Original subtitles

If I cannot bring you comfort,

then at least

General Zeebo, I'm Owen Owens.

I'm sorry for the note of urgency in the telegram, but we don't think he has

much longer.

Actually, of course, he shouldn't even be here today.

But you know your brother.

The doctor is his life. What's the status on Kenneth's condition?

He could go at any time.

Is that confirmed, or is that just scuttled by... Oh, no, no, no. The

are in agreement.

It's imminent.

It was a heartbreaking decision to make, but I had no choice.

I'd always planned to turn the reins of the business over to my son, Les, or

even my daughter, Alsatia, but he's just not prepared at this time for that kind

of responsibility.

And she's, well... That's why I wanted to see you before I die.

I have a proposal to make.

I know you were always Father's favorite.

You followed in his footsteps, and I didn't.

But I made this company what it is today, and I'm proud of that fact.

And I'm not about to let it die with me.

I want you to take over the presidency of Zebo Toys.

And give up the military?

Yes.

I know you haven't been happy since Vietnam.

They gave it away, Kenneth.

Let's face it, Leland.

Your glory days are over.

Your great war is never going to come.

It would be a shame to let your leadership qualities go to waste.

You want me to give up my commission and step into your shoes?

I think it would be well worth your while.

But more importantly, it's a new challenge, Leland.

A chance for you to be your own man for once in your life.

A place to be appreciated.

What do you think?

Total control of the company.

What about Alsatia and Leslie?

Well, I'd like them to remain with the company.

They love it. It's their world.

And I hope one day, with your help, Leslie will be able to succeed you when

retire.

You see, he just doesn't have the ambition to...

Oh, dear.

I'll call the paramedics, sir.

Dorothy, call the paramedics, quickly.

What's going on here?

Are you all right, Kenny?

It's his heart. After his operation last year, he hooked up his beating

propeller to his pacemaker.

It's sort of an early warning signal.

It's whimsical, Leland.

Medic!

Kenneth.

I beg you to reconsider your decision.

Owens, my brother holds the key.

The key to Leslie finally growing up.

Kenneth, it's such a terrible risk to take.

I mean, your son is such a... A flake.

I know.

So am I.

Leslie? Alsatia? Ready?

You finished tidying up?

Yeah. The limousine's waiting.

I'd rather drive Dad's car, if you don't mind, Owen.

this gentle man goes to his final rest, leaving behind him a legacy of innocence

and laughter.

When the child of today becomes the peace -loving citizen of tomorrow, he

be partially indebted to this great man.

And yet, when I say man, I mean in body only, for he

was the eternal child.

And all of us.

The sorrow that we feel.

The sorrow that we feel.

The sorrow that we feel, however...

Good

one, Dad.

The sorrow that we feel is tempered, however, in the knowledge that

angels somewhere... are trumpeting this man's tin horns.

Tin horns, I like that. Tin horns are fun.

Don't you think we should take out the barrel of laughs?

No, Owen. Dad would want us to leave it. The batteries will run out in a few

hours.

I just love that. Tin horns.

It just stays with me.

I know what you mean.

Yes, sir.

I want a complete tour of the factory first thing in the morning.

Yes, sir.

I love my

job.

He loves his job.

Oh, I'd leave her.

Stomp the engine.

Pump the water.

Build the pressure.

Push the piston. Press the button. Pump the water. Build the pressure. Push the

piston. Press the button.

It's the perfect job.

Education and earring or something will bring attention to them if these people

are missing it. That's a very interesting thing. Are we making fun of

with big ears here? We're making fun of people with small heads.

Either way, I think we're going to get letters from the royal family. I think

it's not good.

Can we make the fingernails feel good?

That's a nice fight.

Well, then it's kind of like us. It's too shiny.

I have General Zebo with me. Great. We're just watching some of the novelty

tests right now. Care to join us?

No.

Very good.

Letter on the leash and then the poop dispenser. What do you think? Maybe crap

in a can.

And it.

Oh. A bath product, shampoo.

Do people really want to take poop in the tub with them? Only if it floats.

Well, we've all done it.

This is not a shared experience.

They get paid for this?

He's just wondering something's wrong with this dog.

What?

What's out there, sir?

She likes to wear clip -on clothing and dolls waged to work.

She insists on trying everything out on herself first.

Very, uh, dedicated.

Do any bird?

Let's get this over with.

Oh,

everything's all set for you to see.

The fabrics are here.

The doll prototypes are here.

Some of the new fashion illustrations are right here. Not interested in such a

stuff. Oh, well, don't you want to see some of the new doll designs?

I think they could be very endearing.

Lunch,

anyone?

I'm in the mood for smoked chicken. How about you?

Smoke? That's funny. Thank you. Is that you, Alsatia?

What is it?

It's a smoking jacket.

It's our new novelty slash apparel thing. Well, that's a great deal of fun,

Leslie. But can't you put yourself out now?

I wish I could, Owen.

Let me find the off button.

I think a boat's coming up.

It's a large boat. Owen, take the women and children. I'll go down with the

general. General, light boat.

That's better. Remind me.

Make a note.

Make off button.

accessible. There it is.

Well, General, now you've seen the factory, what do you think?

You ready to take over Zeebo Toys?

It's one decision I cannot make on my own.

I have to see somebody else first.

Come along, Owens.

Owen, Owen, who did he have to see? I believe he's going to see his father.

Granddaddy thought he was dead.

Oh,

I know, I know. You're a four -star general, I know. You have four stars to

three. Every time I come here, you turn that cursed light on to remind me, to

humiliate me. I could have had four stars, Daddy, if it wasn't for this

British accent of mine.

You would have to be stationed in England during my formative years. It's

fault. I've never been taken for a real American.

Oh, I went to see a linguist, yes. I went to see a dialect coach.

And the best I can do is, you men staying over there are a minor tension

until further notice.

They didn't buy it.

Yeah,

well, look, I need your advice, Daddy.

You see, just before Kenny died, he asked me to take over his company.

No,

no, you don't understand, Dad. You see, there's a serious problem with the

military right now.

It's whether it's worth the cost or not, the economics.

Hell, communism just went into the toilet and the whole damn budget fell

the military.

The military is not what it once was.

There won't be another war, not the kind we know. War has changed.

You can't even trust your own troops anymore.

Why, Daddy, in Vietnam one night, one of my own men tried to

frag me.

Oh, you see?

I was... No!

No, I said frag me. He tried to shoot me.

Understand, Daddy. I'm not giving up on the military.

The military gave up on me.

Change sides.

I can't change sides, you silly old fart.

There's no sides to change sides to.

I've got no options left. I'm out of a job.

Look, please.

Please, Daddy. What the hell am I going to do? Will you tell me that?

Daddy, what am I going to do?

Daddy.

Should I take over Kenny's business?

You're free tonight, Debbie.

Go on, Newmont.

To achieve Kenneth's vision of the future, we must continue to modernize,

not just for the sake of modernization.

It requires the integration of new concepts and new designs with the

our employees and new technologies and with new equipment.

However, Kenneth felt very strongly that some of the older toys are unique

because we've never attempted to update them in pursuit of perceived trends.

To guide this modernization, we need to have and initiate fundamental

functional area plans for modernization to link the past with the future.

Fred, I think you want to take over this point.

Thank you. We've been getting good play from the new Mr. Minky doll.

It's a leader and a unique doll in the marketplace.

Our home video games are doing exceedingly well.

That's a fabulous game. It's much better than Mr. Squirt's night out.

Fred, I haven't heard anything on the T -3100 racer.

Where are we in the development of that?

I'll answer that.

Well, we've been holding on that because apparently some of the advanced plans

for the T -3100 appear to be incorporated into Axel's new toy designs

mini racer, which would lead us to the marketplace.

This is an unfortunate setback. We're sure those plans were leaked to Axel.

Leaked?

Did somebody say the plans were leaked?

Oh, every so often, a degree of industrial espionage, so to speak, does

Espionage.

Owens, will you give me a moment of your time, please?

Yes, sir.

They come out with a toy called Carnival Joe.

You can add your own fingers and teeth.

Oh, I don't know. Sir,

we're in the supply closet.

Are we really? Now, tell me about the espionage problem.

Well, General, let your voice down.

Well, General, the stealing of toys... I can't hear you.

Well, General... I still can't hear you.

Well, General, the stealing... All right. That's fine. Let's go.

The stealing of toy designs is not unusual in this business.

You see, we're not set up to protect ourselves.

I know the perfect man to deal with this espionage trouble.

Who? Patrick Thiebaud, my son.

I must apologize for my son.

He's usually very punctual.

Where is he coming from?

Alsatia. He's with Covert Operations.

So let's just leave it at that, all right?

Can it be, General?

Yes, perhaps I will.

The deviled eggs look good, don't they?

Oh, that's a quick egg, isn't it?

Oh, look at that egg scramble. Get the little egg side.

Talk about fresh. These are rude.

These eggs are bad things, aren't they?

Maybe they really are deviled eggs.

Look at that.

That's a death.

Wave over to Diablo.

Wave yourself.

Get away from here. You must go away from here. Quickly.

Get some toothpicks. Make a cross. Don't you see what's happening?

Don't suck my yellow.

Quick, save yourself from these appetizers from hell.

Quick, run.

Tell the village.

Oh, look at that.

Stand back. It's going to spit.

I can't control myself any longer.

How do you do that?

Magnets. It's one of Dad's favorite novelty items.

You're as big a fool as your father ever was.

You really think so?

Thank you.

I'm getting very hungry. I want my dinner now.

And let me?

Self is hungry, too.

Patrick, my son.

Dad.

It was wonderful.

That's a neat trick.

I don't play tricks, let me. You twerp.

Patrick's in camouflage, so he can have full surveillance of the situation

before his presence is known. That right, Pat?

100 % dad.

Is that all you're having?

White bread's the worst thing you can eat.

No, just that it's very soft and pliable. It slides down the system

disturbing anything.

There's no nutrition in that sandwich.

Yes, there is.

Vitamin pills.

Well, something's working because you always look the same age to me.

Patrick, do you remember when you stayed here when you were a kid?

I'll never forget. I told your mother never to leave you here. When was that?

That time you called and had her join you in Vietnam.

That's right.

She never came back.

I'm sorry.

You loved her very much, didn't you?

That's right.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it, because Dad did everything he could to save

her, didn't he? That's right, son.

Dee Dee was a wonderful woman, but Appendicitis was a respecter of no one.

By the time we knew something was wrong... Well, I never forgive myself,

Patrick. I know, I know.

That's just vitamin B complex.

It's a vitamin E. I really have the problems with.

Gelatin caps will get stuck in between my teeth and the stuff inside.

Mixes with the mayonnaise and... Enjoying the wine, General? Oh, it's

fine.

It's a good Bordeaux, isn't it?

It's got a good nose.

Would you like some more?

I can't get enough of it.

Patrick, now that you've joined the ranks of Zeebo Toys, what are your plans

the situation?

Patrick's bringing in a special force to assist him.

We'll begin with the interrogation of every man and woman at the company.

After that, we'll set up a security system so no one could leave or enter

without our knowledge.

Can we get to wear badges?

Photographic identification.

I'd take a very nice picture.

As for me, Les, I'll be meeting with our designers so we can begin production of

our new line.

A new line?

I'm new to dealing with the idea of putting in some war toys.

You've never made war toys at Civo.

That's most unusual.

It's a natural idea for you to make war toys.

Well, we never really did because Dad didn't like the idea of war toys. He

thought that war was the domain of the small penis.

Well, is that so, Leslie?

Well, I'd be most grateful, Leslie, if you would assist me in this area.

That all right?

Sure. Dad, to war toy. War toy.

What do you think of my bringing Leslie into the new war toy department?

Smart tactical maneuver.

I thought you'd see it that way.

Like you always said, treat your friends like your enemy, and your enemies like

your friends.

Dad? Yeah?

Tell your driver to stop here.

Why? I'm getting it. You don't know where you are. That's right.

Always in training, huh?

100%. See you in the morning.

That's my boy.

chased the rat all day till they finally found each other's name.

What? I don't understand.

Well, it's a fable.

No, no, no. I don't understand why Daddy let Uncle Leland take over Zevo Toys.

I don't know. He'd think he would have left Owen in charge.

Or you.

No, Dad knew better.

Well, one thing I know is strange, and that man is strange.

How are you going to work with him, especially on war toys?

Sometimes it's better to dress up like a lamb to tempt the wolf.

Oh, I see. Just like Daddy always said, treat your friends like your friends and

your enemy like your enemy.

Yeah, use your noodle.

Good night.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Night night, Anastasia.

Thank you.

I'm sure you're aware that we're doing some routine checks with each employee

determine if there's an internal security breach.

Would you mind if I ask you a few questions? No, not at all.

So that's it. Six weeks of work.

And that's all you've come up with? These are just preliminary drawings just

give you an idea of what direction we're moving into.

Come in, Lesley.

Sorry I'm late.

I had a little problem with my ID check.

Maybe we did live near a top that don't know where to get.

This is our new body of clown coat.

It works for mercury switches and movement.

Sit down, Lesley.

Sit down, Lesley.

You behave like a buffoon.

Buffoon? Oh, very interesting word. I wonder what the derivation of that is. I

love entomology of words. Maybe it's a combination of balloon and buffalo.

Or maybe buffer and fool.

Maybe it's from the Latin word, bubba mater, he who carries the pickle.

All right, Miss Drum, is that the extent of what you had to show the general?

Miss Drum.

Yes, it is.

In terms of military toys, do you consider this competitive with other

companies? With most of the products, definitely.

What do the rest of you think?

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think this is baby shit.

compared to what other companies have on the market. I want realism, I want

imagination, I want excitement.

Sir, I... All right, you're all excused now.

Out you go.

Do you think you were a little rough on them, General? I don't think that was

necessary, really. They're civilians.

They're employees.

This wasn't a social call.

I understand that, but they've been with the company for years. They're like

family members. That's enough, Leslie.

You're right. I should get the cream for my coffee. I really do need some cream.

Thank you very much.

Can I get you anything, Owen? Maybe a Cousin's Roll, honey butter?

Anything for you?

Ooh, a cruise missile, something like that?

Automatic weapon?

All right, all right, all right.

I'll work this out eventually. It's really just easy looking, but I've got

work cut out, Ellen.

I'm surrounded by fools.

I've been a bad boy.

Are you Mr. Quintile?

We're doing some routine questions. We'd like you to cooperate, all right?

Okay.

Is there any duplicating going on around here when you're not present?

Uh... Huh?

Yeah, maybe.

Do you duplicate alone?

I think that's kind of a personal question. You're laughing, Miss Tiley.

taking my duplication investigation seriously?

Or are you disrespecting my duplication investigation? No, no, I'm not

disrespecting. I'm just saying that there's no real way I can check, you

because I leave at a certain time.

I'm not... Duplicating is taking place.

And when duplicating takes place, that means that there's more than one.

There may be two or three, Miss Tyler.

Two, three, or four.

Y 'all are joking.

Are y 'all kidding with me? I'm talking about duping.

Duping.

Duplication.

I just work here.

You in charge of duplication?

Yes, sir.

Show me how the duplicating machine works.

I want to learn all about the process.

Duplication. You understand that?

And that means whatever was duplicated... What the hell's going on

Security check.

Everything looks pretty secure to me.

Just clean. Let's go.

I'll see you later, cousin. Oh, yeah, I'll chill, Will.

Hey.

I can come out now.

That can't be good for your hair.

You can come out now.

Sorry,

I'm fine. It's all right. I'm okay. Okay.

You're new here, aren't you?

Yeah.

Listen, I know you're a little upset, but you've got to let it go or get over

it. Pick one of those.

Anyone. Who was that man?

Well, that's my cousin. I'll tell you what, I can't...

What? I just can't believe the treatment around here. Well, I'm sorry, isn't it?

How about a little smile or something?

Look at these. Wait a minute. Is this what you're up to?

Arts and crafts.

This is fabulous.

Look at that face. Come on, is that a great face or what? That's Michael

before and after. I've never had surgery.

Never, ever.

You have a look like a deer in front of a Peter Belt. Kind of.

Hit the brakes, Al. Hit the brakes.

I love this one. This is a very attractive one.

This one should go on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Not the swimsuit

but the boxing.

I should have never gotten in the ring, but I will take him in three rounds. I

want the belt to go with my purse.

See?

There you laugh, and that's good.

Hi, how are you?

I'm Leslie Zeebo.

I know.

You're back. Welcome to the living.

You're silly.

I'm very silly, but that's what I do for a living.

What kind of sandwiches do you have today, Joe?

Oh, salmon cheese, turkey, chicken salad, shrimp salad.

You know, Joe, I'm very disappointed that you never once had an applesauce

sandwich on your menu.

Applesauce? Miss Levo, the sandwich will get all soggy.

Oh, I don't mind.

I'll make you one tomorrow, okay?

Okay, thank you very much.

I'll just go ahead and have a mayonnaise sandwich again today, then.

Thank you.

Is this seat taken?

No.

Do you

like my security badge?

It's very nice.

I told you I take a good picture.

That you did.

What's the matter? Don't you like your lunch?

I hate it when food touches me.

You know, you remind me a lot of my brother.

Impossible way of saying that. That's what I mean. He's all silly and soft on

the outside, and on the inside he's really strong, and you're just the

Hi, Joe. Hi. Can I have the tender salad, please?

Here you are. Thank you.

Getting the tuna. I hope that's dolphin safe Joe how

long do you think she can be out of the water?

I'm so glad he finally discovered her

I think love is wonderful.

You know, your mother once said to love... Can we talk about something else

besides my mother? I forgot. I know what a delicate subject that is with you.

I can't even eat.

The food keeps touching.

I like military plates. I'm a military man. I want a military meal.

I want my string beans to be quarantined.

I like a little fortress around my mashed potatoes so the meatloaf doesn't

invade my mashed potatoes and cause mixing in my plate.

I hate it when food touches me.

I'm a military man.

You understand that? And don't let your food touch you either, please.

No calories.

Oh, that's good. Because if I have a whole calorie, I just blow up. I get

blows. Do you? Two or three calories, and I'm like the Michelin Man.

Oh. Put on that much weight. Do you have that problem? No, my mama does. Oh,

really? Yeah, I mean, I usually don't drink this kind of stuff, artificial

sweeteners. I like plain old soda, you know? Oh, yeah.

I mean...

Sugar can't hurt you, really. I mean, I once did an experiment where I put a

little sugar down and a little artificial sweetener, both on the

then within a minute, ants are all over the sugar. They're just doing the little

ant dance. And by the artificial sweetener, they've actually put a

and they have little ants in hard hats going, keep on, move on through, move on

through.

Where are you from?

Right here, like what I've done with it.

Were you born in here? No, I was not born here, no.

I was born in the back of a bumper car.

That's what's wrong with you, I think.

That's it.

It's a boy.

Hi.

This is your boy.

You don't have a lip.

Well, I'm working on that.

That's an insecure face. Well, yeah, that's a face of two people.

Who don't like themselves.

No, they can be okay with it. Yeah. They just don't, if they kiss, they

basically, you know. They bump teeth.

Yeah, and they hurt each other and then they lock jaws.

Then they feel bad about each other. They do. And now, you know, then they're

like two lizards in the sun.

Yeah, that's it.

That's attractive.

Isn't it?

That's the type of face you basically want to go.

Bye. Time out.

I don't think I've laughed this much in years.

Me too.

You know, you ever get that thing where you just laugh like, oh, God.

He's just kidding.

These are a lot of fun.

Put your finger in there.

Don't be afraid.

These are good for laughs.

Why is it bodily functions are always funny? Well, I think it's because, you

know, it's like... I

mean...

Where are we going? Into town.

I want to see what the competition's doing.

Good idea.

I'll take the back way.

Ow!

You okay, Dad?

No problem.

I'm just practicing.

Practicing? For what?

Later in the day, Leslie likes to come in here and we sing.

You sing in the ladies' room?

Acoustics, good acoustics.

In the still.

Oh, you see?

I just don't understand the two of you.

Well, we love to sing and do moves.

And, of course, she likes to joke around a lot. And that makes me laugh.

Let me go get something to eat.

In the still. Am I tired?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, come on, everyone sounds good right here.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

In the still.

In the still of the night.

I held you, held you so tight.

Oh, I don't think you should do that again.

I'm so glad you appreciate him.

Maybe it would be better as a duet.

Yeah. Maybe your voice will sound a little more acceptable that way. Okay.

In the still.

I'll say if I haven't lost my touch.

Right, now, okay, what do we got here?

Helicopter's 500 points. Tank's 300 points.

What's the penalty here?

Minus 1 ,000 for shooting a U .N. truck.

That's an awfully big penalty for hitting a United Nations truck.

Give me a quarter, Pat.

I'll put it in.

the u .n oh god damn u .n now they have no business being there always whether

or not wanted i'm gonna get that tons of pictures right

That's what we'll call it, the woozy helmet.

What do you think about it? Oh, I think it's a winner.

You really do? Oh, yeah.

Oh, you bet. I didn't know where I was, and then I was coming up through the

thing, and then I thought I was going to fall off, and I felt seasick, and...

It's just a prototype. It's going to get better.

I think this is some of your best work.

Oh, thanks.

You know what?

You put in a different cartridge, you can have an entirely different

in height, sound, and smell.

I mean, you could take an incredible ride, never have to leave the safety of

your own helmet. I mean, take trips, not have to lose your bags.

I think Danny would be very proud of you.

Thanks, Al.

Hugo.

This is a little uncomfortable, though.

Well, that's supposed to go in your ear.

Oh.

You want to take another trip? Oh, yeah. Okay, here we go.

We don't have anything like that. I asked my designers for decent war toys.

gave me diddly -squat.

Well, all the companies had a head start. They've been designing war toys

years. I don't have years.

Gotta get on with it. Time's ticking.

Gotta push these designers.

Stop the vehicle.

Stop the vehicle.

I've been here before.

I know it. I'm sure of it.

Perhaps in another lifetime.

Or maybe even in a battle.

You were probably here with Kenny. I guess you guys played here together when

you were kids, Dad.

Oh.

No, thank you.

Just learning?

Yeah, yeah.

A little long in the tooth for training wheels.

You drive all the way out here just to insult me?

Oh, au contraire, ma chère. This is my way home.

No, it isn't.

How about this?

No, how about this? Can you get over? Because you're hogging the road.

You're hogging the road.

Come on, let me give you a lift and I'll teach you how to ride that bike.

Why? Just want to get laid.

No. Oh, my daddy would just have a field day with you.

I bet I'd be swinging from some tree with you.

Yeah. Yeah.

No.

I like you.

Well, I like you, too.

That's why we shouldn't see each other.

Why?

You don't take things very seriously, do you?

What do you mean? Take things seriously? What about the bat?

Of course I take things seriously.

Like what?

Well, like save the whales when interesting prizes.

I've found that.

Okay,

well, how about this?

You know the general?

Well, I'm going to have a confrontation with him.

Because I don't want them to make war toys anymore.

I'm going to get him to change his mind.

You serious?

No, yes, really.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe. See what I mean?

There is no hope.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Seriously, if I convince the general no war toys, will you let me take off your

training wheels?

I'll think about it.

Ever wonder why an airplane has to be a certain size?

Because somebody has to get inside it, right?

Right. What happens if you don't need a pilot?

What happens if you just have remote control planes that carry deadly

You saw it back there at the store.

There were toy tanks, toy planes.

Can you imagine what it'd be like if we perfected a toy -sized plane that had

deadly fighting capabilities?

Little remote -controlled planes. Yes!

You saw those kids back there at the arcade.

Those kids have better hand -eye coordination than any pilot you'll ever

Little children can fly remote -controlled planes.

Patrick, it's only the weaponry that's missing.

Can you imagine the savings if we reduced the cost of planes? Say, $450

apiece down to $5 ,000. That's what I'm talking about.

The military today, Pat, costs too much. I'm talking about a cheap military.

An inexpensive military for the future. You can't eliminate the military. So you

have to have a military you can afford.

Little tank, little plane, little helicopter.

Toy -sized military with deadly fighting weapons.

You give me half a billion dollars for the cost of one stealth bomber, I'll

you one million toy -sized planes.

And I guarantee you one thing, Pat.

No one's going to spot them on the radar screens.

Hey, you remember that kid flew a beach nut right into Red Square?

Beach crap.

What? He flew a beach crap, not a beach nut. Oh, beach crap, beach nut, beach

blanket, beach ball, beach bum. What difference does it make?

He flew the plane right into Red Square.

Do you remember those kids with the video screens blowing things up? What

difference does it make if it's real or false?

It's all the same to them. It's all the same on the video screen.

It's just another game to them. It's warfare without a counter.

It's the greatest concept ever known.

It's brilliant.

I ride like a phoenix from the ashes to greatness.

Me, the greatest military genius the world ever known.

Follow. We start building the littlest almada known to mankind.

See? Lay land.

Elena! Steve -O!

Wahey!

Let that be a lesson to you.

Always carry a flare.

Owen, I always feel like I'm witnessing the last temptation of Barbie.

Well, uh, this model's holding up nicely.

The only way a child could pull this one apart is if he took it to a tractor

pull.

May I speak to you?

Certainly. I'm private.

By all means, jump in.

Carry on, Owen.

General, this is the first time in my life I've given something.

Help!

Why don't you watch where you're going, you great egghead?

Let's go.

Oh, no, don't. You should stop or you'll be guilty if you hit and run.

Always run when you hit.

General? Yes, Leslie? I think it would be a terrible mistake for us to make war

to you. Oh, you do, do you? Yes.

We have a tradition of whimsy for Eskimo toys.

Dad began that tradition with Milton the Friendly Elephant, and it carries all

the way through the new line. And the woozy helmet.

And to make it manufacture military toys would be a philosophical contradiction.

It would be like an Amish video game. And I cannot support that.

You're absolutely right.

Absolutely.

Absolutely, absolutely, and absolutely. Thank you. Thank you very much. You

know, I have to be honest with you, Les. I thought the war toy department was a

good idea.

But I see now it would take too long.

It would be a difficult task to establish a department that's never

the company.

A bit like going against the grain.

Why tamper with the traditions of this farm?

That's my thinking exactly.

Oh, hallelujah and goodbye.

You know what I'd like to do, Les?

No, Lee, what? I'd like to have a little more space to myself.

Develop a few toy ideas of my own. Oh, ideas.

Noodle about, they say.

Noodle? Noodle.

Yes, just noodling, noodling, noodling. Ah, well, I'd like to do that.

Hello? How's it going?

Fine, fine.

I might need a little more space, though.

Okay, sure, go ahead.

Thank you.

We're going to need a teeny bit more space.

We're going to all fit cramps in here.

We're going to need...

People,

this is some very innovative vomit.

Except this one. It looks like you could put maybe a nice piece of carrot and a

pea there to kind of draw your eye to it, don't you think? Yeah, I agree with

you. It should have more consistency to it.

You know, since your uncle started his private project, the budget for novelty

items has been cut in half. Are you telling me we don't have money for peas

carrots anymore? Come on, now, that is a classic.

Without it, it's not funny. It's almost frightening.

Peas and carrots are traditional. No one's going to buy vomit without them.

Well, what about noodles or spaghetti? They're pretty cheap to make.

Well, normally you don't feed noodles and vomit.

Have you ever been to the pasta barn?

No. You know what?

In order to be competitive in the world market, maybe we need more of an

international knowledge here.

You know, something... Can we cater to Asian people, please? That would make me

very happy. I mean, this vomit is very Anglo, very ethnocentric. This is

obviously the vomit of the white man.

It's impressive.

Well, we can have something like the teriyaki toast.

That's a Bavarian blow.

That's very interesting, but too much. I mean, there's a lot going on here. You

know, it titillates me, and to me, that's the wrong reaction. Yeah, this is

almost like grail. In a field door mail market. Is this room getting smaller or

am I bloated?

I don't know.

We're being attacked by a crossword puzzle.

I like this one very much. Well, yes, that's our Oktoberfest model, the

bratwurst and knockwurst, the bratflat.

How'd it taste?

Very well, 90%, highly recommended.

What's the gag factor?

Instantaneous. We are working here!

What is this?

That's a tofu toss.

It's very nice. I mean, that's no work for the kosher people to see the key.

do we have coconut and mushrooms here?

This is diarrhea. This doesn't belong here. We'll send over to Peter in the

department.

This is ham and pineapple.

Yes, we're calling that Maui Chawi or the Don Ho Eve. I like that. That's very

colorful. What's that?

That's our duck sausage and cilantro. We call it the Whooping Chuck.

And look, there's the Wyatt Earp. I love that one. Ah, but we added okra. Now

it's the Bible Belt. Very nice.

What the hell is going on here?

Sorry, Les. The general needed more room.

Didn't mean to scare anyone.

You guys need to change your diet.

How much room does he need?

Well, it's not just a matter of space.

We're losing valuable people every day.

Small designers just quit. What could he be building that takes this much room?

Is he building Paul Bunyan toys?

I don't think it's a matter of working big.

Leslie, look down there.

More of them arrive every day.

We'd better make you something very cute or I'm going to be really annoyed.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy, I need you.

The general closed down my department, and Owens is afraid, and Leslie's been

doing anything, and nobody knows what anybody else is doing, and there's all

these new people, and...

All these old people are quitting, and remember Faye McIntyre, the one who used

to paint the lips on the alligators? Well, she's gone. Can you believe it?

McIntyre's gone.

If something doesn't happen really soon, we're all going to be in this

shithouse.

Alastasia?

I think you know I don't use that term very loosely, and I most often mean it.

Boy, those are great batteries.

Leslie. I know. I heard about it. They closed down my office.

I know.

Are you going to do something about it?

What is happening here?

The fish is upset?

She's so fragile. I mean, I don't know what to do.

I mean, I got him to stop making war toys, but he is up to something. I want

know what he is doing next.

I think we're a little early for the parade.

You have enough healing?

Oh.

I like that one, Bob. Here he comes. It's the incredible Yuppie Float.

Why don't you ask him?

What do you mean?

Why don't you...

Just go up to him and say, what are you doing?

Get out of here.

Just go up and ask the general directly what he's doing. Cut through the fabric

of our very society of obtuse and avoidance.

I mean, where did you get off? That is rare out there.

No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. I need a glass of champagne. Would you like one?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

How about a little more champagne?

Whoa.

Stick around. You may be too tired to walk back.

There you go.

Just a tad.

Just a hair of the dog.

Toast? Melvin.

Your daddy was right.

What? He told me I'd like you.

You met my dad?

When he hired me.

My father hired you?

Mm -hmm.

The day before he passed away.

Handpicked.

I don't know why.

Maybe I do know why.

Pick a state.

Yeah.

New York.

Wrong.

Pick another one.

California.

Really wrong.

What the hell is

that?

You're absolutely right.

I've got to walk right up to him and ask him what's going on.

Tomorrow.

Busy right now.

Maybe I'll fax him.

Damn. Took the horses.

I'm going to have to walk back.

General?

General?

Hello? General?

I need some answers.

Fire away, lad.

Will you tell me what's going on in the restricted area? No.

I was wondering if you'd give me a sneak preview of the new area. No.

Besides, I don't want you to laugh at my efforts. You being a consummate toy

maker, me being a novice, so to speak.

I have to run along, you know. But before you go, I'm curious to know, why

you hiring children? Children?

Little people. You saw little people? I think so. I was looking down from my

window and I think... Ah, that you're angry. You're looking down on them.

Look, all I know is that they're a little small, not to scale. Oh, couldn't

If you're in an Empire State Building looking down, people look like ants.

thing here. If you're looking from the third floor window, people look very

smaller. That is it.

General.

Let's see, Owen.

I've got the security card.

Get us into the restricted area.

That's a coup.

Isn't it?

But the problem is, getting down that corridor, past the surveillance camera.

That's me.

Leslie, have you any idea at all how we're going to get down the corridor?

MTV.

MTV.

Uh,

Chimera, would you check if anyone handed in my glasses? I can't see a

without them. Sure, Mr. Owens.

Harvey, you want to look in your drawer, too?

Sorry,

thank you can't find his glasses like they're in my drawer

To less than 500 yards.

Reduce speed to one -third. And stand by the reverse engines.

All right.

Who are they?

This is Delandra and Steve.

Looking back at what there will

be. There's no reality, just an illusion.

There's no real sanity, just plain...

If this is regular TV, then what is this?

MTV.

I think it's passed into the cable.

How the hell did we get passed into cable?

I don't know.

Military base.

What type of thing is a military base?

People, army, tank.

What the hell is that?

That showed it.

There, that's you. Wow!

It worked! I told you it would work!

Leslie!

Leslie, you playing around?

I have to talk to the Washington boys.

The time has come.

Leslie, you playing around?

No, forecast calls for showers later this evening.

There's a madman at the factory and it's no longer me.

What?

You want to tell me about it? Well, Fish and I broke into the restricted area.

We actually danced and saw children playing video games.

And there's this thing that since my liberation tried to kill me.

I'm warming myself in front of a fake fire.

Something is not right.

Very wrong.

What is wrong? What happened? I found this room full of children. They're

playing video games, actually war games.

Captain Zeebo, Captain Zeebo, come in.

That's Captain Zeebo. Come in, Baker. Can I have your position, please?

That's been an inappropriate question at this time, Baker.

We have a position on Lashley, sir.

Report, please.

He's at the residence of Miss Tyler.

I hope you don't think this is bushy.

Do you mind if I spend the night?

Yeah, looks like it's getting on.

Yeah, cut to the chase, Ace.

Yeah, there it is. All right, it's on now. Here it is.

It's all right, man.

It's all right. What happened?

Fix it, man. It was getting hot, man. Fix it.

Do anything.

You're always messing up, man. I didn't do nothing.

Did you bring the manual?

This doesn't come with a manual.

Yo, what is that?

Yo, what was that?

What's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing's going on. Actually, I think they're sleeping.

What does he know?

Well, I don't think he's seen enough, or at least not enough to make any sense

out of it anyway.

Well, listen up. We're making some arrangements to meet with the Washington

to discuss the general's new military.

I want it to be a maximum security situation.

We're lucky that Leslie didn't find out anything.

For this Washington meeting, I want maximum surveillance on neutral ground.

You get that?

What the hell is this?

We taped out of the corridor monitor, sir. We like it.

Steve and Yolanda, they're great.

Yolanda and Steve.

Yolanda and Steve, sir. If you want your MTV soldier, you better want it on your

own time.

I told him we shouldn't be watching, sir.

Tell me, what exactly happened?

Did something actually kill you?

Now, you saw big bulging eyes in the water.

Bulging eyes.

Something was coming after you. Yes. They were bulging eyes, or they might

been balls. I don't know what they were. There was something big pulsating in

the water, and it wasn't me.

Well, what can I say?

How can I alleviate this doubt?

Why was Patrick so concerned? Why was he yelling, shut it down, Hogan Stern.

Don't move, Leslie. Why was he yelling that?

Because you might have broken it.

Broken it?

We haven't tested it yet to make sure it's childproof.

Leslie, anything else?

Yeah, I want to know why he looks like a Russian Ralph Cramden.

That was a highly restricted area back there.

You scared us half to death in there.

Faking that you had drowned.

What exactly are you working on?

I'm working on a wonderful new water toy.

Oh, a tub toy. Yes.

I have some terrific video games for kids.

Look, we've talked about that. It's very tedious.

Well, better see them. I'd love to see them. Wouldn't it be nice to have a

Oh, yes, a tour would be very nice.

I tell you what.

Give me two weeks to put my house in order, get my ducks in a row, so to

and I'll be more than willing to show you my work.

Okay? Okay.

Dead. Don't mind that. Just a diversionary tactic.

Marvelous. The Washington boys are set.

The Washington boys.

It's done.

Thursday, 1600 hours. Oh, my moment in the sun.

Break out the zinc oxide.

Leland, I understand the need for security, but don't you think this is

little extreme?

All right, this is cool.

Yeah, look at this. You can see right through them.

They look like they're halos on them, like little bony angels.

Now, that's the general right there, right?

Yeah, don't waste any time on him. We know he doesn't have a wife.

Move over to the Washington boys.

They definitely don't have to work out.

Hey, look right here.

I think we got a bug, my man.

See right there? No, no, no. That's some kind of shrapnel or something.

Shrapnel. Shrapnel.

Shrapnel. How are you feeling since your operation, McGraw?

Well, not too bad, but I'm getting a few chest pains that I didn't have before

the operation.

It looks like scissors or something, like, you know, like a clamp.

Well, let's not tell him.

We'll move over to the exit.

Well, gentlemen,

is that everything I told you it would be?

A miniaturized military.

Remote -controlled planes being operated by kids on video screens.

You know, the Israelis have been flying model planes with small video cameras

attached to do surveillance.

It might not be a bad idea.

But you know, Leland, we're going to have to go back to Washington with your

proposal for discussion.

You've got to look to the future.

The future is anarchy.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about lawlessness.

I'm talking about the liveness of the future.

I'm talking about the breakdown of the whole system.

The military defending people against people.

You won't get your appropriations waving that flag. There's no...

No glory in that kind of warfare. How can you possibly justify that one

bomber cost more than the government spent on cancer research in the whole of

the United States of America?

But one million little planes, $5 ,000 a piece, you see what I'm saying?

Well, I think this is something that we'll have to review and discuss

Well, what's to review? What's to discuss? This is the program.

This is what works. This is the future.

I'm trying to say is calm down. Don't tell me to calm down!

Those Washington boys, they didn't bother to call back.

They think I don't know what I'm doing.

I'll soon show them.

Big secret.

Very sorry. Yeah?

Now, have a different kind of engagement. Oh.

Yeah. Oh, Leland.

What? Huh?

You said Leland.

I said Leland. I wasn't even thinking.

Oh, you called me Leland. No, no, no. I said lean in. You know, lean in.

Debbie.

Debbie. You didn't do my dad, did you?

Well.

Did you? It was an accident.

It was an accident. Yeah, you were away, and he was having these bad

depressions. Also, because he gets a little depressed, you get so mighty,

Debbie. You know how drastic it is. He goes on and on about the fact that he

responsible for your mother's death. I know, I know.

Appendicitis, appendicitis.

Debbie, how could you? What do you mean, appendicitis?

My mother died from appendicitis, Debbie.

Uh -uh. He sent her on a reconnaissance mission.

Reconnaissance? Yeah. You know how James Bond visited Hanoi?

Well, he sent your mother in disguise to the gym to find a lookalike. I don't

know. Something happened.

What does the man know about toys, Mother Teresa?

He has no sense of fun.

Well,

how can he come up with a design better than our designers? We've been doing it

for 50 years.

Okay.

What do you think, Owen?

Well, we'll be able to see you in a couple of weeks.

Why two weeks?

That's a good question. That's a very good question.

You want to know what the general's building?

A deadly war machine.

He is so good.

He's the best. That red is a hard color to match.

You want the truth?

I'll tell you the truth.

It's nothing but the truth.

We have a breach of security. Call the general.

Never liked him anyway.

I knew he'd defect that boy. I knew it. I knew it. One word about his mother and

he goes thot like a little kid.

It's not just a game. Those lethal weapons he's creating and building in

factory are just phase one. Phase one? Yeah.

He wants to build a new technology for tomorrow's warriors.

Oh, my God.

See, it was thought as a great philanthropic gesture.

He would establish daycare centers in all the poverty areas.

Mothers could leave their children there all day long, and they'd be taught to

read and write by video computer.

That's a check.

To educate them, but at the same time, to create a special variety of video

games to develop coordination.

Teach the child how to handle sophisticated equipment.

simulated flight experiences, visual laser lock on screen.

And the last step, the final frontier, is to fly a real combat mission with

remote -controlled weaponry. I mean, the kids, they don't know the difference.

They still think it's a video game. They think they're racking up points and

they're actually wiping out whole cities.

Well, he's got to be stopped, y 'all. We have to call the police.

No, no police.

What? Because it's family business.

What's been done has got to be undone, right?

We're going to take care of it. But how can we do it?

I put the entire security system in.

With your help, I can take it out.

Well, well, well.

Look what we've got here.

A mutiny.

First of all, we've got to be a unit. We can't all talk at the same time.

We've got to be one mind, one body, one goal, one soul.

Stand up and join me.

This is very good.

We are now one.

In body, in soul, in dedication.

We have one thought alone.

Victory. Put this place on red alert.

They're as good as dead.

That's your center.

War has no relatives.

Now, we're going to get them.

War.

All right, sir, they're here.

And so it begins.

Now is my time.

It was not Korea.

It was not Vietnam.

But now.

Tonight on this battleground, this field of innocence, this shall be my

finest hour.

I can almost hear the ticking of the second hand of destiny.

A moment.

One wonderful moment when fate takes your hand.

And this is my moment.

My once in a lifetime.

When I can explore a new...

I just took out the tomato system, sir.

Turn on the twin system.

Not even Patrick knew about that.

I trust no one.

Let the games begin.

That's a big one down there.

See that?

See this one. See this one.

That's how it's going to go down.

Look, I'm going to shut down the control center to make sure the weapons are

deactivated. I want you guys to meet me at the Manhattan model in five minutes.

Let's move.

We don't know which way.

Will we hit them now, sir?

Let them separate a little more.

Nesbitt? Owen?

Yeah, I know him.

Nesbitt!

There's your book.

I wonder what the flashing red lights mean.

Well, red usually means caution or beef if it's a bullion cue.

Well, thank you. That helps a lot.

I know where I'm going. I just don't know how to get there. Maybe that's the

covert way not to tell you. We need a helper or some fruit.

Hey, I'll go take a look.

Thank you.

Isn't that great?

the controls in there.

Ball and Dolly just killed each other.

Put in the tummy tanks and activate the hurly -burly helicopters.

and consent.

Building fatalistic toys. Why couldn't I see it coming?

I mean, I saw the warning from the restricted area. I found the pool and

tried to kill me. I really screwed up.

I thought I'd lost you. You didn't know we were here. How do you know?

Well...

Where the general stuck all the old toys.

Everything that's evil was is here.

Oh, dance with me.

Look at that.

They let themselves get trapped.

That means Patrick must be in there.

It's not like him to make such a poor tactical maneuver.

I used to love to play with these.

The general's weapons track movement is... Owen, do you think these will

work? Oh, if you wind them up.

I imagine they will. I've got an idea.

What?

We're going to fight fire with marshmallows.

That's a complete answer.

Ladies and gentlemen, our army.

Let's wind up the troops.

Someone get me a cup of tea.

Greenberg. Yes, sir?

Tea for the general. Eight lumps.

All right, come to that.

Who would believe when we made Milton the Friendly Elephant that some of you

today would be wound in anger?

Four stores, many Christmases ago, my father brought forth a factory conceived

in innocence and joy, and squeezable fun for everyone.

But today may be the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning, or the

beginning of the beginning.

And when you go fourth today, or fifth,

Depending on your order in line, we are here today to put you in harm's way.

Because we determine today in this warehouse the future of toys as we know

Whether it be toys of fun and innocence or toys for total top warfare.

Mr. Penguin, if you don't do it today, you're an endangered species. You know

that.

Now, many of you have never seen your own fluff.

Many of you are just out of the boxes.

You've never seen your own springs lying on the ground. But I tell you today,

that's not going to be the case.

I want you to wade into them. I want them to spill their batteries.

I want them to break off their antenna.

I want those plastic behemoths to be a bubbling botch of goo.

In the words of Barbie, I had a dream house.

I know you can do it. Spin your balls, move your plates, skip your ropes.

You, Mr. Twirly, blind them with the best you can.

In the words of Mahatma Gumby, we are toys of tolerance, but there's only so

much that a toy can tolerate.

Do what you must, you simple, gentle few, for I would rather have you by my

than any remote -controlled gadget that I've ever seen.

Because you are, and even you, even you, alien owl, pay a little attention

because you were never a big seller.

But we stood by you.

So now is the time not to ask what Zeebo can do for you, but what you can do for

Zeebo.

Let's all bob our heads for a brief moment of prayer.

Those who can.

You all

right out, Fisher? Yeah.

Bastards, they attacked us while we were at prayer, like Pearl Harbor.

So come, hold until you see the light in their eyes.

Something's happened to Patrick.

I've got to get to Manhattan.

Keep the diversion going. I'm going to find a way to stop him.

That must be Leslie.

How the hell did he get there?

Look, they're on the timing tankers on his tail.

Not good enough.

Activate the sea swine.

Sir, it's not too reliable.

Activate it.

Sea swine activated.

Now. Switch it over for amphibious attack.

Sea swine in amphibious attack mode. Now.

Patrick!

Patrick!

Yeah?

Patrick, where are you?

Fifth Avenue, Tiffany.

This is no time to shop.

Leslie, I've been hit. I got tapes on me. You've got to get to the general's

office and shut down the main computer.

How am I going to do that? The guards are all over the entrance to his office.

The signs are good.

Give up?

And you thought I was a fool!

You tried to kill us all.

Oh, come on, Leslie. Can't you take a joke? Oh, yeah.

I can.

I love jokes.

I love all kinds of jokes.

But you know what I don't think is funny?

Is when somebody tries to kill me, my family, and destroy the world as I know

it. I mean, that just doesn't sit well. I don't know why.

Call me crazy.

I came real close to being just like you.

Oh, come on, boys.

Can't we all sit down together and talk this thing out amiably?

I'd like a sandwich now.

I'll say she's a robot.

Yeah, my dad built her for me. My mom died so early, he thought I needed

somebody.

Always thought she seemed the same age.

Um, I'd like to have... Can we put her back together again?

Oh, yes.

Her plans are in your father's safe.

Everything's going to be all right, Al. Do you love me?

Of course I do, Al.

I give you a big hug, but your body's over there.

I miss my heart.

We'll get you back together real soon.

Oh, no.

Al, you're going to be all right.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to be fine. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm

fine. Hey, look, Al.

It's Christmas.

Oh, jeez. Oh, you can't.

No.

I know.

Revada.

wow wow

You look stunning.

This

is

Paris. What?

She still needs a little work.

Can you carry me?

I think it's better if you walk.

Dad, you don't have to worry. Vivo Toys is in good hands.

Well, I gotta go now.

The country calls.

Well, you'll be back for Easter.

Of course.

We'll be having eggs.

Take care.

Don't know your own strength.

Keep it. You can always use a good hand.

See you later.

Peace.

He's funny.

Sporty and mysterious.

Uh -oh.

Patrick?

Thank you.

Then at least I...

We have a traditional whimsy here at the Ziegler Chorium.

Dad began that tradition with Milton the Plumly Elephant and carried all the way

through the blue line.

I don't know just how I feel.

All I know is that I love you. The real, the real,

the real.

All the seasons I have.

Yes.