Original subtitles

Previously on Desperate Housewives, Gabby's new tenant... I understand you

room to rent.

We like you. If you have first and last month's rent, we'd like even more.

...came with a dangerous secret.

I'm your father.

Wayne's return meant trouble for Catherine.

She doesn't know you, but I do.

Did you have anything to do with the fire at Rick's restaurant?

Lynette tried to warn Tom about Kayla. I think we have a seriously troubled

young girl.

And in his time of weakness...

Orson chose the wrong shoulder to cry on.

The incident,

as it would come to be known, happened late on a Tuesday afternoon.

Witnesses included an old woman, a blind man,

and a young boy.

The old woman, whose hearing was not what it used to be, saw Bree Hodge

from her house in a way that told her she was upset about something.

The blind man, whose hearing had become more acute, heard Edie say, Well, hey,

Bree. What's up?

in a way that suggested Edie wasn't expecting any trouble.

The young boy, who was not yet 11, heard Bree Hodge say, I saw you kissing my

husband. But he couldn't understand why someone would be angry about kissing,

which he thought grown -ups liked.

As the old woman pretended to clip hedges she'd already clipped, she saw

body language of her neighbors change.

As the blind man listened in, he heard Bree say, What were you thinking, Edie?

We're supposed to be friends. We are friends. I am not interested in Orson.

The young boy then heard Edie add, Stop acting like such a bitch!

which included a word he was not allowed to use.

The old woman then saw Bree Hodge clench her fist.

A second later, the blind man heard a slap.

And the young boy saw Edie grab her cheek as the two parted

company.

A thought occurred to all those who had witnessed the incident, that right there

on peaceful Wisteria Lane, the battle lines had been drawn, and someone

was going to get hurt.

It happens the second Sunday of every May.

Children purchase tasteful bouquets, find sentimental cards,

and create homemade jewelry, all in an attempt to honor that

woman known simply as Mother.

Hey, Mama. Hey, baby.

Oh, my gosh.

Is this my daughter -in -law?

Well, I'm going to hug her.

Nice to meet you. Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

Oh, my son was right. You are the prettiest thing.

Michael, I'm just taken with her. Oh, welcome. Thank you.

Come on, Mom. Let's get you unpacked. Oh, yes, let's do.

Because I brought you a present. Oh, thank you, Mom.

Wow.

It's all recipes.

Not just any recipe. Some of these have been in my family since before the war

of northern aggression.

You mean the Civil War?

I mean what I mean.

Um, well, I guess Mike didn't tell you that I'm really not a cook.

Oh, no, he told me.

That's why I gave you these recipes.

And I'm going to teach you how to make them, too.

Isn't that nice, honey?

My Meemaw always told me that a lady should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid

the living room, and a whore in the bedroom.

And Michael says you've only got one of those covered.

So I'm going to help you with the other two.

Excuse me.

The one she won't be helping me with.

Please tell me.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

Dr. Dolan. Hey, guys, I'm Joshua.

He's going to hang out and watch a, you know, be a family.

Why? Because we've had a couple of problems lately.

And my job is to find out what's causing those problems, and then I can help you

be a stronger family.

Can we be a stronger family while playing Age of Empires III?

Yeah, sure. I want to learn how to play that game. Go get started. I'll join you

in a minute.

about making the family stronger, but as I told you, Kayla's the one you want to

focus on. Well, I prefer to look at the big picture. You see, if a family is

dysfunctional, it can lead to a child with problems.

Or a child with problems can lead to a dysfunctional family. I mean, Kayla's

one that got my kids to light a fire and jump off the roof. Honey, it sounds

like Dr. Dolan has kind of a plan here. I understand. It just seems like... At

$140 an hour, we could skip... Straight to the part where you sit down with

Kayla and tell her to stop being so evil.

Mommy?

Yeah? I forgot to give you something.

It's a drawing I made for you in school.

Oh, well, thank you. It's beautiful. Thank you.

Don't. We're waiting for Ellie. She's finishing up with a customer.

Well, maybe when she's done tattooing him, she can put stop hitting the blind

guy on my forehead.

You know, I've been hitting you a lot less lately.

I don't feel like I'm getting enough credit for that.

You're right.

I'm a bad husband.

No, seriously.

We're getting along better. Have you noticed that?

Yeah, I think it's because of Ellie.

Me too.

It's impossible to argue with her in the house. She makes us laugh. She takes

you off my hands every once in a while. Plus, she's always helping around the

house. I mean, yesterday, without even being asked.

She washed all the windows.

She's amazing.

I don't know where she gets all her energy.

Okay, so we're square.

Dude, you gotta call me next week. I got some great stuff coming up.

Ellie,

it's getting cold!

I'll be right down!

So should I sneak out the back?

Oh, no, it's my landlady. She's cool.

She knows you're dealing?

Well, she's not that cool.

You were up there a while.

Can I see it?

Um, she, she means the tattoo.

I would love for you to see it, but it's kind of down south.

Oh, on it.

Got it.

Does it hurt?

It's okay.

Ellie gave me something for the pain.

And Fairview has a top -rated school district, which you'll appreciate in a

couple of years.

Well, come on in.

I'll show you the inside.

You go ahead, honey. I'll wait until Mark wakes up from his nap. All right,

we'll see you in a minute. Okay.

Hi.

Oh, hi. I'm Bree Hodge.

Lauren Baxter. Nice to meet you.

So, are you thinking of moving on to the lane?

Yes.

This house is exactly what we've been looking for.

Do you mind if I ask, is it a safe neighborhood?

Oh, yes, the neighborhood's safe.

I wish I could say the same for your real estate agent.

Well, what do you mean?

What is this?

You left it in the printer.

For house listing. Yeah, for a house in Baltimore.

What do you see it? It's got a pool and a garden.

This is about Dad, isn't it?

I'm doing this to protect us.

We don't need to be protected. He's changed.

It's all an act, sweetheart. You don't see it now, but you will.

It's only back because he wants something.

I don't know what exactly.

No, we're not safe here.

Oh, sure, that's it.

Dad has some evil plan.

It couldn't be that he wants to be in my life, that he loves me. He isn't

capable of love, Dylan.

I found that out the hard way.

And we need to leave.

Before you learn the same horrible lesson.

Move if you want.

I'm staying here with my father.

But what happened? Things were going fine.

I'm sorry. We need another realtor.

Biscuits are the foundation of any Southern meal.

Like my Meemaw used to say, ain't nothing you can make don't taste better

biscuit.

A font of wisdom, your Meemaw.

Well, I really appreciate this.

Thanks, Adele.

Adele, if you don't call me Mama, I'm going to scream.

Don't do that.

Mama, let's get started.

We're going to need a flour sifter. I don't have one.

Pastry cutter?

Sorry. Dough hooks? Don't even know what they are.

That's fine. We can improvise.

Why don't you start by measuring out our dry ingredients?

Flour and such.

Michael is going to be so happy.

After a long day at work, he can come home to a nice, home -cooked southern

meal.

Although he also enjoys coming home to sesame chicken from Red Panda. And they

deliver.

You know, it's a shame that Michael has to work so hard. But I guess with all

the money troubles you two have been having... He told you that?

Well, we're getting past it.

Only because my son is working himself to the bone.

You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to get a job.

I have a job.

Oh, you mean your little drawings?

Well, it's great for a woman to have a hobby. Personally, I day -capage.

But I'm talking about something that pays.

Children's books pay.

Really?

How much?

You know, I think actually I might have those dough hooks somewhere.

Oh, dear, I've insulted you.

I'm just trying to be helpful.

No, no, it's fine, Adele.

Mama.

We were sort of surprised to get your call. Don't you need to see Kayla a few

more times before you report back to us? Well, before continuing with her, I

thought it might be helpful to ask you a few questions.

Oh, go ahead. Shoot.

Do you love Kayla?

Lynette? I was talking to you.

Oh.

Well, sure.

I've been very good to her.

That wasn't his question.

Do you have a diploma on your wall, Tom? I don't think so. Zip it.

Again, um... Do you love her?

Of course I do.

As much as I can, given the way she joined our family, it's just, it's

complicated. I understand.

The problem is, Kayla has picked up on your ambivalence, and she's become a

angry girl.

So what do we do?

Oh, God. Is this going to be one of those therapy things where she hits me

a foam bat?

There's a bond that develops between an infant and her mother.

You and Kayla never formed that bond. So what we need to do is recreate it. It's

called attachment parenting.

And it starts with Kayla being by your side as often as possible.

That sounds like exactly what they need.

I mean, I don't have a diploma or anything, but... I'd really like to give

a try. Whatever keeps you and Kayla close and interacting.

Go to the movies, go shopping, maybe take a little trip together, just the

of you.

Could we revisit the phone bad idea for just a second?

The plan sounds great, Doc. And don't worry, I will make sure that they are

together constantly.

Ask me if I love Tom right now.

Go ahead, I dare you.

May I help you? I haven't seen Benjamin in a week. I was thinking I'd take him

for a few hours.

It's not really a good time.

Well, Bree, whenever I call, it's not a good time. So if you don't mind, I'd

like to take my son to the carnival. Well, that sounds boring.

I know.

Why don't you take him to Edie's house and he can watch you give her a dental

exam with your tongue?

Bree, you don't understand.

What you saw was bad judgment on Edie's part and good judgment on my part. I

pushed her away.

Yes. eventually, with a big dopey grin on your face.

Can we please put this behind us? I would like to take Benjamin.

I don't think so.

I'd hate for him to be around when you had another attack of delayed morality,

either with Edie or behind the wheel of your car.

I am not having this argument.

He is my son, too.

Not exactly.

What?

Don't. Even. Strictly speaking, you're not even related to him.

I mean, it was fine for you to masquerade as his father when we were

but now that we're not... This is wrong.

I will hire a lawyer.

I've already hired one.

You'll be hearing from him shortly.

Oh, and if you're in the mood for a carnival, why not call Edie?

I hear you get three throws for a dollar with her, too.

Bye, Gabby.

You guys going for another walk?

Yeah, we found this sweet hiking trail that goes right through the middle of

woods. Yeah, and unlike some people, Ellie doesn't let the branches hit me in

face. You're spoiling him!

What the hell?

Mom,

guess what? Dad's coming to my senior recital next week. I could swing by and

pick you up if you want.

We could make it a real family outing.

Dylan. Your father and I need to talk.

In private.

I'm not done saying goodbye.

Yes, you are.

Please get rid of that gum.

You're smacking all the way in the house.

Bye, sweetheart. Bye.

Just so we're clear, there will be no family outings.

Now, Kathy, you shouldn't be rude to a man who still has feelings for you.

Meaning what?

You still love me? I do.

And I know I'm somewhat to blame for what's happened between us. That's why

forgiven you for kidnapping our daughter. The least you can do is meet

halfway.

Oh, Wayne.

I don't deserve your forgiveness.

Maybe not, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. Because I still think we

could be happy together.

Given all the things I did that you don't know about.

What's that?

I'm talking about all those men I was with while we were married.

How can you forgive something like that?

That's a lie.

You wouldn't have dared.

Unhappy women do dangerous things.

I think the worst was when I tricked you into thinking Dylan was yours.

I wanted to tell you the truth, but I was scared.

For obvious reasons.

I don't believe you.

But I'm not worried anymore.

Because you've changed.

So what are you waiting for, Wayne?

Forgive me.

If she's not mine, then whose is she?

Doesn't matter.

Oh, I guess I won't be seeing you at the recital now.

Are you sure it was cocaine?

Carlos, I was a fashion model in the 90s. I know cocaine.

Damn it.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shouldn't we hear Ellie's side of the story first?

Here's Ellie's side.

Selling drugs brings in more money than waiting tables.

There you go.

Were you moved?

Okay, look, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe it was flour.

Maybe she's the pastry chef.

Yeah, and she came up with that tattoo cover story to hide her illicit baking.

All right, look, I know we have to do something, but this woman's our friend.

Yes, and I'm a convicted felon still on probation.

Now, if the police find out we're harboring a drug dealer, they're going

me. We have to turn her in.

Well, the priority for me is working out custody of Benjamin.

To that end, I've written down all the pertinent facts about the situation.

No, I don't want to do this over the phone.

Listen, I'm going to hop in the shower. How about we meet in your office in

about an hour?

Great, thanks.

Orson?

Orson? The door's open.

What are you doing here? Get out here, you wuss.

That Puritan... This botanical robot bitch of yours is sabotaging my

Okay. Hang on a second. I'll be right out.

nice long shower.

Really? Sure.

Yeah.

Now that I think about it, I can handle Bree all by myself.

And so that's when I saw all those bricks of cocaine under her bed.

I mean, I think it was cocaine, and I think they're called bricks.

I'm just a simple housewife. I don't know what I'm saying.

Well, you've done the right thing, and it's thanks to the cooperation of

citizens like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When are you going to get her out of our

house?

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

Meaning?

Bullock!

Oh, my God!

What? What? I can't see anything.

It's one of Ellie's customers.

Actually, I'm Detective Bullock.

We've been tracking Miss Leonard for several months now.

Okay, so if you know what she's doing, then why don't you just bust her?

She's small time.

We're trying to get to her supplier, so we need her to keep dealing.

Wait.

So you're just going to leave a drug dealer in our house?

Yes. For now, we just need you to act normal.

Pretend like you don't know anything.

We'll move in when the case is made.

Okay, look, I'm offered her my civic duty, but this woman, she's sort of a

friend.

And now you're asking us to trick her? I'm not sure we're comfortable with

Mr. Felice, you're on probation, right?

How'd you like not to be?

What on earth could you possibly want?

Oh, I wanted to thank you.

After you scared off that couple that were going to buy the young house, I,

uh... Found another buyer, and they're willing to go 10 % over asking.

Well, good. When they drop by for their inspection, I'll just have to have a

nice little chat with them, too.

You wouldn't want to do that to me.

And after all, we're family.

Family. Well, yes, since my nephew Austin is Benjamin's biological father,

makes me Benji's great aunt.

A term I don't exactly love, but it's better than grandma, which is what you

are.

How did you?

Cute story. I went over to Orson's to ask him to get you off my back.

And the poor sap, he'd written the whole sordid tale down and left it right

there on the table.

Edie, if word got out, my whole family would be humiliated. Oh, I don't want

word to get out. That would ruin everything.

Because right now, I own you.

What does that mean?

Glad you asked.

From this moment on, I am your best friend.

You're going to invite me to all of your fancy parties, set me up with all your

single friends, and if I'm ever in the mood for muffins, you're going to bake

them for me.

Keeney, please. And if you don't, if for one second I don't feel the love,

I'm going to bury you.

You understand?

Yeah. Good.

Oh, by the way, um...

I'm having an open house tomorrow.

A plate of banana nut muffins sure would set the mood. Don't you think?

Hey, honey,

did you get that? Thank you.

Hey, Bree.

Perfect timing. We were just getting ready to deal the cards.

Bree, are you okay?

There's something I've been keeping from all of you.

And, um... We need to talk.

Hey, Wayne.

I finished that DNA you wanted. I'm probably going to get in trouble because

put it in front of Martin's triple homicide. You bet, girl.

Well, I owe you. I just needed to confirm that the Vic and my suspect are

related.

Oh, well, actually, they're not.

I ran the samples from the cheek swab and the wad of gum you gave me, and your

suspect's not related to the victim at all.

Are you sure?

Mm -hmm. Oh, yeah, it's 100 % exclusion.

Are you hungry? Because I've worked all through lunch, and I thought that you

and I could go get... Wait.

Oh, my God.

And Edie threatened to use that to... Yes.

Okay, first of all, you're like the greatest mom ever to want to protect

Danielle like that. Thank you.

I can't believe she was blackmailing you.

I can't believe she made a play for Orson.

I can.

She went after Carlos and Mike and Carl.

The only person she hasn't gone after is Tom.

Yet.

This woman is out of control.

What are you going to do?

No.

What are we going to do?

Guys, what's going on?

I told them everything, Edie.

About Orson, Benjamin, everything.

You did?

She did. So you can kiss that little blackmail scheme goodbye.

Well, I was only doing it because... You were only doing it because you're the

devil.

Okay, fine.

Chew me out and let's get on with it.

Not like all the other times, Edie.

We're done.

Done? We're not inviting you to poker. We're not talking to you. We're not even

going to wave when you jog by from now on.

You are invisible.

And we're going to make sure every woman in a five -mile radius knows the kind

of crap you pulled.

We tried to be your friends, but you don't even understand what that word

So now we're going to be something you do understand.

Guys, wait.

Wait, I know I crossed the line this time, and I'm sorry.

Did you hear something?

Neither did I.

Ready to ride, Dylan?

Now look, if you're scared, you don't have to. I want to.

Oh, you're a brave girl.

Hold up your arm for the camera, sweetheart.

How many stitches is that?

Eleven.

And you didn't cry once, did you?

Can I ride now, please, Daddy?

I love you, Daddy.

Dylan. Me.

You need to come over here tomorrow.

Yeah. I know it's Mother's Day, but it's okay.

I got some things to tell you about your mother.

Oh, I want this one.

Oh.

Yow. It's a little pricey. But I want it.

You're the one who asked me to go shopping.

Well, I know, but we're supposed to be spending time together, not going into

death.

Oh, how about this one?

What do you mean, supposed to?

I just... It's good for us to hang out.

I enjoy it.

Is this something that the doctor made you do?

No, all my idea. I just wanted to treat you to a real fun day.

All right.

Want me to have fun?

Buy me this.

Okay.

Good times.

I'd like an old -fashioned, please.

What's the matter, Michael?

You tuckered out?

Oh, yeah, I just didn't get much sleep. Honestly, I wonder how you ever get any.

Well, considering you got Susan in the bed, sawing wood all night.

I'm doing what now?

Snoring.

What'd you say it sounded like, Michael? A bunch of bulldogs in a bag?

But it is a sound that I've come to love.

You know what my Meemaw did to Grandpa Boo?

She sewed a marble in the back of his pajama top.

Then if he rolled on his back to start snoring, it'd wake him right up.

But I guess you can't do that.

Seeing as how you sleep in the nude and all.

Well, that's going to change her up, then.

I'm going to fix my face before I order.

Excuse me.

Now, this is nice.

Nice? She's driving me crazy. You have got to... stop complaining about me to

her. I don't complain.

Well, you could see how I, as the nude, snoring whore, would think so.

Okay, now I might vent a little bit, but she's just trying to help. Well, the

next time she tries to help, she's going to get an old -fashioned in her face,

so you better step up and start defending me.

Okay, okay.

Well, lovely powder run. These maidens, such a busy restaurant, can keep their

bathroom cleaner than yours.

Now, Mama, that's not very nice.

Well, you're the one who told me you didn't marry her for her housekeeping.

You just need someone to teach these things.

You know what?

Why don't I stay a few extra weeks and you and I can spruce the house up?

And don't worry, I'll leave when the baby comes.

At my age, all that crying just cuts my nerves to shreds.

Now, the first thing we're going to do is wash your walls.

Oh, my God.

My water broke.

What? My water just broke. I'm in labor. We have to go.

You're not due for a month.

Italian, Mama.

Look at me.

Come on, we have to get you to the hospital. Well, yeah, but... No, no, no.

should take a cab home and start packing.

This one feels like a crier.

Are you sure I should...

You're

doing great, honey. Just keep breathing.

How close are the contractions?

A few weeks apart.

Want to go to the movies?

Okay. I

get

it. I'll talk

to her.

Thank you.

Do you want to go back in there right now and tell her?

No. The restaurant just comped our drinks. Tell her at home.

Well, we've done enough damage for one day.

Let's go home.

I want a corn dog first.

Oh, honey, we're about to have dinner.

But I'm hungry now.

I want a corn dog.

All right. Thank you.

If you're hungry, I'll get you something healthy and you can have it in the car.

Corn. Dog.

Why can't I have one?

Well, at this point, because of the way you're acting, please don't do this,

Caleb. We've been having such a nice time.

And we can keep having a nice time.

Just give me what I want.

Or you're not going to like what happens.

Are you threatening me?

I'm just saying.

Got that idiot Preston to jump off the roof.

Wonder what I could get Penny to do.

I shouldn't have done that, but that was... That was horrible, what you said.

And you should never say that again.

Okay, so... Come on, let's go. Come on.

Susan, you're up.

Michael told me about your false labor. That was unusual.

What happened?

I know, but usually your water doesn't break.

Oh, that.

Um, turns out I built some clubs there.

Well, no surprise there.

Michael told me what a clutchy Cathy you are.

I'm glad he finds that cute.

I myself don't have the patience.

Hey, Mama.

Hello, Michael.

Do you have a Mother's Day present for me?

He sure does.

But I want mine first.

Mama, we need to talk.

About what?

About the way you talk to people.

I mean, sometimes you can be a little too honest.

Sorry.

Go on.

You don't realize how things sound when they're coming out of your mouth. I know

you mean well.

I'm getting to it. No, no, no.

It's just that, Mama, sometimes when you're talking to Susan... Susan, you

a little pale.

Are you okay?

Oh, she's fine.

I wish she'd cut it out. No, I'm not trying to... Susan?

Are you going into labor? For real?

Maybe. Who cares? Let her have it.

Okay, okay.

Mama, you've got to stop taking pot shots at Susan. She's my wife, and I

her, and I can't have you upsetting her.

Sweetheart, I... I am deeply sorry and mortified.

If I've caused you any distress, I never meant to hurt your feelings.

Apology accepted.

Let's go.

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh. Oh, my gosh.

That is so sweet.

Thank you so much. We're going to go get your presents.

Okay.

No Kayla?

Well, she's still pretty upset.

Again, I know I crossed the line, and I'm so sorry.

You know what? Let's not get into this. I'm just going to get angry all over

again. Tom, if you had been there and heard what she said... It doesn't

You hit her.

She's just a little girl.

And now, thanks to you, she's a frightened little girl.

Sorry to bother you, Dr. Dolan, but you said I could call any time.

My mom.

She hit me.

No, it's not the first time.

I was afraid to tell you because I knew what she would do if she found out.

Help me.

I don't feel safe here.

I have to go.

Sorry about the mess.

Maid took the week off.

You said you wanted to talk to me.

Tell me things about Mom.

You know what, kiddo? I had kind of a bad day yesterday.

Sat around here drinking, feeling sorry for myself.

And then I called you.

That's okay. If you're feeling sad or whatever, you should always call me.

None of this is your fault. I hope you know that.

None of what?

I tried so hard to let the past just be the past. I didn't want to bring up who

did what to who or why.

What did Mom say to you? And it turns out I've been kidding myself all this

time. This family that I've been fighting for, it doesn't even... exist.

We don't need her.

I'm fine with just you and me.

I'm happy now.

Ow! Dad, you're hurting me!

You have to go.

What's wrong? Did I do something?

Get out of here!

Now!

Ellie! Brunch is almost ready!

This is going to be so hard.

You can't think of her as your friend. Think of her as a drug dealer who could

have gotten us into a lot of trouble.

Oh, shoot.

I wanted to surprise you.

What's this?

Well, you know, it's Mother's Day, and I have kind of a crappy relationship with

my mom, so this is my way of saying thanks for being nicer to me than she

was.

I'm glad I didn't get you the chocolates.

No,

Travers. No, I decided spending Mother's Day with you was more important than

spending time showing people stupid houses.

Oh, I love you too, sweetheart.

Actually, I think Mommy's going to be spending a lot more time with you from

on. But we'll talk about that when I get there, okay?

I love you, baby. I'll see you soon.

It happens the second Sunday of every May.

We celebrate the women who give us life and so much more.

The ones who protect us at all costs.

Who have the courage to fight those who would do us harm.

Who put our happiness ahead of their own.

But mostly, we celebrate a mother's love, which is constant,

eternal, and there from the very beginning.