Original subtitles

Hey, man.

Do you have a bathroom that we could use?

We? She loves bathrooms.

No. Look, man, we want to fuck in the bagel bathroom.

You just tell me what that's going to take.

Nothing. You can't. I'll tell you what.

Give me every fucking bagel you got.

I'll buy you out, and then I'm going to bang in the bagel room.

She wants to eat a bagel off my cock.

Guys, I'm sorry, but this isn't going to happen.

Cock bagel. She wants a cock bagel, man.

Sympathize. I don't sympathize.

Hey, didn't you teach geometry a couple years ago?

No. He did.

He was a flunking student teacher, remember that? Yes, you were right. Now

work at a bagel shop? Economy's been really bad.

Wow, man, you're a real loser.

I bet you masturbate a lot.

You have that look.

I don't have that look. You guys need to leave. Or what?

Or I'll call the police. Fuck you, man. We want the bathroom.

Oh, he's the fucking quarterback.

Eat dick, Beckman.

Cool. A little mixed up.

Great, right?

You're screwing in my bed?

I haven't even screwed in my bed yet. Shh.

I don't know any shits in my bed. I thought you just laid down a towel. She

not just a towel kind of girl.

She's special. Oh, good. I'm happy.

That's not my bed. That's Eddie's bed.

I'm disgusting.

I don't have any sheets in my bed because I got drunk a month ago, I

bed, I threw out the sheets, and I never got new ones, and I just want to be

perfectly honest with you because I'm... I'm crazy about you.

You are so fucking cheesy.

I think I kind of like it.

Okay, good night. Oh, Eddie!

Eddie? Allie? Allie? Eddie?

Hi.

You're the first girl to be naked in my bed.

I'm sorry.

No, no. It's fine.

Did that letter come from you today, man? Oh, yeah. It's in the bathroom.

What are you doing in the bathroom?

I'm reading my mail, dude.

Rejected.

Dude, you were born to teach. I was, man.

I'm a good teacher.

Get the fuck out of some kid.

When I was a student teacher, our math team went to the motherfucking state

finals. You're goddamn right they did. You gave those nerds something to live

for. You know, you don't get to the state finals by being nice, man.

Geometry isn't nice. It's fucking hard.

Pythagorean theorem?

I don't even know what that is. I'm sick and tired of waiting to be a teacher,

man. You want to screw a girl? You don't wait to buy bedding. The quarterback

wants a cock bagel. He doesn't wait. I'm going to go to Tampa tomorrow, and I'm

going to tell the American Teaching Corps. They owe me a goddamn interview.

Right? Yes!

Yes! Yes!

What is a cock bagel?

You rejected my application without ever giving me an interview. And I deserve

an interview.

So that's why I'm here.

I like your spirit.

Let's see this resume.

It says here you student taught at Bradenton.

Good school.

I really enjoyed that experience. And I actually started a math team that went

to the state finals. I used to work with kindergartners before they put me

behind the desk.

God, I love those fucking kids. Great hugs and their smiles.

Gives you a reason to wake up in the morning.

Absolutely.

You mind?

Totally. You're allowed to like drinking, you know what I mean? Sure, of

That's why I love those kids.

I mean, if I was sad or maybe a little drunk, they don't judge, you know?

Maybe I worked my way through an eight ball and...

Woke up in St. Pete with half a kitten in a cardboard box.

Didn't matter.

Old little guy.

Good for the hug. Always.

Well, I've always thought that a nurturing approach is much better than

authoritarian. That's why we do it.

We don't do it for the bitches, that's for certain. No, I do not do it for the

bitches either.

Not to say I pay for sex.

I mean, strip club occasionally, but that's no biggie.

There's nothing wrong with the gentleman's club.

No, there isn't.

Me, personally, big fan of Odyssey 2001.

You been there? The strip club?

I think I've seen it from the highway. With the spaceship?

Yeah. Yeah.

A good strip club has to have a compelling theme.

Otherwise, you're just jerking off in a warehouse, you know?

Do you mind if I give you some advice?

Please do. This isn't teaching advice.

This is life advice.

Okay, cool.

Never do two illegal things at the same time.

I like that advice. Can I give you some more advice?

Do not go to a strip club in the town you live in. Not even Odyssey?

Especially not Odyssey.

Why? Because it becomes habitual.

Before you know it, you're just stopping by for a quick drink, and the

bartender's mixing you a G &T before you even ask for it.

And then one day you wake up, and guess what happens?

I don't know what, but it sounds bad. You're married, man. You're fucking

married. And your wife?

She's still working the pole four nights a week.

Fuck me.

That's all I'm saying.

Write this shit down.

I brought a pad.

This is gold, man.

All right, Edward Cole.

Right?

Eddie? Eddie's fine. Eddie? Yeah.

Like Eddie Murphy.

So what do you want to teach, Eddie?

I mean, ideal world.

Well, I was trained to teach math.

I student taught geometry. And as I was saying, our team went to the state

finals last year. Good for you. Well, thing is, we don't really have any

positions.

There's got to be something.

Mm -mm.

Oh, wait.

I do have something.

Done and done.

It's either 4th or 5th Street. I can't read it.

Fifth? Fifth.

Fourth or fifth.

Good luck.

I got the job!

No way, dude!

We're celebrating.

I'm so happy for you, Eddie.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no. You're sitting right there. Whoa, watch out.

So what's the job?

Oh, sorry. I don't want to sit on the couch and get all oily.

Um, it's up in Tampa.

Ybor City.

It's an after -school study program for kids.

That's the Cuban neighborhood, right? It's really cool up there.

Yeah, yeah, I'm excited.

Brutal commute, though, man.

Fucking brutal. You're gonna be living on the Skyway.

I know.

I, um, I don't mean to insert myself here, but it may make sense for you to

a place closer up there. What? No.

No, no, no. If you move over there, I'm never gonna see you.

I don't know, man. Maybe it's a good idea.

A fresh start.

Well, what's most important is that you're happy, so... Just do whatever

you happy, man.

And this is just gonna keep on happening.

Role -play stuff, man.

What roles are you guys playing?

Christmas in the firehouse? Yeah, turkey with the dinner.

But what's the elephant?

Oh, my dick goes on the nose like this.

No time for dreaming!

You're here to check out the apartment?

The apartment? You're going to love it. It's got everything.

So this is it.

This is your palace, baby.

This is where you're going to love and lose. It's all here.

All right.

Paint, motherfucker!

You got paint, right?

Or am I going to have to make you homeless?

So the walls here are thin.

Cut it.

But you know, if you're banging it out, don't be shy.

I don't mind a little noise.

You know, I'm fairly quiet.

when I make love?

I'm just saying, you know, I like the sound.

Sensuality and whatnot.

You know, life happening.

Yeah, it can be soothing.

And you might hear a little bit of something from me, too, you know.

I might get a little screamy, but it's all good.

If shit gets screamy, I'm just handling my business.

Sure. Sure.

I think I'll take it.

Right on.

All right, well, come downstairs to my bar later. Meet your neighbors.

Okay, sure.

That's pretty cool music.

Pretty cool, baby. It's the coolest.

I used to be in band.

Yeah, what'd you play?

The oboe.

The woodwind.

Man, I know what an oboe is.

It's a pussy deflector.

It's like a pussy magnet, but in reverse.

I was in jazz band.

You played jazz oboes? Yeah.

I had like a Kenny G thing going on. We used to do jazzy Christmas songs.

But oboe.

It wasn't very cool, was it?

Oh, baby, it really wasn't.

That's okay, doll.

What's your poison?

I'm with you.

Give me a chance.

You've been waiting so long now.

Hey, guys.

I'm Mr. Cole.

I am your after -school activities coordinator.

So, what do you want to learn?

Come on, guys. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to learn something.

This is detention.

What? Yeah, we have to be here.

We all got in trouble.

Yes? Can I go to the bathroom?

Sure, yeah, go ahead.

Hey, you want to hear me freestyle rap?

Uh, yeah, he's awesome.

Okay, sure. Yeah, let's hear something. All right, what's your name? Cole?

Yeah.

Mr.

Cole likes it in a hole. Just a little brown wants to go downtown.

Mr. Cole sucking dick on a no. Hey. Pussy bitch want to suck a dick on a no.

got one in his hole.

Both holes. That's enough.

Come on, Mr. Cole, stop being such a bitch.

If you use that kind of language in this class, I will call your parents.

No, no, no, don't do that. You can't.

What's going on? Are you okay?

I'm gonna die.

I got cancer.

What?

It's in the teacher's lounge.

Here.

What do I do with these?

It's a table. I don't know what that is!

Look, you just... You take it and you put it in. What? No way!

No, it's... You just... It's... Can I call your parents?

My dad is working right now and...

Can you wait right here? I know someone that I can call. Can you just wait here

one second? I'll be right back.

Thank the Lord you came.

This is my friend Allie. She's a nurse.

She's going to help you out.

Yeah, come with me.

It'll all be all right.

You want to get a drink with JT? There's a really cool bar underneath my new

apartment. Yeah, sounds good.

Hey, what are you still doing here?

Oh, my sister's meeting me, but she's always late.

Oh, there she is.

That's your sister?

Hi. Hi, I'm Ed Cole.

I work at the school.

You don't date the sister.

Oh.

This is my friend, Allie.

Not my... Not my girlfriend.

Oh, okay.

She's actually dating my best friend, so... I think she gets it, Eddie.

Right.

So... How's it going?

Good. Good.

Yeah. Cool.

You come here often?

To school?

Yeah. Um, yeah, I guess so. I meet Tito these days.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Um, we better get going, right, Ed?

Yeah, we actually have plans tonight, so we gotta jet.

Yeah, we're going to this really cool bar. I don't know if you want to chill.

Chill?

Yeah, like, hang out. Yeah, nobody says chill.

Tito. Be nice to your teacher.

Mira, chiquitita, let's roll.

That's our ride.

Yeah, I got my ride over there.

Um, well, bye.

Yeah, bye.

So scared that no one ever explained it to her.

Sex ed, man. That's what these kids need.

Are you sure you're the best person to be teaching sex ed? You can teach sex ed

even if you're a virgin.

You might actually be better at it. Whoa, who said I was a virgin?

Go on.

Sorry.

For the record, Eddie is definitely not a virgin. He had crazy sex with a

Canadian girl once on our camp.

Who is now a model.

In Toronto?

Yeah. Wow.

But maybe it is time to get back out there.

Dude, I like that girl today.

That did not go well.

Why? It was really uncomfortable to watch.

Really uncomfortable.

Watching that porno with Screech.

What you need is a rain dance.

I don't need a rain dance.

What's a rain dance?

Sometimes when JT's in a dry spell, he finds a girl who is less than

and he has sex with her, and then he paints his face like an Indian and walks

around the apartment in a loincloth. You are in the dry spell.

You are in the death fucking valley.

And once it rains, it pours. So what you need to do is find a girl to end the

dry spell and get things pouring again.

No, that's terrible advice.

Sometimes you gotta get your dick a little bit dirty. I like having a clean

dick.

Well, unavailable men are sometimes more attractive.

By unavailable, she means bros who presently reek of pussy.

And even though you totally lost your virginity at camp and everybody believes

you're not a virgin.

Rain dance might be a good thing.

Jumps are things. Get things going again.

Yeah, but if I lower my standards and date an ugly girl, doesn't that kind of

constrain me to a particular ballpark?

Recall the woman to whom I was laying pipe prior to Allie?

JT, I'm right here.

She looked like she lived under a bridge. Yeah.

The girl I was railing looked like a troll.

But I was getting laid.

And that, in some debiological, pheromonal, pussy -thank way, attracted

me.

So why were you attracted to me?

I don't know. I just was.

Do you think it was some sort of deep pheromonal semen stink kind of way?

a good question.

If Allie smelled like jizz, would you be attracted to her? Yeah.

If we were in a bar and I had jizz on me, would you come over and talk to me?

I don't think he would.

I don't think he would either.

God, I really thought you guys had something special.

And you'd get turned off by a little white thought. I just want you to stop

talking about other people jizzing on you.

So, why were you attracted to me?

I think maybe it's because you're so willing to call me on my shit that

tell me other people jizzed on you.

I'm pretty awesome that way, right?

See, this is what I want, what you guys have.

See, but if you want this, you gotta make it rain.

I have just the girl.

Who? She's a senior winter freshman.

Crazy. And I don't think she's changed since college.

Really? Oh, she will get the job done.

What is wrong with you guys?

All right, guys.

Today we're going to learn about the human body.

Now, I know there's a lot of slang terms out there for body parts.

Please be quiet, Leon.

It's important for you to know and understand the scientific terms so that

have respect for your body and for the bodies of others.

That's why in this class we're only going to use the proper names for the

parts.

So let's start with the female anatomy.

Here we have the labia majora.

Let me hear you say it. Let's all get comfortable with it here.

Labia majora. Good.

Yes, Leon.

Is it always called labia majora?

Yes, Leon.

What if it's kind of droopy?

It's always the labia majora. What if it looks like lunch meat?

It's still the labia majora. What if it looks like a baby's face frowning?

That's still labia majora.

Leon, it will always be labia majora, okay? I'm just saying, man, I think some

shit that I would not call labia majora. Last warning, Leon.

Man, let me know when you find your tiny dick.

It's right above your tiny balls.

Principal's office, now.

No, no, no. I warned you, Leon, go.

Please, Mr. Cole, my dad will kill me. No, Leon.

You should know better, Leon.

You have a dirty mouth.

A dirty, dirty mouth.

I taught you better than that. You should know that.

You know better.

Sir, I'm Eddie Cole.

I run the after -school academic program.

Reverend Marcus Hamilton.

You're not going to wash your hands?

Excuse me.

I apologize for my son's behavior.

You know, it's really not that big a deal. It's just kids being kids.

So what have the kids been learning?

Well, we are taking some time to just talk about general adolescent health

issues. What do you mean by that?

Well, uh...

Leon and the other kids are going through puberty, and they don't really

understand what's happening to them, so... So you're telling my son about his

pubic hair?

No. You don't think that I can explain pubic hair to my own son?

No, of course not. Believe me when I say I have a thorough understanding of

pubic hair.

And that these types of discussions should be had at home between a parent

child.

Not with some teacher that I barely know and certainly don't trust.

I understand.

Come on, Leon.

What's up, honey?

Hey.

I'm meeting a girl here.

Oh, all right.

Blind date.

Oh, I think she's here.

Hey!

Trish, you're Eddie. Hi. Nice to

meet you.

Wow.

This is a cool spot.

Yeah.

So what's up with you?

Not much.

I was just going to say your blouse is really nice. Oh, thank you. It's a good

color.

It's black.

Can I get you something?

Shots. I'll get this party started.

Okay. Right?

Yeah. What do you like to drink?

Everything.

So you have everything here.

Do you like the drip?

Like the big cup sometimes?

Oh, that's it.

And the parents are working and they cut after school programs. It's important.

I need to teach them.

Why don't you teach me something?

What do you want to learn?

Come on, Mr. Teacher.

Show me what you're made of.

Get up.

Oh,

I don't believe it.

Wait,

you're here?

Come on.

Back here.

We should go to my apartment.

Do you have a nice dick?

Yeah. I bet your dick tastes like candy.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah? What kind of candy?

Dick -flavored candy.

Great. I used to give JT blowjobs.

I thought I loved him, but he only loved blowjobs. You are a really nice person.

You're such a nice person. We don't have to get physical right now.

Oh, it's okay.

I am such a freak sometimes.

Blow your dick out.

No, no, it's fine. It's okay.

Just blow it out.

I really think we're fine.

It's okay.

Ow.

Got it. Okay.

You're gay.

You are gay.

No?

You

call

me gay.

Oh, my God. You're upset about that?

Yes, I am.

Why?

That girl was served up to me on a silver platter.

Oh, please.

When Tonya Harding walked in here, you looked at her like she was born out of

egg. You were not interested.

Yeah, I didn't really like her, but... Sometimes you gotta lower your

you know?

No, I don't know.

You think when I pull a man's pants down, I see a tiny penis, and I'm like,

this might go tickle, too.

Girls gotta eat.

Shit, fuck that shit.

I haven't been with a girl in basically forever.

So? So?

What does that make me?

It makes you a dude who hasn't had his bird wet in a while. That don't mean

shit. I'm 23, and I feel like I'm 15.

I'm broke.

I don't have the job I want. I don't have a girl.

I just, I feel like I'm waiting for life to start for me.

Let me tell you something.

You want to be a man?

You want to scratch the surface of life?

Stop moping, because that's not what men do.

Life will start for you when you start it for yourself.

Sit up.

Okay, today we're going to talk about sexually transmitted diseases.

Can anybody name one?

Yes. The clock.

The clap. Right.

The clap is slang for gonorrhea.

Any others?

Crab. Crab.

Right. Crab is slang for pubic lice.

All right. Anybody else?

The green drip.

Green drip. I think you're talking about chlamydia.

Cool. More.

I think that is every STD.

I think we got him, Fish.

So, abstinence, not having sex at all, is the only way to completely prevent

transmission of these diseases.

But if you do become sexually active, wearing a condom can help reduce your

risk. Man, that's like wearing a raincoat in the shower.

Watch it, Leon.

My brother says that condoms are for people who are afraid to write dirty.

Okay.

Well, right now, these are just names on the board.

Let's put a face to these diseases.

Using condoms can keep this kind of stuff from happening to you.

I'm not a raw dogger.

I don't want to be.

So, who wants to learn how to put on a condom?

That's what I thought.

All right, everybody come up here and grab a banana or a cucumber and a cup of

condom.

I got a thing on my mind.

You're not gonna find it.

I got a thing on my mind.

You're not gonna find it.

I think it won't come true.

Cause I ain't lying down till I get my due.

I got a thing on my mind.

I'm still not provided.

I got a thing on my mind.

I want to go out with a girl.

How many dates do I have to take her out on before we have sex?

You're pretty young to be having sex.

You can...

Probably wait a few years, and that's okay.

No, but I want to have sex.

I understand. A lot of people do, but... I mean, there's just... There's really

no rush.

I've been dating this girl Margarita for a while.

So far, all I've got are her handjobs.

That's pretty advanced for someone your age. I hate handjobs. They're so rough.

Look, the bottom line is that you shouldn't rush it.

It will happen when the time is right.

Dude, I watch this stuff on the Internet, and it's like these guys just

banging right away.

What are you watching on the Internet?

Oh, it's the one with the band. It's called Bang Bus. You know, these two

go around.

Tito, that kind of stuff isn't real.

Girls just aren't going to jump in a van and have sex with you. But it seems

pretty real.

I mean, like, they go to places like the mall that look just like the mall.

Hey, let's talk about this later.

Hey.

So you know you're officially Tito's favorite teacher.

What? Pilar, come on.

Yeah, it's true. He can't stop talking about you at home.

He says you're the best teacher he ever had.

Wow. Thanks.

You should come to our house for dinner tonight.

Our mom wants to meet you.

Cool.

Yeah, I'd like that.

I wear strictly continental boots and a high collar shirt.

I've got a reputation of being gentle but bold.

And that's why they call me Agent 006,

baby.

Hey, come on in, Mr. Cole.

You are Peter's teacher, yes? That's right, yes.

I brought some of this.

Some rum.

Let's have some rum for the teacher.

Sure.

Hey, what are you doing? You don't get rum.

He's the man of the house, and he knows it.

I say to him, honey, you don't even know what it means to be a man.

You know, maybe he has a little mustache, but he's still a little boy.

right. Yeah, you should listen to your mom. Having a mustache doesn't mean you

got it all figured out. That's right.

Salud.

Hey, where's Hector? Oh, he's running a little late. He'll be here.

Hector's your boyfriend?

Yeah, you like him.

Cool. Since Hector's late, I need you to help me with dinner.

Sure, yeah, what can I do?

I need you to stand right there.

You need to take the spices and rub into the pig.

Rub it hard, Mr. Eddie. All over the pot.

Inside. Go all the way in.

Get right in there so it's tasty.

Like this?

Lighten up. Have a drink.

Just a little piggy.

Oye, ¿qué está pasando, huh?

Hi, Steve.

Hey.

We're giving dinner for you tonight. Sí, huele bueno.

¿Quieres ron? Pues claro, dale.

Ven aquí.

Hey, baby.

This is Ari, Tito's favorite teacher.

Oh, yeah, the teacher.

Now a drink.

Salud. Lu.

Nice to meet you. And you, officially.

So what do you do?

I'm actually a DJ.

Oh, cool.

Yeah. You do a little of this when you DJ?

No, not like that.

Oh, your technique is better than mine?

You have to be more casual. You're putting too much effort into it. It's

white guy right now.

I am a white guy. I'm just doing the fist pump of my people.

I guess I'm being too racist, huh?

I do wish you were a little bit more open to my culture. I'm sorry.

I'll be more sensitive.

So what kind of stuff do you play?

I play like reggaeton.

I actually don't know what that is. It's like Latino hip -hop, you know?

So where do you DJ?

Um, clubs are on here, mostly.

But I do a couple of shows in Miami every year. It's so much fun.

You should totally come out.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Bilal, I need some help in the kitchen.

Coming.

Hey, Eddie.

Oye.

Have a drink with me?

Yeah, all right. Okay.

I was at the gym earlier, lifting weights.

That's why I was late. Oh yeah? Yeah, you got a nice physique.

Yeah, you work out?

Yeah, I do, actually. I like to use the ergometer.

Oh, the what?

The rowing machine.

The erg. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know. I never heard of it.

So, listen, you always come to your students' homes for dinner?

No, this is actually my first time.

Hmm.

Yeah. I don't know, man. You know, it seems a little weird.

Well, Pilar invited me, and I figured it would...

Be cool. Oh, Pilar invited you.

Mm -hmm. Because I'm Tito's favorite teacher, so... That's interesting.

Maybe next time, don't come for dinner.

Maybe next time, say you're busy.

Yeah,

sorry.

Man,

you don't know anything.

Have another one with me.

Have another one with me

You

good

He's drooling, he's drooling. He hurt him.

Hey!

What are you doing? Why are you bothering me? Look at how he told me.

see that.

Please!

Try one.

It's not going to do that.

That's gross.

Don't. I wouldn't.

Is it good?

No, man. It's disgusting.

Why do you eat it, then?

Because, Papi.

I eat what I want.

You know what?

I eat what I want, too.

Papi.

Yeah, man.

I didn't actually think that he would eat. He did.

Are you okay? Yeah, man. Come on. Yeah.

Are you okay? Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Listen,

sweetie.

It ain't over.

I have to disagree with you there.

I puked on a man before.

Puked right on the dick.

Really? Oh, yeah. Shit was salty. Made me gag.

Wow. You know what I did?

What? I said, man, go wash your dick off and let's do this.

You didn't let it stop you for a second.

Well, I mean, it stopped me for a second because I wanted to wash this shit off,

but it didn't stop me. Two tears in a bucket. Fuck it.

This is living.

You should be so lucky that you're out there falling in love with women, puking

your guts out for them and on them.

That's true.

It's courageous.

I mean, would you want to be with a woman that you wouldn't drink half a

of rum and eat an eyeball for?

I appreciate this. I really do. But she has a boyfriend.

Man, fuck a boyfriend.

It always starts before it stops.

I know.

She's beautiful.

But to her, I'm just a brother's dorky teacher.

But you'll never know if you don't go after it, and a man can't live that way.

You know, wondering what life might be like.

You got to be mad for something. Be crazy for it.

You got to wash the puke off that dick and get into it.

Guys, this is JP and Allie. They're going to help us with our lesson today.

I like your hair, baby. You look spicy.

Leon, remember we're trying to be more respectful.

I'm just saying, baby. I like your spice.

I can get involved with your business.

Cool it, you little shit.

Okay,

okay, let's all calm down.

JT and Ally are going to help us learn how to respectfully communicate with the

opposite sex.

I like JT. He looks strong.

Show me your muscles.

Abs,

abs, abs, abs, abs, abs, abs.

This is no place for abs. Thank you.

All right, we're going to pair off. Who wants to go first?

Wanna come over and watch a movie?

Okay, Shelly, it sounds like you're trying to booty call me. Is that what

really want?

I like your suit.

They're fly.

Make fun of me a little bit. Don't just tell me how great I am.

Girl, I like your skin.

Whoa, what is this, Silence of the Lambs?

If someone sends me a Snapchat of his dick, do I have to send back a picture

my V?

Whoa, what?

You're sexy.

Well, not only was that not creative, but he gave off kind of a rapey vibe. Is

that what you're trying to throw out there? Those shoes are whack.

Your mom gets them for you at the mall?

Great, great work. I love what you did there.

Right now, I think I'm just going to try and bang as many tics as possible.

Yeah, that's not a good idea.

I just don't think you should be Snapchatting with anybody who's sending

pictures of their dick.

But... I really like him.

No, you don't like him. You don't like the guy that sends dick pics. You say no

more dick pics. Girls need to stick together.

Don't let boys come between you.

The only thing that they have that you don't have is a penis.

And a penis is no reason to be sad.

Look, I don't know if you've masturbated yet.

Honestly, we don't have to talk about it, but my advice to you, rub one out

before any major decision involving the opposite sex.

I want to light some candles and play R. Kelly and just get emotional with you.

Oh, my goodness.

He says three dates means he gets a blowjob.

That's not accurate.

That's what he said.

You say no jobs. There's no jobs. There's no jobs in this area.

There's a job pre -zone. That's what you tell him.

No jobs.

Good job, man.

Wow. These kids really do need you.

Man, they're operating on a whole different sexual level. I know, man.

The Snapchat thing?

Dicks, man. Every kind of dick on their phone.

You guys want to go get a drink?

I think I just need to be alone right now.

Never too good at that.

Hey, Pilar.

I'm really sorry about the whole thing the other night.

It's all right.

After we cleaned up all the vomit, it was kind of funny.

Yeah, I've never seen someone throw up on my mom, so it was kind of awesome.

Yeah, a little too much rum for me, I think.

How's Hector?

He's a dickhead.

Here, will you give us a sec?

He's all right.

We're taking a break, actually.

I was being a little expressive.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Hey, what are you doing Thursday night?

There's this really cool bar underneath my apartment. They do this Afro -Cuban

jazz thing on Thursdays. I don't know if you'd want to come.

Sounds great.

All right.

It's a date, then.

Yeah. Like, it's a drink.

Like an appointment. Like, it's in the book.

But I'll pay for the tab, though.

It's the date, then.

Yeah.

Got drunk with the wife last night and watched Modern Family.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Love the gay guys on that show. So fucking awesome.

They're really funny. Yeah.

But you always wonder, you know, which one's the top and which one's the

Yeah, they don't really get into that on the show.

But Cam, he's such a bitch, you know, so you figured, oh, he'd probably be the

bottom. But he's the big one.

And isn't the big one always on top?

Because the whole domination thing? I've never really thought of that.

Yeah, me neither. It's a mysterious world, the whole gay man thing.

Yeah, it is.

But let's face it, they kind of got it made in the shade, you know?

I mean...

Any night of the week, they can get laid.

Just go to some club that's filled with hot dudes. I mean, like, good -looking,

ripped, totally, like, muscled guys, and they can just bone down.

They have an app for that, actually.

Imagine if we had that app. It would be a lot easier.

Although, slow down. I mean, we're making some major generalizations here.

mean, it's not like all gay men are sluts.

I know a lot, actually, that are in very committed relationships.

Really serious, you know? True commitment.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Love doesn't care about gender.

No.

Well, I'd love to talk about Modern Family all day, but you know why you're

here? Just a progress report?

A little checkup?

No, man.

You really shat on the wrong chest.

I'm sorry? Reverend Hamilton was in here the other day.

He's really pissed.

You're handing out condoms in your class?

What are you teaching?

Just general adolescent health issues.

You mean sex ed.

Well, yeah.

Eddie, we don't teach sex ed in this district. That's a hot issue.

Reverend Hamilton petitioned it. Keep it up.

And he'll pull your program, and you'll be out of job.

These kids need to learn about their bodies. Half of them are already

experimenting sexually.

Look, Eddie, truth be told, I don't give a shit what you're teaching in your

class. All right?

Hamilton runs a recovery meeting on Wednesdays at the school gym.

I suggest you go talk to him and make your case.

Okay, I'll do that.

Wow, big class today.

We told them you were explaining stuff about sex.

Oh.

Well, unfortunately, we can't do that today.

But I do have some brain teasers, so we're going to do some of that.

Not you, Leon.

I'm just grabbing a pen. Come on.

Can see you

So

Your sister and I are going to go out on a date.

Would that be okay with you?

Really? What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I'm still figuring that out.

Question.

Do you get a boner when you see my sister?

Or do you have, like, a boner now because you're thinking about her?

No. Really?

Yeah, no boner right now. See, with me, it's, like, right away, you know?

All I have to do is think about Margarita and boom.

Well, I think that's because you're going through puberty right now.

I hope so, man. Sometimes I'm like a walking boner, you know?

That's why I can't wear sweatpants anymore.

So, isn't it weird, though?

Like, as soon as I turned 10, I was like, why did everybody stop wearing

sweatpants in middle school?

And now I know why.

Very true.

So, you're okay with it?

Yeah, totally, man.

Cool. All right, thanks.

Let's get back to work.

I recently watched it.

What can I do for you?

I was hoping that we could discuss my after -school program.

See, here's the issue, Mr. Cole.

I don't think that sex or anything relating to it should be taught in

I understand why you feel that way. I don't think you do.

Because I'm not just some Bible thumper.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sex. Sex is a beautiful thing. I

sex. I make love to my wife with great frequency.

That's great that you have that in your marriage.

But sex is love, and love is God.

And teaching sex without God is wrong, because you're teaching a formula, a

mechanical exchange of fluids. And if those children see that as such, they're

going to do it early and often.

Maybe you could come and observe a class, because I think once you saw it

action, you'd see that we approach it with the respect and the sensitivity

it deserves.

All right, Mr. Cole.

I'll give you that chance.

Great. Thank you.

All right, he's in. Full fucking house!

Where are you? Hey!

How's it going?

Dude, how's the new place?

Dude, did you Christian the bed yet? I got a date with her, man. It's fucking

happening. What?

Are your parents going to drive you to the mall?

Maybe on the second date you can finger her the movie theater.

I'm not in a rush, man. I really like this girl.

I like the style, Ed.

Thank you.

No, I do. I think it's a noble way to look at the situation.

Oh, here we go again.

Blow it out your ass, Hank, okay? This is important.

Check it out. When I'm laying in bed with my wife, right, and she's sleeping,

and I'm watching her, and the minute that she opens her eyes... And you sit

her face.

Good morning, Vietnam!

Hey, P, I'm trying to have a conversation here.

What I'm trying to say is the minute that she opens her eyes, it's through

And we get to fall in love over and over again with each passing day.

Jimmy, show him the picture.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Take a good long look at that right there. That's natural.

Motherhood is a beautiful thing, isn't it? Oh, let me see that.

You've seen this.

Holy, that's your wife?

Are those real?

That's the mother of my child, you asshole. Oh, I'm jealous.

Okay, all right, all right, Jimmy, calm down. You show her tits to everyone in

town, so I can't say I blame the guy.

That's true.

Eddie, my office.

All right, let me tell you something. Your problem is that you think love and

super hot, nasty sex are mutually exclusive.

I love Allie. I do. But that does not stop me from getting a hard -on and

that girl like a dime store hooker. I know, man. I get it. I'm just playing

one my way.

Dude, fuck your way.

Your way is dropping $120 on prom night and ending up with yet another case of

blue balls.

The time has come.

The time has come to turn those balls from a purplish navy to a pale pink. I

it, man. I do. I want it. I just want it to be...

Special. And it will be special.

Yeah, these.

What are these?

They're shit, my friend.

I'd order a whole crate of them to get them.

They're from Canada.

They make you bigger, they make you last longer, and more importantly, they make

you come like a fucking donkey.

Fucking Canadians, man.

Take one of these bad boys. Without them, you'd probably last like 15

And you want it to be special, right?

Yeah, great.

And when you black like a fucking rope, it's gonna be extra special.

Okay guys, so yesterday you wrote down your questions and today we're gonna

them together and I'm gonna answer them.

And remember, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

There's no such thing as a stupid question here.

So Shelly, why don't you pick one off the top and read it out loud.

I don't want to say this question.

It's gross.

Okay, I'll read it. I'll decide whether or not it's gross.

Can a boy pee in a girl's vagina when they're having sex?

Yeah, I know it's funny, but it's actually a good question.

When a man has an erection, the part of the urethra that connects to the bladder

gets pinched off, so it's actually impossible for a man to do that.

So, there you go.

Um, Leon, why don't you do the next one? Shelly, pass the box back to Leon.

I don't think I should say this question.

Leon, it's a science class. There's no wrong questions here.

Okay. The question is, what's a squirter?

Okay, okay.

That is a slang term for when a female

ejaculates during orgasm, which we talked about.

So, good question, basically.

Next.

Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?

Yes, you can. If you are sexually mature, you can get pregnant. Next. Is

such a thing as boo balls?

Can double penetration get you pregnant?

This is inappropriate.

Not a scientific question. Not answering those.

Can a minivan be a bang bus or does it have to be a full -size van?

Science. We want a science question.

What does a vagina taste like?

Tito, that's not scientific.

Can a female have sex with itself?

Come on.

I'm sorry, Reverend.

Does a teabag feel good?

Really? Does a teabag taste good?

This is ridiculous.

Reverend.

Reverend, wait.

Reverend.

This class is a joke.

And you, sir, are a joke of a teacher.

I will not support a question and answer session by students, my son included,

on oral sex. These are their questions. They need answers.

If I don't give them the facts, who will?

You?

You're indulging these children, Mr. Cole.

You're encouraging their worst instincts.

You had your chance.

All you've done is show me that this cannot continue.

Does semen taste like Chinese food?

Don't act like you don't know.

My girlfriend wants to do it. She's ready.

Tito, you're too young to have sex.

See, I think I'm gonna start missionary, you know, to look into her eyes and all

that. But then it's all doggy style. I'm gonna line that shit up.

Stop it.

You gotta promise me you're not gonna do this.

Why? Because you're not ready.

There's real emotions involved.

It's a real... Then what's all your class about then?

It's about teaching you so that when you are ready, you'll be safe. And that

you'll have respect for it.

That's bullshit.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm still gonna do it. So are you gonna give me the condom or not?

They're really pretty eyes.

What color are they?

Blue, but they have a little green and yellow.

Nice.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I've had a really rough day.

I think they're going to cancel my class.

What? Why?

I've been teaching sex ed because I think they need to know it.

And... I gave out condoms in class, and this one parent got really mad at me.

I can see why.

And I'm worried about your brother.

Why are you worried about my brother?

I think that he might try and have sex tonight.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

How would you even know he's gonna have sex?

Because he told me and he asked me for a condom. And you gave it to him?

Yeah, what was I supposed to do? I don't know. Maybe tell me, his sister, so I

could stop him. And why are you giving out condoms to your students? That's

really weird.

If he asks me and then I tell on him, then the next time maybe he won't ask.

then he may try and have sex without a condom. Casa! Whatever. We need to get

back to my house now. He's probably there with her alone. My mom is out

Tito!

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

We were just watching the notebook. Oh, bullshit. My goodness, you need to

leave.

Eddie, you should leave too.

Are you sure? I can stay.

You've done enough already.

What? What do you mean?

This is your fault.

You gave him a condom and taught him how to use it. If I hadn't given him a

condom, he might have tried to have sex without one.

Dude, I could have pulled out.

No, man, you can't do that. It doesn't work.

Sometimes pulling out works.

No, what?

No, it doesn't work.

This is why we need sex ed.

Eddie.

I want you to leave.

Really?

Yes.

All right.

Yo! Where you going? Sorry.

You think it's cool to go out with another guy's girl, huh? Hey, she's a

woman. She can do what she wants. Shut the fuck up.

Who do you think you are? I'm a grown man.

I can do what I want.

I don't think so.

Tonight, you're gonna get fucked.

Who's gonna fuck me?

I am. I'm gonna fuck you up.

You want some company tonight?

Fuck it.

Yeah.

The headache.

Oh, no, the... Sorry, never mind.

So, why don't you tell me how you want it?

Normal, I guess.

The standard.

How about I suck your big cock first?

Yeah, okay. Let me put on a condom. A condom?

Yeah. Don't you know how easy it is to get an FDD for moral effect?

No, I had no idea.

Especially syphilis.

15 % of syphilis transmissions happen through... Oh, my God, what is that?

Oh, shit.

Not again.

Oh, God.

Now you owe me an extra hundred.

That doesn't seem fair.

So, you get beat up so you decide to fuck a prostitute?

Yeah.

Because I didn't fuck her. Because it wasn't her.

It was a he.

A guy.

The hooker.

Wow.

Well, I retract my earlier advice about you needing to lower your standards. You

now need to raise your standards.

I didn't tell it was a guy.

He was dressed like a girl. A really pretty girl.

Couldn't you just tell me?

His hands were kind of rough.

What did you do with his hands?

Fucking hell.

Just don't cut a boner, man.

Hold up a bank with that thing. I took those blood pills.

You took the load pills for a hooker? What happened to what's -her -name?

That day was a disaster.

We ended up tracking down her little brother to cockblock him, and then she

kicked me out because I gave him condoms.

That is a weird date.

I'm a virgin, JT.

I know.

Come on, nobody believes you screwed that Canadian girl at camp.

You're too afraid to talk to her.

There was a lot of tension. Something could have happened.

Listen, Eddie, it'll happen.

Everybody gets laid.

Your class is canceled until I can hire somebody new.

These kids need this.

I like you, Eddie. I really do, but you shat the bed on this one.

They're middle school students having sex as we speak.

Not right now, but... I know, Eddie.

I know they're out there fucking.

But you're done.

Sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.

Are you here for a bagel?

No, baby, I'm here for you. Talk to me.

What's going on? Where you been?

Well, a few nights ago, I got the shit kicked out of me, and then I paid

$70 to almost fuck a dude.

A dude with a dick.

And then I got fired.

Hot damn.

Do I have a faraway look in my eyes, like something's haunting me?

You look like you've seen terrible things.

I need to have had sex just once, just to get that confidence.

Fool, you got to stop looking at life as a series of checklist items.

Stop thinking about whether or not you've had sex and start thinking about

you need to do to become the man you want to be.

The man you want to be isn't just someone who fucked a woman.

It's someone who knows what he wants and goes after it.

Ask yourself, who's the man I want to be?

Is he a bagel man?

No.

He's a teacher.

You're damn straight he is.

Does he want to eat a butt?

No. No, he does not.

But he could if he wanted to, because he knows what he wants.

Hey.

I just wanted to come by and apologize.

Okay.

So...

I'm sorry.

Fine.

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't.

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

I get it.

And I like you.

I really do.

We hardly know each other, and you're Tito's teacher.

Yeah, but I want to live in a world where this can happen. Where a guy can

pursue a woman with grand gestures.

That's really sweet.

So here's my grand gesture.

What is that?

It's an oboe.

Oh.

It's a woodwind.

It's not really meant to be played unaccompanied.

It's okay.

It was beautiful.

Let's do something right now.

Why don't you show me some place you love in the city?

Okay.

Are there any alligators in this river?

Come on.

I just need to know if I'm going to have to protect you.

Are you a big alligator wrestler? Yeah.

Can't you tell?

It's big muscles.

Where'd you grow up?

Sarasota. Where'd you go?

I feel kind of close. I can go back.

You mean high school?

Not really.

I do.

I have a bunch of friends.

I'm still friends with Alan.

I mean, they didn't, like, shove me into lockers or anything. I wasn't that kid,

but... I bet you were a huge nerd.

Yeah. I was a nerd.

And he was awesome.

I want to take you out to my favorite club.

I'm not really a big club guy.

Come on, you'll like it.

Do you want to see what you've been missing out with all the cool kids?

Sure.

Mwah, look at you.

Turn around.

Ah, damn, girl.

What's up?

Um, it's just the two of us. Is that cool?

Ugh. Look, um, you're good. Kind of crazy in there right now, so, uh, no

We can just go to the bar by my apartment.

Is it okay if I just go in and say hi to some friends?

I'll be quick.

Yeah, she ain't coming back, man.

What? Yeah, I've seen this a hundred times before, man.

Club's got her now.

Dude, we're on a date.

We just made out. You just made out?

Yeah. You just on a date?

You hear that music, man?

I'm telling you, when that music gets in your system, like it's getting in her

system, oh my God, she is feeling it in every part of her body, man.

It's the music. It's not her.

Champagne.

Jewels, caviar, fur coats.

I mean, people just wear fur coats for no reason. There's some Stephen Hawking

shit going on in there, man. It's like a wormhole.

The pool or the dance floor? She can't help myself.

Sex. I can't forget about sex, okay? I'm mad, because I'm feeling it now, okay?

I would rather be in there, but I'm outside with you right now.

So here's what I need you to do for me, okay? I need you to go home, and this is

your best bet. Just go home, have a quick beat -off, fall asleep, man.

I'll be right back.

Look who it is. I want my girlfriend.

I don't want any trouble, man.

Yeah, well, you got trouble.

Man, fuck off!

Am I going to have to kick your ass again, you little fucking pussy?

I was just trying to keep the peace. That's what I was doing. I didn't have

nothing to do with all this, you know, because this is my operation.

And the white dude, man, he came from out of nowhere, man, like a hurricane,

just chopping people, tearing people.

Like, he tore someone, you know. He fish hooked the motherfucker, right?

The Hispanic dude.

If you don't know what that is, it's when you take your hand like such and

rip it like a fish. So if you ask me, he won the fight for sure, man. Yeah,

right. He won the fight due to a fish hook maneuver.

Dude, I don't think I can get you off again, man.

I am pulling all kind of favors with my buddies in police, but two times in two

weeks, that is a lot.

Well, I say congratulations.

It sounds like you're finally living.

I don't have a job.

And I probably have an arrest record. And Pilar ditched me.

Well, I'll tell you what, honey.

Forget the woman. You need to go and get your job back.

I can't. This Reverend Hamilton guy.

Oh, my God. How is it I'm the only one in this group who has some fucking

You're right.

Those kids need me. Without you, they're going to learn about sex from the

Internet. And the Internet is a dark place.

Lemon party?

Yeah, that's what's good.

Bukkake? I mean, the whole concept of Bukkake.

Girls are going to think it's cool for a bunch of weird guys in business who's

just... Jerk off on the faces.

Oh. No, man, I don't think I need to tell you guys. That shit's

I'm gonna talk to Hamilton after school tomorrow.

He's got an AA meeting that he leads there.

I'm right there with you, man.

I think I gotta do this one myself.

Hasta que yo hablé con Amando, todo me explicaba más.

Take a seat up there.

What are you doing here?

My name's Eddie Cole.

Hi, Eddie.

I'd like to share. This is a private meeting, Mr. Cole. I need to share.

I'm going to share, okay?

How many parents have we got in here?

Just answer me one question, and then I'll go.

How many of you have discussed sex with your children?

Please, raise your hands.

Where do you... think kids learn about sex if not from you, their parents, or

me, the teacher?

They learn about it from each other or from things they've seen in movies or on

the internet with pornography.

They see images of men doing strange and mean things to women, sometimes like

four or five guys and just one girl, doing things that are uncomfortable,

things that might cause some sort of injury.

Girls learn that they should expect men to treat them badly?

The truth is, maybe I'm not the right person to be teaching this class. I

have the teaching experience.

I don't even have the sexual experience.

I'm actually a virgin.

So that's kind of nuts that I'm teaching sex ed.

But this class is important.

It's the most important thing that we can teach these kids.

Mr. Cole is really important to us because he tells us straight about sex.

Yeah, I used to think it was normal and easy to meet women to have sex with you

if you had a big van.

I tried it, man. It's not.

Now we know.

Now we know that sex like that just isn't normal.

And it's not even, like, a good idea. I mean, if you just go around having sex

with everybody, you're gonna get a disease.

And if you do that, you can get coot checkers on your labia majora. What

trying to say is there are things about having sex and being a grown -up that

it's weird to talk to your dad about.

I love you, Dad, but I can't ask you about butt sex. I just can't. But I can

Mr. Cole, and I know he'll give me a real answer.

That if two adults mutually agree that they want to do anal, they can do it,

provided they use sufficient lubrication and condoms.

How am I supposed to have that conversation with my dad, the Reverend?

We need Mr. Cole.

He's a virgin.

And his class makes me realize maybe it's okay if I'm one too.

Excuse me, Mr. Cole?

I'll catch up with you in a second. Hey, thanks for your support in there.

I really support you.

Just let me know if there's anything else I can do to support you.

Hey, you.

Hey.

Congratulations.

You told me about what happened.

Yeah, thanks.

He also told me what you said in the classroom about you not having sex.

Is that true?

It is.

I'm sorry. I know that's kind of weird.

We're all waiting for you down at the hub.

One second, man. I'll be right down.

Come on.

Hey, why don't we go down to the bar, celebrate with everybody, and then we

back up.

Come here.

I want to be your first.

Dude, I'll be right down.

We don't need to do it right this second.

We don't need to do it just to do it.

Isn't that a good reason?

I'm not saying I don't want to do it with you.

I just, maybe right now isn't the best time.

Why not?

Why don't we go down?

We could listen to some music. We could meet my friends. We could dance.

Eddie, I really don't like that bar.

What? Really?

I'm not into it.

Okay, well... Why don't we... look right now?

And throw this club down the block after...

I kind of got stuck outside.

I know, I know, but it'll be different this time.

I promise.

Yeah. Hey, I'm trying to meet you cooler.

I'm not that uncool.

I know, I just, I... Fuck it.

I don't get you.

I really don't.

You can stay a virgin.

I guess I think that's okay.

Fuck,

did I ruin that for you?

Feels like you need a little bit of bourbon, baby. On the rocks, splash of

Yeah.

So...

Where's your lovely?

She is lovely, isn't she?

She is.

I ended it.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

It'll happen, Eddie.

You just have to be ready for it when it does, and then it'll be easy.

It'll all make perfect sense.

I'll tell you what.

you're a man now manhood isn't all wanting a woman and not getting her it's

having a woman and knowing you don't feel the madness yeah

ain't no shame in it more shame in living in no love you're right

Oh man, seventh period, sex act, Mr. Cole.

What's this honky motherfucker gonna teach me about sex?

Well, hold up. You got Mr. Cole for sex act?

Son, Mr. Cole is for real. He the realest motherfucker that is.

Thank you.

with me dad

from the American Teaching Corps?

Right. Welcome.

It's kind of funny because I'm actually Canadian.

Canadian?

So you came here to learn how to teach health and human development?

Yes.

I think sex ed is really important.

Well, you came to the right fucking place.

You have kids come into this class and you think you're going to have to

to them anatomical or sexual things, but they're more advanced than I am with

certain things. With what? The Internet.

Just with obscure sexual positions.

I mean, I'd love to know what the kids know. Well, I mean, I think it's like

against the law to repeat something that a minor tells you sexually. But now

that I've done my Internet research to shore up my knowledge, I feel like I've

aged 10 years.

When I was a young man.

You would just hint to a girl like, oh, I got a big dick.

You'd imply it? Yeah.

But that's it.

Pants were tighter back then. You could probably. Yeah, that's what guys did.

They would stuff like a shoe in there or tinfoil.

Definitely. Or a narrow shoe. A narrow shoe.

Otherwise, it looks like you have a deformed thing.

No, you don't want to scare people off. It probably looks like a, yeah, like a

goiter or something. If there is a disorder, it's, oh, shoot, I should know

for my job, but where you're.

One of the components in the testicle swells to such a size that you have to

have it removed.

One of the components, like the vas deferens? It might be the vas deferens

the Calper's gland.

That's the one I always pretend like I know of it. I know that one. It's like

the prostate and the Calper's ad.

I would look, but my Google's down.

The book they get, we got to get new textbooks. The books that I have are

1983.

I know. There's things, they're still calling AIDS grid.

There's also data information. That's a good thing. It's embarrassing.

Okay. Bye.

They're still saying masturbation is wrong.

Every time.

Even monkeys masturbate.

They do.

Bonobos. Yeah. The apes. Yeah. They use sex as like a, like with trade. They'll

trade sexual favors within their bonobo colonies.

Yeah. Very interesting. They'll prostitute out people to create peace

tribes. They will. Yeah.

Look at Jacob. I wouldn't teach that in junior high. That seems like.

No. A higher concept idea. No. I thought primatology too. It's almost like

grooming. Like when they.

You have cunnilingus to another ape or something. It's like grooming.

Oh. Huh.

Yeah.

That's fascinating.

Yeah.

Making a grooming. Mm -hmm.

You ever get crabs?

I have not.

This, interesting fact, the crab is, or the pubic louse, is endangered.

Really? Because of modern grooming habits.

Very few people have that.

From the videos that I found, you know, of sex education with, like, serious

hair down there, that's not really the tendency these days. Yeah. For the louse

is going extinct.

That's good. Like smallpox.

Have you gotten?

I never got them, no.

That's good. I mean, I never looked, but I'm assuming you'd know.

You would probably feel something.