Original subtitles

Greg.

What?

Greg! Huh?

What? What are you doing? Get up. Mom and Dad have been calling you for an

You're about to be late for your first day of middle school.

What?

Oh, jeez. How did that happen?

Go, go, go. Mom's about to flip out. She sent me to get you while she waits in

the car.

What are you doing?

What's going on?

Getting ready for... School.

Are you insane?

School doesn't start till next week.

And FYI, school doesn't start at 4 o 'clock in the morning. You woke up

And if he doesn't go back down... Good morning.

There is no way he is going back down.

I just wanted to sleep till sick.

Mommy! Go to bed. I got him. Greg, what are you doing up making all this noise?

It was Roderick. He woke me up. He changed my clock.

But I swear, he was just... Go to bed.

What is that smell?

I can't even identify it.

Okay, first of all, let me get something straight.

This is a journal, not a diary.

Yeah, I know what it says on the cover, but when my mom went out to buy this

thing, I specifically told her not to buy one that said diary on it. This just

proves mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.

The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because when I'm rich and

famous... I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions

all day long.

Gregory, tell us about your childhood.

Were you always so smart and handsome?

Here's my journey. Now, shoo, shoo.

That's our boy up there.

Why did I ever say no to him?

Mom got me this thing so I could write down my feelings about starting middle

school. But I'm going to be fine.

It's my best friend, Raleigh Jefferson, I'm worried about.

He's definitely not middle school ready.

He's not quite clear on the concept of growing up. I want a puppy, a kitty, a

gumbo machine.

But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley.

I always figured they'd make a movie about my life.

But I didn't think they dug the story here.

Because seriously, who wants to see a movie about a kid who's stuck in middle

school with a bunch of morons?

Three days, no shower, smell the love.

Let me go, Roderick.

Come on.

We're just having some fun, right?

Okay. So look, Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school.

It's real simple.

Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone. Don't go anywhere.

Don't sit down.

Don't raise your hand. Don't go to the bathroom. Don't get noticed.

Don't choose the wrong locker.

Don't.

Ah, who am I kidding?

He'll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year anyway.

And don't be seen with Rowley.

Jenny,

stop it! Mom!

Frank!

I think it's gross and undignified that I have to eat breakfast next to him.

On the potty. Okay, well, it's your fault he's still potty training.

Don't look down, Manny.

A potty monster doesn't like it when you look at him.

He's just choking with them.

Okay, kiss him you're sorry, and then let's get a move on.

Can't be late for your first day of school.

Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest

idea ever invented.

You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet, mixed in with

gorillas who have to shave twice a day.

There's juvenile delinquents and weirdos.

I'm smaller than about 95 % of the kids at my school, so thank God for Shirag

Gupta.

He's an excellent buffer between me and these morons.

Hey, Greg.

Hey.

It's mine, fella.

Seriously, I don't know what happened to these kids over the summer.

Was there a nuclear accident?

Science experiment gone bad?

Thank God there are a few normal people, or this place would be a total freak

show.

If you're as discriminating as I am, it can be tough to figure out where to sit

on your first day of middle school.

One bad move, and you're stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the year.

Greg!

Remember how I said Rowley wasn't middle school ready?

Well, there you go.

Hola, amigo.

¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

What are you wearing?

My family just got back... from Guatemala.

It's my syrupy.

Nice, huh?

All right, class. I'm Mrs. Flint.

Everybody take your seats.

Welcome to your first day of middle school.

Remember your seats. You'll be sitting here every day.

Rowley, if you have to say where you are ranked in terms of popularity from 1 to

200, where would you put yourself?

200 good or bad?

I'd say you're somewhere around the 154 mark.

I'd put myself around number 19 or 20.

I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year. If things go

the way I think they will.

Well, who's at the bottom?

Hey, guys.

Want to see my secret freckle?

Fragly. Sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.

Check it out. It's got a hair in it.

What color is that?

You want to help me name it?

All right, ladies.

Gather around.

Come on, put the knitting down. Let's go.

All right, everybody.

I'm Coach Malone, and I am your gym teacher.

P .E. is as much a part of my life as waking up in the morning.

And going to the bathroom, I live and breathe physical education.

Who's with me?

Are you ready to have some fun out there?

Yeah!

All right, outstanding.

So we're going to divide you up into two teams. So you two over here, you, you,

you, this way.

Yeah, you three, this side. Good. You guys are going to be shirt and you

will be skins.

Trying to make kids like us feel bad.

What do you mean kids like us?

I just don't want to get a number. Right, Rowley? My name is Val E. Button.

What's yours?

Okay, let's start off with a little game I like to call... Gladiator.

He was the winner.

We'll hide here for the rest of the class.

Because I'm not playing that game.

Not fair.

He's got all the Neanderthals on the same team.

It's barbaric. It's completely barbaric.

This place is an intellectual wasteland.

But, you know, it's nice to meet someone more interested in his mind than his

body.

Your girl's here to jump rope.

What are you doing hiding?

Avoiding the pain.

It all starts in middle school, you know.

You're not a kid anymore.

The coddling has stopped.

Kids are now separated by intelligence.

The weak are picked on.

Girls you've known since kindergarten won't even talk to anymore.

Okay, well, sounds like you got it all figured out. So, go back to your book.

This place is a glorified holding pen.

All the way! All the way!

You're like a machine! It's where adults put you as you make that...

Awkward transition between child and teenager, so they don't even have to

at you.

Hi.

I'm Angie.

Great story.

We're gonna go now.

Why? This is a good spot.

It's a perfect spot.

I survived all of the sixth grade here.

And I would enjoy some like -minded company to get me through the seventh.

Is that the whistle?

I think I hear the whistle.

We need to go.

Why are we leaving?

We could get killed out here in the open.

Put your shirt on.

They'll think we're on their team.

Besides, getting crushed is better than being seen with that great job.

Trust me, you can't recover from social suicide.

I never talked to a girl that long before.

Cheese touch.

The what?

The cheese touch.

Nobody knows when or how, but one day, that cheese mysteriously appeared on the

blacktop.

Nobody knew what belonged to him.

Nobody touched it.

Nobody threw it away.

And so there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. Then one day, a

kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life.

had the cheese touch.

It was worse than nuclear cooties.

He became an outcast.

The only way to get rid of the cheese touch was by passing it on to someone

else.

And so began the cheese touch friendly.

Friend turning on friend.

Brother turning on sister. It was madness.

Until a Germanic transducer named Dieter Müller took it away.

Dieter has the cheese touch.

The cheese touch? Dieter, it's not finished.

Why are you running?

I can't hide from that cheese touch.

Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation.

Thankfully, he moved back to Dusseldorf and took the cheese touch with him.

And so the Jesus sits, patiently waiting for its next victim.

Wow. This is a terrible place.

Four? None.

I'm not pooping until I'm in high school.

The cafeteria.

Possibly the cruelest place on Earth.

But I was about to make some kid's day by sitting next to him.

That seat's saved.

For who?

It's saved.

That one's saved, too.

Don't not have it. Uh -uh -uh.

Taken.

Where are we supposed to eat?

I guess this is where the cool guys hang out.

Fred Lee must have bumped his head when he was little.

Like, really hard.

Okay, okay.

So my first day could have gone better.

But at least I wasn't humiliated.

Hey, Greg!

You want to come over and play?

What did he just say to you?

Oh, well, I take my rides here.

Hey, guys. So this guy says to that guy, you want to come over...

And play?

Yeah. Do you guys want to play with us?

See, this is the problem.

Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons.

But in 20 years, Quentin here will be working for me. Greg, please don't fire

me. I really need my measly, pathetic job scooping your dog's poop.

Whatever. I'll think about it.

No, no, no. I know I'm the bottom and chocolate on the top.

I can't eat dip.

Play, Rowdy?

Play?

I've told you like a billion times that guys are ready to say hang out, not

play.

Oops.

Seriously, you're not going to listen to me. Just tell me, because if you pull

another stunt like that, we'll be stuck on the cafeteria floor for the rest of

middle school.

I found half a Snickers bar down there.

Can't be the guy who weeps off his lap in the cafeteria.

We should be at the top of the food chain by now.

Something's got to change.

Fast. My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me.

That would be good advice if you were somebody else.

Was your first day as crappy as I said it would be?

No, not at all.

You were wrong.

It was actually better.

You didn't listen to me, did you?

I told you not to talk, look, or go anywhere, and what happened?

He had to eat his lunch on the floor.

Really? Perfect.

And if nobody wants you sitting at their table, you think they want chummy

buttons over here?

I was right.

You're not even going to make it out of there alive.

The only chance you have making the yearbook is when they dedicate it to

memory.

So, want to play Twisted Wizard?

No.

I have a better idea.

If he catches you in here, he will kill you.

Literally kill you. Don't worry. As long as we have the music, we're okay.

Whoa.

I didn't know Roderick was into motorcycles.

I found it. Found what?

Roderick's middle school yearbook.

This thing has all the answers.

Probably. This thing is like a bible.

See this?

This is where a person like me needs to be.

Class favorites.

That's the best thing about class.

These people aren't nobody.

The famous?

They don't have to worry about getting a seat in the cafeteria either.

Check this out.

There's tons of things I qualify for.

Most likely to succeed, best looking, clack clown.

They should just give that to me right now.

Don't you have to be funny for that?

Hey, you could try for cutest friends.

What did I tell you would happen if you ever went in my room again?

But your band is still playing.

It's the bass solo, turd burglar. Don't you know anything about music?

I came up here to get a new drumstick.

And now, Greg, since Mom and Dad are gone, I'm going to kill you.

Literally kill you. I told you.

Beat it.

Okay, but I just want to say one thing.

Run, Greg, run!

Let's go, baby hippo!

Oh, you're going to have to come out sometime, loser. I'll wait here as long

it takes.

And then, you're done.

Time out, Roger. I have to pee.

No time outs.

Only death.

But I really have to go.

Don't care.

Come over. I'm dying.

What is

going on?

Greg started it. I just came in here to take a shower.

He's lying. He was going to kill me because I was in his room.

And so you peed on him?

Yes. I mean, no. I mean... Yes.

There's a lot to sign up for.

You could be class favorite in a bunch of things.

Jazz dancing.

We could do that one together.

I can't believe all these activities.

They're all so much work.

Staying after school, meeting before school, on weekends.

What kind of extracurricular activities are these? I'm going to wait.

Who let you into this school, Greg Hefley?

I'm still doing the same thing about you, Patty Farrell. You listen to me,

Hefley. I'm running for student council president, and I'm warning you. If you

get in my way, I will beat you up just like I did in kindergarten and fourth

grade.

Fourth grade?

That woman's ugly.

What's her problem?

What did I ever do to her?

Patty, Patty is a fatty, has a face just like a ratty.

Come on.

That was pretty funny.

He needs to get a sense of humor.

And I need something to make me a class favorite.

What about class favorites?

Don't you ever say hi or hello before you start talking?

Hi. Hello.

Oh, Greg's only here because he really wants to... I was just saying that I

would really like to nail these people because... It's so obvious that they're

only doing these activities they get in a yearbook. You know, I like your point

of view.

You should sign up for the school paper.

We're the voice of the people.

Well, the people amongst the idiots, so I guess technically speaking, we're the

voice of the people making fun of the people.

Thanks, but I can't be on the paper because I'm going to be in the paper a

So that would be a conflict of interest.

You're the people.

Got it.

Do you believe me now?

That girl looks crazy to me. Look, they're wrestling.

I did.

I'm great at wrestling.

I've watched it for years.

I know all the moves.

Tombstone power driver.

Tear shot.

Vader bomb.

Something is very wrong here.

These don't look like wrestling costumes to me. Welcome to wrestling, you future

Olympians.

So, just to make sure we all get off on the right foot and nobody gets seriously

injured, we're going to teach you a few basic moves. Remember, this is about

learning the sport and having fun, right? It's not a competition because

everyone here is already a superstar.

To me.

Coach Brewer, can you step over here for a moment, please? Give me a hand.

Thanks.

That was a speed takedown.

Nice job, Coach Brewer.

You get up and come behind me. Put one arm over my shoulder.

Yeah, you got it. Walk it up.

That was known as the arm drag.

Let's give Coach Brewer a hand, everybody.

Piledriver's invader bomb.

That is fake wrestling.

This is real wrestling.

Let's go!

If I have to wrestle Benny well, he'll kill me. Move! Come on!

Hey, keep things fair. I've divided you into weight categories by your size. So,

Rottweilers, over here.

Bulldogs, you stay right there.

And we got two... Chihuahuas.

Nice head here.

Thanks. My mom let me borrow it.

All right, see what you got.

Don't worry, Fred Lee. I'll take it easy on you.

Hey,

I wasn't ready.

Nobody's keeping score, but that was a sweet speed takedown, Fred Lee!

in school nobody's ever gonna let me sit at their table how are you going to

beat him like he had superhuman strength i'm not gonna beat him i'm gonna gain

10 pounds this week so i can move up to the bulldog weight class and then you

and i can wrestle each other ready can i throw at you now later you're better at

riding than i am and i'm a better thrower

Greg, save some for everybody else, honey.

Can't. I need to bulk up.

Why?

I think your body looks beautiful just the way it is.

I heard he got his butt kicked at wrestling.

What is wrong with you? Why would you sign up for something you don't have to

do?

You signed up for wrestling?

Kind of.

You never sign up for anything at school. You fly below the radar.

That way, you never raise anyone's expectations.

Thank you.

Roderick, for those words of motivational wisdom, but perhaps a

look at it is that it's a chance to learn to excel at something.

What could I learn at school that I can't teach myself?

Well, Greg, I think it's great that you took the initiative to learn something

new. This is like the first step to responsibility.

My boss's son, Will, was smaller than you, but he built himself up with the

weights. Yeah, we could get you the same equipment. You could train.

Get the right nutrition, cardio, you'd be in tip -top shape just like Will.

And it would only take like three months.

Three months?

you put it, Hefley, but you gained 10 pounds and joined the Bulldog class.

I thought you didn't gain

any weight this time.

My mom's lingoids.

All right, Bulldog Hefley.

Meet your new opponent.

What? But this is boys' wrestling.

Ever hear of Title IX?

Her parents threatened to sue, so you show her what it's like to wrestle a

live boy.

Come on. You're waiting for it, huh?

Don't bet you would, Kathleen.

Make your move!

She's a girl. What do I grab?

And if I would have pinned her, which I could have done easily, you know I would

have gotten in trouble for hurting a girl.

Why does she even want to wrestle?

Who knows?

Girls are very confusing.

Like today, I heard someone in the hallway say that Bryce Anderson has a

butt. What does that even mean?

A butt can't be cute.

It's a butt.

I know, but that's what they were saying.

I don't see why girls our age can't talk just like regular people.

favorite now.

Two words.

Backdraft. How are you going to do that?

Fashion is easy.

You wear a shirt and a tie and kids are impressed.

I'm telling you, this is gonna work.

to be matchers.

You

know,

maybe logic was right about now.

Maybe I do need a new best friend.

But I can't just ditch him.

I mean, if anybody has a better idea, I'd love to hear it.

In this school, much like your own.

One boy is about to learn an important lesson about self -worth and esteem. Oh,

gag me with a spoon.

That guy is so unpopular.

I'd hate to be him. Ew.

Why doesn't anybody like me?

Maybe because they don't know how awesome you really are.

Brock Brannigan, P .I.! What are you doing here?

I'm here to solve the case of the boy who just needed to be himself.

So go for it. Show them how awesome you really are.

Hey, guys.

Do you like breakdancing?

That is totally rad.

Wicked. You should sit with us at lunch, friend.

It really is awesome to be me.

Thanks, Brock.

Okay, let's talk about what we've learned.

I don't know about anyone else, but I know what I learned.

It is awesome to be me.

The problem with Rowley is that he's not enough like me.

I can't ditch him because...

He'd be locked without me.

But maybe I can pick them.

That's the kind of friend I am.

What are you doing?

Making her close more middle school friendly.

Look at this duck.

Too babyish and weird.

Too... Why don't you just punch me now?

What are you, a foreign exchange student?

Oh, man.

This one, we burn.

It was a present from my mom.

Well, then your mom is trying to get you killed.

Ready, steady, go.

No, no, no. You look like one of the Seven Dwarfs.

You only need one strap.

One strap is cool.

But there's two straps.

Why would they put on two straps if you're only supposed to use one? Because

guys who make backpacks aren't cool.

If they were cool, they'd give it one strap like the cool one strap guys do.

You know what is one trap?

Machine guns.

You know what else?

Electric guitars.

You know what else?

Purses?

But Josh, he's cool.

Rowley, Josh, he's not cool.

He's a lip -syncing pop star whose fans are eight -year -old girls.

You're just jealous that I was the one who discovered him.

Who are you going to listen to, Rowley? Me or Josh?

Josh, he says, respect your parents and follow your dreams.

And Josh, he must get beaten up a lot.

You actually almost look as good as me.

Am I great at this or what?

There's Bryce Hamlin.

Just be cool.

Hey, Bryce.

Yeah, hey, Bryce.

Cute butt.

You're killing me, you know that?

Look, Rowley, tonight's Halloween.

Our favorite night of the year, so just promise me you won't wear, do, or say

anything weird.

You're kidding me, right?

Mom wanted me to be visible at night.

From space?

So, we'll hit a few houses on the way to the north side, which is where we'll do

most of our trick -or -treating.

Why are we going all the way over there?

It's where the rich people live.

They hand out like two, three pieces of big candy to each kid.

Not that candy corn crap.

Talking about full -size Milky Ways and Nutter Butters.

Plus, if we time it right, rich people get tired of answering their doors and

just leave the bowl out.

We can clean up.

Wow, you're lucky.

My mom doesn't let me play with makeup anymore.

It's not cool.

Loaded diapers get a gig tonight.

Going to the north side, huh?

Takes you right past the Devil Worshipper Woods.

Devil Worshipper Woods?

You know about that story, right?

Well, there used to be this house right here where these woods are.

They had to tear it down because what happened there was so terrible.

What happened in there?

Well, a long time ago, two kids were, I don't know, maybe in middle school.

Trick -or -treating the house on Halloween night.

But the house was full of devil worshipers.

They put the kids in these giant pizza ovens. And they cooked them and they

ate them.

But they forgot to turn off the ovens. So the house burned down with everyone

it.

How'd the trees get there?

And then they planted trees.

Oh.

And to this day, on Halloween night, you can still hear the demonic

laughter of the devil worshiper ghosts as they roam the woods looking for more

kids. Hey,

Broderick, I need you to help me out.

Are you wearing eyeliner?

Susan!

I'm on door duty.

Can you tell him to stop calling me that?

What if somebody hears?

Then they'll know how much he loves you.

Oh, Frank, Frank. Honey, honey, can you go with them?

No, I can't. I gotta guard the house.

In case someone tries a TPS, they're gonna get drenched from the roof.

Oh, honey, for goodness sakes, don't do that again.

Remember what happened last year?

Gotcha!

Oh, sorry.

I thought they were teenagers.

And I couldn't see through the bushes.

My legs, they hurt from the squatting. So that's why I'm doing it from the roof

this year.

So I can see when they're coming.

Can we go now?

Yes, go.

But stay in the neighborhood.

Trick or treat!

And no north side.

We promise!

I've never heard the rest of the night. That guy gave me two full -size

Snickers. Did I tell you or did I tell you?

These people have money to burn.

This is like the best day ever.

Hey, reflector dude, I've caught you.

Thanks, my mommy did.

Oh boy.

Oh, I got you now.

Come on, you baby.

I'm going to kick your butt.

Yeah, you want army.

Whatever.

You guys are so lucky you can hide in there behind your mommy.

You need to call your mom to come get him. One will kill me if she knows we're

here. One will too.

She thinks you're a bad influence.

She's right.

We're gonna have to fuck that.

You have any threes?

Danger! Danger!

Galloping!

Miss Becca, I don't want to hurt anybody.

You just want to walk away and forget this ever happened.

Nobody needs to be a hero.

I'm going to rip off your arm and punch you in the face with your own fist!

You're gaining!

This way!

The devil worshipper would?

No way!

Hey! Stay right there!

We're going to get you!

We're going into the woods.

No. No way I go into Devil Worship Wood.

This isn't over!

I'm really scared.

Just keep running.

Did you hear that?

It's the Devil Worshippers.

say yeah and we made it with still a ton of candy sorry

i thought you were teenagers

Exhibiting symptoms of pink eye should contact the nurse immediately.

In field trip news, consent forms are going out today for our annual history

plumbing excursion.

Are they talking about me?

Some positions have opened up for the safety patrol.

If anyone is interested, see Mr.

Winsky after homeroom. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Safety patrol.

The cops in middle school.

To boss people around.

Report the jerk.

And slap three times a week.

Safety patrol is a sacred trust. When you put on this vest... And that badge,

you become a protector of the weak. You become an enforcer of the laws of this

school. Because today's litterer and jaywalker is tomorrow's window breaker

graffiti vandal. And it's our job to stop it. So I ask you, are you up for

job?

Yes.

Then welcome to Safety Patrol.

Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility.

Now, you get your first assignment just after lunch, so you'll be excused from

the first 20 minutes of sixth period. But that means we'll miss algebra. Ouch!

Do we get free stuff?

Free hot cocoa.

Could this day get any better?

Whoa, is that cocoa?

Sorry, safety patrol only. Sorry.

You rejected the school paper, but you joined the safety patrol?

Look, are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder? What?

Look, safety patrol is the lowest of the low.

The geekiest of the geeky, the island of misfit toys.

You're just jealous they don't trust you to keep our school safe.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to secure the perimeter.

I'm hungry.

Keep it straight, people.

Single file line, one by one.

It's those guys from Halloween.

What do we do?

Come on, man. Pull my vigor. I swear to God I'm not going to do anything.

Whoa,

whoa.

That was cool. Close.

Too close.

It's times like these that make me realize.

Rowley's pretty lucky to have me as a friend.

And I got Twisted Wizard 2.

And a new bike.

Oh, and we're going to take a family trip to New York City for New Year's

What did you get?

My dad got me a weightlifting set.

Do you know how many video games I could have gotten instead?

I had to get out of there before he expected me to, like, use it.

Anyway, let's play some Twisted Wizard 2 at your house.

Probably not a good idea.

My dad's still annoyed at you.

For what?

Remember that secret language we made up last week?

Your pot, dad pot, Mel's pot, my pot, a woman pot.

I think he cracked our code.

We should probably do something outside.

Why can't you ride and I throw at you first?

My legs kind of hurt from walking over here.

You sure the doctor was right? It really didn't look that broken to me.

Yeah, it's broken.

The X -ray never lies.

Oh, my gosh. What happened?

I broke it. How?

Big wheel accident.

You're funny.

Can I find your cast?

Me too.

Why, sure.

Hey, I'm the one who broke his hand.

Then you're a jerk.

Bradley was eating at an actual table because of something I did.

Where's my credit?

And he's right -handed. He can feed himself just fine.

So, how's that class favorite thing working out for you?

Was a pretty good racket.

Hey, guys.

Check it out.

Oh, my gosh. What happened?

It's a raging infection caused by a splinter that was left untreated.

Want to be the first to sign my sympathy sheet?

Uh, no.

I'll sign it, Greg Hefley.

If you let me look at your infection.

And on the x -ray, you could see where the bone just snapped right in half.

I had the exact same break last year, and it got all purple.

Cool! Mine, too! Hey, Gregory, want to sign the card?

You got Rowley a card?

What? No.

It's for Brian Little. You know, the guy who writes the wacky dog cartoons for

the school of paper?

He is mono, and he's going to be out for three months.

Oh, that really stinks.

So, just out of curiosity...

Who's going to do the cartoon?

They're having trials.

But the important thing is, Brian gets better.

Absolutely.

Brian Little getting mono was destiny.

I draw cartoons all the time.

I'm going to win.

I decided to go ahead and forgive Raleigh for milking the broken hand so

And I told him he could work on the cartoon with me.

So I was thinking we could do something like this.

Oops, I stepped in a puddle. At least it's not an acid puddle.

Oi, oi, oi, it is an acid puddle.

Zooey Mama.

Zooey Mama.

It's the same joke every time.

Yeah. Zooey Mama.

We can't just do the same thing over and over.

We can't if it's Zooey Mama.

It has to be a little more sophisticated.

I wonder what is in this cute little box.

It's not a box. It's a brick, you dumb moron.

Oops. I've been trying to open it all day.

Can you say Zooey Mama?

No, it's not funny.

Well, I think it is. I like Zooey Mama.

You know what?

If you like it so much, then why don't you go do it yourself?

Okay.

I will.

See ya.

Hey, I forgot my raincoat, so I'm gonna need you to walk the kids home today.

I can't.

I can't get my cast wet.

You can borrow my coat.

Where's Riley?

He couldn't get his cast wet.

He wants us better.

assure us that Mrs. Chesnick is no longer contagious.

The Cafeteria Nachos bar will be closed for the remainder of the week.

And now, what you've all been waiting for. The faculty, student council, and

editors have all met and selected the new cartoonist for the school paper.

And the winner is... Zooey Mama by Rowley Jefferson.

Am I the only one who gets comedy?

Rowley, will you put me in your cartoon?

Sure.

Oh, me too. I want to be the one who says to be Mama.

You got it.

Hey, Rowley, congratulations.

Thanks. No problem. You know, I read all the submissions, and yours was by far

the best.

I read yours, too.

Hey, Rowley.

Hey, Bryce.

Rowley Jefferson, I need to see you in my office.

Now.

I just took a call from a Mrs. Irvine about what happened to the

last week.

She was very upset.

And so am I.

What? You violated the sacred trust.

See?

This badge is supposed to mean something, and you just spat on it.

I can barely even look at you.

I really don't... David, you are officially suspended from safety patrol,

expect a full apology to the kindergartners.

Yes, sir.

Hey, what did he have to say?

I'm kicked off.

I don't even know what he's talking about.

You've been home for an hour and haven't badgered me for any snacks.

Are you feeling okay?

Well, I'm kind of in a tough situation.

I know something, and if I tell the truth about it, it could hurt somebody.

But if I don't, it could hurt somebody else.

Well, you have to trust your gut and try to do the right thing.

Because it's our choices.

That make us who we are.

I was up all night talking to Tony and thinking about my mom's advice.

And I finally decided to do the right thing.

I'm sorry I terrorized you children.

I decided to let Raleigh take one for the team.

But I'm not entirely sure that was the right call.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, I was pretty upset about being suspended from safety patrol.

But then I just started drawing a bunch of zooey mamas and I felt better.

Look, I put you in this week's cartoon.

And you didn't even get to say zooey mama.

It's really... nice.

So, listen, it's kind of funny, you know, the whole safety patrol thing.

Yeah?

Ready for the funny part?

Well, I'm the one who terrorized those kids.

What? Yeah, and I think we can both learn some valuable lessons from this.

Like... I should be more careful what I do in front of Mrs. Irvine's house.

And you, well, you should be more careful who you lend your coat to.

You know what, Greg?

You're not a good friend.

Oh, how could you even say that?

I'm a great friend. If you were a great friend, you would have told Mr. Winsky

the truth. Okay, one thing.

You can't get mad about... You only care about yourself.

You hated my cartoon.

You made fun of my clothes. You disrespected Joshy. You broke my hand

didn't even seem sorry.

That broken hand was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Don't call me.

Don't come by my house.

We're done.

I thought the whole thing would blow over, but Rowley was still giving me the

silent treatment, even when I tried to make the first move.

One of the kindergartners finally told their

parents the whole story.

Greg, you're relieved of your safety patrol duties effective immediately.

Rowley?

For showing dignity under false suspicion, I am promoting you to team

Now, that's a position that I held for two years.

I know you'll honor it.

to be my friend.

We're supposed to get along.

Hey, you're supposed to be my friend.

That's right.

Hey, Rowley, my mom sent a little kid for me to sleep over tonight.

Awesome! The whole thing with Rowley is I was willing to let bygones be bygones.

But then he made fun of Colin just to mess with me. As if I even care if he...

Well, you know what?

You can play that game.

There's no going back, Sergeant.

I need you aboard the helicopter.

Do you have my back?

I will always have your back, Captain.

Yeah, maybe I'll meet up with some friends.

Yeah, maybe I'll meet up with some dogs.

But you're supposed to be... You're supposed to be, supposed to be my

You're supposed...

Hey, Greg Hefley.

So, I was thinking maybe you might want to have a sleepover?

Yeah. With who?

Me.

Yeah, when?

Now.

Greg Hefley, I love you. We're going to be best friends forever.

Want to have a tickle fight?

Get inside.

I can't believe it.

Grand Kathleen's in my room.

Grand Kathleen's in my room, Rebecca.

What do you want to do, Grand Kathleen?

How about Twister? I'm not really that much of a Twister guy.

Candy! Wait, no, no, no. Frankly, come on.

Really, I really think we should save those for later.

Maybe we should go outside and... My mom doesn't let me have triggers. She says

I go to my dad and he says I brag.

But it's so good.

Oh, Greg Headley. You want to jump, buddy, jump? Oh, yeah. You know what,

Lee? I just remembered I have an appointment.

A really important appointment.

It's a homework appointment. Yeah, and I really should be going.

Get away from me.

Are you breathing, Greg F. Lee?

Gregory, I'm very sorry I chased you with a booker on my finger.

Here, I put it on this paper so you can get me back.

Okay, enough.

I'll show Rowley I don't need him.

When he sees me in the yearbook as most talented, he's going to come running

back.

Okay, since there are so many of you here auditioning, to save time, we're

to do a group sing of one of my favorite songs.

Please refer to the lyrics on this handout.

I will pick out the best voices and place you accordingly.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

is the prono voice you have. I'm stunned.

Maybe you should be Dorothy.

No, no, I can't. No!

Greg Hefley was suspended from the school safety patrol.

How can you trust him, who has the lead role in the play?

He can't be Dorothy. I'm Dorothy.

All right, Patty, calm down. I'm Dorothy. I am.

My mother is the president of the PTA.

She can ruin your life.

Just an idea.

All right, well, Greg, your voice is too high for any of the other male roles.

Perhaps you can be a tree.

A tree?

No way.

The trees get to throw apples at Batty Feta.

Haven't you seen the movie?

We don't get armholes?

How are we going to throw apples at Dorothy without armholes? You don't need

armholes because nobody's throwing any apples. We're not doing the movie.

In my version, the trees sing.

Thanks.

some arm holes.

You think?

Yeah, sure.

It's not wrestling, but... But at least it's something.

Hey Bobby, I think you dropped an apple, huh?

Don't make me come over there and beat you up!

I thought Dorothy deserved it.

Thanks, Dad.

You got some good shots in there.

Look what I found in the trash.

Guess you threw it away by accident.

Give it back, Roderick!

No way!

You want it? Come and get it, then.

Come on. Give it!

Come on!

Use your muscular legs.

Okay, okay, boys!

It's for you.

It's an invitation for the mother and son's sweetheart, Dan.

I knew you didn't want to miss that.

It looks like a lot of fun.

I think you should go. I think it'd be a lot of fun.

Fun? That's the exact opposite of fun.

This entire year has been terrible and nobody even cares.

My family, my best friend.

I'm sick of it.

Somebody needs to pay.

Okay, Manny, I'm putting this Tootsie Roll in Roderick's backpack.

It's for Roderick. So whatever you do, don't touch the Tootsie Roll.

Greg,

coaster.

Manny?

Oh, my.

That's offensive.

Roderick!

Roderick! I need to talk to you inside, now.

Go ahead and talk. We're a band.

We have no secrets.

Okay, fine.

What is this?

Mine. It was in your backpack.

No, it was in my room.

Does owning this magazine make you a better person?

No. Did it make you more popular at school? Yes.

No. How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine?

Ashamed. Nice.

Do you have anything you want to say?

To women for having owned this offensive magazine.

I'm sorry, women.

You're grounded for two weeks.

Okay, settle down, Susan. I think one week is plenty.

Make it four weeks, and I'm going to need the keys to your van.

My van?

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello?

Look at this place.

Want to dance?

Mom, stop dancing. You're embarrassing me. Come on. I'm just keeping time to

music. I'm begging you, please stop.

Okay, okay.

Well,

if we're not here to dance, maybe you should go talk to Rowley.

I think it's time you two made up.

I can't.

Sweetheart.

He's your best friend.

And sometimes, when somebody's worth it, you just have to put yourself out

there.

I wouldn't know what to say.

Well, I could go for an ice cream after the meal.

Maybe you could invite him to join us.

Yeah.

Hey, Rowley.

Hey.

So, you want to go get some ice cream after?

I'm sorry.

We already have plans.

Yeah, we do.

Oh, fine.

My mom wanted me to ask, so I did.

I didn't even want to go.

it's

To be kidding you.

I left my racing game at your house and Colin's sleeping over tonight.

So I need it back.

What?

No way.

Finders keepers.

You didn't find it. I left it.

Fine, then.

Leavers losers.

That's not even a real thing.

It is if I say it is. It's my game.

You know what?

You wouldn't even have that game if I hadn't told you about it.

That was a million years ago.

It clicks now.

Oh, you're so freaking dead.

Oh, you guys better scram or I'm gonna kick your butts too.

You guys have no

idea what I'm gonna do to you. Oh, um... What are we

gonna do?

I don't know. We need to move this law on my shift at Cinnabon. Starts in half

an hour.

I know what we're going to do.

Give me the wide one.

Let's go.

Pick it up.

What? Pick it up.

Now you won't.

No. or I'll shove the entire thing down your throat.

I don't even want to say exactly what happened because if Rowley ever tries to

run for president and someone finds out what these guys made him do, he won't

have a chance.

Now you.

I'm gonna look at the diary.

I'll die, and then you'll go to jail.

Hey!

What are you doing on school property?

Go, go, go!

Shotguns! Pete Hosey, is that you?

Boys okay?

Yeah?

Shake the cheese.

Yeah.

I ate it.

You know what, people?

I just did you all a huge favor.

I ate the cheese to show you all how stupid this whole school is.

The wrong friend.

The wrong lunch table.

The wrong butt.

It's all meaningless.

Just like this cheese.

I know it.

You all know it.

So, come on.

Everyone else who's sick of it, step forward and join me.

Not bad, Huffley.

Not bad at all.

So, you want to come over after school and play?

Okay.

Here's your yearbook. Have a great summer.

Here's your yearbook. Have a great summer.

Here's your yearbook. Have a great summer.

Here's your yearbook.

In it that much.

Maybe try to get out there a little next year.

You know what, Patty?

One day middle school will end and become high school.

And after that, it just becomes life. And all those things you think are

important now won't be anymore.

You wish.

Ew, as if.

Handing it to you is like touching you.

And I am way too smart to touch somebody who makes shoes.

Rowley! Oh, have a great summer.

Stay cool.

Yep, you're way too smart for me, Patty Farrell.

So, the year turned out pretty good.

My goal was to be a class favorite, and I made it.

Even if it wasn't exactly the way I planned.

Zoo!