All language subtitles for LastWeekTonightS12E25(eng)

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

US.

IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK!

ERIC ADAMS DROPPED OUT OF

NEW YORK'S MAYORAL RACE, THE

NFL "CONTROVERSIALLY" GAVE THE

SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW TO

ONE OF THE HOTTEST, MOST

COMMERCIALLY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

ALIVE, AND ON WEDNESDAY THE

GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN --

DISRUPTING FEDERAL PROGRAMS, AND

FORCING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF

EMPLOYEES TO GO WITHOUT

PAYCHECKS -- SOMETHING TRUMP

THEN CELEBRATED BY GOING ON A

MEME-POSTING SPREE, INCLUDING

THIS VIDEO:

>> ♪ HERE THE POWER'S GONE ♪

♪ RUSS VOUGHT IS THE REAPER ♪

♪ HE WIELDS THE PEN, THE FUNDS,

AND THE BRAIN ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE REAPER ♪

♪ DEMS, YOU BABIES ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE REAPER ♪

♪ GONNA TIE YOUR HANDS ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE REAPER ♪

♪ WON'T BE ABLE TO FLY ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE REAPER ♪

♪ CRYBABY, END YOUR PLAN ♪

♪ ♪

>> John: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

WORSE THERE -- TRUMP IN A HOOD

PLAYING THE COWBELL, DOUBLING

DOWN ON THIS RACIST SOMBRERO

SHIT, GIVING J.D. VANCE

CHEEKBONES HE'S NEVER HAD IN HIS

WETTEST OF DREAMS, OR THE TACIT

ADMISSION THAT RUSS VOUGHT, OF

"PROJECT 2025," IS BASICALLY IN

CHARGE OF EVERYTHING NOW.

IT'S ALL VERY BAD.

NOW, JUST BEFORE THE GOVERNMENT

SHUT DOWN, TUESDAY SAW A RARE

GATHERING OF NEARLY 800 OF THE

MILITARY'S TOP OFFICIALS.

THEY'D BEEN SUMMONED ON SHORT

NOTICE TO HEAR DEFENSE SECRETARY

PETE HEGSETH GIVE A SPEECH IN

WHICH HE COMPLAINED ABOUT

SO-CALLED "STUPID RULES OF

ENGAGEMENT," WOKENESS, AND -- TO

A SURPRISING DEGREE -- PHYSICAL

APPEARANCE:

>> TODAY, AT MY DIRECTION, THE

ERA OF UNPROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE

IS OVER.

NO MORE BEARDOS.

FRANKLY, IT'S TIRING TO LOOK OUT

AT COMBAT FORMATIONS OR REALLY

ANY FORMATION AND SEE FAT

TROOPS.

LIKEWISE, IT'S COMPLETELY

UNACCEPTABLE TO SEE FAT GENERALS

AND ADMIRALS IN THE HALLS OF THE

PENTAGON, AND LEADING COMMANDS

AROUND THE COUNTRY AND THE

WORLD.

IT'S A BAD LOOK.

>> John: OH, MY GOD.

I CANNOT THINK OF A WORSE REASON

TO BE DRAGGED TO A MEETING THAN

TO GET A LECTURE ON APPEARANCE

FROM SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE

MATTEL'S FIRST "KILLED A PLEDGE

DURING RUSH" KEN DOLL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT WASN'T ALL, BECAUSE

HEGSETH WAS FOLLOWED BY THE

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, WHO GAVE HIS

OWN MEANDERING ADDRESS,

INCLUDING THIS SLEEPY DIGRESSION

ABOUT BOATS:

>> DO YOU KNOW, IN THE SECOND

WORLD WAR, THERE WERE FREIGHTERS

AND DIFFERENT TYPES, BUT WE WERE

DOING A SHIP A DAY?

AND NOW WE'RE NOT DOING SHIPS.

AND I'M NOT A FAN OF SOME OF THE

SHIPS YOU'RE DOING.

I'M A VERY AESTHETIC PERSON.

I DON'T LIKE SOME OF THE SHIPS

YOU'RE DOING AESTHETICALLY.

THEY SAY, OH, IT'S STEALTH.

I SAID, THAT'S NOT STEALTH.

AN UGLY SHIP IS NOT NECESSARY IN

ORDER TO SAY YOU'RE STEALTH.

>> John: Y'KNOW, HE'S RIGHT.

WE DON'T DO SHIPS ANYMORE, AND

IT'S NOT STEALTH TO BE UGLY.

AND DURING THE SECOND WORLD WAR

THERE WERE FREIGHTERS AND

DIFFERENT TYPES.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY READ ALL ABOUT

THOSE INSIGHTS AND MORE IN THE

HELPFUL PAMPHLET, "GRANDDAD USED

TO SING: HOW TO RECOGNIZE

DEMENTIA IN LOVED ONES, AND WHEN

TO SAY GOODBYE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT WASN'T ALL BODY-SHAMING,

BOAT-SHAMING, AND WEIRD

TANGENTS, AS TRUMP ALSO

REPEATEDLY HINTED AT THE USE OF

TROOPS IN DEMOCRAT-RUN CITIES,

WITH LINES LIKE THIS:

>> WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO

SAN FRANCISCO, CHICAGO,

NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, THEY'RE

VERY UNSAFE PLACES, AND WE'RE

GOING TO STRAIGHTEN THEM OUT ONE

BY ONE.

AND THIS IS GOING TO BE A MAJOR

PART FOR SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN

THIS ROOM.

THAT'S A WAR, TOO.

IT'S A WAR FROM WITHIN.

>> John: OKAY, SET ASIDE JUST

HOW CHILLING THE PHRASE

"WAR FROM WITHIN" IS -- DID HE

SWALLOW A FISTFUL OF XANAX

BEFORE WALKING ON THAT STAGE?

[LAUGHTER]

HE HAS THE ENERGY LEVEL OF A CAT

WHO JUST WALKED INTO A SUNBEAM.

THAT BASICALLY SOUNDS LIKE CIVIL

WAR ASMR.

BUT, OBVIOUSLY, THREATENING

MILITARY ACTION AGAINST YOUR OWN

PEOPLE IS ALARMING, ESPECIALLY

GIVEN WE'VE ALREADY SEEN TROOPS

DEPLOYED TO L.A. AND D.C. THIS

YEAR, AND TRUMP'S NOW ORDERED

SIMILAR DEPLOYMENTS TO PORTLAND

AND MEMPHIS.

IN FACT, THE DAY AFTER THAT

SPEECH, HEGSETH WENT TO MEMPHIS,

AND STOOD BEHIND STEPHEN MILLER

AS HE BRAGGED ABOUT A RAMPED-UP

FEDERAL PRESENCE THERE, IN A

SPEECH THAT I'M SURE SOUNDED

TOUGH IN HIS HEAD.

>> YOU KNOW, THE GANGBANGERS YOU

DEAL WITH, THEY THINK THEY'RE

RUTHLESS?

THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW RUTHLESS

WE ARE.

THEY THINK THEY'RE TOUGH?

THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TOUGH WE

ARE.

THEY THINK THAT THEY'RE

HARDCORE?

WE ARE SO MUCH MORE HARDCORE

THAN THEY ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> John: WHAT A FUCKING LOSER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND, I GOTTA SAY -- AT THIS

POINT, WHITE SUPREMACISTS JUST

HAVE TO BE EMBARRASSED, RIGHT?

THIS IS YOUR CHAMPION RIGHT

HERE?

A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HE STILL

HAS A SOFT SPOT ON HIS SKULL?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, THE THING IS, IT'S MORE

THAN JUST TALK, BECAUSE YET

AGAIN THIS WEEK WE SAW

NAUSEATING FOOTAGE OF I.C.E.

RAIDS AROUND THE COUNTRY, WITH

PERHAPS THE WORST HAPPENING IN

CHICAGO, WHERE FEDERAL AGENTS

HANDCUFFED A CITY COUNCIL

MEMBER, TOSSED A TEAR GAS

CANISTER ONTO A BUSY STREET NEAR

A SCHOOL, AND RAIDED A WHOLE

APARTMENT BUILDING, TURNING

APARTMENTS UPSIDE DOWN.

AND THE DETAILS OF THAT RAID ARE

GROTESQUE.

>> NEIGHBORS TELL US THERE WERE

DOZENS OF I.C.E. AGENTS.

NEIGHBORS LIKE EBONI WATSON SAY

THEY DUCKED FOR COVER AS THEY

HEARD SEVERAL FLASH BANGS GO

OFF.

>> THEY WAS TERRIFIED, THE KIDS

WAS CRYING.

PEOPLE WERE SCREAMING.

THEY LOOKED VERY DISTRAUGHT.

AND I WAS OUT THERE CRYING WHEN

I SEEN THE LITTLE GIRL COME

AROUND THE CORNER, BECAUSE THEY

WAS BRINGING THE KIDS OUT, TOO,

HAD THEM ZIP-TIED TO EACH OTHER.

THAT'S ALL I KEPT ASKING:

WHERE'S THE MORALITY?

WHERE'S THE HUMAN?

ONE OF 'EM LITERALLY LAUGHED. HE

WAS STANDING RIGHT HERE, HE

SAID, "[BLEEP] THEM KIDS."

>> John: WOW, "FUCK THEM KIDS?"

THAT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE

COMING FROM A FEDERAL FUCKING

AGENT WHO HAS ZIP-TIED CHILDREN.

HONESTLY, THE ONLY PERSON WHO

MIGHT BE ALLOWED TO SAY

"FUCK THEM KIDS" UNDER THEIR

BREATH IS THE GUY WHO HAS TO

CLEAN THE PISS OUT OF THE

CHUCK E. CHEESE BALL PIT.

BUT ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE.

BUT, AS GRIM AS ALL THIS HAS

BEEN, THE ONE GLIMMER OF HOPE

HAS BEEN THE STRENGTH OF THE

PUSHBACK FROM LOCAL COMMUNITIES

AROUND THE COUNTRY.

THERE HAVE BEEN WIDESPREAD

PROTESTS AGAINST I.C.E., AND

SOME OF THEM VERY FUNNY -- FROM

SOMEONE DANCING IN A GIANT FROG

COSTUME OUTSIDE AN I.C.E.

DETENTION CENTER IN PORTLAND, TO

A PROTESTOR OUTSIDE CHICAGO

HOLDING UP THIS EXCELLENT SIGN,

WHICH READ "I FUCKED TWO OF YOU

ON GRINDR (PRETTY SURE)."

WHICH IS EXCELLENT.

[APPLAUSE]

THE ONLY WAY IT COULD POSSIBLY

BE BETTER IS IF THE

"PRETTY SURE" WAS ONLY BECAUSE

THE GUY COULDN'T REMEMBER IF IT

WAS GRINDR OR SCRUFF.

[LAUGHTER]

"I DEFINITELY FUCKED YOU AND

YOU, I JUST WANT TO BE ACCURATE

REGARDING HOW WE GOT THERE."

AND, IN ROCHESTER LAST MONTH,

I.C.E. CORNERED SOME MEN WORKING

ON A ROOF, AND WERE WAITING FOR

THEM TO COME DOWN TO ARREST

THEM.

BUT A LOCAL PASTOR WENT ON

SOCIAL MEDIA TO SUMMON PEOPLE TO

PROTEST, AND JUST WATCH WHAT

HAPPENED NEXT:

>> A CHAOTIC SCENE ON

WESTMINSTER ROAD TUESDAY MORNING

IN ROCHESTER, AS FEDERAL AGENTS

WERE CARRYING OUT AN I.C.E.

ENFORCEMENT AND REMOVAL

OPERATION.

>> THEY'RE HERE PUTTING ON A

ROOF, TRYING TO MAKE A DOLLAR,

AND PAYING TAXES ON THAT DOLLAR,

AND I.C.E. WAS HERE BOTHERING

THEM.

SO I CAME TO BOTHER I.C.E.

>> DETAILS FROM FEDERAL

AUTHORITIES ARE LIMITED, BUT OUR

CAMERAS CAPTURED A BORDER PATROL

VEHICLE AT THE SCENE WITH FLAT

TIRES.

IN RESPONSE TO THE LARGE CROWD,

AGENTS LEFT WESTMINSTER AND THE

SUV WAS TOWED A FEW BLOCKS AWAY.

>> [CROWD CHANTING]

HEY, HEY, HEY, GOODBYE!

[APPLAUSE]

>> John: PERFECT.

WELL DONE TO EVERYBODY INVOLVED.

AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT THAT

WOMAN SAID "I CAME TO BOTHER

I.C.E."

THAT SEEMS REASONABLE TO ME.

THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO BOTHER

I.C.E. AT THE STATE SANCTIONED

KIDNAPPING JOB.

IT'S ONLY FAIR.

THIS ADMINISTRATION IS CLEARLY

STILL HELL-BENT ON TRYING TO

INTIMIDATE COMMUNITIES WITH

SHOWS OF FORCE, WHICH IS WHY

IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO BE

MET WITH STRONG PUSHBACK EACH

AND EVERY TIME.

BECAUSE THIS ADMINISTRATION IS

OBSESSED WITH APPEARANCES.

AND, THE THING IS, THEY CAN

DRESS UP THEIR BUREAUCRATS AS

THE GRIM REAPER.

THEY CAN TAUNT "GANGBANGERS"

ABOUT BEING MORE "HARDCORE" THAN

THEY ARE.

THEY CAN KICK OUT ALL THE

BEARDOS AND FAT-SHAME OUR SHIPS.

BUT WHAT THEY CANNOT DO IS COVER

UP THE UGLINESS OF WHAT THEY'RE

DOING RIGHT NOW.

AND IT DESERVES TO BE PUSHED

BACK ON AND EXPOSED AT EVERY

AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY, BECAUSE

IF WE DON'T DO THAT, THEN --

MUCH LIKE TWO I.C.E. AGENTS

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE CHICAGO -- I'M

PRETTY SURE WE'RE FUCKED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW, THIS.

>> Announcer: AND NOW,

CONSERVATIVES ARE NOT HAPPY

ABOUT THE 2026 SUPER BOWL

HALFTIME PERFORMER.

>> BAD BUNNY AT THE SUPER BOWL

IS A VERY BAD IDEA.

>> FIRST I SHOULD'S CHAIR THAT

WHEN I TEXTED LARRY HE WROTE ME

BACK AND GOES, BUGS BUNNY?

AND NO, IT'S BAD BENNY.

>> A REMINDER, BAD BUNNY IS AN

OUTSPOKEN CRITIC OF I.C.E. AND

THE IT IS AMERICA'S PASTIME,

FOOTBALL, AND WE ARE GOING TO

HAVE THE HALFTIME PERFORMANCE IN

SPANISH?

>> IMAGINE IF BAD BENNY SANG ALL

OF HIS BAD BUNNY SONGS IN ARABIC

OR CHINESE OR RUSSIAN.

YOU THINK MAYBE THE STORY WOULD

GET A LITTLE MORE ATTENTION THAN

IT IS TODAY?

>> THEY CALL HIM THE KING OF THE

LATIN TRAP.

THE TRAP IS HIRING SOMEBODY WHO

IS PARTISAN AND WHO IS VERY DARK IMAGES AND VIDEOS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE

OF THIS VIDEO WHERE HE APPEARS

AS NOSE FOR TWO RED.

BAD BUNNY.

DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF BAD

BUNNY?

TECHNICALLY SHE IS.

>> WHO ARE WE GOING TO HAVE THIS

STOMACH NEXT YEAR, P. DIDDY?

>> I REMEMBER IN THE 1990s

THEY HAD A GREAT BIG 50TH

ANNIVERSARY OF SNOOPY AND

CHARLIE BROWN.

NOW WE HAVE THE BUNNY.

>> DO YOU THINK BAD BUNNY IS A

GOOD CHOICE FOR THE SUPER BOWL?

>> I'M NOT THAT KNOWLEDGEABLE

BUT IT SEEMS FUN I DON'T KNOW

WHY IT'S A BIG DEAL.

IT SEEMS LIKE A GREAT AMERICAN

ARTIST.

>> HE IS NOT AN AMERICAN ARTIST,

BUT...

>> HE'S PUERTO RICAN.

THAT'S PART OF AMERICA, TOO.

[APPLAUSE]

>> John: MOVING ON.

OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES -- VOTED

NUMBER ONE NICE LITTLE ACTIVITY

BY "RETIRED DADS QUARTERLY."

[LAUGHTER]

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES ARE

INCREDIBLE REPOSITORIES OF

DOCUMENTS, ARTIFACTS, AND

OCCASIONALLY, DISPLAYS LIKE THIS

ONE, AT THE REAGAN LIBRARY,

REALLY LAYING OUT THAT MAN'S

PRIORITIES:

>> YOU MIGHT KNOW THAT PRESIDENT

REAGAN ONCE SAID, "THERE IS

NOTHING AS GOOD FOR THE INSIDE

OF A MAN AS THE OUTSIDE OF A

HORSE."

WELL, THE EXHIBIT ABOUT

RANCHO DEL CIELO, THE RANCH IN

THE SKY, DESCRIBES HIS FEELINGS

ABOUT HIS BELOVED RANCH.

REAGAN ONCE SAID, "YOU LOOK AT

THE BEAUTY OF IT, AND GOD REALLY

DID SHED HIS GRACE ON AMERICA."

AND THERE'S A GALLERY ABOUT HIS

"SIDEKICK," AS HE CALLED HER --

MRS. REAGAN.

>> John: YEAH, APPARENTLY IT

GOES HORSE, THEN WIFE, THE WAY

GOD INTENDED.

AND, LOOK, MY POSITION ON HORSES

IS CLEAR, I THINK, BUT REAGAN'S

QUOTE, "THERE'S NOTHING AS GOOD

AS THE INSIDE OF A MAN IS THE

OUTSIDE OF A HORSE," MIGHT BE

THE DIRTIEST THING I'VE EVER

HEARD.

HE SHOULD'VE BEEN PUT ON A WATCH

LIST.

HE SHOULD'VE BEEN BANNED FROM

PETTING ZOOS AND

MERRY-GO-ROUNDS.

I SINCERELY HOPE THEY DON'T HAVE

HORSES IN HELL, BECAUSE THEY ARE

NOT SAFE.

BUT A WEIRD HORSE EXHIBIT IS

ACTUALLY PAR FOR THE COURSE --

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES OFTEN

HAVE EYE-CATCHING ARTIFACTS

DISPLAYED THROUGHOUT, FROM

GERALD FORD'S LETTER PARDONING

NIXON, TO THE MICROPHONE FDR

USED FOR HIS FIRESIDE CHATS.

AND SOME EVEN HOST EXHIBITS THAT

HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH AMERICAN

HISTORY, OR INDEED THE PRESIDENT

THEMSELVES, LIKE THIS ONE:

>> COME EXPERIENCE XTREME BUGS

AT THE CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL

CENTER, WHERE SPIDERS AND

LADYBUGS ARE AS BIG AS CARS.

BE TRANSPORTED INTO A NEW WORLD

THAT PUTS YOU UP CLOSE AND

PERSONAL WITH BIG,

LARGER-THAN-LIFE BUGS, ALL IN

THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

>> John: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD

ON -- IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT?

LOOK, I'M NO INSECT EXPERT,

DESPITE LOOKING LIKE I SPENT MY

HIGH SCHOOL YEARS COLLECTING

BUGS INSTEAD OF FRIENDS, BUT I'M

PRETTY SURE GIANT SPIDERS'

NATURAL HABITAT IS NOT A MUSEUM

DEDICATED TO BILL CLINTON.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S, AS WE ALL KNOW, ANY

NEW YORK RESTAURANT WITH A C

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH.

STILL, AS YOU'VE UNDOUBTEDLY

NOTICED, THE SUBJECT OF

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES HAS BEEN

IN THE NEWS A LOT LATELY,

PRIMARILY BECAUSE OF A FLURRY OF

DONATIONS TO TRUMP'S.

>> TONIGHT, A $16 MILLION

SETTLEMENT.

PARAMOUNT, THE PARENT COMPANY OF

CBS, ANNOUNCING IT WILL PAY

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S LEGAL FEES AND

GIVE MONEY TO HIS FUTURE

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS SIGNED AN

AGREEMENT WITH META TO SETTLE A

LAWSUIT THAT HE FILED AGAINST

THE COMPANY AND ITS CEO.

ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON, THE

SETTLEMENT TERMS ARE

$25 MILLION, WITH $22 MILLION OF

IT GOING TOWARD TRUMP'S FUTURE

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.

>> IN THE SETTLEMENT, ABC

AGREEING TO DONATE $15 MILLION

TO TRUMP'S PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.

>> John: RIGHT -- TRUMP'S

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY FOUNDATION

SEEMS TO BE THE PREFERRED

VEHICLE FOR WHAT I'M APPARENTLY

LEGALLY NOT ALLOWED TO CALL

"SHAKEDOWNS" OR "EXTORTION

ATTEMPTS," SO I WON'T.

IT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF MANY THINGS

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY, LIKE

THAT THE CHIPOTLE GUAC'S SECRET

INGREDIENT IS FROG JIZZ --

THAT'S WHY IT COSTS SO MUCH --

OR THAT I PERSONALLY BELIEVE

DOZENS OF MEN HAVE DIED ON THE

SET OF "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE"

MOVIES.

THERE'S JUST NO WAY TOM CRUISE

IS THE FIRST PERSON ATTEMPTING

THOSE STUNTS!

AND YOU KNOW SCIENTOLOGY'S

COVERING IT UP.

IF THEY CAN HIDE

SHELLY MISCAVIGE FOR 18 YEARS,

THEY CAN DEFINITELY BURY A FEW

HANDFULS OF STUNT MEN, NO

PROBLEM.

ANYWAY -- ALL OF THOSE ARE

THINGS I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY,

SO LET'S ALL AGREE: I DIDN'T.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, THE THING IS -- AS IS SO

OFTEN THE CASE -- TRUMP'S MERELY

LAYING BARE A SYSTEM THAT'S

ACTUALLY BEEN PROBLEMATIC ALL

ALONG.

BECAUSE WHILE PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARIES ENJOY THE REPUTATION

OF BEING ESTEEMED GUARDIANS OF

HISTORY, THE TRUTH IS THEY'VE

ALWAYS BEEN BOTH A LITTLE MORE,

AND A LITTLE LESS, THAN THAT.

SO, GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT LET'S

TALK ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARIES -- WHAT THEY ACTUALLY

ARE, WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THEM,

AND WHY TRUMP MAY BE ABOUT TO

SUPERCHARGE THE PROBLEMS THEY

CAN CAUSE.

AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT

THAT THE VERY TERM "LIBRARY" IS

A BIT OF A MISNOMER.

IN FACT, HERE'S HARRY TRUMAN A

FEW YEARS AFTER HIS OPENED,

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT:

>> THIS LIBRARY IS NOT A

LIBRARY.

IT'S AN ARCHIVES BUILDING WITH

THE IDEA OF KEEPING THE RECORDS

OF THE GOVERNMENT IN AN ORDERLY

MANNER.

THE OBJECTIVE IS TO OBTAIN

MICROFILM REPORTS ON ALL THE

PRESIDENTIAL PAPERS.

IT'LL TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO GET

THAT DONE, BUT WHEN YOU DO GET

IT DONE, THIS PLACE WILL BE THE

CENTER OF THE STUDY OF THE

PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> John: YEAH, THAT'S BASICALLY

IT.

AND, BY THE WAY, REMEMBER WHEN

PRESIDENTS WERE BORING?

[LAUGHTER]

IT ALMOST FEELS STRANGE TO WATCH

A CLIP OF ONE WITHOUT THE FEAR

HE'S GOING TO THROW IN A SLUR OR

ARGUE THAT JOY BEHAR SHOULD BE

IMPRISONED.

BACK THEN, PRESIDENTS KEPT THEIR

RACISM AND SEXISM AWAY FROM THE

CAMERAS AND JUST PUT THEM IN

THEIR POLICIES.

IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, LIKE TRUMAN JUST SAID,

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES AREN'T

LIBRARIES IN THE TRADITIONAL

SENSE, IN THAT YOU CAN COME AND

CHECK BOOKS OUT.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY TWO THINGS

FUSED TOGETHER: ARCHIVES

CONTAINING THE OFFICIAL RECORDS

FROM A PRESIDENCY FOR

RESEARCHERS AND SCHOLARS, AND A

MUSEUM SHOWCASING THAT

PRESIDENCY FOR VARIOUS VISITING

DADS AND BORED SCHOOL KIDS WHO

ALREADY WENT TO THE PLANETARIUM

LAST YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

WAS ESTABLISHED BY FDR, WHO

WANTED A PLACE TO HOUSE THE

PRESIDENTIAL PAPERS AND GIFTS

ACCUMULATED DURING HIS

ADMINISTRATION.

BEFORE THEN, WHEN A PRESIDENT'S

TERM ENDED, HE'D LEAVE THE WHITE

HOUSE WITH ALL HIS RECORDS, MANY

OF WHICH ENDED UP DESTROYED.

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WERE

APPARENTLY "EXTENSIVELY

MUTILATED BY RATS."

MOST OF WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON'S

SUCCUMBED TO FLAMES WHEN HIS LOG

CABIN BURNED DOWN.

AND CHESTER ARTHUR'S SON HAD

MOST OF HIS FATHER'S PAPERS

BURNED IN THREE GARBAGE CANS.

AND IF YOU AUTOMATICALLY KNEW

CHESTER ARTHUR WAS THE 21ST

PRESIDENT AND NOT THE NAME OF A

SNACK FOOD CHARACTER,

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE OUR

EXACT AUDIENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

THE POINT IS, AFTER FDR,

PRESIDENTS BEGAN GIFTING THEIR

RECORDS TO THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT TO BE HOUSED IN

LIBRARIES, AND THAT'S A GOOD

THING -- AMONG OTHER REASONS,

IT'S WHY WE HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE

AUDIO OF LBJ CALLING THE HEAD OF

THE COMPANY THAT MADE HIS

TROUSERS WITH A CUSTOM REQUEST.

>> THE CROTCH, DOWN WHERE YOUR

NUTS HANG, IS ALWAYS A LITTLE

TOO TIGHT.

SO, WHEN YOU MAKE 'EM UP, GIVE

ME AN INCH THAT I CAN LET OUT

THERE, BECAUSE THEY CUT ME.

IT'S JUST LIKE RIDING A WIRE

FENCE.

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME

ABOUT AN INCH FROM WHERE THE

ZIPPER -- [HUGE BELCH] ENDS

ROUND UNDER MY -- BACK TO MY

BUNGHOLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> John: THAT IS JUST EXCELLENT.

WE'VE PLAYED THAT CLIP BEFORE,

AND WE'LL PLAY IT AGAIN.

NOT ONLY DOES HE BURP IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE CALL LIKE A MAN

WHOSE NUTS HAVEN'T BREATHED IN

YEARS, BUT EVERY TIME I HEAR IT

I'M FORCED TO WONDER -- JUST HOW

BIG WERE LBJ'S BALLS?

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, JUST IN TERMS OF

FRUIT -- ARE WE TALKING PLUMS OR

POMELOS?

KIWIS OR MANGOS?

CLEMENTINES OR BIG HONKIN' NAVEL

ORANGES?

IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND

ASK LBJ ONE QUESTION, IT'D BE,

"DID YOU PUT OUT THE HIT ON

JFK?"

BUT IF I COULD ASK TWO, I'D SAY,

"IF WE'RE MEASURING

CIRCUMFERENCE, DO WE NEED INCHES

OR FEET?"

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, INITIALLY THE HANDOVER OF

RECORDS WAS VOLUNTARY, BUT AFTER

NIXON TRIED TO ENSURE ACCESS TO

AUDIO TAPES FROM HIS PRESIDENCY

WOULD BE LIMITED TO HIMSELF, AND

LAID PLANS THAT THEY'D BE

DESTROYED AT SOME POINT,

CONGRESS MADE IT MANDATORY,

CODIFYING INTO LAW THAT

PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS BELONG TO

THE PUBLIC AND ARE TO BE TURNED

OVER AT THE END OF THEIR TERM,

TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE NATIONAL

ARCHIVES AND RECORDS

ADMINISTRATION, OR N.A.R.A.

AND IT'S THEN THE LIBRARY

ARCHIVISTS' JOBS TO CATALOGUE

EVERYTHING, WHICH IS NO SMALL

FEAT, BECAUSE "RECORDS" DOESN'T

JUST MEAN PAPERS AND EMAILS.

IT CAN MEAN ALL KINDS OF SHIT,

AS THIS CLINTON LIBRARY EMPLOYEE

EXPLAINS:

>> YOU CAN FIND FINE ART IN A

BOX.

YOU CAN OPEN UP A BOX AND FIND

HEAD OF STATE GIFTS THAT ARE A

THOUSAND YEARS OLD.

YOU CAN FIND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING

WHEN YOU OPEN UP A BOX.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE EVERY DAY'S

CHRISTMAS.

>> MANY OF THE GIFTS WERE SENT

TO PRESIDENT CLINTON BY THE

PUBLIC, INCLUDING A STATUE OF

AMERICAN BASKETBALL STAR

MICHAEL JORDAN.

>> THIS IS SOMETHING THAT

SOMEONE THOUGHT THE PRESIDENT

WOULD LIKE TO HAVE, AND SENT IT

OFF TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> John: YEAH, SOMEONE THOUGHT

PRESIDENT CLINTON WOULD LIKE TO

HAVE THAT STATUE OF

MICHAEL JORDAN.

A SCULPTURAL RENDERING OF

HIS AIRNESS, SOARING OVER...

I WANT TO SAY THE CHARRED

REMAINS OF HIS ENEMIES?

[LAUGHTER]

AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?

CONGRATS TO THAT PERSON.

THEIR GIFT ENDED UP IN A PLACE

OF HONOR -- SPECIFICALLY, IN AN

INDUSTRIAL-SIZED FILE CABINET

BEING LIGHTLY GROPED BY A WOMAN

WITH THE MOST

"ARCHIVAL LIBRARIAN" ENERGY I'VE

EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, PRESENT

COMPANY EXCEPTED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, AGAIN, THE ARCHIVES ARE

JUST ONE PART OF A PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARY -- MOST OF ITS PHYSICAL

STRUCTURE IS A MUSEUM DEDICATED

TO THAT PRESIDENT'S LIFE AND

HISTORY.

IF YOU'VE BEEN TO ONE, THAT'S

PROBABLY WHAT YOU WALKED

THROUGH.

BUT IT'S WORTH UNDERSTANDING HOW

BOTH HALVES, THE ARCHIVES AND

THE MUSEUM, INTERACT, AND HOW

THEY CAME TO BE SET UP IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

AND THE FIRST THING TO

UNDERSTAND IS THAT THESE

BUILDINGS AREN'T PUBLICLY

FUNDED.

IN FACT, HERE'S JIMMY CARTER AT

THE DEDICATION CEREMONY FOR

GEORGE H.W. BUSH'S LIBRARY,

DESCRIBING HOW IT WORKS:

>> AS MANY OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW,

ALL THE FUNDS THAT ARE INVESTED

IN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES, NONE

OF IT COMES FROM THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT.

WE HAVE TO RAISE THE MONEY, AND

THEN TURN OVER THE LIBRARY TO

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

>> John: HE'S RIGHT.

IF A PRESIDENT WANTS A

LIBRARY -- AND THEY ALL DO --

THEY HAVE TO RAISE THE MONEY

THEMSELVES.

IT'S ONE OF THE MANY QUIRKS OF

BEING A PRESIDENT, ALONGSIDE THE

FACT THAT, IF THE FIRST LADY

DIES IN OFFICE, YOU HAVE TO

REMARRY THE WHITE HOUSE EASTER

BUNNY.

THAT'S TRUE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION.

SO, TO PAY FOR THEIR LIBRARIES,

PRESIDENTS HAVE TRADITIONALLY

CREATED PRIVATE FOUNDATIONS THAT

RAISE MONEY FROM A VARIETY OF

SOURCES, BUILD AND EQUIP THE

LIBRARIES, AND THEN EVENTUALLY

DONATE THEM TO THE GOVERNMENT

EITHER THROUGH DEED OR LEASE.

NOW, ONCE THAT HAPPENS, BY AND

LARGE, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

PAYS TO RUN THEM AND FEDERAL

EMPLOYEES OPERATE THEM.

AND THAT'S NOT CHEAP, BY THE

WAY -- THE GOVERNMENT SPENDS

AROUND $100 MILLION A YEAR

OPERATING, MAINTAINING, AND

IMPROVING THESE LIBRARIES,

WHETHER THAT'S REPAIR WORK TO A

BUILDING'S FACADE OR, IN THE

CASE OF THE LBJ MUSEUM IN TEXAS,

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE

INTIMATE:

>> THOUGH IT IS IN AN AREA NOW

CLOSED TO VISITORS, THE

ANIMATRONIC LBJ STILL WORKS.

>> EVERYONE LOVES THE

ANIMATRONIC LBJ.

EVERYONE CAN RELATE TO IT.

PEOPLE ENJOY HUMOR.

>> IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS, THOUGH,

THE HALF-FASCINATING,

HALF-CREEPY LBJ WILL BE TAKEN

APART AND MOVED.

STEP ONE...

>> IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TAKING

HIS CLOTHES OFF.

>> John: WHOA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T DO THAT IN FRONT OF US!

NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE AN

ANIMATRONIC LBJ STRIPPED DOWN TO

HIS SOFTBALL-SIZED NUTS AND

BUNGHOLE.

[LAUGHTER]

REST IN PEACE, LBJ.

YOU'D HAVE CRUSHED ON ONLYFANS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THIS WEIRD PUBLIC-PRIVATE

PARTNERSHIP -- WHERE THE LIBRARY

GETS BUILT BY A PRESIDENT AND

HIS FOUNDATION, THEN OPERATED BY

THE GOVERNMENT -- MEANS THE LINE

BETWEEN "SHRINE" AND

"OFFICIAL ARCHIVE" CAN GET

UNHELPFULLY BLURRY, ESPECIALLY

BECAUSE THOSE FOUNDATIONS ARE

OFTEN RUN BY THE PRESIDENTS'

FAMILY AND FRIENDS, WHO OFTEN

THEN HELP TO PERSONALLY CURATE

THE EXHIBITS.

AND WHAT THAT MEANS IS, ON THE

MUSEUM SIDE OF THINGS --

ESPECIALLY WHEN A LIBRARY FIRST

OPENS -- EXHIBITS CAN BE

EXTREMELY ONE-SIDED.

TAKE THE REAGAN LIBRARY, WHICH

HAS BEEN CALLED "A GRACELAND FOR

CONSERVATIVES."

IT FEATURES EVERYTHING FROM

AN ACTUAL PLANE THAT SERVED AS

AIR FORCE ONE, TO A SECTION OF

THE BERLIN WALL, TO AN IRISH PUB

THE REAGANS ONCE VISITED, WHICH

WAS PURCHASED BY THE REAGAN

FOUNDATION AND RECREATED AS A

PLACE TO SELL SNACKS, COMPLETE

WITH THE BOTTLE, GLASSES, AND

PART OF THE BAR THE REAGANS ONCE

TOUCHED, UNDER RELIQUARY-LIKE

GLASS.

AND, LOOK, I'M NOT SURPRISED

THAT THE ACTOR PRESIDENT TURNED

HIS LIBRARY INTO "WHAT IF PLANET

HOLLYWOOD BUT WITH MORE

GORBACHEV," BUT "RONNY R. AND

HIS SIDEKICK WIFE TOUCHED THIS

PIECE OF WOOD WHILE HAVING A

BEER AND IGNORING AIDS" FEELS A

BIT MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, THE THING IS, WHEN IT COMES

TO ONE OF THE BIGGEST SCANDALS

OF REAGAN'S PRESIDENCY,

IRAN-CONTRA -- WHEN THE MUSEUM

FIRST OPENED, AND FOR YEARS

AFTERWARD, IT DIDN'T MENTION IT

AT ALL.

AND THAT'S NOT A ONE-OFF.

ON THE DAY CLINTON'S LIBRARY

OPENED, IT BECAME CLEAR THERE

WERE SOME PRETTY SIGNIFICANT

EDITORIAL CHOICES MADE.

>> FOR ALL OF

PRESIDENT CLINTON'S FANS WHO

BRAVED THE WEATHER TODAY, HE

CERTAINLY HAS HIS CRITICS, AND

THEY COMPLAIN THE NEW LIBRARY

GIVES LITTLE ATTENTION TO THE

IMPEACHMENT SCANDAL THAT

DOMINATED CLINTON'S SECOND TERM.

INSIDE THE MUSEUM, JUST ONE

ALCOVE DEALS WITH IMPEACHMENT

AND CHARACTERIZES IT AS A

STRUGGLE FOR POWER.

MOST OF THE BUILDING IS FILLED

WITH PICTURES AND MEMORABILIA

FROM MORE ACCOMPLISHED AND

HAPPIER TIMES.

>> John: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

DOESN'T IT?

IF YOU ASKED ANY RANDO ON THE

STREET TO NAME SOMETHING THAT

DEFINED CLINTON'S PRESIDENCY,

THEY'D SAY: "OOH, PROBABLY

BASEBALL.

THAT GUY LOVED BASEBALLS, TO A

GENUINE FAULT.

IF I REMEMBER, HIS LOVE OF

BASEBALL ALMOST DERAILED HIS

PRESIDENCY."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THAT PATTERN CONTINUED WITH

GEORGE W. BUSH'S MUSEUM, WHERE A

HISTORIAN POINTED OUT THAT A

DISPLAY ABOUT THE IRAQ WAR

BOLDLY CLAIMS "NO STOCKPILES OF

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ARE

FOUND, ALTHOUGH IRAQ'S

WMD-RELATED PROGRAM ACTIVITIES

ARE STILL A THREAT."

WHICH IS A BIG OL' SWING TO

TAKE.

AT THAT POINT YOU'D ALMOST BE

BETTER OFF JUST HAVING THE WHOLE

IRAQ WAR SECTION BE A GIANT SIGN

READING "OOPS!"

AT LEAST THAT'D BE HISTORICALLY

HONEST.

BUT PERHAPS THE MOST EXTREME

CASE OF WHITEWASHING WAS AT

NIXON'S LIBRARY, WHICH INITIALLY

OPENED WITHOUT A PARTNERSHIP

WITH THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES.

WHEN THE LIBRARY FIRST OPENED,

IT TAUGHT VISITORS THAT

WATERGATE WAS A COUP

ORCHESTRATED BY THE MEDIA AND

DEMOCRATIC ELITES, THAT THE

ENEMIES LIST WAS THE PRODUCT OF

A ROGUE PRESIDENTIAL STAFFER,

AND THAT NIXON DIDN'T DO

ANYTHING HIS PREDECESSORS HADN'T

DONE EXCEPT GET CAUGHT.

AND JUST SET ASIDE HOW

AHISTORICAL THAT IS -- WHY WOULD

YOU WANT THAT TO BE YOUR LEGACY?

"YEAH, I WAS A CRIMINAL, BUT SO

WAS EVERYONE ELSE.

IT'S JUST THAT I WAS ALSO

EMBARRASSINGLY BAD AT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I SHOULD SAY THE NIXON

LIBRARY DID EVENTUALLY GET

FOLDED INTO THE NATIONAL

ARCHIVES, AND THEIR WATERGATE

EXHIBIT IS NOW MORE ACCURATE,

THOUGH IT'S ALSO WORTH POINTING

OUT THE NIXON FOUNDATION

APPARENTLY TRIED TO PRESSURE THE

NATIONAL ARCHIVES TO FIRE THE

LIBRARY DIRECTOR BEFORE HE COULD

FINISH UPDATING THAT EXHIBIT.

AND THE FACT PRESIDENTS CAN

EXERT A HEAVY INFLUENCE OVER

EXHIBITS IS SO WELL-KNOWN THAT

THE FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE

HERBERT HOOVER LIBRARY HAD A

PRETTY GRIM PIECE OF ADVICE, IF

YOU'RE PLANNING TO VISIT ANY

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY:

>> PEOPLE GENERALLY GO, THOUGH,

INITIALLY TO THE LIBRARY AS SOON

AS IT'S OPENED, AND THEN DON'T

RETURN AGAIN.

I TELL PEOPLE, WAIT 25 YEARS, IF

YOU'VE GOT 25 YEARS.

>> John: YEAH, THAT'S BOTH

A LITTLE DEPRESSING, AND MIGHT

BE THE WORST ADVERTISING

CAMPAIGN I'VE EVER HEARD.

"THIS'LL GET GOOD IN 25 YEARS"

ISN'T WHAT YOU SAY TO PROMOTE A

BUSINESS.

IF ANYTHING, IT'S WHAT YOU SAY

TO REASSURE BRAND-NEW PARENTS.

"LOOK, JUST GIVE IT 25 YEARS.

THEN IT GETS KIND OF FUN!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE'S RIGHT -- PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARIES DO TEND TO EVOLVE OVER

TIME.

FDR'S HAS WORKED TO UPDATE THEIR

MESSAGE ON THE HOLOCAUST,

DESCRIBING HIS SLOWNESS TO ADMIT

JEWISH REFUGEES UNTIL LATE IN

THE WAR, AND RECKONING WITH HIS

INTERNMENT OF JAPANESE

AMERICANS.

AND TRUMAN'S UNDERWENT A HUGE

UPDATE, AND NOW ENCOURAGES

VISITORS TO ENGAGE IN A DEBATE

OVER THE QUESTION, "IF YOU WERE

PRESIDENT TRUMAN IN 1945, WOULD

YOU HAVE DROPPED THE BOMB?"

WHICH IS A FUN LITTLE DISCUSSION

FOR A FAMILY TO HAVE, AND LIKELY

TO RESULT IN AN AWKWARD DRIVE

HOME AFTER DAD ADMITS HE'D HAVE

DROPPED MORE AND BIGGER BOMBS.

SO THAT'S THE MUSEUM HALF OF THE

LIBRARIES, BUT REMEMBER --

THERE'S ALSO THE ARCHIVE HALF.

AND WHILE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

SEPARATE, EX-PRESIDENTS CAN

EXERT A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF

CONTROL THERE, TOO, BECAUSE

THEIR FOUNDATIONS GET TO CONSULT

ON THE LIBRARY'S FIRST DIRECTOR,

AND CAN EFFECTIVELY VETO ANYONE

THEY DON'T LIKE.

AND THAT PERSON ALSO GETS TO

OVERSEE THE ARCHIVES SIDE, WHICH

IS A BIG DEAL BECAUSE, BY LAW,

ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS FROM A

PRESIDENCY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

REQUESTABLE BY THE PUBLIC

FIVE YEARS AFTER THEIR TERM

ENDS.

BUT, AS A PRACTICAL MATTER,

THAT'S BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR

THEM TO DO.

FUNDING FOR THE NATIONAL

ARCHIVES HAS REMAINED STAGNANT

FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS, WHICH, AS

THIS ARCHIVIST EXPLAINS, HAS LED

TO AN ENORMOUS BACKLOG:

>> WHEN THAT 5-YEAR WINDOW HITS,

ALMOST IMMEDIATELY WE HAVE A

BACKLOG OF THOUSANDS OF F.O.I.A.

REQUESTS THAT WE CAN'T POSSIBLY

RESPOND TO WITHIN THE TEN DAYS

UNDER THE FREEDOM OF INFORMATION

ACT.

>> John: YEAH, HE'S RIGHT, AND

HE'S ACTUALLY MASSIVELY

UNDERSTATING THINGS THERE.

BECAUSE, WHEN IT COMES TO

REAGAN, BUSH, AND CLINTON'S

RECORDS, THE GOVERNMENT

ESTIMATED IN 2007 THAT THEY

WOULDN'T BE FULLY OPEN AND

ACCESSIBLE FOR 100 YEARS, AND AT

THAT POINT NO ONE'S GOING TO

HAVE TIME TO ANALYZE REAGAN'S

PAPERS.

WE'LL ALL BE TOO BUSY DEALING

WITH THE FALLOUT OF

WORLD WAR IV, PRESUMABLY

LAUNCHED BY PRESIDENT BEAST.

ALTHOUGH, DON'T WORRY, DON'T

WORRY, THE VIDEO OF HIM

LAUNCHING THE NUKES DID DO

NUMBERS, SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD

NEWS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THOSE MASSIVE BACKLOGS MEAN

THE LIBRARY DIRECTOR HAS A HUGE

AMOUNT OF POWER WHEN IT COMES TO

THE ORDER IN WHICH DOCUMENTS GET

REVIEWED TO BE RELEASED, AS THEY

CAN CHOOSE TO FRONT-LOAD THE

SUBJECTS THAT MAKE A PRESIDENT

LOOK GOOD AND DELAY THE ONES

THAT ARE LESS FLATTERING.

AND, BEFORE ANY GET RELEASED,

THE FORMER PRESIDENT GETS

NOTIFIED AND HAS THE CHANCE TO

OBJECT, WHICH IS A LOT OF POWER.

BECAUSE IF YOU TOLD ME

"EVERYTHING ON YOUR LAPTOP IS

GOING TO BE RELEASED OVER THE

NEXT 100 YEARS, AND YOU GET TO

DECIDE THE ORDER," I'M GOING TO

RELEASE THE SCRIPTS FROM THIS

SHOW FIRST, AND MY EROTIC

"WALLACE AND GROMIT" FAN FICTION

LONG AFTER I'M DEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

SO, IT'S PRETTY CLEAR: WHEN IT

COMES TO THEIR LIBRARIES,

PRESIDENTS GET TO HEAVILY THUMB

THE SCALE OF HISTORY, BOTH IN

TERMS OF THE EXHIBITS YOU CAN

SEE AND THE DOCUMENTS YOU CAN'T.

BUT THERE'S ONE MORE BIG ISSUE

HERE, BECAUSE REMEMBER:

AS CARTER MENTIONED, PRESIDENTS

ARE GENERALLY THE ONES RAISING

MONEY FOR THESE BUILDINGS, AND

IT'S NOT A SMALL AMOUNT.

OVER TIME, LIBRARIES HAVE GOTTEN

SIGNIFICANTLY MORE EXPENSIVE.

FDR'S COST ABOUT $5 MILLION IN

TODAY'S DOLLARS.

CLINTON'S COST $165 MILLION,

GEORGE W. BUSH'S COST

$327 MILLION, AND THE UPCOMING

OBAMA PRESIDENTIAL CENTER IN

CHICAGO IS ESTIMATED AT AROUND

$830 MILLION.

AND I DO HOPE AT LEAST PART OF

THAT MONEY HAS GONE TO ACQUIRING

THE RIGHTS TO THE SINGLE BEST

TEN SECONDS OF TV I'VE EVER

SEEN:

>> BARACK OBAMA, IT WILL ALMOST

BE AN HONOR TO KILL YOU.

[GROWLS]

>> John: YEP.

[LAUGHTER]

YEP.

THAT IS A PSYCHIC GORILLA WHO

GOES BACK IN TIME TO TRY TO KILL

A YOUNG BARACK OBAMA.

IT'S A SCENE FROM

"LEGENDS OF TOMORROW," AND I'D

ARGUE THAT OBAMA'S PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARY WOULD BE INCOMPLETE

WITHOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE THING ABOUT FUNDRAISING

FOR THESE LIBRARIES IS THERE ARE

BASICALLY NO RULES AROUND IT.

WELL, TO BE FAIR, THERE IS ONE

RULE: REGISTERED LOBBYISTS HAVE

TO DISCLOSE DONATIONS OVER $200,

BUT THAT'S THE END OF THE RULES,

AND THAT THROWS THE DOOR WIDE

OPEN FOR CORRUPTION.

BECAUSE, WHILE STILL IN OFFICE,

PRESIDENTS CAN SOLICIT UNLIMITED

LIBRARY FOUNDATION DONATIONS

FROM ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY ON EARTH

INCLUDING FOREIGN NATIONALS,

INDIVIDUALS SEEKING PRESIDENTIAL

PARDONS, AND CORPORATIONS WITH

FEDERAL CONTRACTS.

AND THIS CLEARLY INCENTIVIZES A

PRESIDENT TO FUNDRAISE WHILE IN

OFFICE, SINCE THAT'S WHEN THEY

HAVE THE MOST POLITICAL CACHET.

AND SINCE MOST PRESIDENTIAL

FOUNDATIONS ENJOY TAX-EXEMPT

STATUS, IT'S A PRETTY COMPELLING

OFFER FOR DONORS.

ALL OF WHICH OPENS UP A HOST OF

PROBLEMS, UP TO AND INCLUDING

ACCUSATIONS OF BRIBERY.

THIS HAS BEEN AN ISSUE FOR

DECADES NOW.

BILL CLINTON CAUGHT A LOT OF

HEAT AT THE END OF HIS

PRESIDENCY AFTER HE DID THIS:

>> AMONG HIS LAST ACTS, HE

PARDONED BILLIONAIRE FUGITIVE

MARC RICH.

A MAN WHO NEVER STOOD TRIAL IS

NOW CLEARED FOR CRIMES THAT

COULD'VE MEANT 300 YEARS IN

PRISON.

THAT'S RICH'S EX-WIFE, DENISE,

HUGGING AND KISSING THE

CLINTONS.

SHE'S A NEW YORK SOCIALITE WHO'S

DONATED MORE THAN A MILLION

DOLLARS TO DEMOCRATS.

>> THANK YOU, DENISE.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE

DONE TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR

HILLARY AND ME TO SERVE.

>> John: OKAY, THANKS TO DENISE

ASIDE, CAN WE JUST TALK FOR A

SECOND ABOUT THIS FUCKING PHOTO?

THIS MAN LOOKS LIKE

"THE GODFATHER" CONCEPT ART.

I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE CERTAIN

IN MY LIFE THAT SOMEONE WAS

UNDESERVING OF A PRESIDENTIAL

PARDON THAN IN THE 3 HUMAN

SECONDS THAT PHOTO WAS ON

SCREEN.

AND THE DETAILS IN THAT CASE ARE

PRETTY DAMNING -- MARC RICH HAD

FLED TO SWITZERLAND 17 YEARS

BEFORE, AFTER HE WAS INDICTED ON

MORE THAN 50 COUNTS OF WIRE

FRAUD, RACKETEERING, TRADING

WITH IRAN DURING AN EMBARGO,

AND EVADING MORE THAN

$48 MILLION IN INCOME TAXES.

AND LET ME REITERATE: HE FLED.

THIS MAN WAS A FUGITIVE!

HE WASN'T IN THE U.S. FIGHTING

TO CLEAR HIS NAME, HE NOPED THE

FUCK OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT CLINTON PARDONED HIM, WHICH,

AS MANY POINTED OUT AT THE TIME,

CAME HOT ON THE HEELS OF A

$450,000 DONATION FROM DENISE

TO -- GUESS WHAT?

THE CLINTON LIBRARY FOUNDATION.

AND, LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THE

RUNAWAY BILLIONAIRE FUNNELED

BRIBE MONEY THROUGH HIS EX-WIFE

TO THE CLINTONS IN EXCHANGE FOR

IMMUNITY.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT I AM SAYING IS, IF SOMEONE

WERE TO DO THAT, WHAT DO YOU

THINK THAT INDIVIDUAL WOULD LOOK

LIKE?

AND WOULD THEY LOOK SOMETHING

LIKE THIS?

I'M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, I SHOULD SAY: NOT EVERY

PRESIDENT'S DONE THIS.

TO HIS CREDIT, OBAMA ESCHEWED

DIRECTLY SOLICITING LIBRARY

DONATIONS WHILE IN OFFICE AND

VOLUNTARILY DISCLOSED DONATIONS

THAT HE RECEIVED.

BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT,

AND THAT'S KIND OF THE PROBLEM

HERE, BECAUSE ALL THIS BRINGS US

BACK TO DONALD TRUMP, WHO IS NOW

SET TO AMPLIFY EVERY SINGLE

PROBLEM I'VE DESCRIBED SO FAR.

BECAUSE PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES

SEEM ALMOST DESIGNED TO EXPLOIT

HIS EVERY PERSONAL FAILING --

FROM HIS TENDENCY TO OBFUSCATE

HIS WRONGDOING, TO HIS DESIRE TO

BUILD EXPENSIVE MONUMENTS TO

HIMSELF, TO A SET OF ETHICAL

GUIDELINES BASED MORE IN NORMS

THAN LAW.

BECAUSE, THE FACT IS, AS THINGS

STAND RIGHT NOW, SOMEONE COULD

WALK UP TO TRUMP WITH A

$15 MILLION CHECK, HAND IT TO

HIM WHILE SAYING "WE LOVE THE

WORK YOU'RE DOING AND HOPE

YOU'LL CONSIDER HELPING US OUT

WITH THAT LITTLE PROBLEM WE WERE

DISCUSSING EARLIER," AND AS LONG

AS THAT CHECK SAID "PAY TO THE

ORDER OF THE DONALD J. TRUMP

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

FOUNDATION," IT'D BE COMPLETELY

LEGAL.

THOUGH, DON'T WORRY -- WHAT

SOULLESS, ETHICALLY BANKRUPT,

ASS-KISSING CORPORATION WOULD

EVEN THINK OF DOING SOMETHING

LIKE THAT?

[APPLAUSE]

PLEASE STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM

US.

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL BUSINESS

DADDY, AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE LEGAL SETTLEMENTS WE

KNOW ABOUT ARE BAD ENOUGH, BUT

THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE

MONEY INVOLVED.

FUNDS LEFT OVER FROM THE

$239 MILLION RAISED BY THE

TRUMP-VANCE INAUGURAL COMMITTEE,

INCLUDING MILLIONS FROM TECH

COMPANIES AND CEOs, ARE ALSO

EXPECTED TO BE REDIRECTED TO

TRUMP'S LIBRARY.

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN GETTING INTO

THE $400 MILLION PLANE GIVEN TO

TRUMP BY QATAR -- WHICH IS ALSO

SLATED TO BE TRANSFERRED TO THE

TRUMP LIBRARY SHORTLY BEFORE HE

LEAVES OFFICE -- AND THAT GIFT

IS BEING FLOWN DIRECTLY THROUGH

THE LIBRARY LOOPHOLE.

>> THE CONSTITUTION PROHIBITS

ANYONE HOLDING FEDERAL OFFICE

FROM ACCEPTING A PERSONAL GIFT

FROM A FOREIGN HEAD OF STATE,

BUT SOURCES SAY ATTORNEY GENERAL

PAM BONDI HAS CONCLUDED THAT

THIS GIFT IS

"LEGALLY PERMISSIBLE BECAUSE THE

PLANE IS NOT BEING GIVEN TO AN

INDIVIDUAL, BUT RATHER TO THE

U.S. AIR FORCE, AND THEN TO

DONALD TRUMP'S FOUNDATION."

>> John: OH, COME ON.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN HERE.

HE'S GOING TO USE THAT PLANE

WHILE IN OFFICE, AND THEN,

INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT FOR THE

NEXT PRESIDENT TO USE, HE IS

GOING TO KEEP IT FOR HIS LIBRARY

AND SUDDENLY DISCOVER HE HAS A

LOT OF "LIBRARY-RELATED"

BUSINESS TO DO ALL OVER THE

WORLD.

IT'S JUST COMPLETELY INEVITABLE,

KINDA LIKE HOW, AFTER TRUMP

LEAVES OFFICE, PETE HEGSETH WILL

GET HIS OWN FOX NEWS SHOW,

KAROLINE LEAVITT WILL GO ON

"DANCING WITH THE STARS" AND GET

VOTED OFF AFTER TWO WEEKS, AND

STEPHEN MILLER WILL RETURN TO

THE COCOON THAT HE EMERGED FROM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE ALL KNOW THESE THINGS ARE

GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND WHILE TECHNICALLY TRUMP

DOING THAT COULD BE PERCEIVED AS

LEGALLY DICEY, THE MAIN

ENFORCEMENT BODY FOR ALL OF THIS

WOULD BE THE IRS, WHICH TRUMP'S

ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN GUTTING

TO A SHELL OF ITS FORMER SELF.

SO I'D SAY THE ODDS OF HIM

GETTING AWAY WITH IT LOOK PRETTY

HIGH.

AND IT DOES SEEM NOTABLE THAT

TRUMP WAS GIVEN A $400 MILLION

PLANE BY QATAR, AND THEN JUST

THIS WEEK, OUT OF NOWHERE, HE

ISSUED AN E.O. DECLARING ANY

ATTACK ON QATAR WOULD BE TREATED

AS A THREAT TO U.S. SECURITY.

AND I'M NOT SAYING THE U.S.

MILITARY SHOULD BE FOR SALE, BUT

IT SURE FEELS LIKE QATAR JUST

BOUGHT IT AWFULLY CHEAP.

IN FACT, I'LL SAY THE SAME THING

ABOUT TRUMP THAT I ONCE SAID

ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN TURNING UP

FOR A CHARMIN TOILET PAPER

EVENT.

THEY SIMPLY DIDN'T PAY YOU

ENOUGH TO DO AS MUCH AS YOU'RE

DOING FOR THEM.

THE POINT IS, OUR WHOLE

PRIVATE-PUBLIC SETUP FOR

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES HAS

RESULTED IN A BUNCH OF

SHRINE-LIKE BUILDINGS THAT

PRESIDENTS CAN RAISE MONEY FOR

FROM BASICALLY ANY SOURCE, WITH

THE VAST MAJORITY OF DONATIONS

UNDISCLOSED.

AND, AS USUAL, TRUMP, SIMPLY BY

BEING HIMSELF, HAS VERY

EFFECTIVELY SHINED A BRIGHT

LIGHT ON ALL THESE CRACKS.

SO, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, WE SHOULD

MAKE DONATIONS TO PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARIES FAR MORE TRANSPARENT,

AND SOLICITING THEM WHILE IN

OFFICE SHOULD BE OUTLAWED

ALTOGETHER.

MULTIPLE BILLS HAVE TRIED TO DO

SOME VERSION OF THAT OVER THE

YEARS, BUT THEY'VE ALL GONE

ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE -- AND,

FRANKLY, I DON'T THINK THIS

GUY'S GOING TO BE SIGNING ONE

ANYTIME SOON.

AS FOR THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES,

THEY SHOULD BE GETTING FUNDED TO

AN OPERATIONAL LEVEL SO THEY CAN

REDUCE THAT 100-YEAR BACKLOG,

AND ACTUALLY DO THE IMPORTANT

JOB THAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO.

BECAUSE WHO KNOWS HOW MANY MORE

RECORDINGS AT "LBJ BUNGHOLE"

LEVEL WE COULD BE MISSING OUT

ON?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, HONESTLY, MAYBE THE MAIN

THING HERE IS TO LET GO OF THE

IDEA THAT THESE GIANT SHRINES

ARE REMOTELY NECESSARY, OR THAT

THEY'RE ACCURATE REPRESENTATIONS

OF HISTORY, AND TO TRY AND

DECOUPLE THEIR CELEBRATORY

FUNCTION FROM THEIR ARCHIVAL

ONE.

AND THAT LINK'S ACTUALLY BEEN

WOBBLING FOR A WHILE NOW.

A FEW YEARS AGO, THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT ACTUALLY HANDED ALL

CONTROL OF THE GEORGE W. BUSH

MUSEUM OVER TO ITS PRIVATE

FOUNDATION.

SO THE GOVERNMENT STILL RUNS THE

ARCHIVES, THE IMPORTANT PART,

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE MUSEUM,

THERE ARE NO FEDERAL WORKERS

LENDING LEGITIMACY TO ITS

WHITEWASHED VERSION OF HISTORY.

MEANWHILE, OBAMA DECLINED TO

BUILD AN ARCHIVE AT HIS

FUTURE PRESIDENTIAL CENTER AT

ALL, INSTEAD OPTING TO DIGITIZE

ALL HIS UNCLASSIFIED PAPER

RECORDS.

THAT MEANS THAT HIS GRAND

MONUMENT TO HIMSELF WILL BE

ENTIRELY PRIVATELY RUN.

AND, WHILE I KNOW THIS SOUNDS

WEIRD, MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD

THING!

BUT, THE KEY THING IS, NEXT TIME

YOU VISIT A PRESIDENTIAL

LIBRARY -- AND ESPECIALLY ONE OF

THE NEWER ONES -- YOU SHOULD GO

IN THERE KNOWING THEY'RE NOT

NECESSARILY TELLING THE STORY OF

THAT PRESIDENT FROM A HISTORICAL

LENS, BUT FROM A PERSONAL ONE.

AND, GOING FORWARD, WHENEVER YOU

HEAR REPORTS THAT AN

ORGANIZATION, NEWS NETWORK, OR

FOREIGN COUNTRY IS GIVING MONEY

TO A PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY -- AND

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE

HEARING ABOUT THAT A LOT OVER

THE NEXT THREE YEARS -- KNOW

THAT IT'S, AT BEST, A PERSONAL

GIFT, AND, AT WORST, AN ACTIVE

BRIBE.

AND WHILE CLEARLY NONE OF THIS

IS IDEAL, I GUESS, AS LONG AS

THIS IS HOW THE SYSTEM'S

OPERATING -- THEN, IF YOU CAN'T

BEAT THEM, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY

JOIN THEM.

SO, GIVEN THAT, PLEASE, FOLLOW

ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

BECAUSE AFTER RESEARCHING THIS

STORY WE SUDDENLY FOUND

OURSELVES MOTIVATED TO DONATE

SOMETHING OF REAL VALUE, TO ANY

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY OR

FOUNDATION INTERESTED IN TAKING

IT.

SPECIFICALLY, WHAT WE'D LIKE TO

OFFER IS THIS:

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT IS, FROM OUR OWN

GUESSTIMATES, A LIFE-SIZE

RENDERING OF LBJ'S BALLS.

AND ANY PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY IS

NOW WELCOME TO TAKE THESE BALLS,

AS A SYMBOL OF THE MASSIVE EGO

IT TAKES TO BUILD ONE OF THESE

LIBRARIES IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THE ONLY CATCH IS, IN THE GRAND

TRADITION OF THESE BUILDINGS'

ENGAGING IN QUID PRO QUOS, WE'D

EXPECT SOMETHING IN RETURN.

OBVIOUSLY THESE TESTICLES MAKE

THE MOST SENSE IN LBJ'S LIBRARY,

AND IN RETURN WE'D BE INTERESTED

IN TAKING YOUR ANIMATRONIC

STATUE OF HIM.

BUT WE'RE ALSO OPEN TO

NEGOTIATION WITH OTHER

FOUNDATIONS.

JUST MAKE US AN OFFER -- WHETHER

IT'S A HORSE STATUE FROM THE

REAGAN LIBRARY, OR, IF THE TRUMP

FOUNDATION IS SO INCLINED, A

FULL BLANKET PARDON FOR ME

PERSONALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S APPARENTLY SOMETHING I'M

ALLOWED TO SUGGEST!

THE POINT IS WE'RE OPEN TO ANY

AND ALL TRADES, SO PLEASE GET IN

TOUCH.

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CALL US!

CALL US ABOUT MY BALLS!

[APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪