Original subtitles

It's important to me to make everyone look good,

but I never forget that my main job

is to make everyone's head fit in a helmet.

Hey, Norman. What you got there?

Notice for our Army physical examinations.

Barbers are up in six weeks.

I have to get another physical?!

But didn't I just get one?

Uh, four years ago.

You counting on another miracle?

(wheezing)

This, this thing...

(wheezing)

Making me run.

(sighs)

Hmm. Well, soldier, looks like you...

passed?

Oh, this isn't right.

Frank, you bonehead, you forgot to reset.

Well, what do we do?

Congratulations, soldier!

You passed!

I got lucky once, maybe it'll happen again.

You really need luck?

Okay, you can rub my head.

Bill, you've got six weeks to pass that physical.

That's plenty of time to get into shape.

Really?

Yeah, man, but talk‐talkin' 'bout ol' physician

before starting a dang ol' exercise program, man.

Talkin' 'bout dang ol' tick, tick, tick, boom, man.

DOCTOR: Yes, you need to start eating right.

But what you really need is exercise.

Have you considered joining a gym?

A gym?

But I can't work out in public,

in front of all those healthy people.

I'm too fat.

You're too fat to go to a gym?

Poor Bill.

Too fat to work out, not fat enough to live in bed.

Well, you can always work out at home.

A ton of people have tried that and are now selling

their equipment on our community bulletin board.

Hey, that's Principal Moss's address.

This is some nice equipment, Carl.

Wait. "Property of Tom Landry Middle School"?

Football team got all new equipment.

I thought, as principal, it was my duty to sell it.

For the children.

So, Bill, what do you think?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't want to lose my job‐‐

that's where I go every day‐‐

but this is all so pricey.

The children will take less.

Well, how about we all go in on it together?

Then everyone can use it.

We'll set it up in your garage;

it'll be like our own neighborhood gym.

So you guys will get me in shape?

No, Bill.

We'll be there to help you get started,

but the simple fact is, only you can get you into shape.

Yeah, while I'm at it,

why don't I fly to the moon and marry a mermaid?

You can do this, Bill.

You used to be a high school athlete.

All you need is focus, a little hard work and self‐discipline.

I can throw in an overhead projector.

This is the perfect place for a gym.

It's close, it's quiet, and it already smelled.

Yeah, it's so much better than my gym.

Do you know how many skeevie old men's cell phone cameras

go off when I get on that inner thigh machine?

I'm kind of tired of my gym.

The machines are great,

but it's nothing but gay sex all the time.

This should come with a cape!

Come on, Bill, you're up.

Maybe I could lift weights later.

When everyone is gone.

This is not the place for you

to finally start feeling embarrassed.

Yeah, it's a safe environment, sug.

Peggy tooted on the hack squat machine and nobody said a word.

(straining)

I did it!

(all cheering) All right.

Yay! Good for you.

I can get in shape!

I can pass my physical.

I can fly to the moon and marry a mermaid!

To the moon!

(panting)

"Pec Nectar.

Insane fuel for hard‐core mass and road map vascularity."

Hmm.

(screams)

Oh! Sorry.

I thought you were a bear.

You lookin' to get jacked, brother?

I'm here to get some vitamins.

Vitamins?

You lookin' to fight the sniffles or max your pump?!

I don't know‐‐ I just want to get healthy.

Right on, bro.

Have you ever seen anything more healthy than this?

I can't be that healthy.

You can't‐ed your way into that body, hombre.

Lucky for you, I can help.

Well, I would definitely love the help,

but Hank says I have to do this myself.

Hank?

I hate to see a guy like you, with real desire,

being led astray by a workout zero like this chump Hank!

Can your Hank do this?

Wow, Hank doesn't even have those.

Exactly.

You know how I got 'em?

Spinach?

From a well‐crafted total fitness regimen.

Tell me, brother, where do you work out?

I just have a little gym at home.

Friend, this is your lucky day.

The Dirkster is taking over your training.

No, but I could never afford you.

I mean, you're huge.

I am.

That's why the local gyms won't let me train.

They're jealous of my pump.

So this is what we're gonna do.

I'll train you for free, and you let me use your home gym.

So it's not all up to me?

Well, that sounds great!

It's beyond great. I can get you stacked,

jacked and juiced, but I need 100% commitment!

I need you to pledge allegiance to the nation of pump!

I need you to vow to get in the best shape of your life!

You in, brother?

I'm in!

Brother!

Yep.

Yup.

Mm‐hmm.

Dirk says this rapid‐ release protein supplement

will really max my pump.

Question: who is Dirk,

what is a rapid‐release protein supplement,

where is your pump and why does Dirk want to max it?

Well, Dirk is a personal trainer.

He's gonna create a workout system for me

to ensure total fitness.

What?

Well, that's what

professional personal trainers do.

They don't just send you out on your own and hope for the best.

You know, like you did, Hank.

DALE: Damn it, Hank,

sooner or later, your sunny optimism

is going to get us all killed.

Ah, so nice.

Who thought Bill's house could function as

something other than a shrine to crushing misery?

(knock at door)

Ooh! My trainer's here!

Hey, Bill, this is Gorilla and Coach.

Let's blast some delts!

Gorilla in the house!

(rock music playing)

All right, tea party's over!

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Don't worry, just adding a little resistance

to shred your bis.

(gasps)

Hey there, sweets,

let me help you.

See, your elbows aren't tight,

so you're missing out

on a sick rip!

(screaming)

His arm's having a heart attack!

I'll tell you why I don't lift weights.

'Cause every time I start to lift, I wait.

(both laughing)

Quiet down, Bobby.

Sorry, Dirk. You were talking about my delts.

(Gorilla straining)

Big up, Gorilla!

Represent!

(grunts)

Hey, Hank!

Bill, these are your trainers? They're huge!

I know! You can tell them that if you want to. It's not rude.

Uh, that's okay.

Uh, so, those pants sure are, uh, tiny.

You want to put on some, uh... more pants

and come on out for some light cardio?

Cardio!

(giggles)

Sorry, Hank, no time.

I'm moving on to biceps.

DIRK: Yeah!

Time to feed the pythons!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

DIRK & GORILLA: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

ALL FOUR: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

(grunting)

Hmm. I don't like

being around those scary weight‐lifter guys.

They talk in yelling.

Yeah, and they look like

they're filled with bowling balls.

They are freaks, Hank.

I swear I saw a live chicken go in that gym

that did not come out.

Look, I'm not gonna tell you I enjoyed what I saw,

but the truth is, they've got Bill working out,

and that's what's important.

We'll just have to work around them.

♪ Body, body ♪

♪ Wanna feel my body? ♪

♪ Wanna feel my body, baby? ♪

♪ Body, such a thrill my body ♪

♪ Such a thrill my body, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Body, wanna touch my body? ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout my body, well ♪

(groaning)

♪ Every man wants to be a macho, macho man ♪

♪ To have the kind of body always in demand ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! ♪

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ Macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho, macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho Ow! ♪

♪ Macho, macho man, yeah ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

(buzzing)

Hey!

Problem?

Uh... no, sir!

You know the military physical

is mostly running on a treadmill, right?

Run?

These guns run from nothing.

Ew!

Your bulk is so fierce.

Almost as swole as mine.

Damn, it's too bad

nobody else is here to see this sweet rip.

Dude, I'm right here,

and I think you're lookin' yolked.

I know, but I'm talking about small people.

(Bill and Dirk straining)

(straining)

(loud grunting)

Huh.

We need to make some rules.

Hey, Bill, uh, you got a second?

(grunting)

(others grunting along)

Uh, Bill?

(grunting)

What's on your mind?

Uh, the thing is,

the atmosphere has changed around here,

and people aren't really comfortable

using the gym anymore.

There's nothing comfortable about getting shredded, Hank.

What you're not

comfortable with is hard work and pain.

That's 'cause all you people are lazy.

Now, hold on.

Prove me wrong, Little Man.

Why don't you hit the bench?

I'm not getting on the got‐dang bench, Bill.

Quit being a jackass.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you smurfs start your own gym across the way?

These look about your size.

(laughter)

You're a jerk, Bill.

Just forget it.

You can keep your weights.

Don't take it personal.

He's just jealous of your juicy rip.

(laughing)

They're just weak.

They want this body!

Want this power!

Want this pump!

I'll show 'em who's a jerk!

(grunting)

(loud, angry grunting)

Ow!

(weak groan)

(airy gasp)

Ugh! Oh!

COACH: All right, Diesel!

You need a spot?

I... I need a... a doctor.

I pushed it... too hard.

This is great.

You've reached the threshold!

It's the moment when your entire body

is screaming at you to stop, and you think

there's a realistic chance you might die.

I know it's a good workout

when blood vessels in the back of my eyeballs pop!

No agony, no braggony.

Am I right?

Uh‐uh.

Diesel's lost focus.

Guys, we're gonna have to move in here and keep him true.

(Bill gasps)

(weakly): No more. No more!

You're gonna want to sleep, but don't worry.

I won't let that happen.

Yeah, but...

but I...

(airy whimpering)

ALL: Push! Push! Push!

You look like you need a protein fix.

"Look at me eating eggs."

Show‐off.

(groaning)

All right!

Good stack and rack, guys!

Wait, please.

Can I get a hand?

Nope, but if you can get up by yourself,

you can sleep in your own bed

and use your own toilet.

We'll leave the thrash metal on for motivation.

(loud, pounding, thrashing metal playing)

Help!

Help!

(screaming): Help!

(whimpers)

(whimpering)

DIRK: George Washington, no mass.

Thomas Jefferson, no mass.

Freakin' Ben Franklin, nomass.

That's why they won't let Arnold be president.

They're jealous!

It ain't right!

ALL: War!

GORILLA: Yeah!

Three! Yeah, yeah!

Here comes Jack!

Yeah!

(music blaring)

(mumbling)

(phone ringing)

(music blaring on other end)

Uh, hello?

BILL: Hank! Hank!

Ugh! It's 3:00 in the morning. Bill?

It's me! It's me Bill!

Ugh! Did you call just to let me know you're working out?

Well, okay, I get it!

No!

(whimpers)

How much longer till bedtime?

14 minutes.

Righteous.

(loud music playing)

(grunting)

(sighs)

(door opening)

All right, Diesel, working the abs!

(turns music on) But today's a pec day.

Hank, today is Bill's Army physical;

Bobby, it's chicken and dumplings for school lunch;

and I have a pap smear.

I hate chicken and dumplings.

I'll trade you, Mom.

Dang it.

I bet Bill forgot his physical was today.

You gonna remind him, Dad?

No, I'm not, Bobby.

Mr. Dauterive is no longer a friend,

he's just a pumped up, annoying neighbor.

I'm a little grossed out by him, too, Dad,

but he was human once.

Well, I guess I should remind him.

If he loses his job, he'll have to sell his weights,

and then he'll come over here

and crush our appliances for exercise.

(straining) Can't do it.

Damn it, Diesel, we haven't gotten

a good rep out of you in two days!

We were soft on him.

We let him down.

Oh, God.

Bill, did you forget you have your physical today?

Bill hasn't passed our physical yet.

And that's the only one that matters, right, Diesel?

(groans)

Right on! Yeah, you heard him!

Are you okay, Bill?

Sure he's okay.

He's in the zone!

So I tell Minh,

I trade this six‐pack for this six‐pack.

(laughing)

She threw me out.

Guys.

And Kahn.

Hello.

I'm worried about Bill.

You should be.

You probably fall somewhere between

a drumstick and a ham sandwich to him these days.

He's hurt bad, and I think those meatheads

are holding him captive.

I know, Boomhauer,

but what I just saw was a glimpse of,

well, Bill.

I mean, the real Bill, with all his fear and anguish

and self‐loathing, and he looked hurt.

We need to get him to a doctor.

Push! Push! Push!

Rock and roll!

(straining)

Uh, hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.

Uh, here's the thing: We all admire your pump

so much,

we want you to help swell our thick and such.

Right on, brothers.

I knew you'd come around.

Let's work on those traps.

Actually, uh, maybe he should help with my traps.

His are way bigger than yours.

It's true. Yeah, man, tell you what, man.

Coach?!

Please.

His traps are like speed bumps.

I've got a bus parked on either side of my neck.

Speed bumps?!

(both straining)

Check it.

KAHN: Actually, this one have

best physique of all you guys.

Whoa, yeah!

Dig it!

We're gonna get you out of here, Bill.

Okay, let's lift him up.

Man, dang ol', maybe we do need to lift

some got dang ol' weights, man, pump our thick, man.

So what's the situation, Doctor?

Is he gonna be okay?

Well, it's incredible.

It's unlike anything I've ever seen.

What are we looking at here?

I don't quite know how to put this.

I mean, we don't even have a term for it,

but your rectum ruptured,

and, well, your internal systems

became... external.

Oh, my God.

I know, it's amazing!

The pain must have been unbearable!

Oh, sorry.

I can't work out for six months.

My muscles will be gone by then.

Well, you looked better without them.

And, hey, at least your physical was postponed until you recover.

Yeah.

Well, look at it this way.

You've got a new goal: dropping that extra weight.

Let's start with a really killer walk to the mailbox.

How's that?

You feel the burn?

No.

Perfect.

GORILLA: No agony, no braggony!