Original subtitles

Thank you.

Darling, don't you just love my hairdo?

Do you love your hairbrushes? Yes, I do.

My hair, my normal hair.

Could I have all your little colours?

Oh, yes, just a nice orangey colour. You like the orangey? I think I like the

orangey.

She's going colourblind. She's colourblind, yes, of course.

So I said to him, my husband, we were speaking at the time. I said, well,

darling, when we were married, we agreed to share absolutely everything. So what

exactly is wrong?

All I did was borrow your ghastly little motor car last night. So why are you so

angry with me?

And he said, because I was the one you knocked over with it in the drive as you

left.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello, guys. We have enjoyed ourselves.

You'll be seeing us again.

God, cool.

Here, look at that.

Damn, boy.

Let him all wear that. Good luck, doll.

There you go.

Hello, Mr Carter.

Hello. Hello, hello.

Here comes the Uncle Fred. Yes. How is he? Oh, he's fine, he's fine.

You'd like to go up and see him, would you? Yes, please, thank you. Right, come

this way.

Oh. Oh, Mr Spencer, Mr Spencer, are you all right? Hi.

Oh, Lucille.

Oh, dear.

Thank you. Thank you, Lucille.

Right now? Yes, I'm all right now.

Well, if you want me, I'll be outside.

Thank you, so sweet.

Every time she bends over me, it's like watching the mountains of morn

sweep down to the... Well, you know what I mean.

Now, Tony, if you fancy it, have it.

Don't think about it.

You haven't had a heart attack, Uncle Fred. You've got a severe case of virus

sex.

If you could stop beating about the bush, Uncle Fred, if you'll pardon the

expression, we've invested your money in a gentleman's drinking club in Mayfair

which wasn't doing too well.

Licensed to sell booze and boobs at exorbitant prices.

Tony, you forgot food.

Uncle Fred, I hope you don't think we're prying, but where did you get all this

money to give us?

After all, it's a lot.

Now, now, no questions.

You've got it.

And that's all you've got to worry about.

OK, but I hope you like what we're going to call the club.

The Blues Club.

Boo. On there.

You're inhaling rather faster than usual, brother Richard.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's nice, all right.

What's so different about her?

She's just a local girl that all the fellas are trying to make.

Well, she's the star of the blues club, and she's making the owner a lot of

bread.

I do hate a man without a sense of humour, don't you? Yes, yes.

Now, in the morning, I thought we might have a bottle of Chambers and then go to

a flick.

After we've got out, of course.

Well, all right, then. Just as long as it isn't a sex film.

I do hate to watch someone else doing it.

This film is called The Velvet Whip.

Well, all right, then. Just as long as it isn't about sex.

Mr. Carter, please.

Which Mr. Carter did you want?

Either of them would do.

Welcome to the Blues Club.

We have a very, very fine bill for you tonight. Boy, it's a very, very good

bill. But please don't leave, sir. Not the sort of bill you've got to pay. The

bill of artistes.

We've got some simply lovely, luscious ladies.

You know, if they were all laid, end to end, they'd all be laid.

End to end. Get it?

I mean, it's the last time I get D .H. Lawrence to write my material.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're probably all waiting to meet the

Queen of the Blues.

Do you know she comes from a very long line that a mother should never have

listened to?

Oh, yes.

But do you know, listen, listen, she's a very, very funny lady. Very funny lady.

The first time I met her, she said, how do you do? And I said, do what? She

said, please yourself.

Yeah. We went into the park, just like the babes in the wood. Of course, we

more than the babes.

She said, would you like to come up to the flat for coffee and games? I said,

you can cut out the coffee.

Do you know what she said to me? She said, I get so sexy when I sneeze.

So sexy.

I said, what do you do about it, darling? She said, I take snuff.

By the way, listen, listen. Do you know, she really does give her all.

Really gives her all when she comes on here.

Last week, she fainted in her efforts to entertain you. And it took four strong

men to carry her off.

Two abreast.

So she's all woman, gentlemen.

All woman. You know, she's absolutely fascinated by the sales.

Fascinated by the sales she is. That's why she calls the discount act, she's

always taking something off.

Yeah. But you may think, you may think that I have a difficult job.

But I don't find it hard to keep it up.

No. I don't find it at all hard to keep it up. And do you know why?

It's because the Queen of the Blues...

She's always taking things down.

Yes, she always is.

Yesterday she came back from the sales with two dresses and an escalator.

Right.

By the way, do you know, listen, we cater for all tastes at the Blues Club.

tastes. I mean, if you're offended by the sight of naked flesh, our girls

naked, then put their clothes on just for you.

And I'm a very refined gentleman.

A very refined gentleman.

I even serve breasted chicken in a bra.

Yes. I do.

Yes, and it is our proud boast, our proud boast, that in the kitchens, our

is untouched by human hands.

Oh, no, the chef's a monkey.

Oh, you've been down to the kitchen to see your father, have you?

You shouldn't worry about that gentleman. You shouldn't worry about

very bad case of varicose brains.

I like the girls who do. I like the girls who don't. I like the girl who

she will, and then she says she won't.

But the girl I like the best of all, and I think you'll say I'm right, is the

girl that said she never does.

But she looks as though she might.

Listen, our next artist, she's way out in front. And she's got an exclusive

motto. Do you know what she says?

Two's company, but three is very poor birth control.

Anyway, please give a big hand to our star, the Queen of the Blues.

I'm very interested in your case, Tony.

Think I can help?

Really?

What's the matter? Don't you thank me?

Of course I do.

Well, then, really?

We'll soon hear that silly old stem review.

Sorry to have kept you. I've had a little trouble with a drunken customer.

It's good that you can take care of yourself.

Well, reasonably.

Did you hear that, Brother Richard?

I'm Mike Carter.

You wanted to speak to me?

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Carter.

It's always nice to meet a new client.

Look, we don't want any assurance.

I don't think you understand, Mr. Carter.

You see, Brother Richard and I work for Mr. Rex Roscoe. It's well worth taking

out a policy with Mr. Roscoe.

It's saved many customers' lives, I assure you.

Look, I'm sorry, but... Mr. Carter, did you ever see a film called The Glass

Seed? Yeah.

Brother Richard here saw it too. And the part of the film that appealed to him

most was where William Bendix referred to Alan Ladd as his little rubber ball.

A cane that used to bounce him.

See how it's affected him? Ever since he saw that film, he's longed for his own

rubber ball of that.

Well, I...

Mr. Carter, the governor is an unreasonable man. He wants you to think

Look, do you realize there's such a thing as the law in this country?

The

governor

is looking forward very much to seeing you tomorrow morning. And if I was you,

I'd be there.

Because we like you.

And your brother.

Don't we, Brother Ripley?

Look, I don't know if Tony and I are free!

Splendid. 11 o 'clock tomorrow morning, 39 Moffat Street, then.

Okay?

Mr. Carter, Brother Richard and I have nothing in view for the rest of the

evening. And we've heard your show is tremendous.

Alfredo, will you give these two gentlemen whatever they want? On the

please. Okay, right.

Hold up.

She's your uncle's.

Have some of that.

And I'm not saying anything against Mary, just because she's queen of the

Those false eyelashes are so big, every time she blinks, it's like a flock of

pigeons taking off.

Oh, well, thank God that's my last one for tonight.

Honestly, girls, I'd have thought when you'd seen one pair of tits, you'd seen

the lot.

Well, I mean, how about, she's got a wonderful act, apart from the one you've

just seen.

Bitter tap dancing with the right foot, little ballet with the left, and between

the two, she makes a living.

Well, you do, don't you?

Well, yes, but I don't blab it around.

Ta -ra!

Ta -ra!

Hi, girls.

How are my ladies -in -waiting?

Good evening, Your Majesty.

I know this is asking for trouble, but how do I look? Wonderful.

Marvellous. I've never seen your circles. Quite some light.

I can't think why you girls are so jealous of me.

What? Us?

Jealous of who?

Of whom, dear, whom?

Why should we be jealous of you, darling?

Well, you'd all like to be queen of the blues in my place, wouldn't you?

You're conceited sort of opinionated.

You're talking about the one I love.

Mary, why must you be such a bore?

Really. At least I don't talk to people behind their backs. Only to their...

Silly me, I nearly said faces.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, Theresa.

She's a young lady that's going to go far.

Trouble is, I know how far she does go.

Anyway, if you think the Bristol Suspension Bridge is the greatest thing

by man, you haven't seen our next artist, the beautiful, the luscious, the

sensational Jill.

Oh, God.

You ruined everything.

Oh, God, it's back again. What is, for Christ's sake? My damsel.

Thanks to Lucille's treatment, it went the night back.

Treatment? Exactly. We were just getting it right, too.

It's the first time I've heard it called treatment.

Phaedus.

You said you were going out to do the books. It's the first time I've heard it

called books.

Thanks to you, I'm...

Back to where I won again.

Did you call yourself Tony's brother?

I'm sorry, but... Don't worry, love. I'll be back.

I love a challenge.

Listen,

calm down. We've got trouble on our hands. Have you ever heard of Rex

No. He's the protection king around here, and if we don't pay up, we're in

trouble. We've only just got the club back on its feet.

They know that, and they're watching us to see how we make out.

What a little charmer.

Once, you know, Brother Richard, she turned down the offer of marriage from a

-year -old millionaire.

She didn't want to find old age creeping up on her.

Did you get it? Old age. He's 90.

That's my best one.

Never mind.

Have another drink.

Go on, have a brandy. Give him a brandy, love, will you?

Put some more in there.

It's all right, you love her.

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Ah, poor girl.

Doesn't she look tired, eh? Ah, just a minute. Just a minute. I'll be with you

in a minute.

Here. Sweetheart, will you go down in my room and lie down? I'll be with you in

a minute.

You're a sensuous girl, I've ever met. But often I say goodnight to her and I

wind up saying good morning.

But you know, all you randy old men that come in this club, one dirty old fella,

you know what he did? He ripped off her knickers. Ripped off her knickers. I

said, boy, are you worried, darling?

So she said, no, they wouldn't fit him anyway.

He's got a boyfriend, Spiderscore.

Boyfriend, Spiderscore.

And I thought I'd reform and I'd marry her, you see.

And so I said, can I marry you? She said, well, I'll put you on my wedding

You know, as I was coming into the club tonight, do you know what happened? I

saw a most beautiful bird.

A beautiful bird on top of ladders cleaning a window. Fancy that.

They say it's unlucky to walk under a ladder.

I took a chance. Well, cheerio.

Bye -bye.

Thanks for the show.

You've got a nice place here, fellas.

Don't spoil it.

Don't forget, 11 o 'clock tomorrow morning, 39 Moffat Street.

The Gatherer's expecting you. All right?

Sleep carefully.

There's no help.

What are we going to do?

No.

Christ, what's happened?

A ghost.

I saw a ghost. I really did. I did.

Poor child.

So, well, in all, I'm very pleased with your efforts, gentlemen.

Thank you.

The Pageboy Club has come into line, and after the visit you paid to the owner

of the Red Admiral, he's changed his mind completely.

Now, all that needs to be done is to put some pressure onto the owner of the

Blues Club.

I know more, squire.

Come along, brother.

Oh, nice to see you two gentlemen again. The governor's expecting you.

I think they keep those pictures up with heavy breathing.

Just one of our little precautions.

All right.

Won't you go in, please?

Hello, gentlemen. Pleased you could make it.

Scott's all right?

You're fine.

You play this? No.

Thank you.

Well, here's to us.

Here's to you and I, Tony.

You know, gentlemen, you have built up a flourishing little business in next to

no time.

And I'm going to offer you the services of my organisation.

in order that you can keep it open.

I don't know what we're doing here. You know our answer. I wanted to meet you,

that's all.

And to give you a chance to think about it.

But Tony's just told you.

Rash decisions, gentlemen, believe me, lead to a lot of trouble.

I believe we are going to get on very well together.

I tell you what, let's have lunch.

Why not?

I know just the place.

Good food, good entertainment.

All three.

The Blues Club.

How about it?

You're concentrating, darling.

You're thinking of that Nazi man, Roscoe.

Now think of me and try again.

Better.

Now say after me, I love you, Lucille.

I love you, Lucille.

All right, we'd better try again if we're going to cure you.

Wait a minute.

There, do you like that?

And try again.

I love you, Lucille.

You're not going?

Come and get it.

Better unzip your trousers first, hadn't you?

Come

to

mama. I love you. Will you marry me?

Later, love. Later.

Later.

Christmas.

Christmas.

Oh,

I love it.

I'm talking.

Oh, hurry, please.

Oh, hurry, please.

I love you. Let it ring.

Let it ring.

Hello?

Oh. Er, Mr. Roscoe. Yes, it was nice meeting you, too.

Mike's show's getting worse every night.

Another drink, my dear.

Oh, is that so?

Well, my first wife insisted on having another kid. And I said, kids are all

right in their way. As long as they don't get in my way.

So she had a baby girl. Oh, that's good.

Now, this is very funny. You'll never believe this.

But we already had a boy at six years of age. I don't believe it. It's true. And

he came to me one day and he said, Daddy, where did my little sister come

And I had to think very quickly.

I said, she came from Portland.

Do you know what he said?

Oh, no, not another damned immigrant.

Good evening, gentlemen.

It's my financial pleasure to welcome you to the Blues Club.

It really does bring a big lump to my wallet. It really does.

Do you know, only the other day, I went to the doctor and I said, Doctor, I am

actually feeling very ill. I'm pushing away beautiful girls. What shall I do

about it? The doctor said, There's only one thing you can do about it, Mike, and

that is break your arm.

By the way, you haven't seen anything yet, ladies and gentlemen, till you've

seen our birds, and then you've seen everything.

We had some very funny old gentlemen in. I'll tell you that. Old boys come in

here. One was 84, and he married one of our strippers. 84, and they went on

their honeymoon.

She wore him out. He died. He died on her honeymoon.

She was so upset, she went to a spiritualist, and she said, can you

me back to speaking to my husband? So she said, yeah, you come along to the

seance. You'll soon be connected with your husband.

So she goes to the seance. The first thing that happened, she said, are you

there, John?

So he said, yes, darling.

I said, how are you? She said, I'm doing marvellously. I said, what's happening?

She said, well, I get up in the morning, about eight o 'clock, lovely breakfast,

a young lady comes in, she comforts me, I go back to bed, one o 'clock, she

comes back again, gives me some nice lunch, and then what happens then? I

another little sleep, but I'm waiting till eight o 'clock, and at eight calls

dinner, and I'm still waiting even more till after that, because after that, I

have an orgy, and then I go to sleep. It's simply fabulous.

So the wife said, blimey, I didn't know it was like this in heaven.

He said, what are you talking about, heaven?

I'm a rabbit on Wimbledon Common.

Thank you, salad lover.

Bye -bye.

Good night, sir.

Never mind about that tree, brother.

Gone. Who's it? Who's the other one?

Look at

that ball.

And drinks as well.

Damn, brother, damn.

Drink your drink on the body.

I hate you.

Do you know, gentlemen, as women grow older, I think they grow rather like

countries. For example, when they're 20, they're like Africa, hot.

tempestuous and romantic.

When they get about 45, they're rather like Europe, you know, still interesting

but a bit disintegrating. When they get to 80, they're like Iceland.

Everybody knows where it is, but who wants to go there?

Meanwhile, will you please give a big welcome to the one and only Rose Zeta.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Dining out again, Brother Richard?

Don't antagonize Brother Richard, Mr. Carter.

He's still looking for his little rubber ball.

I see. I suppose Mr. Roscoe sent you round for my answer. Well, it's still...

Patience, Mr. Carter.

Patience.

Brother Richard and I just want to watch the show, that's all.

Yeah, but it'll save you. Ha -ha. Ha -ha.

Will it save you?

Ah, hi, sir.

Everything all right? Fine.

First, will Roscoe ring while I'm with you two this afternoon?

Then the boys will ring.

What are we going to do?

Well, for a start, one of us has got to sleep upstairs.

And if there's any trouble, we call the police. Otherwise, we pay up.

I bet Uncle Fred never had this problem when he was in business. No.

He's no problem.

Forget it.

Look at that.

Control yourself. Put it away.

Put it away. Put it away.

I think she's clocked me.

You'll be all right here, brother. Cheers.

Good health.

Oh, that's fine.

I'll be a shadow in a week.

What about

it?

It's all right. Look at that.

Hello, doll.

You're going to see a lot more of us.

He'd like to see a lot more of you.

We'll give her a heartburn.

Here, no serve yet.

Not bad, is it?

Even the crapsaw.

Why don't you make the noise?

Oh, she heard you over there. Look at her. She's looking here.

That's you and me.

Your own little thing.

Well, I know Mr. Roscoe.

Isn't she gorgeous? Did you like her?

By the way, when you go into a room, do all the ladies run away and hide? Well,

you shouldn't go into the ladies.

By the way, listen, listen, listen. I found this sexy magazine the other day

called The Playbirds. And in the personal column, they got an

there, wanted Randy Young Studs for Artificial Insemination Clinic.

So I thought, this is just me. So I went along, it was in the West End. The door

was open for a simply beautiful -looking nurse. And she said... Ooh, she said,

you're just what I want, she said.

She said, come in quick.

I said, what do you want? She said, I want what I want when I want it. I said,

you get what I've got when I've got it.

Anyway, we had this heavenly, marvellous time, and as I was going out, a little

fellow was coming in. She said, into the cubicle, there's a test tube waiting

for you.

I said, yeah, what's the difference between him and me?

Oh, she said, well, she said, you're a private patient. He's National Health.

By the way, shall I tell you something, kids?

Do you know that she's very sexy, this Queen of the Blues? I came into the club

the other day, and she said, ooh, I love that rose in your buttonhole.

Ooh, ooh, I love that rose in your buttonhole.

I said, listen, darling, put your hand in the trouser pocket, you'll feel the

stalk.

She's very kinky, you know, very kinky.

In fact, she's got two boobs grafted on her back. She told me she likes her

vices verter. Will you wait for her, boys? I'll leave you with a little

gentlemen. When roses are red, they're ready for plucking. When a girl is 16,

she's ready for... Here, here.

But Mirabelle said it was there. She saw it. A shimmering light.

Come on, love. There's no such thing as ghosts.

And if there was a ghost watching, Mirabelle, all I can say is a dirty old

If I saw a ghost, he'd scare the puns off me.

So I knew that we could always have anyway.

Well, if it's a pleasure, can't it? I'm not the same.

Don't blame you. Go somewhere else. Have art. We'll travel.

Exactly. It doesn't turn me on.

I wouldn't mind him, really.

I mean, if we had it off together, all I'd get would be a phantom pregnancy.

Oh, I like her. Oh, look at that.

I think this could be all ours.

you'll be a shadow alright

The gold.

It was in the doorway of the office.

I saw it.

You saw the ghost?

Oh, my God.

And now we've got a ghost on our hands. That's all we need.

Are you certain you'll be all right sleeping here on your own tonight?

Well, go away till you see her. I won't be on my own. I won't be any trouble

tonight. It's too soon. I don't like it, Mike.

I like it here.

You will. You'll be like a restaurant, I promise you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for, your special

entertainment, the one and the only Queen of the Blues!

Such a pity.

You've got a nice place here. Enough for everybody.

You won't starve.

You'll be looked after.

No, that's it.

No, no, no, Tony. I've been around too long. That's why I'm still around.

I'd rather have 75 % of something than 100 % of Roger All.

Listen, tell Mr. Roscoe we're sorry.

You will be. I've seen it all happen before.

I've known people who beg to give away 50%, 75%. No.

Come along, brother Richard. Come along.

Your rubber ball's not ready to come and play yet.

Jesus, we've done it now.

Listen, Tony, up to now, something's always turned up to get yours too out of

trouble. Don't worry. Tomorrow I'll ring round early and get some help from my

friends.

You'd better have your key back, darling.

Hold on to it. I've got another.

This isn't the last time you're going to need it. This time I'm talking about

the key.

I hope I don't keep you waiting long downstairs.

No.

We've got to get our priorities right, you know.

We shouldn't be doing this tonight.

How come?

If you'll pardon the expression.

Well, I mean, if Mr. Roscoe arrives, a fine position we're going to be in,

aren't we? Well, that all depends on whether they're early or late.

And don't worry, Mike, they're not going to bother you tonight.

They're going to let you sweat a bit.

Let me bother you.

Don't worry, Mike.

Phone around.

Get some help. I'm going to.

Mike. Yeah?

I've never had it over a death before.

Well, you're going to now.

Tony Newton's out, naturally. He's in. When Mike Carter rings, he's out.

Odd. That's the third time they've given you the brush off.

They don't want to know?

Hmm.

Just as if they do.

I wonder who could have, you know.

Sammy Marks, please.

It's Mike Carter.

Thanks. Much obliged.

You'd save yourself a lot of money if you didn't make any more calls.

It's you and I against Mr.

Roscoe. The world.

Good evening.

Fellas, you didn't ring me last night.

There was no point.

Tony, Mike, come in out of the cold. I'm trying to help you.

Mr Roscoe's a reasonable man.

He's given you another chance to change your mind.

Listen, I'm notifying the police. If anything happens to me, to Tony or to

club, it's Roscoe who's behind it.

Dear, oh dear.

Good luck, chaps.

Good luck.

You'll need it.

Long time.

Oh, Alfredo, two scotches, please. Not for me, Mike. I've got one, two things

feed you up to dinner.

Lucille? No, not this time. Listen, I'll have a drink with you in a moment,

okay? I'll only be about 15 minutes.

I'm going to call the police immediately.

Oh, scotch, sir. Tell those men we don't want their future customers.

Some people are never satisfied.

Right.

Hey!

No! Get out of the way!

Sorry, Mr. Carter, there's no reply from the office.

It's funny. He said he would be down in 15 minutes, and that's half an hour ago.

Anyway, thanks for trying.

I wouldn't advise that, Mr. Carter.

Come in, Mr. Carter. What kept you?

You rotten bastards!

Well, how?

How did they get in? They were waiting for me.

Let me explain, Mr. Carter. One of your young ladies was upset at not being

Queen of the Blues.

In fact, one might say she was vindictive about it. She was most

with us. She gave us her key.

Simple when you think about it.

Christ, Mirabelle, the bitch.

But I told her she'd get her turn.

Rexy.

Thanks, maniac. I hope we're not too late.

It's a great pity, and I deplore it, but it's necessary, Mr Carter.

You've been a naughty boy, and like all naughty boys, you've got to be taught a

lesson. Brother Richard.

Your services are required again.

Hold it, Ricky!

Hold it!

These gentlemen are friends of mine. We were only acting under your orders, Mr

Roscoe. Well, you've got some new orders now, haven't you? Uncle Fred, what the

hell? I'm sorry, boys. I didn't know this was going to happen.

Oh, Tony, that bruise looks painful.

Yes, you're right. But what are you doing here?

Well, luckily for you two boys, I arrived back from the south of France

morning.

Well, that French widow, was she a piece.

And I thought I'd pay my first visit to the blues club, so I rang up Rexy here

and asked him to join me. Rexy?

That's right, we're old mates.

Fred set me up in the protection racket when he retired.

Well, that's where I got all my money from.

Well, are we going down to see the Queen?

Sure, she and the other birds are still here, but they've seen a ghost and they

want to leave.

Oh, no, no, Rexy, not that old ghost trick.

Yeah, it's wonderful what you can do with a skeleton and a bit of flesh

Come on, are you? This girl's good.

Go ahead. I'll be down later. I want to speak to Tony.

Leave it. It's all over.

Not for me it isn't. Out. Out you go.

Brother Richard.

I can't do this.

There's no need for this, Mike.

Forget it.

Nobody's going to put my brother around.

Now then, out.

Thank you.

You know, I'm worried about Jeremy.

He wouldn't have thought he could miss that.

Now will you marry me?

Later, love, later.

Now can we do that again, please?