All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S05E02.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_track3_[eng]

It's always on me to upgrade
this dusty-ass school.

So I hooked up our
old speaker system to Bluetooth,

and now I can make announcements
from my phone from anywhere.

In fact,
I'll make one right now.

Attention --

I have an important update
regarding our school.

My teeth are getting whiter.

Ooh,
I should tell him about

the bin Laden documentary
I just watched.

[ Air horn blares ]
-LeBron James. LeBron James.
-6-7

-LeBron James. LeBron James.
-6-7

What is happening?

LeBron James. LeBron James.
[ Airhorn blares ]

The kids are hopping on
your Bluetooth.

You didn't
password-protect it?

Thanks for your hindsight,
Melissa.

Mr. Johnson: Welcome to the
"Keepin' It Trashy" podcast.

Topic one, they're selling
your trash to Malaysia.

That's what I sound like?
Oh, my God.

[ Los Del Río's "Macarena
(Bayside Boys Remix)" plays ]

♪ Ay ♪

♪ When I dance
they call me Macarena ♪

♪ And the boys they say
que estoy buena ♪
I love this song.

♪ They all want me,
they can't have me ♪

♪ So they all come
and dance beside me ♪

I'll just get it
password-protected,

and I'll shut this off.

Hold on, now.
Yeah, no,
it's okay.

It's a vibe.
[ Chuckles ]

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría,
Macarena ♪
Here we go.

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa'
darle alegría y cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría,
Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

♪ Ay ♪

Barbara:
Alright, Jacob.

[ Chuckles ]

Look at me, bringing joy
to this school once again.

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría,
Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

♪ Ay ♪

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

♪♪

Please send the first student in
when he gets here.

Hello.

Barbara:
It is such a blessing

to have our new counselor here.
to help the children,

and she's doing
an outstanding job.

She's also quite tall.

My name is Illena Alomar.

I'm the new counselor here.

Abbott is the newest school
in my rotation,

so now I'm responsible for
the well-being of 20 schools,

which means
I need to get out of here.

Thanks.

Such a wonderful addition
to Abbott.
She really is.

And I have to thank myself
for bringing her here.

Mostly because I
haven't been thanked.

By anyone.

For anything.

Ever.

She's whatever.

She's always
so professional

with how everything
needs to be done.

I don't need
any more rules.

And what rules
do you follow now?

Well, first of all,
I follow the rule of threes.
Mm-hmm.

Second of all,
I'm here most days, aren't I?

Mr. Johnson:
I got a rule for y'all.

You need to wait two hours
between washes

before you run that dishwasher
in the lounge, or else.

Or else what,
Mr. Johnson?

Or else you'll be washing
your dishes in brown water.

And not the good kind.

The good kind?

Uh, why do bad water
got to be brown, Jacob?

Yeah, Jacob, why?

Good morning.

Ah, welcome, Nick.

Come on in.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Don't be rude.

Say good morning to Neen.

Good morning, Neen.

Aww, good morning.
[ Chuckles ]

He can't call me Neen,
though.

Oh.
Yeah.

That's my bad, big dog.

I'll, uh, make sure
he says Miss Neen next time.

Yes, Tariq's girlfriend's son,
Nick, is in my class this year.

Truth is, Tariq's
been surprisingly involved.

He's killing it as head
of the PTA.

Very invested in Nick.

They said it couldn't be done.

I was they.

You know, Tariq,
I have got to hand it to you.

You have taken on a lot
of responsibilities,

so proud of you.
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah. It's pretty, uh --
Hey, hey.

Greg.
Hey.

What's up, bud?
Ah.

Hey.
What's up?

Hey, uh,
I just wanted to let you know

you don't got to worry about
nothing going on

with me and old girl
right here, okay?

It would be inappropriate
to date a coworker, so...

Oh, mm,
you don't work here.

You famously
don't work anywhere.

Did I miss the show?
[ Chuckles ]

This Janine-Tariq-Gregory
love triangle

about to get messy.

I'm going back
to my classroom.

Yeah,
I'mma head on.

What are you doing here?

Being entertained,
I hope.

I put Tariq's kid in your class
for the drama.

I have the only
second-grade class,

and there isn't gonna be
any drama.

There better be.

Now that I'm in
this monogamous relationship,

I'm bored as hell.

Tariq: Alright, son,
have a good day.

And remember...

Forgot
what I was gonna say.

I'mma just freestyle.

♪ Nick, that's my son ♪

♪ Y'all know
that he the one ♪
Hey.

♪ You better not
say "two" ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
who is you? ♪

♪ I'm dressed
in all designer ♪

♪ I ain't show up
in no suit ♪

♪ I'm smoking on exotic ♪

♪ You smell like
somebody pooted ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry.
Uh, my bad.

I'm -- I'mma just go.

You miss it, don't you?

Ms. Schemmenti?

Yeah?

Can I go
to the [bleep] bathroom?

Oh.

Of course you can.

Jacob and Morton tried
to scare me

that teaching middle school
was gonna be a nightmare,

but here's the thing.

You just got to meet
the older kids where they're at.

And one of the ways
I do that

is I let them have
one curse word a day,

and they [bleep] love it.

Okay, so I got some good news
and some bad news.

Good news is, all youse aced
your assessment test.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep.

Hold up.
What's the bad news?

The bad news is,

we were gonna go over
the answers,

but now...

you get 10 minutes
to play on your phone.

I hope that's chill.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh [bleep] yeah!

You know, Jacob,
I don't know why

you have such a hard time
with the older kids.

You know, you just got to
treat them with respect.

So you can suck it.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm happy for you.

Yeah, well, eat it, because
not only do they love me,

but they also aced the test
I just gave them.

Really?
That's impressive.

You got some of my less-focused
goofballs in that class.

Yeah, you can sit on it,
Gregory, because some of us --

and by some,
I mean me --

know what we're doing
around here,

so kiss my grits.

[ Gasps ]

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, Barbara? Barb?

Why --
Why are you doing that?

Doing what?

Well, you just ran
the dishwasher

with three cups,
two spoons,

and nary a plate
to be found.

It's a huge waste
of water.

And you know we can't start it
for two hours.

Jacob I have been waiting
for it to fill up

so my mug will be clean,

and I have pushed it
as late as I can.

Well, if you just want
a particular mug,

can't you use the sponge
in the sink?

Excuse me?

That mug is the mug
that Gerald gave me

in honor of being
a soon-to-be Glamma,

and this manicure
is a work of art,

not a cleaning tool.

[ Scoffs ]

Did you see that?

Whatever happened
to community?

Shared spaces can be tricky.

That is a great point.

Uh, may I?

I think it is time
Barbara learned the power

of a publicly posted
Post-it note.

There we go.

Thank you for reminding me
of the power of the pen.

I didn't say anything.

You heard me not say anything,
right?

So glad Ms. Schemmenti's
teaching math this year.

I wish I could steal
the answer sheets

for all my classes.

If you started getting
straight "A's,"

we'd definitely
get caught.

Yo, keep it down.
Mr. Eddie's right over there.

He can't hear nothing
with that big-ass hat on.

Cam Newton-looking ass.

Your students are cheating,

and they had unkind words
for my gardening hat.

What are you talking about?
The hat with the wide brim.

The one that Janine got me.

They hate it,
and it was hurtful.

I feel like
it frames my --
Okay, about the kids
cheating on the test,

you gagootz.

How would that
even happen?

Oh,
they found the answer key,

took a photo,
and sent it to the whole class.

No, I left the answer key
in my desk.

They...

I got to lock
my drawers now?

What is this,
my family staying with me?

Yeah, you don't really
have to think about

that kind of thing
with the littles.

Yeah, you just leave
answer keys out,

wear a stupid hat,
and no one says nothing.

Okay, no one said
it was stupid.

This will not stand.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.
Yeah.

What are you --
What are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm gonna get them.
Don't you worry.

Well, based on everything
I know about you,

I'm actually very worried.

You the new janitor?

No.

Work hard,
play your cards right,

maybe someday.

[ Door opens ]
Mr. Johnson.

"To all, only run when full.
Jacob."

Well, who's this for?

Could be Melissa.

Uh, probably Janine.

It's for you, lady.
You...

You know, that Jacob
is becoming aggressively

more passive
with every year.

I mean, this is ridiculous,
right?

Uh, I don't know.

I mean, everyone should
advocate for themselves.

Exactly.

And I will advocate
as clear as day

so there is
no miscommunication.

[ Chuckles ]
You don't know me, Ms. Alomar.

Unh-unh.
I had a down year last year,

but this year,
I am feeling mighty spicy.

Wait, wait, wait.
Time out.

They got you back here
in the nosebleeds?

That's my seat.

Unacceptable, dude.
We literally know Neen.

We could just put you
at the front of the class.

Come on.

Hey, hey.
Excuse me.

Um, I'm sorry, twin,
but this is a VIP section.

You got anything fragile
in here?

[ Glass shatters ]
My pickles!

Yeah, I know.

Your pickles.

I'm so sorry.
Ignore him.

Um, so, anyway...
You go ahead.
Alright.

Hey, look,
now, remember,

you're not just another kid
in this class, okay?

You're special.

Because there was a time

when I was the only man
that your teacher knew.

YOLO. Alright.

So sorry. What --
What were you saying?

Okay, real quick,

I, uh, made a list here
of all the stickers

that Nick would prefer,

and, uh, he don't like to read
on Thursdays,

so let's just not do that.

Okay, got to go.
Busy, busy, busy.

Okay, brainiacs.

So since the last quiz was

-Light work.
-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, light work.

So I figured
that we would have another quiz

on all the stuff
we learned this week.

That shouldn't be a problem,
right?

-Nah.
-Nah.

No problem.
Okay, so I tell you what.

I'mma head to the bathroom.

Soon as I get back,
I'mma hand out the quizzes.

I got my phone, keys,
stapler in its place,

answer key right
in my unlocked drawer.

Okay, so factoring in
a little chitchat with Barb,

maybe a story from Mr. J.

I should be back
in exactly 10 minutes.

Youse probably didn't notice it
'cause I was -- I was so subtle.

I planted fake answers
to the quiz in my desk.

These kids are about to find out
what the Schemmenti name means.

Means "scheme."

Scheme-menti --
the original pronunciation.

They changed it at Ellis Island.

And then Nick pulls a homemade
hall pass out of his pocket

that reads "VI-pee-pee"
in Tariq's handwriting,

yells, "Yerrr,"
and then goes out the door.

[ Chuckles ] I told y'all
there'd be drama.

Y'all the reason I don't
have to steal anybody's
password to Peacock.

Why don't you
just talk to Tariq?

Well, because he's come
so far as a human adult

and a father figure,
I don't want to discourage him.

Maybe I'll just talk
to Nick about it.

[ Gasps ]
Talk to a child about it?

Awfully protective
of an ex.

I made O'Shon flush his phone
and empty his cloud.

He's a really lucky man.

Are you sure Tariq doesn't have
Janine's phone number?

I'm sure he does.

Ooh,
so tell me something

and include my question
in your answer.

How do you feel about
your girlfriend getting into

a spousal battle with her
ex-lover over their shared son?

I'm leaving.
Janine?

No, this show.

-Yerrr.
-Hey.

Why is the dishwasher
running?

Uh, to wash dishes.

Oh, that's what
she wants you to think.

[ Door opens ]

Did you run the dishwasher
with just a spoon in it?

Jacob, you are
unusually sweaty today.

That is not an answer.

Of course not.

I put a single cup
in there, as well.

[ Gasps ]

Wow. Okay.
You are being crazy.

And I can say that because
a mental-health professional,

Ms. Alomar,
agreed with me.

Backwards.

She agreed with me.

Hmm. Well, I thought
your church was against lying.

[ Gasps ]

Father God, forgive me,

'cause I'm about to show
this young man

his pants are on fire.

Let's go talk
with Ms. Alomar.

After you.

No, after me.

[ Scoffs ] You...

Is everything oka--
Why are you moist?

The dishwasher.
And the brisk walk over here.

Barbara ignored the note
that you suggested I write.

Please tell
this confused young man

that you are completely
on my side.

No, she's on mine.
Mine.

I'm with a student.

[ Lock clicks ]

What is her problem?
She's got a lot of attitude.

I can't wait to see
how well

all of my genius students
have done.

[ Chuckles ]

Probably won't even need
this pen,

except to write "A+"
on all of them.

Right?

Um...

Okay, you got
all the answers right?

Boom [bleep]

[ Chuckles ]

So glad I saved my curse
for that.

This is impossible.

You were supposed
to get them all wrong.

We knew the answers
in your drawer were fake.

So how'd you cheat, then?

We talked to each other.

And remember the stuff
you lectured about.

The stuff you made us read.

The class discussion.

And we aced it.
Got you again, Ms. Schemmenti.

You seemed way smarter
when we were in second grade.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

[ Sighs ]

Beaten by a bunch
of bumbling sixth graders.

Feels like when the Eagles lose
to the Cowboys.

[ Clears throat ]
Um, so we got to talk.

Nick said he couldn't get
access to a green crayon,

which has led
to this autumnal foliage.

And, girl,
it ain't autumn.

It is autumn, Tariq.

No it ain't.
It's fall.

[ Scoffs ] She's supposed
to be a teacher.

You know what?
I'm about to put Nick in
the transfer portal immediately.

Alright, you know what?
Tariq, you need to leave.

Why do you still got him
sitting in the cheap seats?

His biggest fear is
the back of people's heads.

You're gonna give him PTSD.

Sorry, guys. One second.

Nick is not gonna get special
treatment anymore, alright?

All of my kids
are special.

It's not a punishment.
It's fair.

[ Scoffs ]
What?

If I knew that you were gonna
treat my future son like this,

I would have never
dated you.
What?

Janine:
Tariq cannot take criticism.

One time I told him a song
of his wouldn't work

because nothing rhymes
with orange.

He told me to go forage in
the storage for some porridge.

Basically made my point for me.

Hi.

How's it going,
Ms. Anderson?

It's Ms. Alomar.

Oh, well --
Please don't tell me

you're going to ask
my opinion on something.

Now,
why would I do that

when I have so many
amazing opinions of my own?

I'm sorry.
It's just,

I'm at capacity,
and the kids are great, but --

But what?
[ Sighs ] Could we?

Some of the teachers here,
they're kind of a lot.

First of all, don't be
talking about my staff.

Second of all,
spill the tea, girl.

It's just, the teachers
keep coming to me

to settle their petty problems.

Welcome to what I have
to deal with every single day

with these needy-ass teachers.

You must have
a lot of patience.

You know what?

I think I have more patience
than anybody I know.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Did you go to Harvard?

I did go there.
I forget sometimes.

No wonder this is
such a well-run school.

God, it's so nice
talking to someone

who is a consummate
professional.

I heard that.

Ava, Ava, you were absolutely
right about that counselor.

She is manipulative,
dismissive, and rude.

She must go.
Mm-hmm.

Listen,
I've known both of you

way longer
than I've known her.

Yes.
Yeah.

And that's why
I must take her side on this.

[ Gasps ]
What?

She said y'all getting on
her nerves,

interrupting her
when she's with the kids,

doing the job
she's supposed to do.

She's not going
anywhere.

But --
I am a Harvard-trained,

consummate professional
who is extremely patient.

Now, get the hell out.

So how'd the, uh...
revenge go?

Not well.

Okay,
what happened?

Okay, so I planted,
like,

a fake answer key
to a test...
Uh-huh.

and these little cheaters
figured it out,

so they quickly, like,
cracked open their textbooks,

studied up on the material,
took the test, and did great.

So they learned?
Exactly.

How am I supposed
to counter that?

I don't think you should,
but...

Hello, Melissa.

How are the super-easy-
to-handle middle schoolers?

Jacob, I swear to God.

I'm too fast.
You can't catch me.

So it seems Melissa,
the bully,

is herself getting bullied
by a bunch of little kids.

I was gonna tell her
to eat it, but I --

I got too scared.

Look,
I love my first graders,

but it is a
completely different vibe

when I'm with
the older goofballs.

Yes, they are
more challenging.

They keep you
on your toes.

They sure do.
Mm-hmm.

And, you know, I could have
figured out their next move.

I'm just, you know,
a little rusty.

Second graders
made me soft.

Why are you smiling?

I got to get back
into fighting shape.

Melissa, you do know you cannot
fight the children, right?

I know.
I'm not gonna --
Just making sure.

I'm not gonna fight them.
Good.

I'm gonna teach him.

Have you not been doing that
this whole time?

Guys, no fighting over
the brushes.

If you want another,
they're...

Tariq?

Tariq,
I can see you.

Dang.

You always could,
Janine.

Oh, my God.

Look,
I've been reflecting.
[ Sighs ]

I've, you know,
been looking at the mirror.

The man in there.
Michael Jackson.

He had a monkey.
What was I saying?

I think you were trying
to apologize.

No. [ Chuckles ]
No, that's not --

that -- no, that --
that was it.

Look, I just want the best
for Nick,

and that is a teacher

who treats
all the kids fairly.

Wow.

I'm really happy
to hear you say that.

Thank you, Tariq.

You really have grown.

I know.
It's pretty lame.

Oh.
Ava: Boo!

No kiss?
No fantasy suite?

Tired of these short-ass seasons
and terrible finales.

[ Sighs ] God.

[ Knocks on door ]
Hey, Barbara, can I --

Can I talk to you?

Jacob, I have not touched
your precious dishwasher.

I know. I just...

I was thinking about
Ms. Alomar

and, you know,
she's here for the kids

and they really like her.

Indeed, they do.

So, in the spirit of fostering
a healthy atmosphere

and setting a good example,
I brought you a peace offering.

The Glamma options
were limited,

but I think this one
also suits you.

"#1 Diva."

I can work with that.

Thank you, Jacob.

And, quite honestly,
I was feeling bad, too.

And so I purchased these

so that I can wash
my single mug

without ruining
my manicure.

Oh.
Mm. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, hey.

Uh, just the person
we want to see.
Oh.

Ms. Alomar, we would --
Oh.

What is her problem?
[ Scoffs ]
What is her problem?

Listen,
you're not in trouble, okay?

I can respect when I got got.

But youse can never cheat again,
okay?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Okay. It did make me realize
how much I have to teach you.

Like when you --
write this down.

When you're pulling a job,

you got to keep
the conspiracy small, okay?

You got too many loose lips.

Those goofballs, they gossip
more than the Real Housewives.

You know it's true.

Worse, you burned
your best scheme

on a test
you already had in the bag,

and now that I know
you know it,

the next ones are gonna be
even harder.

Bring it.
Oh, I will.

I'mma be on you
from here on out.

It's gonna be a good year.

Okay, crack those textbooks.

Let's [bleep] get into it.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Did you know you could use
a dishwasher to cook salmon?

Let me demonstrate.

First, season your salmon
to taste.

Then you wrap your salmon up
like so.

You select the "salmon" option
on your dishwasher,

which is pots and pans.

And here's one
I prepared earlier.

After one cycle, you should have
a perfectly cooked salmon

that looks just like...this.

Damn. It's overdone.

I think I'll wash this
at home.

She's a bit of an odd duck.

Speaking of duck, you can also
use the dishwasher to cook duck.

Now, for duck à l'orange.

-- Captions by Verbit --