Original subtitles

What are you guys doing?

Be cool, be cool, be cool.

What's going on? Are you in trouble?

Did someone demand health insurance?

We're doing a card for L .A.'s greatest hero.

The big boy from Bob's Big Boy?

No, Mookie Betts, L .A. Dodgers, MVP, World Series champ.

Oh, my God, I love him.

Mama's little Mookie bear.

Thanks for coming by, Mookie.

Yes, sir.

Okay, your 1970 Dodge Charger is going to be great, and we're going to rename

the 1970 Dodger.

Nice. Okay. I want you to meet my daughter, Riley.

Hi. Stitch. Gabe.

Hello, Mickey Betts.

Matt tells me you guys are the best. Said MVP to MVP.

We're going to do a great job. We want to make you mad.

Charger them on.

This guy's going to work on my car, right?

Mookie, thanks a lot, man. Well, nice to meet everyone.

Gabe, seriously, don't touch my car.

See you later, Mookie.

Bye, Mookie Bear.

Matt, you wanted to talk to me about that thing, that communist thing you

you didn't love? Okay, yeah. The only thing I like about communists, really,

their barbers, right?

Two billion people, same haircut.

That's efficiency.

Thanks for being discreet. I don't want them knowing about us.

Let's act like we're fighting in here.

Just dramatic arm movements like this. A lot of that.

But you're so pleasant and easy to get along with. Who would believe it?

Good. Well, I'm thinking about on our first date Saturday night, we'll go

French.

Why don't we just keep it casual and hang?

Maybe a hike.

They seem really mad at each other.

No, my friend.

That's what we call chemistry.

Sexual chemistry.

Please, they're not a couple. They hate each other.

Who said couple? I don't feel good.

No, now I know Matt and Eve got something going on.

Something sexual.

How about this? No -ho golf.

We get something to eat. Is that casual enough for you?

Sounds good.

Looking forward to it.

Five o 'clock?

Perfect.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

Get out.

And another thing, Matt Parker.

Yeah.

Turns out I don't mind everyone knowing your personal business.

Yeah, dog!

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey. Hello there. Listen, if you're selling cookies, knives, or Jesus, we

need anything.

Did you just slam the door on George's friend?

I think I did, yeah.

What?

She's coming over to hang.

You must be Olivia. Hi. I'm sorry about the mix -up. My dad's a little... O -M

-G. Ignore her.

It's okay. My mom's also super old and cringe.

I don't see cringe. I see comfy and cute.

Game recognizes game.

And Costco recognizes Costco.

I'm Jen.

Riley, do you want to come in for a sec? Sure.

Is that rosé?

I'm definitely not drinking at a kid's play date.

Neither am I.

But I'd like to be.

Where have you been all my life?

Target.

Do you like charcuterie? I already cut the cheese. Oh, my God.

Where is that way?

Oh, good.

More people in my house.

Hey, Mom, can we pass me some smoothies? Why, because pushing the button on the

blender has become too exhausting?

Go ahead, sweetie.

Ooh, a blazer? Are you getting inducted into the Angry Guy Hall of Fame?

That's pretty funny. This is from the Troy Aikman collection.

I'm going to pick up Eve. And before your date, you're going to run for city

council?

It's not actually a date. It's just a casual hang.

In 1984?

Who even are you?

This is Olivia's mom, Jen. We're basically the same person. Maybe try a

under the blazer.

Oh, nice.

Very Pedro Pascal.

You know what's wrong with your generation?

Oh, yay. This should be fun. They need celebrities to tell you what to wear.

What to drink, what to eat. You know what Matt Parker endorses? Anything that

starts with back in my day.

Not being a sheep worshipping at the altar to fame.

I like what I'm wearing.

Ooh!

Pops, that shit is fire!

Okay, maybe I'll change.

Thanks for helping me with my car, Stitch.

I needed a break, to be honest, you know. Georgia's got a friend over.

Mom's got a friend.

Too much Estro.

Oh, look who decided to show up. Sorry I'm late. That was that Amelie's dog's

bark mitzvah.

Let me tell you something.

Dogs don't need a party.

Anything that can lick his own junk every day is his birthday.

Okay, but it's a rescue, so... I'm in a wheelchair. Where's my party?

Are you mad or something? Me?

No, but it's Rue DeCarter.

You showing up here all late, he was really counting on you. Not really.

Your sad little, poor little nerd ain't got no life. OK.

Sitting right here.

Why are you acting weird?

I'm acting weird? Dude, you've been acting super flaky lately.

No matter fact, you've been acting like, you know what, I'm not going to say the

word in front of the kid.

No, no, no. I'm cool with cursing. I watch Wheel of Fortune with my grandpa.

Ugh. My ex was the worst.

He got really into CrossFit.

And then even more into his trainer, Javier.

I married a bass player.

And you win.

But hey, the further you get from the divorce, the easier it gets.

Now I just do whatever I want.

Started making ice cubes out of wine.

Oh my God, you need to go on Shark Tank.

Hey, what do you say we do a girls' night tonight?

Really? Afternoon hang followed by same night hang?

Are we moving too fast? Do I even care?

Mom, can we go?

Yep. I bet the smoothies are making Olivia gassy.

She's lactose intolerant.

Like her dad.

Oh, God.

Don't worry. I'll put the rest of your rosé in an ice tray. Perfect. See you

later.

Olivia's mom is a lot.

Hey, watch it. That's my friend. Literally my one friend.

In fact, she's coming back tonight.

Girls night.

What, what?

No.

Olivia's the worst.

What, what?

But you guys have so much in common, like how all moms are old and cringe.

She's being mean to me.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Maybe you should talk to Olivia about it. And maybe you should tell Olivia's

to fuck it.

You cannot be her friend.

Jen didn't do anything to you.

Olivia is my enemy. And the mother of my enemy is also my mother's enemy.

Right?

Fine, I'll cancel.

Good.

So mean.

Did you say something?

Hey, what gave it away?

In fact, I'm standing in front of the blue door with the weird pink chair and

the doormat that says, Namaste.

Which I would add, Namaste off my proper day.

I'm already at NoHo Golf.

Why are you at NoHo Golf? I'm here to pick you up on our date.

Well, you didn't say anything about driving together.

We said 5 o 'clock. Going on a date. I mean, even Ted Bundy had the courtesy to

pick up his date.

What if you give your home address to a creeper? I'm not a creeper you met on

the internet. I'm a creeper you met in an alley behind an auto shop.

I'll see ya.

Hey, Parker.

Nice butt.

Your hips are even less flexible than your opinions.

But I hit the target, Eve.

So I may be setting my ways. It's not my fault. My ways are always right.

Well, I hope you can move better than that. Yeah, well... Boo!

Just give me a little boom -boom.

Okay. You know, like the conga.

Dun -dun -dun -dun -dun. Dun -dun -dun -dun -dun. Dun -dun -dun -dun -dun. Dun

-dun -dun -dun -dun. You should clear the area.

Is that how you teach people how to dance?

You're going to get a lawsuit if you keep doing that.

A martini for the lady. Thank you, Lincoln.

And a beer.

Hey, thanks, ma 'am. Oh, oh, that's gin.

You ordered a martini? I ordered a vodka martini. Whatever.

Alcohol is alcohol.

Let's just get you another drink. Get you the right one.

No, no, totally fine. Get the drink you want. Seriously.

No big deal. He's busy.

About a second one. It could be toilet wine. I wouldn't care.

Hey, Lincoln, let's get the right drink in here.

Didn't you get my message canceling? I did, but I thought you were joking,

would be so us.

I wish. The problem is Georgia. She says we're not allowed to see each other.

I can't go.

Seriously? Olivia hates everything I do. Are we really going to let our

daughters run our lives?

So what do you think?

They're not the boss of us.

They're not?

Maybe you should look for it at Amelie's dog's after party.

Guys, come on. You've been taking shots at each other all day. And it's honestly

weird when they're not aimed at me.

You got a problem with Amelie? Or her golden doodle, Alan?

No, I got a problem with Alan Mama's boyfriend.

Okay, okay, enough.

If you guys won't settle this, then I will.

Like an adult.

With a game of chicken? To the death?

No, but close.

Like Dungeons and Dragons.

It's a proven way to get people to work together.

You trouble with Dyke?

Uh, hello?

I'm a dungeon master.

I'm always packing, okay?

I really need more black friends.

Sit, and I'll assign you your characters.

Ahem.

And you are Gabalor, the bard, poet of love.

Hey, should I rhyme when I talk? Yes.

You know, this is dumb, man. You know, the only fantasy game I play is football

on the new ESPN app.

The made -up game that real men play.

And you are Citrus, the sewing centaur.

The more he sews...

Can I bring you anything else?

Oh, no. Just the check. Thank you. He already paid for it.

What? Oh.

The man doesn't have to pay.

Let's go Dutch.

It's already been done, Eve.

How cheap are the Dutch that they're only remembered for that one thing?

I'm not letting you do this.

It's my pleasure.

How about this?

Closest to the target pays.

Okay, so I'll pay.

All right.

Watch and learn.

Put that tight booty under it, Parker.

Oh, gosh.

Are you okay?

I meant to do that.

You know, I've never had orange wine. I like it. Of course you do. Getting tipsy

and fighting scurvy.

And hey, I just wanted to say, everyone makes mistakes. I'm sure Olivia didn't

mean any harm.

What are you talking about? Yeah, the reason she was mean to Georgia.

Maybe Olivia was gassy.

Wait.

Olivia wasn't mean to Georgia.

Georgia was mean to Olivia.

What? Georgia's not mean.

Actually, that tracks.

You know, Olivia's hero is Hailey Bieber. And Georgia said that anyone who

spends $20 on a Hailey Bieber smoothie is a sheep worshipping at the altar of

fame. Okay, let's see. So that's not Georgia.

That's Georgia repeating my dad repeating Joe Rogan.

Okay. I'm just saying it would be nice if she could respect her friend's

beliefs. Okay, but liking Hailey Bieber isn't a belief.

Celebrity brands are ridiculous. Do we really need Snoop Dogg's line of

Tupperware to keep our weed fresh?

Bad example, that's a great idea, but you get my point.

Okay, and my point is that your daughter is a little mean.

my daughter.

If you've got a problem with her, you've got a problem with me. So get on board

with both of us or take off your earrings and let's dance.

So, halfsies?

Hey.

How you doing?

Hey.

I think we set a record for the worst first date ever.

Come on, come on. We had a good time.

hospital. Right, well, I gotta admit, I mean, almost killing you with a golf

ball wasn't part of my plan, but we had some fun.

We had some fun.

Like when you made the waiter cry?

That was pretty easy.

But you got the drink you wanted. Oh, I got the drink you wanted me to have.

Which is the drink you wanted.

See, we don't see eye to eye on anything. Where to go, how to get there,

should pay, what hospital I should go to.

The other one got two stars on Yelp, so... I'm just saying, we might be a

too different. It shouldn't be this hard.

Maybe it's time we just call it.

Miss Drake, I'll be taking you for your x -ray.

Would your father like to join us?

You enter in the cavern of crisis.

To your right, Princess Amelie is in danger. To your left, a magic potion.

What do you do?

Man, forget the princess. I want the potion.

You activate a hidden trap.

An arrow pierces your armor.

Karma!

So you and the princess are going to live happily ever after while the one

character in the story dies.

Oh, that's original.

You know what?

Gabe Lohr has searched his whole life for love.

So maybe Stitchman should stop acting like such a bitch.

No, you didn't.

I rhymed what I rhymed.

You know what, man? I'm done.

You're really asking me to choose between you and Amelie? Don't have to,

I know who you're going to choose.

No, you don't. You're my ride or die.

Always have been.

Now I'm yours.

You know, I just didn't think you're the type of guy that would blow off your

friend for a girl.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I promise to make more of an effort.

Like, maybe we could do Taco Wednesday?

No.

We could do Waffle Wednesday.

I love waffles.

I know, silly.

So we're good?

Yeah, we could.

And so concludes the tale of Stitcher Miss and Gabalor.

Never fear.

Their love is always there.

I hear it now. It's super annoying.

Uh -huh. Did you solve your dance emergency?

to find room to whip and indeed nae -nae at Hannah's Wine Bar.

Tracking out works both ways, traitor.

Fine. I'm sorry, but you don't have to worry. Jen is dead to me.

What?

Olivia not made up.

Now she's never going to be allowed over.

You made up? You said she was a monster.

Oh, that was so two hours ago.

You need to fix this.

Well, you told me to leave, and I was driving away and realized I drove you

here.

I can't believe you came back, even after I yelled at you to go.

Well, I've never been accused of being a good listener.

I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

What? Remember, I'm not a good listener.

I've just gotten used to taking care of myself.

I haven't dated a guy like you, like, ever.

What do you expect, a hipster jackass?

Yeah, I guess I've learned to lower my expectations.

Well, don't do that. You deserve better.

You really do.

You're an amazing woman.

See that?

Hipster jackasses don't do that.

Well, I apologize if I was stubborn or overbearing.

Which is literally something I could say to anybody at any time.

But right now I'm saying it to you.

With that said, would you consider a second date?

I'd love it.

Great. Don't know when.

Where else am I going to go?

Welcome to our second date.

Where'd the candle come from? A coma patient's room.

like he's going to know it's gone.

All right, I'm out of here.

Are you going to eat?

No, I have to give Eve a ride.

Yeah, you do.

What's the matter with you?

Is that a Hailey Bieber smoothie?

I thought you hated all celebrity products because people who buy them are

sheep. Yeah, but after I spent ten minutes to air one, going, everybody in

they actually...

Gave me two so I'd leave.

And now, I'm a Belieber.