All language subtitles for El Harb El Alameya El Talta

THIS MOVIE IS NOT AN IDENTICAL COPY
OF THE FOREIGN MOVIE NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM.

BUT IT'S VERY SIMILAR TO IT.

-Good day, Mr. Mansour.
-Good day, Khaled. How are you?

-Sit down.
-Sit where exactly, Mr. Mansour?

Have a seat. Let's get a cup of coffee.

I'm not sitting or standing, and this
will be the end of our conversation.

I asked for 50 toilet seats, and your son,
Khamees, brought them all without bidets.

You told him that you preferred German
over Egyptian products.

Pardon me, but Germans
rarely wash their bottoms.

So if Germans don't wash their bottoms,
I should be robbed off of my money?

Oh, my god!

Relax, relax now.
I'll make it up to you with urinals.

I have some fine quality urinals
that only Khaled Bouga deserves.

You're also at fault here, Khaled.

Do you think it was right to make a deal
with an idiot called Khamees?

Is he even reliable?

Even I, his father,
don't ask him for a sandwich.

That's not my problem.
I don't care about him.

Relax, relax now.
He's on his way from college.

As soon as he gets here,
I'll rip his ears off for you.

Don't play with me.

I can't wait until he comes back
from college and graduates.

I want my money right now, or don't
blame me for my actions, Mr. Mansour.

-Get in there, men!
-You stay right there, Khaled Bougi!

No one can do Khamees' father wrong,
even in this cowardly neighborhood.

Those who didn't show up now
shall put on some lipstick.

I said it before, and I'm saying it now.

If you talk bad about me,
I'll get dirty with you.

Get away, kid! Get out of the way!

Here I come.

Here I come, Khaled Bougi.

Here I come, you son of a bitch.

Excuse me, ghost.

Swallow your own spit, Khaled Bougi,
and tell me what you came here for.

I came to take the money
you stole from me, Khamees.

Who stole from you, Khaled?

-You and your father, Khamees.
-My father and I stole from who, Khaled?

-Both of you stole from me.
-Who stole from you, Khaled?

Listen, should I text it to you
so you can understand me?

If you ask me one more time,
I'll hit you with my shoes.

Great! He said what I was waiting for.

Avenge me now, Khamees.
You should be ready for what's coming.

Just sit tight and watch
what I'll be doing.

For the rest of the neighborhood,

watch what will happen to Khaled
for what he did.

A mistake may take a moment
but regret lasts for years, pretty face.

Let me break it down for you.
I don't have money nor cheques.

Just show me the man
who'll touch our toilet seats

and I'll make him suffer
the burn of its washer.

Peace be upon you.

Peace be upon you.

Lord, I'm not asking you to retrieve
your judgment, I'm asking for your mercy.

Lord, I'm not asking you to retrieve
your judgment, I'm asking for your mercy.

I beg thy forgiveness, Almighty Lord,
and I repent to thee.

I beg thy forgiveness, Almighty Lord,
and I repent to thee.

That's enough, Father.
Don't bother yourself with what happened.

I will not let anyone touch you anymore,
as long as I'm alive.

As for the cheques Bougi took from you,
I know exactly how to get them back.

Don't be sad now, Father.
I'm telling you. You have a man for a son.

A man who knows how to avenge you.

Smile now.

Smile. Please, smile for me.

Smile for Khamees' sake.

I said for Khamees' sake.

There you go.

You let him hit me, you son of a bitch!

-I was getting men from the coffee shop!
-For an hour?

Did you need an hour to call men
from the shop across the street?

On the way, I got kidnapped!

I wish you were, I really do.

Enough drama, Father.
Is it the first time you ever got hit?

Who do you think is the reason for it?
You're the cause of all my troubles.

-Lord avenge me from my son, avenge me!
-Go away already, man!

Khamees! What are you wearing?

Weren't you returning from college?

Yeah, right. I was really in college.

But you can say I had
a physical education class.

See? I've misjudged you.

I thought you were playing ball
in the streets.

Father, there you go again.

"Some thoughts are a sin."

You got that one right.

-"Some thoughts are a sin."
-It's a sin.

Son, if I ever get harsh with you,
that would be just because of two things.

-The first one is for your own good.
-What's number two, Father?

-Because you're a lying idiot!
-What was that for?

Who plays ball at college?
A physical education class at college?

Who is the professor anyway?
Dr. Midhat Shalabi or Dr. Mustapha Abdo?

I've told you a thousand times
to focus on your studies

and save playing ball for later.

You just don't get it, Father.

Soccer will make me famous
and make us a lot of money.

Everyone says that I'm so talented

with Gedo's speed
and Mohamed Barakat's humor.

Tell me boy, who are we playing
against with today?

Do you know why I got you
here today, Khamees?

Because I'm good in front of the goal.

No, because you're the owner of the ball.

So be good and pass it to me.
Don't make me mad.

I'm betting all my money on this game.

I swear if we lose this game,
we'll go hit your father at his shop.

-Do whatever you like, let's go.
-Let's go.

Take that.

-Run!
-Go!

Go!

Pass it to me! Pass it to me!

I'm here.

What's going on?

Go over there and cover me well.

Okay, okay. Good, good, good.

Throw it well, man!

-Oh, my god!
-What the hell are you doing?

What the heck. Pass it!

Here! Here! I will score!

What a miss!

Focus, people! You'll spoil the match!

-I'll never play with you again.
-Play it right!

-Get up now, get up!
-Pass it!

-Pass it! Pass it!
-Here you go!

Stop that bullshit and score!

Oh, my God!

Play well, man, so we can win.

-Take this!
-Pass it!

Here! Score! The goalkeeper is away.

-Hey, buddy! Come here.
-What is it?

-Go get the ball.
-Seriously?

-You lost it, go get it.
-I'm the owner of the ball.

It's common sense that owners
don't get the ball or stand guard.

That is if he knows how to play.
I regret playing with you, Khamees.

-Regret what now?
-The moment I played with you, Khamees.

-The moment you play with who?
-I hate you, Khamees!

-You hate who now?
-Just get out of my face, man!

Come on, men, curse him.

-Curse him, we lost our money.
-I don't even care.

Where is the entrance to this place?

SALADIN AL-AYUBBI

Peace be upon you.

I said, "peace be upon you."

Peace be upon you.

Subhanallah.

He looks exactly like a real human being.

Look at this now, you player.

What are you doing here, buddy?

Wait.

But what's the relationship
between Wael El Ibrashi and the piano?

Is this true?

Intruder, intruder, intruder!

Soldiers, close the entrance
and leave this bastard to me.

Orabi, get him! I want him alive.

Get the thief

Don't touch me
or I'll shoot you in the head.

Stay right where you are.

Who are you aiming that sword at?

Who are you people?

-You son of a monkey.
-Get him!

Soldiers, go right. The rest, follow me.

-Are they after you?
-What's that? What's this?

Are they after you?

Yes. Yes, they're after me.

-Do you want to get out of here?
-I'm begging you.

Give me a cigarette.

-What?
-I said, "Give me a cigarette."

I'm sorry, but I don't smoke.

Well then, give me ten pounds.

I swear I don't have even a dime.

-Is that so? Orabi!
-Please, don't!

I'm begging you.

I'm begging you. Let me out
and I'll do whatever you want me to.

I want an uncensored CD of Halawet Rooh.

-I'll get it for you.
-Hide beside my right leg.

You think they won't see me there?

Stop it, child. You're so ignorant.

If you say so.

You're a good sphinx.
May the Lord add this to your good deeds.

Sphinx, haven't you seen the intruder?

No, I swear to you, Orabi.
I haven't seen a soul.

Elvis.

Say hello to Sphinx.

-Good evening.
-Good evening, Elvis!

He's by my right leg.

Come here, boy.

Turned out you're dirty as hell.

Shut up you good-for-nothing,
manner-lacking, animal thief of a child.

Trying to act, lie, and deceive us.

What did he do exactly?

-Did he steal anything?
-I wish he did, sir, I wish.

But excuse me for saying this, sir.

He was trying to molest Gandhi.

A thief, a gangster,
and a homosexual as well!

And Gandhi, I told you that you should try
to cover your shoulder.

Our youth is quite weak!

We must break his leg or cut his throat.

-Ahmed Orabi!
-At your command, sir!

Did you inform King Tut?

Signal.

We received a signal from our soldiers
that they arrived at Sphinx's statue, sir.

The King, Tutankhamun.

His Majesty, King Tutankhamun.

Apologies.

His Majesty, King Tutankhamun.

Tutankhamun.

Was this is better than the first one?

This is not the right time, Your Majesty.
We have a disaster going on.

Get me down.

Good morning, everyone.

What's wrong, Muhammad?

This thief is waiting for Your Majesty
to make the decision in his regard.

This one here?

Good evening.

Didn't you notice something, Muhammad?

Pardon me, Tut.
I don't have your attention to detail.

All of you didn't notice anything?

You didn't notice
my new flip-flops, did you?

Do you like it?
Don't you think it's quite nice?

It's very nice, Tut, my son.
The floors are now blessed with it.

Thank you, Muhammad.

What's more important now
is the thief. This gangster.

What's that now, Muhammad?

Someone ate some seeds
and spat the peel on the floor!

Why aren't the floors clean?

Ashanti tribes, you get here at once!

How many times
have we discussed seed peels?

-Well...
-Shut up!

I've always wanted the Filipino statues
because they're better at cleaning.

We shall get them!

But you have to make a decision now.

Okay, Muhammad. I will make the decision.

Good evening.

Execute him.

Execute him and hang him
at the gate of the museum.

Yes, we shall execute him.

Let him become a lesson for every thief
that enters the museum.

No, it's because I've seen that in a movie
last night and liked it very much.

Throw him in the cell next to Aladdin.

Shall we?

You fell in a trap like a poor little dog.

Get in there you, filthy criminal.

You people, I didn't do anything!
Get me out of here!

I said, get me out of here!

Come over here, boy.

Are you the thief who's trying
to molest Gandhi?

I swear, I didn't molest anyone.
My ball fell in and I came to get it...

Are you going to tell me your life story?
Do you think we're friends now?

Shut up. I'm trying to fix this lamp
or I'll throw it away.

Can I ask one last question
before I shut up?

Are those people for real

or am I a new target in Ramez Galal's
new program?

-Who's that?
-I mean those people outside.

Are they humans?
Or are they dead or awakened demons?

Are you dumb? Have you ever seen
anyone back from the dead?

-Thank you for reassuring me.
-Those are awakened statues.

You destroyed my reassurance.

That's enough, I'm tired!

-Where did that voice come from?
-Shut up, boy.

-You silly genie called Sayed.
-Yes, sir?

I just fixed the screw right here.
Is it okay in your living room or what?

-No, tighten it a bit more.
-Is that the new Nokia lamp?

Shut up, boy.

I'm done with the screw and done with you.

Is it fixed inside
or should I get in there?

Okay, very good now, sir.
You can start the whole thing now.

Stand away because I'm going to rub now.

Okay, sir, but rub it gently now.

Your wishes are my commands
and the lamp is as good as new.

What's that? You have guests now, sir?

Peace be upon you.
I'm Sayed, the genie of the lamp.

Muhammad, this hanger is so pretty.

Execute me now. Pretty please.

Oh, my...

As you wish.

-But, sir.
-No buts.

-Sir.
-Don't "sir" me.

-Do you think...
-I don't think.

Go ahead, your majesty.

How does this thing work?

Please, your majesty.
Pay attention for a while.

You hold the handle and push it forward
as you lean forward.

-Orabi!
-It's very easy.

Get him from his cell.

Oh, my god!

Those statues will kill me.

That's enough, Khamees.
We don't need any whining here.

But I also don't get it.

If you're Aladdin with your magic lamp,

why don't you tell this genie
to get us out of here as you wish?

Tell who? Let me show you.

-Sayed!
-Yes, sir.

-Get us out of here.
-Right away.

Excuse me, just hold my tea.

How can I get you out of here, sir?
The door is locked from the outside.

When you're asking,
ask for something reasonable.

I'm no magician.

-Give me my tea back.
-What magician? Of course not.

Here you go. It's always this way.

I swear if I got a teddy bear
from the lamp,

that would've been better.

When I first saw him,
I was about to die of fear.

Of fear? If you know him really well,
you'll die of laughter.

How lucky could I get?
The day I came in, those statues woke up.

Not at all, we've been awake
for a long time.

I'll tell you all about it.

A spell was cast upon us and ever since,
we wake up every day

from 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.

But this year, we're waking up
from 5:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m.

-I don't get it, what's with this year?
-Because summertime is canceled.

I still don't get it.

If you're a statue like them,
why are you locked up?

Because I tried to escape
and they caught me.

The laws of this museum
forbid any statue from going out.

You guys are all statues.

Fix your own problems.
What do I have to do with that?

I wanted to die as a martyr
in the revolution

or by saving a drowning child.

But being executed by Santa?
I don't want that stupid kind of death.

-That's absolutely right.
-Tell him, Sayed.

But to be honest,
we're so happy to meet you.

Thank you, dear.

-Want some tea?
-Some tea would be nice.

But the heater is broken.
I'll get you some cold tea.

ALADDIN
MADE IN EGYPT

Let me tell you something, Khamees.

You and I shall make a deal.

-What is it?
-I'll get you out, and you'll get me out.

If you know how to get me out,
why don't you get yourself out first?

No, I know how to get you out
but I don't know how to get myself out.

And you can get me out
but can't get yourself out.

I still don't get it.

I'll tell you in a bit.

Okay, but let's read the Fatiha first
so that you don't trick me.

-You start and I'll read along.
-Okay!

What's wrong, Sayed?
Won't you read it with us?

I'm a genie.
If I read the Quran, I'll burn.

I, King Tutankhamun, have decided.

The king of this museum and higher leader
of the army and armed forces.

The star of this generation
and father of all statues.

To apply judgment number one
of our forensic law,

and to execute this captain before you
wearing his yellow t-shirt,

because I honestly don't know his name.

This is due to his violation
of the museum laws

and his attempt to molest Mahatma Gandhi.

Your majesty, it's the right
of prisoners on death row

to make a final wish in their life.

Don't be stupid, Muhammad.
Imagine him asking us to let him go.

Was that you?

Get down from here. Get down.

I can't watch this.

Let's start from the beginning.

I'm bored with this way of execution.
Shoot him.

Soldiers, take your position.

Ready...

-Shoot him!
-Stop it right there, statues.

Orabi! Who got this boy out of his cell?

You better be grateful.

I came just in time to stop you
from committing a disaster.

Do you know who's this boy you're killing?

-Who?
-It's the statue of Saladin.

Saladin? Untie him at once!

Yes. That's what I've been trying
to tell you since I got into this mosque.

-It's a museum.
-I meant museum.

I'm Saladin, the brother of Aladdin.

-What brother? You're Saladin Al-Ayubbi.
-Arnoubi?

-Saladin Al-Ayubbi.
-Al-Ayubbi.

I'm Saladin Al-Ayubbi.

-The brother of Aladdin Al-Ayubbi.
-How stupid are you?

Of course, my brother and dear friend,

who sacrifices his head
for this museum to live,

he is worthy to be my brother, of course.

Welcome home, Saladin.

Hang in there, you idiot.
You'll get us locked in again.

One second!

It's impossible that this man
is really Saladin.

-Look there! It's Levy Cohen!
-Don't call me that.

My name is Ra'fat, Ra'fat El-Haggan.

Have you forgotten what happened?

Saladin lost his head in battle,
and since then, he's in maintenance.

Also, this isn't what Saladin looks like.

You said it yourself.

His head was lost in battle.
That's the new one they installed for him.

Very clever and reasonable.

If he's actually Saladin, Aladdin,
why didn't he greet us when he came in?

Doesn't he know us?

Ra'fat, when you get a pair of new shoes,
you take some time to fit it to your feet.

The new head also needs some time
to fit his body, just like your shoes.

Fit what? And what are you saying?

Do you think we're crazy like you?

Why should we believe someone like you?

Believe me statues, I'm not lying to you.

Believe me... That's enough, Beethoven!

What kind of music are you playing?

Give me a sad tune.

I know that no one
in this museum likes me.

You all think of me as a thief
or a cartoon character.

I don't have the history
that any of you have.

But believe me that I'm not a liar.

Believe me, King Tut. I'm not a liar.

If you can't trust with your eyes,
at least trust me with your heart.

I'm not speaking to King Tut.

I'm speaking with Tut, the statue.

I know that inside you lies a true statue.

A statue that will believe me.

I believe you.

I do.

One second there, Tut.

Would someone put that guy on a leash?

They taught us about this
in the school of intelligence...

I remember you dearly, Mr. Muhsen.

It was the 14th of November, 1954.

-We were eating meatballs.
-What are you trying to say?

There should be a mark on his body

that would prove
whether he is really Saladin or not.

Which is why we should check for the mark.

No! Anything but that.

Don't be afraid. Go ahead, bad boy.

-Turn around.
-What is he talking about?

Do as he says.

Fine.

SALADIN
MADE IN EGYPT

Welcome back, Saladin!

We shall make a great party
to celebrate the return of Saladin.

My man, Saladin!

If you didn't come back on your own,
we would've gone searching for you.

Thank you, Alexander.

Shall we fry some fish or cook some clams?

No, we're good like this.
It already feels like we're at a hotel.

Would you like some shrimp
or some yogurt with fruit?

-Thank you, Alexander.
-I want to serve you.

He already said thank you.

Will you choke us with food
before we even start eating?

Why are you yelling at me, Aladdin?

He's our friend,
and it's been a long time.

What friend are you talking about?

Get to work with this weird outfit
you're wearing.

I'll get going anyway. We'll be watching
the league game and the natives.

Michael, keep your eyes on the place.

We either win or we burn the place down.

The fish is great, right?

Careful because you're eating wax.

I was wondering why it tastes different.
Why didn't you say something?

And now, you're drinking poison.

No problem.
I just want to get out of here.

Do you think that I'm the cute and nice
Aladdin from old stories and fairytales?

Easy now, tiger.
I'm worse than anyone you know.

You're not leaving this place
until you fulfill your end of the deal.

-I want to leave the country.
-You want to leave the country?

Yes, I want to leave the country.

I can't take it anymore.

I feel so small in this museum
as you just saw.

Everyone treats me as if I'm someone
with no history like them.

Especially that Ahmed Orabi dude.

He makes our ears bleed
with his Orabi revolution.

A revolution that even that shortie
Wael Ghuneim did so easily.

So I need you to get me out of here.

Out of this place to where exactly?

The one near the media production city?

No, that's dream land.

I meant the one in America.

America, my friend, is another thing.

A statue there is treated
like a proper statue.

Not the way they treat us around here.

I have a friend there who'll help me
with everything. I'll get work right away.

That's great, but I still don't get it.

Is your friend a human
or a statue like you?

No, he's a statue just like us who was
here in this museum but God helped him.

Okay, Aladdin. What should I do
so you'd let me get away from here?

I'm going to tell you.

My friend told me that I need to get
some paperwork done for me to get there.

-You mean passport, Visa and so on?
-That's it.

You help me get those
and we'll be on the right track.

Very easy. You just get me out quickly.

I'll get the passport
and come back the day after.

Give me four photos of you
with a white background.

No baby, there's no tomorrow.

Here's the photo.

Take it, fix things,
and come back tomorrow.

Great! As you wish.

But wait, if you think that you can escape
and never come back here,

I still have one last card to play
in case you ever try to betray me.

A card?

Your ball, I still have it.

You got me right where you want me.
You have an amazing brain there man!

-You're the brains here man.
-You evil, evil man.

Another matter remains
and it can't be delayed.

What's that?

Saladin's returned safely to the museum.

You should stand back from your rule.

-Did he talk to you about it?
-I swear that he didn't.

The man never said a word.

Don't forget that you're a statue
who's doomed to make mistakes.

Which means
that you should start to reform.

Forgive me son, but Tutankhamun
wasn't actually that fat.

And Muhammad Ali Pasha used to speak
like Shrihan in Ramadan's show?

Wasn't it Nefertiti's will
that I rule the museum after her?

Give me the will, son.

Thank you.

"The ruler of the museum
is a star, a sun, and a key."

Which also means Tut, Ankh, and Amun.

That's the case if there wasn't a star,
a zero, and a window,

which means Saladin Al-Ayubbi.

It's the first time I saw this line here.

Because you lack education.

You missed a whole line.

Anyway, here's the will you like so much.

Yes.

Leave now before I make you stand there
and put you in that guy's place.

Why did you do that, sir?

Didn't I warn you about sitting
on my flying carpet?

-You're also wearing my tie!
-I feel cold, sir. I'm dying.

Take your salary and go to your lamp.
I don't need you.

-Thank goodness.
-No man, don't ruin his living.

Stay out of this.

I don't want anyone
to discuss this with me.

Anyway, I was going to fire him
and get a Nigerian nanny.

-Pay, pay, pay.
-Aladdin!

You shame of a statue.

Answer her, sir.
She's holding her slipper in her hand.

You're now showing your face, you bastard?

What's wrong now, Jasmine?
Don't be such a pain in the neck.

You think you can make a scene for me
in the whole museum?

After I took you off the streets
and made you a respectful statue?

You told me you wanted to marry me
and then flee as if you never did?

You filthy thief. You backstreet boy!

Come and see everyone!

-Without your lamp, you're worthless.
-The righteous words are being said.

You! Go over there.

Be careful, don't let him get away.

-Yes, sir!
-Come with me, Sayed.

Now you're leaving me,
you piece of disgrace?

-What's this?
-Do you really believe

you're the king's daughter?

Are you a demon, a mammal or what?

Keep your hands to yourself.
What are you trying to do to me?

I didn't mean that, Sayed.

But I've never seen
a saggy demon like this.

That's because of my life in the lamp.
I only eat and stay in there.

Tell me the truth.

If someone like you found a demon like me,
how many wishes would you ask?

-As far as I know, you get three wishes.
-375 wishes.

Tea, coffee, shisha, scratch my back,
massage me, or call Gandhi from the café.

-Do you want to know a secret?
-Tell me.

I'm not blue. He just painted me.

What's your original color then?

-Lilac.
-Lilac?

-Yes.
-Why are you keeping it a secret?

-Why don't you tell the king?
-Which king?

Tutankhamun? I went to file
a complaint once and he called him.

Once he saw the toy train
that Aladdin got him,

he just forgave him and kicked me out.

I don't know what to say, Sayed.

But thank goodness
you're better than others.

I'm grateful, but I feel sorry
for the poor girl in there you just saw.

That angry woman over there is a princess
who is the descendant of kings.

He took all her money
and everything she owned.

He told her he'll marry her and left.

-May I ask you a secret question?
-Go ahead.

Pardon me, but did they do it already?

Do what?

You know... it.

Did he do that thing with her?

No, no, no, she's not that type
because she's a half.

A half?

You mean half man, half woman?

No, just a half.

I'm letting you sleep in the box tonight
just to teach you how to talk to me.

Come here.

No, no, no. Not the box!

-Please, don't.
-Shut up now, I overestimated you.

-She's really a half, Sayed!
-You thought I tricked you?

-Please honey, not the box.
-Now I'm your honey?

Come on people, time for bed.

Umm Kulthum, end your concert.

Come on Pasha, you should sleep.

Just let me pray for dinner.
I'm ready for that.

Pray for it tomorrow.

Good night, sir.

-Lights off.
-Sit tight, Sayed.

I want you to stand still beside me.

Once all the statues are standing still,

you can leave and get me the papers.

-Got it?
-Got it.

Very good. Now stand like Saladin.

No, that's Fifi Abdo's statue posture.

Khamees, I don't need to remind you
that I still have your ball with me.

It is.

Good night, buddy.

Aladdin.

Are you asleep?

If you're asleep, say "yes."

Aladdin.

Aladdin.

Help me!

If you want to make stuffed zucchini,
you'll need half a kilogram of zucchini.

And 100 grams of chopped liver.

Do you like this?

Quiet!

-Hello!
-How are you?

Yes, Chef Sherbini.

-Good day.
-Good day to you, too.

-I have a small question...
-Go ahead.

...whether it's chicken or lamb liver,

no matter how long I marinate it
in vinegar or lemon,

it still tastes quite strong.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do.

The solution is vinegar,
lemon, garlic, and cumin.

Vinegar, lemon, garlic, and cumin.
It'll become white and delicious.

-Vinegar, lemon and what else?
-Cumin, madam.

Right! One's brain isn't working anymore.

Good boy, Saladin.

Khamees. My name is Khamees, madam.

I know, they told me about what happened
to you at the museum.

Yeah, the museum. What a story.

But pardon me for saying this,
but I don't get why I'm kidnapped here.

Are you also a statue?

Enough! I don't like being interrupted
while talking business with someone.

Listen, dear boy. I'm not a statue.

The statues have been holding
a thing of mine for a long time.

And I want you to go
and get it for me, Saladin.

My name is Khamees, madam.

"Khamees, madam."

Shut up, Shalabi. I know what his name is.

Listen to me, darling.
I want you to enter the museum as Saladin.

And get me what I need from in there.

Enter where exactly?

Pardon me, but when I saw you,
I thought I was kidnapped by Fatafeat.

So I thought that the biggest thing
you'll ask me to do

is change the gas bottle.

Or chop an onion.

Maybe bless your Jew's mallow.

But entering that place again?
This will never happen, madam.

-Never.
-You'll go there.

You'll go back there
whether you like it or not.

You better behave and talk well.

Because obviously, you don't
know who you're talking to.

This boy is too annoying.
Why don't we just kill him already?

Didn't I say that no one should interrupt
while I talk business here?

-Give me the purse Khamees, yes.
-That one over there?

-No, not the purse!
-Go away now.

Not the purse, boss!
I have children to take care of.

-Give me that.
-Not that please, give me a last chance.

Just one more chance, please.
Don't do that, I have children.

But you made me sad and you know
how bad it is to get mommy sad.

Why did you do that?
He's always been your man!

Shut up!

Get me another pulp remover.
This one is already dirty.

As you wish, boss.

-What did you say?
-About what?

Would you prefer being forced to go
or should I let your head go there alone?

Tell me now, madam.

I want you to get me
a set of old bardi papers.

A collection of bardi papers,
gathered in what looks like a book.

This book is inside the museum.

It was mine when I was still
the curator of the museum.

The statues stole it
and won't give it back.

I want you to know where it is
and get it for me.

Since you're now Saladin,
you can find it easily.

And you have this Aladdin with you.

He's a prick who can sell his own father.

Pardon my question, madam,
but what if I don't succeed?

Why didn't you tell me
before they closed that hole?

Hey, you two! Leave the hole open.

No, no, no, close the hole.
Keep that hole closed!

I don't know why,

but I have a feeling that I'll succeed
and find the book for you.

Good boy. And that way,
you can close your father's debts.

-Don't you want to help him?
-I wish to do so, he's my only father.

Take these and enjoy for now.
Take the rest after you get the book.

Bless you.

What's that? Pardon my question,
but I still don't know who you are.

I'm the mother, kid!

What are you wearing?

I participated in college theatre
and they gave me the role of Saladin.

So, I thought I'd see the movie
to play the role well.

You're already playing it.

You want to know about Saladin
while watching an irrelevant movie?

Which one is Saladin, Qotors or Bibbers?

-No, it's Jihad.
-Jihad?

Are you stupid?
This movie has no Saladin in it at all!

No kidding.

There I was, asking where's Issa Awwad

and Ramez, the heart of the lion.

What kind of child did I get?

I'm going to pray Maghreb.
Do you need anything?

No, thank you.

-I remembered. Sit, I want to talk to you.
-"Sit"?

-Yes!
-What are you saying?

You get over here.

-Yes!
-What do you want to say this time?

This time, I don't have any trouble.

This time, I'll prove to you
that your son is a real man.

-Really?
-A real man.

Here you go.

-What is this?
-It's 10,000 pounds.

Tomorrow I'll get the rest that you can
give to Khaled

and get all your bills back.

By then, no one will be able
to look you in the eyes.

Mashalla.

The day came when you could help
your old man. You've grown up now.

Now you know that you misunderstood me.

I misunderstood you?

Where did you get this money,
you filthy thief?

What should I do for you
to stop hitting me?

At the end of my life you want me
to spend illegal money?

You don't touch illegal money
but you touch your son to hit him.

If I raised a male duck,
would it have been better for me?

-Take this.
-Give it to me.

-Lord please help me, help me.
-You mean help you.

Good morning, children.

Good boy.

Today we're studying an important issue
that'll be in tomorrow's quiz.

We have 20 oranges.

We want to divide them into four people
who belong in the same family.

What should we do in this case?

-How do we divide them?
-We divide them.

Very good! How smart are you?

We divide them, but how many
oranges will each person take?

Do they all have the same appetite?

This is a mathematical problem.
Leave the appetite aside.

Not everyone likes oranges.
I, for example, like bananas.

So, in this case, I won't have any.

This is a percentage
and relativity problem.

And you're the one
who should know all this.

Now, I'm not myself anymore.

Five oranges.

Who told you to speak?
He was the one who's supposed to know.

That's right. Did you forget your place?

Wake up, baby.

I rule a museum
while you raise a goat, okay?

Get out, I'll study alone.

Go away, you arrogant brat.

Tea with the cake you like.

If you want some sandwiches,
I'll make some so you just study well.

Mr. Einstein, tell me how's Tut doing
in his studies?

I can't lie to you, Mr. Muhammad.

I spend my time being nice
and gentle to him.

Because he's a king
and I'm here to earn a living.

Otherwise, he sucks, to be honest.

Why, dear Tut?

Mr. Einstein says you suck at algebra.

Mr. Jose says you suck at sports.

Even Mr. Ibn Battuta
says you suck at geography.

-What? He's obviously lying.
-That's impossible!

Impossible? You don't believe
the son of a queen,

but you believe a nobody.

-Tut, that's rude.
-No, they don't explain well.

How can I focus with a hair like this one?

I won't study
and I won't learn this lesson.

I'll go play now.
Get the toys and come with me.

Come stand over here.

-Attack there.
-Pass it to me.

Go, Elvis!

-Foul!
-That's mine, that's mine.

-What is this? I'm the one who got hit!
-You're out!

Oh, my god! Take me to the hospital.

She's lying. That woman, Huwaida,
wanted to steal the book first.

When we started to defend it,
she cut off Saladin's head,

burned Nefertiti, then escaped the museum.

And left this idiot to lead us.

But how much is this book
you're killing each other for?

It's not about the money.
It's about the spells in the book.

If anyone finds and misuses it,
there can be disasters.

The simplest spell in them
is the reason why these statues are awake.

Can you imagine the rest
and the effect they might have?

Yeah, but still there's something here.

-Something still doesn't add up.
-What's that?

How can a woman like her
face this whole museum alone?

She's not alone.

She has a statue that escaped
this museum and now he's with her.

He has the brain of a devil.

-Huwaida!
-I didn't have any other solution.

That guy looked stupid and silly.

Do you know the problem, Huwaida?

We trusted a man that we don't even know.

What should we do then?

It's been years since we went
to the museum daily and had no luck.

I wanted someone to get in at night
while they're still awake.

Okay, I'll forgive you this time.
But be careful as I warned you.

-What are you doing?
-I'm making cookies.

Just relax and everything
will be all right.

I do hope so, Huwaida. I hope so.

A dream, a dream I see every day.

I see it every day.

Me going back to the museum,
and returning my lost honor.

Taking this book...

And starting our big plan together.

You know, if this happens,
it'll be a great thing!

-What does that mean?
-This means you'll get the credit.

I'll tell you something, buddy.
If you bail on me, I'll fail here.

Khamees, what you're saying won't work.

You don't know
the importance of that book.

If that book is burned, we'll be back
as statues that will never wake up.

In other words,
this book means everything for statues.

Then what should I do?

I'm also a statue.
What happens to them happens to me.

Yes, you are a statue,
a statue who wants to travel outside.

Traveling outside needs money.

A money Huwaida will give us
as soon as we finish our business here.

What do you say? Don't be lame.

-Oh, my god.
-What?

-It's my friend from America, Micky.
-See? It's a sign from God.

-Micky who?
-My friend, Micky Mouse!

Micky Mouse, you mean that one and only?

-Micky Mouse, the one with big ears.
-Micky is the one who married Minnie.

That's him, let me answer him.

-Micky, my man!
-Hey Aladdin. How are you, friend?

Tell me, buddy, how's life at your side?

Where are you, man? Aren't you coming?

I was trying to escape and they caught me.
Now they want to punish me.

Yeah?

Man, but I tricked them all.
I'm better than you think.

There you go, buddy.
But hurry up. Things here are amazing.

Dollars and countless women.

Even now, I have a girl next to me.
Her name is Margerita.

She saw your photo
and she's dying to meet you.

I'll take her photo and send it
to you on your WhatsApp.

Okay, Micky. I'm coming.

Give me two days to sort things out.
I'll be there.

-That's my man.
-Well...

Hold on, there's a friend of mine
who wants to say hello to you.

-Put him on the phone.
-Here you go.

-Hello, there!
-Hi, who's this?

I'm Khamees and I'm your biggest fan.
I loved you in Micky's Puzzle.

Thank you, buddy, you're great.

I swear to you that you, Donald Duck,

and Mohammed Henedi
are the funniest actors.

Okay, if you'll excuse me now,
this is an overseas call so I should go.

As you wish, but we want something new.
Don't stop producing something new.

-Your wishes are my commands.
-Okay, talk to you later, man.

-Say hi to Minnie and your family.
-You too, man.

Is he as nice in real life
as he is on film?

He's so nice, you can't stop laughing
with him.

When he's drunk, he's hilarious.

I hope you get to him soon.
Do we have a deal?

You have a deal, Khamees.
Let's get the heck out of this museum.

But careful if she gave you a low price.
This book is worth millions.

Millions? She tricked me then.
But I'll get to that later.

When the time comes where she needs me,
I'll get her.

Why don't we get the book
while you're still excited?

What are you saying?
You think it's easy?

That book is in a safe
in the pharaoh section.

And the key to the safe
is the ring on his hand.

And how are we going to rob that fridge?

Don't worry. We'll take him to Bob.

Oh, night, oh, night!

Oh, night!

Loving someone for their looks
And their not heart won't last

Cheating on your friend brings no joy

And having money without working hard

that money won't bring joy either!

And we have goodness
as sweet as honey!

He says...

The man whose wife controls him

Doesn't stand tall

-Oh, god!
-Oh, god!

There you go, Saladin.

Thank you Bob, king of joints.

Why don't you relax, Bob Marley?

-What?
-You know that Saladin doesn't smoke.

You want to let Saladin smoke weed, idiot?

It's Bob Marley, man. I used to dream
about smoking weed with Bahaa Sultan.

Stay sober to complete your work.

Welcoming our king!
Why don't you give one to King Ra'fat?

I'm giving him the joint, of course.

Enough now, Bob. I'm done for now.
I'll go and take a rest upstairs.

-A rest upstairs
-A rest upstairs

-A rest downstairs
-A rest downstairs

Oh, people who are staying upstairs

Look after the people
Who are staying downstairs

No one moves until they come down again.

Come over, King.

No, wait until I come down. If Muhammad
smells my breath, he'd kill me.

Do I smell like cigarettes?

-No, it smells like weed.
-Thank goodness. Then come closer.

You know, this only needs
something pretty.

Why should it be so pretty? Listen up.

Sayed, get up and dance for the men.

Why? Are you going to make fun
of me or what?

-I'm Sayed, not Shahinaz.
-No problem. We're sorry.

Sit down, Shahinaz!

Nice!

Welcome, my dear.
The son of my beloved one.

You reminded us of her. We were ruined

since Queen Nefertiti was melted.

-Queen Nefertiti was melted
-Yes.

She went away

All the girls

Are feeling comfortable right now

-Oh, you boy
-Come on, King!

Don't bring me a chocolate

No need for that, boy

Go and return the potato

No need for that, boy

And the sun becomes more tender with me

He said, "Ask for what you want, girl"

I told him to give me a packet

Oh, you boy

-Hello, guys!
-Hello!

I see you!

Oh, you? I remember you.

You ratted me out that day.

Sorry, Saladin.
I didn't know you at the time.

All right, Sphinx.
But remember, you owe me one.

Hold on, where are you going?

I'm going inside to get something
for the King,

and then I'm going right back out.

They told me not to let anyone inside
while the King is not around.

And I do as I'm told.
Do you want me to get hurt, Saladin?

I told you I'll get in and out quickly.
No one will ever see me.

What do I get from this, Saladin?

The world is a nasty place.
We all need a little push sometimes.

By the way, Sphinx,
I had a question since I was little.

How were you made anyway?
I mean, a human head on a lion body.

Was your father a lion
and your mother a human?

Or was your father a human
and your mother a lioness?

Keep your mouth shut. Talk about my mom
and I'll talk about yours.

I'm just asking
so that you'll know your heritage.

Don't ask me every time I go in or out,
or I'll talk about your mother.

Honey, if you're scared of ghosts

It'll sure appear for him
From all directions

And stay with him

What matters is to not be
Scared of ghosts

Appears from all directions

And stays with him

Boo, boo, boo!

Boo, boo, boo!

Boo, boo, boo!

Boo, boo, boo!

Boo, boo, boo!

Tut, you son of a gun!

Adult magazines!

Easy now. Put him on his side
so that he doesn't break apart.

Sober up king, we need you
on something very quickly.

I'm 100 percent okay.

Listen up, Saladin was in maintenance
and he saw a new statue of Nefertiti.

-Mom?
-Yes, your mom.

So, we want to take the book wake her up
and get her into the museum with us.

-Well, let's do it then.
-Give me the book to do so.

-What book?
-The spellbook that awakens statues.

-What did you do?
-I didn't say a thing.

What's wrong, king?

Can you keep a secret?

-We swear.
-We swear.

Come closer.

The book was stolen.

He ruined our lives.

-You're dead, Aladdin.
-He ruined our lives.

Who stole the book?

No, focus with me before I kill you here.

Who stole the book?

Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, my Amoon!

I'm done, I'll turn around.

-Should I open my eyes?
-Open them, idiot.

And all this time you tricked us
and told us you have the book.

Right.

And told us you were king
and kept us captives.

Right.

Raise your voice so that I can
tell everyone that you lost the book.

Hold on and let's figure out
a solution for this disaster.

She could have sold that book already.

No, don't worry, she doesn't know
that the book is in the box.

Because I hid it
in a secret drawer inside it.

-To her, the box is worthless.
-Even better.

She must have thrown away
the box with the book.

-Of course.
-How can we get to this Marilyn?

A while ago, Micky told me that she became
a famous singer in America.

Not to get busted as a statue,
she changed her name to Nermin.

-What? Nermin Monroe?
-Yes!

Nermin Monroe the famous singer
that got the whole of Egypt on one leg

turns out to be a wax statue?

-Can you get to her?
-I think it's an easy and simple task.

Very good.

Then let's go get the book.

Go how? What will we tell them?

We won't tell them that the book
was stolen, will we?

You've sworn.

My statue people and clan.

I'm leaving the museum.

And I'm ready to risk my life
to awaken my mother,

Queen Nefertiti.

I'm leaving
and I have the book in my hand.

The legs of the girl are showing.

I'm leaving with the book in my hand.

-Yes son, but that's dangerous.
-Yes but that's my mother, Muhammad.

Believe me, it's not just because
it's my mother.

If the mother of any of you
was in such position,

I would've done the same thing.

I don't need your applause.

I need money.

We're leaving and we don't know
what we'll be facing out there.

We also need some clothing.
If we go out like this, we'll be busted.

-Just for five minutes, superstar.
-Fine.

Everyone should pay and don't be cheap.

Good boy, Alexander. Your turn, Elvis.

-All yours.
-Thank you, Madam.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

Mr. Gandhi, you pretty face.

What's this now, Bob?
You're a good man.

There's a 20 for you.

With the rest, get me some Ismailia weed
that look like cones on your way home.

Come back safely.

I'm Marilyn Monroe

I'm seduction itself

Any man will fall in love with me

No matter how careless he is

I do not use silicon or anything else

I do not use bad hair extension

I'm a stylish girl
I never use fake things

Don't envy me, I'm in good health

I'm Marilyn Monroe

I'm seduction itself

I'm Marilyn Monroe, I'm seduction itself

Any man will fall in love with me

No matter how careless he is

I do not use silicon or anything else
I do not use bad hair extension

I do not use silicon or anything else

I do not use bad hair extension

I'm a stylish girl
I never use fake things

Napoleon couldn't take a breath
Till I allowed him to

And Hitler retreats when I get mad at him

Napoleon couldn't take a breath
Till I allowed him to

And Hitler retreats when I get mad at him

King Mohammed Ali is getting upset
Because of me

This is a king, he said

I told him, no! They have to stop

Gather them in the castle
And execute them all, brother

How great you are, brother
How brave you are, Lulu

I'm Marilyn Monroe
I'm seduction itself

I'm Marilyn Monroe
I'm seduction itself

I'm Marilyn Monroe

I'm seduction itself

Any man will fall in love with me
No matter how careless he is

I do not use silicon or anything else
I do not use bad hair extension

I'm a stylish girl
I never use fake things

Don't envy me, I'm in good health

I love coddle

We're done. Come in, please.

Lock the door.
I'll change and come quickly.

-Welcome.
-Tut!

Calm down, wax lady, and come here.

-Let's talk.
-Welcome, Marilyn, who tricked us all.

I finally saw you again, beautiful.

I missed you so much.

Shut up.

Give me the box you stole from the museum.

Which box, you little Aladdin cartoon?

Come and see everyone.

"Come and see"?

Are you sure
that this is Marilyn's statue?

Don't you like it, dear?

If she sees you,
she'll kill herself all over again.

This wasn't Marilyn's statue.

It was another man's statue.

We put a wig on it
and turned it into Marilyn.

-Who's statue is it?
-Wael Gom'a.

You know she's the most beautiful lady
you've ever seen.

Don't talk to her like that.

Shut up before I put you next to her.

Get the box now before I melt you.

I'll turn you into packs
of celebratory candles.

No, baby, that method
wouldn't work on me.

The box is in this room,
in the safe in the closet.

The safe only opens by fingerprint,
so show me how will you open it.

Did it open or what?

Did you find it?

-Here, here it is.
-All right, Aladdin you're the best.

Give me the box.
I want to take the book out.

Hold on.

Here it is.

-Give it to me. Don't lose it.
-No, give it to me and don't make me mad.

Tut, put her hands back on.

And you come with me, jerk.

Let it dry for five minutes.

Shame on you, Tutti.
For letting them do what they did to me.

All of this just for that box?

I swear to you it's not mine.
It's my mom's.

If it was mine,
I would gladly give it to you.

If you're still mad at me,
give me your head to kiss it.

My ear!

You should've gone
to maintenance long ago.

Keep that with you now.

There's another glue stick inside.
I'll just get it and come back.

Give it to me. Do you have to do this
in front of the king?

Are you trying to trick me?
Where are the things we agreed on?

Here's your passport

and some money to work with, there.

What's wrong?

-What's wrong with you?
-Are you making fun of me, kid?

-Relax and tell me what's wrong.
-We tricked the whole world.

-How much is this?
-2,000 pounds.

2,000 pounds and I'm going to America.

-Yes.
-I want dollars, not Egyptian pounds.

You're right. I forgot about the currency.

Take this.
I don't know what to do with you.

If I don't keep my eyes on you,
you'll trick me.

There are many colors. Want some orange?

-Green!
-Green, okay.

Do I have to count them?

-That's straight from the bank.
-And here's the book.

Give it to Huwaida
and don't let her betray you.

Betray who? We teach betrayal to others.

You should run away from here
before that idiot comes back.

Okay.

I heard everything with my own ears.

Not this one.

Were you trying to trick me?

My mom isn't here.

And you, Saladin.

You're not Saladin!

We all trusted you like you're one of us.

And you, Aladdin.

Don't you know what Huwaida
would do to us if she gets the book?

It's impossible that you're a statue.

No, you must be a human to do that.

-You're a human.
-Tut, you misunderstood.

Shut up.

Yeah. Shut up, Aladdin.

Tut has a point there.

I may not be a statue like you
but after all the time I spent with you,

I feel like I'm really one of you.

Please, Aladdin. Please, Tut.

Know that you now have a human brother
with a wax stick inside of him.

-Are you serious, Khamees?
-Yes, Tut.

I now love wax so much
that on my next birthday,

I won't light any candles.

To me now, you're really Saladin.

And here's to America.
I'm going back to the museum.

-Group hug.
-Let's hug each other.

Bless you.

-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes.

-What do I ride to get to Disney?
-Where?

-Disney.
-Show me your passport.

Sure.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy new year to you, too.
Give me your passport.

-It's in your hands.
-Are you crazy, drunk or what?

Relax, man. Don't you know who I am?

-And who are you?
-I'm a personal friend of Ahmed Orabi.

-I can call him if you like.
-Ahmed Orabi? The Arab revolution leader?

Yes, do I have to say his name
in order for you to do your job well?

Go away with your greeting card
that you think you can use to travel.

Go away or I'll put you in jail.

A greeting card? Khamees! You bastard.

Seriously? Listen now, madam.
I now know the true price for the book.

This means, our agreement is off.
I want one million pounds.

Either that
or you'll never see the book again.

Yes.

Do you take me for a fool?

I'm in a place no one knows.
No one can find me.

Not you nor those before or after you--

What's next?

What you will do? Where you will go?

You saw how they dispersed

What's next?

What you will do? Where you will go?

You saw how they dispersed

Who you will chose?

What the hell! Run!

-Are you ready, Huwaida?
-Yes, ready.

I'm afraid of what we're going to do.
Are you sure about this?

Now you say you're worried?
Don't worry, you have Hitler with you.

The one that started the second world war
with a signal of his finger.

Yes, but you lost it. Which

is why I want to start
the third world war now!

Speak Arabic
so that they'd understand you.

Remove the sheets, people!

Go ahead, Huwadia.
Read the spell out loud.

"I'm the King Makhrouq.

I'm the underlying spirit in the holy egg.

I ruled the world with my golden body
and the head of a phoenix.

I fly in the atmosphere.
I turn snow into water.

And play with children in allies.

I'm the one holding the key
and my friend is the farmer

in fields of apple
and the savior of all souls.

I hereby order you

to wake up, villains of all history."

Oh, no.

I wonder if my Tut is thirsty
or has a dry throat.

What's happened to him?

What's in your hand?

I don't know. Ra'fat El Haggan
gave it to me and said I'll like a lot.

-You don't usually smoke.
-I thought I'd try it.

Tut!

-Tut!
-Tut!

-Tut!
-Tut!

Thank, God. Thank you.

Thank, God. You're back safely.

Why are you sad my son, Tut?
Your clothes are ruined and you're fat.

Where are Aladdin and Saladin?

They turned out to be rubbish.

I got humiliated.

I became a Shawarma boy.

What is Shawarma anyway, Muhammad?
What does this Shawarma thing do?

Speak slowly so that I can understand.

Slowly, you covered me with your spit.

Tut! What happened?

Aladdin and Saladin.

They took the book
and they'll give it to Huwaida.

Welcome to all of you.

The best evildoers in history.

First of all,
I'll introduce you to each other.

Hulago, leader of the Tatars army.

Richard, heart of the lion king
of England,

and leader of the crusaders' wars.

Napoleon Bonaparte,
leader of the French campaign.

And you?

-Raya and Sakina.
-Raya and Sakina.

-What did you do?
-We do everything together.

Everything, like, everything?

-And you?
-Abu Lahab, leader of Quraish's.

And the biggest disbeliever ever.

Ashhadu Allailaha Illa Allah
and Muhammad is his prophet.

-You followed the new religion?
-Yes, the one.

-Shut up!
-Enough!

I'll introduce myself to you.

I'm Adolf Hitler, the great Nazi leader.

And this is Huwaida.

The lady to whom I owe all the credit
of meeting all of you.

She kept carving each
and every statue of you for five years.

Until I ran out of energy.

-What are you making?
-Sandwiches.

-Aren't we going out?
-Yes, we are.

The moment we died,
history called us the worst names.

And that will happen again.

You know what? It's not their fault.

It's our fault because none of us
completed their mission until the end.

That's why we're all losers now.

But we'll win and rule the world.

Don't you think that ruling the world
is a very difficult thing to do?

Nothing is too difficult
for a disbeliever, Mr. Abu Lahab.

You again? Leave that brat to me.

We will tie his arms and legs,
and pull them out all at once.

Then we'll take his guts and present them
as a gift to the gods.

Relax and stop blabbering.
I want to ask you a question.

What is it?

Didn't you notice that all statues
have awakened but not your Gods, idiot?

-I wish you would die!
-I wish you would die twice!

-Abu Lahab!
-What?

We have a bigger
and more important job to do.

But before that.

I have an old revenge
I have to take care of.

Let's go.

-Hail Hitler.
-Hail Hitler.

Let's go.

-Aladdin.
-Ra'fat! What are you doing here?

You think I'll let you leave the museum
to leave the country?

Don't bother now, Ra'fat.
I'm not going back to the museum.

That place is for great people like you.
People who've made their mark in history.

Cartoon characters have no place there.
Isn't that what you people say?

Do you think great people would be great
if they escaped like you?

Go back, Aladdin.

Go back to your people.

Go back to the people to whom
you belong to. Go back to the museum.

Go back to Yasmina. That girl loves you.

-Yasmina?
-She sent me up here.

It's Micky.

-Yes, Micky.
-Yes, dear. Are you on the plane yet?

I'm not and I won't be, Micky.

-I'm not coming, Micky.
-What do you mean you're not coming?

After I prepared things for you here?
Are you trying to embarrass me?

Embarrass you?
When were you ever looking so good?

Micky, just because you went
to America and put a classy hat on

doesn't mean you're better.

Keep it real, Micky. At the end
of the day, you're just a mouse.

Are you talking shit about me?
If you were here, I would've smashed you.

Smash who now, Micky?
You were the museum's boxing sack!

Even Gandhi, the 90-year-old man, hit you.

Go away!

Thank you so much, Ra'fat.

What are you waiting for?
Go to the museum.

-Aren't you coming?
-I'm not.

-What?
-I still have a lot to do. Go now.

Go and don't waste any more time.

-Did you get rid of him?
-Yes.

If he saw us, we would've been busted.

-Where are you taking me?
-To a better place.

I'll let you live happily there.
I have a tourism company.

I'll call it Yasmina Tours.

-That's it now? We're leaving the museum?
-Yes, we're done now, Orabi.

Where are you going, sir?

To my aunt at the castle.

From now on, each will find his own path.

Let's keep in touch.

Wait!

If someone must leave the museum,
it should be me, not you people.

I'm leaving and won't return
unless I have the book with me.

I don't deny that I'm a ruined statue
and that I lost the book.

But don't hurt me more than this.

I'm a statue made of wax and glue,
but I have feelings just like you.

It's time for us to do something right.

Otherwise, people will always come,
look at us, and leave.

You think we'll believe
a scumbag like you?

Shut up!

Talk politely when you're talking
to your king.

And don't forget that I ruled Egypt
when I was just nine years old.

Won't I be able to rule
a museum like this?

I'm going out.

Alone.

What's wrong now, Tut?

-What's that sound, Tut?
-It's raining outside!

I'm going to get my jacket.
Stay here and don't move.

Spread!

Sayed!

Sayed!

Your wishes are my commands.
Where's the milkshake?

What milkshake? And what kind
of Samir Sabri inspired shirt is that?

Well, sir, aren't we in America?
Where's the Eiffel Tower?

There's no America.

We should return the book
just the way we lost it.

What book and nonsense is that?
What a pain in the neck!

Listen to me, Sayed.

First, I admit
that I mistreated you so much.

And I beg for your forgiveness.

And I'm asking you for the first
and last time to act like a true demon.

I promise you this is my final wish.

Enough with that.

I heard those words
a thousand times before.

Believe me, Sayed, I've changed.

I want to know where Khamees is.
The museum will be lost because of me.

So if I tell you where Khamees is,
you promise to let me go?

I promise, and I'll give you the lamp.
You can burn it and I won't care!

Where? Okay, go.

Khamees is in Huwaida's hangar
in Maryoutiya.

The first right turn after Andrea,
the liver sandwich maker.

The first right turn.

Thank you so much, Sayed.
I'll keep my end of the promise now.

Starting now, you're free.

I'll just ask you
to keep in touch with me.

Shame on you!

Those who forget their friends
are only bad people.

I also think so, get inside now dumbass.

-But you promised.
-Get in there!

Yeah.

I hope no one sees me doing this. I hope.

Khamees.

Khamees.

-What do you want? You stupid parrot.
-Khamees.

What's that? Wasn't that you?

-Khamees.
-Who's that?

-Who's that?
-Come to me to the closet.

Are you in this closet?

In the name of the Almighty Lord.

-Who are you, man?
-I'm Saladin Al-Ayubbi.

A servant of God and a servant of Arabs.

You hid the book from me for a long time.

But in the end,
it fell right into my hands.

May those hands be chopped into tranches.

-What did you say?
-I said good, good day.

Our dear friend, count your comrades
at the end of the song.

Not now, my revenge
shall end with you later.

After finishing my task,
I'll be ready for you.

Huwaida, come on my love.

-Raya.
-Yes.

Give me my reading glasses.

"I'm the King Makhrouq.

I'm the underlying spirit of the holy egg.

I'm the master of masters
and the prince of all princes.

I have my blessings
and the king of all moves.

I order you to disappear.
Oh, biggest pyramid!

So, Huwaida took your head
not to be fixed again?

Not just that, Khamees.

She took it to humiliate me
and show me that she does as she pleases.

I sacrificed my life for that book
and you came and just lost it.

I'll tell you what...
I won't take all the blame at the end.

I was forced into this whole situation.

Even the deal I should've got
was a big lie. I lost it all.

Do you even know about the book you sold?
What use does it actually have?

I don't really care.

You want to wake pharaohs with it.
You want to wake puppets.

Or even Boogie and Tamtam.

As long as it's away from me,
I don't care.

-Goodbye, Saladin.
-Wait there, Khamees.

Raise the volume of the TV.
Something important must be happening.

What could happen now? General.

General, are you still with us here?

The biggest pyramid was stolen.

We'll work night and day
to get the culprits as soon as possible.

I guarantee our dear tourists
that two pyramids are still here.

The medium and small size ones,
Khafre and Mencaure, weren't stolen yet.

They're tied from underneath.
Just a second.

Hello. Who?

Who stole the pyramid? Huwaida and Hitler?

-Are you making jokes now?
-Any news sir?

Those who stole the pyramid
are Huwaida and Hitler.

Because they're asking for power.

If they don't get what they want,
they'll take something bit by bit.

See? Here's how it relates to you.

You, your family, and the entire country.

Why? Because you're irresponsible,
cold, and inconsiderate.

What's that?
Are you sure you're Saladin, sir?

Because you're speaking good Arabic
and seem to know everything.

-You look like a true Egyptian.
-Mister, the time I spent in the castle

taught me things I didn't learn
through my entire life.

Where in the castle? Near the staircase?
Or from Umm Sameer, the beer woman?

The castle, Khamees.
I built the whole castle.

You're the one who did
the castle massacre?

The massacre was done
by Muhammad Ali Pasha.

The boxer?

You know what, Khamees?

For the first time,
I feel like I really need my body.

To get the book back?

No, to smash your face in,
you son of a fart!

Listen to me, Khamees.

I'll give you the advice I followed
back in the day to come out as a winner.

Would you like to die like a hero
or live like a worthless dog?

Is that even a question?

I'll live like a worthless dog, of course.

It's my fault for asking an idiot like you
a question like that.

Listen now, Khamees. I'll tell you
about it from your perspective.

Imagine that you completed this job,
it worked, and you got money.

And you got fame
and you hooked up with women.

Of course, you won't have time
for any more talk shows.

Each episode will pay you 10,000 pounds.

-Muna El Shathli, Lamees Hadeedi.
-Enough.

Stop it, don't tell me more.
I'm already convinced.

You have a hell of a brain, sir.

I'm nothing but a head, Khamees.

I hope no one sees me.

And those ones downstairs,
I hope no one talks about me.

My beloved Tut.

By the time you read this will,
I'll be either melted or broken.

As they say, the world is like a swing.
A day up and another day down.

When Huwaida comes, you can't stay still.
The museum is in your hands, Dear Tut.

-Time to fight, time to fight!
-As you wish, Mother.

Cat, duck, crocodile.

Which means, I should save the museum.

Sorry but you're quite heavy, sir.

Can I put you under my arm like a melon?

A melon, you jerk?

I can't stand your smell just like this
and you want to hold me under your arm?

The day that I'll be
out of here finally came.

Khamees!

Who's that again?

Aladdin!

When did you come back from America?

Khamees, Aladdin.

Calm down and come pick me up.

A human as stupid as you tricked me,
who tricked all the statues?

Give me the book before I rip you apart.

Huwaida has it.
She took it with a couple of bad statues.

-They all went to the museum.
-There are others, dirtball?

She made them and cast the spell on them.

She woke them up.
Hitler, Abu Lahab, Hulago, and Dracula.

That's what I was worried about.

It doesn't matter now.

We need to stop her.
She stole Egyptian treasure

and swore to rule the world.

H? You're saying that she has
all the pricks from history.

So if you and I go alone to the museum,
we'll be screwed.

We'll head to Sabtiya.
Get some thugs and go there.

-You'll fight Hitler with some thugs?
-Yes.

You can't. You need something
of the same size as him.

-Kid.
-Yeah?

Did you hear the spell
she woke statues with?

-Yeah, I've heard it.
-Say it.

I remember it quite vaguely though.

-I'm depressed.
-I said so from the start.

She's the one who said so.

-I'm the egg.
-I also said that.

Let me remember. Don't interrupt.

I'm depressed in a licked egg.

What's kind of Shakshouka recipe is that?

Stop interrupting, let me focus.

I remember, "I'm King Makhrouq..."

"I'm King Makhrouq.

I'm the underlying spirit in the holy egg.

I ruled the world with my golden body.

And the head of a phoenix.
I fly in the atmosphere."

-Get him and follow me.
-What about Saladin?

Saladin who?

Never mind that.

Go on you evil man, torture him.

I'll hit him and kill him at once.

No! One hit isn't enough.

Muhammad.

Listen to me, listen.

Do you have any matches? Matches?

-What's wrong?
-Mouse!

Don't be afraid.

-Where's that mouse?
-There's no mouse, no mouse!

No mouse!

Huwaida!

-I'm sorry.
-Never mind, little one. Come here.

Get up Alexander. You, down on your knees.

-Abu Lahab.
-Yes.

Do your thing and I'll go watch TV
to see what's happening in the country.

Evil man, I want you to torture him.
Now go on and torture him.

I'll slay him, torture him,
and hit him hard.

Hey, can you kill me already
because my knees hurt?

Egypt's being robbed bluntly on air
and live as well.

Egypt's threatened
in its national security

in the east, west, north, and south.

It's a crime to all of Egypt!

How will Israel benefit?

Is it okay for them to sit tight
and let them do what they do?

No, they're ruining Egypt!
They're ruining Egypt!

What? What's happening!

Relax, Captain Shubeir. I'll tell you.

-I was playing a football game.
-Damn all football games!

I'm telling you now
that it's not about the game.

-The whole things is-
-What?

Listen to me, don't bother me.

My ball went flying into the museum.
I went to get it and statues woke up.

What ball, what nonsense, what a mess!

Why? Why is our country getting robbed?

-I know, I hope I never followed the ball.
-Why?

-Why?
-Why?

-What do you mean by "Why?"
-Why?

Now you just sound crazy, man!
I regret calling you.

-I'm happy to hear you talk.
-I'm also happy, Mr. Khaled.

I want to reassure you that I have an idea
and if it works,

everything will be back to normal.

I know Mr. Aladdin, and I thank you
for your feelings.

And I believe your words are in the heart
of every young Egyptian individual.

Even girls, ladies, men, and children.

Egypt is more precious
than anyone, Mr. Aladdin.

Yes, Mr. Bundoq. Egypt's more precious
than anyone and bigger than anyone.

And speaking of which, will the league
be split in two groups or not next year?

Because things are getting boring.

For the second time in a row,
we're asking the general.

What's happening is too much. Too much.

-General!
-It's true that two lions disappeared.

Amongst four
that are on the Nile castle bridge.

But the two disappearing lions
aren't important.

The other two are more important.

Coming from Tahrir Square, you'll find
two hard looking lions awaiting you.

What's going on? Did you hide the lions
from behind my back?

No, it's not me.
You can also search me if you like.

-What more do they want?
-Where did they go?

Attack!

Everyone stay still
and put your guns down.

Get the book, Huwaida,
before I let these two lions eat you.

You think these cats will scare us?

"I'm King Makhrouq.

I'm the underlying soul in the holy egg.

I stand upon you
for eternity holding a sack.

I love Isis and live within Ramses.

I hereby order to obey me.

Lions of the Nile Castle."

-Let's go now.
-We wasted these people's time. Goodbye.

That's inappropriate, kids.
Don't you need someone to drop you off?

Lions...

Run!

Run!

-Did you see the one that just passed?
-Yes.

He's wearing exactly my style.

Protect the book!

Lock the doors.

The ones to leave this place
are the strongest.

Do as you wish.
I'm a bad boy too, you know.

Sayed!

Your wishes are my commands.
The lion could've eaten you alive.

You stay near the lion
while I see the statues outside.

Hold on one second.
Who will stay by the lion?

-You stay by the lion
-I want my mama.

Please don't leave me here.
Please, please, please.

-Then go inside!
-No!

Here's some popcorn.

Thank, God.

-Did you find a spell?
-Yes, I found a slimming spell.

Is this the time for that, you dummy?

Hulago!

Give me the book.

I said, give me the book.

You can't take this book
unless you kill me first.

Your neck doesn't concern me.

-Hulago!
-Wait!

Here you go.

Move, Sayed.

What are you doing, sir?

I want to prove to them
that I'm not a cartoon, Sayed.

I'll put my name in history
just like them.

Did you see who laughed at the end?

It was me. Hitler, he lost once.

But he never loses twice.

Goodbye.

Hitler!

-What will you do, Tut?
-I'll burn the book.

Our lives as statues are worthless now.

See you in heaven, Muhammad.
See you all in heaven.

I want you all to--

-It's all gone.
-Loser!

My brother.

Nile castle lions...

KHAMEES GETS READY TO PLAY A ROLE
IN WAX AND BODY FOR ENAS DIGHEIDI

KHAMEES KAKA STOPS A PLAN
TO RULE THE WORLD AND CAPTURES HUWAIDA

KHAMESS KAKA: MY PERSONAL LIFE IS RED LINE

A PARROT AWAKENS STATUES TONIGHT
THE OPENING NIGHT OF THE WAX MUSEUM

Thank you.

King of kings of Africa!
What a beautiful style!

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

-Tell me, how's everything today?
-It's very bad.

This Saqqa guy made a new movie
and stole our spotlight.

Don't mind him, I came to tell you
that we'll open at Marina.

Marina? It won't work there at all.
You have this Umm Kulthum character.

Boring as hell. Not a dime
comes from her concerts.

Why not let her go?
Fire her and get Abou El Leef.

Youngsters love Abou El Leef.

Okay, do whatever you want.
Let them make a wax statue of him.

No, we'll make a hair statue of him
because most of him is made of hair.

-Where's Aladdin?
-I sent Sayed this morning.

There he is.

-What happened, Sayed?
-Did you get Aladdin from maintenance?

-What's that?
-What?

What's that?

They told me that they ran out of wax
and this is a sample.

When we get some wax,
we'll make a bigger one.

Khamees, can you see what happened to me?

Don't leave me to Sayed.

He's revengeful and says that he wants
to put me in the lantern.

Calm down, Sayed and leave him to me.

That's not happening!
I waited so long for this moment.

And if you say a word,
I'll turn you into a midget like this one.

-You did this?
-No, I don't know how to do it.

But I got him.

Sayed, do me a favor.
When you use a tissue,

don't put it in the pocket I'm in
and throw it in the trash.

-Agreed, Sayed?
-Master Sayed!

You want to be my friend now?
I don't want to hear your voice!

What's wrong, man? Are you mad?

Your wishes are my commands.

I'll hang you upside down
after I torture you.

What about our memories?

Sorry, it's the age of the genie lords.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

What's this, Bob? This piece is small
and there's no weed in it at all.

No, it's clean and you won't find them
at this price outside the museum.

Use the back door because Orabi
set a trap at the gate.

No problem.

Do you want some weed?
Or would you like some steroids?

I have some Viagra.

Happy day, sir.
God bless you and your wife.

Stop begging and asking for money.

Stop there, sir.
Do you think it's easy to walk in?

-I don't need you to search me.
-Why not?

I'm Ibraheem Omran.
Do you want to go to jail or what?

-Me, in jail?
-Yes.

-You are Ibraheem Omran himself?
-Yes.

I'm sorry sir, just one second.

Open the gate and let the lion
of the Nile castle loose.

You sure want to see the museum.

-Yes, for sure.
-I'll supervise this tour myself.

We wanted a donkey for the lion
and then came Ibraheem Omran.

Come in, sir.
Welcome, you'll have so much fun.

-What do you think of the suit?
-Beautiful, it suits you so much.

I stole it from Einstein.

I searched for a black veil
but I couldn't find it.

Why didn't you tell me?
I just came back from City Stars.

City Stars? You go out
normally just like that?

Don't get me wrong. I was auditioning
for a historical film but I failed.

They chose Salah Abdullah.

For the first time,
I'm proud of you, Khamees.

You looked like a fully grown man
at the press conference.

But what's the secret behind
those beautiful words you said?

What's wrong, Father?
We're the hope of this country.

You just didn't know me well.

It's okay, Khamees.
I know I was really harsh on you.

But do you know what I wanted to do today?

I wanted to stand in front of everyone
and tell them that I'm your father.

-Do you know why?
-Why, Father?

Because you didn't say a word about me.
You thanked everyone else.

I'll deal with you at home.