All language subtitles for The.Naked.Truth.DVDRIP.XviD.ru.en.1992

- P.
- What?

It's not resents,
P, presents.

Oh, got it.

- Sir, please wake up.

Wake up, sir.

Wake up you little son of bitch,
you shit.

I'm sorry sir, but
you're in a dirty dream.

I always have sexually
oriented dreams.

My upbringing I think.

I grew up in a family
of die hard chauvinists.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm a
feminist

and I can't allow you to
undress me in your dreams.

Hey, please, I need some
water.

Oh yes, you old bitch,
I'll be there in a moment.

- The same dream again?

Haunting me like the
Phantom of the Opera.

"The Hound of the
Baskervilles."

- Calvin Klein's Obsession.

- It's a healthy dream.

Welcome to Hollywood, Frank.

- Why thank you, Frank.

- You're welcome, Frank.

Do you realize we just
completed seven sentences

full of intellectual subtext?

I'm exhausted.

- Crash out, dude.

Extremely well put, Mr.
Ros-top-o-vitz.

- May I help you, miss?

Pardon doll, where is the
bathroom?

Bathroom, first door on the
left.

- Thank you.

- Or was that the right.

No, left is right.

Criticized federal
police for infringement

on his civil rights,

and called upon fellow South
Americans to condemn further-

Easy on the Sweet and Low,
Farrah.

There's not enough jam
on the toast, Sofia.

Sheila, the coffee was too
black.

And not too much pulp
in the juice, Loretta.

What was that bit again?

I will protect my right to
speak freely with my life.

They should have castrated him
first

and then executed him, go on.

That'll be Alex from the studio.

How much we gross last night?

Good, that's good.

Fire six vice presidents,
call me in the morning.

- Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee.

Yes, I'm
scared, you guessed right.

No, I'm not afraid of flying.

Yes, I'm scared for my life.

I'm coming to L.A. to testify

against the ketchup tycoon
slash drug lord Rupert Hess.

Yes, this is where I'm keeping
the evidence against him.

Now I'm not stupid enough
to arrive in Los Angeles

carrying this with me.

Yes, police promise me
protection.

Now I don't believe them.

Hess I'll take care of myself.

I don't know this guy.

Sure, I have ways of finding
out.

- That slimy poisonous snake.

That sleazy, lowlife
informant.

He must be bringing evidence
against me.

Have him killed, Bruno.

- Please?
- What?

- Have him killed, please.

- I want him dead.
- Okay.

Look at them, beautiful,
unsuspected, innocent.

The key to my greatest scheme
ever.

There's a hundred million big
ones riding on those beauties.

Kill Garcia first and
then pick up the girls.

No, pick up the girls
first and then kill Garcia.

But if I pick up the girls
first and then kill Garcia

the girls will see me killing
Garcia.

Darn, kill Garcia first
and then pick up the girls.

- Great idea, boss.

- Morning, Frank.
- Morning, Frank.

Sleep like a baby?

Yeah, yeah, and I'm not the
only one.

Look at the big guy, he's out
cold.

Thrifty Airlines
announce the delayed arrival

of flight 241, Jersey, Dallas,
Miami,

San Francisco and Las Vegas.

Informers on the flight
disembark at gate 69.

- My God, it's amazing.

- What's amazing?

You look just like
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- Who's he work for?

You must be from another
planet.

- I'm from Brooklyn.
- That qualifies.

Sleazy
informant Garcia Garcia,

here to testify against Rupert
Hess

now disembarking at gate 69.

Hired assassins can proceed

with their hideous plans of
extermination.

- Nah, not him.

Mr. Garcia,
informer against

drug lord Rupert Hess,
please meet federal agents

of the Witness Protection
Program

in the arrivals area please.

Mr. Garcia, please.

- Yes.
- That was him, you idiot.

- Okay, boss.

That was him, you idiots.

- Buzz off, geek, can't you see

we're waiting for an informer?

Clear diversion to
mislead us into thinking

those gentlemen behind you are
assassins.

Code 45-A, section one-C,

attempt to deceive a federal
agent.

It's a prosecutable offense.

Oh, I am Garcia, meet
me in the men's room.

- Strange fella.

Think he's gay?

The white
zone in the men's bathroom

is for unloading only, no
homosexuals.

The white zone in the men's
bathroom.

- Mine's already here, Frank.

That's not your suitcase,
Frank, your suitcase isn't pink.

- Yes, it is.

You're making a dreadful
mistake.

- Which can only help the plot.

- My turn.

What next?

Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz
and Mr. Guggenheimer,

passengers Ros-top-o-vitz
and Guggenheimer,

please go to the men's
room and hit your mark.

- Got it, Frank?
- Got it, Frank.

The yellow
zone is for urinating only,

no other type of unloading.

The yellow zone is for urinating
only,

no other type of unloading.

Actually, I'm a very sensitive
man.

As a small boy, I had a terrible
childhood

which haunts me and
sometimes makes me violent.

Other than that I'm just an
average guy.

Please talk.

- Hey Frank.
- Yes, Frank?

That wasn't funny, Frank.

- That wasn't me, Frank.
- My mistake, Frank.

- So you gonna talk?

- Here we go again.

My dear fellow, are you
constipated by any chance?

Oh, definitely constipated,
poor fellow.

Don't worry, like they
say, easy come, easy go.

- Very apropos, Frank.
- Ooh, thank you, Frank.

- I'll talk.
- I'm all ears.

I'm here to testify against
Rupert Hess.

- Duh, what's your evidence?

A very thick organizer with
names, phone numbers, dates.

Would you give it to
me before I kill you?

I don't have it, I got
rid of it on the plane.

Some other passenger
has it in his carry on.

- The name of that passenger?

- Ros-top-o-vitz.

- I didn't hear that, Garcia.

- Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz!

- Yes, Mr. Guggenheimer?
- That wasn't me, Frank.

- Who is this Ros-top-o-vitz?

About five-ten, brown hair,
green eyes, a Capricorn,

real sensitive but a great sense
of humor.

- Where can I find him?

- He's a citizen of the world,

presently on a business trip to
L.A.

He frequents bars, strip
clubs and four-star hotels

where single women can be
approached.

Does he know about the
notebook?

- What notebook?

The notebook Garcia put in his
carry on

unsuspected while Ros-top-o-vitz
was asleep on the plane?

Nah, the man's completely
oblivious.

We'll have to block all the
exits.

If he doesn't cooperate,
we'll have to kill him.

Thanks Garcia, you made
my life a lot easier.

So you're not going to kill
me?

- Ah, I almost forgot.

Why do I always forget these
things?

I don't smoke, I don't drink,

I still can't remember nothing.

What was that name he said
again?

- Ros-top-o-vitz.

- Thanks.
- Don't mention it.

You think constipation killed
him?

No, it was definitely
a 48 with a silencer.

He realized they know I
have the crucial agenda.

- You do?

- Frank.

You think they're going to
kill you?

- Positively.

Well, then you better get out
there.

If they take you out first,
I can get away unharmed.

- Thanks, Frank.

- What are friends for, Frank?

The villains are looking for a
man.

Five-10, brown hair, green eyes.

- A Capricorn, real sensitive.

Which means these incorrect
suitcases

will now come in handy.

Don't wear red, goes
better with my eyes.

Frank, trust me on this.

It's a foolproof plan.

All we have to do is slip out
of here completely unnoticed.

- You must be with the pageant.

- You must be Bruno.
- At your service.

May I take your luggage?

- But of course.

- Help police!

- They're stealing our luggage!

- Help police!

- Ladies, allow me.

Geez, dykes.

- Hi, I'm Ethel.
- And I'm Mirabelle.

- We do makeup.
- And hair.

- We also do body makeup.

Any, if you need some work on
your tans?

- I do.

Maybe I'll need you in
the first couple of days.

I don't want to come out
pale in the pictures.

I'm going to win this pageant.

- I'm sure you will.

Excuse me, is there a ladies
room?

- Yeah.

In the back.

- You're here.

You go past the jacuzzi,

after the master suite
make a right, then a left.

Go back about a quarter mile,

you'll be there in about 10
minutes.

- You're so sweet.

Mirabelle, sweetie, didn't you
say

you had to powder your nose?

- What, no, my nose is fine.

She just gets carried away
sometimes.

- Big bus.
- No shit.

We need to talk.

My feet are killing me
and my bra is too tight.

- Personally, I hate pantyhose

and red lipstick doesn't suit me
at all.

- Frank!

- Don't wrinkle my dress, bitch.

- Frank, come to your senses.

You don't give a shit about the
dress.

You're not a woman.

- I'm not a woman?

I'm not a woman.

Well, thank God, it's still
there.

I'm not a woman.

Is that good or bad?

- We gotta get out of here.

This whole thing is getting out
of hand.

Bruno is-
- Who's Bruno?

You know, the Arnold
Schwarzenegger type.

- How did you know his name?

- I don't know.

Are you having an affair with
him?

- You crazy son of a bitch!

Listen to me, look at me, what
do you see?

- Your mascara is running.

- Who am I?

An ugly Jap who's jealous of
my body.

- Frank!

Snap out of it.

- You hurt me, but I liked it.

Just kidding, I'm okay.

- Who are you?

- I'm Frank Guggenheimer.
- Thank God.

Now listen, Frank, we came here
to-

Make it in Hollywood, act,
write and direct, I know that.

- Now look at us.

We're up to our ass in
drugs, prostitution,

maybe even assassination.

- Hey, look on the bright side.

You ever have so much fun being
a broad?

Think how much fun you're
gonna have

when Bruno finds out you're not

and shoots you right between the
eyes.

You know what this is?

- Garcia's little brown book?

- That's right and it's hot,

names, numbers, dates of
all Hess's drug activities.

- Who, who is it?

It's me, Marsha, can
I come in?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Well, which is it?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

It's getting so hot back there

and I need to change into-
- Something more comfortable?

- You got it.

It's so hot here in
L.A. this time of year.

- Hell.
- Yes, hell

- Much better.

- Much.
- Yes, much.

- Thanks girls, bye.

- What was that you were saying

about getting out of here,
Frank?

- I don't remember anymore.

On one hand, we have real
danger,

the possibility of grievous
bodily harm,

even premature mortality.

On the other we have ironclad
evidence

against the wanted drug lord

and also 10 gorgeous women.

What do you say?

We're young, we're
tough, we can't quit now.

- For rich or for poor.
- For better or worse.

- In sickness and in health.
- Till death do us part.

- I do.
- So do I.

♪ Though I ain't got a diamond ♪

♪ You got money all the time ♪

♪ Walk out to reality ♪

♪ Can't be bought at the store ♪

♪ That's what hearts are for ♪

♪ Though you like to save the
world ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a saving kind of
girl ♪

♪ We're in this together
right from the start ♪

♪ We're in this together ♪

Behind me you see those who
are protesting the pageant.

Fortune 500 company Hess
Ketchup is sponsoring the event

which has run afoul of
the local feminist groups.

This is Peter Hairnet for
the Mafia News Network.

- I'm blind, I can't see.

Arnold Schwarzenegger,
help me, I can't see.

It's a miracle.

I can see.

Senator Kennedy,
please see the concierge

for a delivery of a
case,

Senator Kennedy please.

I know I seen you somewhere
before.

- Yes, you have.

You know, Vogue, Marie
Claire, Harper's Bazaar,

Elle, W Magazine, you name it.

We've had our pictures
taken with Brooke Shields.

- Christie Brinkley.
- Paula Barbieri.

- Claudia Schiffer.
- Paulina Porizkova.

All the supermodels,
we've done them all,

makeup and hair that is.

Well, that explains it, I
guess.

Well, of course it
does, silly, we're famous.

Come on!

Come on, come on.

- Who is it?
- It's Simone.

- That's mine.

I'm Milli Vanilli, let's have
a party.

- You failed me

and you know what happens
to people that fail me.

- They don't get dessert.

- They become off-ramps.

- Before or after dessert?

That Ros-top-o-vitz can hang
me

as long as he has the book.

Find those two idiots and
bring me back the book.

Maybe the guy doesn't
even know he has the book.

I've seen that guy somewhere
before.

- Of course you have you moron,

you ran into him and the other
guy.

Bet I'd recognize him
again, even in disguise.

- Any idiot would recognize him.

- I'm not just any idiot, boss.

Find him, bring him
back to me personally.

Now, get outta here.

I can turn my own pages.

- I hate Pomp and Circumstance.

♪ You build me up just to let me
down ♪

♪ Every time I turn around
you're hot and cold ♪

♪ Hot and cold ♪

♪ No time for your chit chat ♪

♪ Let me know just where you're
at ♪

♪ Push pull ♪

What do you know about Mr.
Hess?

He's a very rich but he's
also old and losing his hair.

He has a huge mansion
with the body guards,

big screen TVs, two
pools and three jacuzzis.

♪ On my chain, girl ♪

♪ I said you build me
up just to let me down ♪

♪ Every time I turn around ♪

I survived the fall from
30,000 feet

and I feel better already.

I drink only Evian and I
never, never mess around

on the first date.

I didn't know you had ketchup
in Iraq.

We don't but then again,
we don't have burgers either.

♪ Guitar ♪

So what's a nice girl like
you doing in a place like this?

Beauty, money and
ambition and I love to win.

Funny, you don't sound Latin
at all.

- I'm not, I'm from Pa-coy-ma.

The Honduran tourist office
is paying me to do this

but what I really want to do is
act.

You could say I'm an aspiring
bimbo.

I hear American men are hot
blooded.

How many did you have?

- None, I'm still a virgin.

- Pack it up, ladies.

It's time to go to bed.

Mr. Hess will expect to
see you at his mansion

tomorrow morning early.

He has turned over his guest
house

for your training and
preparation

and he will personally choose
the ones he wants to date.

And if you're thinking about
going out

without his permission, it won't
fly.

You're restricted to your rooms

and there's a garden every
corridor.

Now break it up.

- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Just ladies.

- Just ladies.

My pleasure to introduce to you
our-

- Host.
- Host.

- Mr. Rupert-
- Hess.

- I know that.

Mr. Rupert Hess.

I want to welcome you
all to the Hess Ketchup

First Annual International
Beauty Pageant.

You are all so beautiful,
so lovely, so sophisticated,

but only a few of you will win.

And those who win will travel.

We'll send you to exotic places
to claim even more prizes,

more cash, more rewards and more
honor

for this, our great country.

First class trips to Bogota,
Cartagena, Haiti, Bolivia

and of course the Middle East.

Treats unprecedented in beauty
contests.

And of course the grand
prize, 50,000 in cash.

And now ladies, I have
a very important meeting

with the local mafia, but I
assure you

in the next couple of days,

we'll get to know each
other very well personally.

There'll be lunches,
dinners, nights on the town,

at the clubs, discos,
bars, the best restaurants,

the swimming in the jacuzzi.

You want it, you'll get it.

Frank, Frank, don't be
strange.

- Why, what's wrong with me?

Stop staring at that guy, are
you crazy?

I'm not staring at
him, he's staring at me.

- I'm Rupert Hess.
- Charmed.

I couldn't help watching
you from a distance.

I found you captivating,
fascinating, different

and so usually fully dressed.

- I'm only the makeup girl.

I'm a Pisces, would you
like to have fish with me?

- Is this a-

- Yes, an invitation to dinner.

I'll pick you up, say six-ish?

- Six-ish then.

- I'm Mirabelle.
- You're ugly.

If you want to have dinner
with her, she's yours.

- Thank you very much.

What am I, chopped liver?

- Leave me alone.

Are you out of your fucking
mind?

- You're jealous.
- Jealous my ass.

You're going out to dinner with
a mobster dressed as a girl.

He didn't say he was
going to dress as a girl.

- Don't get cute with me, Frank.

These damn clothes have started
to change your personality.

You're becoming Ethel.

I don't have to stand
here and let you insult me.

- Oh no, what are you gonna do?

- Powder my nose?
- Frank, listen to me.

We're not women, we're men in
drag.

We did it out of desperation
following a twisted plot

and it's gotta end now.

We're getting out of these
dresses,

we're burning these wigs,

we're going back to what brought
us here in the first place.

Right now the combination
of danger and sex

appeals to me more than money.

The hotel is paid for.

There's 10 gorgeous
half and or fully naked

women for the taking.

And I'm not walking away from
paradise

until either I'm dead or fully
satisfied.

May I remind you that the
former

is a more than distinct
possibility

with a ruthless drug lord?

- Rupert?

Oh, he's a pussycat.

- Will you stop it?

Bruno's already killed
one man in cold blood.

Then he'd already be racked by
guilt.

- Bruno doesn't feel any guilt

because he doesn't have a brain.

And when Rupert finds out
we're not who he thinks we are

we end up in some freeway off
ramp.

I say you make a run for it.

- I can't do that, Frank.
- Why the hell not, Frank?

- I have a date tonight.

Well, don't expect
me to play bridesmaid.

I'm getting out of here.

- Mirabelle!

Silly girl.

I called this meeting
because as you know

business is not exactly booming.

Elections are done,
illegal gambling is off

and the protection
racket is not performing

all because the old geezers
are not up to the job.

Forget it, Miriam, I'm not
listening to any of your excuses

about weak kidneys, slipped
discs and arthritis.

I've heard it all before and to
be honest

to me it sounds like sheer
negativism.

Be aggressive.

Go out and kick some butt.

Now move it!

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry
♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry
♪

♪ My babe she loves to show it
to me ♪

♪ My babe she wears a lot of
jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry
♪

♪ She got an arm full of
every color bracelet ♪

♪ Around her neck she got a
necklace you can taste it ♪

♪ She looks so fine with all
that gold and silver shine ♪

♪ I wanna hold her but
the girl is hard to find ♪

♪ It's on her earlobe,
it's on her big toe ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry
♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry
♪

♪ My baby loves to show it to me
♪

♪ My babe she wears a lot of
jewelry ♪

♪ My baby wears a lot of jewelry
♪

♪ So many rings around her
fingers she can't bend them ♪

♪ She got my picture in a
diamond studded pendant ♪

- God, I'm dead.
- You're not kidding.

- I want to take a nap.
- Oh no you're not.

- Yeah, who's stopping me?

Your big date with Mr. Rupert
Hess.

- Fuck.
- Never on the first date.

- I can do it.

Oh.

Oh, no problem, Frank,
go ahead, take a nap.

Stand Rupert up, get him
pissed, get us both killed.

- Shut up.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I'll jump in the shower,
put some makeup on,

I'll feel like a brand
new woman in no time.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

- Hi honey.

I hope you don't mind.

My roommate was using our tub

so I thought I might borrow
yours.

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on in and share while
the water's still warm.

- I can't do that.
- Don't tell me you're shy.

We're girls after all, come on
Ethel.

I'm straight.

Just take your clothes off and
jump in.

I've never shared a
tub with another person.

You see, I never had a
boyfriend.

I'm sort of a loner, I guess.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Pretty girl like you.

Oops, girl, you're packing
more than you need, aren't you?

Aren't you, Frank?

Okay, okay, what do you want
from me?

- What do you have to offer?

- My body.
- Lousy bargain.

I look better without the
dress.

- Cut to the chase, Ethel.

- Call me Frank, Misty.

The name's Joanne, Frank, I'm
a narc.

It's spelled FBI.

All these years of training
to make this body perfect

and seduce Hess and what
happens?

I get beaten out by a guy in
drag.

- Guess I've got that certain.

- Sure you do, Frank.

That's why you, me and
your friend Mirabelle,

we girls are gonna work together

and put Rupert out of business.

Get a promotion, a raise even,
get a life.

- Hey, I'm not with the FBI.

- I'm talking about me, Frank,

you and the other Frank
will do the legwork.

Pardon the expression.

And I'll collect the benefits.

- What if I refuse?

- Nice try, Frank.

Think I got to be an agent by
accident?

I'll tell you why not.

Work with me you little
shit or you're dead!

Get it?

Good.

- Point made.

What do you want me to do?

You will go to dinner with
Rupert.

You will go back home to his
mansion

and you will seduce him.

- Seduce him?
- I just said that.

- Seduce him?

Frank, you're repeating
yourself.

You're not making any sense.

Okay, let's go.

Wait a minute, what about
Grace Jones out there?

Think I don't already
have that figured out?

Hey Sam!

- Hi Misty.
- Hi Sam.

All's clear if you
want to see the chief.

- Thanks, catch you later.
- Bye.

See you, Frank.

Later, Frank.

The special of
the day at the Hard Bread Cafe-

- Here's the deal.

See those?

They call them elevators.

That's sprinkled
with crispy, crunchy sawdust.

Served with a generous
portion of yesterday's fries

and a slice of bed fly
infested watermelon.

It's a bargain at $32.99.

- Not this one.
- How do you know?

♪ Off we go, head to the wild ♪

We're picking up the chief,
33rd floor.

- There's no 33rd floor.

- No chief either, hit 32, pal.

- 32.

Would you take 31?

- Got a light?
- Sure, Chief.

Thanks, but not while I'm on
duty.

Hello boys, or should I say
hello girls?

Garcia, it's amazing you're
alive!

- No, name's not Garcia.

And yes, I'm alive.

Oh that, yeah, I got shot
point blank, that's right.

Bulletproof vest.

- What the hell is that for?

This is supposed to
be an express elevator.

- No stops.

You just shot a little old
lady!

- Yes I did.

That wasn't a little old lady.

Rupert's spies are all around.

Word gets out I'm alive,

might as well kiss the plan
goodbye.

- Now listen, Garcia.

- Gesundheim.
- I didn't sneeze.

No, his name's not
Garcia, it's Gesundheim.

Yes, I know what you're
thinking.

But that book I placed on you
was a phony.

Wanted Hess to think we
had the goods on him.

Yes, it is an ingenious plan.

No, I still can't arrest him.

Got a payroll a mile long,

cops, judges, the mayor, city
council,

garbage men, senior citizens,

even the God damn illegal
aliens.

You know the name 'em,
they're all on the take.

- The overhead will kill him.

No, I'd rather kill him
myself.

No, I can't get my hands on him
legally.

And yes, you will help me.

- No, we won't.
- And yes, you're crazy.

- You don't have a choice.
- We know who you are.

We got a hold of all your
unpaid parking tickets

in six states.

We also know that you are
aspiring actors.

What we really want to
do is write and direct.

You will never work in this
town again

unless you go along with my
plan.

- What do you want from us?

Let's go have a bite,
they've got a free breakfast.

- But it's after 5:30.

Now you understand why it's
free.

Well, don't just stand
there, Ethel, come on.

You look ravishing.

You're very handsome yourself,
Mr. Hess.

So where are we going tonight?

I will fly you to the moon,
Ethel.

Oh my, I thought we were
going to your house for dinner.

I prepared something rather
exclusive.

By the way, it's a mansion, not
a house.

- Sorry.

Why three helicopters, Rupert?

You must be wondering, why
three helicopters, Rupert?

- You read my mind.

Decoys, if anybody gets any
ideas

they won't know who to shoot
down first.

You like rollercoaster, Ethel?

They make me dizzy, I lose
control.

- Good!

You like speed, Ethel?

You like ecstasy?

- I don't do drugs, Rupert.

I'm talking real ecstasy,
Ethel, real orgasmic speed.

I love it!

Pardon me, would you
have any Gray Poupon?

- What?

I said pardon me, would
you have any Gray Poupon?

- But of course!

Ethel?
- Yes, Rupert?

- You see all this?
- Yes, Rupert.

All mine.

This building over there, mine.

That other one, mine.

I own the biggest buildings in
town.

Like they say, Rupert,

a man's building is an
extension of his far-feg-nu-gen.

Ethel, you're so
intelligent, so shocked, so-

Take your hand
off my knee, Rupert.

Nice to see you again, Mr.
Hess.

New girlfriend?

- Yes, another one.

We're really just
acquaintances.

- The usual?
- Please.

- And what about you, slut?

- Cristal, please.

Oh, that's a first,
a slut with good taste.

- What a rude woman.

- Camille?

She's a putz.

Enough about her, let's talk
about us.

- So, what'll it be, my man?

- Black Russian?

- No, I just have sort of a tan.

What would you like?

- Bud Light.
- You got it.

- Do I know you?

Play dumb,
Frank.

- I don't think so, why?

- I got a really lousy memory.

I always ask people if I
know them, you look familiar.

You sure we haven't met before?

- Oh, I'm positive.

- I'm AB negative.

- Hey, this is empty.

Why do you think they call it
light?

So Bruno, you kill anybody
today?

- Nah, pretty quiet.

- The usual?
- Yeah.

No thanks, I'm trying to cut
down.

- And now let's talk about you.

- Me?
- Yes, about you.

You exude wit, charm, class.

I'm fascinated by you for
some unexplained reason.

There's a kind of charisma about
you

that makes me forget all my good
taste

and very high aesthetic
sensibilities.

I would walk to the ends of
the Earth for a girl like you.

So what do you say, Ethel,

you want to go back to the
mansion, have sex with me?

- Oh, I don't know, Rupert.

You're so fierce.

I need time, I need to get to
know you.

I don't know what it is
about you, but I like you.

I feel I know you.

I'll tell you what, let's be
buddies.

Let's have some fun, what do you
say?

Not a good idea, Frank.

- I don't think so.

- Good!

Drinks are on me, smiley.

- Can you do me a favor, Rupert?

- Anything, Ethel.

Helicopters turn me
off, let's take your car.

Of course, by the way,
it's not a car, it's a limo.

- Sorry.

No, Rupert don't.

You overwhelm little girls,
throw them off balance.

I need a little romance.

- Romance, you want romance?

I'll give you romance.

Driver, pull over.

Hey bro, come here!

- Good evening, sir.

- Excuse me, my good man.

I'll take all the flowers you
have.

Now I want all your money,
motherfucker.

- Don't hurt me.

I'll give you anything you want.

My money, my credit cards, the
car, her.

- Leave me out of this.

Okay, I'll take the
money and the credit cards,

you can keep the car, too
big, lousy on gas mileage.

But this little bitch is mine.

What?

You see, Frank, I don't
usually have this much fun.

My social life stinks.

Got a few problems, know what I
mean?

Like these guys I gotta kill,

one of them is about your
height, same eyes, same hair.

Practically looks like you.

The other guy I don't remember
too good

because he had this camera
in front of his face.

My boss says if I don't
get them, he'll get me.

Problem is, I don't know where
they are.

So look at me.

Look at
him, Frank.

Do I look like a dead man to
you?

Damn right I'm not.

Know why?

Because tomorrow I'm going to
Mexico

with a bunch of bimbos
for a major drug deal.

And it's splits-ville for yours
truly.

A place for Rupert Hess can
never find me

and I can live happily ever.

You're doing the right thing,
Bruno.

- Will that be all, sir?

- No, that will not be all.

I'm paying you good money so
stay in the car until you die.

I'm sure you'll understand why I
bring you

straight to the guest house,
Ethel.

The mansion is a total mess

let alone that my wife would
divorce me

and take all my money
if she saw me with you.

- Your wife?

- Yes.

Thank you for a wonderful
evening, good night.

- Ethel.
- Yes, Rupert?

- I'll be Frank.
- No, I'll be Frank.

- Such a kidder.

Ethel.
- Yes, Rupert.

I want you to know I feel
like we know each other

for a long time.

There's something about you,
I can't put my finger on it.

- You wouldn't want to do that.

You're not like the other
girls.

- Well that's true.

You're strong, you've got
balls.

- That I've got.

The way you handled that
little crisis tonight,

the way your body feels,

so well-built and yet, so, so
feminine.

I don't want you to rush into
anything you don't want to do

so I'll give you 10 minutes to
shower

and slip into something more
comfortable.

I'm a sucker for tough broads.

- Pretty kinky, huh?

- Here's your male accessories.

How'd it go?

- Fine, Sam.

You sure you want to go through
with this?

I have a job to do and
I'll do it, for Misty

for the agency, and for America.

But mainly for me, I haven't
had a man in such a long time.

Has it been 10 minutes
already?

- I wanted to surprise you.
- Naughty boy.

Count to 3,000, then come in.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10,

11, 12, 13, 14, I cheated.

Ethel, Ethel, it's time
to meet Long Dong Silver.

Ow, oh fuck.

Rupee's here.

Ethel, oh, oh Ethel.

What a body, all those muscles,
you're a big, bad mama.

Little Rupert wants big
bad mama to spank him.

Spank little Rupert.

I have
voice recognition, silly.

- Ready.

Damn.

Are you sure?

- Shut up.

Oh, beat me, whip
me,

make me write bad checks.

- Bye!

Frank, meet Ramirez, Ramirez,
Frank.

Ramirez, Frank, Frank, Ramirez.

Ramirez, he couldn't
make it, I am Gonzales.

- I can't believe it.

Months of planning that
operation and that goon Bruno

goes and spills his guts to
him in a cheap strip joint.

Oh, make me feel sleazy, why
don't you?

I wouldn't call it cheap, tacky
maybe.

What now, ride too rough for
you?

- My tooth, killing me.

Transparent decoy to weasel
out.

We've got a rendezvous to make.

They'll hear us miles
away, we better drop him off.

- Or find a dentist.

Where are we gonna
find a dentist out here?

My brother-in-law, he is a
dentist.

- What kind of dentist?

- Beggars can't be choosers.

Hit it, Ramirez.

- Remember I'm Gonzales.

Dr. Kill-dare
to proctology please,

Dr. Kill-dare to proctology.

Dr. Bones to orthopedics, Dr.
Bones to orthopedics, please.

Dr. Milan to radiology,
Dr. Milan to radiology.

- Now say E.

Senor, you have a severe
eyesight problem.

I'm going to have to
give you a prescription

for a pair of glasses.

There's nothing wrong with my
eyesight.

It's my tooth that's killing me.

I know, it is my professional
opinion

that you have a bad tooth.

- I know that, which one?

- That one, senor.

- What can you do about it?

Well, I can give you a filling
for $25

or I can give you a root canal
for $100.

That's it, you need a root
canal.

A hundred dollars, are
you out of your mind?

Si, senor, but that's
not the question here.

It's outrageous, I'm
not paying more than $30.

- 60 dollars.
- 35.

- 55.
- Ow, God!

- That hurt, senor?
- Yes.

- Alright, 50 dollars.

- I don't have the cash.

It's alright, I take American
Express.

Now take two strong drags,
senor, two big ones.

Senor, do you floss?

For another 50 bucks,
I'll give you these free.

When the pain comes, you just
inhale.

- Good deal.

Rupert's planning to take
delivery

of this shipment personally,

the question is how big is the
shipment?

- How big?

Mind your own business,
Gonzales.

The other question is how is he
planning

to smuggling it back into the
country?

- How?
- Gonzales, shut up and drive.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go.

- From here we walk.

- Walk, you expect me to walk?

I'm not even getting paid for
this.

- This is it.

Worth about 60 million we hear.

- Strange.
- What?

- I don't see Rupert anywhere.

- That is strange.

- Maybe he's on the plane.

Or maybe he's right behind
you.

- Nah, couldn't be.
- Yes, it could.

- No, it couldn't.
- Could too.

- Who's voice is that?

- Not mine.
- Or mine.

Gonzalez, you a
ventriloquist or something?

Thank God, I thought it was
hallucinating.

Thank you, Gonzalez, here's
your money.

- Gracias, hombre.

I don't need to count it, I
trust you.

- Gonzales, you slime ball.

You'll pay for this.

Si senorita, home loan, car
payment,

put my kids through college.

- Drop your weapons.

As they say in my country.

I bet that means two birds
with one stone in German.

Your linguistic skills won't
be enough

to save you, Mr. Guggenheimer.

Search them.

- Get your hands off me.

Don't touch me.

Why do you look so familiar to
me?

What about me, don't I look
familiar?

You look ugly, but Mr.
Guggenheimer here

is very, very familiar.

Just can't put my finger on it.

Good job, boys.

Waste of a good body to be
working

for the Federal Bureau of
Incompetence.

You won't get away with this,
Hess.

- How old are you, my dear?

- 25 next month.

I'm afraid we'll have to
sing "Happy Birthday" now

as you won't be around next
month.

Boys.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

?Happy birthday to you?

♪ Happy birthday dear Misty ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- I get it, thanks.

You're all so nice.

- You'll never get me, you know.

There's no trail, no evidence.

You'll have to nail me on a
cheap technicality like a pawn.

Put them on the plane.

I personally will fly you to
10,000 feet

and drop you off so to speak.

Have a nice flight.

By the way, your guess
was way off, I'm hurt.

The street value of this
cocaine was 110 million.

- Hi guys!

Mind pointing those things
somewhere besides my face?

One of them might go off.

- We'll shoot you anyway.

Oh, that's not what Mr. Hess
says.

He says we're getting
dropped into the jungle

from 10,000 feet.

Isn't that right, gang?

Thanks.

If we ever get out of this,
I'll make it up to you guys.

I think I
know a way out of this.

- Yeah, right.

Remember the laughing
gas the dentist gave me?

- Of course, it's brilliant.

When I say now, take a
deep breath and hold it.

- Now wait a minute, Frank.
- Now!

- Shut up, shut up and sit down!

- Oh shit!

- Get the wheel, Frank.

- Wheel, get the wheel.

You asshole, this is
tremendous fun.

- Enjoy it, Rupert!

You're gonna laugh.
- That's funny.

You wanna kill me?

Hilarious!

Because I'd like to kill you but
I can't!

- Ditto!

- Get the wheel!

Get the wheel!

That's a new jacket,
Rupert.

- Khaki's not your color.

So you want to tell me how you
do it?

- Do what?

- Get the drugs to L.A.

- Over my dead body.
- Okay.

- No, don't drop me, pull me in.

I'll tell you everything you
want to know.

- Okay, talk.

The girls, from the beauty
pageant.

The luggage, we add a piece to
each one.

Customs won't check, they're
celebrities.

11 suitcases filled
with Columbia's finest.

- He's lying.
- Are you lying, Rupert?

I swear to you, I'm
telling you the truth.

- The whole truth?
- And nothing but the truth.

- So help you God?
- Don't push it.

- Don't forget to write!

Thank God I'm alive,
I'm alive!

All I have to do is find
a cellular phone, right?

Nothing can go wrong now.

- We gotta land this thing.

- No shit, Jose,

except for the fact that we
don't know how

and we're out of gas.

Why are you always
so hung up on details?

Leave it here, will you, buddy?

- Congratulations, Misty.

Did the two bums cooperate?

The two bums are
sitting right next to me

and yes they did cooperate.

I couldn't have done it without
them.

- Thank you, thank you.
- It was nothing really.

- You know, you all amaze me.

You uncovered Rupert's plan,

you followed him to the
Caribbean,

you bound him loading a
hundred million dollars

worth of cocaine onto a plane,

you got shoved around by a
bunch of Colombian thugs.

Cut to the chase,
Chief, we know all that.

- To make a long story short

you managed to get rid of the
thugs.

You landed the plane and you
delivered to the authorities.

260 pounds of pure powdered
sugar.

- Funny, Chief.
- Yeah, what a kidder.

- This is powdered sugar.

He isn't kidding, it's
powdered sugar alright.

Which brings us to a dead
end for this investigation

as a single question looms
towards us.

Don't go away, we'll be back.

Damn, they have
all these commercials.

The bureau must be desperate.

- Did I hear right?

You said you got rid of the
thugs.

- So?
- He didn't mention Rupert.

- We got rid of Rupert, right?

- Yes, sir.

He went down like a bullet.

This is a sad day for the
Bureau.

We lost our only chance
to put Rupert away.

Not so fast, Chief, Rupert
took a dive in 20,000 feet

and no parachute.

That lake full of
alligators broke his fall.

How come he wasn't eaten
alive?

- Would you eat a German?

Chief, before you go,
Rupert can only trick us once.

That powdered sugar gag was
clever

but we will find the cocaine

and we will put him away for
good.

You better, my retirement
plan depends on it.

I'm supposed to surrender
my badge next week

and start a phone sex 900
service.

Do your best.
- We will, Chief.

A great man, great agent.

30 years with the force

and he's giving it all up for
the good clean, quiet life.

Ladies and gentlemen.

- Miss Young Yugoslavia.

Monique Perrier, Ms. Fiery
France.

Maria Conchita Reyes,
Miss Bodacious Bolivia.

Rica Goulash, Miss Hungary
Hungary.

Tor-ota Kra-kova, Miss Polluted
Poland.

Simone Linguini, Miss Idyllic
Italy.

Marcia Marciano, Miss Horny
Honduras.

Rosanne Ca-ta-na-ra, Ms.
Spanking Spain.

Lily Vanilli Hussein, Miss Irate
Iraq.

And last but not least,
Mari-qui-at Del Castro Vi-dal,

Miss Curvaceous Cuba.

Unfortunately we seem to be
missing our very own Miss Texas

but as they say in my
country, the show must go on.

Thank you, ladies.

I will discuss with myself

and will come up with the
results later.

Now, go on and meet
interesting old people.

Go, go, go, go.

- You can go in, slut.

- Thank you ever so much.

- The boss' main squeeze.

- Well look for evidence.

Check every room.

- What are we looking for?

- Evidence!

I absolutely refuse to
believe bodies like this

exist in real life.

- Freeze!

- I've done that already.

Okay, right now, put
your head over your hands.

Or was it the other way around?

It's definitely the other way
around.

See?
- Okay, okay.

Now drop your gun.

- You drop your gun.
- No, you drop your gun.

- No, you drop your gun.

I work for the Bolivian
government.

- Drop your gun.
- Buddy, drop your gun.

Hey, Bruno, good to see you,
guy.

- Not good for you, moron.

I ain't working for Rupert
anymore.

- What do you mean, you quit?

I'm a born again Christian
now.

There's too much brutality on
the streets,

too much domestic violence,

too much gratuitous sex.

I've decided to help society

and put a stop to all of the
above.

This is a handgun destined
to defend law and order.

It will not confiscate it.

- Thank you.
- Use it wisely.

Do not hurt the innocent.

- I won't.

Your shining example is an
inspiration to all agents.

- Frank Two!
- Bruno!

You didn't go to Mexico after
all.

Changed my mind, I'm not
really the marrying type.

You saved me from sin.

I owe you my soul, my very
existence.

- Let's not exaggerate.

Do your duty, apprehend
Rupert, I'll testify.

I've got my own Witness
Protection Program.

I've rounded up the guards

and put them in a room where
they're watching Oprah.

I'll take these people,

then watch Geraldo while
you're taking care of Rupert.

I'll talk to the chief
and recommend a pardon.

Let's go, Frank, Ethel needs us.

Ms. Bolivia, or should I say

Agent Maria Conchita
Alvarez Fernando Guava

Santa Maria Venezuela Del
Carmen.

- Just call me Maria.
- Okay.

- Excuse me.

Hello, Rupert.
- Ethel.

I thought-
- You thought I ran.

This has nothing to do with
Iran.

I thought you disappeared.

Ethel, let me introduce you to
my wife.

- Your wife?
- Of course, it's good for PR.

And me Rupert, what
was I, a passing fling?

Are you two romantically
involved?

- More or less.

- More than less.

I must admit I have a mad crush
on Ethel.

Well, Rupert, in that
case, I want a divorce.

I'll take all your money,

the house, the plane, the boat,
the condo in Palm Springs,

the SL 500 and the
Porsche, the big screen TV

and the beach house in Malibu.

Ethel, if I divorce
her, will you marry me?

- I can't marry you, Rupert.

The FBI says you're a drug lord.

- What's wrong with a title?

- They also say you've just lost

a hundred million
dollars worth of cocaine.

- Win some, lose some.

I still have enough to
buy you a wonderful life.

Cocaine, which turned out to
be

nothing but powdered sugar.

- It was?

Very amusing for the Colombians

But then I paid them in
counterfeit money.

Oh, gesundheit.

- Well, you recognize me, Hess.

- Gesundheim.
- Thanks again.

- You're under arrest.
- For what crime may I ask?

- Illegal drug trafficking,

manufacture of phony currency,

conspiracy to sell 10 young
ladies

into the Middle East slave trade

and wearing such a ridiculous
tuxedo.

- Let me introduce you to

some very important
people, Mr. Gesundheim.

This is my attorney, Mr.
Herskovitz

of Herskovitz and Herskovitz.

$375 an hour.
- Pleasure.

- For you perhaps.

- This is my other attorney.

Mr. Von Bulow of Bulow and
Bulow.

$465 an hour.
- Pleasure.

And these other people, all of
them are my other attorneys,

ranging from $275 to $500 an
hour.

Do you think you can
make this stick in court?

- You have no witnesses.
- You have no evidence.

You have no confession.

- And even if you did

it would have been obtained
under duress.

- You have no search warrant.

And having no warrant
you are here illegally

and trespassing on private
property.

All your claims are
therefore null and or voit.

- Voit?
- Yeah, voit.

- He means void.

All of the above without
prejudice

to our client's rights
and remedies at law.

We will sue the Bureau for $10
million.

Plus reasonable attorney's
fees and legal expenses.

Rupert, I think this is
disgusting.

Your knee high in crime,
divorce and lawyers.

I'm leaving you forever.

- Ethel, Ethel, come back.

Leave me alone,
Rupert!

He used to beat me,
then he put salt on my wounds.

I kind of liked it although
they say salt is bad for you.

- Ethel, don't leave me.

Goodbye Rupert, I'm leaving
you forever.

- Don't scratch the car!

Go fuck yourself, you cheap
shit.

What a woman, what a dynamite
female.

Attention all units,
I'm in pursuit of suspect

chasing a male prostitute in a
stolen car.

Gonna get the honky too.

- Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, stop!

- Make me.

Hey bro, we're with
you, let's get the honky.

- Ethel, don't be silly!

Don't throw away such a
magnificent opportunity!

- It's all over, Rupert!

- Marry me, Ethel!

- I can't marry you, Rupert,

there's so many things
you don't know about me.

I don't care, I still
want you to marry me.

- Well then take a good look!

So you're wearing a
wig, big deal, we all are.

- You don't get it, Rupert!

My name's not Ethel!

It's Frank Guggenheimer, I'm a
man!

- My main man.

What's going down?

- Step out of the car please.

Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool,
brother.

Hey, my man, don't give me
that look, I'm with you, baby.

We gotta fight the man, you
know,

we gotta do the right thing,
you know what I'm saying?

Fight the power!

Gimme five, gimme!

- Good work, Mr. Guggenheimer.

- Thank you, Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz.

Like Rupert said, we can
only get him on a technicality.

Hess,
released on a technicality

is suing the LAPD for 165
million.

The LAPD
claim they've already

grossed 172 million-

Jury selection for
the trial

begins next week in Kazakhstan.

- Wait, wait, I see.

What's with all this fog?

- It's not fog, it's smog.

We're in L.A.

I hope this won't be a
problem for Mr. Gesundheim.

They just left.

They've only got half an
hour to make their plane.

Traffic must've been light.

- Who are you guys?

- Frank.
- Do I know you?

Come on, Frank, it's me,
Misty.

- Oh no, it's not.

- Oh yes it is.
- Who the hell are you?

- Gesundheim.

- Thanks, but I didn't sneeze.

- Frank, it really is me, Misty,

or Joanne if you want.

- You sure don't look it.

That's because I'm
not undercover anymore.

- You mean-
- Yes, you guessed right.

This is how we look in real
life.

The faces you used to know,
yes, you guessed right,

they're disguises the
Bureau designs for us.

- Well, I guess this is goodbye.

- Maybe we'll meet again, Frank.

- I don't think so.

I'm going to pursue my acting
career.

- But last night we said-

Last night we said a great
deal of foolish things.

You're getting on that plane.

You go where you belong.

The problems of three little
people

won't amount to a hill of
beans in this crazy world.

You ever get to Washington,
call me.

- Okay, I'll give you a ring.

- I hope it's a diamond.

- I feel sorry for them.

They couldn't even
afford a decent airline.

This is post-Zo-nu-no America,
Frank.

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is still a kiss ♪

Shut up, Sam.

- Okay.

With all due respect
to sentiment and emotion,

how much can we get for the
film rights, Mr. Ros-top-o-vitz?

- 1 million Mr. Guggenheimer.

- How much for the book rights?

- 750 net, you get to produce.
- And you get to direct.

- I love L.A.

Frank, something tells
me this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

And that is the naked
truth.

Cut.

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ By you and nobody else but you
♪

Work with me, you little
slime ball, or you're dead.

Got it.

It didn't go down?

- Real orgasmic speed.

I fucked the line up.

Would you give it to
me before I kill you?

Would you give it?

And conspiracy to sell 10
young ladies

into the Middle East drug trade.

No, fuck, shit.

- Would you go for 31?

- Think he's gay?

- You are here illegally

and trespassing on private
property.

- And the beach house in Malibu.

- We have a severe eyes, eyes-

- Eyesight.
- Eyesight, God!

- Buzz off, geek, can't you see

we're waiting for an informer?

Ladies and gentlemen, get off
the plane

on the left side of the front.

Shit!

- Black Russian?
- No, I'm just sort of tan.

I'm in pursuit of suspect
chasing him.

You're not gonna shoot the
harmonica player again tonight,

are you Mr. Hess?

First class passengers will
disembark

after the plane has landed.

All your claims are therefore
null and therefore void!

- Oh stop it, stop that plane!

Do you have any Gray Poupon?

I need it, I want some, give it
to me!

Oh shut up, give me the Gray
Poupon!

♪ I drive a Porsche for
breakfast ♪

♪ Butter my Rolls Royce for
lunch ♪

♪ And when my dinner is served ♪

♪ There's not a dead man's curve
♪

♪ That can keep me from flipping
it once ♪

♪ Keep it from flipping it once
♪

♪ Living in L.A. is a great big
test ♪

♪ But better than all the rest ♪

♪ They got girls playing gin at
the bars ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody cares
who's skin you're in ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Naked truth ♪

♪ I'll take a midget to France ♪

♪ Alterations on my pants ♪

♪ All the little girls come
from all around the world ♪

♪ Just to get a glimpse
of me when I dance ♪

♪ Oh get a look at me when I
dance ♪

♪ Living in L.A. is really the
best ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not like all the
rest ♪

♪ We got people living
in a telephone booth ♪

♪ And nobody cares about
where you've been ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Strip it all down to
the bare essentials ♪

♪ What do you got but
your own credentials ♪

♪ Sequence camera riding down
Rodeo ♪

♪ Gonna have my espresso
cappuccino over mayo ♪

♪ Over mayo, over mayo, hey ♪

♪ Living in L.A. is a great big
mess ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not like all the
rest ♪

♪ We got girls playing
gin and boys call room ♪

♪ Nobody cares what skin you're
in ♪

♪ And that's the naked truth ♪

♪ The naked truth ♪

♪ Don't know what give this guy
♪

♪ That's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, the naked truth ♪

♪ Naked truth ♪

♪ It's the naked truth ♪

♪ Yeah, naked truth ♪

Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com