Original subtitles

Hot dog.

I'd like one with onions, please.

Hi.

Nice day, huh?

Thank you.

Take your baby to the movies.

Take your baby to the flicks.

That's where you can be together.

That's where you can get your kicks.

Sit her in a back row where the lights are low.

Pick yourself a double feature.

To the moving pig, go.

If your baby wants a lolly, buy a one or even two.

And when she has got that lolly, there is one thing you can do.

Put your arms around her.

Hold her oh so tight.

You can give it the performance.

I want to move it next night.

Billy Fury, Adam Faith, and Frank Sinatra, too.

They will make your partner cuddle, oh, so close to you.

Shirley MacLaine is swinging, and Cliff Richard and his boys. Take your baby to

the movies.

And take your choice.

Take your baby to the movies.

Take your baby to the pig.

That's where you can be together.

That's where you can get your cat.

Consider in a back row where the lights are low.

Pick yourself a double feature to the moving pig. Go.

If your baby wants a dolly, buy one or even two.

And when she has got a lolly, there is one thing you can do.

Put your arms around her, hold her oh so tight.

You can give a star performance on a moving pig's night.

Take your baby to the movies.

Get your action at the movies.

Swingin' music at the movies.

You and your baby as a movie.

Motherfucker.

Hey, are you guys the Creative Concept Systems and Procedures Brothers

Unlimited Inc.? Yeah, that's us.

Good, because I have a telegram for you.

We don't look related, but we're very elated, and we're greatly understated

we say we're the Creative Concept Systems and Procedures Brothers

What do you think?

This gentleman's our father, and we know that he would rather never say how many

wives he took to make.

The creative concepts, systems, and procedures.

Father's unlimited, what do you think?

I married a career girl. He married a career girl.

Two virgins and three drams. Two virgins and three drams. By the time this one

came along, I was so old they called me Gramps.

These two are legit.

This one's a little shit.

There are others who certainly are brothers, but not the creative concepts.

What do you think?

We weren't born with smarts, but we got six balls, three hearts, so the brothers

got together and formed... What do you

think?

Remember that day we met Mr. Big?

That day we met on...

They call the money man.

He gives us half a million for a plan to start.

Creative concepts, systems, and procedures.

Brothers are managing.

What do you think?

We're arty and creative and smartly innovative.

We believe in nepotism.

We're the one and only. I'll never be a lonely.

Guy out of work.

Getting unemployment.

A junkie. A drunk.

Living in a funk.

I'm lucky to be.

Gentlemen, I called this meeting to discuss our deteriorating financial

situation. What about our league?

Face it, Ned. Big League Botchy is not going to catch on.

We're broke, gentlemen.

We mustn't give up. Big League Botchy's gonna sweep the country.

Just ask Mr. Big to give us more time.

Yeah, Red's right.

After all, we named the league after him.

Yeah, we still got one team left.

Thank God for the Greensboro Paisanos.

But if there's only one team left, who are they gonna play?

You're so negative.

Ah, fuck you.

Hey, what about this telegram?

First you sing, then you talk.

You want this telegram or what?

I'll take that, young man.

What's up, Fred?

It's from the Greensboro Paisanos.

Well?

Bungool, y 'all. We quit.

Gentlemen, it's all over.

Creative Concepts Systems and Procedures, Brothers Unlimited, Inc.

Home of Big League Bocce, now defunct. Miss Bliss speaking.

May I help you?

Fred, it's Mr. Ben.

I'm sorry.

He's having a heart attack right now. May I take a message?

And thank you for calling. Say hello to Mrs. Big. Bye.

You guys are dead.

Don't say that. We still got a whole day.

We've got to make a fortune fast.

Let's sell real estate.

Too risky.

What about heroin?

Too much government competition.

Any other ideas?

These guys are creative, aren't you? Sure. Yeah.

Goddamn right.

Well, there's only one way to make that kind of money in 24 hours.

Make a porno flick.

A dirty movie.

You'll clean up.

But we don't know nothing about movie making.

Oh, with some technical assistance, you can put together a dynamite -fucked

film. What you need is lots of raunchy sex.

Plenty of sucking and fucking.

Yeah, maybe even a plot.

Terrific, Red.

Nah, nah, nah.

You need plenty of hardcore sex.

Close -ups.

Penetration.

Owning and groaning.

Now, here's an idea.

You got this girl, see?

And she's all alone.

Another lonely Saturday night.

Stood up again.

Men are so horrid.

You're a dog.

So, I've had all my shots.

I'm attractive.

And I'm a purebred cocker.

You are. You're beautiful.

Easy to please.

Discreet. You don't have to do a thing, sweetheart.

If I don't take care...

You can bet your ass every guy in the audience is going to be identifying with

that dog.

Just a moment, boys.

We'll get a lot of heat from the Humane Society.

Yeah, Fred's right. What about you, Gramps?

Got any ideas?

I've got some great ideas.

How about this?

Guys walking down the street.

There's a sign.

Goes in.

Excuse me.

I'm a little embarrassed about this.

But who do I see about taking nude photographs?

Well, you came to the right place, honey. Is there any more at home like

Well, I don't think... Hey, girls, get a load of what just walked in.

supposed to take pictures of you?

What about the money?

Well,

how'd you like it? Well, it's a swell fantasy, Gramps, but it's just not

believable. The audience will never buy it.

What do you mean? It happened to me twice just last week.

idea for the flick? Yeah, here it comes.

Well, everyone's been in the hospital and had those fantasies.

Thinking of the nurses, whacking off in bed.

I'd never whack off in bed.

I think it's depraved. Ah, fuck you.

Well, anyway, here's the idea.

Guy's just waking up from an operation.

See? He's groggy.

Jeff's coming too. See?

And he starts calling.

See?

Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse! It's all right, sir. Nurse is here.

What is it?

I'm sinking fast.

Yes, I know. I only have a few minutes. Poor thing.

I'm so horny.

Help me.

Please.

Oh, you poor sick thing.

Well, Nurse McPringle never shrinks from a challenge.

No matter how big.

Poor devil is suffering.

Doctor, who was that masked lady? I wanted to thank her. Why, sir, that

was no masked lady.

That was the head nurse.

motion picture.

Tell me, Pacino.

I've an idea for a picture.

Swimmers. Can't you see that fucking stage?

We'll title it Deep Trout.

Gentlemen, we're just flounding around here. It seems clear we've reached the

point where we need technical assistance.

I know just the man you need.

Give me that phone.

Person to person to Federico Geppetto.

and beached at Anzio during the big one.

We surrendered to each other immediately, and we've been fast friends

since. Huh?

Well, Pronto, you too.

Hey, Geppetto!

Oh, it's me, Grandpa.

Yeah, it sure has been a long time. Listen, I've got a job for you to do.

a plane and get over here.

In a hurry.

Ciao.

Hey, you guys.

Now all you need is a first -class cameraman.

I know just where we can dig one up.

Listen to me, all of you. I have to be in this film.

I want to be the star.

I need a chance.

Give me the chance.

I'm sure you're aware, Miss Bliss, that we can't hire an actress without an

audition.

is a boy.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain.

I'm only happy when I'm in pain.

All right, step right up here, sir. Welcome to the pleasure chest.

I'm looking for an old friend, a guy named... No, no, there's no need for

pretense.

Without... It's not just hit and miss.

Perhaps I can interest you in some of our erotic devices.

Now, here's a genuine French tickler.

A steal at two bucks.

Uh, I don't think so. I'm really looking for, uh... How about the all -electric,

you -whack -it masturbator?

It's guaranteed for a full 20 minutes.

I swear to God, I'm looking for an old friend. No, no. No need to feel ill, it

is.

We are bound to please.

I'm here to help you.

Is there anything I can do to make you feel uncomfortable?

Perhaps bondage is your game.

The soft, supple feel of leather. We are fully stocked with restraints,

shackles, hooks, clips, Spanish handcuffs, studded collars, all manner

demonic devices to inflict pleasurable punishment up to and including death.

Jesus. Look, I'm trying to locate an old buddy who used to be a movie cameraman

named Alash. Why, that's me.

I'm Alash. Hey, old buddy, it's me, Jimmy. I didn't recognize you without

hood. You know each other?

Sure. From the old days, you were directing army training films. I was the

grip. Ah, army training films.

Now, those were actors who understood the meaning of discipline.

Ten of nine tails.

It's an enforcer. Hmm?

Hmm?

We ship anywhere.

Now, listen, Lash, we need your help. I'm working with a bunch of greenhorns

a fuck film. We need a great cameraman.

How about it?

No. I'm through with the business.

For old times' sake, piece of the picture?

Never. And not even for points.

I've been pushing these period interests and amorous bullshit for years now.

And I couldn't be happier.

Get into plastics, kid. You'll make a fortune.

But the actors need you. They need that professional touch.

Sorry. They need inspiration and organization.

Forget it, sweetheart.

More than anything else, Flash, they need discipline.

Why didn't you say so?

I'm your boy.

Get me a cab.

Call me a taxi.

You're a taxi.

Geppetto. Grumpo.

Adiamo, bambino.

Ah, this must be Pinocchio.

How do you do, sir?

Well, feel free to nose around, little boy.

Oh, my Pinocchio. He's such a good boy.

Oh, Pinocchio. You're so good.

Everybody says so.

So, you make a film with your stars.

Me, me.

I'm the star.

One star?

We need more.

Many more.

But not to worry.

Federico creates his own stars from scratch.

I cover them from my own imagination.

Ah, you should be aware that we're in a bit of a rush.

Our very lives are at stake.

So?

Pinocchio, read the list.

All right, you guys. Here's what we need.

Clay. Clay. Wood.

Wood. Nails. Nails. Ten miles of blue chiffon. Ten miles of blue chiffon. Two

miles of foam rubber.

Two miles of foam rubber.

Elmer's glue.

Paste. One dozen thumbtacks.

Plenty of touch tape.

A gallon of Vaseline.

And all the dildos you can get your hands on.

I have all those things in my desk.

So, we begin.

Foam! Foam! I need more foam!

Nobody likes a smutter!

I only like my cock ring, honey.

Come on, try it on for size.

Now get rid of that other thing. Come on.

Look. What's your favorite, Terry? See one you like.

Watch out. Watch out. My ears.

That's what I call a head.

Is

this

a joke?

made these tits.

I wouldn't be caught dead in these tits. That's easy, Bellissima.

You're not finished yet.

You're gonna be lovely.

Hey, you're pretty sexy for an old guy.

You want to party?

Oh, hello.

No.

No, that's all wrong.

Thank you. Thank you, Rabbi.

I will be loving you.

Here it is, Geppetto. Thank you.

you fairy godmother.

Who's the make?

Listen what I say.

All of my films had a fairy godmother, and they all were hits.

Attention, everyone. If he wants a fairy godmother, I think he should have one.

And who are you, madam?

I'm the secretary for urban women for decent pornography.

You're in the wrong movie.

Get out. You're obviously a woman of a taste. You stay.

The work is a finito, and there are you done.

Listen and listen good, you cretins.

I'm here to whip this porno film into shape.

Ladies, get this number on its feet.

Let's rehearse it first.

When I'm calling you... Cut! Cut! Cut!

This is a porno flick.

Well, how about when I'm bald?

Can they learn it? Of course that they can.

These are my stars.

Quim. Quim.

Quim.

Enough. Enough.

Let's go for a take.

Sound.

Rolling.

Camera.

Oh, fucking shit.

Alistair.

What speed.

There we are.

Ready when you are, Taylor.

Seen the one.

Take the one.

Action.

Cut!

Cut! Can't you creeps remember my fucking choreography?

Of course I can, bitch.

Goddamn amateur.

We got the shit in the can where it belongs.

Let's move on.

Sound.

Camera. Speed.

Way to go.

Take it zero. Speed to one.

Take it two.

Action.

Speak the speech, I pray you. I can't wait to hear you.

What is this horseshit? This is ridiculous.

What is this costume?

There's no skin showing.

Tacky is terrible.

Go away, all of you. I can't even look at you anymore.

We'll finish this after lunch.

Next number.

Fluff and fluff.

My headache is gone.

Excuse me, Lash.

Do you have a second to take a look at a skit that Grandpa and I wrote? I wrote

most of it. You did not.

Let's hear it.

That old black magic. You see, I'm a witch.

That old black magic.

Why, you may have one wish granted.

I wish I had a dingle dangle that could touch the floor.

So the witch takes a saw out of her dress and chops his legs off.

And then he says.

Holy shit.

That's the worst thing I ever heard. Who wrote that shit?

He did.

The American Dream Girl.

Now listen.

By peaches and cream, girl, big your form and

face are to pass the human race.

Your grain is what I esteem,

girl. Charming you seem, girl.

Do I have to whip you?

A painting?

Up yours. I'm having my period.

You an idiotic cunt.

Pimple. Pimple.

Dance.

She's too busy bleeding to dance.

You frighten my acting.

You ruin the film. You stop.

Out of the way, you old fart.

You stars are shit. And you're a shit director.

And you...

Blast it all, I'm going out for a drink. You can't leave, Fred. We're not

finished yet.

Gentlemen, that is debatable.

Suppose Mr. Big calls back.

What'll we say?

Your prayers, my good man, your prayers.

I shall return.

Oh,

what's the matter, sugar?

I'm a disgrace by this film.

have taken advantage of an older man.

The film makes a mockery of my work, my reputation, my genius.

It is filthy and disgusting and slowly paced.

Come, Pinocchio, we go home now. You go to school.

Oh, Pop, I don't want to go to school.

Here you come, dead boy.

No, I am alone once more.

I am so ashamed.

I go now.

Find a boat.

Oh, life is too short to sweat the small stuff, sugar.

Now listen to what I've got to say.

Have you lost your sunshine?

Trouble got you down.

Are you feeling left out?

Well, take a look around.

Everybody's waiting for that song to break through.

So try and keep yourself together.

Happy. What you got to lose?

Smile when you're down and out. You'll find if you do, the whole world will

see.

When you're feeling happy and you wear a smile,

the trouble seems so easy and living so good.

What you got?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

What you got?

solitude. No naked bodies in disgusting contortions. No genitalia staring me in

the face. Free at last.

There must be refuge somewhere.

Where, men?

Is there no rest for the weary? What's the matter with you, pal? You a faggot

something?

I'd merely like to be left alone, if you please.

Must be a faggot. Hey, move it over here, baby.

Oh, I don't know what to do when he gets his hands on it.

Ah, fuck off.

Oh, come on. Give me a handful, baby. I promise I'll lick my fingers all the way

home. Great.

Have mercy.

Oh, gee, your English.

Correct. And you, my dear woman?

Are perverse. Oh, gee, thanks.

Hey, how can you stick it in his face? You won't stick it in mine.

Because your vibrations suck. That's why.

Oh, you bitch.

Sir, you're out of bounds.

You get out of my way, buster. I'm going to shove this bottle where the sun

don't shine.

I beg your pardon.

Better not. He'd probably like it.

I must warn you, sir.

I'm quite well versed in the martial arts. No shit.

bump you got there.

Oh, it hurts, too.

I was talking about the bump between your legs, sweetheart.

Tell me, how are you hung, anyway?

Oh, I'm not hung at all.

Marionettes are hung. I'm a hand puppet.

Oh, you're so witty and brave.

I'll bet you're a very important man.

Actually, I'm a film producer.

Before us.

How long you been in the business?

All day.

And I must be dashing back. My partners need me.

Yeah, but you rescued me.

Let me show you how grateful I am. Oh, you English guys are such turn -ons.

Please, I really must be going.

Come on, baby.

I won't keep you long.

Very well.

But I mustn't linger.

You see, I have serious corporate problems.

Don't worry about that. I'll get it up for you.

What shall we do?

Freddy, I have a confession to make.

Do tell.

I've been a very bad girl.

Oh, I gathered.

When I was little.

My daddy would thank me if I was bad.

My what?

Thank me. Hit me, daddy. I've been such a big...

It's all in the wrist.

What about you, Freddy?

What can I do to make you happy?

I'd really rather not say.

Come on, tell me.

Promise you won't laugh?

I need them.

You're weird.

Is David Frost as kinky as you are?

Never mind.

Now, the grapes.

Get the grapes.

The grapes?

When you talk about this, be kind.

How go the wars, gentlemen?

Hey, Fred's back.

On my head?

There's nothing on my head. Got it?

You're the boss.

How's it going?

Geppetto and Lash ran out on us. Fucking foreigners.

Oh, but we might have enough. I'm working on the first cut.

Hang in there, boys.

We'll lick this thing yet.

Lick my ass.

Let's see.

Four and a half times 318 reels minus...

Pi squared, 16 frames to the dozen.

Uh, let me see. What's 7 plus 4?

Uh, 8.

Right.

Good God, there must be half a million feet of film here.

Hell, that ought to be plenty.

That's too many feet for Christ's sakes. Who wants to see feet anyway? People

don't want to see feet. They want to see pussy and cocks and tits and ass. Not

that kind of feet, you dumbbell.

Gentlemen, we have a crisis.

Our movie has no ending.

What?

Look.

Here's the beginning.

And here's the middle.

But we have no end.

What do we do?

We're screwed.

We could film an ending, I suppose.

Let's put some new stuff between the beginning and the middle.

Then the old middle will be the new end. Yeah, how about some commercials?

People are used to seeing commercials in the middle of everything.

Yeah, X -rated commercials. The public will love it.

Think we can come up with some? Sure we can.

Let's not forget our heritage.

We're the creative concept systems and procedures. Oh, cut that shit out. Now

let's get to work.

Hey, let's do the one where that girl holds up the soap.

How about the one with the widow in the toilet bowl? Yeah, that's a swell idea.

We're interviewing high fashion model Miss Jessica Coos on the subject of

feminine hygiene sprays.

Jessica, tell me.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is Jessica.

Paul? I don't know you.

Oh, Harry sent you.

Why didn't you say?

Well, a hundred bucks an hour, sweetheart.

Right.

Sure, you can come right up.

But no whips or none of that kinky shit, please.

Bye -bye.

Oh, where were we? I was about to ask you for your favorite brand of feminine

hygiene spray.

Oh, I always use New Sweetfish.

Why sweetfish, Miss Coos?

Well, us models, under the hot lights and all, our cunts can get pretty

And if it isn't fresh, I'm out of business.

Isn't that sweet, you little moneymaker, you?

Use new sweetfish every day. Keep that skunky cunt away.

Use new sweetfish every day. Keep that skunky cunt away.

Sweet fish.

I'm gonna put you in the movies.

I'm gonna make a big star out of you.

I'm gonna put you in the movies.

And all you gotta do is hang loose and screw.

Doctor, really.

You are a cheeky devil, you are.

How long have you had these pains? Well,

I don't know. I lost my watch, but I guess it's about four years, three

and two days.

Well, I'm glad you came to me right away.

Let's see here.

Oh, Doctor, do you think... Do you think that I might be... No, no. Just relax

and we'll see what we have here.

It's so hard waiting, Doctor.

I have it.

A Climax watch.

Still ticking after four years, three months, and two days.

Climax. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

That's why Climax is the largest... Gorgeous selling watch on 47th Street.

Climax? Bullshit, you better take another look down there. My watch was a

pulsar.

Isn't it time you had a climax?

If I were a... Which where would I be?

We'll push everything.

What do you got to lose?

I hate the taste of lust to ring, but I use it 40 times a day.

I'm so oral.

Love it.

It

was

a smashing

idea, Red, but I don't think it'll work. Golly, why not?

It's just not dramatically viable.

Ah, what the fuck do you know?

Our asses are on the line. Let's put them in.

Yeah, no, you can't do that. Gentlemen, gentlemen, please don't despair.

All we need is a shot to get our creative juices flowing again.

It's Mr.

Big!

His eyes don't look glad to see me, boys.

Where's my half a million dollars?

Well, where's the money?

Gee, I don't know.

It was around here someplace.

Wise guy, huh?

Somebody better come up with the money or you're all as good as dead.

You'll have it as soon as the movie is released, Mr. Big. With interest.

When will that be?

According to my watch, he's got one hour.

What's the matter with him?

He ain't himself since you came in the door.

I'm the same way myself.

You guys better stop blubbering and start fundraising.

Ernie?

Hock all this equipment and send all the money to the widows. Oh, Jesus.

This looks like a job for a mighty mouth.

Yay!

All right, boys, I got them. Run!

Get them off of me.

No, wait, wait.

You can run, but you can't hide.

I'll see you creeps in your office in one hour.

Excuse me, madame. Your car.

Oh, James.

Time to go already.

Yes, madame. You have a bridge date.

Cancel it. I'm going to stay here and help these poor souls.

They're trying to create an erotic film and failing dismally. It's a matter of

life and death.

Oh, forget it, lady.

Dead? Yeah. Red?

Yeah. Red?

Yeah. You guys are dead.

He's right. Nothing can save us.

It's all over. Just a moment.

If Madame says she'll help, all is well.

Are you kidding?

Look at her. What does she know? She's an old lady.

Madame, they've thrown down the gauntlet.

Gentlemen, I may look like an old lady on the outside, but inside I'm as hot

wet as the best of them.

I got strongy thighs and...

the eyes of Bulba's nose and sagging holes but

I'm of a sensuous woman.

My memories are memories but still I

can delight my man called I'm of a

sensuous woman.

What I do with sensuality's end.

Come to Mama Sajem.

Blow in his ear.

On upon his rear.

He's ripe for plucking.

Learn your sex electric.

Ting -a -ling -a -ling -a.

A maddening lick with a butterfly flick and a blow.

You're maddened.

So when you're a bedroom boy.

Get out of doors.

Try a rope and a hack. Or a BMP track.

And live like the sensuous woman.

A tired he.

Do it orally, you better be.

For the sensuous woman.

The sensuous woman.

You're terrific.

Taxi. Help us. Save our movie.

Take us to the promised land, sweet mama.

But, madame, what shall I do with the car?

Sell it, you dummy.

You really think we can make it? Of course you can make it. Remember who you

are. We're the creative concept systems and procedures.

Brothers unlimited ink. What do you think? Don't you forget it. You've got

imagination, taste, and this boy has a problem that can help you.

Yeah. Give me a chance.

And you shall have it, my dear. What you need is boffo production numbers.

Today's sound.

A rock beat.

Transvestite. Stop it, you two.

What about me? What can I do?

Pinocchio, according to my notes, you have now come seven times.

Eight. Eight times.

And you shall be rewarded.

She lives a life of his and hers in a world of change and sex.

She's a change and freedom fit princess in a dream that's rated X.

She took to drag and dress and art but she'll be driving trucks.

Her world is a myth like gravity.

It has no pull, it sucks.

There's lots of things about her.

that you never understand.

How can you talk to a lady with every inch of man?

She's the new all -American boy. She got the curse of their grandmother's

tongue. She's the new all -American boy with her tattoo for the price

of one.

And the boy hit the girl from the side.

Swap a girl and part, so easy.

But the man's part, they part.

Doctor went to see the doctor's man.

She said, hey, make me a box.

A shot, she progressed something.

And a brand new plastic box.

Now she's the box they're looking at. That you've been waiting for.

If a girl of the dream turns out to be the four -necked door She's the new

all -American bar She's got the curse of bad grandmother's son She's the new all

-American bar With her you'll get two for the price

Okay, you poipetries is all under arrest on account of making a dirty movie.

All right, you cunts, let's go.

All

right, kid,

you're next. Let's go.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, contributing to the delinquency of an

adult. Up yours.

Okay,

cutie, you're next.

Hey, by the way, cutie, I'll, uh... Uh... See you when you get out.

Ooh.

All right, let's go.

It was a

good try, gentlemen, but we're gone.

Hmm. Our present predicament severely limits our fundraising mobility.

Listen, we still got 45 minutes left, right?

It seems to me you only got one shot, boys.

What?

Politics.

Totally unfeasible.

Gentlemen, we have enough problems.

If we go into politics, we'll really be in trouble.

All right, all right.

Quiet down, you poiper traitors.

You're free.

All charges have been dropped.

Wait a minute, officer.

I'm not sure I have a firm grasp of the situation.

Social redeeming, that's what the situation is. Some faggot judge says you

social redeeming value in this here film.

You're free.

Out of here.

Out of my jail.

All of you. Up, two, three, four. You dirty screw.

You're the guy I gave to my brother in the back.

Listen, who I fuck is my business. Now move it.

Bunch of poivoits. Social redeeming my ass.

Fucking is fucking.

Well, I still think we should have gone out to Hollywood.

Jimmy won't know what to say if we win.

Ah, we'll never win.

Let's put on the ball game.

Oh, ye of little faith.

Look, they're announcing the nominee.

Turn up the volume.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for.

For the best picture of the year.

May I have the envelope, please?

I'm so excited.

And the winner is...

You are hereby summoned to appear before the grand jury in Memphis.

You asshole.

Give me it.

And the winner is... I don't believe

this shit.

The winner is... The last porno flick.

For Mrs. Gepetto is Jimmy.

Congratulations.

Since this is the first fuck film to win an Oscar, I just gotta thank two people

who made it all possible.

The two people who invented fucking Adam and Eve.

I didn't get their last names, but they know who they are.

And I'm thrilled for my good buddy, Gramps, that he lived to see this night.

What an asshole.

There must be nine million dollars here. Keep counting. There's ten million in

this pile and nine million... Are you sure?

Let's start again and make sure, because I don't want to get screwed here. Come

on, come on, boys.

Keep counting.

I'm being taken advantage of. That's my pile. Get your hands off it.

Come on now, don't fight. I'm going to take my share and go to that massage

parlor and go for broke.

Hey, hey.

I've got an idea for our next movie.

How about She Came on the Bus?

Ah, horseshit.

Those travel films never make money.

I've got one.

Dr. Dick makes a house call.

Too medical. No zip. You gotta play on their fantasies, boys.

How's this?

Teenage grandmother.

No, no, no.

There'll be no more erotic film.

Gentlemen, this is the last porno flick.

What? We're going to think of something. What are we going to do?

Let's not forget our heritage.

I

need

a drink.