All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S05E02.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL eng

It's always on me to upgrade
this dusty-ass school.

So I hooked up our old
speaker system to Bluetooth,

and now I can make announcements
from my phone from anywhere.

In fact, I'll make
one right now.

Attention...

I have an important update
regarding our school.

My teeth are getting whiter.

Ooh, I should tell him about

the bin Laden documentary
I just watched.

-LeBron James. LeBron James.
-6-7

-LeBron James. LeBron James.
-6-7

What is happening?

LeBron James. LeBron
James.

The kids are hopping
on your Bluetooth.

You didn't password-protect it?

Thanks for your
hindsight, Melissa.

Welcome to the
"Keepin' It Trashy" podcast.

Topic one, they're selling
your trash to Malaysia.

That's what I sound
like? Oh, my God.

♪ Ay ♪

♪ When I dance they
call me Macarena ♪

♪ And the boys they say que
estoy buena ♪ I love this song.

♪ They all want me,
they can't have me ♪

♪ So they all come
and dance beside me ♪

I'll just get it
password-protected,

and I'll shut this off.

Hold on, now. Yeah,
no, it's okay.

It's a vibe.

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría,
Macarena ♪ Here we go.

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa'
darle alegría y cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo
alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

♪ Ay ♪

Alright, Jacob.

Look at me, bringing joy
to this school once again.

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo
alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

♪ Ay ♪

Please send the first
student in when he gets here.

Hello.

It is such a blessing

to have our new counselor
here. to help the children,

and she's doing an
outstanding job.

She's also quite tall.

My name is Illena Alomar.

I'm the new counselor here.

Abbott is the newest
school in my rotation,

so now I'm responsible for
the well-being of 20 schools,

which means I need
to get out of here.

Thanks.

Such a wonderful addition
to Abbott. She really is.

And I have to thank myself
for bringing her here.

Mostly because I
haven't been thanked.

By anyone.

For anything.

Ever.

She's whatever.

She's always so professional

with how everything
needs to be done.

I don't need any more rules.

And what rules do
you follow now?

Well, first of all, I follow
the rule of threes. Mm-hmm.

Second of all, I'm here
most days, aren't I?

I got
a rule for y'all.

You need to wait two
hours between washes

before you run that dishwasher
in the lounge, or else.

Or else what, Mr. Johnson?

Or else you'll be washing
your dishes in brown water.

And not the good kind.

The good kind?

Uh, why do bad water
got to be brown, Jacob?

Yeah, Jacob, why?

Good morning.

Ah, welcome, Nick.

Come on in.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Don't be rude.

Say good morning to Neen.

Good morning, Neen.

Aww, good morning.

He can't call me Neen, though.

Oh. Yeah.

That's my bad, big dog.

I'll, uh, make sure he
says Miss Neen next time.

Yes, Tariq's girlfriend's son,
Nick, is in my class this year.

Truth is, Tariq's been
surprisingly involved.

He's killing it as
head of the PTA.

Very invested in Nick.

They said it couldn't be done.

I was they.

You know, Tariq, I have
got to hand it to you.

You have taken on a lot
of responsibilities,

so proud of you.

Yeah. It's pretty,
uh... Hey, hey.

Greg. Hey.

What's up, bud? Ah.

Hey. What's up?

Hey, uh, I just
wanted to let you know

you don't got to worry
about nothing going on

with me and old girl
right here, okay?

It would be inappropriate
to date a coworker, so...

Oh, mm, you don't work here.

You famously don't
work anywhere.

Did I miss the
show?

This Janine-Tariq-Gregory
love triangle

about to get messy.

I'm going back to my classroom.

Yeah, I'mma head on.

What are you doing here?

Being entertained, I hope.

I put Tariq's kid in
your class for the drama.

I have the only
second-grade class,

and there isn't
gonna be any drama.

There better be.

Now that I'm in this
monogamous relationship,

I'm bored as hell.

Alright, son,
have a good day.

And remember...

Forgot what I was gonna say.

I'mma just freestyle.

♪ Nick, that's my son ♪

♪ Y'all know that
he the one ♪ Hey.

♪ You better not say "two" ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, who is you? ♪

♪ I'm dressed in all designer ♪

♪ I ain't show up in no suit ♪

♪ I'm smoking on exotic ♪

♪ You smell like somebody pooted
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry. Uh, my bad.

I'm... I'mma just go.

You miss it, don't you?

Ms. Schemmenti?

Yeah?

Can I go to the
bathroom?

Oh.

Of course you can.

Jacob and Morton
tried to scare me

that teaching middle school
was gonna be a nightmare,

but here's the thing.

You just got to meet the
older kids where they're at.

And one of the ways I do that

is I let them have
one curse word a day,

and they love it.

Okay, so I got some good
news and some bad news.

Good news is, all yo use
aced your assessment test.

Yep.

Hold up. What's the bad news?

The bad news is,

we were gonna go
over the answers,

but now...

you get 10 minutes to
play on your phone.

I hope that's chill.

Oh yeah!

You know, Jacob,
I don't know why

you have such a hard
time with the older kids.

You know, you just got to
treat them with respect.

So you can suck it.

I'm happy for you.

Yeah, well, eat it, because
not only do they love me,

but they also aced the
test I just gave them.

Really? That's impressive.

You got some of my less-focused
goofballs in that class.

Yeah, you can sit on it,
Gregory, because some of us...

and by some, I mean me...

know what we're
doing around here,

so kiss my grits.

Uh, Barbara? Barb?

Why... Why are you doing that?

Doing what?

Well, you just
ran the dishwasher

with three cups, two spoons,

and nary a plate to be found.

It's a huge waste of water.

And you know we can't
start it for two hours.

Jacob I have been
waiting for it to fill up

so my mug will be clean,

and I have pushed
it as late as I can.

Well, if you just
want a particular mug,

can't you use the
sponge in the sink?

Excuse me?

That mug is the mug
that Gerald gave me

in honor of being a
soon-to-be Glamma,

and this manicure
is a work of art,

not a cleaning tool.

Did you see that?

Whatever happened to community?

Shared spaces can be tricky.

That is a great point.

Uh, may I?

I think it is time
Barbara learned the power

of a publicly
posted Post-it note.

There we go.

Thank you for reminding me
of the power of the pen.

I didn't say anything.

You heard me not
say anything, right?

So glad Ms. Schemmenti's
teaching math this year.

I wish I could steal
the answer sheets

for all my classes.

If you started getting
straight "A's,"

we'd definitely get caught.

Yo, keep it down.
Mr. Eddie's right over there.

He can't hear nothing
with that big-ass hat on.

Cam Newton-looking ass.

Your students are cheating,

and they had unkind words
for my gardening hat.

What are you talking about?
The hat with the wide brim.

The one that Janine got me.

They hate it, and
it was hurtful.

I feel like it frames my... Okay,
about the kids cheating on the test,

you gagootz.

How would that even happen?

Oh, they found the answer key,

took a photo, and sent
it to the whole class.

No, I left the answer
key in my desk.

They...

I got to lock my drawers now?

What is this, my
family staying with me?

Yeah, you don't really
have to think about

that kind of thing
with the littles.

Yeah, you just leave
answer keys out,

wear a stupid hat, and
no one says nothing.

Okay, no one said it was stupid.

This will not stand.

Okay. Yeah.

What are you... What
are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm gonna get
them. Don't you worry.

Well, based on everything
I know about you,

I'm actually very worried.

You the new janitor?

No.

Work hard, play
your cards right,

maybe someday.

Mr. Johnson.

"To all, only run
when full. Jacob."

Well, who's this for?

Could be Melissa.

Uh, probably Janine.

It's for you, lady. You...

You know, that Jacob is
becoming aggressively

more passive with every year.

I mean, this is
ridiculous, right?

Uh, I don't know.

I mean, everyone should
advocate for themselves.

Exactly.

And I will advocate
as clear as day

so there is no miscommunication.

You don't
know me, Ms. Alomar.

Unh-unh. I had a
down year last year,

but this year, I am
feeling mighty spicy.

Wait, wait, wait. Time out.

They got you back here
in the nosebleeds?

That's my seat.

Unacceptable, dude. We
literally know Neen.

We could just put you at
the front of the class.

Come on.

Hey, hey. Excuse me.

Um, I'm sorry, twin, but
this is a VIP section.

You got anything
fragile in here?

My pickles!

Yeah, I know.

Your pickles.

I'm so sorry. Ignore him.

Um, so, anyway... You
go ahead. Alright.

Hey, look, now, remember,

you're not just another
kid in this class, okay?

You're special.

Because there was a time

when I was the only man
that your teacher knew.

YOLO. Alright.

So sorry. What...
What were you saying?

Okay, real quick,

I, uh, made a list here
of all the stickers

that Nick would prefer,

and, uh, he don't like
to read on Thursdays,

so let's just not do that.

Okay, got to go.
Busy, busy, busy.

Okay, brainiacs.

So since the last quiz was

-Light work.
-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, light work.

So I figured that we
would have another quiz

on all the stuff we
learned this week.

That shouldn't be
a problem, right?

-Nah.
-Nah.

No problem. Okay,
so I tell you what.

I'mma head to the bathroom.

Soon as I get back, I'mma
hand out the quizzes.

I got my phone, keys,
stapler in its place,

answer key right in
my unlocked drawer.

Okay, so factoring in a
little chitchat with Barb,

maybe a story from Mr. J.

I should be back in
exactly 10 minutes.

Youse probably didn't notice it
'cause I was... I was so subtle.

I planted fake answers
to the quiz in my desk.

These kids are about to find out
what the Schemmenti name means.

Means "scheme."

Scheme-menti... the
original pronunciation.

They changed it at Ellis Island.

And then Nick pulls a homemade
hall pass out of his pocket

that reads "VI-pee-pee"
in Tariq's handwriting,

yells, "Yerrr," and
then goes out the door.

I told
y'all there'd be drama.

Y'all the reason I don't have to
steal anybody's password to Peacock.

Why don't you just
talk to Tariq?

Well, because he's come
so far as a human adult

and a father figure, I don't
want to discourage him.

Maybe I'll just talk
to Nick about it.

Talk to
a child about it?

Awfully protective of an ex.

I made O'Shon flush his
phone and empty his cloud.

He's a really lucky man.

Are you sure Tariq doesn't
have Janine's phone number?

I'm sure he does.

Ooh, so tell me something

and include my question
in your answer.

How do you feel about your
girlfriend getting into

a spousal battle with her
ex-lover over their shared son?

I'm leaving. Janine?

No, this show.

-Yerrr.
-Hey.

Why is the dishwasher running?

Uh, to wash dishes.

Oh, that's what she
wants you to think.

Did you run the dishwasher
with just a spoon in it?

Jacob, you are
unusually sweaty today.

That is not an answer.

Of course not.

I put a single cup
in there, as well.

Wow. Okay. You are being crazy.

And I can say that because a
mental-health professional,

Ms. Alomar, agreed with me.

Backwards.

She agreed with me.

Hmm. Well, I thought your
church was against lying.

Father God, forgive me,

'cause I'm about to
show this young man

his pants are on fire.

Let's go talk with Ms. Alomar.

After you.

No, after me.

You...

Is everything oka...
Why are you moist?

The dishwasher. And the
brisk walk over here.

Barbara ignored the note
that you suggested I write.

Please tell this
confused young man

that you are
completely on my side.

No, she's on mine. Mine.

I'm with a student.

What is her problem? She's
got a lot of attitude.

I can't wait to see how well

all of my genius
students have done.

Probably won't
even need this pen,

except to write
"A+" on all of them.

Right?

Um...

Okay, you got all
the answers right?

Boom

So glad I saved
my curse for that.

This is impossible.

You were supposed to
get them all wrong.

We knew the answers in
your drawer were fake.

So how'd you cheat, then?

We talked to each other.

And remember the stuff
you lectured about.

The stuff you made us read.

The class discussion.

And we aced it. Got you
again, Ms. Schemmenti.

You seemed way smarter when
we were in second grade.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Beaten by a bunch of
bumbling sixth graders.

Feels like when the Eagles
lose to the Cowboys.

Um,
so we got to talk.

Nick said he couldn't get
access to a green crayon,

which has led to this
autumnal foliage.

And, girl, it ain't autumn.

It is autumn, Tariq.

No it ain't. It's fall.

She's
supposed to be a teacher.

You know what? I'm about to put Nick
in the transfer portal immediately.

Alright, you know what?
Tariq, you need to leave.

Why do you still got him
sitting in the cheap seats?

His biggest fear is the
back of people's heads.

You're gonna give him PTSD.

Sorry, guys. One second.

Nick is not gonna get special
treatment anymore, alright?

All of my kids are special.

It's not a
punishment. It's fair.

What?

If I knew that you were gonna
treat my future son like this,

I would have never
dated you. What?

Tariq cannot
take criticism.

One time I told him a
song of his wouldn't work

because nothing
rhymes with orange.

He told me to go forage in
the storage for some porridge.

Basically made my point for me.

Hi.

How's it going, Ms. Anderson?

It's Ms. Alomar.

Oh, well... Please don't tell me

you're going to ask my
opinion on something.

Now, why would I do that

when I have so many
amazing opinions of my own?

I'm sorry. It's just,

I'm at capacity, and the
kids are great, but...

But what? Could we?

Some of the teachers here,
they're kind of a lot.

First of all, don't be
talking about my staff.

Second of all,
spill the tea, girl.

It's just, the teachers
keep coming to me

to settle their petty problems.

Welcome to what I have to
deal with every single day

with these needy-ass teachers.

You must have a lot of patience.

You know what?

I think I have more patience
than anybody I know.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Did you go to Harvard?

I did go there. I
forget sometimes.

No wonder this is such
a well-run school.

God, it's so nice
talking to someone

who is a consummate
professional.

I heard that.

Ava, Ava, you were absolutely
right about that counselor.

She is manipulative,
dismissive, and rude.

She must go. Mm-hmm.

Listen, I've known both of you

way longer than I've known her.

Yes. Yeah.

And that's why I must
take her side on this.

What?

She said y'all
getting on her nerves,

interrupting her when
she's with the kids,

doing the job she's
supposed to do.

She's not going anywhere.

But... I am a Harvard-trained,

consummate professional
who is extremely patient.

Now, get the hell out.

So how'd the, uh... revenge go?

Not well.

Okay, what happened?

Okay, so I planted, like,

a fake answer key
to a test... Uh-huh.

And these little
cheaters figured it out,

so they quickly, like,
cracked open their textbooks,

studied up on the material,
took the test, and did great.

So they learned? Exactly.

How am I supposed
to counter that?

I don't think you should, but...

Hello, Melissa.

How are the super-easy-
to-handle middle schoolers?

Jacob, I swear to God.

I'm too fast. You
can't catch me.

So it seems Melissa, the bully,

is herself getting bullied
by a bunch of little kids.

I was gonna tell her
to eat it, but I...

I got too scared.

Look, I love my first graders,

but it is a completely
different vibe

when I'm with the
older goofballs.

Yes, they are more challenging.

They keep you on your toes.

They sure do. Mm-hmm.

And, you know, I could have
figured out their next move.

I'm just, you know,
a little rusty.

Second graders made me soft.

Why are you smiling?

I got to get back
into fighting shape.

Melissa, you do know you cannot
fight the children, right?

I know. I'm not gonna...
Just making sure.

I'm not gonna fight them. Good.

I'm gonna teach him.

Have you not been doing
that this whole time?

Guys, no fighting
over the brushes.

If you want another, they're...

Tariq?

Tariq, I can see you.

Dang.

You always could, Janine.

Oh, my God.

Look, I've been
reflecting.

I've, you know, been
looking at the mirror.

The man in there.
Michael Jackson.

He had a monkey.
What was I saying?

I think you were
trying to apologize.

No.
No, that's not...

that... no, that... that was it.

Look, I just want
the best for Nick,

and that is a teacher

who treats all the kids fairly.

Wow.

I'm really happy to
hear you say that.

Thank you, Tariq.

You really have grown.

I know. It's pretty lame.

Boo!

No kiss? No fantasy suite?

Tired of these short-ass
seasons and terrible finales.

God.

Hey, Barbara, can I...

Can I talk to you?

Jacob, I have not touched
your precious dishwasher.

I know. I just...

I was thinking about Ms. Alomar

and, you know, she's
here for the kids

and they really like her.

Indeed, they do.

So, in the spirit of
fostering a healthy atmosphere

and setting a good example, I
brought you a peace offering.

The Glamma options were limited,

but I think this
one also suits you.

"#1 Diva."

I can work with that.

Thank you, Jacob.

And, quite honestly, I
was feeling bad, too.

And so I purchased these

so that I can wash my single mug

without ruining my manicure.

Oh. Mm.

Oh, hey.

Uh, just the person
we want to see. Oh.

Ms. Alomar, we would... Oh.

What is her problem? What is her problem?

Listen, you're not
in trouble, okay?

I can respect when I got got.

But yo use can never
cheat again, okay?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Okay. It did make me realize
how much I have to teach you.

Like when you...
write this down.

When you're pulling a job,

you got to keep the
conspiracy small, okay?

You got too many loose lips.

Those goofballs, they gossip
more than the Real Housewives.

You know it's true.

Worse, you burned
your best scheme

on a test you already
had in the bag,

and now that I know you know it,

the next ones are
gonna be even harder.

Bring it. Oh, I will.

I'mma be on you
from here on out.

It's gonna be a good year.

Okay, crack those textbooks.

Let's get into it.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Did you know you could use
a dishwasher to cook salmon?

Let me demonstrate.

First, season your
salmon to taste.

Then you wrap your
salmon up like so.

You select the "salmon"
option on your dishwasher,

which is pots and pans.

And here's one I
prepared earlier.

After one cycle, you should
have a perfectly cooked salmon

that looks just like... this.

Damn. It's overdone.

I think I'll wash this at home.

She's a bit of an odd duck.

Speaking of duck, you can also
use the dishwasher to cook duck.

Now, for duck à I'orange.

...Captions by Verbit...