Original subtitles

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So this is it, the infamous erotic bed.

This is it.

This is where they all get the heebie -jeebies from the erotic witch. You

feeling the heebie -jeebies in you from the erotic witch, honey?

I don't need a witch for that.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm. What do you need?

I don't know. Let's have a picnic.

A picnic, huh? Mm -hmm. Yeah?

Feeling hungry?

I'm feeling very hungry.

Good. We're going to work up an appetite.

Did you bring good food for our picnic?

Um, I think you're going to like it.

Really?

Come here, lover boy.

I'm right here.

How you feeling?

Oh, that kind of picnic.

Uh -huh.

I like these kinds of picnics.

Oh, really?

Oh, hors d 'oeuvres.

There you go.

Like that, huh?

Yeah.

Can you dance a little for me?

Just to get us worked up in our appetite.

There you go.

Is that good enough for you, baby?

Can you turn around?

Well, that's great.

You like that, huh?

Uh -huh.

Just don't pull my chain.

Well, uh... Come here.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, so much.

Hold on to me.

Hold on to me.

Hold on.

It's just a leaf.

It's just a leaf on your face. It's okay.

Hold on.

What? What?

What?

Honey.

What is that?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, there he is. There he is.

Sheriff, Sheriff, is it true the human remains of a journal dated 1812 were

recently found in the woods?

We discovered an extremely ancient corpse and a journal of some kind. The

discovery was made by a couple of college lovebirds.

They found a body. Now, we don't know how old the body is, so we're having a

forensics team studying some dental records, and we got some officials from

Bacchusville Museum.

carbon dating the journal.

Is it true, Sheriff, that the journal proves without a doubt the existence of

Helena Pottsworth, the legendary erotic witch?

God damn it to hell, Tolliver. You listen to me right now, okay?

You print so much as a molecule of what you just said in that asswipe you call a

newspaper of yours, and I will personally string you up by your ankles,

you from your Adam's apple down to your doodle, and bugger your screen.

You understand what I'm saying? I just got finished.

getting rid of all the perverts from Bacchusville. And I'll be damned if I'm

going to see Bacchusville's woods being turned into a masturbation haven again.

You got me?

Yes, Sheriff.

Interview over.

But Sheriff, Sheriff, isn't it true that... Sheriff, isn't it true that you

were... Sheriff, please, Sheriff. Bite my shorts. Sheriff, please, Sheriff.

Smoke my underpants.

I'll kick you in the ankle.

I'll bite you in the ass.

How's the examination coming?

Detective Manz, you startled me.

I'm sorry.

Listen, did you get any verification on the dates yet?

No, I haven't even managed to get the damn thing open.

Oh, damn it.

You know, the mayor is just breathing down my neck on this whole thing. He

wants to put the myth of the erotic witch to bed once and for all, you know.

So I'll check in with you tomorrow.

In the meantime...

Why don't you try some lube on this thing?

That's what I use when I find myself in a tight situation.

August 10th, 1812, the year of our Lord.

And the day Helena Pottsworth brought the erotic fever to the naive town of

Bacchusville like a plague of locusts. My hand trembles as if an unholy seizure

were upon it.

It's all I can do to resist the urge to fondle myself.

But the tale must be told.

Oh, my God.

I stand before you here today as your newly elected mayor, and I'm going to

you know right now that I'm going to start implementing some of the plans

got me elected mayor in the first place.

Any citizen found on a horse that is over the legal limit of corn squeezing

shall have their horse taken from them by the city.

clog our city streets no more.

Miss Parker and her filthy horsehouse shall not be allowed to do businesses in

this town any longer.

And God damn it, Pierre, you are not marching with us in the same package

pray.

I shall make Pocketsville a shining example of the American way.

I shall make Pocketsville a city you can be proud to raise your children in. And

if anybody doesn't agree with me, I shall have them killed.

Oh, I mean, I'd be happy to discuss any of my policies with any citizen at any

time. Now, are there any questions?

No?

Good. Well, I shall see everybody this Sunday in church at Pocketsville Church.

And remember, while going to church is not mandatory, if I do not see you there

in church, I shall have you killed.

Oh, I mean, don't forget to bring extra pennies for the big sale after the

sermon. This first.

My dear.

Oh, Rudy.

It's such a beautiful day.

Yes, it is.

Why don't we go for a walk in the woods?

No, my dear, I'm far too busy for that. We're going to head over to the

elementary school for a good old -fashioned book burning. We're going to

every book with objectional material in it.

Well, what if you don't find any?

Well, then we'll have some.

Then we'll burn the book, then we'll hang the librarian. See, it's a win -win

situation all the way around.

It's great to be dead.

Oh,

I mean, what a pleasure it is doing my duty for a school.

Pardon me, dear, we have lots of books to burn. Come with me, John.

Bye.

Oh, you're my life.

Oh, no, you just need to know how to communicate with animals.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I've never seen you before. Who are you? I am Helena Pottsworth.

Helena Pottsworth?

The only Helena Pottsworth I've ever heard of is the old spinster that

schoolchildren whisper about.

Oh, you think of my mother.

She was mysterious and secretive, just like I am.

Oh, um... No.

I was just sunbathing. I was here watching you long before the gorilla

Oh.

You must think I'm filthy. No.

No, I come from a long line of healers and thinkers. We delve in the realm of

sexuality.

Sexuality? Yes.

He ignores you, doesn't he?

Yes. Let me show you the pleasures he will not.

That was... that was... Liberating?

Oh, yes.

I want you to come to Bacchusville with me. The town thinks you're an old crone.

You saved my life. You deserve a hero's welcome.

No, people like me need to stay in solitude.

Oh, don't be silly. The townspeople will love you.

But we should probably keep what happened here today to ourselves.

Why?

Oh, my husband, the mayor.

The townspeople, they wouldn't understand.

They'd think it evil and profane. Do you think what we did was evil and profane?

No, never.

Ban! If my theory is correct...

driving a rusty railway spike up the left nostril will cure insomnia.

Gee, Dr.

Pete, you're a frickin' genius. Now, if only you could create a drug that would

turn the entire community into mindless zombies, that would be great.

Oh, I mean, if only you could create a drug that would alleviate humans, but no

bullshit, I want mindless zombies. You think you could do that? Yeah, well,

enough to do it. Start some funs your way? Oh, yes.

Come there, Rudolph.

I am Helena Pottsworth.

Helena Pottsworth.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's a pleasure to meet you. I wish I could see you, but it's a pleasure to

you. You saved my wife's life, and for that I'm forever in your debt. That is

all I'm talking about.

So, why don't you tell us and the community something about yourself?

Well, I come from a long line of herbalists and healers.

Helena knows all there is to know about this. human body.

Really? Well, as town physicians and chemists, I'd love to discuss theories

you sometime.

Well, I'm sure we can arrange that. Oh, good.

I want each and every one of you to know I plan on putting my hands on all of

you. I know the ancient secrets of health and happiness and will enlighten

all.

with something so trivial. I hate that smelly old bastard.

I mean, he's really coming.

What are you blabbering on about, boy?

Oh, no.

That horrible mountain man.

Speak. Touch my nipples.

I never imagined Miss Pottsworth to be so, so beautiful.

Yes, but more than that, she seems so worldly and so wise.

I get the strangest sensation just being near her.

Something I've never felt before.

Yes. We should go visit her soon.

Why wait?

There's no time like the present.

Miss Pottsworth, we didn't see you there.

Oh, call me Helena.

So what should I call you two besides delicious?

I'm Lucy, and this is... This is... Amy.

So, you two hope to learn the wisdom that's been passed down to me, huh?

Well, get undressed.

Undressed? Yes, get undressed.

You can't possibly hope to learn the possibilities of the universe if you

even know your own body.

You know, I don't know what, but there's something about that woman.

I think she's going to spell trouble for this town.

I'd ride her out of here on a railroad track, but we haven't built a railroad.

But even if we still had a railroad, I have to be careful.

She did save Diane's life.

I have to think of the voters.

Oh, look, boys, a local street merchant selling his wares.

Does my art please you, sir?

You can have it for a fair price.

That's not art. It's shit.

Yes, sir. I made it myself. I saved a ton on paint.

I call it feces in repose.

You're a horrible, disgusting little man. That's the most disgusting thing

seen all day. Bubba, get over here.

Give this man a good flogging. Oh, he sure is pretty.

Clog up his pores so he can't inflict it.

Why don't you bring it along? We'll give it to the mother -in -law at the

Christmas gift.

Good afternoon, Mayor.

Yes, ma 'am. Good afternoon, Mayor Rudolph.

Hello, how are you this fine and lovely day, Miss Chase?

I'm doing very well.

Especially considering the money you raised to help the Bakersfield

Ah, yes, the Bakersfield Schoolhouse. Well, I was going to take that money and

build myself a great big mansion, but it was the school issue that helped put me

over the top in the election.

God knows I hate this godforsaken little town, and the children of Bakersfield

are going to grow up to be nothing but dirt farmers and baby -making machines.

But I think if the rest of the country can see that I bring this crappy little

town into prosperity, it'll bring me that much closer to my bid for the

presidency.

Oh, I mean, education is very important to me, my dear.

Oh, yes.

Well, thank you again.

Oh, my pleasure.

Have a nice day.

Okay. What a great girl.

A woman of such great moral fiber.

Let's go see if we can find an amendment to wipe our asses with.

No.

My chicken's hungry, boy.

I say my chicken's hungry.

Now you pick, boy. All to read.

I won't play this game no more.

Oh, you's gonna play, boy.

Unless you want the whole town to know you spared of a chicken.

Oh, boy.

It just ain't your day, is it? You ready, Mr.

Chicken? You ready?

Goddamn chicken, goddamn chicken.

Mr. Chicken like that, he's surely dead.

Goddamn chicken.

Hey boys.

We've got a game for you to play.

Helena's sexual healing had rekindled the passion I had once felt for my

husband.

But, once again, his work came before his husbandly duties.

Why, hello, my sweetness.

Guess what I'm working on. A law that will tax people for breathing, picking

their nose, or picking at their dingleberries.

A freaking genius.

You've been working so hard.

Yes, I have. I'm thinking of brand new ways to talk to people.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Please stop that. You're wrinkling the threads.

I just had this cleaned, my dear.

Anything. No matter how sick, twisted, or painful.

Please, my dear. Yes, there is something that you can do for me. I'm having my

pretty pony shoes down at the blacksmith with solid gold shoes.

Right this very minute, my pretty pony. I love her. She's so cute. You can go

fetch her for me.

Wash my poo -poo undies and get my pretty pony for me.

Go before I attack you.

Very busy.

Dingleberry.

Fucking genius.

Oh, hi, Carol.

Diane, what a pleasant surprise. It's been so long.

Oh, I know. I should have stopped by sooner. I wish you had.

I can imagine.

Definitely. I was here actually to pick up Rudy's new pony.

Oh, what a shame. You just missed him. He'll be back in a few hours if you'd

like to come back.

No, actually, why don't I just wait? Why don't you?

You know, you are quite an attractive woman.

Why, thank you. It's mutual.

Well, thank you. I mean, you're really attractive.

3, 2, 1

It seemed that Helena's influence was spreading through the town like

But there still remained a few who were immune to her influence.

What's happening in this town? I don't know, but people have been

coming to my office for the last two days complaining of strange fever. It

started when that Miss Pottsworth woman came to town. You're right. Now, think

you're not to poke my hat.

We should just juggle up.

Oh, I mean, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. We should just let the

its good.

Good morning.

Today's sermon is about the temptation of the flesh and the sins that we must

not succumb to.

Now, if you will all open your Bibles to page 459.

Oh, Rabbi!

Fucking coming.

Oh, crap. I've got to make this quick.

Okay.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Fornication. Unless you're married.

Forget about it.

Masturbation. Don't do it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Bestiality.

No way.

God will smite and forget the homosexuality. He who entereth man

the kingdom of heaven.

Beg forgiveness.

Fire and brimstone.

Pecking at your testicles for all of eternity.

The donation tray.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

God bless.

Divine plan.

Blessed are we who... Let us pray.

Oh, Reverend, tell me about Satan again.

Oh, yeah, Satan, he's bad.

He's really, really bad. How bad? That's how bad I can look.

Oh! Yeah, I'm a bit mediocre, but bad is something else. Oh, he's got horns?

He's got horns. How big are they?

And they jab you. He's talking about his trident now. Oh, yeah, more than that.

Are you kidding? His tail. His tail is even long. Oh, boy. And here he comes

here. Because it's one of these things. Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Oh, my God.

Amen. Can I hear an amen?

Maybe the mayor was right.

Maybe this town's just a waste.

Oh, Diane, you startled me.

What have you been here so late?

I've been watching you, Miss Chase.

I must say, you are quite an attractive woman.

I know that you're a wonderful teacher, but are you a good student as well?

What do you mean, Diane?

Are you feeling well?

Oh, very.

She's never felt better, in fact.

Miss Pottsworth, what are you doing here? We're here to teach you. What is

meaning of this?

Why are you both looking at me like that?

We're here to teach you, dear. Don't be scared.

Teach me what?

Art?

No.

Don't, Miss Pottsworth. Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I cannot describe what I had become.

Helena Pottsworth had released a beast buried deep inside me, and I had found

and freed that same beast in the other women of Bacchusville.

But the women were not the only ones harboring beasts.

The entire town is in shambles.

They seem to have become the heck of zombies.

It seems that only we three have not succumbed to this... this... Erotic

Yes!

You should all be ashamed of yourself.

No, Mayor, you should be ashamed.

You ignore your own wife and make these people feel like sex is a bad thing,

when it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

ever seen Diana act that way before?

Yes, every night. Isn't it absolutely annoying?

I can't keep this place forever. The act of such is very taxing on the human

body. No, it's absolutely disgusting.

She hates that they exhaust themselves and then grab that pot -wood woman and

then force a cure out of her.

Yes. That new kidnapping technique I've heard so much of. You're brilliant,

Doctor.

Is my pony ready yet?

It's quieted down out there. Let's go.

Oh, okay.

No, no, no, no. This way, this way. Oh, okay.

Why is my zipper open?

You don't have to, Tim.

I love the smell of burning witch in the morning.

Big bird, no.

What's the matter, town folks?

Too tired to help your precious erotic witch?

That's right, I said it. She's a witch.

She bedeviled this entire community with her black magic. And the price to pay

her to buy the...

Brenda, bitch, what the fuck do I care?

Right! Doctor!

Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an arsonist!

No!

You are an ignorant man, Mayor Rudolph, but you are correct.

Bacchusville is your town.

Therefore, I will leave this place, and I will take the pleasure of the flesh

with me.

No mortal eye shall ever gaze upon me.

But those who are brave enough to venture into the woods will feel my

know the pleasure that is mine to bestow.

That's right, girly.

And now that the town is mine once again, I'm going to work harder than

learning... Where the fuck are you going? Hey, doc, where are you going?

jerks, get over here now.

This is my time. Go, go, go. I don't need you all.

Bye.

Chicken again tonight.

Are you here?

Fuck me.