Original subtitles

Did you ever wonder how a party like this got started?

Well, first, you have to move from the big city and out into the country.

But you must pick and choose carefully, because one of the main requirements is

that you find a wonderful country doctor that makes house calls.

Hey, Doc.

Doctor, have you seen your nurse?

Saw her a little while ago.

I don't know where she is now. I'm looking for her. I'm feeling kind of

Well, my office hours are from 10 to 12.

Hey, Doc, I ain't that sick.

I'll go find the nurse.

Sick?

I don't call that sick.

Yes, sir.

Life out here is different.

Well, not all that different in some respects.

They like to make love just like the rest of us.

In fact, that's what this party is all about.

You see, the country doc got all these people together.

He was beginning to get a little old and he had to have some help.

This is the doc's new assistant.

No, not his medical assistant.

Just his assistant.

He is not only a voyeur, he was also a doer.

He'd do anything.

And this...

This lovely is the doc's other assistant.

His medical... I mean, his medical nurse.

She would do almost anything, too.

I give up.

All these other people were the Doc's patients.

He loved each and every one of them.

In fact, he not only loved them, he taught them how.

Guess all the pews are full.

Might as well go home.

Making rounds in the hills.

Treating folks for their ills. Instead of getting paid, he gets laid.

Giving vitamin shots, cooling folks with a hot. Instead of getting cash

in, he gets passion.

Whether a stranger or a kin, it's take two aspirins and come again.

They call him a country doctor.

Where is everybody?

Where's Betsy Lou?

In here, Doc.

Where's Betsy Lou?

In here, Doc. Well, assume your normal attitude.

Here comes the doctor.

Uncover.

I'm not a dirty old man.

I'm a dirty old doctor.

You just want to see our boss.

Now, you wouldn't begrudge me that beautiful sight, would you?

If you saw the draggy and hanging sludgy butts that I see every day, you

wouldn't begrudge me a lovely sight like this.

Well, how come all you do is just look at us then? Yeah, nothing else.

But like it says in the funny paper, I like to chase the girls, but once I find

them... You know, I can't forget what to do with them.

Doc. Yeah?

Let us refresh your memory. Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. Just a minute.

No. No, really. You know, you got the wrong man.

You're too late.

You're about too late.

If that's what you want, I'll call my horse.

Let's go find him now. Come on. You lead the way.

Excuse me, ladies, but does this here horse and rig outside belong to any of

you?

Why, no, it sure don't.

Where'd you find the horse?

Down the road a piece.

Just galloping its head off.

I wonder who it belongs to.

It's my horse.

It's my horse.

Just point me to him.

Well, here, Doc, let me help you. Don't you touch me.

Don't you help me.

Just let me out of here.

What happened to him?

I think I'd just like to show you what happened to him.

You wouldn't believe how he tried to help that old man.

He just wouldn't cooperate at all.

Well, I'll show you.

Yahoo!

Three of a kind.

Now that's my kind of poker hand.

Thank you.

Well, now, next time, pick on someone you own size.

Hey, Doc.

Doc, wake up.

Take two aspirin. Come back tomorrow.

Oh, Doc, you feeling okay?

Huh?

What?

Who are you?

Oh, yeah. I'm the one who brought your horse back to you at the place with the

three sisters.

Don't mention them anymore, they ain't.

I sure do.

Well? Well, what is it?

Well, their fasting days are over.

Tell me more. Tell me more.

Hey, you're just what the doctor ordered. Camel board.

What for?

Well...

You got any plans for the rest of the day?

No, nothing special.

Good.

You know, I could sure use your help.

More of what went on back there?

That was just fun and games.

When do you see the next patient?

No kidding.

Doc, you got yourself one hell of a practice.

Well, who needs it?

Should have been a vet.

Just can't take it anymore.

Oh, Doc.

What are you talking about?

You're a grown man.

How old are you, anyway?

Well, I'm 20, going on 90.

Oh, you're just in the prime of your life.

And I want to stay that way.

That's exactly why I want you to come around with me the rest of the day on my

rounds. Hell, Doc, if it's anything like the last stop, it would be my pleasure.

Well, let's see what you say at the end of the day, hmm?

All right. Come on, Smitty. Next stop, Madame Laverne's place.

Madame Laverne?

That sounds French.

It is, my boy.

It is.

Golly. Here,

son. You better hold these rings while I put on my clothes, okay?

Right, Doc.

All right.

Hello there.

You here to see Doc Adams?

Hey. Oh, what's your name, Pete?

Clampart.

Yes, we have you down for a tetanus shot.

This is your first visit.

Would you just please fill out this form?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here's a pen.

Uh, I take it you don't write?

Yeah, that don't bother me none.

Then what's your problem, Mr. Parks?

Oh, well, then I'll take care of it. Come with me right this way.

You sure it's going to be all right?

Why, of course, Mr. Parks.

Trust yourself with me.

Come right this way.

Just right down the hall here, Mr. Parks.

I'll fill this out for you. You just go in and get undressed.

Oh, it's all right. I'm going in here.

Whoa, Smitty.

That's the Laverne house right over there.

So that's the Frenchie's house.

Yep.

You know, since her husband died a year ago, she's been in that house all by

herself. But only me is her only male visitor.

How often do you go, Doc?

Once a month.

Once a month?

Oh, Doc, you could do better than that.

Now, wait a minute. I visit her only to examine her and medicate her. She's got

acute conjunctivitis.

Poor shit.

Ah, I think I better stay here.

Why?

I've been clean all my life, and I ain't getting no French disease now.

Oh, you idiot.

Conjunctivitis is an eye infection.

Wouldn't you get it giving wink off?

Shut up, will you?

And look, now, when we get in there, I want you to stay hidden and be quiet.

me do all the talking. Now, I'll signal you what I want you to do.

My lips will see you.

And shut up, too, will you?

Dr. Laverne?

Doctor, is that you?

Yes.

I had

no

fooling around today, madam.

I've got other patients to take care of. Why, doctor, whatever do you mean?

You know damn well what I mean.

And put on some clothes before you catch pneumonia, too.

Yes, Professor.

Don't pour that French on me. You know damn well what I'm talking about.

Oh, but darling, I don't.

Now just shut your mouth and open your eyes.

Oh.

Hmm.

Is that good or is it bad?

Neither. It's just... Hmm.

When you say might, it gets very frightening.

Now, come on now. No, don't horsing around. No horsing around, do you hear?

I can't get the horsing around.

I'll tell you later.

Later? Okay.

Later will be all right. Open your eyes.

Hmm. Hmm again?

Well, there is some improvement.

These are special eye drops.

Now, hold still.

What is this? I can't see.

It'll only be blurry for a minute.

But, Doctor, I get so frightened, and I can't see.

Well, that's all right.

But, Doctor...

You are the only man who comes here, and I get so lonely. Why don't you stay

this time? Because I want you to stay, darling.

Yes, I do.

It's so lonely, and I can't see, and I'm afraid that somebody might come to my

house. Now, wait, dear, look.

Oh, my dear. Dear, dear, look.

Now, wait, let me up, and I'll get all ready.

My darling, I'm so lonely here, and I'm so frightened, and I cannot stay. I

don't want you to go away from me. I need you.

Well, no, I...

I take you by the neck, my darling. If that's what you wanted, why didn't you

say so? Here, let me take my pants off here.

But that's what you said the last time and you ran away from me. No, truly,

truly. Keep those eyes closed.

You want to go blind?

I keep them closed.

But I hang on to you.

Here, I've got to get up and take my pants off.

Take off your shirt. Yeah, I am.

I'm doing it right now. I hear you.

Here, here.

Now feel.

See? Didn't I tell you?

Didn't I tell you?

Take off your shirt, too.

Keep your eyes shut now. Keep them closed. I keep them closed. Don't do

irreparable damage to those eyes.

No, no.

Be sure to keep them closed.

Oh, I have you, doctor.

You are the best doctor here.

I don't do this for all my patients.

Doctor, this is the best medicine anybody could have.

We'll just keep it a little secret, just between the two of us. No, doctor, I

won't tell a soul.

I had no idea you were so big.

Remember, this is our little secret.

Just shut your mouth and let's be quiet.

But I must go home.

Oh, but this is something I asked you all here for me.

That's right.

I talk.

I talk.

A little more talk.

Oh, talk.

Oh.

Oh, kiss me.

Oh.

Oh, yes, darling.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my God.

Just kill it all.

Do you want to go to Paris with me?

Go to Paris with me when you want.

Do you?

You can put this on when you're ready to come out.

Uh, can you hear me in there, Clem?

Yeah.

Uh, when were you born?

Don't know.

You don't know when you were born?

No. Well, what about your, uh, your mother?

She never told me.

Well, what about your father?

My mother never told him, neither.

Oh, forget it.

You got the gown on yet, Clem? Yeah.

Well, then come on out. Let's get this over with.

Now, Clem, you're supposed to take the clothes off and then put the gown on,

okay? But there's a darn thing that's got a hole in it, see?

It's a dumb thing you tore in half.

I understand, Clem. It's all right, though. You go back in there and take

your clothes and put the gown on, okay?

Clem, are you in there?

Clem?

Clem, if you don't come out of there, I'm coming in.

Okay, okay, hold your horses, lady. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Now, you just back off and you turn around now, you hear?

For heaven's sake, Clem, now I'm a nurse.

I've seen everything there is to see.

This I've never seen before.

You ain't never seen underwear before?

Well, now that I've seen it, would you please just take it off?

Lady, you're blown out of your head.

Look, all I want you to do is just take off this underwear and put the gown on.

Now, lady, you stay away from me. I'm a married man.

I don't care if you're Hugh Hefner. All I want you to do is take off that

underwear and put on the gown. Let me give you the shot and get you out of

underwear off for ten years.

Not since Ma took it off my paw and she gave it to me.

Ma took it off your paw?

Mm -hmm. He didn't need it no more.

How come?

He was dead.

Oh.

No.

So what? I cannot believe your body is so young.

Oh, God. Oh,

God damn.

Oh, yes, Dad.

Oh, yes.

Now, remember, this is our little secret.

Of course, I won't tell anybody.

But, darling, let me feel you just one more time.

Just one more time. One more time before you go. I'm sorry, but I've got to go

now. I've got other patients waiting.

Just, well, but, darling. One more time.

What?

Here I am. Here I am. Just one more time.

One more time.

I didn't know you were so big. I love it. I love it. I know. All right, Tom.

We've really got to go now.

See you next month. Okay. See you next month. Okay.

That's the end of it now.

See you next month.

Ciao. And check on those eyes.

Au revoir.

Doctor, I will see you next month.

And do not forget to bring that nice big fellow with you.

Au revoir.

Hey, what's the matter with that son of a bitch? He crazy?

He sure is.

That's Crazy Crenshaw.

He's one of my more sophisticated patients.

Doc, you sure have a hell of a practice.

He thinks I'm a revenuer.

Until I tell him I ain't.

Well, why don't you tell him?

Not yet.

When?

Now. Got to wait till he reloads.

It's a cutaway. It's me, Doc Adams.

It sure does reload fast.

That ain't Crenshaw.

He's crazy, but he ain't that crazy.

Something's wrong. I can just smell it. What do you mean?

Well, now, Crenshaw only shoots to scare off the revenuers.

Then he stops, and he about lasts himself to death.

Well, he may be laughing, but...

I don't think it's funny.

We best get the hell out of here.

How can we? He's got us pinned down.

Look, I got a shotgun hidden under the floorboard of the buggy. Why don't you

get it?

Me?

Hey, wait a minute, Doc. I'll help you with all your lady problems, but I know

this is different. Okay, chicken. I'll get it myself. All right, all right, all

right. Sit down. You only get yourself killed.

Yeah. I'll go get it.

Most likely would.

Then who'd drink this dub son of a bitch idiots, huh? They all ought to go to

feed anyway Hey Hey you

divert them

This is beautiful.

Just beautiful.

I know it's beautiful, but just shoot it, will you? Not till there's you.

Huh? What you talking about?

You damned idiot, you forgot the bullets.

Give me them four.

Hey, Luke, we got company out here.

You take care of it.

I'm taking care of the company in here.

All right, I'll keep him pinned down while you go around the back and

him. What?

Me barehanded and him with a loaded gun, and you want me to surprise him?

Well, it's always going to work. You're going to sneak up way around behind him.

Get down, grab him by the neck. You sure as hell be surprised.

Not half as much as me.

Come on, crazy. One more time.

I can't. I'm so bad.

You leave me alone.

Oh, you're not old. It's all in your mind. Come on, let me show you how young

you really are.

Honestly,

Crenshaw, I don't believe you're trying very hard.

I can't do it anymore.

You want me to call Moose to help you?

Please.

He won't do any good.

We'll see.

Crazy Crenshaw tied up.

Those others, they must obviously escape with some lunatic for them.

Well, I'm in the mood.

Let's go get Crazy Crenshaw out of there. By God, we'd better before they

him to death.

People are killers.

Try to get away from the sheriff.

Just keep calm now, Crenshaw. You'll be all right.

Ryder here will take care of you.

I'm going to get those others.

Won't be too hard to blow your brains out.

Happy to blind you.

Not you. Keep going.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Blow, blow.

Now turn around.

Slow.

Come on in here.

Hey, hey!

What a hell of an idea.

That really do blow his brains out.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Never mind that show.

Wait till you see the show I'm going to put on.

Yeah, I got a few licks of my own for this kid.

Let's go. Give me my gun!

Hey,

where you guys going?

We got a date with the sheriff.

The sheriff?

Yeah, you tell him we'll be right back.

Entertain him till we get back.

I don't understand.

Please. I admire your efforts.

But every worker's got to take coffee break sometime.

Don't they?

I'll be damned.

I'll be goddamned.

What the hell happened here?

Nothing's broken.

What happened?

The big guy pulled a gun on me.

And then he hit you.

Just hold it.

What do you got to take out?

Same as always.

Take two aspirin and come back tomorrow.

Clem. Clem, now you straighten up. Do you hear me?

I know what you're thinking.

But you ought not to do it now.

Clem.

Clem, Clem.

Clem, I want to mess with your wife!

I've already seen her undressed.

Oh, Clem, come on. Clem. Clem. Clem, I want you to go back in the dressing

huh? And just take off the underwear and put on your gown.

Clem. Okay, I'll do it.

You will.

You will.

Me? Tired?

Whatever do you mean?

All I need is a little rest.

Say, six or seven weeks in bed.

That's the trouble with you and your generation.

You can't take it.

I can take it, all right.

Just my slammer's so sore.

If I even think about going pee, it wants to run away and hide.

Take one of these.

What's this?

What the hell do you care?

Take it. You're going to need it.

Good.

Here, give me a little of that.

Maybe I need a little fortifying, too.

I need some fortifying for her, just to go home.

Nope.

For my next patient.

Your next patient?

All right.

The daughter of Mrs. Spoot.

Stop right here.

Stop this thing. I'm getting out. I'm through.

Hold it there just a minute.

Don't be so anxious. Now, this is going to be an easy one. One shot and we're

through. Yeah, one shot for you, maybe. And then they start on me.

No, that's it, Doc. I like you, but that's it. I'm getting out. Whoa, whoa.

Now, hold on, sonny.

We'll be there directly.

I tell you, Doc, I've had it.

No more.

My pecker's so peckered out.

Now, this is the last call.

When we're through with this, I'll buy you a nice, juicy steak.

Oh, I don't know how you do it, Doc.

If this is the life of a country doctor, you can have it.

my ninth day's job.

What do you do?

Catch rattlesnakes.

Well, it might be safer, but don't you have a lot of problems screwing those

rattlesnakes?

Well, I tried it once after I removed the serum.

Well, what happened?

Well, a bang's gotten in the way.

Really?

Yeah, I guess I'm the only man alive that pisses through two holes.

Get out!

Oh, God.

Well,

good morning, Mr. Smoot.

How are you today?

So much for the amenities.

Is Laurie in there?

You sure she's in there?

Laurie?

God damn it, Mrs. Food, I thought I told you not to tie her up.

Now, don't you be frightened. I'm Doc Adam.

But, Laurie, don't you remember me?

I'm Doc Adam.

I was here last month.

Don't you remember?

Laurie, don't be afraid of me.

I'm here to help you. I'm your friend.

You are not to tie her up. Do you hear?

She's not an animal.

Laurie, please, stop it.

I'm your friend. Now, I must help you.

I'm the doctor. Don't you understand that?

Laurie, please, you must let me help you.

Now, I've got to untie you.

I've got to get you out of here.

I want to put you in a hospital where they'll take good care of you.

Look, she's sick. She needs medical attention.

10 a .m.

It's not something a few shots will take care of.

She needs hospital care.

Look at her.

I'll be damned.

A streaker.

Hey, boy.

Did you see that girl come by here?

Every day she wins that -a -way.

Well, go get her. Go get her. We got trouble.

Oh, no. Not again, Doc.

I just ain't up to it. Look, do you want that girl's death on your conscience?

Now you go find her and meet me up on the road.

Sometimes I think you're crazier than all the rest of them, Doc. Get going!

Oh, God.

I'll meet you up on the road.

I ain't gonna hurt you. God damn, what a hellion.

What?

Didn't your mama teach you no manners?

God damn.

You know what?

Now you just calm down.

Oh, golly.

Oh.

Here we go now. Don't you move, though, because you'll throw me off.

Do it easy now. I'm too tuckered out.

Well, this will bring back a little light to you.

I'm too tired to even move, so just go ahead.

Here it comes.

Okay, it's almost through now.

All right, now wipe it off with a cotton swab.

There we go.

Now, it's all through.

Now, let me just... That's what you think.

Boy,

that cop sure did put some life into it.

Swing the girl, then bow to the partner. Left corner, two -way to the girl.

Cross from you and whoa, right there.

That's it.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

That's the way things are in the country.

Lots of a good life.

You might give some thought about moving out this way.

Especially if you'd like to be a doctor's assistant.

I don't think this one will last too long.

He may not be able to take two aspirin and come again.

Can you?