Original subtitles

Welcome to the Mary Millington World Striptease Extravaganza.

Mary Millington, who died tragically a few years ago, made a profound

as a stripper.

The fact her films are so successful all over the world, even now, shows our

need for legends and our bizarre talent for creating.

I'd like you to have a look at a clip of Mary's last movie, The Queen of the

Blues.

That was the great stripper, Mary Millington.

But now for the action.

Our girls, you know, they like to keep abreast of the times.

Have you ever heard of the expression, see nipples and die?

You're going to see something even better tonight.

The world striptease extravaganza. And may I welcome our host for this evening,

Mr. Bernie Winter.

Oh, well,

thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Good evening and hello.

Now, first of all, I've got to explain one or two things to you all, you see.

Now, this is the Striptease World Championship, as we all know. And the

prize is a thousand pounds, a film contract, and a holiday in lovely

And, um, isn't that nice?

He's just come back, haven't you?

Because he's all brown, isn't he?

Anyway, we have a panel of judges that they're just sobering up in the corner

over there.

We have some wonderful girls. We have 16 beautiful girls.

They are nice. They really are. Really beautiful. I mean, they come from all

over the world. And they come on here and Mr.

Hare and his band here in the corner here.

We have a very famous drummer. He was with the Small Faces, actually.

He was a pimple.

They squeezed him out.

But these girls come on. I mean, I was at rehearsals today and they come on and

they wear these little bits and suspenders and things like that. And the

plays and they dance all over the place and they shake and they take everything

off.

It's all sexy in there, and it's nice, I suppose, if you like that sort of

thing. I do, I do, I like that sort of thing.

Do you know what a sex maniac has for breakfast?

Well, I'll tell you. This morning I had eggs and bacon.

And it's such a nice place, it's this club, I mean, where we're doing this

It's right in the heart of London, it's really beautiful.

In fact, they've sunk a lot of money into this place.

We're all going digging for it later.

And I'll tell you, when this place first opened, because for those of you who've

never been here before, I'll explain. The fellow who owns it, he told me, he

said, we're not selling enough beer here.

And it's very hot. You can see I'm getting hot now. It's very hot in here.

you'd think they'd sell a lot of beer. He said, no, we sell no beer.

He said, in fact, we're thinking of turning this place into a brothel.

So I said, well, if you can't sell beer, you won't sell broth.

You know what I mean? It's ridiculous.

It's stupid.

And what else? It's nice if you ever come to London. Come in here to Burley.

It's a nice club, nice club. And they've got these topless waitresses. And I've

never seen anything like that before in my life.

Because I'm only a clean living boy. What do I know about things like that?

She's got a big dog. That's all I know about.

And I sat down here and had a meal. And a waitress came over. And she looked

like she'd have a steak. And she came over with a steak, put it down. And she

had nothing on up here at all.

And she had a bottle of tomato sauce in one hand and some mustard in the other.

She said, what would you like?

I said, dip one in each.

Anyway, I suppose you're all waiting to see these lovely girls. And we won't

miss about now. We'll get two of them on right away. Now, we have Cathy that

comes from southern England and Maxine that comes from Botswana. Now, Maxine,

you'll recognise the two because one's darker than the other one, I suppose.

That's Maxine. Hope you enjoy them. Let's say hello to our lovely lady.

Now from Australia, Chantal, and from Hong Kong, Julie.

New Zealand... I tried.

Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah.

From New Zealand, Katrina.

And from Turkey, Vicky.

Right, that was terrific, girls. Really good. Go and wreck them in all the bits

here. We could pick them all up, please.

Could you go and get that filled for me, please?

Thank you. That was really good.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, thank you. A little chapati

there.

Well, now then.

It's so good, this stripping like.

Basically, I've never seen anything like this in my life.

As a matter of fact, when I first started in show business, I saw an

our local paper called The Stage, you see, and it said they wanted a male

stripper and to do photographs, and it was to pose in the nude wearing nothing

but a fig leaf.

So I went along there, and I went in, and I went on the stage, and the man

yes. I said, I'll come along to pose.

He said, well, get your gear off.

I said, well, he said, just take everything off.

So I had to take all my clothes off and everything, you know. I just stood there

and he said, now, what is this? I said, well, you wanted me to pose in the nude

wearing nothing but a fig leaf.

And he looked at me, he said, well, he said, you'd have got by with a tea leaf.

We have some wonderful artists coming out now, two beautiful girls.

We have Vicky from Sweden and Gloria from Spain.

I nearly became Jewish twice.

You'll have to do something with that air, I'll tell you that.

In fact, a poor man should have walked through there any minute.

Well, isn't it good? It's so hot here down the stairs, but all the girls...

see, in my dressing room, it's next door to their dressing room, and there's a

great big hole in the wall.

You can see right through it and everything.

I said to the manager, I said, what about this hole? He said, well, fill it

I said, well, if they want to look, let them look.

Anyway, it's time to meet two more beautiful girls.

One young lady comes all the way from the USA, upstairs in the attic.

Didn't mean that. She comes from the United States of America.

It's the lovely Samantha.

And from my own little London town, the very beautiful, the very lovely Angela.

It's an unbelievable competition, isn't it? Well, now we're going to have Joy

from Wales and Rita from France!

Good fun. Good fun is what I like.

Now it's time to meet the lovely Christina from Holland and from Greece,

Well, now we come to a ginormous thing in this particular program today.

We're going to have two lots of girls coming on at the same time. Four of them

are going to dance for you. It's terribly exciting, isn't it? Could the

come out here, please, right now?

Ladies, give them a round of applause.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I love you, ladies.

Oh, isn't this nice?

Nice, nice, nice.

Now, this is Carol from New Zealand. Smile.

Hello. This is Marie from Sweden.

This is Sherry. I drink your stuff all the time.

From South Africa.

Hello. Hello. Now, look, there's only three of you. You see that there should

have been four, shouldn't there?

Could we have a volunteer from the audience to come out here and dance with

beautiful ladies? Oh, here we are. Come this way, madam.

There we are.

And you're from?

Chester. Christine from Chester. Christine from Chester. Well, you've

prepared, haven't you?

Oh, more than prepared.

Do you think you'll be able to handle all this?

Handle it? I can toss it around a bit for you.

Well, what can I say? There's no answer for that.

Play the music. Good luck, ladies. Thank you.

You can't do this here, because, I mean, these are... It's all... I mean, you've

got bits that they haven't got. It's not fair. You come with me. Oh, that's

sexy. Come along. This way, please.

Well, well, well.

Enjoyed yourselves?

Yes. Right, now we're coming to the semi -finals. Now, I'm going to call out the

girls' names, and they're all coming on. We've got Cathy, Chantel, Julie,

Katrina, and they'll be here any minute now, fellas. They'll all be coming.

Girls, let's have you out, please.

We'll start again. We've got Cathy, Chantel, Julie, Katrina, Angie, Joy,

Carol, and Cherry.

Now, these are the semi -finalists, you see.

And I'm going to have a word with one or two of them and see what it's all

about.

The one with the green fungus on the end. Could I have a word with you,

Pardon?

It's my boa.

Your boa?

What is it? Why is it called a boa?

Well, I'm not really sure, but that's what it said on the label.

Really? Well, it doesn't matter what you do. You're just lovely, and I hope you

win. Congratulations.

Thank you. See you in a minute. Thank you. Back to your position, please.

Don't move about like that. A little applause.

Hello, your name?

Shireen. Shireen.

Come a bit nearer to me, because I've got a small camera here.

Have you got any hobbies?

No, I like a lot of playing tennis.

You like a lot of playing tennis and swimming?

Yes, yes, yes.

If you decide to drown those two puppies, I'll have the one with the pink

Thank you, congratulations.

Would you come forward, please?

Hello.

Isn't this hot?

Your name?

Katrina. Katrina.

Have you got any hobbies, Katrina?

I like playing squash.

Really? You wouldn't have thought so.

Can't squash those, really, can you?

My word, you'll never drown, will you?

Squash. Are you good at squash?

Yes, quite fast.

Good, really. Well, we must have a game one day. Right.

I'm sure all the people out there would like to have a game as well.

Dear little devils.

Thank you and good luck.

Hello.

And your name? I'm Joy.

Yes, so I'm told.

I've got some hobbies.

Pardon? I've got some lovely hobbies.

Yes, I'm sure. I mean, do you walk about like this most of the time? No, this is

my bedtime outfit.

Really? Yes.

Yes, well, it's nice, isn't it? It is nice.

And usually, I like your legs. They go right up to, you know...

Yes. Well, have a nice day with us, and thank you

for coming, and I love you.

Thank you very much.

Yes, hello.

And your name?

Chantal.

Chantal. That's a very unusual name. Is it? Yes, where's it from? From France.

From France. Oh.

Say to me, was that French?

The Dubonnet bit was. No, say to me, was that French?

Yes, it was French.

You're supposed to be a straight man, but how can you be a straight man with

lumps like that? You can't be, will you?

So have I asked you about hobbies?

Travelling around the world.

Yes, yes. Where are you from?

I'm from Australia.

Australia? Yes. Not from Bristol?

No. Well, good luck for today.

Thank you. You're so lovely. Thank you for coming. Good night. Have a good

night. And the next one.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm well, thank you. Yes, and your first name?

Carol. Carol.

Yes, you're a very, very striking lady. Don't you think so, fellas?

Yes. Yes, do you act at all? No, not at all.

I think you'd like to act.

Well, just put your arms round me at the top there.

Come a bit closer.

If she gets any closer, I'll be behind her.

You say to me, this is what your dialogue is, because we're making this

go along, you know.

You say to me, Bernie.

Bernie. I put the man into Manchester.

Really? Well, you say that, that's what you say.

I put the man into Manchester. And then you say, I put the live.

into Liverpool.

I put the live into Liverpool.

Now you ask me where I'm from. Where are you from?

Cockfosters.

I wish you luck. Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry about the board. It's just melted.

Would you come in here, please?

Sorry, yes, it's my notes.

Prescription, really.

Come in.

Your name?

Angie.

Angie's getting terribly warm here, Angie.

You can see right through that. I mean... What can you see?

Well, I can see your vest and everything, you know.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Where are you from?

I'm from Islington.

Islington? Oh, Islington, you've got me!

Oh, that's good. So am I. Yes, you like jelly deals?

Yes, I can see you must like a couple of jelly deals now and again.

You don't like jelly deals? No, I don't like them. They're too slimy.

Yes, well, kind of.

When you've been in show business a few years, you'll find a lot worse than

jelly deer.

And any hobbies?

Riding my bicycle.

Oh, yes.

Yes, well, good luck to you, and I hope you have a wonderful season with us, and

I hope you win, and I hope they all win. You're all lovely.

A round of applause for our lovely ladies.

And the last one, please.

Don't you think you've forgotten something?

No, no.

I always talk about like this. Do you really?

Yes, but I mean, you can get arrested for what?

Well, you see, I live in Brighton by the sea.

And so I'm very often on the nudist beach there.

Well, we must all go down to Brighton. I think we'll pack the cinema up and

we'll all go round to your place.

This is, I mean, I don't know where to put my hands or anything.

Well, have you got any hobbies?

Yes, I like water sports.

You don't ski like that, do you?

No, no.

No, no. I wear a bikini bottom.

Oh, yes.

You see, I've broken out in a very hot sweat now.

Oh, don't do that. Please.

Please. Well, my wife will never believe this.

I'm just doing it for the art, you know. It's just for the art.

Well,

congratulations, and I hope you win. It's been very nice to meet you.

Don't go out in the street. You'll get pneumonia, but just wonderful.

Thank you.

As you can see, it's really happening live here now.

And I've got to go and lay down. In the meantime, these nine beautiful semi

-finalists are going to dance and strip for you right now. And I'm going to come

and sit down there with you lucky fellas and ladies to enjoy it. So, on with the

show!

Fuck, I've got to win this bloody prize.

I think I deserve it after that fantastic blowjob I gave him last night.

I even got my friend to screw him and she fucked him good and proper.

Well, here I am. They couldn't keep me out of the film.

They've asked me to come out here and announce the winners.

Third, we have the lovely Joy.

Second was Chantel.

And our winner, the one and only, the very beautiful... I'll have to have

another look.

Of course, it is our own lovely Taffy.