Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

COUGHING

COUGHING

SHE COUGHS

FIRE ALARM BLARES

- Bloody hell.

Evie? - Sorry, Mum! It's off.

I'm good, I'm fine.

- So could she use that against him in court?

- Yeah, it's a bit of a Kramer vs. Kramer situation, actually.

- I'm not familiar with that case.

- PHONE BUZZES

- Oh. Erm...

Yeah, I am going to have to get this.

Sorry. Hello.

You are my lucky star.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

- Er, how can I help?

- What I want, Mr Ameen, is justice for my family.

You do serve justice, don't you?

- Um, sorry. Two minutes, Carla. - Yeah.

- Evie, I can't really talk right now.

- So, yes, just the one large order of justice, then, please.

- One large order of justice coming right up.

How did the tests go?

- That smoke machine is a hazard.

- Yeah, I got it second-hand.

Listen, can you make sure to air out the garage?

My glands are still swollen

and there's definitely a wheeze in my chest.

- You're not going to die. - What if I am?

- You're not! - What if I am?

- OK, so I realised...

You know we watched Alien twice in halls?

- "Don't touch it! Don't touch it!"

Well, Cam talked the whole time we watched it, and you were

spiralling because there wasn't enough tinfoil to cover the flat.

Consider this a redo.

- So this is three times? Can we watch something three times?

- Certainty is underrated.

Sometimes it's nice to know what's going to happen.

And anyway we watched Groundhog Day three times, so...

- Is that true or are you being a bit clever?

- Carla bought me a red pepper and halloumi focaccia today.

- Hello, can I tuck into a red pepper and halloumi focaccia, please?

- And she keeps asking me for pens.

- I told you!

- I don't know if you're right about this one, Eves.

I mean, we work together all day, every day,

the only thing she asks me about is the law.

And pens. - I'm definitely right.

- You thought Katie was my twin flame

and then she dumps me the day my grandma dies. That was fun.

Or maybe... Maybe it's me, maybe I'm just numb

to all romantic endeavours.

Oh, look at that. She's smiling at me! - Aw!

It's sweet. - It's... Yeah.

- It's "yeah"?

- Do you have a tampon? - Jesus, Iz, can you knock?

Bye, Noa! - "Don't touch it!"

- Tampon. Desperate. - Yeah.

- Jesus Christ, it's massive.

- It's a normal tampon.

- That won't go in.

- It's a normal tampon.

- All right, giant flaps.

- OK. Fine, Izzie.

I've got massive, wizened 28-year-old flaps.

- Girls, Jesus Christ! There's a man in the house.

They're your privates, not your publics, all right?

- PEOPLE CHATTER OUTSIDE

PEOPLE CHATTER

MUSIC PLAYS

- Hey, my little mucker! - Woo!

- Come here.

- Uh? - You're so sexy. - No. Stop it, you two!

- This tampon's giving me a migraine.

- Oh, it's Friday disco, baby.

You've got to get into the groove with it.

- Oh, that's an innate sense of rhythm, that. That's innate.

- Get it from my mama.

- Oh, babes. Oh, you're full of beans today! - Mm-hm.

Can I take this tenner?

- Have what you want, baby.

Uh, what's it for? - Just going to the shop.

- Come on, Isobel.

She might do it this time.

- SHARP WHISTLE

Oi!

- Yes, Miss Havisham. What do you want this time?

- I need tinfoil. - Oh, right, you are, Miss Havisham.

- Yep.

- Come on.

- No. You still owe me my change from last week.

- Well, I told you it was interest.

Come on.

Whay! You've got gullible written on yer fod, love!

Come on, Zig.

- Sorry.

- Fucking hell.

- Go!

- I've just heard about the Bristol job, Noa.

Congratulations! - Thank you.

Yeah. Really good.

Really great news.

- How come you didn't mention anything earlier?

- Er, I guess I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed, a bit...

A bit anxious.

Telling people, you know.

- Oh. - Yeah. - Who? They'll be dead happy for you.

- Ah, my friend later. - Well, bring him to the pub!

- Um, she can't.

We can't. It's... It's our thing.

- Oh.

Go on, then, what is that? It can't actually just be a film club?

You know, we've all got our theories

and I want mine to be right.

- Oh, no, it is actually just a film club.

Yeah, when you say it out loud, it sounds less fun

than it actually is. It's really fun. It's really fun.

- That is fun. You and your friend, watching films and having fun.

Alone? - Sometimes others join.

But not so much any more.

- Kinky, Noa.

- She has got a boyfriend.

If that's what you're...insinuating.

No, it's a ritual, like we haven't missed one in eight years. So...

- Maybe Simon was right. - What does Simon think?

- Nothing, no. Carry on, so there's, erm, rituals?

- We... Yeah. We dress up as the characters.

We play games. We...

..do quizzes. - You dress up as the characters?

Oh!

Oh, that is actually it, isn't it? - Yeah.

- That's the thing that you're desperate to get to on a Friday.

- Not desperate, Carla.

We just really love films.

- Babe? - Mm.

- You know that fella at Number 68?

He's ordered discrete packaging again.

I just have to know what's inside.

- Baby, whatever's in your imagination is

so much more interesting than the reality,

I promise you.

- God, you're so wise.

I love you.

Oh, I was thinking I might just hang about tonight

and help Suz around the house while you do your thing.

- Of course, baby.

- Cos then I can stay over tonight and we can smooch.

- Absolutely. - Cos I tell you,

this mechanic thing you've got going on is...

- It's Ripley, baby. - Mm.

- Oh, here he is.

The man of the hour.

The unknowable prince.

Never acknowledges the snacks,

not so much as a, "Thank you for having me."

You see what happens every Friday, hmm?

She gets like this. And we want her like this.

But he winds her up.

She's up and down like a bride's nightie.

What the hell do they get up to in there?

It feels culty, don't you think, babe?

- Stop watching that documentary.

- What the hell do they get up to, Isobel?

- They're not in a cult, Mum, they're just losers.

- Never fucking comes in to say hello.

- Phew. - Phew.

Wow.

- You missed a spot. - Yeah. I'm fully aware.

- This, however, is excellente. J'adore.

We'll move in pairs,

and we'll cut off every bulk and every vent

until we have this thing cornered

and then we'll blow it the fuck out into space.

Does that sound acceptable to you?

- Hmm.

The accent wasn't perfect.

- Fucking hell. You do demand excellence, don't you?

You try saying "cornered". It's hard.

Cornered.

- Ugh. - Just saying. It's not quite your Buffalo Bill, is it?

It puts the lotion in the basket.

- That's the ticket. Right.

Salty. - Mm-hm.

- Sweet. - Mm-hm.

- Sweet and salty. - Mm-hm.

- Hmm, toffee. - Urgh.

- Just a hunch.

- Did you go past the picture house? - Yeah.

- And? - You're right, they started with Carrie.

- Why doesn't he read my emails?

You don't start a Sissy Spacek season with Carrie.

You end it with Carrie.

Yes. - The sixth time you've said that.

- Why are you keeping count?

I don't count all the times you ask me if you're dying.

- Hey! - Sorry.

OK, game time.

What was the original running time for the movie?

- 3 hours, 12 minutes. - Mm-hm.

The blue flashing lights, which band did they borrow those from?

- The Who. - Uh-huh.

And what material was used to make the tendons of the alien?

- Polyurethane?

- No. Shredded condoms.

- Huh...

Speaking of which, Katie's pregnant.

- What?! - Yep, Tom's put a bun in the oven.

- You threw that in there late!

How do you feel? - I feel nothing about it.

- Come on. - Nothing...

Eves, we broke up three years ago.

- She's a year younger than me.

- Yep.

- Hmm.

So they're having it out of wedlock? - Out of wedlock?

What, are you from the 1800s?

- Would I do the speech at your wedding,

to Carla, Queen of Stationary?

- I'm not getting married to Carla, Queen of Stationary.

- Why not? You should consider her.

It's what you love! She tongs her hair at 6am,

carries around a clipboard, has five pens on her desk.

- OK, she does not carry around a clipboard.

- Budgets. Doesn't like you too much. - Crucial.

- Yeah, none of that pesky love and care.

- No, no, nice hair, only free on Sundays. - Mm-hm.

No higher than number five on her to do-list.

- Ooh. Not like our Joshy.

- So would I do the speech? - You'd be best man.

- Best lady. - You're not a lady.

- What am I, then?

- Just...

Just feel that.

- Yeah. - It's glands. - You're fine. - Protuberant. - You're fine.

- Uh-huh? OK.

Eves, I have something to tell you.

- Go on, then.

- Can't. I'm getting all nervous now.

- What? Jesus, now I'm nervous.

- No, don't you be nervous. I'm the one saying it.

- Saying what?

Oh, wait!

Look, even if you'd killed someone,

I know you would have done it for good reason.

- Evie, I haven't killed anyone.

- You'll be Louise, I'll be Thelma.

Let's keep going.

I'm moving.

- What? - I'm moving away.

- When? - Four weeks.

- Four weeks.

- Yeah.

Bristol. Got a job.

A new one. A good one.

- Family law?

Well done.

- Yeah, it's what I've always wanted.

- I know. - It's what I've been aiming for. - I know.

- I'd be remiss to turn it down.

- Remiss?

- Sorry, I get formal when I'm... - You're nervous, yeah.

I'm so happy for you.

- Yeah.

So I should take it, then?

- Of course you should.

You'd be remiss.

- Phew.

- SHE GASPS

- Kamran!

# We could've been anything that we wanted to be

- # Bum, bum, bum! #

- Oh, come here.

Oh, I'm glad you could make it this time.

How are you getting on with your big grown-up life?

- Yeah, good. Me and Matt bought... - Do you remember when you used to

come round here when you were little, make up them dance routines?

Only our Evie wasn't very good at it, but we won't tell her that.

- No. Sh. She could never get the rhythm in her body like me,

do you know what I mean? - Shirley Ballas level, you, even at ten.

Oh, I don't know why you didn't pursue that.

But I suppose running a charity is honourable.

- Yeah. Yeah. People need me. People need me.

- Hey. Why have you brought your own?

I remembered to do vegan this time.

- Oh, no, no, no. They're... They're nappies.

We've got Matt's nephew staying.

We're trying it out. - Oh!

I wish you were my uncle.

- Guncle. - Guncle!

I think I'd be a much happier person if you were my uncle.

- OK.

I'm going to...

- # Bum-bum-bum-bum! #

- What's this? - It's a fig.

- Why? - Cos Mum says it kind of looks like the alien when you open it up.

- Argh!

- Noa, how far is...?

- Oh!

This son of a bitch is huge!

It's like a man. It's big!

- Hello, mate.

- Oh, my God, Noa, your chest is harrowing.

- Yeah. Nice to see you, too.

- Deeply unsettling, actually. - Yeah.

Hey, where's your costume?

No, no, I'm sorry. You can't just wear a T-shirt

with the name of the film on it.

- All right, Captain Von Trapp. Come on.

I've got Matt's nephews staying and they're absolutely feral.

So I really don't have long.

- Well, why come if you need to rush off?

- Calm down, Empress. I'm here, aren't I?

- Yeah.

Er, he has a job.

- I know. - No, a new one.

In Bristol.

He's moving soon.

- Oh.

Oh, that's why you both have funeral face.

- No, it's actually a really great job. I'm happy.

- Yeah. Everyone's happy. Really happy.

- Yeah. Great. Good.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So, what, is he goin' back daan saaf, yeah?

- Yeah, he is, actually, yeah. He's goin' back daan saaf!

- All right, mate, yeah. - Actually it's Southwest, but...

- I think you'll find looking at a compass it is, in actuality,

the Southwest of the country.

All right, me lover!

- All right, my lover. - I'm a lover, not a fighter.

- I'm a lawyer, not a fighter. - I'm a lawyer, not a lover.

- What?

- I don't know, that's weird.

I need the lavatory.

- Er, Evie,

help me pick some colours for the kitchen.

- Mm-hm. - Here's a plethora to choose from.

We're going for earthy.

- Earthy, yeah. - Mm-hm.

- Ah! He deigns to enter the house!

- Oh...

- I'm joking.

- You look nice, Suzanne.

- Oh. No, I think that's a bit...

- No, I just meant... - ..inappropriate. - ..nice.

- You know, you can call me Suz. Are you all right?

You look a bit... - Mm-hm.

- Are you hungry? Do you have low blood sugar?

- No, it was a weird day. I got offered a job. I, er...

I accepted a job. - Oh. Well, get you, Mister...

Mr Man. - In Bristol.

It's in Bristol, yeah. - Have you told Evie?

- Of course. - Right.

- Just got to use the facilities. - Uh-huh.

Fuckin' hell.

- What? - Man of mystery.

He is fucking off. - Where? - He's got some snazzy job somewhere.

Of course he has.

He can't go now. Not when she's...

She needs this thing.

- What happened to bride's nightie?

I thought you said he wound her up. - Yes.

Well, I'd rather her up and down than just down, for God's sake.

Have you forgotten what happened on her birthday?

- What, when she... - Yes, Isobel. We don't have to go over it.

- Maybe change is good? Maybe everything happens for a reason?

- Yeah, keep talking.

- When life gives you lemons...

Live, laugh, love...

I don't know... All that shite you love.

- I think you're spot-on, babe.

I'm going to get me fancy glasses.

- Whatever you're thinking of doing, don't.

- We can't have her feeling...

- When I went in to say hi to Suz, she sang Bugsy Malone at me again.

Honest question. Did I peak at ten? Don't answer that.

My life's great.

I've got a boyfriend who's obsessed with me.

But then I guess, we've both got that.

Yeah. Evie? - Mm?

- Cork green or mouse grey?

- Cork green.

- Really?

- Right, you lot!

Out here now!

Come on. Grab yourselves a glass of fizz.

- What's going on, Mum? - Oh!

Josh, do you want something more manly? Like a little beerski?

- No, no, no, Suz. Secco will do me fine.

- OK. - What is the occasion? - Oh, here he is!

The man of the hour!

- Man of the what? - So, Noa,

look, I know we haven't always connected...

- Mum, what's going on?

- Well, it's not that we haven't connected, it's just...

Well, you're a man of few words, aren't you?

You know, hard to read.

- Actually he's... - Sorry, one second, Evie.

Look, I know I'm not an official member of the club,

but, well, believe it or not, there is no snack fairy, you know,

they don't just magically appear.

So that's my way of saying,

you know, I get it, guys.

And so this is a toast

and a congratulations.

- Oh, congratulations, Noa! To the end of an era! - Yeah, cheers.

- Evie.

- Er, we're going to whack this film on, Mum. Kam's got nephews. - I...

Actually, come... I'm just... - OK.

- I'm just trying to say something. So...

Well, I've been thinking a lot about...life. - What?

- What? What is it? Is it actually sad?

Or is it just what it is?

Is it just bloody well what it is, guys?

Everything happens for a reason.

Que sera, sera!

- Sorry, what is going on?

- Noa's got a job in Bristol, babe.

- Oh!

Well done, mate!

- Yeah, to Noa!

- God, don't you do yourself down, Kamran.

- I wasn't, Suz. - You are incredible.

Blew me away as Bugsy.

- When's it happening, Noa? - God, Isobel!

Look, things change

and change is good.

It doesn't have to be sad or...

Or scary. It doesn't have to be.

It's just part of God's plan. - God?

- Yes, Isobel, or the universe. Fuck's sake!

- Yeah, I mean, you're right, Suz.

- Yes, thank you, Josh. Jesus.

Everyone's on the right path.

- God's path?

- No-one's on the wrong track.

- Mum, this film's quite long, so... - Nobody.

Josh, go and get me that poem on the fridge.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - Yes! - This is important, Evie.

It's important.

Cos she's got a good job waiting for her in town when she...

..wants to go back to it.

She's got a great future ahead of her, too.

First class degree, first class in English Literature

from the University of Manchester, which was inevitable,

given that she was capable of this

when she was eight.

"That's me, the one you see

"floating in the air.

"It's cold and I'm scared.

"I have nits in my hair.

"I'm the one you see floating there.

"So, next time you're on your comfy sofa, watching TV,

"think of me.

"Next time you have a hot chocolate or tea,

"think of me.

"The one you see..."

- Lost up in the air. Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to go for a wee.

- "Lost up in the air."

- Come on.

BELL TINKLES

BRAKES SQUEAK

- What is wrong with you, love?

- DOOR OPENS

Kam? - Oh, so sorry, so sorry.

One of the nephews bit the other one

and honestly I'm absolutely famished.

I love you so much, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Happy film club.

See you later, Noa.

- Told me hit, not bit.

- DOOR CLOSES

This is the first time we've encountered

a species like this.

- This is the first time we've ever encountered

a species like THIS.

Look at that thing.

Don't touch it, don't touch it!

I will, by the way.

- Will what?

- Next time I'm on a comfy sofa, watching TV...

..I will think of you.

- Even without a hot chocolate or a tea?

- No, but really.

At least she's tried twice today.

Maybe that speech did something.

- Maybe, you know, actually talking to her about it would help?

- Yeah, I am helping. You're help... We're all helping.

I'm reading the books. I'm listening to the podcasts.

- She came home six months ago and hasn't left since.

It's getting a bit... - Barbra Streisand didn't leave

her house for years and she's Babby.

You want to read My Name Is Barbra. Educate yourself.

- That cult was the only thing she had going on.

Like, I wonder what's going to happen now?

- Well, it can't get any worse, can it?

She's 28 years old, she can't get past the bleeding bin.

- What about Babby? - Yes, Babby. But now you've freaked me out!

Oh, it can't get any worse, can it, Isobel?

- It's not that far.

- It's not that far.

- 191 miles.