Original subtitles

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Three thousand and four, three thousand and five, three thousand and six.

Excuse me!

Will you be my friend?

No?

Ma 'am!

Ma 'am, excuse me.

What are you doing this afternoon?

Would you like to come over for tea?

New Jersey, Massachusetts.

Here's your chewing tobacco, Miss Oakley. Thanks, kid.

You're looking pretty

today.

You're so strong and manly, Miss Oakley.

Oh, thanks there, darling.

Hey!

How about me and you go over to that log cabin over there, and I use the

luscious size of yours as earmuffs.

She's Louise, Miss Oakley, in the Tallahassee River.

Okay, let's dance.

A heavenly sound.

Nobody wake me.

Oh, boy.

Read.

Thank you.

part of you wants to know me and

be known gives me hope give

you more the other part

the place that

Beyond control.

Beyond my wishes and desires.

That secret place.

Is waiting there.

And I have tried.

And I have come to understand.

That it's yours to give.

16, 17, 18, 19, 20,

21.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Come on in.

Hi. I was just coming to see if you're all settled in and how you like it here.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Um, sure, really quick. I have to go soon. Okay, sit down. Oh, thanks.

What do you want in it? Sugar, milk, low -fat? Saffron? Just like that. Thank

you. Thanks.

How was your day?

Good. Got a boyfriend?

Girlfriend? Husband? Friend?

Because I'm getting lost in your eyes.

Oh, you know what? Look at the time. I have to go. Thank you so much for the

tea. I hope everything's good.

I hope you're getting settled in.

Yeah, I have friends waiting for me. I have to go and make whippets again.

Everybody's down in the dumps.

You got a little uncomfortable feeling back in the trunk?

Well, come on down to Bumbledee's House of Family Fun and Games and Laxatives.

We have a wild supply of laxatives like Gas -X and other easy, ex -lax, moving,

flowing things like that. We also have a wild variety of games like Checkers,

Chess, Shoots and Lo -

Yes, sir.

Sure, no problem.

Gasex, laxatives, anything you need to take the gunk out. So you take these,

enjoy, and take care of all that brown stuff, and you'll be good for the

morning.

I'm not constipated.

Funny, you certainly look it.

What can I do for you?

I would like to be entertained.

Entertained. Well, we got tons of games, chess checkers, balls, cards, whatever

you need down the aisle. So step on down and don't bother me.

But I don't think that you understand.

I would like some friends.

Friends. You like friends.

Well, I don't know if I can help you out with that one. How about some

interactive games?

Something like that? You can meet friends that way. How about a Ouija?

Ouija. Look, look, Ouija. You even got an O and a Ouija. Looks like fun, don't

it?

What is a Ouija?

Okay, so you take the little triangle here.

You wave it around and, you know, you conjure up spirits from, you know, yeah,

from beyond. Like you could talk to Aunt Harriet and Captain Nemo and whoever

you need.

Tons of fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

So I could, like, conjure up people from the past to, like, hang out around the

house and maybe have tea with?

Sure. Oh, great. Great. That's $2.

$2.

$2. One, two. You have so much fun and enjoy.

You have a good one.

Bye -bye.

Let's go Annie Oakley.

Come on.

Let's go Annie Oakley.

Come on.

Who the hell are you supposed to be? I'm Chang I -sao. In 1801, I was the

greatest pirate of the Southeast Pacific, and I was in charge of the Reds

Swedes, which had 1 ,500 ships and 70 ,000 men.

We worked hard against the Chinese army. I wasn't only a pirate, but I also led

the Vietnamese rebellion.

Yeah, that's great, sister.

Why don't you drop the skirt and get naked?

Is Annie here?

Annie?

Wow. You look different.

What did you do?

Did you change something?

You look different.

You look really good.

I'm just living a clean life, sugar.

Wow.

Well, you want to have tea?

Why don't you go get it yourself?

Um, yeah, right.

Do you, what do you, you feel like doing something?

Do you want to go shopping, or?

I'm really busy.

Are you sure? You, we could go, we could go shoe shopping, or?

No, I'm really busy, and you have to go, because I'm really busy.

But it'll be really fun, and we'll have a good time, and. No, you gotta go. Are

you sure? Yeah, you gotta go. But it'll be really fun, though.

I think you need to go, because I'm busy.

Oh, but... No, seriously.

But are you serious? Yeah.

Well, can we do this another time?

Bye, I'm busy. Bye.

Bye. Oh, hold on.

I'm busy. Bye.

Bye. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. Bye.

Jeez.

I don't want Doris falling. I can have Chungi's shower.

Come on, Annie Oakley.

Let's go, Annie Oakley.

You can do it this time.

Come on, Oakley.

Oh, I'll even settle for a pork levain.

All right, give me Annie Oakley.

Who are you?

I am Mata Hawe from the great Germans.

Triggered Germans.

I am the most beautiful woman of the year.

Wow, you are a stalker branch. You don't have a high opinion of yourself.

You sound like one of those catered Americans.

Um, nein.

Bist nicht German?

That's too bad, because if you were an American, I'd have to sleep with you.

The coordinates of our fleet.

I mean...

23 Skidoo?

Kilroy live here?

Just call me Joe?

Gee, I hope nobody tries to sleep with me to get the instructions on the A

-bomb.

What do I look like?

You look like a screen door, baby, and I'm gonna slam you all night long.

I was having the nicest dream.

I was covered in lard.

I was sitting on Santa's lap.

And I was telling him everything.

And I thought I was weird.

What?

This is broken.

I can't bring back Annie Oakley from the dead.

Well.

All Ouija boards work differently there, sweetie.

You know, some you could bring back Annie Oakley, some, you know, just you

back spirits and you hear voices in your head like I do once in a while, every

month or so.

Well, this is the right one because I did bring back people from the past.

Oh, okay. I'm sure you did. I did. I can prove it. I can prove it.

Nice. I'll just hold on to these if you don't mind.

Well, thank you for showing the naked photos of yourself, you and your

girlfriend with the funny hat. But the only thing that's doing for me now is

making my shorts feeling a bit queasy.

No, you don't understand. I really did bring back people from the past.

I did. I brought back Mata Hari and Changi Xiao. Changi Xiao?

What's Changi Xiao known for?

You know, great hooters.

Okay, well tell me this, Batman. If you could conjure up spirits and change the

course of history, why don't you just get rid of starvation and make our

technology like a super planet instead of bringing back famous chicks and doing

some little box diving?

Well, isn't that what you would do?

Yeah, probably.

I don't know, just bang it around and you'll fix it and bring back Annie

or whatever you want. Okay, I'll try.

So, listen, next time you have a little photo session, you want to invite me

over, just give me a call. I got a nice digital camera, three chips, anything.

Okay, well, I got KY Jelly.

Not interested.

How about Anal Glide?

Nope.

Come on.

This one's for all the corn in Iowa.

Jeez, what the hell is wrong with this thing?

So, majestic wizard, you have summoned me from the past.

Who are you?

Let me guess.

Cleopatra.

I am Bon Jovich from Jersey Tania.

Queen of the Swamp Lands.

Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Ah, yes, ma 'am. No, you're not.

Why don't you turn over?

You take karate, sweetie, because your ass is kicking.

Oh, Cairo.

Annie, hi sweetie.

Hi. Wow, you look gorgeous.

Thanks. I love this outfit on you.

Oh, thanks. Wow, it's so cute. What a drive.

Man, you really live out in the middle of nowhere, don't you?

So anyway, can I use your bathroom?

No.

No. Thank you. How did you get my address?

Oh, those wacky credit card companies. Call them up, they'll give just about

anybody's home address.

So, uh, I hope you got plenty of rolls, honey, because I go through them like

water.

Yeah, let me see this on you.

This top is so... I love this.

Jesus Christ, does anybody have an ice pick? Hey!

That was a load off. You're really going to need that place to be fumigated, if

you know what I mean. Um, where are you going? I'm going to the shop with this.

No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not.

It's mine.

Now get out.

Fine.

Yeah, leave.

Bye. Bye.

Hello Let's go Maryland

So true.

Wanna spend one of your nine lives with us?

Oh, holy glory.

What the hell are you doing, Kenny? You're scaring all the freaking

I'm sorry, Mr. Bubble Dean. I think I unleashed the powers of hell.

What are you talking about, you moron?

Well, a customer came in here a couple days ago. She bought a Ouija board. She

was telling me how she could bring back hot -looking chicks from the past and

present, you know, like Cleopatra and stuff like that, and she was having sex

with them. So I figured I would go over to her house and, uh...

You know, I tried to videotape her. You did what? You went over a customer's

house? I actually broke into her house. You freaking moron!

Why did you gotta go to the customer's house? Why don't you just go down to

aisle five and get your own Ouija board?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Helen of Troy.

And sweetie, I'm going to use your pubic hair to floss my teeth.

Hey, who do I want? Who do I want? Who's super, super hot? Super hot.

Catherine the Great. Catherine the Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catherine the

Come on.

Come on, Catherine the Great. Catherine the Great. Come on, Catherine the Great.

So.

Wanna have sex?

Alright, what the hell.

Just do me a favor and keep the tie on.

Hey Annie, how's it going?

Hi. I haven't seen you in about a week. Where have you been?

Oh, I was dealing with a lot of stuff.

Like what?

Well, I came to the realization that you can't live in a dream, no matter how

nice it is. A dream is just a dream, and reality is reality, no matter how cold,

lonely, pathetic, or cruel it is.

It's just fantasy.

What are you talking about? Are you on drugs or something?

You know, Doris, I think about you a lot.

Yeah, I've been thinking about you, as always.

So what do you say you drop those cookies and let me eat your cookies?

I think it sounds good to me. Let's go.