Original subtitles

so so

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present our tribute to the Lower

Hospital.

We'll go for it.

What?

Have you been in show business?

Ever since I was 17.

Eight years.

Eight years?

Nearly eight years.

And what position are you holding at the moment?

I'm sort of like upright but relaxed, like you say.

No, I meant in show business. Oh, I'm sorry.

I beg your pardon? I'm a chorus boy.

Well, you see, it all started for me down in Bournemouth.

When, unbeknownst to myself, my then -fiancée took a snapshot of me while I

at the water's edge having a paddle.

She sent the snap up to the town hall.

The next thing I knew, I'd been entered for the knobbly knees contest.

Well, I didn't want to let my fiancée down, so I went through with it, but I

can't tell you how I felt stood up there in front of all those ogling women with

my kneecaps completely naked.

After the competition, which incidentally I won, there was a party

my downfall.

Yes, I tasted the sweet life.

I tasted the dolce vita of Boscombe and Poole.

Is there any truth in the rumour that there's a certain amount of cheating in

the Noblinese contest?

I'm ashamed to have to tell you this, but some of the men wear falsies.

What?

Flesh -coloured plastic kneecaps.

Got to the stage now where before every competition a nurse goes round with a

little hammer, tapping them and testing them.

I can't tell you how embarrassing it is when one of them drops off.

It would be like a cattle market now. It's no wonder I joined the men's

liberation movement.

You did rather well, and you found yourself in several touring plays. I

you played me.

Yes, I did. In Manchester and Birmingham, all those.

Oh, yes.

I was a bit of a hell -raiser in those days.

They used to call us the Rat Pack.

Not just me, there was Athene Siler, Edith Evans, Kathleen Harrison,

Robert Morley.

All our drinkers, you know.

After the show every night, we'd go into the Queen's Arms there.

Many's the night, I've downed as many as seven pints of shandy, straight off.

You live life with a big L.

And sometimes I suffered pain with a big P.

Like when I met this terrible agent.

This lady producer.

She said, I'm having a surprise party. I got a surprise when I got there, I can

tell you.

Carrying on like that was disgraceful.

It's like that film about Gomorrah and that other place, you know.

A tower of barbell there. It was full of beatniks with long sideboards full of

drink.

I mean, the side... They had sideboards full of drink.

Some of the men was just as bad.

I tell you, they were witches there. They were practicing witchcraft. Not

lady witches, but men witches. They had men witches there.

Wallops. It's true, I tell you.

Which is there?

Warlock's mail.

Oh, I see.

They said to me...

They said she's waiting for you in her den. So, of course, I went straight

in. Well, you're really taking an awful chance.

I mean, you're really very attractive.

I know.

I thought I'd be all right, because everyone said she was a Lebanese.

got in there, and she was all dressed up in this, like, leather gear, you know,

and she said, here, put that on, and she'd give me a Russian army officer's

uniform, give me a copy of the TV Times, and she'd hit me with it.

She was a masochist.

Well, she spoke fluent English.

Well, I come out of there, and all these, like, rich people, they was all,

stood around, you know, and they said they was going to have a symbolic

sacrifice. They was going to go out and get an 18 -year -old virgin.

Where was it? Chelsea.

That's what I thought. Some hoax, you know.

Anyway, then they all started looking at me.

And what step did you take? Bloody long ones, I tell you.

They were like a shot.

What plans have you for the future?

Well, I hope to get into a nice show with some decent people.

I've been on with this part in Ocalcutta, you see.

Oh, Calcutta?

Yes. Well, it'll be full of Indians, won't it? You know.

And I've seen them on the television, in the documentaries, when they barf in

the Ganges. They don't even take their nightshirts off. So there won't be any

nudity or anything like that. You know. Merding cruddy. Thank you. That's all

right. You really find me attractive.

I didn't know if you did or not.

You're the one.

Claude was a penniless actor.

Pierre was a rich banker.

And so Fifi married Pierre and installed Claude as their butler.

But when this didn't work Claude returned as the chauffeur.

When this failed, Claude returned as the gardener.

But when he turned up as the maid, his troubles really stopped.

maid arrived and he was obliged to share a room with her, it was almost too much

for him.

he had to share a bed with her. It really was too much for him.

And so Fifi remained faithful to her husband.

After all, better an old husband than a lover who's a nervous wreck.

N 'est -ce pas?

My love is here. My goddess there doth sit.

Oh, that sweet face.

Oh, those gentle arms in whose unfolding I would die a thousand deaths.

Soft, she speaks.

I've got your bloody lines again.

about washing up? Oh, you want to try Balmolive, my dear.

That's what your hands are in now.

Oh, yes.

Oh, Balmolive is especially mild.

And there's none gentler. Oh, Balmolive will keep your hands lovely and soft.

Do you see my glue?

Oh, thank you. Oh, goodness.

Honestly,

Johnny, so bloody rough.

We're having a taste test.

And one of these contains Spuddo instant mashed potato.

And the other one just like contains ordinary potato.

And we want to know which one you like the best.

This one.

This was my wife.

Tired, listless, just a part -time wife.

Then a friend suggested Benovite.

In next to no time, she was a new woman.

Lively, vivacious, full of energy, full of fun and joie de vivre.

And it's all thanks to Benovite.

That's what we're finding here in Munich.

Nine out of ten women know the difference between a piece of butter. So

a taste test.

A challenge, 200 marks if you know a piece of butter. Do you want to try it?

Yes. Yes, then come in here.

200 marks.

Where is my wife?

Elisha, where were you?

I was in the caravan with this man.

18 months ago, Edith Clackett worked for Thames TV.

A year ago, she left to join Celle Monte Carlo.

And just six weeks ago, she became the fifth vicomtesse d 'argent.

We've been having a little trouble with the Eurovision link. Anyway, she has my

number question, so we should be all right.

Do you still get the TV times?

What's it like being married to a 70 -year -old V -cott?

Well, I don't get it as often as I used to.

Thursday mornings.

And the postman's visit. But when I do get it, I think of you, Alan.

And all my friends at Thames Television. Happy days they were.

I believe your favourite wedding present was a French poodle.

He's nearly 75 years old, you know.

But he still manages.

A little tennis and golf.

He's quite active, you know.

I saw a picture of you dining with the French president, Monsieur Pompidou.

What sort of person is he? Well, he's got distemper and heart attack.

But he's clean about the house, and that's something nowadays, isn't it?

Tell me that from your villa there's nothing but vineyards full of grapes as

as the eye can see.

How many acres have you?

Yes.

A perfect gentleman.

Do you hope to have children?

Probably twelve or fifteen hundred.

Mostly white ones, but one or two black ones.

Yes. They say the black ones fill up the barrels quicker.

Whether that's true or not, I don't know, but I do prefer red wine. Always

It's nearly two years since I was down that way.

Yes.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

It's a long time since I saw you in the flesh.

Alan, you wouldn't recognize the old place now.

Pardon. Pardon, mademoiselle. Coupé, coupé, on n 'entend rien.

Mais c 'est pas ma faute, c 'est la faute de cette télévision, mademoiselle.

Cut!

And our first speaker, Britain's first lady of fashion, Marie Quaid.

Hello.

Well, I'm not going to keep you waiting any longer. You go in then.

This news has not only shaken Europe, it has rocked the whole Western world.

I did tell you in 1962 that it was going to happen and now it has.

Yes, strikes are...

Big deal!

And not only for the girls, but also for the boys. Oh, yes.

Green and heliotrope, crimson and blue, magenta and primrose. This year, men are

going to be gayer than ever. You're not kidding, are you?

And men, your wives are going to be more feminine than ever.

Wouldn't you...

your wives in something long and flowing yes river as i said before

there will be

wearing my micro mini skirt.

You're going to be showing your knickers again, aren't you?

Oh, yes. And see -through blouses are back.

I'll look into that.

I shall be putting mine on at the first opportunity.

You'll be showing your tallies again, won't you? Oh, I can't. I can't get him

out of here.

Oh. Can I go wee now?

Yes, you can.

Thank you.

How there's a rose for the way my spirit rose when we

met. A forget -me -not to remind me to remember not to

forget. A pine tree for the way I pined

over you. And an ash for the day I

ashed. you to be true and the sun and the rain

fell from up above and landed on the earth

alone in my garden of love now there's a

beetroot for the day you said that you'd be true to me a

sweet pea for the sweet way

You always used to smile at me. But you had friends who needed you.

There was Birdie. There was Liza. So just for them, I put

down a load of Birdie. Liza and the sun and the rain

fell from up above and landed on the

escalator.

Oh Gus, the gardener's left now And you went with him too

The fungus here reminds me Of the fungus he's having with

you The rockery's a mockery With weeds it's

overgrown The fuchsia's gone

I couldn't face the fuchsia all alone.

And my tears fell like raindrops from the sky above.

And poisoned all the flowers in my

garden of love.

of six good night father of one

these

are just

four of the films to come from the founder of the french avant -garde

director

Pierre Teterre.

Bonsoir. Bonsoir.

Mes amours. Très bien.

Thank you very much.

For me, the best thing you've ever done, perhaps the most memorable thing I've

ever seen in the cinema, it was that moment in Lovable on Fuss.

This 22 -year -old girl who, for so long, had lived in this fantasy world,

suddenly, through the death of her pet torsos, has to face up to reality.

Suddenly, you change from colour, To black and white, right until the end of

film. A masterstroke. No,

no, no.

We change from color to black and white because we run out of color film.

You see, we have no more color film. We have no money to buy other color film.

So we use the value of little stock, black and white. That's right.

Yes.

But the, um... The urgency you implied in the story, so simply giving almost

a documentary effect.

By using a handheld camera.

It gave... No, no, no, no, no. We use handheld because we don't have a, you

it, tripod.

A tripod to put on top.

You see, the cameraman hit on the head the makeup man with a tripod and broke

it.

He read the tripod, not the head.

And we have no, no, so we hold in the hand.

But this girl who had this brinde, this savoir faire, so very nearly perfect,

yet you gave her a lisp.

showing that even the most perfect of us... No, no, no, I don't give her a

She have a lisp.

The actress who plays the part has always, always a lisp.

You searched all over France for an actress with a lisp. No, I don't search

her. She was discovered, actually, by the producer who was living with her at

the time.

He says she is, so I put her in, you know.

Oh, I... I think the best part of the film, it was in the restaurant.

She looked up to him and said, I want a life in

the Grand Manor. No, no, no, no. She says, I would like muscle soup.

Very

significant.

And then, at the end of the film, As she sits alone in the barren waste of the

Camargue, that little dog ran up to her.

That said it all.

It's a dog's life.

How did you get him to do that? I don't get him to do it. I don't know who this

is, the dog.

I mean, if I knew who this is, the dog, I'd kill him because the dog put the leg

up on the camera, you know.

And all the working is very rusty and it's only like a jelly. You know, it's

terrible. I could kill who this is, the dog, you know.

Thank you, Pierre Teterre.

Beautiful night, isn't it? It's not half as you are.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I don't think I've seen you on the boat before.

No, I spend most of my time in the... You must have been very lonely in there.

I was rather.

You know, I saw you this morning walking along the top deck, and I couldn't help

noticing you had a very, very beautiful behind.

I've had it for quite some time.

Wait for me in Crete.

They don't make them like that nowadays.

Do you have a nice cabin?

Unfortunately, no.

I couldn't get one with a bathroom.

Must say I'm getting a bit fed up having to out of the porthole.

Oh, nice.

You know, you are really very pathetic.

Thank you.

Oh, I see.

Jenny. Oh, hello.

Slummy. Oh, he's a very influential person.

His mother is Edward Heath.

She's quite a woman.

Oh, she is.

I say, I'm most awfully sorry.

How dare you? I'll call the steward.

How about a song, Roger?

Yeah, how about it, sir?

Oh, no. You don't want to hear me.

It's all through the tulips.

But only if Jenny will, with me.

I'd love to.

Tiptoe, to the back is where I'll be come.

Tiptoe, through the two.

Tiptoe, from the bitter, through the two lips, with me.

I thought it was lousy. Oh, you can yourself.

Arthur,

that's him over there.

Excuse me, sir.

Ticket.

Very well, I... Second class.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid so, madam.

I must ask you to leave this first class saloon immediately, sir.

Very well.

Is it true?

Are you really a second class passenger?

I'm most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

Are you really a second -class passenger?

I'm most terribly sorry.

Do forgive me. All good.

Is it true?

Are you really a second -class passenger?

I'm very sorry. Don't forget me. I'll go.

Oh, and I figured you'd stop and make them. I knew it was funny from the

That's funny, but they're not a cat. Yes, but that's all right.

Jenny, darling, what are you doing down here?

I changed my ticket for second -class ones. Oh, darling.

I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. I had no idea you were the owner.

The owner?

Oh, yes, madam.

Mr. Rogers shipped all over the place.

Passenger.

and I hadn't started courting and my mum was getting worried about me.

She says, Dad, it's time you told him all about the birds and bees. He says,

birds and bees, and he sat me on his knee.

He says, now, remember Uncle Joe at that picnic a while ago where we went off

into the woods with Aunty Pat?

And how I chased old Riley's daughter and what happened when I caught her? I

said, yeah. He said, well, birds and bees does that.

Dad works very hard indeed when he got ten kids to feed well ten and seven

nights to be precise And we all wear and me down and as I am the youngest and

the others are all girls ain't very nice It's time that you got wait. I said I'd

rather drop down did he says no, but Oh maude from likely down Isis more not

bloody likely she been a bowler chaps in Oakley. He said well, he's really quite

a little town

He says, you've got to get a wife. You can't go on enjoying life or folks will

think you're strange and start to frown. I says to him, now look, why should I

buy a book when there's a thriving lending library in the town?

One day I found a friend who was up by Badger's End.

A little pigeon fell down to my feet. Its feathers was flecked with red and at

first I thought he's dead and then I knelt and I felt his little heart still

beat. I cut him in my hands and I ran home to my mam and she said, son, I'm as

prey to you as I can be. You're thoughtful and you're kind and you've

gentle mind and that'll do a treat for your old father's teeth.

I says you shall not touch my bird.

And with another word, I took him in my room, and I shut the door, and then I

bathed him, and I warmed him, and I nursed him back to health. Because, you

I'd never really had a friend before.

I taught him little tricks, like playing dead and picking up sticks, and the

village girls, they brought bird seed every day.

Dad!

You can't come in, I chat, or my birdie will fly out. But, of course, I let the

village girls all stay.

Well, there was Mabel from the stable and Mary from the dairy. We had a visit

from our beauty queen.

And that great big Betty Mavery. And she got her own Avery.

She got the biggest pair of keats I've ever seen.

Dad says you ought to let him go.

The mum, she says, oh, no, you just want to get some shooting practice in. But

the vicar says, my son, it really isn't done, and to lock up a wild thing, well,

that's a thing.

One morning, when it was all still, I took him up to Badger's Hill.

I lost the only little friend I had that day. Not a word I said, I just kissed

his little head, and I opened my hands, and I watched him fly away.

He circled up and round and then he settled on the ground and off he went

straight up to the sky. And then I looked and I could see he was flying

me. And then he swooped and then he poked right in my eye.

I thought, that's bloody rude.

And core, there's gratitude.

I hope they never cross a pigeon with a cow.

And Dad says, here, there's a caper. I'll go get a bit of paper. I says,

be daft. He's miles away from you.

Dad says, I know you lost a friend,

but it's really not the end.

You'll be married and have your family of your own quite soon.

Well, I never said a word.

But you see, that little bird had lured 18 little ravers up to my room.

So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo or an old crow they don't want, I'd be very

much obliged.

But you know, I always remember you used to say to me, never forget, Reverend,

hard cash does not a soft heart make.

And you know, I never forgot that.

Thank you, Reverend Feltree.

Never found out what the silly old twit meant.

I mean, stupid old thing. The last time...

he pinched my bum.

God bless, I blame him.

As soon as we're off, I should pinch him myself.

Cut the sound! The sound!

Cut!

What is a mugwump?

A mugwump is a bird who sits on a fence with its mug over one side and its wump

over the other.

There's one.

Did you hear about the actor who was so conceited that he parked in lover's lane

by himself?

There's another one.

Or the actress who was so dumb she couldn't add up to two without taking

blouse.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's be serious for a moment because we

could... Well, I'm falling for you tonight.

Well, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we must be serious. This is a serious

matter. If you met somebody who was 107 years old, I'm sure that you would...

You would... Have a lot of questions to ask him, and I'm no different from

anybody else. I have a lot of questions to ask him.

Here he is, 107 years old today, Eric Moulton from Kimberley.

Well, these things do happen, ladies and gentlemen.

If... If you met...

If I told you that three goals were scored today on the Lambton football

I don't suppose it would really surprise you. But when I tell you that they were

scored by the vicar of Lambton, I'm sure you will be surprised. He's come along

here tonight, direct from the changing room, where he's more than welcome. And

here he is, the Reverend Peter Wilby.

Zickers... Zickers, Zickers playing football.

Whatever next?

Well... I... I feel

that we in the church should show that we're just the same as everyone else.

I mean that we're human.

I see.

We all have our little differences, I mean, as in industry, but I think the

important thing is to air one's differences from time to time.

You know, um... Bring them out into the open, so to

speak. Yes.

Football? Football, well, I often think that life, life is very much like a

football game. I mean, we're all struggling towards the same goal. I

all want to show what we're made of, don't we?

And I've nothing to hide. I like to be admired like the next man.

Well,

Vicar, you know, this has really moved your heart, I'm done.

Sorry?

I'm saying, it is most interesting though your heart, I'm done.

Well... So much for religion.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted that my next... My

next guest has come from the West End of London. He is one of London's biggest

West Ends. I know you're going to make him very welcome. Here he is, Rodney

Fairchild.

Certainly plenty of you could come along and be my guest on this show. I really

am absolutely thrilled that you have been able to find time to come along.

have a reputation of being quite a hellraiser. Do you feel this reputation

justified in any way?

That you have?

You know, of being a hellraiser. Do you feel in any way justified at all?

This reputation that you have?

No. Well,

there you are.

Bless my soul. It's just sort of newspaper publicity. They put labels on

don't they? They sort of, you know, they put labels on. I suppose they put a

label on you. You know, sort of like publicity.

We just said it was publicity. I suppose it's publicity.

Is it publicity?

Well, yes.

Yes, I'm quite surprised about that.

Tell me, does it worry you on this reputation?

Wrong and false, that may be. Does it worry you at all?

The reputation that you've got. Does it worry you in any way at all?

No.

Well,

there you are. Honestly, I could go on talking with you all night.

It's lovely to have you on the show, but, you know, we've got to move along,

time to meet my last guest this evening. I know you're going to make her

welcome. Here she is, the very lovely West End star, Liza Moon.

Oh, Liza, it's lovely, lovely to have you.

Lovely to have you on the show.

What have you been doing lately? Are you still appearing in the West End?

Tell me, have you ever worked together? Have you worked with them? Have you

worked with Liza at all?

Any of your shows together?

You've not had the pleasure of working? Have you ever worked with them?

It's lovely having you all here.

It really is absolutely brilliant.

That's what the public wants, new faces.

One in a row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I could go on.

I go on talking and having fun here all night, but unfortunately the old clock

on the wall says there's only 42 minutes to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again this time next week and see Crossroads.

Blackmore. This vast wasteland of bogs and marshes has, over the last 17 years,

claimed no fewer than...

No, dear, no.

What's there in the road ahead?

Not what's there in the road ahead.

It's only a bicycle.

Open the gate, she'll be up in a minute.

Right, take her out again.

Right, action.

Oh, Bodley B.

I'm just the... Oh, I'm so sorry, John.

Just relax.

Okay. Are you okay? Yes, I'm okay now. Carry on. It'll be all right.

Not tired?

No.

This is my picture. I thought you might like to see it.

Hold it, George.

What?

Uh,

just a minute, sir.

Will you open it, please? So sorry.

Nice, brawn -ready.

With big blisters.

Forte application.

Pardon? Port or embrocation?

No, no, however. Have a nice groin, have a shaving erosion, no have port or

embrocation. No, however.

You've just arrived, sir? Yes. I got a fright.

How did you get a fright? With a fright ticket.

A fright, yes.

It was a miracle.

What was the miracle?

We take off with a miracle.

You took off from a miracle?

The United States of America.

America. Yes.

Bloody tricks.

Now, are you staying here, sir, or going on overseas?

I have a right.

Yes, you have a right to go on overseas, but I have a right to ask where.

I have a right.

You have a right? No, you have a right. I have a right.

Oh, Isle of Wight. Yes.

hardly call that overseas.

You try walking there.

Can you see this?

Yes.

Can you read it? No.

Why not?

Wrong way up.

Look, it's good.

Not great.

You're Chinese.

Oh, brother.

Mother of mine!

Did you understand it? Did you understand me?

That's hardly the point.

Is this all you have? Yes, sure.

Also, I have here something to show you.

That's an egg. One hundred year old egg.

One hundred year old. One hundred year.

You don't seem to have much.

No, I have my beliefs.

Your beliefs? I ask butter. No, no butter, no sugar, no tea, no.

Just have my beliefs.

I'm sorry to leave it in such disarray. Oh, disarray, that array. Who cares?

How did we all end?

Oh, dear.

Hey,

immigration!

I'll be ready with a very soon moment.

Hey, you've been out in the sun, cookie boy.

No, you have been telling my colleague that you are going to the Isle of Wight.

For what purpose?

Bleeding cows.

That is where I wish to know why. That is, that is why.

I'm going there breeding cows.

I breed cow, rook.

Why you move with a rook?

I can't go to a market.

I can't go to a little...

He's angrier.

Oh, why is he angrier? Because he's raving.

You see, in my work, I have to find a farm that's suitable.

Oh, you work in pharmaceuticals, yes.

No, a farm that's suitable.

Listen, you no -gut crop, Eos.

Loss your rug hose out.

Look, I get you a farm.

I take the bull to the cow so that the bull can make rug to the cow.

Oh, but surely that is a job for the farmer.

It has to be a bull.

And all the little people were all glowing.

And then when I got all there, then I shot her a chip.

Oh, you shot her a chip? That's what I said. Why, you know, listen. Oh,

it's like jogging, you reckon.

Right. And then when I got a chip and I got all there, I seen to Hong Kong.

It's a load of bull -

Good night, my friend.

Time to call it a day.

Time to blow out the candle.

Or as my friend Shirley Bassey would say... We burn our candles at both ends

before our flick is finally flung.

My mom puts me to bed.

Wakes me when we head. Then she goes round and puts out all... the fires.

And then me auntie Vi sings me a lullaby.

I like it because she sounds like Dorothy Squires.

I did it for my wife.

Amazing steps to Isaiah.

Life isn't all milk and all honey.

He said, Isaiah, come forth.

And Isaiah came fifth, and I went with a cup of his money.

It's all Greek to me, you know.

Hello, everyone.

Here is a little song about a girl who is going to see her lover by the

eucalyptus tree.

And as she walks there, she sees a boy.

And he says, your lips are like red wine, and I should like to sip them.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to meet my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And a little further on, she meets another boy.

And he says, your eyes are like pools of clear crystal water. I should like to

bathe in them. And she says, you cannot because I'm going to see my lover by the

eucalyptus tree.

And a little further on she meets another boy. And he says, your hair is

corn waving in the breeze.

I should like to run barefoot through it.

And she says, you cannot because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And she gets to the eucalyptus tree and her lover doesn't come.

Exact so.

I -X -X -O, I'm an X -O, mini, mini, I bet you X -X -O.

Now, here is a little song.

January the 1st, January the 2nd, January the

3rd, January... You'd rather have Moira who?

Should a body meet a body, I mean to do the boy.

If you dare to touch my body, I will plant your eye.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.