All language subtitles for 15-Me

For God's sakes, Dr.

Schmuck, will you hurry up?

Patience, Miss Begg.

You must have patience.

See how it boils?

How beautiful it looks?

This time I will not fail.

Well, hurry up, damn it. I can't wait
much longer.

Coffee? What's wrong with it?

It's bitter.

Bitter.

It's always bitter.

Yes, it can be. I'm sure I have it right
this time.

You must be mistaken.

What went wrong?

Must be that A &P. How can I be expected
to make a decent cup of coffee with

that dreck they sell?

You see, they haven't heard the end of
this.

I'll write a nasty letter.

Some scientists you are.

You try to save the whole world and you
can't even make a decent cup of coffee.

Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. You want to
see? I'll show you. I've been saving

for just such an occasion.

What now?

Never mind. I'll show you. In the
icebox. Get me the chopped meat.

What

are

you going to play?

Galloping gourmet again?

What kind of galloping gourmet? You want
to see? I'll show you.

Stand back. Couldn't get too close.

You know, I think you've flipped.

Making coffee is not that important.

Einstein made lousy coffee.

Schweitzer couldn't even boil water.

It's really not that important.

For the last time, I'm warning you.
Stand back. This could be dangerous.

Okay.

Now, stand back.

What's that?

Preparation X.

Preparation X is for shrinking
hemorrhoids.

No, you dum -dum. That's H. H is for
shrinking hemorrhoids. This is X.

With X, you're going to shrink a
hamburger.

Just watch, hmm?

Do you think I should turn it first?

Well, how should I know? Haven't you
done this before?

No.

Oh, my God, what a decision to make.

It's not ready yet.

It's not ready.

Oh, okay.

There.

Here goes.

Oh, that's great. That's just great.

How long have you been working on this?
It hasn't happened yet. Give it a

minute. Well, what are we waiting for?
You'll see. You'll see.

Oh, there.

Now, look.

Look at this. Oh, my God.

What have you done?

And you laughed, right, smarty pants?
See?

I think you'd better turn it. I don't
know if I can.

Well, if you don't, it'll burn.

Okay.

Give me a hand.

I think you're a nut.

What the hell are you going to do with
that thing?

What am I going to... What am I going to
do with it?

Stop it. What do you think I'm going to
do with it? I'm going to eat it.

You have no visions.

You have no foresight.

You have just witnessed right here, on
this stage, a miracle.

Boy, with this Preparation X, I can feed
the world.

It's still alive.

No, no, no. The huffing and the puffing
have stopped. It's done.

Help me carry it, and we will feast, you
and I.

The first preparation is...

you're gonna get a bun big enough for
that thing.

You don't need a bun, Valita. Aldante.

Aldante? Yeah, you need a bun.

I don't know.

You start at that end there, and I'll
start over here, okay?

Kind of scares me.

What's to be afraid of?

He's a grade -A government inspector.

Sheesh.

But with all that...

Four step for man.

One giant step for chopped meat.

It's delicious.

It's a hamburger like you never ate.

Are you sure?

Good.

You know the frost?

Open up.

What are we going to do when we finish
with it? We need some more.

Yeah, make another one.

Open up. I can't

believe it.

It's delicious.

What do you think now?

It was good.

But I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know what's to know.

Take one hamburger, grade A choice,
government inspected, might make a meal

for a king yet.

Everything you do has a way of getting
screwed up.

What could happen?

I don't know.

You're the doctor.

After effects, maybe.

Hey, you know...

Tomorrow's hamburger I ate.

Sexier, sexier you looking over there.

What?

I say, you're looking like a movie star.

Anita Iceberg, you know?

Anita Eckberg.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're one of those guys.

Geez, I never realized how sexy you are,
Miss Benton.

Call me Helen.

You know the hamburger with the huffing
and the puffing?

Yes, it was kind of scary.

Yeah, well, I got a kind of a huffing
and a puffing.

Yeah? Where?

Oh, jockey poop.

You never told me about that.

What's to tell? I never had it before.

What do you think we should do about it?

Well, I don't know.

Some kind of experiment, maybe.

Of course.

Strictly scientific.

Of course.

120

over

90. That's amazing.

Fantastic.

Five inches around.

Amazing. Fantastic.

Eleven inches long.

And the texture?

Firm but pliable.

Oh, amazing.

Doctor, it seems to be growing. Do you
think I should measure it again? To hell

with the size. Keep on with the texture.

I wonder.

What?

If it works as good as it looks.

There's only one way to find out.

You'll be my guest.

But remember, science comes first.

Not this time.

This

reminds

me of when I was a little boy in Vienna.

I went to the circus. I saw this sword
swallowing act.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, Miss Baird.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah,

just like it.

Miss Baird, you have talents I did not
know about.

Told you.

When I applied for the job.

My goodness.

I was very talented in linguistics.

Oh.

I speak many languages. Very good. You
have marvelous hands there.

Doctor. My goodness.

You know, I could get to like this. You
have an insight.

Can you get it all in there? No.

Let me see what...

Let me see what you're doing there.
Yeah.

Okay. Oh, it just feels so good. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Miss Ben.

Helen.

Oh.

Miss Iceberg.

Oh, this is so... Eckberg, darling.

Maybe it's to make it go away or
whatever.

Oh, no, I don't want it to go away.

We're going to play with it for long.

Well? There it goes again.

Every hour on the hour.

Hoffing and puffing.

Look, doctor, I know science comes
first.

But that thing is ridiculous.

For six hours straight.

Every hour on the hour.

I need an assistant.

Pish posh, Miss Ben.

Where would we be today if Madame Curie
said that?

Madam Curie never had to put up with the
hard -on with a built -in clock.

Okay, okay.

Keep your pants off and get you an
assistant.

Where are you going to find an assistant
to fill a job like this?

Simple in my backwards forge
disintegration machine.

For five years you've been working on
this damn thing and you haven't gotten

to work yet.

What makes you think...

I just forgot to plug it in.

You fill

out the card there, and I'll go warm up
the machine, okay?

What should I ask for?

Should I know the other one who makes
the assistant?

Okay.

How about a bull dyke?

No. No animals, please.

Please.

How's this?

Young, pretty.

Yeah, right.

Leap in.

Must be ready for...

Anything. What about the tip?

I thought we were going to keep this
scientific.

You can be scientific and still have
good tits.

Oh.

Only good tits need applause.

Yeah, good.

Hold the cart.

Okay, now stand back. We shouldn't get
hurt here.

What is it?

How should I know? Go take a look.

It's fried rice.

Tommy, girl, Friday, she asks. Why not
fried rice?

Last time they gave us cold pastrami.

You're getting better.

You're starting again, Miss Schmardy.

Just a few minor adjustments.

Ask for hot mustard.

They forgot the mustard.

I'm trying to concentrate.

There now.

I think it's ready.

Shmuck up another one for the amazing
Dr. Shmuck.

How are you, boy?

Carriage. Miss Carriage. Uh -huh.

You must be Schmuck.

Schmuck. Schmuck.

Okay, Schmuck. Schmuck. Uh, who gets the
mustard?

Over there.

Here, take a bag.

Hi. You wanted mustard?

Yes, thanks.

Oh, one.

One, Sam. It's delicious.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm just after eating.

By the way, what kind of a guy is this
schmuck to work for?

Oh, he's okay.

A little wacky.

He's okay.

Just as soon as he gets that damn thing
of his fixed.

Yes, I heard. Every hour on the hour?

It keeps popping and popping.

To tell you the truth, I hope you can
handle it.

Because I'm a brush.

No sweat, love.

My last gig was three weeks on massage.
I can handle it.

I hope so

We need another assistant.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to anything, but another
assistant, no.

It's me who needs the assistant.

You. We spent 24 hours, every hour on
the hour, trying to get

that damn dingle of yours to stop
huffing and puffing. It's simple.

There's another way.

There is?

What?

I don't know.

Listen, when I build something, it's
built to last. You're not going to wear

out. I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

Oh, up the latch.

How much time do we have?

Fifteen minutes.

Don't worry. Give me a chance, hmm?

I'll think of something here.

What are you doing an antidote mixing an
antidote?

No, no.

Your dingle.

I mean your dingle.

Oh, that, it's hard to tell.

It's not time yet, but I have to wait.

While we're waiting, why don't we throw
a party?

I'll make the order.

And I'll hang the balloons and
streamers.

Listen, no need, kiddies. You two sit
here, and I'll go over to my backwards

forge disintegrator machine, and we'll
come up with something, yeah?

Meatball.

My feet.

My ass.

The pound.

The pocket.

The pocket.

I know if I turn around real quick, my
head will fall off.

Oh. Both ankles are broken. I'm sure of
it.

I'll say one thing, Ducky Poo.

You sure know how to throw a party.

Have a good time.

Oh, you had a... Great time you old cock
of you.

Oh, that's good.

I'd hate to feel this bad and not have a
good time.

Oh. Hey, what about my, uh... Uh, like
clockwork. Every hour on the

hour. We can't slow it down.

What a way to die, ejaculating myself to
death.

It was you that started it.

That damned Preparation X.

Must have left something out of the
antidote.

Yeah, the kitchen sink.

No, no, no. You know, when they mix a
drink, they put a twist in it.

I must have left a twist out.

That's why I got no results. There was
no twist in it.

You need more than a twist.

I think we ought to wring its neck.

Yeah.

Maybe we should amputate.

That's a great idea. What have you got
to lose?

What have I got to lose?

What have I got to lose, you stinking
poop?

My whole personality, that's what.

Where do you think I get my ideas from?

Your balls. Of course.

It was the great Dr.

Fungus who once said, the difference
between men and women is men have balls

and women don't.

Was it Fungus who said that?

Of course.

1903.

I always wondered who said that.

This is not getting us anywhere.

Let's amputate.

Off with his head.

Quiet. How can I be expected to think
with all this gibberish going on?

to do is reverse the formula.

Let's throw another party.

No, no, no, no. This has got to be
strictly scientific.

I'll see you later.

cards while history is being made.

I'll show those smarties.

Okay.

I wonder if I should put a twist in it
here.

Ah, perfect, just the way it is here.

Well, here's looking at me.

I still think we should throw another
party.

No.

Once it goes off like that, there's no
stopping them.

Hi, girls. Can I play?

Schmuck. You've really done it this
time.

This takes the cake. Oh, don't be so
ghost, darling.

Carriage, dear, love your hair.

Oh, but that outfit, tacky, tacky.

Well, who's deal? What are we playing?

Odd man out.

Funny. Oh, that's funny.

Well, dear darling, you're holding up
the game.

Well, dear, I don't think we have time
for another hand.

Oh, Kitty.

Your fix.

It's time for your fix. You know, the
huffing and the puffing.

Don't be absurd. We'll do no such thing.

With a cheek on some people.

I'm pure and I'm staying pure.

I like him the other way better.

Me too. Me too. Me too.

Oh, is that all you ever think of is
sex?

Everybody wants my body, and I'm so
tired of it.

I'm going for a swim.

I think I'll go create.

Darling, don't sneak up on me like that.

Where did you get the telescope?

Telescope? Telescope?

Darling, you're looking at my latest
creation.

Can you look into the future with it?
Darling, better than that.

The past. The past. Can you see the
past?

Darling, anyone can look in and see the
future or the past.

But this... All right.

What do you see when you look into the
telescope?

Darling, you see the present.

You see what's going on right now?

Well, is there much call for that?

Darling, it'll make millions.

Oh, really?

Have a look.

Well, what now?

I don't know. Let me think a minute.

It was bad before, but this is absurd.

There must be something.

I know.

Maybe if we shove him into that
backwards -forwards disintegrator of

think you can work it?

I don't know. I think so.

What would that accomplish?

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe you're right.

We'll send him back to where he was
before he took that damn drink and bring

back again.

It might work.

It's worth a try.

Suppose he doesn't want to go.

Leave it to me. He'll go. Call him.

Oh, sweetie.

Dr. Schmock.

Dr. Pooh.

You called, darling?

Now, don't try to make up, Helena. I'm
too upset.

I don't even know if I can go on with my
experiments and all.

Well, here goes nothing. Right.

see him again.

But I had to send him away in order to
bring him back.

That makes sense.

It does?

I mean, it does.

Well, bring him back.

Bring him back. I'm so nervous.

Okay.

Here goes.

Talk another one up for Helen Baird.

How do you feel? Are you all right?

How should I feel after that nosh that
gave me on the head?

That was strictly scientific.

By the way, how's your dingle?

Who's next?

That didn't work. We still have the
dingo problem to solve.

Yeah, it's a stumper, all right.

Hey, wait a minute.

If we can't beat them, why don't we join
them?

That's not a bad idea.

You know, I ate just as much hamburger
as you did, and it didn't do anything

me.

Puddin' head.

Hamburgers are for men.

It was the great Dr.

Fungus who once said... You mean... Of
course.

If you want to get a woman's tingle up
every hour on the hour, you got to put a

little of my Preparation X on meatballs.

Meatballs? Yes, meatballs.

You really made these?

Yeah, by the nut. Oh.

It's so good.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for me. Here's a little
for you.

Here's a little for me.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little
for me. Here's a little for you. Here's

a little for me.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little
for me. Here's a little for you. Here's

a little for me. Here's a little for
you. Here's a little for me. Here's a

little for you. Here's a little for me.
Here's a little for you. Here's a little

for you. Here's a little for me. Here's
a little for you. Here's a little for

you. Here's a little for me. Here's a
little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little
for you.

Here's a little for me.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for me.

Here's a little for you.

Here's

throwing at a party, huh?

Meatballs! Wow!

What do you see?

Meatballs!