Original subtitles

- P. - What?

It's not resents, P, presents.

Oh, got it.

- Sir, please wake up.

Wake up, sir.

Wake up you little son of bitch, you shit.

I'm sorry sir, but you're in a dirty dream.

I always have sexually oriented dreams.

My upbringing I think.

I grew up in a family of die hard chauvinists.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm a feminist

and I can't allow you to undress me in your dreams.

Hey, please, I need some water.

Oh yes, you old bitch, I'll be there in a moment.

- The same dream again?

Haunting me like the Phantom of the Opera.

"The Hound of the Baskervilles."

- Calvin Klein's Obsession.

- It's a healthy dream.

Welcome to Hollywood, Frank.

- Why thank you, Frank.

- You're welcome, Frank.

Do you realize we just completed seven sentences

full of intellectual subtext?

I'm exhausted.

- Crash out, dude.

Extremely well put, Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz.

- May I help you, miss?

Pardon doll, where is the bathroom?

Bathroom, first door on the left.

- Thank you.

- Or was that the right.

No, left is right.

Criticized federal police for infringement

on his civil rights,

and called upon fellow South Americans to condemn further-

Easy on the Sweet and Low, Farrah.

There's not enough jam on the toast, Sofia.

Sheila, the coffee was too black.

And not too much pulp in the juice, Loretta.

What was that bit again?

I will protect my right to speak freely with my life.

They should have castrated him first

and then executed him, go on.

That'll be Alex from the studio.

How much we gross last night?

Good, that's good.

Fire six vice presidents, call me in the morning.

- Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee.

Yes, I'm scared, you guessed right.

No, I'm not afraid of flying.

Yes, I'm scared for my life.

I'm coming to L.A. to testify

against the ketchup tycoon slash drug lord Rupert Hess.

Yes, this is where I'm keeping the evidence against him.

Now I'm not stupid enough to arrive in Los Angeles

carrying this with me.

Yes, police promise me protection.

Now I don't believe them.

Hess I'll take care of myself.

I don't know this guy.

Sure, I have ways of finding out.

- That slimy poisonous snake.

That sleazy, lowlife informant.

He must be bringing evidence against me.

Have him killed, Bruno.

- Please? - What?

- Have him killed, please.

- I want him dead. - Okay.

Look at them, beautiful, unsuspected, innocent.

The key to my greatest scheme ever.

There's a hundred million big ones riding on those beauties.

Kill Garcia first and then pick up the girls.

No, pick up the girls first and then kill Garcia.

But if I pick up the girls first and then kill Garcia

the girls will see me killing Garcia.

Darn, kill Garcia first and then pick up the girls.

- Great idea, boss.

- Morning, Frank. - Morning, Frank.

Sleep like a baby?

Yeah, yeah, and I'm not the only one.

Look at the big guy, he's out cold.

Thrifty Airlines announce the delayed arrival

of flight 241, Jersey, Dallas, Miami,

San Francisco and Las Vegas.

Informers on the flight disembark at gate 69.

- My God, it's amazing.

- What's amazing?

You look just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- Who's he work for?

You must be from another planet.

- I'm from Brooklyn. - That qualifies.

Sleazy informant Garcia Garcia,

here to testify against Rupert Hess

now disembarking at gate 69.

Hired assassins can proceed

with their hideous plans of extermination.

- Nah, not him.

Mr. Garcia, informer against

drug lord Rupert Hess, please meet federal agents

of the Witness Protection Program

in the arrivals area please.

Mr. Garcia, please.

- Yes. - That was him, you idiot.

- Okay, boss.

That was him, you idiots.

- Buzz off, geek, can't you see

we're waiting for an informer?

Clear diversion to mislead us into thinking

those gentlemen behind you are assassins.

Code 45-A, section one-C,

attempt to deceive a federal agent.

It's a prosecutable offense.

Oh, I am Garcia, meet me in the men's room.

- Strange fella.

Think he's gay?

The white zone in the men's bathroom

is for unloading only, no homosexuals.

The white zone in the men's bathroom.

- Mine's already here, Frank.

That's not your suitcase, Frank, your suitcase isn't pink.

- Yes, it is.

You're making a dreadful mistake.

- Which can only help the plot.

- My turn.

What next?

Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz and Mr. Guggenheimer,

passengers Ros-top-o-vitz and Guggenheimer,

please go to the men's room and hit your mark.

- Got it, Frank? - Got it, Frank.

The yellow zone is for urinating only,

no other type of unloading.

The yellow zone is for urinating only,

no other type of unloading.

Actually, I'm a very sensitive man.

As a small boy, I had a terrible childhood

which haunts me and sometimes makes me violent.

Other than that I'm just an average guy.

Please talk.

- Hey Frank. - Yes, Frank?

That wasn't funny, Frank.

- That wasn't me, Frank. - My mistake, Frank.

- So you gonna talk?

- Here we go again.

My dear fellow, are you constipated by any chance?

Oh, definitely constipated, poor fellow.

Don't worry, like they say, easy come, easy go.

- Very apropos, Frank. - Ooh, thank you, Frank.

- I'll talk. - I'm all ears.

I'm here to testify against Rupert Hess.

- Duh, what's your evidence?

A very thick organizer with names, phone numbers, dates.

Would you give it to me before I kill you?

I don't have it, I got rid of it on the plane.

Some other passenger has it in his carry on.

- The name of that passenger?

- Ros-top-o-vitz.

- I didn't hear that, Garcia.

- Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz!

- Yes, Mr. Guggenheimer? - That wasn't me, Frank.

- Who is this Ros-top-o-vitz?

About five-ten, brown hair, green eyes, a Capricorn,

real sensitive but a great sense of humor.

- Where can I find him?

- He's a citizen of the world,

presently on a business trip to L.A.

He frequents bars, strip clubs and four-star hotels

where single women can be approached.

Does he know about the notebook?

- What notebook?

The notebook Garcia put in his carry on

unsuspected while Ros-top-o-vitz was asleep on the plane?

Nah, the man's completely oblivious.

We'll have to block all the exits.

If he doesn't cooperate, we'll have to kill him.

Thanks Garcia, you made my life a lot easier.

So you're not going to kill me?

- Ah, I almost forgot.

Why do I always forget these things?

I don't smoke, I don't drink,

I still can't remember nothing.

What was that name he said again?

- Ros-top-o-vitz.

- Thanks. - Don't mention it.

You think constipation killed him?

No, it was definitely a 48 with a silencer.

He realized they know I have the crucial agenda.

- You do?

- Frank.

You think they're going to kill you?

- Positively.

Well, then you better get out there.

If they take you out first, I can get away unharmed.

- Thanks, Frank.

- What are friends for, Frank?

The villains are looking for a man.

Five-10, brown hair, green eyes.

- A Capricorn, real sensitive.

Which means these incorrect suitcases

will now come in handy.

Don't wear red, goes better with my eyes.

Frank, trust me on this.

It's a foolproof plan.

All we have to do is slip out of here completely unnoticed.

- You must be with the pageant.

- You must be Bruno. - At your service.

May I take your luggage?

- But of course.

- Help police!

- They're stealing our luggage!

- Help police!

- Ladies, allow me.

Geez, dykes.

- Hi, I'm Ethel. - And I'm Mirabelle.

- We do makeup. - And hair.

- We also do body makeup.

Any, if you need some work on your tans?

- I do.

Maybe I'll need you in the first couple of days.

I don't want to come out pale in the pictures.

I'm going to win this pageant.

- I'm sure you will.

Excuse me, is there a ladies room?

- Yeah.

In the back.

- You're here.

You go past the jacuzzi,

after the master suite make a right, then a left.

Go back about a quarter mile,

you'll be there in about 10 minutes.

- You're so sweet.

Mirabelle, sweetie, didn't you say

you had to powder your nose?

- What, no, my nose is fine.

She just gets carried away sometimes.

- Big bus. - No shit.

We need to talk.

My feet are killing me and my bra is too tight.

- Personally, I hate pantyhose

and red lipstick doesn't suit me at all.

- Frank!

- Don't wrinkle my dress, bitch.

- Frank, come to your senses.

You don't give a shit about the dress.

You're not a woman.

- I'm not a woman?

I'm not a woman.

Well, thank God, it's still there.

I'm not a woman.

Is that good or bad?

- We gotta get out of here.

This whole thing is getting out of hand.

Bruno is- - Who's Bruno?

You know, the Arnold Schwarzenegger type.

- How did you know his name?

- I don't know.

Are you having an affair with him?

- You crazy son of a bitch!

Listen to me, look at me, what do you see?

- Your mascara is running.

- Who am I?

An ugly Jap who's jealous of my body.

- Frank!

Snap out of it.

- You hurt me, but I liked it.

Just kidding, I'm okay.

- Who are you?

- I'm Frank Guggenheimer. - Thank God.

Now listen, Frank, we came here to-

Make it in Hollywood, act, write and direct, I know that.

- Now look at us.

We're up to our ass in drugs, prostitution,

maybe even assassination.

- Hey, look on the bright side.

You ever have so much fun being a broad?

Think how much fun you're gonna have

when Bruno finds out you're not

and shoots you right between the eyes.

You know what this is?

- Garcia's little brown book?

- That's right and it's hot,

names, numbers, dates of all Hess's drug activities.

- Who, who is it?

It's me, Marsha, can I come in?

- Yes. - Yes.

- Well, which is it?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

It's getting so hot back there

and I need to change into- - Something more comfortable?

- You got it.

It's so hot here in L.A. this time of year.

- Hell. - Yes, hell

- Much better.

- Much. - Yes, much.

- Thanks girls, bye.

- What was that you were saying

about getting out of here, Frank?

- I don't remember anymore.

On one hand, we have real danger,

the possibility of grievous bodily harm,

even premature mortality.

On the other we have ironclad evidence

against the wanted drug lord

and also 10 gorgeous women.

What do you say?

We're young, we're tough, we can't quit now.

- For rich or for poor. - For better or worse.

- In sickness and in health. - Till death do us part.

- I do. - So do I.

♪ Though I ain't got a diamond ♪

♪ You got money all the time ♪

♪ Walk out to reality ♪

♪ Can't be bought at the store ♪

♪ That's what hearts are for ♪

♪ Though you like to save the world ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a saving kind of girl ♪

♪ We're in this together right from the start ♪

♪ We're in this together ♪

Behind me you see those who are protesting the pageant.

Fortune 500 company Hess Ketchup is sponsoring the event

which has run afoul of the local feminist groups.

This is Peter Hairnet for the Mafia News Network.

- I'm blind, I can't see.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, help me, I can't see.

It's a miracle.

I can see.

Senator Kennedy, please see the concierge

for a delivery of a case,

Senator Kennedy please.

I know I seen you somewhere before.

- Yes, you have.

You know, Vogue, Marie Claire, Harper's Bazaar,

Elle, W Magazine, you name it.

We've had our pictures taken with Brooke Shields.

- Christie Brinkley. - Paula Barbieri.

- Claudia Schiffer. - Paulina Porizkova.

All the supermodels, we've done them all,

makeup and hair that is.

Well, that explains it, I guess.

Well, of course it does, silly, we're famous.

Come on!

Come on, come on.

- Who is it? - It's Simone.

- That's mine.

I'm Milli Vanilli, let's have a party.

- You failed me

and you know what happens to people that fail me.

- They don't get dessert.

- They become off-ramps.

- Before or after dessert?

That Ros-top-o-vitz can hang me

as long as he has the book.

Find those two idiots and bring me back the book.

Maybe the guy doesn't even know he has the book.

I've seen that guy somewhere before.

- Of course you have you moron,

you ran into him and the other guy.

Bet I'd recognize him again, even in disguise.

- Any idiot would recognize him.

- I'm not just any idiot, boss.

Find him, bring him back to me personally.

Now, get outta here.

I can turn my own pages.

- I hate Pomp and Circumstance.

♪ You build me up just to let me down ♪

♪ Every time I turn around you're hot and cold ♪

♪ Hot and cold ♪

♪ No time for your chit chat ♪

♪ Let me know just where you're at ♪

♪ Push pull ♪

What do you know about Mr. Hess?

He's a very rich but he's also old and losing his hair.

He has a huge mansion with the body guards,

big screen TVs, two pools and three jacuzzis.

♪ On my chain, girl ♪

♪ I said you build me up just to let me down ♪

♪ Every time I turn around ♪

I survived the fall from 30,000 feet

and I feel better already.

I drink only Evian and I never, never mess around

on the first date.

I didn't know you had ketchup in Iraq.

We don't but then again, we don't have burgers either.

♪ Guitar ♪

So what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Beauty, money and ambition and I love to win.

Funny, you don't sound Latin at all.

- I'm not, I'm from Pa-coy-ma.

The Honduran tourist office is paying me to do this

but what I really want to do is act.

You could say I'm an aspiring bimbo.

I hear American men are hot blooded.

How many did you have?

- None, I'm still a virgin.

- Pack it up, ladies.

It's time to go to bed.

Mr. Hess will expect to see you at his mansion

tomorrow morning early.

He has turned over his guest house

for your training and preparation

and he will personally choose the ones he wants to date.

And if you're thinking about going out

without his permission, it won't fly.

You're restricted to your rooms

and there's a garden every corridor.

Now break it up.

- Ladies and gentlemen. - Just ladies.

- Just ladies.

My pleasure to introduce to you our-

- Host. - Host.

- Mr. Rupert- - Hess.

- I know that.

Mr. Rupert Hess.

I want to welcome you all to the Hess Ketchup

First Annual International Beauty Pageant.

You are all so beautiful, so lovely, so sophisticated,

but only a few of you will win.

And those who win will travel.

We'll send you to exotic places to claim even more prizes,

more cash, more rewards and more honor

for this, our great country.

First class trips to Bogota, Cartagena, Haiti, Bolivia

and of course the Middle East.

Treats unprecedented in beauty contests.

And of course the grand prize, 50,000 in cash.

And now ladies, I have a very important meeting

with the local mafia, but I assure you

in the next couple of days,

we'll get to know each other very well personally.

There'll be lunches, dinners, nights on the town,

at the clubs, discos, bars, the best restaurants,

the swimming in the jacuzzi.

You want it, you'll get it.

Frank, Frank, don't be strange.

- Why, what's wrong with me?

Stop staring at that guy, are you crazy?

I'm not staring at him, he's staring at me.

- I'm Rupert Hess. - Charmed.

I couldn't help watching you from a distance.

I found you captivating, fascinating, different

and so usually fully dressed.

- I'm only the makeup girl.

I'm a Pisces, would you like to have fish with me?

- Is this a-

- Yes, an invitation to dinner.

I'll pick you up, say six-ish?

- Six-ish then.

- I'm Mirabelle. - You're ugly.

If you want to have dinner with her, she's yours.

- Thank you very much.

What am I, chopped liver?

- Leave me alone.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- You're jealous. - Jealous my ass.

You're going out to dinner with a mobster dressed as a girl.

He didn't say he was going to dress as a girl.

- Don't get cute with me, Frank.

These damn clothes have started to change your personality.

You're becoming Ethel.

I don't have to stand here and let you insult me.

- Oh no, what are you gonna do?

- Powder my nose? - Frank, listen to me.

We're not women, we're men in drag.

We did it out of desperation following a twisted plot

and it's gotta end now.

We're getting out of these dresses,

we're burning these wigs,

we're going back to what brought us here in the first place.

Right now the combination of danger and sex

appeals to me more than money.

The hotel is paid for.

There's 10 gorgeous half and or fully naked

women for the taking.

And I'm not walking away from paradise

until either I'm dead or fully satisfied.

May I remind you that the former

is a more than distinct possibility

with a ruthless drug lord?

- Rupert?

Oh, he's a pussycat.

- Will you stop it?

Bruno's already killed one man in cold blood.

Then he'd already be racked by guilt.

- Bruno doesn't feel any guilt

because he doesn't have a brain.

And when Rupert finds out we're not who he thinks we are

we end up in some freeway off ramp.

I say you make a run for it.

- I can't do that, Frank. - Why the hell not, Frank?

- I have a date tonight.

Well, don't expect me to play bridesmaid.

I'm getting out of here.

- Mirabelle!

Silly girl.

I called this meeting because as you know

business is not exactly booming.

Elections are done, illegal gambling is off

and the protection racket is not performing

all because the old geezers are not up to the job.

Forget it, Miriam, I'm not listening to any of your excuses

about weak kidneys, slipped discs and arthritis.

I've heard it all before and to be honest

to me it sounds like sheer negativism.

Be aggressive.

Go out and kick some butt.

Now move it!

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My babe she loves to show it to me ♪

♪ My babe she wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ She got an arm full of every color bracelet ♪

♪ Around her neck she got a necklace you can taste it ♪

♪ She looks so fine with all that gold and silver shine ♪

♪ I wanna hold her but the girl is hard to find ♪

♪ It's on her earlobe, it's on her big toe ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby loves to show it to me ♪

♪ My babe she wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry ♪

♪ So many rings around her fingers she can't bend them ♪

♪ She got my picture in a diamond studded pendant ♪

- God, I'm dead. - You're not kidding.

- I want to take a nap. - Oh no you're not.

- Yeah, who's stopping me?

Your big date with Mr. Rupert Hess.

- Fuck. - Never on the first date.

- I can do it.

Oh.

Oh, no problem, Frank, go ahead, take a nap.

Stand Rupert up, get him pissed, get us both killed.

- Shut up.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I'll jump in the shower, put some makeup on,

I'll feel like a brand new woman in no time.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

- Hi honey.

I hope you don't mind.

My roommate was using our tub

so I thought I might borrow yours.

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on in and share while the water's still warm.

- I can't do that. - Don't tell me you're shy.

We're girls after all, come on Ethel.

I'm straight.

Just take your clothes off and jump in.

I've never shared a tub with another person.

You see, I never had a boyfriend.

I'm sort of a loner, I guess.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Pretty girl like you.

Oops, girl, you're packing more than you need, aren't you?

Aren't you, Frank?

Okay, okay, what do you want from me?

- What do you have to offer?

- My body. - Lousy bargain.

I look better without the dress.

- Cut to the chase, Ethel.

- Call me Frank, Misty.

The name's Joanne, Frank, I'm a narc.

It's spelled FBI.

All these years of training to make this body perfect

and seduce Hess and what happens?

I get beaten out by a guy in drag.

- Guess I've got that certain.

- Sure you do, Frank.

That's why you, me and your friend Mirabelle,

we girls are gonna work together

and put Rupert out of business.

Get a promotion, a raise even, get a life.

- Hey, I'm not with the FBI.

- I'm talking about me, Frank,

you and the other Frank will do the legwork.

Pardon the expression.

And I'll collect the benefits.

- What if I refuse?

- Nice try, Frank.

Think I got to be an agent by accident?

I'll tell you why not.

Work with me you little shit or you're dead!

Get it?

Good.

- Point made.

What do you want me to do?

You will go to dinner with Rupert.

You will go back home to his mansion

and you will seduce him.

- Seduce him? - I just said that.

- Seduce him?

Frank, you're repeating yourself.

You're not making any sense.

Okay, let's go.

Wait a minute, what about Grace Jones out there?

Think I don't already have that figured out?

Hey Sam!

- Hi Misty. - Hi Sam.

All's clear if you want to see the chief.

- Thanks, catch you later. - Bye.

See you, Frank.

Later, Frank.

The special of the day at the Hard Bread Cafe-

- Here's the deal.

See those?

They call them elevators.

That's sprinkled with crispy, crunchy sawdust.

Served with a generous portion of yesterday's fries

and a slice of bed fly infested watermelon.

It's a bargain at $32.99.

- Not this one. - How do you know?

♪ Off we go, head to the wild ♪

We're picking up the chief, 33rd floor.

- There's no 33rd floor.

- No chief either, hit 32, pal.

- 32.

Would you take 31?

- Got a light? - Sure, Chief.

Thanks, but not while I'm on duty.

Hello boys, or should I say hello girls?

Garcia, it's amazing you're alive!

- No, name's not Garcia.

And yes, I'm alive.

Oh that, yeah, I got shot point blank, that's right.

Bulletproof vest.

- What the hell is that for?

This is supposed to be an express elevator.

- No stops.

You just shot a little old lady!

- Yes I did.

That wasn't a little old lady.

Rupert's spies are all around.

Word gets out I'm alive,

might as well kiss the plan goodbye.

- Now listen, Garcia.

- Gesundheim. - I didn't sneeze.

No, his name's not Garcia, it's Gesundheim.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.

But that book I placed on you was a phony.

Wanted Hess to think we had the goods on him.

Yes, it is an ingenious plan.

No, I still can't arrest him.

Got a payroll a mile long,

cops, judges, the mayor, city council,

garbage men, senior citizens,

even the God damn illegal aliens.

You know the name 'em, they're all on the take.

- The overhead will kill him.

No, I'd rather kill him myself.

No, I can't get my hands on him legally.

And yes, you will help me.

- No, we won't. - And yes, you're crazy.

- You don't have a choice. - We know who you are.

We got a hold of all your unpaid parking tickets

in six states.

We also know that you are aspiring actors.

What we really want to do is write and direct.

You will never work in this town again

unless you go along with my plan.

- What do you want from us?

Let's go have a bite, they've got a free breakfast.

- But it's after 5:30.

Now you understand why it's free.

Well, don't just stand there, Ethel, come on.

You look ravishing.

You're very handsome yourself, Mr. Hess.

So where are we going tonight?

I will fly you to the moon, Ethel.

Oh my, I thought we were going to your house for dinner.

I prepared something rather exclusive.

By the way, it's a mansion, not a house.

- Sorry.

Why three helicopters, Rupert?

You must be wondering, why three helicopters, Rupert?

- You read my mind.

Decoys, if anybody gets any ideas

they won't know who to shoot down first.

You like rollercoaster, Ethel?

They make me dizzy, I lose control.

- Good!

You like speed, Ethel?

You like ecstasy?

- I don't do drugs, Rupert.

I'm talking real ecstasy, Ethel, real orgasmic speed.

I love it!

Pardon me, would you have any Gray Poupon?

- What?

I said pardon me, would you have any Gray Poupon?

- But of course!

Ethel? - Yes, Rupert?

- You see all this? - Yes, Rupert.

All mine.

This building over there, mine.

That other one, mine.

I own the biggest buildings in town.

Like they say, Rupert,

a man's building is an extension of his far-feg-nu-gen.

Ethel, you're so intelligent, so shocked, so-

Take your hand off my knee, Rupert.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Hess.

New girlfriend?

- Yes, another one.

We're really just acquaintances.

- The usual? - Please.

- And what about you, slut?

- Cristal, please.

Oh, that's a first, a slut with good taste.

- What a rude woman.

- Camille?

She's a putz.

Enough about her, let's talk about us.

- So, what'll it be, my man?

- Black Russian?

- No, I just have sort of a tan.

What would you like?

- Bud Light. - You got it.

- Do I know you?

Play dumb, Frank.

- I don't think so, why?

- I got a really lousy memory.

I always ask people if I know them, you look familiar.

You sure we haven't met before?

- Oh, I'm positive.

- I'm AB negative.

- Hey, this is empty.

Why do you think they call it light?

So Bruno, you kill anybody today?

- Nah, pretty quiet.

- The usual? - Yeah.

No thanks, I'm trying to cut down.

- And now let's talk about you.

- Me? - Yes, about you.

You exude wit, charm, class.

I'm fascinated by you for some unexplained reason.

There's a kind of charisma about you

that makes me forget all my good taste

and very high aesthetic sensibilities.

I would walk to the ends of the Earth for a girl like you.

So what do you say, Ethel,

you want to go back to the mansion, have sex with me?

- Oh, I don't know, Rupert.

You're so fierce.

I need time, I need to get to know you.

I don't know what it is about you, but I like you.

I feel I know you.

I'll tell you what, let's be buddies.

Let's have some fun, what do you say?

Not a good idea, Frank.

- I don't think so.

- Good!

Drinks are on me, smiley.

- Can you do me a favor, Rupert?

- Anything, Ethel.

Helicopters turn me off, let's take your car.

Of course, by the way, it's not a car, it's a limo.

- Sorry.

No, Rupert don't.

You overwhelm little girls, throw them off balance.

I need a little romance.

- Romance, you want romance?

I'll give you romance.

Driver, pull over.

Hey bro, come here!

- Good evening, sir.

- Excuse me, my good man.

I'll take all the flowers you have.

Now I want all your money, motherfucker.

- Don't hurt me.

I'll give you anything you want.

My money, my credit cards, the car, her.

- Leave me out of this.

Okay, I'll take the money and the credit cards,

you can keep the car, too big, lousy on gas mileage.

But this little bitch is mine.

What?

You see, Frank, I don't usually have this much fun.

My social life stinks.

Got a few problems, know what I mean?

Like these guys I gotta kill,

one of them is about your height, same eyes, same hair.

Practically looks like you.

The other guy I don't remember too good

because he had this camera in front of his face.

My boss says if I don't get them, he'll get me.

Problem is, I don't know where they are.

So look at me.

Look at him, Frank.

Do I look like a dead man to you?

Damn right I'm not.

Know why?

Because tomorrow I'm going to Mexico

with a bunch of bimbos for a major drug deal.

And it's splits-ville for yours truly.

A place for Rupert Hess can never find me

and I can live happily ever.

You're doing the right thing, Bruno.

- Will that be all, sir?

- No, that will not be all.

I'm paying you good money so stay in the car until you die.

I'm sure you'll understand why I bring you

straight to the guest house, Ethel.

The mansion is a total mess

let alone that my wife would divorce me

and take all my money if she saw me with you.

- Your wife?

- Yes.

Thank you for a wonderful evening, good night.

- Ethel. - Yes, Rupert?

- I'll be Frank. - No, I'll be Frank.

- Such a kidder.

Ethel. - Yes, Rupert.

I want you to know I feel like we know each other

for a long time.

There's something about you, I can't put my finger on it.

- You wouldn't want to do that.

You're not like the other girls.

- Well that's true.

You're strong, you've got balls.

- That I've got.

The way you handled that little crisis tonight,

the way your body feels,

so well-built and yet, so, so feminine.

I don't want you to rush into anything you don't want to do

so I'll give you 10 minutes to shower

and slip into something more comfortable.

I'm a sucker for tough broads.

- Pretty kinky, huh?

- Here's your male accessories.

How'd it go?

- Fine, Sam.

You sure you want to go through with this?

I have a job to do and I'll do it, for Misty

for the agency, and for America.

But mainly for me, I haven't had a man in such a long time.

Has it been 10 minutes already?

- I wanted to surprise you. - Naughty boy.

Count to 3,000, then come in.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10,

11, 12, 13, 14, I cheated.

Ethel, Ethel, it's time to meet Long Dong Silver.

Ow, oh fuck.

Rupee's here.

Ethel, oh, oh Ethel.

What a body, all those muscles, you're a big, bad mama.

Little Rupert wants big bad mama to spank him.

Spank little Rupert.

I have voice recognition, silly.

- Ready.

Damn.

Are you sure?

- Shut up.

Oh, beat me, whip me,

make me write bad checks.

- Bye!

Frank, meet Ramirez, Ramirez, Frank.

Ramirez, Frank, Frank, Ramirez.

Ramirez, he couldn't make it, I am Gonzales.

- I can't believe it.

Months of planning that operation and that goon Bruno

goes and spills his guts to him in a cheap strip joint.

Oh, make me feel sleazy, why don't you?

I wouldn't call it cheap, tacky maybe.

What now, ride too rough for you?

- My tooth, killing me.

Transparent decoy to weasel out.

We've got a rendezvous to make.

They'll hear us miles away, we better drop him off.

- Or find a dentist.

Where are we gonna find a dentist out here?

My brother-in-law, he is a dentist.

- What kind of dentist?

- Beggars can't be choosers.

Hit it, Ramirez.

- Remember I'm Gonzales.

Dr. Kill-dare to proctology please,

Dr. Kill-dare to proctology.

Dr. Bones to orthopedics, Dr. Bones to orthopedics, please.

Dr. Milan to radiology, Dr. Milan to radiology.

- Now say E.

Senor, you have a severe eyesight problem.

I'm going to have to give you a prescription

for a pair of glasses.

There's nothing wrong with my eyesight.

It's my tooth that's killing me.

I know, it is my professional opinion

that you have a bad tooth.

- I know that, which one?

- That one, senor.

- What can you do about it?

Well, I can give you a filling for $25

or I can give you a root canal for $100.

That's it, you need a root canal.

A hundred dollars, are you out of your mind?

Si, senor, but that's not the question here.

It's outrageous, I'm not paying more than $30.

- 60 dollars. - 35.

- 55. - Ow, God!

- That hurt, senor? - Yes.

- Alright, 50 dollars.

- I don't have the cash.

It's alright, I take American Express.

Now take two strong drags, senor, two big ones.

Senor, do you floss?

For another 50 bucks, I'll give you these free.

When the pain comes, you just inhale.

- Good deal.

Rupert's planning to take delivery

of this shipment personally,

the question is how big is the shipment?

- How big?

Mind your own business, Gonzales.

The other question is how is he planning

to smuggling it back into the country?

- How? - Gonzales, shut up and drive.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go.

- From here we walk.

- Walk, you expect me to walk?

I'm not even getting paid for this.

- This is it.

Worth about 60 million we hear.

- Strange. - What?

- I don't see Rupert anywhere.

- That is strange.

- Maybe he's on the plane.

Or maybe he's right behind you.

- Nah, couldn't be. - Yes, it could.

- No, it couldn't. - Could too.

- Who's voice is that?

- Not mine. - Or mine.

Gonzalez, you a ventriloquist or something?

Thank God, I thought it was hallucinating.

Thank you, Gonzalez, here's your money.

- Gracias, hombre.

I don't need to count it, I trust you.

- Gonzales, you slime ball.

You'll pay for this.

Si senorita, home loan, car payment,

put my kids through college.

- Drop your weapons.

As they say in my country.

I bet that means two birds with one stone in German.

Your linguistic skills won't be enough

to save you, Mr. Guggenheimer.

Search them.

- Get your hands off me.

Don't touch me.

Why do you look so familiar to me?

What about me, don't I look familiar?

You look ugly, but Mr. Guggenheimer here

is very, very familiar.

Just can't put my finger on it.

Good job, boys.

Waste of a good body to be working

for the Federal Bureau of Incompetence.

You won't get away with this, Hess.

- How old are you, my dear?

- 25 next month.

I'm afraid we'll have to sing "Happy Birthday" now

as you won't be around next month.

Boys.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

?Happy birthday to you?

♪ Happy birthday dear Misty ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- I get it, thanks.

You're all so nice.

- You'll never get me, you know.

There's no trail, no evidence.

You'll have to nail me on a cheap technicality like a pawn.

Put them on the plane.

I personally will fly you to 10,000 feet

and drop you off so to speak.

Have a nice flight.

By the way, your guess was way off, I'm hurt.

The street value of this cocaine was 110 million.

- Hi guys!

Mind pointing those things somewhere besides my face?

One of them might go off.

- We'll shoot you anyway.

Oh, that's not what Mr. Hess says.

He says we're getting dropped into the jungle

from 10,000 feet.

Isn't that right, gang?

Thanks.

If we ever get out of this, I'll make it up to you guys.

I think I know a way out of this.

- Yeah, right.

Remember the laughing gas the dentist gave me?

- Of course, it's brilliant.

When I say now, take a deep breath and hold it.

- Now wait a minute, Frank. - Now!

- Shut up, shut up and sit down!

- Oh shit!

- Get the wheel, Frank.

- Wheel, get the wheel.

You asshole, this is tremendous fun.

- Enjoy it, Rupert!

You're gonna laugh. - That's funny.

You wanna kill me?

Hilarious!

Because I'd like to kill you but I can't!

- Ditto!

- Get the wheel!

Get the wheel!

That's a new jacket, Rupert.

- Khaki's not your color.

So you want to tell me how you do it?

- Do what?

- Get the drugs to L.A.

- Over my dead body. - Okay.

- No, don't drop me, pull me in.

I'll tell you everything you want to know.

- Okay, talk.

The girls, from the beauty pageant.

The luggage, we add a piece to each one.

Customs won't check, they're celebrities.

11 suitcases filled with Columbia's finest.

- He's lying. - Are you lying, Rupert?

I swear to you, I'm telling you the truth.

- The whole truth? - And nothing but the truth.

- So help you God? - Don't push it.

- Don't forget to write!

Thank God I'm alive, I'm alive!

All I have to do is find a cellular phone, right?

Nothing can go wrong now.

- We gotta land this thing.

- No shit, Jose,

except for the fact that we don't know how

and we're out of gas.

Why are you always so hung up on details?

Leave it here, will you, buddy?

- Congratulations, Misty.

Did the two bums cooperate?

The two bums are sitting right next to me

and yes they did cooperate.

I couldn't have done it without them.

- Thank you, thank you. - It was nothing really.

- You know, you all amaze me.

You uncovered Rupert's plan,

you followed him to the Caribbean,

you bound him loading a hundred million dollars

worth of cocaine onto a plane,

you got shoved around by a bunch of Colombian thugs.

Cut to the chase, Chief, we know all that.

- To make a long story short

you managed to get rid of the thugs.

You landed the plane and you delivered to the authorities.

260 pounds of pure powdered sugar.

- Funny, Chief. - Yeah, what a kidder.

- This is powdered sugar.

He isn't kidding, it's powdered sugar alright.

Which brings us to a dead end for this investigation

as a single question looms towards us.

Don't go away, we'll be back.

Damn, they have all these commercials.

The bureau must be desperate.

- Did I hear right?

You said you got rid of the thugs.

- So? - He didn't mention Rupert.

- We got rid of Rupert, right?

- Yes, sir.

He went down like a bullet.

This is a sad day for the Bureau.

We lost our only chance to put Rupert away.

Not so fast, Chief, Rupert took a dive in 20,000 feet

and no parachute.

That lake full of alligators broke his fall.

How come he wasn't eaten alive?

- Would you eat a German?

Chief, before you go, Rupert can only trick us once.

That powdered sugar gag was clever

but we will find the cocaine

and we will put him away for good.

You better, my retirement plan depends on it.

I'm supposed to surrender my badge next week

and start a phone sex 900 service.

Do your best. - We will, Chief.

A great man, great agent.

30 years with the force

and he's giving it all up for the good clean, quiet life.

Ladies and gentlemen.

- Miss Young Yugoslavia.

Monique Perrier, Ms. Fiery France.

Maria Conchita Reyes, Miss Bodacious Bolivia.

Rica Goulash, Miss Hungary Hungary.

Tor-ota Kra-kova, Miss Polluted Poland.

Simone Linguini, Miss Idyllic Italy.

Marcia Marciano, Miss Horny Honduras.

Rosanne Ca-ta-na-ra, Ms. Spanking Spain.

Lily Vanilli Hussein, Miss Irate Iraq.

And last but not least, Mari-qui-at Del Castro Vi-dal,

Miss Curvaceous Cuba.

Unfortunately we seem to be missing our very own Miss Texas

but as they say in my country, the show must go on.

Thank you, ladies.

I will discuss with myself

and will come up with the results later.

Now, go on and meet interesting old people.

Go, go, go, go.

- You can go in, slut.

- Thank you ever so much.

- The boss' main squeeze.

- Well look for evidence.

Check every room.

- What are we looking for?

- Evidence!

I absolutely refuse to believe bodies like this

exist in real life.

- Freeze!

- I've done that already.

Okay, right now, put your head over your hands.

Or was it the other way around?

It's definitely the other way around.

See? - Okay, okay.

Now drop your gun.

- You drop your gun. - No, you drop your gun.

- No, you drop your gun.

I work for the Bolivian government.

- Drop your gun. - Buddy, drop your gun.

Hey, Bruno, good to see you, guy.

- Not good for you, moron.

I ain't working for Rupert anymore.

- What do you mean, you quit?

I'm a born again Christian now.

There's too much brutality on the streets,

too much domestic violence,

too much gratuitous sex.

I've decided to help society

and put a stop to all of the above.

This is a handgun destined to defend law and order.

It will not confiscate it.

- Thank you. - Use it wisely.

Do not hurt the innocent.

- I won't.

Your shining example is an inspiration to all agents.

- Frank Two! - Bruno!

You didn't go to Mexico after all.

Changed my mind, I'm not really the marrying type.

You saved me from sin.

I owe you my soul, my very existence.

- Let's not exaggerate.

Do your duty, apprehend Rupert, I'll testify.

I've got my own Witness Protection Program.

I've rounded up the guards

and put them in a room where they're watching Oprah.

I'll take these people,

then watch Geraldo while you're taking care of Rupert.

I'll talk to the chief and recommend a pardon.

Let's go, Frank, Ethel needs us.

Ms. Bolivia, or should I say

Agent Maria Conchita Alvarez Fernando Guava

Santa Maria Venezuela Del Carmen.

- Just call me Maria. - Okay.

- Excuse me.

Hello, Rupert. - Ethel.

I thought- - You thought I ran.

This has nothing to do with Iran.

I thought you disappeared.

Ethel, let me introduce you to my wife.

- Your wife? - Of course, it's good for PR.

And me Rupert, what was I, a passing fling?

Are you two romantically involved?

- More or less.

- More than less.

I must admit I have a mad crush on Ethel.

Well, Rupert, in that case, I want a divorce.

I'll take all your money,

the house, the plane, the boat, the condo in Palm Springs,

the SL 500 and the Porsche, the big screen TV

and the beach house in Malibu.

Ethel, if I divorce her, will you marry me?

- I can't marry you, Rupert.

The FBI says you're a drug lord.

- What's wrong with a title?

- They also say you've just lost

a hundred million dollars worth of cocaine.

- Win some, lose some.

I still have enough to buy you a wonderful life.

Cocaine, which turned out to be

nothing but powdered sugar.

- It was?

Very amusing for the Colombians

But then I paid them in counterfeit money.

Oh, gesundheit.

- Well, you recognize me, Hess.

- Gesundheim. - Thanks again.

- You're under arrest. - For what crime may I ask?

- Illegal drug trafficking,

manufacture of phony currency,

conspiracy to sell 10 young ladies

into the Middle East slave trade

and wearing such a ridiculous tuxedo.

- Let me introduce you to

some very important people, Mr. Gesundheim.

This is my attorney, Mr. Herskovitz

of Herskovitz and Herskovitz.

$375 an hour. - Pleasure.

- For you perhaps.

- This is my other attorney.

Mr. Von Bulow of Bulow and Bulow.

$465 an hour. - Pleasure.

And these other people, all of them are my other attorneys,

ranging from $275 to $500 an hour.

Do you think you can make this stick in court?

- You have no witnesses. - You have no evidence.

You have no confession.

- And even if you did

it would have been obtained under duress.

- You have no search warrant.

And having no warrant you are here illegally

and trespassing on private property.

All your claims are therefore null and or voit.

- Voit? - Yeah, voit.

- He means void.

All of the above without prejudice

to our client's rights and remedies at law.

We will sue the Bureau for $10 million.

Plus reasonable attorney's fees and legal expenses.

Rupert, I think this is disgusting.

Your knee high in crime, divorce and lawyers.

I'm leaving you forever.

- Ethel, Ethel, come back.

Leave me alone, Rupert!

He used to beat me, then he put salt on my wounds.

I kind of liked it although they say salt is bad for you.

- Ethel, don't leave me.

Goodbye Rupert, I'm leaving you forever.

- Don't scratch the car!

Go fuck yourself, you cheap shit.

What a woman, what a dynamite female.

Attention all units, I'm in pursuit of suspect

chasing a male prostitute in a stolen car.

Gonna get the honky too.

- Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, stop!

- Make me.

Hey bro, we're with you, let's get the honky.

- Ethel, don't be silly!

Don't throw away such a magnificent opportunity!

- It's all over, Rupert!

- Marry me, Ethel!

- I can't marry you, Rupert,

there's so many things you don't know about me.

I don't care, I still want you to marry me.

- Well then take a good look!

So you're wearing a wig, big deal, we all are.

- You don't get it, Rupert!

My name's not Ethel!

It's Frank Guggenheimer, I'm a man!

- My main man.

What's going down?

- Step out of the car please.

Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool, brother.

Hey, my man, don't give me that look, I'm with you, baby.

We gotta fight the man, you know,

we gotta do the right thing, you know what I'm saying?

Fight the power!

Gimme five, gimme!

- Good work, Mr. Guggenheimer.

- Thank you, Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz.

Like Rupert said, we can only get him on a technicality.

Hess, released on a technicality

is suing the LAPD for 165 million.

The LAPD claim they've already

grossed 172 million-

Jury selection for the trial

begins next week in Kazakhstan.

- Wait, wait, I see.

What's with all this fog?

- It's not fog, it's smog.

We're in L.A.

I hope this won't be a problem for Mr. Gesundheim.

They just left.

They've only got half an hour to make their plane.

Traffic must've been light.

- Who are you guys?

- Frank. - Do I know you?

Come on, Frank, it's me, Misty.

- Oh no, it's not.

- Oh yes it is. - Who the hell are you?

- Gesundheim.

- Thanks, but I didn't sneeze.

- Frank, it really is me, Misty,

or Joanne if you want.

- You sure don't look it.

That's because I'm not undercover anymore.

- You mean- - Yes, you guessed right.

This is how we look in real life.

The faces you used to know, yes, you guessed right,

they're disguises the Bureau designs for us.

- Well, I guess this is goodbye.

- Maybe we'll meet again, Frank.

- I don't think so.

I'm going to pursue my acting career.

- But last night we said-

Last night we said a great deal of foolish things.

You're getting on that plane.

You go where you belong.

The problems of three little people

won't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

You ever get to Washington, call me.

- Okay, I'll give you a ring.

- I hope it's a diamond.

- I feel sorry for them.

They couldn't even afford a decent airline.

This is post-Zo-nu-no America, Frank.

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is still a kiss ♪

Shut up, Sam.

- Okay.

With all due respect to sentiment and emotion,

how much can we get for the film rights, Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz?

- 1 million Mr. Guggenheimer.

- How much for the book rights?

- 750 net, you get to produce. - And you get to direct.

- I love L.A.

Frank, something tells me this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

And that is the naked truth.

Cut.

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ By you and nobody else but you ♪

Work with me, you little slime ball, or you're dead.

Got it.

It didn't go down?

- Real orgasmic speed.

I fucked the line up.

Would you give it to me before I kill you?

Would you give it?

And conspiracy to sell 10 young ladies

into the Middle East drug trade.

No, fuck, shit.

- Would you go for 31?

- Think he's gay?

- You are here illegally

and trespassing on private property.

- And the beach house in Malibu.

- We have a severe eyes, eyes-

- Eyesight. - Eyesight, God!

- Buzz off, geek, can't you see

we're waiting for an informer?

Ladies and gentlemen, get off the plane

on the left side of the front.

Shit!

- Black Russian? - No, I'm just sort of tan.

I'm in pursuit of suspect chasing him.

You're not gonna shoot the harmonica player again tonight,

are you Mr. Hess?

First class passengers will disembark

after the plane has landed.

All your claims are therefore null and therefore void!

- Oh stop it, stop that plane!

Do you have any Gray Poupon?

I need it, I want some, give it to me!

Oh shut up, give me the Gray Poupon!

♪ I drive a Porsche for breakfast ♪

♪ Butter my Rolls Royce for lunch ♪

♪ And when my dinner is served ♪

♪ There's not a dead man's curve ♪

♪ That can keep me from flipping it once ♪

♪ Keep it from flipping it once ♪

♪ Living in L.A. is a great big test ♪

♪ But better than all the rest ♪

♪ They got girls playing gin at the bars ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody cares who's skin you're in ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Naked truth ♪

♪ I'll take a midget to France ♪

♪ Alterations on my pants ♪

♪ All the little girls come from all around the world ♪

♪ Just to get a glimpse of me when I dance ♪

♪ Oh get a look at me when I dance ♪

♪ Living in L.A. is really the best ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not like all the rest ♪

♪ We got people living in a telephone booth ♪

♪ And nobody cares about where you've been ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Strip it all down to the bare essentials ♪

♪ What do you got but your own credentials ♪

♪ Sequence camera riding down Rodeo ♪

♪ Gonna have my espresso cappuccino over mayo ♪

♪ Over mayo, over mayo, hey ♪

♪ Living in L.A. is a great big mess ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not like all the rest ♪

♪ We got girls playing gin and boys call room ♪

♪ Nobody cares what skin you're in ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ The naked truth ♪

♪ Don't know what give this guy ♪

♪ That's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Naked truth ♪

♪ It's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, naked truth ♪

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