Original subtitles

all right ladies and gentlemen

please join me in welcoming the new Mister and Mister

Greg Demopolis and Matthew Kane

to strangers

who feel the goodness turning good on everyone

I'm genuinely excited to hear why

you're the sole person already eating dinner

I have to go back to work

I drew the short straw can't leave before the best part

that's why I'm eating it now

I'm about to give my toast

hmm

good for you I get it

you have your makeup on

you don't want to cry before work

I hope you wrote jokes

as funny as the idea of me crying at your toast

only one way to find out

then came Matthew's new assignment 18 months in Omaha

where he apparently made exactly one friend

I got home to find Greg on the floor of our living room

trying not to freak out

listening to a Dalai Lama YouTube

which wasn't really helping

cause the Lama's never even had a boyfriend

much less cross state lines to live with it

now uh

Greg was um

terrified

that Matthew would learn exactly who he really was

and not just trivial stuff

like how he makes up random facts

like Mark Twain inventing the bra strap

no he did

he literally did and he invented stand up

Google it

so I said to Greg stay with me

stay here

and don't worry about getting your heart broken

because if there's one thing I know about Greg

is that

he will always do the exact opposite of what I suggest

so Greg was in Omaha the next month

and the rest is history

which I think proves what I've long believed

the Dalai Lama sucks

or or instead

a heart that's afraid to break

is a heart that's never used

to Greg and Matt

my baby boy he's come to visit

how's the honeymoon dude I'm a tapped keg

I remember like the beaches

the food the rich Cuban culture

you son of a bitch what

I thought that you were here to see me

I am here to see you I you okay

you know what I want from you

I want you to accept what you have with Olivia alright

you guys are friends friends ish

friends adjacent

ex coworkers

these are all really special beautiful categories

and as much as I fucking try

no one can take away that

little drunken humps that you two have look

I don't care for your tone Greg

and it was one drunken love making session

did you come when you had sex with her

because I don't hear any post not clarity Connor

God I hate to be blunt

but it's time to throw in the towel honestly

Greg is a married man now

you need to move on I don't give up that easy

even when I'm literally begging him to hahaha

so your toast was a hit huh

no it wasn't good

you hook up with anyone I mean

that's how you know if it was good

I mean it was a gay wedding

and straight

single girls famously can't stand gay guys

so yeah not this gay guy

they actually find me really offensive yeah

but only half the guests were yours

all I'm hearing is

this is your own special way of saying

you're happy to see me really

and please keep in mind the customer is always right

and please keep in mind you're Greg's customer

not mine

hey yup

hi

listen buddy I know it feels really romantic to pine

but it is a super short walk to creepy

what did you do bring the whole house in your bag

um my hands are dirty

I'm gonna go wash them real quick

I'll be right back um

can you get us some breadsticks

thank you what are you doing here

she insisted on coming really

tell your chef to stop making such good food haha

we make chicken fingers

you came to fuck with me like a child

after I very gently ghosted you like an adult

see me out when my wife fucks with you

that's not my problem don't twist my words

who's she talking to no idea

but you know what's a more interesting idea

look over there at that table

you see her

do you know her no

but you're about to I'm really not in the mood look

she just got stood up she is waiting

for a handsome

young fella to go over there and talk to her

and since that's not happening

maybe I could go over there instead

I didn't say that at all

that's all you that's all internal look

if you're not gonna do it for her

do it for Olivia show her that

another girl sees how much of a catch you are

when you told me that you were married

I thought you'd be low maintenance instead

you're this black hole of neediness

maybe from once we skip the mean thing you say to me

you take back later you know

the easier way to skip it is don't show up at my work

thank you guys so much for coming have a great night

thank you get a real job maybe I wouldn't have to

I'm gonna spit in your food spit in my mouth

read the room Kevin

where where'd you go did you leave

no he's a just getting started

probably nothing hmm so nowhere else

not even a not even a study abroad or

well

I've actually never not lived in my parents house what

it's practical

rent is expensive and I can commute to college

you missed out on having a terrible roommate

who eats all your food

and leaves her dirty underwear around

I have that that's my dad right

well I I did have a buddy that went to UALR

I actually threw up in the fountain one visit

that's bad please don't

don't turn me in my loyalty is to my school

I hope you'll understand of course

I will not tell you what happened in the quad

then it was worse

no haha

excuse me miss

is this man bothering you

no no

not at all

he's wanted in multiple states for indecent exposure

she's kidding oh

I am okay hahaha

he's my friend yeah

used to work here back in the day

that's how we met and we had sex once technically

why did you have technically OK

I love your top that is so cute

thank you hahaha

I never really feel like I have a reason

so Jenny had a pet rabbit as a child

which committed suicide oh well

allegedly I wasn't home at the time

and my dad's story doesn't really add up

that's I haven't rolled out negligence

so I stand corrected

her father may have murdered a rabbit

but in brighter news you play the Viola

I do well

I do I play the recorder

and my father murdered my self confidence

so we're modern women cut from the same cloth

Connor you have so much to learn from us

uh huh

we're about to close but you wanna stay

uh yeah sure what are you drinking

I follow

I follow

I I follow

I'm so glad you guys talked to me

I really needed a night like this

why your friends don't dance

um I mean

I don't really have any friends

I mean people I grew up with

but I don't know

you grow up and then you turn out different and yeah

do you ever think about like

who you would become

if you started hanging around different people

hmm

yeah of course

I'm surrounded by bad influences you guys are cute

you have plenty of time to find your people

and you'll know

your hair is fake hahaha

the bathroom is yeah

it's to the left

thank you

what do you think

what do I think about what

should we bang

I can tell she's into it

uh

all three of us

yes

or maybe just you and me okay

Cora

meet the moment don't be such a puppy dog

oh whoa hi

hi you guys

you guys gonna ask me to watch you do it

no

but I understand why

we were just uh

playing a game

game

I like games what kind of game

truth or dare yeah

oh

have you ever played it yeah

I well

when I was in like fifth grade

I was dared to eat a raw hot dog

oh my God well then that sucks

I was gonna do that one oh uh

should we play

I'm down yeah OK

who wants to go first

I'll go first

truth or dare

um

truth

hmm

okay

have you ever kissed a girl

um

I mean like girls playing when I was little

uh have you ever really

really really kissed a girl

do you want to that's two questions

which is totally fine

yes

you're a great kisser

okay handsome

your turn

truth or dare

dare I

dare you to give me the best kiss you've ever given

Bos never used 51bce0c785ca2f6808

I think it's your turn to ask

can I just kiss you

hmm hahaha

hey

hey how's it going

uh it's alright yeah

I don't I don't usually drink that well

I don't I don't usually drink so

but the rest the the rest was a typical Friday right

uh yeah

she really knows how to get what she wants huh

yeah yeah

she does um

but I should say like I I also

I also wanted it oh no yeah

I didn't mean it like that right

yeah no

I did I also wanted right it too yeah

yeah last night was

it's really something um

you're a you're a beautiful

woman what am I

what am I saying uh

do you want do you want anything

I have instant oatmeal and cereal

what cereals

grape nuts and raisin bran

those are the saddest cereals

well I could also offer a shower and or a cup of tea

yeah that sounds great

both one of each please

great now we're getting somewhere

look at this wow

what an Airbnb 5 stars uh

well yeah

you have a shower and I'll do the tea OK

you know if you were thinking of showering too

and you wanted to save water

tea can wait

closer to the sun

I brought the tea anyway

just in case

new contact Jenny Theresa

haha OK

we can just go with Brooks Brooks

OK Brooks

so sorry

uh it was nice to meet you Jenny

yeah

I'll give you a call I'm good

bye bye

hi hi

I see you've mastered the art of playing it cool

I see you've taken my jacket

I wanna take you on a real date

are you seriously not satisfied

when I was co sucking your dick last night

that wasn't enough for you

it was unbelievable

forget the sex I had an amazing time

I haven't had that much fun in a long time

and don't forget the sex

I will say you picked up a thing or two since last time

yeah

you stole my heart

a sexual compliment almost makes me forget

waking up to a cold bed you can buy my breakfast

that's kind of like a date

I wanna buy you dinner tomorrow night

I'm working the next night

then final offer

unless there's a better night

in which case that's totally fine

why do

men think that unwanted persistence is so charming

that's fair in my defense

I was inside you like eight hours ago

okay fine fine

yeah one thing

I overdressed didn't I

what do you mean you're saying I underdressed

you want me to change

you're worried the drive through worker will see me

for your information

This Taco Bell has an inside seating area oh

oh it's my sister

hey what's up

are you almost here almost where

oh

tonight tonight uh

yeah no

I can I can

I can be there in a few hours Olivia

I'm kidding oh my God

calm down bye Connor

do you want to know

what's an amazing first date activity

don't touch that hey

don't touch that relax

the situation is under control

thank you hey

who's this Connor

hi he's great with kids probably

I actually have no idea now that I say that

that's for you thank you

why is Connor in my house

remember when you're 16

and you'd babysit for your neighbor

and you'd bring your friend

and that friend was a 30 year old poetry teacher

sometimes he was thank you Roger

okay weird

but in 30 seconds

I'm either burning this place down or leaving

so I don't care okay

and I guess it was my fault

cause I only rode you like four times

okay apology accepted

no s E

X and R B

E d

all right you don't have to spell that

we'll wash the sheets not funny

how many kids are there bye

bye bye

OK well

this meeting of the Babysitters

Club is hereby adjourned please keep my children alive

don't make her manage us bye mwah

I love you hey Raffy go

I don't know you but alright kids

behave yourselves you too Grace and Milo

now what now what

alright let's let's eat dinner time

alright alright

um don't worry

I'm fine yeah

alright

oh

that was pretty good and so who's on the farm

is it one of these is it one of these

who's that mad horse all right

peep peep here and a peep

Olivia get in here

what's that what

that's not the bottle I told you to open

that's like $200 fuck

I'm sorry I thought

haha you never let up do you

that's insane

I can't believe they do that every single day

I felt like I was an uncut gem

hahaha

it's deranged that I ever did that on my own

hmm

thank you we make a good team

hey to unconventional first dates

wow and their corny toasts

you can't rag on my toast

when you famously missed my best one ever

now that I think about it

you did play acoustic guitar at me on our first date so

which you loved did not

you're big soft no

I'm not always suspected okay fine I have many sides

I hope to get to see them all

you wanna do it on my sister's bed

I thought they said no s E X

good thing I don't know how to s

P E L

weirdest thing that I'm most proud of my collarbones

so that's what your face looks like

when you look at yourself

you think I love that clavicle

yeah it is

I weirdly like when people say I have nice handwriting

and I pride myself

on being able to read other people's messy writing

penmanship yeah

that's too boring to be weird ah

it's looking

like

someone who's never felt the rush of a handwriting

compliment

I once masturbated to Billy Joel the fuck on a dare

no because he's a fucking poet

a new meaning to river of dreams

I'm sorry please

I got best eyes and best eyebrows

which are two separate ones

I'll have you know thank you very much

yes but I was really pissed

because I wanted to get best sense of humor

and Carver Caruso got it

basically just cause of her dumb Borat impression

Borat impression that's not even a hard impression

no I'm fucking aware

I remember the first movie I ever saw Fantasia

never seen it

the is a Tchaikovsky classical music piece

remember I was playing you

Tchaikovsky from Fantasia

no it's not from

it was an original piece of music

and then they decided to use it

next movie what's the next one

I'm bored you ever seen Shrek 2

oh yeah

that's the best feature film ever

gosh darn me oh

I'm sorry have I seen it

only 12 times worst breakup mmm hmm

uh

technically

never actually been broken up with

oh come on

leave it to me

take a couple years off from the boyfriend game

and I get a guy who's dumped everyone he's ever dated

cool

I think we both know one way or another

my streak is doomed

shit I meant to empty out that trash

I thought you were on the pill

it's hard to remember you know

you have to take one every single day

and and are it's not that big of a deal

it's early enough that I can take another pill or

whatever

yeah yeah yeah yeah okay

and um just checking yeah a pill is what you want

can you even imagine hahaha no

no

I mean I

I can imagine

what what's happening right now

I I don't know

I just after the initial terror subsided obviously

I had this strange moment when I saw the box like

am I supposed to be terrified because it's unexpected

or I had a schedule

cause like is it is it even yeah it is Olivia I'm 30

I was 8 when my mom was thirty

my dad had abandoned a whole family

by the time he was 30 I mean I'm I'm lagging

haha

that's crazy

all this time we thought like I was the out there one

but clearly Connor

we've never even said I love you

I guess it would be rude of me not to confess that I

I do love you too I do

but that doesn't mean that we need to do something

bonkers that we can never

ever take back do you love me

you're gonna make me instantly regret saying that

aren't you so OK

just a recap um

you're pregnant yeah

and we love each other

and we've been together for six weeks

yeah but I didn't meet you six weeks ago

you're great with kids

don't you ever think about being a mom someday

someday yeah someday

someday like someday

some day like in five years

Connor I like

just can't believe that you're even considering this

I can't either but all I know is

my heart sank more when you mentioned the pill

when I saw that box

um I can't think right

can

yeah I just have a

I let me think about it

think about it yeah

alright yeah

it's a lot I can work with that okay okay

baby steps

when you picture what you want your life to be like

what do you see

what kind of question is that

you wanna know mine

it's you and me and kids

whenever that is

okay well

let's make a pact then when we're 86

if we're still single alright

don't even try okay

85 you said you love me can't pretend anymore

maybe I like yours too

do you mean

yes dummy

she asks a lot of questions

but I'll be fine just in and out

stick to the plan just saying hi

OK wait

uh what do you think

you should have worn baggy clothes

I got a hoodie stop it relax

it's just a friendly visit

I'm not gonna drop any bombs tonight

ah

I'm sorry I panicked

I I

I don't know why I just said that

is she taking it well

I can't tell hard to say

she just shoot herself

I'm gonna be a grandma what's the gender

we don't know when's the due date

not sure what's the wedding mom

there's no wedding do you need any caretaking

I'm free on Tuesdays and Thursdays after 1:20

we'll talk about it and some Saturdays

thank you mom

what are you gonna name it mom

what are we gonna name our kids

what about Alice as in Wonderland

well no

it was it was my mom's mom's name and I always liked it

hmm I don't know

oh OK

no it's

it reminds me of this girl named Alice

from my high school

who always ate cans of tuna for lunch

what no

not even with Mayo and it wasn't a poverty thing

she just like fucking loved tuna

it was nauseating Jenny

what are you doing here

I need to talk to you Connor

well why

why haven't you taken care of it

I just don't think that's any of your business Jenny

are you even sure it's mine

hey

he was using a condom remember

I was there he used a condom not in the morning

in the morning

in the morning

okay

I'm out

hey what do you mean you're out

good luck kids

this is one for the storybooks

what are you breaking up with me

I'm not doing this if there's a side piece

baby mama absolutely not

that is not my life but we can get through this

no right

come on we can

we have to no

we have to get through this

we don't have to get through this

I can get out of this and that's what I'm gonna do

fuck is going on

hey will you wait

you're overreacting properly reacting

this is how a normal person reacts

this has nothing to do with us

this is apocalyptically bad luck

from before we even had our first date

and if I had known that you'd fuck somebody else

an hour before you'd ask me out on it

I would have stuck with no

you did know it was your idea

one hour 8 hours

what difference does it make

the difference is that I can't have your baby

if you're already having a baby with somebody else

obviously Olivia

Olivia please don't do this

get the fuck out of the way

I'm I'm gonna go

I think

this already went way worse than I ever expected it to

what did you want to happen

I don't know I just thought that you might wanna know

yeah

okay

Jenny we

we can't have a baby together

that's insane

well

it's my decision and it was already really hard to make

so I can do it alone if I have to

um

but I I also told my parents that you were my boyfriend

so

hi leave a voicemail if you want if it's still 2,009

I might listen to it

so you had a threesome and you got both girls pregnant

technically

I just got both girls from the threesome pregnant

and the random stranger you picked up

and Rodog happens to be a life begins at conception

evangelical I don't know what she is

but if you're anti abortion

you should not be having three

that's very true false advertising

it seems like

a sex prenup to prevent this kind of thing

oh yes we're having coffee this weekend oh my God

that's so cute

try not to get any of the baristas pregnant

you guys are so lucky to be gay

can't get anybody pregnant

still try uh

you do know that

sperm of gay men has the same capabilities as yours

right

I didn't even think I finished inside

we were in the shower

and I didn't want to kill the mood

go drip water everywhere

so I just you know evacuated tad early okay

so after thousands of years of perfection

the pull out method has finally failed thanks

thanks buddy pile it on

that's crazy that doesn't make any sense

it's weird

I spent so much time

imagining what me and Olivia had in store

so real and clear in my head

and now it's not gonna be that way

it's it's gone and I miss it somehow

miss things that didn't even happen

do you want to just throw

some darts at me let it out

is that okay yeah alright

here we go right

go ahead I don't think you're gonna hit me up

and seeing you play

hey come on

next rounds on me huh

okay who's pregnant now

you're fine you'll make it so far on your own

hi I didn't think you'd respond well

it's my birthday

and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable

any chance you have a pregnancy fetish

what what

why no

are you are you pregnant

your face

I was gonna do a whole bit pretending that it's yours

but um

doesn't really work with a guy who has a vasectomy

doesn't really set the mood either so

and you're keeping it fuck no

but you know me

why do today what you can put off until tomorrow

uh that's not how that saying goes

I'm not here for the conversation

good because pregnant women are sexy as fuck

since there's only gonna be one kid now

maybe I could be twice the father

you know like if you've never sailed before

it's probably easier to just steer one boat at a time

it's a weird analogy I've never even sailed

I'm sorry could we not make jokes about this

this is my life

like you think

I wanna be pregnant with some random person's baby

I wanted to do this when I was ready

or like at least with someone that I loved

and here I was thinking I'd only ruined my

life oh no no

I don't mean it like that

you were just being yourself that night

and I was really trying to be someone else

and I think I overcompensated

so much that I got what I deserved

but then why keep it

it was clearly a mistake no one would judge you

I mean I would judge me

it would be one thing if I actually

tried to prevent this and it happened anyway

but I didn't do anything to prevent this

like how could you call that a mistake

that literally makes no sense to me but I respect it

look

I'm here because I wanna try and do the right thing

whatever that may be

can we pray what

oh

yeah now

mm hmm yep

you lead me I was hoping you would

are you singing it well I don't know how to pray

it's hahaha am I doing it wrong

no I'm messing with you

oh hahaha that is a relief hahaha uh

sorry

I'm just gonna take this yeah

one sec sorry

yeah

hey

if you're trying to talk me out of it just save it okay

I don't feel bad about it and I don't want to no

no no

I I just want to know you're okay yeah

I'm okay I'm fine

but I mean

the only other person whose responsibility this is

is yours

so I'm gonna need you to like Venmo me or something

you want me to Venmo you for an abortion

I don't wanna have fucking Paypal then I don't care

I'm fine

thank you

it's on Tuesday so I'll let you know the total then

okay Tuesday

it's on this this Tuesday yeah

Maya and I have to drive to Illinois though

so that's fun yay

medieval abortion laws everything is a fiery hellscape

Olivia can I just see you before you go please

I'm not changing my mind you can go home

I'm not here to change your mind

I'm here to support you what

support me how you make a road trip mix look

I can accept you're not having our baby anymore

but I can't accept what's happened to us

I don't wanna do this right now

can we fight about it when I get back

please let me take you please

it's my responsibility it's not your responsibility

I'm not some scared sophomore cheerleader

I'm fine honestly

I don't need you to take me

I have Maya

Maya uh

wouldn't Roger rather I took her so you can stay

no

okay

uh

we started this thing together

we should end it that way too

honor please

I wanna have this abortion with you

no I

I was planning on sleeping most of the way there anyway

so if it's like really important to you

then fine I love you

I love you

drive safe and yes

I did make a road trip mix

nice to see you

nice to see you too

and I told myself

never never let me

beautiful drive

stunning

going back to bed

and I told myself

down here alright

okay

which option is better

that's entirely up to you

some people prefer to do the procedure here

and know it's completely taken care of

when you leave here you know you're no longer pregnant

some feel the pills offer a less invasive

more private option

I don't know I'm I just I don't know what to do um

but I don't have to make the decision right now right

cause I have to

think about it for 24 hours isn't there a waiting

not here in Illinois no

okay no okay

but you absolutely can take the night to think it over

if you'd like okay

we can get you back in tomorrow

that's no problem I'm sorry don't be sorry darling

did you know the abortion itself

only takes between five and 10 minutes

isn't that weird

you you carry this thing for weeks

literally growing inside you and then

if it makes you feel better

my part of making it was also five to 10 minutes so

I don't wanna eat that

you awake

yeah

can I come over there

no funny business

you're the funny one

I can only do serious business

oh my God I'm the funny one alright

permission to kiss you on the forehead

hmm

top of the head only one pet

it's gonna be okay

can I just can I just take a minute

yeah

I don't think that I wanna do this

really does this make me a Republican

no

no no

no we came 300 miles for abortion

and that is what I'm getting

an abortion what hey

hey hang on

I'm losing my hang on my mind right now

you just said you don't want an abortion

then looked in my face and changed your mind

do you not want a baby cause you don't want a baby

or because you're mad at me

even if it's what I want to do

it doesn't mean it's what I should do

since when does Olivia Capatano

give a fuck about what she should do

maybe

Olivia Capatano doesn't know what she wants at all

what do you think she wants

you claim to know her so well

I think Olivia captain gonna stop that whole thing now

okay I think that you

I think if you go in there and have an abortion

you won't regret it but I

I think you want to keep it

so you're saying keeping it wouldn't be a huge mistake

I will make sure it isn't

when you have to go and have the world's most potent

fucking sperm

a week ago I can't really

it's just like I felt like I had everything I did

I was actually happy

and if I can hold on to some of that then

are you sure

no

that's my decision

let's go home

glad you came

wanted persistence for the win

it is always hard to reconcile how cool you are

with the fact that you listen to this kind of music

I'm sorry I

and skip

what is this what's what

who's Kevin wine bar

give me my phone his wife's out of town

and what is it Jesus Christ

we're in a moving car don't read my text

you know what that's it

what are you doing right now

honor yep

you can't give me shit for this

we broke up we were in love

we were having a baby we are having a baby

and you're already fucking somebody else

no no

no no

I'm not fucking somebody else

I fucked somebody else

just because he wants to do it again doesn't mean that

that I want to I

I don't I honestly

I don't sorry

so I can't be heard about it

cause it was just a one time

I'm allowed to try and feel better

we're supposed to be there for each other

I'm the one who gets to try and make you feel better

you got somebody else pregnant

that was an accident we

we weren't even together yet

and we're not together now

Connor you said that we could do this trip

without you bringing this shit up

and I said I said that when I saw that box

my life was changed

everything I've done since then has been with you

and that baby and the rest of our lives in mind

stupidly I thought you were the same

that other baby is gonna be around

for the rest of your life too

so is Jenny okay

whatever we had before

it doesn't exist anymore and it can't come back

say that again

two girls pregnant come on Connor

I feel a little bad for my grandkids

because they're inheriting your moronic genes

well where do you think I got my genes from huh

Touche Coffee with a splash of whiskey

oh wow

didn't even check to see if I was joking

just sort of dove right in

I'm really sorry Olivia's pulling away

I like her I really like her

but she doesn't know what she wants

she said she wanted us without any prompting from you

you don't think there's a special

someone out there for everybody

no

no and everybody who does is a fucking maniac Connor

or maybe you know what actually

maybe there is a perfect person for somebody

but the world is so fucking humongous

how the fuck are you gonna find that perfect person

so we're all just running around unhappy

cheating or getting divorced

you literally just got married

gay people are different

we are so different we can save marriages forever

look at Hugh Jackman

I actually do

just think I can convince her that I'm right

and she's wrong oh my God

how did I raise such a man

wonderfully

don't forget there's another girl

who may appreciate your supportive partner energy

and you have a responsibility to her too

and to her baby most of all

I actually do think

Jenny has an OBGYN appointment coming up

perfect take her to it

what if she gets the wrong idea

and I'm like wanting to shack up or take a friend

this is so exciting yeah

thanks for coming dude

of course never miss this

wait I never even really saw her

she's beautiful yeah

is she still up for threesomes

fuck

oh fuck

that's the mother of my child

you disgusting animal don't mean you regret bringing me

hi hi

hey hey

how's it going come on in

hey someone else is here

yes this is Greg

hi I'm Greg Demopolis

I'm here to support him while he supports you

which I guess means you're supporting me if that's cool

do you always bring an extra person

hahaha wait

I like you nice to meet you nice to meet you

so like I hate to ask because

you know it's like goes and reductionist and everything

but like what do you do

uh I'm in grad school

but I work at a soup kitchen

oh you work at a soup kitchen

uh huh

oh you didn't know what she did

she doesn't know what I do either

aren't you a recording engineer

yep uh

it's a non profit we do like

bag lunches and hot meals for unhoused people

and low income families and stuff wow

you are making me seem like

more of an asshole than usual

no I just help yuppies get fucked up

you're a drug dealer no

I am a bartender

but I work at the place where you two met

remember Three Way ticket to Pound Town

whoa OK

true clip there chief

hey I don't think you're glib

I think you you are very honest and direct

I appreciate that yeah

it's unique I feel like you give it to me straight

you know what I mean alright

not totally straight

so was the threesome your first time

like whoa dude

what the fuck why

why would you ask that

I just heard there was a religious element

maybe I'm projecting you don't have to answer him any

okay it was not my first time

definitely not okay

so what was your first time like Greg

shut the fuck up it's okay seriously

okay I'm sorry

you can involve her in all your little twisted

hedonistic sex games

but I can't ask her a simple question

Connor

continue if you may um okay

well it was my senior year production of cats

and it was during intermission

all right

rum Tum Tugger OK

fucked me behind the back curtain

wow cat OK really wow

yeah amazing

and you're fully in character

oh full costume

full costume so you lost it before Connor

he was a late bloomer yeah

only cause I forgot to bring condom to prom

OK yeah

he never has unprotected sex

it's like my principle

how late was the bloom we were at 22

yeah he was 22 years old

we'll be doing a physical exam today

which will include a breast and pelvic exam

we'll do some blood tests and urine studies

just to establish a baseline

and we'll do a vaginal ultrasound

to try and hear baby's heartbeat

great

what are you doing here

oh boy this is too good

hey what are you

you decided to bring her to my doctor

I don't own the doctor

what do I know about finding an obstetrician

it was this or Yelp

so Yelp

that's how I found this place

what does she not have her own OB

I do so why are you here

I just I

I did I mean I've

I have known her since I was 13

and I was embarrassed this is insane

I thought you were

oh are you like mad

I didn't get an abortion or something

no I just

I thought that you thought what

it's none of your business remember

will you lay off her Connor

I am way too hormonal for surprises right now

OK this is so uncomfortable and awkward

this person wants to die right now

you know what

I think maybe you should just go in with her

I don't want him to go in with me

I don't really want to see either of you two right now

look

if you let him go in with you I'll find another doctor

okay well

why do you care so much

because our kids are basically twins

and the mother of my kids

twin yells at me every time she sees me

I'm not yelling at you

well now I'm yelling and you know

you were like the coolest person I'd ever met

and I really I actually thought you liked me

and this is already so hard

can't we just help each other

you're like so nice

what's wrong with you

I

shouldn't have been such a fucking bitch to you

just now that was not fair or nice and I'm embarrassed

I know I I fucked up your life pretty bad so I get it

it's not your fault

it's nobody's fault no

it's Connor's fault it's Connor's fault yeah

she really knows how to get what she wants huh

hi

I'm sorry did you forget something other than a condom

oh hey yeah

wow thank you for buying that huh

oh yeah not realize scripts are so expensive

you know in Finland uh babies

sleep in boxes that are provided by the government

oh well

why didn't you say

I could have just bought you a ticket to Finland

for the same price haha

hey could you could you grab that

oh yeah sorry here you go

oh I'm fine hahaha

oh my God who

uh

I just wanted to say um

I'm sorry that I never called you after that

night we first met sorry sorry

no that's typical dating

isn't it it's just

I don't want you to think that it wasn't genuine

that was a very genuine threesome

I'm try I'm trying to be serious

okay

and are you just apologizing or is this going somewhere

whatever else is happening in my life right now

I want you to know that I'm on your side

well since you brought it up

my parents are pretty anxious to meet my boyfriend

the baby daddy

oh they

they still think that I'm a

it would only be this once I

I am going to tell them soon

okay

yeah yeah

okay thank you

also I know it was a chaotic time

but I really am sorry for sort of

sort of asking you to get an abortion

oh that's

don't ever call it that nope

and don't let anything like that slip on you

no my parents

no I'm a parent's wet dream honestly oh

I wanna know the sex of the baby

didn't you wanna be surprised

you said you didn't want any gender specific

I think I've had enough surprises for one pregnancy

what is it

I'm happy to report

they'll soon be proud parents to a beautiful baby girl

I knew it

that's crazy

you didn't seem that excited

of course I'm excited

when the doctor said it was a girl

I was really excited I wanted to hug you

then I thought no don't

she won't want that it'll ruin the moment for her

and realizing that

it kind of put a damper on things for me

that all went through your head in like two seconds

I'm sorry it's done and I didn't mean to tell you no

I understand

do you though

I think so

I'm not sure I do

I'm not sure why we're doing this version

where I ruin the special moment

and get all emo in the parking lot

I could cause we could have it so much better

we could when I saw that text from Kevin Wine Bar

a name which is seared in my brain by the way

it sucked but I can get past it

I know it's not the same I know

what we have with Jenny is more permanent

and complicated I know

don't you think if we try

if we really try we could get past it too

no I what why

because it makes me feel pathetic

pathetic yeah

I feel fucking pathetic for you yeah

it's not that bad you know you knocked up two hot babes

you know that every guy that finds that out

for the rest of your life is gonna be like

damn that Connor what a fucking stud

and then for me of course

you're thinking shit

her dude knocked up another girl at the exact same time

and she's gonna take him back

how weak is that how desperate is she

how pathetic is she how no

thank you you know it's just

sure was a lot in there about what other people think

it's what I think

it's not about getting past something

it's about a new reality one that I don't want

and I'm sorry it's dumb and I didn't need to tell you

I'm not sure I've ever heard you say I'm sorry before

and you never will again

I'm glad you're having a girl

maybe Alice is back in the mix for a name

maybe maybe

maybe

maybe maybe for you and Jenny

is this a weird hug if you have to ask

then yes it's a weird hug I thought so

I don't hate it

hi everybody I'm Greg

Olivia and I have been physical life partners for

six six years

we're technically divorced

um yeah

we don't know the gender of the child yet

but um we do know that gender is a lie

do we talk about the conception

I don't think we talked about the conception

but we can talk about it we're past that now

yeah that pretty much sums it up

the name the name

the name is gonna be Elon

thank you Greg

very creative Namaste

OK how about you guys

hi I'm Jenny um

this is Connor

uh we're not married either

but um we haven't even really been together very long

uh but we're

we're optimistic

yeah we are

we are together in our dedication

in bringing this baby into the best possible

situation that we can thank you for sharing

what a lovely sentiment from a lovely person hi

whoa hi

cool place to stand um

dumb question

you and Jenny aren't like banging or anything right

you're right that is a dumb question

why would you think that I don't know

the fact that

you guys had already signed up for this class

and

all the stuff that she said about you guys in there

are you naming our kid Elon

there's nothing happening at all right

no

it is so nice to finally meet you Connor

if I'm being honest I'd

I'd been a tad bit worried when I heard about Jenny's

situation but I'm just

I'm so relieved

that she has a man who can take care of her

uh well

we're we're taking care of each other

I guess it's good that we didn't meet too soon

you know right after the unexpected news but

oh OK

excuse me you know it would be fun

do you remember

the little videos that you used to make with Connor

no we had a little Elizabeth Taylor over here

a star you never let him ever again

oh let's go get him

she was adorable let's get him

you've never what about it Connor

you wanna see my little cookie back in the back

if it's Jenny if Jenny wants to

no guys

guys please stop

please guys absolutely not my name is Jen

can we please not do this

genuinely Jenny you're in the way move

this is so embarrassing stop please mom

she's flying look

I made this little wings can you believe this

they're really nice she's so cute oh

you remember this okay

she became obsessed with weddings

and she wanted to be a bride

remember that she saw our wedding video yeah

oh she's so cute

it's a miracle

I think she was gonna marry her teddy bear

do you remember when they they married a Ken doll OK

I'm gonna go to the bathroom and Ashley Martin's cat

wow

hahaha look at her

I wanna marry my best friend

you know about arranged marriages and stuff

I've been thinking about people in India and Japan

and they couldn't be any less happy than people here

right

maybe even more happy

and why why is that

maybe love is it's just commitment

I don't think that's all love is

Jenny I'm just here to support you

I think maybe I should go you just told me

I don't think I can do this alone

Jerry

Jenny

oh shit I thought you left last night

I fell asleep by accident I I mean

I didn't even sleep that much

it was very hard the floor well fool me twice

shame on me I suppose she is already pregnant

coffee I should really get going

you're the first boy to spend the night in that room

Connor alright

come on and have a cup of Joe with me

cheers bad luck to cheers with coffee yep

I think you can understand that

this situation is difficult for me

can't you yes sir

I do

we never imagined things would go like this for Jenny

we always tried to impart a certain set of values

in this house

and that may seem a little outdated to a young person

like yourself

but let me tell you

it can lead to a mighty uncomplicated life

and that's all we want for Jenny

an uncomplicated life

and now we're trusting you to provide it

yes sir

so

you're going to lay with your chest down on the pillow

like this and partners

you're going to

put your hands on either side of her hips

give her hips a good jiggle

relaxes the pelvis

resets the nervous system and let's get some

oh I'm leading on the levels

oh I'm melting in

when are we gonna tell your parents the truth about us

death bed

you know

it's just been so much better for me since they met you

it's like they're excited about the baby

and they want to help and it's made me feel like

this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me

that doesn't really answer my question

and you gotta be fucking kidding me

oh my God oh

fuck what oh my God

ah Jesus Christ

oh yeah hemorrhoids

you're gonna get those that is just not okay

why is pregnancy so disgusting

I've never been this disgusting

women shouldn't have to be subjected to this

men should have to get pregnant

they're already gross surprise surprise

wow thanks everyone

we did not see this coming at all

we didn't see that baby coming either

it's true you are gonna be like a gross

disgusting freak probably for the rest of your life

thank you yeah

welcome to parenthood but

it's gonna be the most beautiful

thing that ever happened to you

when

Connor Jenny

tells me

you do some volunteer work with the Methodist church

oh she did

yeah well

I don't like to to brag which church

Peachtree Central United

yeah both of those

you know what I would do them all if I could

I just I love

I love the Methodists and their um

their methods bingo yeah yeah

I heard the pastor at Peachtree got fired

for using the collection funds to fund his liposuction

no girl yes

I don't really no

I don't know about that you know

I don't like to spread rumors so right right yeah

the only gossip he spreads is the gospel

can I get a amen saints

do you want my advice

enjoy the silence what is it honey

hi hi everyone

uh I'm Connor

um

Dalai Lama sucks

and or

a heart that's afraid to break

is a heart that's never used

thanks for throwing this for us

definitely never forget it

welcome to the family oh

thank you sir

um very kind of you to say

well we will let you two say goodbye

we have got to tell him I know

I know just

when the time is right

you know it's a pretty solid party

like objectively it's got cornbread press

sexual energy I don't really need anything else

come on man

you could do a lot worse than this

seriously it's not that bad

Matt's mom is a flat earther

I said I wanted to travel around the globe

we got in a huge fucking argument

how does it feel

I could have called

or I could have

no fucking way that's the wrong screw again

oh my God thank you so much

yeah no problem

what kind of high school senior gets chicken pox

nobody gets chicken pox she's a liar

she's dead to us okay

there's leftover pasta in the fridge

he likes it with salt

butter and salt from the salt shaker

but listen not from the salt dish okay

okay got it

yes I'm gonna text you from the car

I will be fine I'm ready to get some practice

go already we love you Grace we love you Milo

3 eight uh oh

careful

and I have to do two

thanks for not having anything better to do

make a good team remember

here you go I don't have blues

alright here pumpkin

you don't have any blues

oh you shouldn't have told me that

me

me

yeah I'm gonna put down yellow

five

now my turn

so did I put down a 6 or did you put down a 6

so it's my turn so I can put down a 6

I know that face up

face up like that what about if I play it

yeah that's fine

kids it's time for bed

looks like you were a huge hit at that baby shower

I wouldn't say uh hit

I straight up asked you if you and Jenny were together

and you said that you were

what was that I said I was with her

I wanted to help

and it got out of hand and she's not helping me out

what

I was afraid you'd be mad

well at least you get me

hey

she's just waiting for the right time to tell him

we broke up you honestly believe that

yeah really

yeah okay

well you've clearly

never had an affair with a married person before

the longer you do this

the easier it is for you guys to just end up together

it's not what she wants why wouldn't she want that

you tell me what do you mean

you're in the exact same position as her

you can't ever stop telling me how much

you don't want to get back together sleeping

here's the thing though

you can't tell me what to do with Jenny

and not because I'm not making obvious mistakes

and enabling her and leading her on

I don't know I hope not but

but because that's not your role anymore

you didn't want it to be

that's not but I

I think about us getting back together all the time

I wish it was as easy as you say it is

I just it's

it's it's

it's hard I know that

I'm the one making it harder in a lot of ways

and it's not because I don't care

I

I

oh Maya Roger hi

hi how was night Connor hi

thank you Connor

for your help yeah

and your assistance of course yeah

OK bye

OK bye guys

sorry who's helping me

what do they k I s

s I N G

you got it right

you got what I was trying to say

right

think you got it

oh hello

what the fuck is that what the fuck you

why are you still pregnant

hmm change my mind

what's your vibe fucking relax dude

what do you care

you said you were gonna get it taken care of

I texted you to see how it went and you said fine

yeah it did go fine

I wanted to keep it

what

um

what I never got a vasectomy

I never got one never had it

you told me

that you had a vasectomy I did

I know I did and I lied about that because

I don't know I thought that like

it would make it seem to you like

it was less serious with my wife

so less serious with your wife

you said you were on the pill

you said that I'm gonna fucking kill you

you fucking asshole less serious with your wife stop

stop calm down

that's not good for the baby

are you okay I think I'm fine okay thank you so much

who's did you think it was

it might not be mine right

you piece of shit

I just googled prenatal paternity testing

my life is officially out fucking garbage

are you crying please don't tell my wife okay

please

it's not possible for me to want to talk to your wife

any less than I already do

okay here's one

99% accurate results in under a week great

good thank you

I will take care of it alright

it's 16 dollars 16 Kevin

it's fine

I got it

they say chivalry is dead

I got too many kids already Kevin

I can't believe it's almost time

like a kid is so permanent

you know

we'll never not have a kid ever again

hey do you wanna

what do you wanna talk about the other night

do you ever consider that

I may not be what's best for you

that I just keep hurting you oh

where's this coming from

I'm brash I'm selfish

I'm always in a bad mood

I'm a lifetime fuck up

trying to convince the world that I'm not

why would you want that

you're also

smart

funny

beautiful

and undoubtedly gonna own your own restaurant one day

because if there's one thing I know

you always find a way to be the boss

I am bossy

Olivia all my life I've felt like I was no

why ah

you okay

ah

oh shit

okay where do you fall on this scale

you know I'm

hmm

I wouldn't say it's a full smile

OK when they ask though

say because the epidural

be ready faster

like that no

like yeah

that's good like hmm

Urgh Urgh

I could have had epidural

can I just tell them that I'm in pain

yes but also make the face

should I just put a question Mark here or so funny dude

did you tell him no

and I'm hoping that there's nothing to tell

keep your fingers crossed

she's still only 4 cm can I go in

sure hey

hey not to brag

but that nurse and I just got to third base

she's 0 cm dilated if you were curious

haha

do you remember how we first met when you got hired

no no

no just before that

your old manager had that party and Greg brought me

and you and I were waiting in line for the bathroom

making small talk and then the frat bro came over

started hitting on you yeah

as frat guys do yeah

yeah and he asked if you knew the party

you pointed at me and said we were childhood friends

and he looked kind of kind of suspicious

so I said okay

well on

3 let's say the person our high school is named after

and I counted down and said Thomas Jefferson

and you counted down and said Saddam Hussein

which made me laugh so much

and you just kept doing more and more

ridiculous answers about our favorite teacher and

and our first pet and I can't remember

but it was honestly

the most charming thing I've ever seen in my life wow

tried to introduce you to Greg that night

yes yes

and cause you didn't know he brought me

and you thought we'd vibe

which you know

props to you very astute

I may have thought you were gay

huh still on the fence

I take that as a compliment

one day

I wanna tell our daughter the story of how we met

I could have sworn that these things were like

40 minute stops oh

I'm sorry are you bored

cause I've literally

never been more uncomfortable in my entire life

okay but

this is the longest recorded delivery in human history

right she just got here yesterday

okay so no

no obviously I was checking

ah ah

hi there it's happening

I just uh I just got admitted

what you're here uh

now I mean

um

there yeah

sorry I would have called you earlier

but my water hadn't broken yet and I thought it was

you know false alarm

no no

of course

where where uh

where exactly are you in the hospital

labor and delivery not giving birth in the cafeteria

Connor thanks mom

I'm sorry but if you're confused

I'm sure someone could show you where

okay

why are you here already

do you know if I could get a good kombucha around here

great

hi what's up

hi hey

um I think we should probably get going to my room now

dad right

yeah let's go get settled

um Dad

Dad Dad

just leave people alone dad

dad Paul

Paul no

no can we help you

so this is Olivia hey

my life partner my physical life partner

Jenny said you were homosexual

which we completely support

I was drunk we were drunk

it's 2024

what is this

I'm so sorry

oh God God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh my God

oh

my God you son of a bitch

no no

hey what is going on

you keep your hands off of him

you motherfucker she's having Connor's baby too

no oh alright

don't worry no

no no

that can't be that can't be

is this true

look out

Dokter Morris dial 1

8 2 please

Dokter Morris please dial 1

1 8

hello

yeah this is her

sure March 15th, 1993

yeah it's 5

4 2 2

OK yeah I can wait

I should go

oh uh you don't have to leave

I am so sorry for that

I told her she had to tell her parents and she said

she's not yours

why are you saying that

cause it's true

I just found out I swear

I couldn't let you

I'm so sorry

I don't understand

he so wanted her to be yours

he so wanted her to be yours

I know I don't want him

Paul Paul

I think you're in the wrong room

I'm here for the birth of my daughter

I'm not gonna let her down too

okay here we go

take a deep breath

one two

three four

five you're so strong

you got it seven

eight 8

nine 10

it's fine you're doing so well three

four five six

good job good job

you're doing so good good job you're doing so good

okay just one more big push

2 3

4

5

oh my God

Connor I did something

you don't need to do this

do what

like

I don't need to explain or make excuses or apologize

I've just spent the last few hours

on the world's most fucked up

roller coaster of emotions

and I can't deal with another dip

I did something that hurt you

and I would do anything

in the entire world to take it back anything

I don't expect that you'll forgive me or get past it

but I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much

and I wish I said it more often

but I it's not about getting past it

it's about a new reality

remember

I didn't understand that then

I do now

Connor

hi

your baby wasn't his

no

I'm sorry

me too

oh

hey um

remember that time we had sex

yeah

pops up every once in a while

wow

you know maybe maybe we aren't so strange

just two pairs of people accidentally having kids

I wouldn't say I'm part of a pair

yeah me neither

he's gonna come through though

and you're gonna be an amazing mom

just don't know

how many amazing moms start out not ready to be one

probably a lot

you know we can help each other out too right

don't you need a mom friend

we can read mommy Reddit talk about their sore nipples

oh my God forget my nipples

I think my vagina tore straight to my asshole

oh God second degree

yes it's just one hole

wow

she's so beautiful

okay

that is a bachelorette pad haha

it's perfect for you it is

it's perfect for us do you need help moving

oh no

no no

taking Fiona's already the best thing you could do

also if you need a real man

I know that Connor isn't fit for the job

I'm here you've probably seen my delts

I did notice that I would love that

thank you Greg

I kind of just wanted the compliment

I didn't actually want to help

if I'm being honest these are not moving muscles

these are gay muscles they're for show

come on come on Greg I will help you get a test rabbit

surprise

what are you doing here

I bumped into Jenny and Greg

and they said the little sprout was with you

thought they could have a playdate

I don't know how much playing can be done

but I guess they could fidget near each other

and that what you and Greg do

come here wow she is so cute

um how are you

how how's co parenting life

honestly pretty good

half the time it's just my same normal life

the other half

I get to hang out with this little nugget so

not not to say that it's easy obviously

how's it going for you I'm hanging in there

what'd you name her

Fiona nice yeah

pretty it was Jenny's idea

she's attached to it

and I had limited political capital

so what'd you name yours

Alice

I thought that made you think of cans of Tuna Girl

makes me think of something different now

I've been calling you obviously

you know that

I've been calling you and I wanted to give you space

I know

it's all out there you know

no more secrets no more surprises

no one else standing in our way

just us needing to move past this

just you not to point fingers

but I'm ready

what

I don't know if I am

I'm just scared to get hurt

you know

I don't wanna go through that again

a heart

that's afraid to break is a heart that's never used

I think the Dalai Lama said that brilliant guy

so you you were you heard you were there

you realize

you're making your point by admitting to more lying

right but I am making my point uh

no technically it was my point originally so I guess I

I guess I have no choice but to accept

my point is

I'm learning to take care of the things that I love

people like you

don't walk away

Wanna you take one Mark

let's act alright

let's act let's

you're overreacting I'm properly reacting

this is how a normal person react

hey look bit

um uh

you forgot your line yep

we've famously already shared quite a bit together so

Jenny

I need to talk oh fuck

that was probably the least successful abortion

are we shooting yeah

I had no idea I'm so sorry

oh I'm so sorry

that's unconventional first toast

no and they're horny

first date how many pieces do you think

that I could fit in my mouth

what do you mean you're out

good luck kids this is one for the fucking storybooks

bless your soul sweet Jonah

bless you so Jonah's waiting downstairs right

and I'm Connor

fuck okay

but my services as a real man

I know that Jonah

hahaha

do you do you guys like to dance

I fucked up that hey

OK

what are you doing no

that's crazy common Mark

are you kidding me you took fucking chips ha ha ha yeah

well that's spoken like someone who's never felt sorry

I'm so sorry

I hate your dumb stupid fat face and you'd be like

oh fuck me sorry

you you accused him of being uh being uh

oh you've never looked so good honestly

you look so nice Mark what's wrong with you

hmm

you're worried the drive through worker will see me

what I'm sorry

can you guys

um uh

huh I feel like there's a lot of semen

clouding your thoughts is it the tap cake thing

I swear just foam came out at one point like it was

it was bad there's only one thing I want more

than to be your grandmother

God fucking damn it

there's one thing I'm more excited for

there's only one thing I want more

god damn it you can't give me shit for this

we broke up I'm so sorry

what are you doing you looking for your Mark

yeah and I've actually never done this before

so she will she you kind of hold her up right

a little bit more up right

like this sixteen hundred dollars

this is why I have a tear

it's good sorry

get back in there there's other scenes for that

well maybe Olivia Kapadok

what's my name just

hi baby

bye bye bye

bye bye

bye bye bye

I told you that was gonna happen what

what did you think was gonna happen

you just swallow it whole

let us consider the nature of love

I think that every successful relationship finds joy in

the care and the effort

as a collective

speaking of a collective

have you guys heard the story about how Connor

and Olivia and his baby mama all got together

oh no

enjoy the silence what is it honey