Original subtitles

Previously on Desperate Housewives, Orson's secret came out.

So you don't know that your husband tried to kill Mike?

And Bree couldn't forgive him.

Lynette's stepdaughter Kayla never adjusted to being part of their family.

But I'm never going to love her, and you can't make me.

And Dylan reconnected with her real father.

I'd like to have a relationship with you, but if your mom is still scared of

I don't want to upset her again.

i don't have to tell her

it

happens in every marriage couples accumulate lovely things

things that make a house a home but when the home is

broken these things must be divided the most dignified way to do this is

for each spouse to keep what is most important to them.

And Bree and Orson Hodge were nothing if not dignified.

I assume you want the pewter cat?

That was my gift to you.

You adored it, as I recall. That's why I'm giving you the choice.

And what about that Hummel from your aunt? It's ugly as sin, but she insists

that it's valuable.

You keep it.

Keep everything.

There's only one thing in this house that I want.

I know, but I'm the one thing you can't have.

Please, you have to forgive me.

Of course, and every wife understands that her husband will make a few

Forgotten anniversary, the occasional harsh word, but we all have to draw the

line somewhere, and I'm drawing mine at the attempted murder of my best friend's

husband.

Breathe. If I could open up my heart and show you how sorry I am, I would, but I

can't. There must be something else I could do.

There is one thing.

Name it.

Turn yourself in to the police.

But the statute of limitations hasn't run out. They would arrest me. And you'd

probably go to prison.

Yes, I could go away for years.

Exactly, and if you could muster that kind of moral courage, I think I could

forgive you.

Oh, come on.

I promise I'll wait for you.

Marie, I can't go to Britain.

The cat or not?

In any separation, it's only fair that each spouse get to keep what is most

important to them.

That's how Bree Hodge got to keep her pewter cat.

And Orson Hodge got to hold on to his freedom.

The suburbs are flush with a certain kind of fool.

You know the type.

The man who opens his door to total strangers.

The woman who never uses her latch.

It never occurs to them that letting someone into their home means letting

them into their lives.

Hi, I'm Allie. I understand you've got a room to rent.

Yeah, come on in.

So because of my husband's disability, our financial situation has changed, and

we have this big house. Well, it's an amazing place, and I love the room. I

can't believe it's still available.

Well, you know.

Anyhow, you have a great credit score.

Oh, what was that?

What was what?

Ellie, did she just give me a dirty look?

Oh.

Yeah, I thought so.

I'm sorry, Ellie.

There's been some tension between my husband and me.

See, the truth is we could have had the room rented by now if my husband wasn't

so paranoid.

Why? Because I wouldn't let the Swedish bodybuilder move in?

You're as blind as a fruit bat. How would you know if he's a bodybuilder? I

brushed up against him. I felt his bicep. It was huge.

That wasn't his bicep. Why do you think he rushed out of here?

Okay, I normally dig this sort of interpersonal stuff, but I have a class

so back to me.

You're right, Ellie. My husband was totally inappropriate.

So, a class. Are you a teacher?

Actually, I'm an art student. My life was working pretty well, and so I

to junk it and learn how to paint fruit.

Stupid, right?

No. It's gutsy.

Well, we like you, Ellie.

And if you have first and last month's rent, we'd like to give you more.

Fantastic. I just hit the bank.

So, do you mind cash?

Oh, no.

I love cash.

Cash and I go way back.

So are you okay with this, or do you need to grow up her too?

So that really wasn't the guy's arm?

It had an elbow.

Is this the green pile?

Because I'm not seeing it. You know what? Do them all again. This time, use

little elbow grease.

How are they doing?

They're not suffering enough for my taste. Are you sure that washing dishes

the right punishment?

Well, gee, I'm kind of at a loss here, Tom. Dr. Spock didn't have a chapter on

how to punish your kids for burning down a building.

I just don't feel like we're handling this right.

Maybe we should take them to therapy.

Tom, they're not serial killers. They're two little boys who were afraid their

parents were breaking up. But still. No.

We can handle this in -house. We can make sure they never do anything like

again.

Fine. We'll try it your way.

But this next month is going to be like boot camp for these guys. They are going

to be cleaning out the gutters, taking out the trash, mowing the lawns. Wait a

second. Those are your chores. No time to talk. Dinner shift's starting.

Okay. This is the place.

Oh, here. Let me throw that away for you.

No, I'm not finished with it.

It's a Lamont class. I guarantee you I will not be the only woman in there

holding a chimichanga.

Wow. It's all couples.

Wish Mike didn't have that rehab thing tonight.

Do you want me to stay? I can skip the movie.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

I'll be fine.

Okay. Have fun.

Quit eyeing it, I ain't sharing.

Okay, don't talk. Just listen.

Remember last year when I brought up Dad's new girlfriend and you said you

wanted to hear another word about one of his skanks again?

Yeah.

Okay, well, I just spotted them in the hallway, and there's something you

know.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you're all caught up.

I tried,

remember? I said, Dad and Marissa are about to, and then you stopped me, and

then you said, talk to the hand, and I said, no one says that anymore. Okay, I

get it. One more thing.

They're married. See ya.

Lucy Q!

What a small world!

Look how fat you are!

Hello, Carl.

Marissa.

This is Lucy, my ex -wife.

Hello. It's so nice to finally meet you.

Honey? I'm gonna go sign us in and get us a couple maps.

Okay.

Can you believe this? What are the chances we'd end up having more kids,

Especially you.

What does that mean? I'm just saying, most eggs your age don't take.

Power to you.

Okay, clearly, this is not going to work. So why don't you take your child

and find another class?

I know, she's young.

Makes you want to have work done, huh?

Or should I say, more work done.

The only work I've had done was getting 185 pounds of ugly fat sucked out of my

house. You're jealous. I get it. She's gorgeous, funny, a law professor.

No, no, no. Those are not the legs of a law professor.

Not that she needs to work. I just made partner of my firm, thanks.

I keep telling her, slow down.

If you need something to do, why not oversee the remodel of our new ski

Well, I better get back to Marissa.

And by the way, you're dripping.

Bye, Mom. I'm leaving.

Yeah, I'm by ten.

Ten? But it's almost eight now.

Yes, and it's not some school night.

Fine.

Introduce me to this boy, and we'll talk about making a curfew later.

Yeah, maybe some other night.

Sweetie, I'm going to have to meet him eventually.

I don't even know if I like him yet.

When I do, you can meet him.

I'll be home by ten.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Princess.

Let's go. I'm starving.

Honey, I can't find my nail file. Have you seen it?

Is that some kind of joke?

All right.

Keep forgetting you're youthless.

I'm going to see if Ellie has one.

Hey, Ellie, you got a sec?

Be right there.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, um... Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were entertaining.

Hi, I'm Gabby Feliz.

Hey. Um, what do you need?

Oh, you know what? It can wait. I'll see you in the morning.

What? Earlier tonight, I saw a guy coming out of Ellie's room, so I assumed

was her boyfriend.

But just now, I caught her in there with another guy.

Okay.

So we have two tramps living in our house.

That was for the youthful comment, wasn't it?

Mm -hmm.

And it felt good.

It sounds like he's leaving.

I hope it's not because of me.

Maybe I should go apologize.

Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting

paid.

Hey, Lynette.

Ida's cat got out again. You haven't seen him, have you?

No. Sorry, I hope you find him. Well, if he's anything like Ida, he'll wander

into my house drunk the next time guiding when it is on.

Wait, hold on. I have to fix this.

This is so unfair.

Yeah, I know. I hate her.

How come she's not in trouble?

Because we started the fight, you idiot. So now we have to be punished.

I know, but it was her idea.

Boys.

Who are you talking about?

Layla, can I speak to you for a second?

I guess.

I need to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth, okay?

Did you have anything to do with the fire at Rick's restaurant?

Did someone say I did?

I'm looking for a yes or no answer here.

I didn't start the fire.

No, the twins did, but they say it was your idea.

It was a joke.

I didn't think they'd actually do it. Kayla.

Why would you even joke about something like that?

We heard you and Daddy talking about how Rick wanted to take you away.

Porter was so mad, he wanted to blow Rick up.

Preston told him he could use dynamite. I told him that was stupid.

No one has dynamite in their house.

But everyone has matches.

Do you have any idea what you've done? Someone could have been killed.

But they weren't. But it... Doesn't matter.

Intentionally setting a fire is a very serious crime.

Don't you get that?

I do.

That's why I think it's good you're punishing the twins.

They're really bad kids.

And they need to learn.

I told you we'd be overdressed.

There's nothing wrong with that. It shows our respect for Lamaze. And, you

the whole birthing process.

Or it's that your ex -husband's here.

Carl? Is he here?

Oh, what a freakish... Don't even bother.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because I knew you'd make a switch to another class. Last time I was here,

kept throwing his perfect life in my face, and I just wanted to come back

and show him that we were doing well, too.

Hence the sport coat.

Hence, that's classy.

Say a lot of hence when we see him.

Susan, I'm not going to lie about who I am. I'm not asking you to lie. I'm just

saying spin.

Why won't you spin?

I don't know.

Hey, plumber.

Somebody clog a toilet?

I'm in.

Hey, guys.

Mike, you remember Carl, and this is Carl's wife, Maritha. Hello.

So how's things going?

You still spending most of your time with your head under a sink?

Actually, I hired a couple of guys, and they do all the work. I just sit back

and cash the checks.

Hence the support code.

Yeah, you guys look fantastic. I feel like such a slob.

Kind of overdressed, aren't you?

Well, after this, we have a big party to go to.

Yeah, our social life is just crazy these days. Seems like every night we

some fancy party. Just bananas.

Why don't you ever take me out?

Hey, at least I didn't ditch you on the first day of the mods class.

I didn't ditch Susan. I was getting my 30 -day chip.

What, you're like an alky?

Drugs, actually.

Prescription drugs.

But I went through rehab, and I'm clean now.

Wow.

Congratulations. Okay, people, time to get started.

Take your seats.

So your hubby's been in rehab.

That's just bananas.

Wow. I know.

Turns out the whole thing was Kayla's idea.

Well, I guess Porter and Preston have a new dishwashing buddy, huh?

No. I think it goes a little further than that.

I think we have a seriously troubled young girl.

She needs professional help.

Like therapy? You brought it up before, and in this case, I really don't think

we have a choice.

Interesting. So, the boys...

who actually physically set the fire. They don't need therapy. But Kayla, who

only talked about it, she does. You didn't see her. She just sat there

with her doll with this kind of eerie calm.

Oh, she was calm.

Yeah, better nip that in the bud. No, you're missing my point. No, I get your

point. There are different rules for my kid than there are for yours.

Well, yeah.

Think of what that poor girl has been through.

And on top of that, her mom was kind of a psycho.

Okay, you're saying that Kayla is a psycho now.

I am just saying, Apple, free.

Maybe not so far.

And I'm just saying, my daughter is fine.

No therapy.

doing here?

Great. It's so good to see you.

I have been doing some thinking. Yes, I can smell the thinking on your breath.

Are you insane driving in this condition?

No, I didn't. I arrived sober and I drank while I waited. I am a law

man. Except for the occasional hit and run.

Ah, the incident. That's what I'm here to talk about.

I am prepared to meet your condition and go to the police.

You are?

Yes. I have it all figured out.

The key.

It's the sleepwalking.

Susan saw it. We'll find a psychiatrist to testify that I was sleepwalking when

I drove the car. It's brilliant. No, it's a pathetic fantasy fueled by

and Amaretto Sowers. She committed a crime, Orson.

Jason.

I just want to come home, please.

Hey!

Glad you two are patching things up. But take the makeup sex inside.

Edie, would you do me a favor and take Orson back to his apartment? I have to

let my sitter go home.

All right.

Hop in.

Don't make me go back there.

The other divorced men are trying to start a book club.

Oh, for God's sakes.

You can sleep it off on my couch tonight.

Now hitch up your skirt and get in.

There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night, and I

her counting a wad of cash.

So long story short, I need your help to get that hooker out of my house.

What do you want us to do?

Well, I've got no solid evidence, and she's got a lease.

So, Bob, I was hoping you could solicit her services. That way I'll have proof.

You do know I'm gay, right?

Exactly. You people are theatrical.

And I need someone I can count on to give a decent performance.

I don't know.

I'll do it.

What?

Well, no offense.

I just think Bob has a better shot at pulling it off. He's a little more...

Butch. I know.

You hear that, honey? Please. The only way you'd be convincing as a straight

is if you died and came back as a straight guy.

I'm sorry. Who went to their senior prom with a girl?

Yeah, Susie Filler's game maker.

If you're looking for Butch, you should know that I played Tony in West Side

Story to rave reviews.

He also made out with Officer Krupke during intermission.

Well, I really don't care who does it.

Just get it done.

And don't wear that.

Oh. Never watch a C -section film if you had a calzone for lunch.

Everything okay?

Did you have to tell Carl about what you have?

You said I didn't have to lie.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to go blurting all our deepest, darkest

secrets. It's not dark. It's part of who I am.

Plus, one of the first things they teach you in the program is it's not healthy

to keep secrets.

Hence the honesty.

Oh, enough with the hence.

I'm just saying that some things are private, and I think that you can be

without being inappropriate.

When I said it, his wife congratulated me. Did you notice that?

And Carl made his happy monkey face. Did you notice that? You know what, Susan?

This reminds me of the battle I have to fight every day for the rest of my life.

That's what's important to me.

I don't give a rat's ass what your ex -husband thinks.

This isn't Dr.

Kagan's office.

Well, actually, this is a different kind of doctor. You know, the kind you can

talk to.

You brought me to a shrink?

Well, I thought you might like to have a safe place where you could share your

feelings.

You know?

With your mom's death, moving in with us, you've been through a lot.

That was a long time ago. I'm fine.

Well, good.

But sometimes, when you go through hard things, it changes the way you think.

Maybe we have trouble telling the difference between what's right or

wrong. I don't have any trouble with that. Actually, you do. That's why

here. So let's just wait and talk to the doctor.

Okay?

You know what, Lynette? Maybe I should talk to the doctor about right and

Good. Then maybe I should talk to the police.

What? No.

Sweetie, we don't need to do that.

Really? Because what the twins did is a crime.

I mean, like you said, someone could have been killed.

So, if we don't go to the police, wouldn't that be wrong?

You don't understand.

No, I do. If I have to talk to the shrink, I have to talk to the cop.

Hi. You must be Kayla. I'm all ready for you.

Actually, I think we're okay.

We resolved our problems just sitting in your waiting room.

Boy, you're good.

Okay, so we're gonna go.

Target in place.

We're a go.

He's coming out.

What is he wearing?

He looks like the lost member of Wham.

He thinks the outfit makes him look straight.

Just be thankful I got the toothpick out of his mouth.

Must he put his hand on his hip like that?

Butch up, for God's sakes.

Uh -oh.

Oh, crap!

Abort! Abort!

You are a pig, and if you kick your ass... Gabby, what are you doing?

Your creepy neighbor, he came over here and offered me money to sleep with him.

Gabby, don't.

Tell me what?

He did the same thing to me.

Hey, that's enough, Gabby. Tell her, or I will.

What's going on?

Here's the thing.

I thought you were a hooker.

So I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act.

But guess what? You passed the test. Yay!

Everybody inside for margaritas.

Ellie, wait.

I made a mistake.

Can we please talk about this?

Dude, you just... You told your neighbors that I'm a whore.

Look at it from my point of view.

You're an attractive woman. Guys are coming and going.

I saw you take money from one of them. What am I supposed to think?

All right.

You might as well know.

I do tattoos.

You do what?

See, I've been working downtown, and I'm the jerk of a boss who takes 70 % of my

money.

So I'm trying to earn enough cash to finally open my own shop.

You've been running a tattoo parlor out of my house?

I know. I'm sorry I lied.

I'll be gone in the morning.

Ellie, wait.

You don't have to go. Are you sure? Because I have to keep doing my work to

for school.

Well, I suppose I could look the other way for a few months.

It's the least I could do for thinking you're a whore.

Hi, Edie. Thanks again for helping me out last night.

Oh, no problem.

Of course, the car is still parked at my house.

Did he mention when he'd be coming back to pick it up?

Well, why don't you ask him yourself? He's in the shower.

He spent the night here?

Apparently, he's not a big fan of Fairview Towers, and he was so drunk and

whiny, I just let him ride my couch.

Well, um, just so you know, in the future, I'm not comfortable with that.

can't happen again.

Free?

What are you getting at?

I think you know.

Tell me anyway.

Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.

Come on, Edie.

You know, Carlos, Mike, Carl.

You do have a way of picking at other women's leftovers.

First of all, I am not attracted to Orson. And that would be like having sex

with PBS.

And second, just because I don't like your attitude, I'm going to let him stay

as long as he wants.

Edie, face.

Wake up. Might even let him hang my Christmas light. Come on, Edie. Think of

friendship.

How'd you expect me to react, Lynette? You took her to therapy behind my back.

And I wouldn't have done that unless I thought we had a serious problem, which

we do.

Why? Because she threatened you? Of course she did. You ambushed her. Mom,

one thing not to want to admit something's wrong with your kid. It's

just bury your head in the sand. Who's burying their head in the sand? You are.

No, no, no. You're just... Jordan, reality.

I'm not.

What would be my agenda? You can't pull the crap like this.

Whoa.

What are you doing? I jumped off the roof. It was awesome.

No way.

Yeah, it was just like a parachute.

You want to try it?

But maybe it won't work.

It will. I just did it.

If you want, I can show you.

Oh, wait.

You're in trouble.

You can't.

Never mind.

You can't pull crap like this one out either. You treat Kayla like she's your

own kid. Come on, I do.

Mom.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What happened?

Is she okay?

Porter, get down off that roof.

Ow, ow, ow, it hurts.

Oh, we got to take him to the hospital.

Okay, you stay here. You take care of the kids. I will take him to the

All right. No, you both go. I got the kids. Go, go, go, go. Thanks, Karen.

Come here, buddy.

It's okay, sweetie. You're going to be just fine.

Hey, Susie.

Where's the plumber?

Fishing a wedding ring out of some housewife's grease trap?

He's not feeling well.

I see Marissa isn't here either.

Yeah, she got stuck at her book signing.

She writes books, like you.

Only hers are for grown -ups, and they sell.

Okay, Carl, you win. You happy?

Whoa.

What's this about?

Just drop the act. You are so loving this.

You ended up with the Miss America with a law degree, and I ended up with the

pillhead plumber.

Bravo.

Damn it, why won't this unroll?

You know, Marissa's not perfect.

We have our problems like anyone else.

Oh, really?

You guys live one day at a time?

Is your first thought when she's late that maybe she's out using again or

she's dead?

It just seems like everything is so fragile right now.

Which is not the way you want it to be when you're about to have a baby.

So you're worried you might be having a kid with an unreliable guy.

I get it. You did that once before.

Yeah.

That guy was the worst.

Wasn't I, though?

I cheated, drank too much. I made that play for your cousin.

Oh, right. You didn't know about that. That never happened.

Anyway, I lied about every bit of it. At least Mike's trying to be honest.

I know.

I just wish I could fast forward through my life and see that everything ends up

okay.

Hey, don't tell the plumber this, but he's a good guy.

I think he's going to be there for you in a way that I never was.

Thank you.

Which cousin?

Oh, look, a model of the uterus.

He's a big, great cat. See if you can just keep an eye out. Of course.

Actually, Karen, when I'm done here, I could go try to find Toby for you.

Thanks, Bree. I appreciate that. Oh, if you do find him, don't look him in the

eye. It angries him up.

Very nice of you to help her.

And this will take your mind off of everything with Orson, too. I hope so.

Truth is, I miss him.

And I'll probably let him come home eventually. I just need to know he

understands the gravity.

of what he did.

Well, I don't know what he did, but be careful.

Some men say they're going to change, and they can't.

Oh, hello, Dylan. You look lovely.

She has a date with a boy I haven't met yet.

It's just a movie. It's no big deal.

Be that as it may, it's the, what, third time you've gone out?

I don't even know his name.

Mom, I told you I'm not ready for you to meet him.

When I am, you'll know.

Good night, Mrs. Hodge. Good night.

Okay, back to business.

How do you feel about Parker House roles?

I mean, personally, I think they're played out.

I actually agree.

Can we pick this up again tomorrow?

Of course.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes.

I just need to get by on my daughter.

The key is to keep one car between yours and hers at all times.

Have fun.

We should probably get the check.

I have to be back by ten.

We still have time for coffee?

I don't want to push it. Mama's all over me tonight.

I'm sorry about that.

Whatever. It's fine.

No, it's not.

I can see how hard this whole thing is on you.

Makes me wish we could just tell her the truth.

I don't know.

Well...

It's your choice.

And you're probably right.

We got a good thing going here. I don't want to ruin it.

But I'll tell you something.

If it was only up to me, I'd come clean.

You would?

Absolutely.

That way I could tell your mom how sorry I am.

I wouldn't expect her to forgive me.

But I could hope.

She could at least see it changed.

But whatever you want to do, it's okay by me.

Okay, thank you.

Well, I've got a room at a hotel in Mount Pleasant.

I guess I'll get going.

Oh, it's late.

Why not just go tomorrow?

Oh, I feel like I'm imposing.

You are.

Won't you make a decent martini?

So what the hell?

So, you like the Hodge formula, huh?

You see the secret. I don't hear faking.

By the way, did you see Bree when you were coming home?

Oh, no, I didn't.

I keep thinking she's going to call me.

Look, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but what the heck

happened over at Ken and Barbie's dream house?

I made a mistake.

Bree won't forgive me.

See, that's the problem with the Bree's of this world.

They're too damn perfect.

I mean, they don't understand that people like you and me...

Yeah, well, it was no ordinary mistake.

This was... This was something terrible.

Was it something gay?

What? Of course it wasn't. We're talking.

Trust me.

Bree will never forgive me.

You know what? Maybe she shouldn't. Maybe I'm not worthy of forgiveness.

Well... Are you sorry for what you did?

Yes.

More than anyone will ever know.

Well, then you're worthy.

Thank you.

Don't start.

I'm drunk. I'm going to start crying, too. Come on.

You're a good person, Lady Britt.

But you're not so bad yourself.

You're right.

Bad idea.

I blame the heart formula.

You're probably tired.

Let me get your room ready for you.

Mom, can I talk to you?

Of course.

I guess I just have to say it.

I've been lying to you.

There is no boy.

And?

And... Oh, I've been meeting someone. That part is true.

But it's Dad.

I've been meaning Dad.

Really?

See, you're not upset?

You made it very clear that you wanted to meet your father.

So I knew this day was coming.

And I prepared myself.

Well, can I go get him then?

It's been a long time.

Dylan, why don't you go up to your room so we can catch up?

It's all right.

Really.

Go ahead.

You did a great job with her. She's a wonderful girl.

You look fantastic.

Have an age today.

Look, I'm here for Dylan, okay?

Sure, that's what you told her.

And I'm sure she believed it.

Because she doesn't know you.

But I do.

No, you don't, Kathy.

Not anymore.

It's been a long time, 12 years.

I know exactly how long it's been.

Okay.

Good, because I've changed.

I'm a different man now.

You have to admit that that's possible, right?

You've changed, huh?

Well, maybe you have.

I have.

Like to know how?

Sure.

Do you want to tell me?

Good. You don't have to be.

I'm not the same woman you knocked around.

The woman you punched.

The one whose blood you licked out your knuckles.

She's gone.

So you'll just have to prove you're a man some other way.

You trying to make me mad, Kathy?

I didn't know I still could.

Can I?

This is a lot to deal with after so long, I guess.

I shouldn't have sprung it on you all at once.

Tell Dylan I'll call tomorrow.

And you're as beautiful as you ever were, Kath.

Good night.

The

word

welcome always carries with it a certain amount of risk.

After all, to let someone into your home is to let them into your life.

And we never know what sorts of horrible secrets they carry with them.

We can't foresee the painful effect they might have on our loved ones.

We don't anticipate the gossip that could result from their presence.

Yeah, we must be very careful with those we invite into our lives,

because some will refuse to leave.