Original subtitles

What are you guys doing?

-Shh, shh, shh. -Be cool, be cool, be cool.

What's going on? Are you in trouble?

Did someone demand health insurance?

We're doing a car for LA's greatest hero.

The big boy from Bob's Big Boy?

No, Mookie Betts! LA Dodgers, MVP, World Series champ!

Oh, my God, I love him. Mama's little Mookie bear.

Thanks for coming by, Mookie.

Yes, sir.

Okay, your 1970 Dodge Charger is gonna be great

and we're gonna rename it the 1970 Dodger.

-Mm. Nice. Okay, cool. -All right.

I want you to meet my daughter, Riley.

-Hi. -Stitch and Gabe.

Hello, Mookie Betts.

Matt tells me you guys are the best.

Said MVP to MVP.

[awkward laughter]

We're gonna do a great job 'cause we don't want to make you mad

and have you "charger" the mound.

This guy isn't gonna work on my car, right?

Mookie, thanks a lot, man.

Well, uh, nice to meet everyone.

Gabe, seriously, don't touch my car.

-[Matt] See you later, Mookie. -Bye Mookie Bear.

Matt, you wanted to, uh, talk to me about that thing?

That... communist thing you said you didn't like?

Okay. Yeah. The only thing I like

about communists really are their barbers, right?

Two billion people, same haircut.

That's-- that's efficiency.

Well, thanks for being discreet.

I don't want them knowing about us.

So let's act like we're fighting in here.

Use dramatic arm movements like this, a lot of that.

But you're so pleasant and easy to get along with.

Who would believe it?

Good, good. Well, I'm thinking about on our first date,

Saturday night, we'll go French!

Why don't we just keep it casual and hang?

Maybe a hike?!

They seem really mad at each other.

No, my friend, that's what we call chemistry.

[whispers] Sexual chemistry.

Please, they're not a couple. They hate each other.

Who said couple? I don't feel good.

[Stitch] No, now I know Matt and Eve got something going on.

[whispers] Something sexual.

How about this? NoHo Golf, we get something to eat.

Is that casual enough for you?

Sounds good. Looking forward to it!

-5:00? -Perfect.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

Ha, ha! Get out!

And another thing, Matt Parker.

Yeah?

Turns out, I don't mind everyone knowing your personal business.

Yeah, dog!

I don't wanna talk about it.

[♪ rock theme playing]

[tires screeching]

-Hey. -Hello there.

Listen, if you're selling cookies, knives or Jesus, we don't need anything.

Did you just slam the door on Georgia's friend?

I think I did, yeah.

What? She's coming over to hang.

You must be Olivia, hi.

I'm sorry about the mix-up. My dad's a little...

O-M-G. Ignore her.

It's okay. My mom's also super old and cringe.

-Ugh! -Oh.

I, uh, don't see cringe. I see comfy and cute.

Game recognizes game.

And Costco recognizes Costco.

-I'm Jen. -Riley.

Do you want to come in for a sec?

Sure. Is that rosé?

Um, I'm definitely not drinking at a kids' play date.

Neither am I, but I'd like to be.

Where have you been all my life?

Target.

Do you like charcuterie?

I already cut the cheese.

Oh, my God.

That's the first time I've actually used that phrase that way.

Oh, good. More people in my house.

Hey, Mom, can we Postmate some smoothies?

Why? Because pushing the button on a blender

has become too exhausting?

Go ahead, sweetie. Ooh, a blazer.

Are you getting inducted into the "Angry Guy Hall of Fame"?

That's pretty funny. This is from the Troy Aikman collection.

I'm going to pick up Eve.

And before your date, you're going to run for city council?

It's not actually a date.

It's just a casual hang.

Oh, in 1984?

Who even are you?

This is Olivia's mom, Jen. We're basically the same person.

Hello, Jen.

Maybe try a tank top under the blazer.

Oh, nice. Very Pedro Pascal.

You know what's wrong with your generation?

Oh, yay! This should be fun.

They need celebrities to tell you what to wear,

what to drink, what to eat.

You know what Matt Parker endorses?

Anything that starts with, "Back in my day..."

Not being a sheep worshipping at the altar to fame.

I like what I'm wearing.

Ooh!

Pops, that fit is fire!

Okay, maybe I'll change.

♪♪

Thanks for helping me with my car, Stitch.

I needed a break, to be honest, you know.

Georgia's got a friend over.

Mom's got a friend. Too much estro.

Oh, look who decided to show up.

Sorry I'm late. I was at Amelie's dog's bark-mitzvah.

Let me tell you somethin', dogs don't need a party.

Anything that can lick his own junk, every day is his birthday.

Okay, but it's a rescue, so...

I'm in a wheelchair. Where's my party?

Dude, are you mad or something?

Me? No, but it's rude to Carter.

You showing up here all late. He was really counting on you.

Not really.

This sad little, poor little nerd ain't got no life.

Okay.

Sittin' right here.

-Why are you acting weird? -I'm acting weird?

Dude, you've been acting super flaky lately.

No, matter of fact, you've been acting like-- You know what?

I'm not gonna say the word in front of the kid.

No, no, no, I'm cool with cursing.

I watch Wheel of Fortune with my grandpa.

♪♪

Ugh! My ex was the worst.

He got really into CrossFit

and then even more into his trainer, Javier.

I married a bass player.

And you win.

But, hey, the further you get from the divorce, the easier it gets.

Now I just do whatever I want.

Started making ice cubes out of wine.

[gasps] Oh, my God,

you need to go on Shark Tank.

Hey, what do you say we do a girls' night tonight?

Really? Afternoon hang followed by same night hang?

Are we moving too fast? Do I even care?

Mom, can we go?

Yeah.

[quietly] I bet the smoothies are making Olivia gassy.

She's lactose intolerant. [loudly] Like her dad.

Mom! God!

Don't worry. I'll put the rest of your rosé in an ice tray.

Perfect. See you later.

Olivia's mom is a lot.

Hey, watch it. That's my friend.

Literally, my one friend.

In fact, she's coming back tonight.

Girls' night. What-what?

No, Olivia's the worst!

What-what?

But you guys had so much in common.

Like how all moms are old and cringe.

She was being mean to me.

Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

Maybe you should talk to Olivia about it.

And maybe you should tell Olivia's mom to suck it.

You cannot be her friend.

Ah-- Jen didn't do anything to you.

She gave birth to a monster!

Olivia is my enemy,

and the mother of my enemy is also my mother's enemy.

Right?

Fine. I'll cancel.

Good.

Oh, so mean.

-Did you say something? -No.

♪♪

[doorbell chimes]

[Eve] Matt? Why-- Are you on my porch?

Hey, what gave it away?

In fact, I'm standing in front of the blue door

with the weird pink chair and the...

doormat that says "Namaste."

Which I would add, "Nama-stay off my proper-tay."

I'm already at NoHo Golf.

Why are you at NoHo Golf?

I'm here to pick you up on our date.

Well, you didn't say anything about driving together.

We said 5:00, going on a date.

I mean, even Ted Bundy

had the courtesy to pick up his date.

[Eve] It's basic safety.

What if you give your home address to a creeper?

[Matt] I'm not a creeper you met on the internet.

I'm, I'm a creeper you met in an alley behind an auto shop.

I'll see ya.

[Eve] Hey, Parker.

Nice butt!

♪♪

Your hips are even less flexible than your opinions.

But I hit the target, Eve.

Though I may be set in my ways,

it's not my fault my ways are always right.

Well, I hope you can move better than that.

Yeah, well...

Ooh!

Just give me a little boom-boom.

-Okay. -You know, like the conga.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dah-dah.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dah-dah.

You should clear the area.

Is that how you teach people how to dance?

You're gonna be getting lawsuits if you keep doing that.

A martini for the lady.

Thank you, Lincoln.

-[Matt] Ah. -And a beer.

Hey, thanks, man.

Oh! Oh! That's gin. Mhm.

You ordered a martini?

I ordered a vodka martini.

-Oh. -Whatever. Alcohol is alcohol.

Let's just get you another drink, the right one.

-No, no, it's totally fine. -Let's get the drink you want.

Seriously, it's no big deal. He's busy.

By the second one, it could be toilet wine, I wouldn't care.

Hey, Lincoln, let's get the right drink in here.

Uh... what are you doing here?

Didn't you get my message canceling?

I did, but I thought you were joking.

Which would be so us.

I wish. The problem is Georgia.

She says we're not allowed to see each other.

I can't go.

Seriously? Olivia hates everything I do.

Are we really gonna let our daughters run our lives?

So what are you saying?

They're not the boss of us.

They're not?

Uh...

Georgia, I gotta go to the studio.

There's a dance emergency.

Someone has to show them how to whip and how to nae-nae. Bye.

♪♪

You guys see the game this weekend?

Any of 'em?

Where's the socket wrench?

Maybe you should look for it at Amelie's dog's after-party.

Guys, come on.

You've been taking shots at each other all day,

and it's honestly weird

when they're not aimed at me.

You got a problem with Amelie, or her goldendoodle Alan?

No, I got a problem with Alan's mama's boyfriend.

Okay, okay. Enough.

If you guys won't settle this, then I will, like an adult.

With a game of chicken to the death?

No, but close. With "Dungeons and Dragons."

It's a proven way to get people to work together.

You travel with dice?

Uh... pfft... hello, I'm a dungeon master.

I'm always packing. Okay?

I really need more Black friends.

Sit and I'll assign you your characters.

Ahem.

Greetings, fellow travelers!

I am Carterus Con Queso.

And you are...

Gabilor the Bard, poet of love.

Hey, should I rhyme when I talk?

-Yes. -No.

You know what, this is dumb, man.

You know, the only fantasy game I play

is football on the new ESPN app.

The made-up game that real men play.

And you are Stitchimus, the sewing centaur.

The more he sews,

his power grows.

What?

Who am I, Gabilor or Eminem?

Oh...

Can I bring you anything else?

Oh. No, just the check. Thank you.

He already paid for it.

What?

No, the man doesn't have to pay. Let's go Dutch.

It's already been done, Eve. And how cheap are the Dutch

that they're only remembered for that one thing?

I'm not letting you do this.

It's my pleasure.

How about this? Closest to the target pays.

Okay, so I'll pay.

Come on!

All right. Watch and learn.

Put that tight booty under it, Parker.

Oh, oh!

-Oh! -[Matt] Oh, gosh.

Are you okay?

[Eve] I meant to do that.

Mm. You know, I've never had orange wine.

-I like it. -Of course, you do.

Getting tipsy and fighting scurvy.

And, hey, I just wanted to say, everyone makes mistakes.

I'm sure Olivia didn't mean any harm.

What are you talking about?

You know, the reason she was mean to Georgia.

Maybe Olivia was "gassy."

Wait, Olivia wasn't mean to Georgia.

Georgia was mean to Olivia.

What? Georgia's not mean.

Actually, that tracks.

You know, Olivia's hero is Hailey Bieber.

And Georgia said that anyone who spends $20

on a Hailey Bieber smoothie

is "a sheep worshipping at the altar of fame."

Okay. Yeah, see, so that's not Georgia.

That's Georgia repeating my dad repeating Joe Rogan.

Okay. I'm just saying it would be nice

if she could respect her friend's beliefs.

Okay, but liking Hailey Bieber isn't a belief.

Uh, celebrity brands are ridiculous.

Do we really need Snoop Dogg's line of Tupperware

to keep our weed fresh?

Bad example, that's a great idea. But you get my point.

Okay, and my point is that your daughter is a little mean.

Oh! Stop insulting my daughter.

If you've got a problem with her, you've got a problem with me.

So get on board with both of us, or take off your earrings

and let's dance.

So, halfsies?

♪♪

Hey. How you doing?

Yeah, okay.

Think we set a record for the worst first date ever.

Oh, come on, come on. We had a good time.

I'm in the hospital.

Right.

Well, I got to admit, I mean, almost killing you

with a golf ball wasn't part of my plan.

But we had some fun. We had some fun.

Like when you made the waiter cry?

That was pretty easy. That was a good time.

But you got the drink you wanted.

No, I got the drink you wanted me to have.

Which is the drink you wanted.

See, we don't see eye to eye on anything.

-Eve, Eve, Eve. -Where to go,

how to get there, who should pay?

What hospital I should go to?

The other one got two stars on Yelp, so...

I'm just saying we might be a little too different.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Maybe it's time we just call it.

Miss Drake, I'll be taking you for your X-ray.

Would your father like to join us?

♪♪

You enter the Cavern of Crisis.

To your right, Princess Amelie is in danger.

To your left, a magic potion. What do you do?

Man, forget the princess. I want the potion.

[gasps] You activate a hidden trap.

An arrow pierces your armor.

[coughs] Karma.

So you and the princess are gonna live happily ever after

while the one Black character in the story dies?

Oh, that's original.

You know what?

Gabilor has searched his whole life for love.

So maybe Stitchimus should stop acting like such a bitchimus.

No, you didn't.

I rhymed what I rhymed.

You know what, man? I'm done.

[scoffs]

You're really asking me to choose between you and Amelie?

Don't have to, because I know who you gonna choose.

No, you don't. You're my ride or die. Always have been.

And I'm yours.

You know, I just didn't think you were the type of guy

that would blow off your friend for a girl.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I promise to make more of an effort.

Like, maybe we could do Taco Wednesday?

No. But we could do Waffle Wednesdays.

I love waffles.

I know, silly.

So we're good?

Yeah, we're good.

And so concludes the tale of Stitchimus and Gabilor.

Never fear, their love is always dear.

I hear it now. It's super annoying.

♪♪

-[Georgia] Aha! -Oh!

Did you solve your dance emergency?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

It must have been hard to find room to whip and indeed nae-nae

at Hannah's Wine Bar!

The tracking app works both ways, traitor.

Fine. I'm sorry, but you don't have to worry.

Jen is dead to me.

What? Olivia and I made up.

Now she's never gonna be allowed over.

You made up? You said she was a monster.

Oh, that was so two hours ago.

You need to fix this.

Fix it? Ahem, what happened to the daughter

of your daughter's enemy's daughter's mama's or-- uh-- You're not the boss of me.

-What? -Nothing.

♪♪

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, you told me to leave, and I was driving away

and realized I drove you here.

I can't believe you came back

even after I yelled at you to go.

Well, I've never been accused of being a good listener.

I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

What? Remember, I'm not a good listener.

I've just gotten used to taking care of myself.

I haven't dated a guy like you, like, ever.

What are you expecting, a hipster jackass?

Yeah. I guess I've learned to lower my expectations.

Well, don't do that. You deserve better.

You really do.

You're an amazing woman.

See that?

Hipster jackasses don't do that.

Well, I apologize if I was stubborn or overbearing,

which is literally something I could say

to anybody at any time.

But right now, I'm saying it to you.

With that said, would you consider a second date?

I'd love it.

Great. Don't go away.

Where else am I gonna go?

All right.

Welcome to our second date.

-Aw. Ow, ow, ow, ow! My knee, my knee. -Ow what? Oh, okay.

Where'd the candle come from?

A coma patient's room.

Matt!

It's not like he's gonna know it's gone.

All right, I'm out of here.

Are you gonna eat?

No. I have to give Eve a ride.

Yeah, you do!

What's the matter with you?

Is that a Hailey Bieber smoothie?

I thought you hated all celebrity products

because people who buy them are sheep.

Yeah, but after I spent ten minutes at Erewhon

going "baa" to everybody in line,

they actually gave me two so I'd leave.

And now, I'm a Belieber.

♪♪