Men.

[audience laughing]

I did it. I'm a little sore, but I did it.

I'm a television athlete.
I'm a telathlete."

It's strange when you get done
watching an entire series.

You don't know
what to do with yourself.

"I haven't been this lost
since the ending of Lost.

Should I go to a bar? I don't know
if I remember how to talk to people."

[audience laughing]

And starting a new show,
that's kind of like a blind date. Right?

"Well, my friend said you were great.
I'm free tonight, so...

I think I'm ready
to put myself back out there."

[audience laughing]

'Cause we have relationships
with these television shows.

You ever break up with a show?

You watch a bunch of episodes
and then you're like, "It's over.

I don't even know you anymore.
I gave up the best nights of my life."

Netflix. They won't let you forget your
mistakes. They keep them in your queue.

"Remember this relationship?"

"I was drunk. I was on the rebound."

They'll make suggestions,
"Since you enjoyed True Blood,

here's some other gay shows."

[audience laughing]

"Maybe I would like The L Word,
I don't know."

Netflix has definitely
made watching television

with commercials kind of painful.

Takes forever. You're like,
"What am I, growing my own food here?

[audience laughing]

All right, Geico, we get it!"

And it's not just the length
or the number of the commercials,

it's what the commercials say
about the typical viewer

of the show you're watching.

"Catheter? Why would--?

Reverse mortgage?

[audience laughing]

Back pain? [gasps] I do have back pain.

[audience laughing]

You know me so well, television show."

I watch a lot of cable news
'cause I enjoy being depressed.

That's the only reason to watch.

After five minutes,
they repeat the same stories.

"Remember that horrible thing?
Wait till we show you 20 more times.

You won't be able to sleep."

I think it's interesting how all
the cable newscasters are very attractive.

They're very attractive
and they're dressed up. I don't know why.

You know,
you're talking about a hurricane.

What's with the evening gown?

But we all kind of watch like,
"Thanks for showing some leg."

Cable newscasters are so attractive.

When they interview a regular person,
it's visually distracting.

Like, "Is that a bad guy?

[audience laughing]

Or a victim? I know
they're a loser in this scenario, but..."

[audience laughing]

But the newscasters,
those are our town gossips. Right?

That's what newscasters are.
Town gossips.

"You're not gonna believe
what happened to this person

you've never met before.
Isn't that sad?

By the way, there's some weird stuff
going on in England.

I have a friend, John, over there.
John, why don't you tell them about it?

[audience laughing]

Thanks, John. Isn't that horrible?
By the way, it's gonna rain tomorrow.

I'm, like, 99 percent positive
it's gonna rain, and that's sad."

Most of my friends under the age of 30
don't even have cable.

I'm like, "Where do you send
your $500 a month?"

[audience laughing]

It's getting to be embarrassing
to have cable. Right?

"You have cable?"
"I'm getting rid of it... when I die."

[audience laughing]

Technology is moving so fast.

There's times
when you feel like you're on top of it

and then there's times when you feel like
that friend with the flip phone.

We all have the friend or relative
with the flip phone.

You're like, "Where'd you get that?
Do you use that to call the past?

[audience laughing]

What character were you
on Breaking Bad?"

[audience laughing]

But there's definitely moments
when I'm the person with a flip phone.

Like, I have a landline. Some of you
are like, "What's a landline?" [chuckles]

No one wants to admit
they have a landline.

It's like discovering
you're still paying for AOL.

[audience laughing]

Here's how I justify having a landline.

I'm like, "Well, I need a landline
in case all the cell towers go out

and then I could call no one."

[audience laughing]

Our landline will ring,
our landline will ring,

my wife and I,
we won't even move to answer it.

"Well, it's obviously not for us.
No one we know has that number."

It's like paying a stranger
10 bucks a month to interrupt dinner.

[audience laughing]

By the way,
I know nobody's phone number.

I don't even know
my own wife's phone number.

If I was arrested and allowed one call,
I'd be like, "I don't know, 911."

[audience laughing and clapping]

I do miss slamming down
the landline when I was angry.

You know, like, "You can go to hell."
[mimics thudding]

You can't do that with a cell phone.
"You can go to hell."

Ugh.

[audience laughing and clapping]

Don't want that to fall
in the toilet. [chuckles]

Woke up today at 7 a.m.
Got out of bed around 1:30.

[audience laughing]

'Cause I need a good reason
to get out of bed, like fire.

That won't even get me out of bed.

One time I was in a hotel, the fire alarm
went off. I didn't even get out of bed.

I was like, "That's a test.

[audience laughing]

I'd bet my life that's a test."

[audience laughing]

I don't understand the morning people.
"Even on my day off, I'll get up at 6."

We should be able to hit these people.

[audience laughing]

I'm jealous.

Yes. Hatred. Applaud hatred. [chuckles]

But in reality, I'm jealous.

I mean, you have to understand,
my role models were the grandparents

in that movie
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

[audience laughing]

I remember watching that movie
as a kid and seeing the scene

with the grandparents in bed
and thinking:

"I like these people.
I like what they're all about."

They were in bed full-time.
What if we did this till we die?

They weren't even watching television.

They were looking
at the other grandparents.

"How's your bed?" "It's good. It's good.
It's the same as your bed."

They were so in the bed.
They lived in poverty.

Their grandson got a golden ticket where
he could win an entire chocolate factory

and only one of the grandparents
got out of bed.

[audience laughing]

The other three were like,
"Good luck, Charlie.

[audience laughing]

You win the factory and make me
a chocolate bed." [grunting]

Typically, I have to get up early
'cause I have young children

and they wanna
experience things like life.

"What are we doing today?"
"Well, I was hoping to nap."

"Can we go outside?"
"It's closed."

[audience laughing and clapping]

During the summer,
I tour with my kids

and we'll do, like, a kid activity
during the day

and then I'll do a show at night,

and usually the kid activity's
like a zoo or a park.

When we were in Erie, Pennsylvania,
we went on a pirate boat ride,

which was pretty authentic,
'cause when I think of Lake Erie,

I think of all them pirates storming
the shores of western Pennsylvania.

[audience laughing]

There were like 50 kids
and they were all dressed like pirates.

I felt like I was
at a children's Jimmy Buffet concert.

[audience laughing]

And I tell you, those kids were having
the time of their lives.

Kids love to dress like pirates.

The murderers and rapists
that pirates were.

[audience laughing]

And we think it's adorable.
"It's so cute.

He looks just like one of those sociopaths
who terrorized the Caribbean."

[audience laughing]

We let our kids dress like murderers.

Darth Vader,
that genocidal lunatic. It's fun.

The devil. It's cute.

Hitler. No.

[audience laughing]

No parent wants to explain that one.

"Why is your boy dressed like Hitler?"

"He's fascinated with the Third Reich.

[audience laughing]

He gets it from his father.
His father's man cave is all Hitler swag."

Summertime we went
to a bunch of fairs.

It's amazing how your perspective
on fairs changes.

'Cause as a kid,
you're like, "The fair! There's a fair!"

As an adult, you're like,
"That looks dangerous.

[audience laughing]

Are they cooking in that truck?"

[audience laughing]

We used to go to the fair to see
the biggest pig in the county.

Now we go to the fair
to be the biggest pig in the county.

Some of that food at fairs,
it's ridiculous.

Deep-fried Oreos, okay.
Deep-fried Twinkies, maybe.

Deep-fried butter, no.

[audience laughing]

"You know how occasionally
you'll eat a stick of butter?

What if we deep-fried it?"

No. It's wrong.
I mean, it's delicious...

[audience laughing]

but it's wrong.

There's no health inspector.
That's why they do that.

Everything at the fair is very temporary.

Meaning, when the cops come,
they can leave.

Some of those rides don't look safe.
I'll just let my kids go first.

[audience laughing]

No sense in us all dying.

But you never wanna be judgmental
at the fair.

You're always like,
"You know what, I'm sure this ride's fine.

You know? I'm sure.

I'm sure the guy running the ride,
he's probably a structural engineer.

[audience laughing]

We don't know. That's probably
how he lost his arm, you know?"

'Cause inherently we're trusting.
We're very trusting of elevators.

We're like, "What is this,
a casket on a string? Let's hop on.

[audience laughing]

I don't know how it works, but
if it shakes, we'll giggle." [chuckles]

We giggle 'cause we realize
no one's driving the elevator.

[chuckling]
We're like, "We're all gonna die."

So, we press one of these buttons or climb
through the trap door in the ceiling

that leads to every Bruce Willis movie.
What do we do? [chuckles]

We also giggle 'cause there's
no talking on an elevator, right?

You get on an empty elevator,

you and a friend,
and you're like, "I'll tell you later."

It's like a den of awkwardness.
You just stand there like:

"Are we supposed to kiss?
What are we doing?"

It's very strange.
Not as awkward as a stairwell.

You ever been in an abandoned stairwell
by yourself

and you encounter strangers
coming the other way?

There's always that moment
where you meet eyes, you're like:

"If you don't rape me,
I won't rape you."

[audience laughing]

"What are you doing--?"

"What am I doing in--?
Are we in an episode of Law & Order?"

[audience laughing]

But we volunteer
for these awkward situations.

Sometimes we pay to participate.
Like water parks.

Those are fun, but there's always
that moment you're like:

"Is this a meeting of people
I don't wanna see in swimsuits?"

'Cause there are people walking
around water parks with that confidence

that they shouldn't have.

[audience laughing]

And you almost admire it.
You're like, "You go... away from me."

[audience laughing]

You try and figure it out.
You're like:

"Is it the fumes from the toxic chemicals
combined with the children's urine?

What gives you that swagger
that would make Beyoncé blush?"

But you don't wanna be judgmental.

You're like, "You know what?
They're there for their kids.

I'm here for my kids and compared
to them, I look like Magic Mike."

So, God bless them. [chuckles]

My 3-year-old didn't get me
a birthday present this year. Yeah.

And I've known him for a couple years.
So, I'm not talking to him.

Presents are interesting.
I don't really need or want anything.

I mean, my life is pretty chaotic.
I have five kids. You know?

I have friends that love stuff.

I have a friend
who has a drawer of watches.

I have another friend who has five cars.

And whenever I'm with these people,
I realize, I'm just simple.

All I need is a nice bed
and a private jet, you know?

Now, I have the bed.
All I need is the jet.

And it could be a used jet.
I'm not a snob, you know?

I mean, I don't want a prop plane.
I'm not trash.

Just a regular old private jet
to take a regular old guy to a regular old

private island away from his kids.

You know? I'm just salt of the earth.
I'm an everyman-- [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

That's ridiculous. This year has flown by.

I don't wanna brag,
but I've kept my New Year's resolution.

I've done it. I've had pasta
every day this year. Thank you.

[audience clapping]

I tell you. It wasn't easy.
It wasn't easy.

There were some nights
when I was like, "Oh, my gosh. It's 11:30.

I haven't eaten pasta. I have to wake
my wife up and have her make me some."

You know?

But I do it
'cause it's about personal accountability.

[audience laughing]

By the way, if you believe I would wake
my wife up, you're drunk. All right?

'Cause I'm afraid of her, all right?

But I like being married
to a strong woman. I do.

I'm sure there are men in the audience
looking at their wives:

"Honey, do you want me to clap or,
you know, do you like what he's saying?

'Cause I'm on your side. I just don't
wanna talk about it later on."

[audience laughing]

I do like being married
to a strong, decisive woman.

But you know what?
I'm in charge of the remote control.

That's where I draw the line, all right?

I'm in charge of the remote
'cause I'm the man.

I mean, she picks all the shows we watch,
but I get to hold the remote.

[audience laughing]

'Cause that's the kind of puppet dictator
that I am. [chuckles]

Being in charge of the remote control is
a no-win situation anyway.

The person you're watching with
is never satisfied.

They're like,
"Turn it up. I can't hear it."

Then you turn it up
and the commercial comes on.

"Turn it down.
What's wrong with your hearing?"

I'm always in trouble
when we watch television.

"Stop crinkling that bag."

Once I got in trouble for sneezing.

"Why would you do that?"

[audience laughing]

"I think it's involuntary."

"Well, now I didn't hear
what that guy said."

"All right. I'll rewind it. Oh, now it's
starting the whole episode over.

[audience laughing]

Here, you should be
in charge of the remote.

I'm gonna go back
to hiding in the bathroom.

'Cause I'm a man!"

[audience laughing]

I do love her. She can be demanding.
Like, unrealistic demands.

Like, she wants me to lose weight.

[audience laughing]

I have no expectation of losing weight.

Some of it is,
I used to have all these jokes

on doughnuts, and now sometimes
when I do shows out of town,

people will give me boxes of doughnuts,

which makes me think I gotta
start doing jokes about private jets.

[audience laughing]

I do a show and someone will give me
a box of doughnuts,

or I'll get to my hotel room and in my
hotel room there's a box of doughnuts.

And I always look at the doughnuts
like, I'm not not gonna eat those.

I mean, those were a gift.
What would Jesus do?

[audience laughing]

He'd eat the doughnuts.

But it's always a box, a dozen.
A dozen doughnuts.

I'm by myself.
I'm typically in the city for one night.

What kind of monster pig
do I come across as?

"How many doughnuts
should we get him?"

"Enough for a Baptist church.

[audience laughing]

Whatever would feed
an entire Little League team,

that will cover that tub of turds
for a couple hours."

I don't know what to do
with all the doughnuts.

You know, I'll eat two.
All right, I'll eat four.

But I don't know what to do
with the rest of them.

What do I,
put them in my rolly luggage?

I did that once. I'm not proud of it.

We've all done things
we're not proud of.

You're like, "This is kind of pathetic,
but here goes.

Zip, zip, zip.
Off to the airport we go."

[audience laughing]

Of course, that was the time I got
the random search at the airport.

I made it through the metal detector.

This nice TSA guy was like, "Sorry, sir.
Random search of your bag."

And I was like-- [laughing]

What I wanted to say is,
"I have drugs in my butt."

[audience laughing and clapping]

'Cause a cavity search at that moment
seemed less humiliating...

than revealing
the true contents of my luggage.

[audience laughing]

But I had to do it.

So, the TSA guy unzipped the bag. And it
was one of those flat boxes of doughnuts.

You know, like Krispy Kreme.
So, it took up the entire rolly bag.

It looked
like I was smuggling doughnuts.

And the TSA guy just looked at me
like, "Wow."

[audience laughing]

"They sell those here.

[audience laughing]

There was a Dunkin' Donuts
two gates away."

There was such compassion in his eyes.

"You got a problem."

And I couldn't say anything.
I couldn't be like, "Those aren't mine.

Some guy gave them to me.
Some guy named Al. Al Qaeda.

-He gave them to me."
-[audience laughing]

I had to act all casual.
"Those are my doughnuts.

I travel with doughnuts. I'm trying to get
diabetes. Why don't you leave me alone?"

And since it was a random search,

the actual box of doughnuts had
to be opened.

And because I was wheeling
through the airport,

all the doughnuts were crammed
and smushed to one end.

It looked like I had rummaged through
a Dumpster outside of a doughnut shop.

"Oh, this one's still good. Just get
these rocks and sticks off here.

That's a perfectly good powdered sugar--
No, actually, Ajax's on that one."

[audience laughing]

The TSA guy just looked at me like,
"You can go.

It's probably your last flight anyway."

[audience laughing]

I travel a lot.
I'm constantly going through security.

Always behind that person
that's never left their house before.

They always wanna ask me questions like,
"Can I bring soup on the plane?

It's homemade soup."
I'm like, "You should ask them."

"For an ID, can I use a fishing license?"

"You should--"

"Should I take off my shoes
and my pants?"

-"Yes, you should."
-[audience laughing]

Airport security is annoying. It's nothing
compared to international travel,

like going through customs
and immigration. That's so intense.

They're dressed
like SWAT team members.

I always get so nervous.
I'm like, "Do I have heroin on me?

I don't even know
what heroin looks like.

But I might have
accidentally packed some."

[audience laughing]

There's that mini interview
with the customs agent.

"What do you plan to do in our country?"
"Murder people.

[audience laughing]

You got me, I wasn't ready
for your trick questions."

[audience laughing]

I always feel like an idiot
when I travel internationally.

Some of it is,
I don't know the metric system.

It's not like I wasn't exposed to it.

When I was growing up,
they're like, "Learn the metric system.

Everyone learn the metric system.
Big switch coming up."

Then ten years later,
they're like, "Never mind.

It's too hard. It's based on tens.

[laughing]

Let's go buy an SUV."

[audience laughing]

So, now I can't ask a distance
when I visit another country.

I'm like, "How far is that?"
They're like, "That's 500 kilometers."

"I'm not in the Olympics.
This isn't a James Bond film.

What's it in normal speak?"

[audience laughing]

I don't speak any other languages.

I have friends that speak Spanish
and French and Portuguese.

I don't care. I speak English,
the language Jesus spoke.

[audience laughing and clapping]

At least he did in the movie I watched.

I always love doing that joke.

There's always a couple faces
in the audience like, "Don't say that."

[audience laughing]

'Cause you travel internationally.

You realize
some people don't like Americans.

I mean, the Canadians like us
and the Israelis like us.

The Australians like Americans so much,
it makes you question their judgment.

[audience laughing]

You should read
some of our history. [chuckles]

But I get a kick out of what Europeans
don't like about Americans.

They're always like, "You Americans are
dumb. You know nothing about Europe."

It's not that we're dumb.
We're just not that interested.

Sorry I don't wanna learn
more about your windmill country.

[audience laughing]

"He's gonna get a wooden shoe
in his ass."

[audience laughing]

First time I did that joke,
the whole front row was Dutch people.

[audience laughing]

And they didn't care. They did--

I don't know. They have no emotion.
It doesn't matter.

[audience laughing]

"He's the most anti-Dutch comedian ever."

[audience laughing]

Obviously,
I love traveling internationally.

The only negative,
too many foreigners. Right?

[audience laughing]

The weird thing is,
you travel around the world

and you realize pretty quickly,
people are the same wherever you go.

Wherever you go, there are good people
and there are Russians.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] See, the reason that's funny

is 'cause we were all raised
with this bigotry towards Russians.

I have a friend.
He was born in Russia.

He moved here when he was 3
and I still think he might be a spy.

[audience laughing]

We don't know.

Best is when you're visiting a country
and someone thinks you're a native.

I was waiting for a cab in Stockholm
and this Swedish lady turned to me

and she was like,
"Björn Borg. Björn Borg."

That's not what she said.
That's what I heard.

[audience laughing]

But I knew in that moment
that once this lady found out

I was American,
she was gonna be disappointed.

So, I just decided that I was not gonna
speak any language she spoke.

She was like, "Björn Borg. Björn Borg."
And I was like:

[gibbers]

She was like-- [speaks in French]

And I was like-- [gibbers]

She was like, "Do you speak English?"
I was like:

[clicks tongue,
then makes beeping noises]

That woman is now my wife.

[audience laughing]

"It's just like The Notebook."
"What?"

Still there.

[audience laughing]

I wouldn't mind being in shape.

You know who was
in really good shape was Jesus.

[audience laughing]

Nothing like the topic of Jesus
to take the air right out of the show.

[makes sucking noise]

That's what he would have wanted.
"When you bring up my name,

I want people to be really uncomfortable."

[audience laughing]

It's not just the Christians.
Everyone's like, "Too soon."

"It was only 2000 years ago.
Let it breathe, buddy."

[audience laughing]

But Jesus was in amazing shape,
which is especially impressive,

considering he could multiply bread
whenever he wanted.

"Boom, pretzel bread."

[audience laughing]

The Bible doesn't specify
what type of bread he multiplied.

I imagine it was pretzel bread.

"Boom, pretzel bread.
Boom, garlic knots."

[audience laughing]

That's why he had all those followers.

"Come on, maybe he'll make
some focaccia bread."

[audience laughing]

This is how people walked
in biblical times.

[audience laughing]

They were really
into that Beyoncé "Formation" video.

Alaba--

"How many Beyoncé references
is he gonna have?"

But who knows?
Maybe Jesus could multiply the bread,

but he had no control
over what type of bread it was.

He was like, "You want some bread?
Boom, pumpernickel.

[audience laughing]

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
[chuckles]

Still free bread, everyone. [chuckles]

Let me try this again. Boom, melba toast.
That's never happened before.

That's the big guy
playing a trick on moi."

[audience laughing]

Of course, Jesus was multiplying
the bread to illustrate a point.

He was like,
"I can give you bread that can feed you,

but I can also give you bread
that can feed your soul."

But you know everyone was like,
"Yeah. I'll just take the food bread.

[audience laughing]

I prefer the food bread
to the soul food bread...

unless that's what you call corn bread...
'cause I love--"

"Can you make pizza? I love pizza."

I realize religion jokes make
some people uncomfortable,

especially the ones
that are going to hell.

[audience laughing]

"Don't you dare.
Get back to your regular food jokes."

This is the point in the show

where I usually think about
what I'm gonna eat afterwards.

[audience laughing]

I typically get a steak
'cause I'm a man.

And I tell you, if eating steak is manly,
it is the only manly attribute I have.

I know nothing about cars.
I'm not handy. I can't fix things.

Something breaks in our apartment,
I just look at my wife like:

"We should call someone."
I don't even call. My wife calls.

Some stranger comes over,
I just kind of watch him work. I'm like:

-"You want some brownies or something?
-[audience laughing]

My wife could make us some brownies.
I don't know how to work the stove."

Sometimes I try and act like
I have something more important to do.

I'm like, "Yeah. I'm gonna be over here
working on my diarrhea jokes...

[audience laughing]

in case you wanna talk sports
or steak or something."

I don't know why steak is
considered manly.

I guess it hearkens back
to when a man would hunt the animal.

They kill the animal
and then they eat the animal.

But now we just eat the animal.

And it's not as if hunting
a cow was ever that hard.

[audience laughing]

"Today, fellas, we are gonna
hunt ourselves the elusive cow.

Oh, there's one right here. All right.

[audience laughing]

How do you get
the milk shakes out of that thing?"

But I do love steak.
I order steaks from Omaha Steaks.

Do you buy your meat online?
That's not a sign of a problem.

Just type it in.
A Styrofoam cooler shows up.

The same kind of cooler they're
gonna deliver my replacement heart in.

[mimics thudding]

There's always a neighbor walking by
when I get a delivery, like:

[gasps] "Jim got another box of meat.

[audience laughing]

I imagine that apartment will be free
in a little bit."

Whenever I eat steak at home,
I always use A.1. Steak Sauce.

Everyone has
that same thin bottle of A.1.

that feels empty
right before it floods your steak.

[audience laughing]

Everyone's had the same bottle
of A.1. since 1989.

I was looking at the ingredients,
"Magic. Magic and prunes."

But I love steak.
I love going to a steakhouse,

one of those old-fashioned steakhouses.

You go in there, it's dimly lit.
The waiters are no-nonsense.

"You're getting a steak, son.
You want a steak, right?"

"Yes, ma'am. I want a steak."

[audience laughing]

Have you been to one
of those steakhouses

where they show you
the raw cuts of meat?

They just kind of thrust them at the
table. "You can get this one or this one."

And men, we're so visual.
"Throw it. Throw it in my mouth area.

[gibbers]

Me likey meaty."

They show you a vegetable
like you've never seen one.

"This is a potato."
"That's a potato."

[audience laughing]

But vegetables in the steakhouse,
they don't come with the steak.

They're à la carte,
like leg room on Southwest.

[audience laughing]

They're not even called vegetables.
They're called side dishes.

'Cause what they do
to vegetables in steakhouses,

-they're no longer vegetables.
-[audience laughing]

"You can get our spinach
that we cooked in ice cream.

[audience laughing]

There's also our house specialty,
which is a baked potato

stuffed with 20 sticks of butter.

[audience laughing]

If you're on a diet,
we can do it with 19 sticks."

But I love steak. When I die,
I wanna be buried in a steakhouse.

Well, not buried.
Just my casket on display.

People in steakhouses,
they wouldn't even care.

"What's the deal with the casket?"

"That was a comedian, his one wish--"
"Yeah, I'll have a rib eye."

[audience laughing]

"Coming right up, Mrs. Gaffigan."

[audience laughing]

I do love steak,
but it is rather barbaric. Right?

I mean, we're eating a part of a cow
and I love animals.

And I love animal lovers.

My favorite are the people
that carry around the dog in a bag.

Whenever I see that, I always think,
"What an adorable way

to let us know you're crazy."
'Cause they're crazy.

They're carrying around an animal
that can walk in a bag.

They're not going to the vet.
They're shopping.

That's okay. But if I carry around
a canned ham, I'm a weirdo?

[audience laughing]

It would be one thing
if the dog looked happy,

but the dog always has a look on his face:

"Can you believe
I'm sitting in a purse?

I was part of Mexican royalty."

But I get it. I love dogs. And I think
it's cute when people dress their dogs up.

But how do you have your dog in a jacket
and walk by a homeless person?

"Sorry. I'd help,
but I spent all my money on a coat

for my animal that's born with a coat."

[audience laughing]

I love cats.
Some people don't like cats.

Our neighbor has a cat
and she lives in a studio apartment,

or as I refer to it, a litter box.

[audience laughing]

One time she asked me, she was like,
"Can you tell I have a cat?"

I was like, "No, but I can tell you have
a box of turds in your apartment.

[audience laughing and clapping]

I'm not sure
if that's the same question."

We all have
the friend with the cat, right?

In a small place. You visit them,
the cat does their business.

You don't really acknowledge it.
You go on with the conversation.

"What do you want on your pizza?"
"Bleach.

[audience laughing]

Febreze. Can we open a window
or knock down a wall?"

"Are my eyes bleeding? How about
we throw a diaper on the kitty?"

[audience laughing]

But I get it, 'cause I love animals.

I think being around animals,
there's a healing quality.

But I also think
we give animals too much credit.

Like, a dog is man's best friend?

I've never seen
a dog help someone move.

[audience laughing]

Yes, horses are graceful and elegant
until you see them poop standing up.

[audience laughing]

Dolphins are smart.
Learn English like Jesus did.

For the record, I would never eat
a dolphin 'cause I don't like fish.

And I know I'll get tweets where people
will say, "Dolphins are mammals."

And those are the people I block.

[audience laughing]

'Cause that's how I deal
with criticism. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I wish I liked fish. I wish I was
the person in the restaurant:

"You know,
I don't go out to dinner that often,

but instead of getting a delicious steak,
I'll get the fish

-'cause I like disgusting food."
-[audience laughing]

'Cause fish is disgusting.

How bored are you with eating
if you're ordering the fish?

You know, "Just bring me
something gross. I like to waste money."

Who's the first person
to walk into a harbor and go:

"Hey, whatever reeks in here,
let's eat that."

[audience laughing]

Fish don't even like fish. That's why
they're always frowning. They're like:

"Mmm.

What's that smell?
Oh, it's me. I'm a fish."

[audience laughing]

What's the best compliment
you can give fish?

It's to say that it's not fishy.

Isn't fish supposed to be fishy?
"Get the hamburger. It's not burger-y."

[audience laughing]

Fishy is an indication
something's wrong.

"Something fishy going on here?"
"No, everything's burger-y."

[audience laughing]

I'm Catholic.
Every Friday during Lent, we eat fish,

which is supposed to symbolize
the suffering of Jesus on the cross.

What? Which means at one point,
someone was like:

"How should we honor
the sacrifice of Jesus?"

The other guy is like, "We could fast.
We could starve ourselves."

-"No, that's too easy.
-[audience laughing]

What if we ate fish?"

The other guy was like,
"I'd rather be crucified."

It's a true story. It's in the Bible.

Fish? Some cultures,
they eat fish for breakfast.

"Good morning. Here's some fish.
It matches your breath."

[audience laughing]

I'm not even hungry in the morning.

Granted, 'cause I ate
a couple hours earlier.

But fish? I was in Iceland. Went down to
breakfast. At the beginning of the buffet,

there was a bottle of fish oil
and 12 shot glasses.

They're drinking fish for breakfast.

I don't know
when you're supposed to drink fish,

but maybe not when you wake up.

"Do you want the orange juice,
the grapefruit juice or the fish juice?"

The best news that ever happened
to grapefruit juice.

"Finally, I'm not the worst thing
on the planet."

[audience laughing]

Fish. I was in Israel. Israel.
Went down to breakfast.

The entire breakfast buffet in Israel was
fish, different types of disgusting fish.

I know it's always comforting when
a pale, blond guy is criticizing Israel.

[audience laughing]

"This is gonna go well.

Grab your iPhone."

It's this look. It's not easy looking
like Hitler's wet dream, all right?

[audience laughing]

This is not a good look.

This is not the look you want
for the tour of the Holocaust Museum.

I've been to the Holocaust Museum in D.C.
I think everyone should go.

I just suggest you don't look like me.

I was walking around.
People were like, "He did it.

[audience laughing]

That's the guy from the photo.

He's not in Argentina.
He's right here. Get him!"

Actually, I'm too pale for Hitler. Right?

Hitler would have been like,
"I said Aryan, not snowman.

I mean, meet me halfway, people."

By the way,
that's how Hitler sounded.

♪ I'm Hitler, baby
Bum, bum, bum, bum, buh ♪

♪ The Hitler man can ♪

I'm a very pale white guy.

I have yet to be the victim
of any type of discrimination.

I've been the victim of someone
assuming I'd enjoy a racist joke.

Have you ever had that? You're like,
"Why would you think I'd wanna hear that?"

"He looks like
he'd enjoy a little hatred.

[audience laughing]

Maybe this bigotry will brighten his day.

If anyone would have a problem
with pigmentation it'd be the pale fella."

[audience laughing]

I know what I look like.
I'm not saying I don't forget.

You ever forget what you look like
and then you walk in front of a mirror

-and you're like, "Oh, no.
-[audience laughing]

When did that happen?"

'Cause during the day
you're like, "I'm Brad Pitt.

I'm John Goodman?"

[audience laughing]

"What's wrong with John Goodman?"

But it's not that bad.
It's easier to be a guy anyway.

I mean, there's sexism. But just
the day-to-day life of being a woman.

Honestly, it looks too hard.

Just hair, what some women have to deal
with, cut and color and goos and potions.

What do most guys have to deal with
with their hair? Not having a mullet.

That's all a guy has to do
is not have a mullet. A-plus.

And there are still some guys
that can't pull that off.

[audience laughing]

"They're not talking about my mullet?"
"No, you've got a good mullet."

It's easier to be a guy.
Makeup. Some women wear makeup.

Most guys don't change their pants
'cause their belt's in there.

[audience laughing]

"Are these jeans dirty?"
"Is there a belt in there?

[audience laughing]

Ask me in 2019."

And I'm not saying women are doing
any of these things to please

or impress a man, but some of it's
self-inflicted, like the eyebrow thing.

I mean, that's on you, ladies.

There's not a person
on this planet that's going:

"I'm looking for someone who's removed
90 percent of their eyebrow hair."

I don't even know what some
of these ladies are going for.

It's like,
"I wanna look constantly surprised...

[audience laughing]

like I'm about to eat a baby."

But it's a man's world.

I don't have a joke for that.
I just wanna remind the ladies.

[laughs]

I'm kidding. The weird thing is,
if you have little kids,

if you have little boys and little girls,

you would never think
it would ever be a man's world

'cause if you put a 3-year-old boy
next to a 3-year-old girl

and you had to pick who was
gonna be in charge in the future,

you wouldn't be like,
"The boy, the one chewing on the table."

[audience laughing]

'Cause little boys are savages.

I have three little boys. Each of them
has head-butted me for no reason at all.

[mimics banging]
"Well, we are in church. Okay."

[audience laughing]

It's different. When you have a daughter,
you have thoughts like:

"Maybe I should save for med school."

When you have a son, you're like,
"There's gonna be a few rounds of rehab.

[audience laughing]

That's okay."

I have three boys, two girls.
I have enough kids,

where even Mormons are like,
"You should settle down."

[audience laughing]

I travel with my kids. My two youngest
are 3- and 5-year-old boys.

And traveling with boys that age

is like transferring serial killers
between prisons.

[audience laughing]

We've seen the movie.
You know it doesn't work out.

[audience laughing]

My 3-year-old, I love him,
but he's eternally in a bad mood.

He always has a look on his face
like he's gonna shiv you with a crayon.

Or he's pooping.
And sometimes it's both.

And our 5-year-old, he's an escape artist.
He's the El Chapo of children.

You just put him down and he runs.

And then I have to pay
my 12-year-old to go get him.

[audience laughing]

Sometimes she can't find him
and I'm forced to stand up...

[audience laughing]

and look for my own child.

Sometimes I can't find him.
I mean, you always find the kid.

The joke doesn't end with,
"Now I got four kids," you know?

[chuckles] You find the kid.
They're with a security guard.

They're always with a security guard.

That's an awkward approach
'cause I'm with my four other kids.

I look like a moving diorama
for birth control.

[audience laughing]

Doesn't help
that I'm usually eating something.

It's hard to seem concerned about your
child's whereabouts holding a corn dog.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, there he is.
Now, where's mustard?"

But that's parenting. It's stressful.

Parenting is a sacrifice.
It's exhausting. It's expensive.

At times it feels thankless.

-But eventually you die.
-[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

My wife hates that joke.

My wife hates that joke.

And in full disclosure,
she does 90 percent of the work.

And the 10 percent I do feels
like too much.

[audience laughing]

I'm getting ripped off.
Ten percent of five kids.

That means I'm in charge
of one kid for like half a day.

I'm like a single mom.

[audience laughing]

That's a joke where the audience thinks,
"Maybe Jim is a dick."

[chuckles]

My wife is amazing.
Even in the most stressful moments,

I will catch her looking at me
with an expression

that could only be described as regret.

[audience laughing]

But she's Catholic, so there's no quitting
the team. Thank you, Jesus.

[audience clapping]

I'm aware my wife is out of my league.
She's very thin and attractive.

I look like I had two wives
and I ate one of them.

[audience laughing]

She's amazing. She's my writing partner.
We do everything together.

-She's brilliant. She's "creative...
-[audience laughing]

and tal..."
I can't read her handwriting.

No. We're totally equals. I mean,
when we rent a car, I won't let her drive.

And that's not sexism.
I just don't wanna die.

[audience laughing]

She can drive my kids around.
I don't care about that.

But if I'm in the car, uh-uh.

She's amazing.
Probably the most impressive thing

my wife can do is her ability
to remember

absolutely every horrible thing
I've ever done.

She'll bring it up.
We'll be watching TV. She'll be like:

"Remember that time you humiliated me
when we went out to dinner?"

"Now I do. Must have blocked it out
searching for self-esteem."

[audience laughing]

I don't wanna misrepresent her.
She's very forgiving.

It's just the forgetting part.

But we all aspire to be forgiving.

Pope John Paul II forgave the guy
who tried to assassinate him.

I mean, granted he was the pope.

He couldn't be like,
"Let's torture this bastard."

He kind of had to forgive him.

But Pope John Paul II went
to the guy's jail cell and forgave him.

But then he left. It's not like
then he had to live with the guy.

Like, if the pope lived with the guy,
we would have seen how long

that forgiveness would have lasted.

"Pope, your turn to do the dishes."

"Didn't you shoot me?

[audience laughing]

I think it's always your turn
to do the dishes.

Bless you, my son."

Pope, that's a tough job.
Anyone pope here?

-[audience laughing]
-No?

Pope's a tough job. You know
it's tough 'cause the last one quit.

He's like, "I'm done. I'm out of here."

Everyone at the Vatican was like,
"You're supposed to speak for God

until you die," and the pope was like,
"Uh... God told me to quit.

[audience laughing]

And to eat more cheese."

Our new pope, Pope Francis,
calls people on the phone.

I don't know why you'd ever believe
it's the pope.

"Hello?" "It's the pope."

"Oh, can you hold on?
I have Spider-Man on the other line."

[audience laughing]

My wife loves talking on the phone
and I would rather be hit by a car.

I'm not saying a big car,
but a Mini Cooper.

I'd take that over
a 20-minute conversation.

She's always like, "It seems like you're
trying to get off the phone." "I am.

I love you. I just can't hold
my arm up for this long."

I can't believe
any of us talk on the phone.

There's e-mail and text.

Sometimes my phone rings,
I look at it and I think:

"This person better be calling to tell me
their hands are chopped off."

[audience laughing]

"I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy."
"Buy my album."

[audience laughing]

That is all for me.
Thank you so much.

[all cheering]

[belches]

[sighs]