Original subtitles

The Wizard Of Oz

This programme contains strong language

FILM CUTS OUT

- GROANS

- Ah...

- Hey! - Ah, excuse me - that's my favourite film.

- Why?

You've not changed my mind.

That is the single most depressing film ever made.

- No!

- I thought you didn't like sad endings, Noa.

- It's a happy ending, OK? It's the happiest of endings.

- Oh, love a happy ending!

- Like, Dorothy's done. You do realise that, don't you?

She's ruined.

She had a taste of something, guys.

And then BOOM.

- OK, she's had a change in perspective, OK?

They realise they never lacked anything. - No, no, no, no, no...

No, no. If she'd had a change of perspective, Noa,

the colour would've come back with her.

- The colour's been inside of her. It's always been inside of her.

- Where is it again, Noa?

- Was it inside of her, Noa?

THEY LAUGH

Judy, guys.

- No, it's not Judy, OK? It's Dorothy.

OK? She's happy. There's no place like home!

- She doesn't even know what home is.

- She does. It's Kansas. It's Auntie Em.

It's the guys at the farm because they're the Scarecrow

and the Tin Man and the Lion. - Yes, obviously they are, you divvy,

but they're also not.

You know, like, she's going to miss the fantasy versions

of them forever.

She's going to miss people even when they're sat right in front of her.

Oh, guys, she had purpose in Oz!

She was a leader!

I mean, what even is life now?

- Great tunes, though. - Mm-hm.

- Yeah, and she was drugged while she was singing them.

- Oh, my God.

- A drugged child for our entertainment!

This film is a nightmare.

- OK, erm...

Game time.

- Yeah, game time.

No phones in Film Club, Katie!

- Right, game on. We've got this. - No pressure!

- So...

FRANTIC MUSIC

- Oh, shit.

Babe? - Yeah?

- How long have you been up?

- Only a couple of hours.

- Oh, this is...

Wow.

Really. Wow.

- God, no, it's not finished yet.

- Is it not?

Oh...

I've got to take this.

Hey, Noa. How's Bristol? - OK.

- So...what do you think of Malc's new wheels?

- Smart.

- What is it this week?

- Wizard Of Oz.

Big yellow road right up the garden.

I said it should be garage only, but Mum said to respect her an artist.

- Doesn't your mum ever take a break?

- Breaks aren't really her thing.

- You know, like a bit of release.

- Release isn't her thing either.

I reckon she could do with a night off, though.

- Well, obviously the suit, Noa.

- For a meet and greet? They said smart casual.

- Yeah. Smart casual for lawyers, which is a suit.

Andrew Beckett and Joe Miller - suits.

Atticus Finch - suit.

- Er, Erin Brockovich.

- Yeah. She's the exception, not the rule.

- I don't know if you're right about this one, Eves.

- Of course I'm right, Noa.

It's implicit.

What else you going to wear - jeans and trainers?

You're not some tech guy who designed an app and lives

in the Californian desert in a house that's powered by the sun.

- What?

- You're a barrister in Bristol.

- I'm the Barrister of Bristol.

- The Barrister of Bristol and his brilliant blunder.

- I cannot substantiate those claims.

I can neither confirm nor deny the reports.

- Any comment on the outcome? - How did you win the case?

What, like it's hard?

I'm going to go suit no tie.

- No, don't be so aloof!

- How is that aloof?

- Well, how are they going to know you care if you don't show 'em?

You've got to meet, you've got to greet.

- I can care without a tie on.

- Aloof.

- I care too much, Eves. That's my problem.

Eves?

- Yeah?

- Is it weird that I feel...homesick?

- Wow.

- Evie?

- You just chose the wrong hotel, Noa.

You'll be back in your own bed tonight.

Ooh, it's going to be so fun.

Dom, your phantom flatmate, is coming.

- Listen, don't start without me, OK?

- Joshy!

- Oh. Yeah, coming!

- I've got it on!

- No, you'll have plenty of time.

- Have you ever done a Cacao ritual? - Ca... What? Say that again.

- Cacao chocolate.

- Oh, like just chocolate? - Shit...

- Tea's getting cold, babe.

- Oh. Yum.

Thanks, Mum.

- Well, that's doing her no favours.

- Nah, she needs a chunky belt.

- Do you think? - Mm.

- What do you think, babe?

- Yeah, chunky belt, chunky belt.

- You are so right. She needs a chunky belt.

That's what my outfit for tonight's missing.

- Tonight, Suzo?

- Mumma is hitting the tiles tonight.

- Oh... - You know Steph with the lovely smile and the dog that...

You see her in the corner shop sometimes. - Oh, yeah, mm-hm.

- Well, she just text me. Do I fancy a girl's night out?

But she must get lonely.

She's got no kids. - Mm.

- Nothing that a chin wag and a 'seccy won't sort.

- Go on, Suzo, paint it red.

Evie, it's Flo.

I know you're, er, housebound or whatever,

but there's another parcel here for you,

so can you come collect it, please?

It's, er... - Right. - ..taking up a lot of space.

Thanks.

- WIND HOWLS

- I like a short sleeve... - I just need to chunk me outfit up.

- Always chunk it up, Suz.

- SHE LAUGHS

Iz, can you do me a favour?

- Jesus, Eves! Can you knock?

- I got something delivered to my flat by mistake again.

- What is it?

- A self-assembly rainbow.

- Fuck's sake! - For the Wizard Of Oz.

- Does that mean you'll be ranting all night about the mistreatment

of Julie Garland again?

- Judy!

And it's tragic, Isobel.

- Yeah, I know it's tragic, Eves. I just can't hear it again.

- I mean, she was on the floor, run ragged.

And no-one noticed.

- So why did you choose the film?

- I need the rainbow.

Mum's belt shopping.

She's out tonight, thank God.

I can't have a repeat of speech-gate.

- Surely Noa's used to it by now.

- It's not just Noa coming.

The whole gang's back together.

- I thought you'd want it to just be the two of you.

- Why?

It's heavy.

- Him leaving?

- No, the rainbow.

WHISK SCRAPES BOWL

- Right, which one should I...?

- Yeah, chunky belt. Chunky belt.

- Fucking hell.

I've already made your snacks, babe, they're in the fridge.

- Just got to do this one thing for Noa.

- OK, well, I guess I can let the kitchen rule slide.

I want you to feel at home, babe.

Not like you'll be here forever, but while you are...

- This is home, Mumma.

- You must miss your little flat.

- No, not really.

- Really?

If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again,

I won't look any further than my own back yard.

The way they treated her, Mum. I mean, she wasn't...

- Let's not do that.

I admire your passion, babe, but...

- WHISK SCRAPES

- Uh, bu-bu-bu...

Gently.

- INDISTINCT CHATTER

- Glad to have you joining us, Noa.

Heard great things.

- Yeah?

Yeah - me, too.

- Ah... - Me, too.

As in, uh, thanks.

I really... OK.

- That's a squash man's arm if I've ever seen one.

- Eh?

- Well, you play, don't you, mate?

- Yeah. - Nice. - Yeah, I...

..dabble. - Yeah, I knew it.

Shall we say, uh, Friday morns?

Shake off thirsty Thursday?

- Su... Yeah, sure.

- Perfect. Good man. I'm holding you to that, Noa.

Nice suit, by the way. - Thanks.

- Noa Ameen?

- I know, yeah, I know. - Do you?

Do you? Do you No-a A-meen?

- Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yep.

- Yeah...

- Uh, what's your name?

- That's a squash man's arm if ever I've seen one.

- Yeah, it is, yeah.

No, I play county.

- I mean, why the fuck is this necessary?

- Ours is not to reason why, Iz.

- These next few weeks are going to be intense.

She'll want to go out with a bang. - Out with a bang?

- Her weird mate's leaving.

- Yeah, but anyone can watch films, can't they?

- Nah, they started it together - they'll end it together.

- Yeah, your mum's right, that does sound a bit culty.

Oh, right, thinking, battle plan...

..kill her with kindness.

- You know, it's really starting to feel like home now, so...

- Right.

- Thank you so much for your patience, Flo.

You're an absolute leg end, mate.

- The landlord said it would technically just be easier

to evict her. - She's coming back.

- OK... When? - I don't know. But she will.

- He let her sublet as a favour, because she...

You know... - What?

- Had a...you know...

- A what?

- SHE IMITATES EXPLOSION

- Wow.

Well, you should be thankful that you found the one landlord

that cares about human life, shouldn't you?

- Oh... No, he believes in ghosts.

He just doesn't want her haunting him if she...

..you know...

- You're a bit of a dick, aren't you, Flo?

- Yeah.

Experiences of being in a cult vary...

- I'm not bloody watching it, Isobel.

- What?

- Oh, come here, baby girl.

- You look gorgeous.

- Yeah, but I don't have to go out if I don't want to, do I?

- You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Mumma.

- I've got a bit of a dicky tummy.

- Sure you're not just a bit nervy?

- Oh, I might be a bit nervy.

- Yeah, a bit butterflies? - Bit butterflies, yeah.

Yeah, I... I'd be less nervous if I was going on a bleeding date.

- Well, you are, in a way.

A friend date.

- A friend date...

Yeah, only that's worse, cos you can't bloody snog them

when it gets awkward.

- Don't bloody end up snogging her, Mum.

- Well, you lot can be whosits and whatsits and notsits.

Oh, sod it.

- Oh...

Oh, hello, Christy Turlington.

- Piss off!

Christy Turlington!

- You do!

- Hi, Tia. - Hi.

- Nice and quiet out here, isn't it?

- Well, it was.

- Sorry. Uh...

Yeah, I can leave you alone, if...? - No, it's OK.

I just can't do all the big groups and the small talk.

Do you want one?

- No, I'm good, thanks.

Actually, yeah, go on.

- A lawyer with zero conviction.

That's...interesting.

- Yeah, I know, it's...

It's a problem.

I was dreading it, to begin with.

But now that I'm here, I think... it's all going to be OK.

- Really?

My boss told me about some case in Bolton, your forensic analysis?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like... Elle Woods.

- Who?

- She's... It's...

Look, I really should be getting the next train.

- Already?

- Yeah. Why? Is that aloof?

- Yeah, it is a little bit aloof.

But I rate it.

- Yeah, well, it's... It's sort of, uh, an obligation, so...

- Formal.

- Yeah...

Well, it was nice to...

- PHONE PINGS

- Shit.

- Right, you two, behave yourselves.

- Oh...!

Wow. Drop dead, Suz.

Now, did you go for the chunky belt?

- Does a badger shit in the woods?

- Are you sure it's a FANCY thing, Mum?

- But this isn't fancy, babe.

- I think she likes gardening, you could talk to her about that.

- I know how to make a conversation, Isobel.

- Yeah, the face of Christy Turlington,

the chat of Terry Wogan, this one.

Terry Wogan...

Don't forget your snacks.

Ah...

Ee...

Ooh...

- SUZ HUMS TUNELESSLY

- Oh, uh...

It's, uh... It's all quite hearty, isn't it? Rustic.

- I mean, we can... We can go somewhere else, if you like.

- No. God, no. No, I love it.

I'll have your driest... driest Prosecco.

A sweet Prosecco knocks me sick. Does it you, Steph?

- Well, I'll just have whatever you're having, Suz. - Oh.

We'll have a bottle and two thin glasses.

Do you have thin glasses?

- I think so.

- I mean, I know it's not that fancy here, but, uh...

..bit of a laugh?

- SUZ LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

- Oh, God. - I'm a karaoke fiend.

- He needs to sort that out.

It's quite hot.

- Not really my type, but each to their own.

- No, no. God, I meant...

- No, I know what you meant.

- THEY LAUGH

- I mean, to be fair, I haven't seen anyone's bum but my own

for quite a while, so maybe I am getting a bit flustered.

- Well, I'm sure every fella round town would show you their bum, Suz.

- Steph!

- Oh, no, no, no.

I can't talk right now.

You know I can't. I'll call you back later, all right?

Thank you. Love you. Bye.

Oh...

Evie, this is so cute!

- Kam, you look amazing.

- I can't believe I'm here before Noa.

Also, Samantha's going to know there's hardly any alcohol in this.

- Yeah, well, we can't have her going all Elizabeth Taylor again.

- Why not? She devours.

- Of course she devours, Kam, but it's not healthy.

DOOR OPENS

- Oh, darling, you've gone.

- Sammy!

- Oh, look at you.

Is it scurvy?

This fucking house...

The gooch of Greater Manchester.

Can't believe Noa takes this trek every Friday.

- Hi!

How did you get here?

- Train, tram, bus. It was fucking endless.

- Oh, in the future, Kam can give you a lift.

- Oh, can he?

- The future, darling?

There isn't one. Noa's fucking off.

Packing his knapsack and heading west.

Is it west? - I think the main thing is that it's far.

- Well, if film club's over, why have we got a new member coming?

- Ahem.

Well, this is terrific.

- Phantom flatmate.

- Dominic, you look amazing.

Thank you so much for making the effort.

- And thank you for your, uh, quite comprehensive email on the rules.

- You've printed it?

- Well, the rules make it fun. So, you'll be familiar...

..no phones in film club.

- I'm so sorry. I...I am a doctor, I do kind of NEED my phone.

- OK. Kam?

- Eves, I don't think I can, either.

Nephews.

- The nephews, the nephews, yeah. Sammy?

- No can do, darling. - Why?

- Because I don't want to.

- Come on, guys.

We're glued to them. It's an epidemic.

I'm offering you the chance to escape here. Why don't you take it?

- No.

- Oh, fine.

Game time! - Ooh!

- And where the fuck is the boy?

- Yeah, he's never usually late.

- Yeah, I'll...

The snow used in the film was actually asbestos - true or false?

Evie, it's me.

Erm, the trains are cancelled, there's some incident on the line...

Fuck.

- INDISTINCT CHATTER

OK.

- That's the last time anything was this late, it was my period,

and I had to have an abortion.

- He'll be here.

- Dominic...

..have we necked?

- I don't... I don't believe so.

- I'm pretty sure we've necked.

- Samantha, you've literally never met.

- So why do I feel like we've necked?

- Maybe you've necked in a past life.

- Can everyone stop saying neck?

- Remember when we all used to neck? Those were the days.

- Evie, did...did you and Noa ever, erm...?

- Neck?

- God, no.

- Incest!

- KNOCK AT DOOR

Oop. Here he is! - Finally.

- You all right, everyone?

Do you... Do you mind if I join in?

Seems like you're a man down.

- I don't remember a horse in this.

- PASSENGERS LAUGH

All right, cyberman!

- OK, yeah, erm...

Sorry, has anyone got a phone charger?

Plug it into your chest.

- OK.

Uh... "Let's keep going."

- Thelma & Louise.

Phone charger? No-one's got a phone charger?

- Uh...

"Baby fish mouth, baby fish mouth."

- When Harry Met Sally.

- Get in.

- Phone charger? No? OK.

- "Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes."

- Bend It Like Beckham.

- Yes!

What the fuck, Dominic? - I mean, I surprised myself there.

- Wow. Great work. 15!

- Any news on Noa?

- OK...baby.

We are very far behind now, but come on!

- Yeah, we got it this time, pooch. - Yep. - I've got it.

- Okey dokey.

- Go!

- "This is important to me!"

- Broadcast News!

- Oh... Wrong team, Samantha.

- Oh, whatever.

- Great.

"Run...mm-mm... Run!"

- Yeah? Yeah, go on, keep going.

- "Run...mm-mm... Run!"

- "Run!" Erm...

Erm... Run...

Run? Run Rabbit Run?

No? Uh, Chicken Run?

Chicken Run. - Tom Hanks!

- Tom Hanks? Oh, Top Gun. Top Gun.

- Tom HANKS!

- Tom... Oh, fuck, yeah, Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks...

Oh, fucking hell, Tom Hanks... - OK. No way in hell.

OK. Oh, right, OK.

Film about a big shark.

- Shark Night!

No? Shark... Shark...

Oh, Sharkboy And Lavagirl!

No? Shark Night 3D?

What you...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what you doing?

- What's this? - Are you OK? - What's that?

- Your... What...? Your face?

Your face...

Face...face...

Face...Off! Face/Off!

- Are you doing this on purpose?

Unbelievably famous film about a shark!

- Oh! Time's up!

- Ah...

Ah, well.

Just a game, innit?

How about a sweet treat?

Does anyone want some heart cake?

Who doesn't love a red velly?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, look at that.

There we go.

- I'm just relieved to say it.

I don't bloody like 'em.

I can't stand the... the dog breath.

Does that make me some kind of evil witch?

- You do get used to it, Suz.

- No, count me out.

- You see, I never wanted kids.

Animals only. - Oh, you see, I do find that weird.

- Yeah, I'm just too selfish, but, you know, I accept that.

- No! Don't do yourself down, babe.

I'm sure you don't jump for joy at the idea of picking up

Malcolm's shite, but you do it cos you love him.

- That is true!

I mean you had your kids early, didn't you?

I mean, I just, you know,

I hated the idea of my life not being my own.

- No! It's the opposite.

Oh, they give you life, Steph.

They ARE life.

- You see?

I am the evil witch.

Hey, I bet your Izzie was always asking for a pet.

- My Izzie? - Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, she's got a natural talent there.

- Oh, I didn't know you two...

- Oh, I see her out with the dogs. - Oh, right, well...

Yeah, well, she had lots of love and adoration from me to make up for it.

- Yeah. Yeah, of course she did. - Plenty, plenty.

- Thick.

Oh, you've got a nice smile, haven't you, Steph?

- Aw! Well, that's kind.

- You know, come to think of it, she did have a hamster at one point,

but her dad...

Well, there was a disaster, so I didn't like to see her like that.

- Hmm.

What, did he forget to lock the hutch?

- I don't want to talk about it, actually.

- Yeah, no, of course.

- I heard him and his mates downstairs at 4:00 in the morning.

And I knew. I thought, they're going to open that bleeding cage

and do something daft.

But, you know, you couldn't approach him when he was in a certain...

..frame of mind.

But our Izzie never knew.

No. Evie made up a story, you know, to protect her,

and wrote to her as the hamster for years.

Like, "Dear Izzie, I miss you lots, but the cabbages here are lovely."

- Aw! - Oh, bless her cottons.

- Oh, you three ladies have really stuck together, haven't you,

through the tough times?

Oh, bless you gorgeous girlies.

- So, how are your...plants, then, Steph?

- Oh, erm...

It's actually been a bit quite a tricky...

- Sorry. How do you know about all of that?

- All of what?

- The "tough times".

- Well, your Izzie, she comes past mine, doesn't she?

- Oh, I didn't know that you...

- She walks Malc and, you know, we have the occasional chat.

- That you were...

- Yeah, but she said you didn't have it easy, did you?

- Well, no. But I wasn't throwing the father of my children out the door

singing "celebrate good times, come on". - No, of course not.

- Just, when you find out you're living with an animal...

Anyway...

Enough of that.

- THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

- So...

What song are you going to sing us tonight, then, mate?

- It really is sweltering in here.

- I mean, you're a bit of a Barbra Streisand, aren't you?

- Oh, you REALLY know a lot about me, don't you, Steph?

- Well, no. It's just that... - Yeah, Isobel, Malcolm.

Yep, yep, yep.

It's a shame this was the only table.

I feel like I'm in a bleeding fishbowl.

- You all right, Suz? - Yeah.

You know, actually, that's fuckin' awful.

Oh, shit! - Bloody hell, Suz. Are you all right?

- Oh, bloody hell. Jesus...

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm...

Yeah, just going to... Yeah.

- MOVIE PLAYS

DOOR OPENS

- Phew. - Phew.

- How was it, mate?

- Sh! Silly boy.

- My apologies.

- NOA MOUTHS

- Asking me all these personal questions.

I mean, what does she want from me, blood and guts?

- Oh, I'm sorry, Suzo. - Fucking invasive is what she is.

- Well, I think our kid just wanted to give you, like, a simple

nice time, you know?

- You what?

Our Isobel set this up?

- Uh...

Well... Well, yeah...

I think that she just thought that, like, you'd get on.

- I'm not care in the community.

- Well....

No, I don't think...

- What the fuck are you wearing, Josh?

- Oh, don't ask.

Don't ask.

- PHONE BUZZES

- Oh!

- Ooh, we're getting you home, babe, is what we're doing.

- Was this always yellow, this path?

- Yes, my love, it was always yellow. - Oh.

- Let's get you home.

- BICYCLE SQUEAKS

DOOR OPENS

- Oh! Good night?

- Really good.

You?

- Yeah, really good.

- SUZ INHALES DEEPLY

- Oh...

I wish I could have you back as babies sometimes...

..just for one day.