Original subtitles

LEWIS: March 15, 1953.

IBM released its first M-80 punch cards.

The M-80 cards had 80 rows with 12 chads in each.

That's 060 possible pieces of information, or bits.

A punched chad is like a one and an unpunched is like a zero.

So, when you're manually loading hundreds, even thousands of cards

to manage the Dewey Decimal System,

or calculate pi,

you can see how dropping the "10" from 1053

could seem like a good idea.

How could those early programmers have known

that at the turn of the millennium,

those missing numbers

could threaten to destroy civilization as we known it?

LEWIS: Well, I'm sorry.

It's just a little stuffy down here.

I thought you said to try something new.

LEWIS: We did. I just...

I didn't know that it would involve multitasking.

Are you thinking about work?

LEWIS: You know what? This is stupid.

My neck is killing me, Sarah.

Can you just forget about your neck for one second

and just try and relax?

Our bodies don't fit like this, I don't think.

Okay, you know what?

Fine. I just, for once, I wanted to just make you...

You know?

I know, I know. It's, um...

A phase.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, but it's been...

a really long phase.

I know, I know.

I just, I'm not...

I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.

Okay, um...

Let's just go to sleep, then, all right?

- No, I mean, we can - - No, good night. It's okay.

Good night.

LEWIS: Geeks like me who spent their childhoods

in front of a DOS prompt

saw it coming a mile away.

But it wasn't until a few years ago

that companies like Millenitech started to take Y2K seriously.

In 1999, we used computers to run nuclear reactors, oil tankers,

electrical grids, airline traffic, missile defense systems,

law enforcement, and the world economy.

Morning, Henderson.

The public doesn't give these systems a second thought,

but we know how fragile they really are.

It only takes one piece of bad code to create a monster.

Bigblackpussy. com.

What's with the clock?

There's this chick, Bitter Sweet...

She can fit a whole cantaloupe -

Keith, what's going on?

Oh, uh, office meeting. Something's up.

Oh, this is a good one, from more of a sociological perspective -

Keith, I told you, I don't go to porn sites-

Yeah, whatever, man. Check this out.

It's called TracysToilet. com.

Man's greatest invention, and this is what you do with it.

Okay, look, she's not home right now,

but she has a toilet-cam that broadcasts in real-time, 24-7.

- It's brilliant. - You watch her go?

Yeah, number one, number two, sometimes three.

What's number three?

You got to watch to find out.

Hello! People? Hi. Can I have your attention?

Great.

Um, so I know you thought the EZ Store account

was our last Y2K turnover, okay,

but I've just heard from back East,

and they would like us to take on a last-minute account, okay?

They would like us to refit the entire West Coast Insurance database.

That's a huge company.

Shh!

Shh-shh!

Thank you.

Um...

Now, as you can see,

this only gives us about a month and a half

on our handy new Y2K clock.

So I'll be looking for a new project manager.

So if you're interested in applying, please submit a resume to, um...

my assistant and, um...

I know that we can, uh, rise to this challenge.

Because, um, if we don't, the company's dead in the water.

So, um, go for the brass ring, okay?

And, um...

Run with the ball. Okay. Thank you.

KEITH: She's on Mars.

There's no way that we make that deadline.

You'd better apply for that job, though.

Huh? What?

Guy, please.

You're the best programmer here, and you know it.

Sarah...

Yeah...

Ah...

Lewis?

Hey, what are you doing?

Working.

You're working now?

Yeah, I'm applying for a promotion.

Oh.

You didn't tell me about that.

No, it was just announced today.

Oh. Okay.

Good night.

Uh, hi, Ali...

Oh, hi. I'm sorry. You're not Ali.

I'm the new Ali.

You can just keep calling me that if you want.

I'm sure you've got enough on your mind.

Anyway, by the time you get used to me,

there'll probably be some girl named Susan sitting here, and -

I'm sorry, what is your name?

Jane. You?

Lewis. Hi.

Hi, Lewis.

So you, uh, you a rollerskater?

Not a professional, no.

So, what Ali-like-thing can I do for you today, Lewis?

Um, actually, I would like to apply for the promotion

that Angela was offering.

Yeah, so this chick sucks cock

like she's having a fucking asthma attack

and then as if this can't get any better,

then she tells me she won the bronze medal in gymnastics

when she was like, I don't know, 12?

So, she pops up into a handstand,

starts bobbing up and down on my dick.

Oh, yeah!

Swear to God, best night of my life.

What about you, Mendlesson? Did you crack this weekend?

Did I crack what? A rib?

Did you get laid?

No, your sister was out of town.

Hey!

Speaking of crack, won't be long till I'm tappin' that ass.

Gustafson, the only crack you get is the stuff that you're smoking.

That new management position is pretty much mine, so...

she and I will be spending a lot of time together.

Is that right?

Well, my man Lewis here, he...

he applied for that same position,

so maybe he'll be the one doing the cracking.

No shit?

No shit.

Well, good luck.

Yeah.

Homo.

So I was thinking, if you get that promotion,

maybe we could go to Europe in the spring.

Sure.

Or we could always go somewhere hot.

You know, like Cuba or something.

Yeah, hot. Hot's nice.

Well, which one?

Uh, whichever... whichever one you want.

Can we...?

Can we please just get rid of some of this ugly computer stuff?

Um... why?

Why? Because it's ugly.

But I use it.

- You're going to use that? - That...

That is a Commodore 64.

I wrote my first program on that.

Well, great, so it has sentimental value for you.

It doesn't have any for me.

Can I just put it away somewhere?

Yeah, I guess.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, it's the F9.

1 gigahertz processor, 500 megs ram.

Jesus, look at the SCSl ports.

- Can you even buy these yet? - Nope, not retail.

Thank you.

Hey, Jane. Why don't you come over here, okay?

Hey, everyone. Hi!

Why don't you come on over here to have a little talk?

So I've made a decision about this manager position.

Okay, now, these are never easy decisions,

but with Y2K fast approaching, it is important that we move forward.

Okay?

Gustafson will be our new tech manager.

Shh.

He'll be supervising our network,

and making our new server his top priority,

but I've also decided to split up the position

and hire a separate manager for the programming side, okay?

That will be Henderson.

Lewis will be supervising all the code that comes out of this office

and heading up our Y2K strategy.

Okay? Go, team.

- Henderson. - Hey.

Don't fuck up.

Excuse me?

If you fuck up, we are all out of a job.

So don't fuck up, then.

Excuse me? Don't you fuck up.

Don't you fuck up.

Don't you!

That was phat! Nice work, buddy.

Hi.

Hey, I didn't know you were an investor.

Yeah, I have a- I have a few investments.

Well, I just thought I would take a look

and see what it is you do all night.

Oh, my God, where did that come from?

Lewis, please.

You know what that must be?

That must be that virus that downloads, um-

Pornography.

Yeah, right to your hard-drive.

There are some pretty amazing worm viruses out there.

Would you stop it?

Stop it.

You and I haven't even talked in months,

let alone slept together, and now I find this?

I mean, is this what you're into?

No.

Really? You're not into, uh...

Teenage Gag Whores? Squirting M ILFs?

No!

Well, I have to tell you,

I was actually feeling jealous of your computer,

which was making me feel like I was going a little crazy,

but you know what?

That isn't so far-fetched after all.

I obviously have no idea where you're at.

I want you to tell me what is going on with you.

Right now.

Okay.

Do you remember that security software

that I installed last September?

Do you remember that?

Sarah.

I'll leave you two alone.

Where are you going?

Good-bye, Lewis.

Do it.

Come on.

Don't do this to me. Come on. Come on.

Fuck! Fuck!

Come on!

Fuck!

I've got this great idea-

Hi, Henderson, how are you?

Hi, Sanderson. Uh, fine. Busy.

Oh, good. How's your circulation?

As in my vascular system?

Yeah, you feeling okay?

I'm pretty good, yeah, you?

Oh, not so good. Yeah, my feet are asleep.

Both of them?

I woke up yesterday morning, and my right foot was asleep,

you know, which does happen,

and then, when I woke up this morning,

the other foot was asleep.

That's odd.

It is odd, isn't it?

Well, try, um, try soaking them in hot water, or cold.

Maybe alternate the two, okay?

Yeah, I'll try that.

Don't fuck up.

The server's online, shithead.

Okay, here we go.

712.

Error? Come on!

I said no fuck-ups. This is a fuck-up, fuck-up!

Yep. Sounds like the Wolfgang virus.

Hirotashi created it in '86 for the Japanese government.

Completely flips the binary code. It's simple, but it's-

Zoom in on that. It's all gone ginky.

Whoa. How are we getting framework errors?

We're not even using the framework.

Well, I used the framework for the encryption of the web files.

Keith.

I'm dead. I mean, she already got me on probation.

Hi.

You are Henderson, and Angela wants to see you in her office.

Don't worry about it.

Are you trying to tell me that everything was perfect on your end?

No. The HTM L was formatted wrong.

So, who did your HTM L?

Me. I did.

Lewis, I thought you were an expert on HTML.

I was- I am.

I just- I got distracted. It won't happen again.

I'm sorry.

Okay, well, fix it, and tell Gustafson when it's done.

As soon as it's done, please.

♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle ♪

♪ Jingle jingle all the way ♪

- Hi, how are you? - Hey, great.

Merry Christmas.

- So, how fun is this? - It's pretty fun.

Fun like a rectal exam.

I thought it was nice you covered for your friend.

I didn't, uh-

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

I always side with the downtrodden and underappreciated.

So, what do you people do for fun around here?

Secret video game competitions in the server room, what?

Not really.

Everyone's so clean. Everything is so clean.

You look pretty clean.

Necessary illusion. How about you guys?

I'm not clean. I didn't even shower this morning.

I am. Clean.

So, um, how come your girlfriend broke up with you, then?

Sorry, you know offices. People talk.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Sorry.

What do you want? Anal threesomes?

Horny Housewives?

Ass-to-mouth?

Is that what you want?

What do you want? Fisting?

Fuck! Come on!

Goddammit!

Oh, God!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Hi, Lewis, it's Sarah.

Long time no talk.

And, um, I was wondering

if maybe you wanted to come over for dinner this weekend.

I'm taking this Thai cooking class.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to seeing you.

So, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

- Hi. - Hi.

Yeah, so I'm managing about 10 guys over there.

It's kind of weird being the boss, but I think it suits me, you know?

Yeah, that's great. That's great.

I always thought that you were under-valued there.

And you've lost weight, too.

- No. - Yes.

Well, maybe a little. Yeah.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Hmm.

What?

Oh, it's just really great to see you.

You know, I had meant to call you sooner.

No, don't. I'm here now, in the flesh.

Uh, I'm going to use the bathroom.

Okay, yeah.

I think I might be getting a little drunk here.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

I can do it now.

I've been working on myself. I've been working out.

Let me show you. I'm a man.

Uh... yeah, I know you're a man.

I'm a real man. I have power.

Oh, Jesus, Lewis.

Let me show you.

Uh...

I think you've got the wrong idea here.

I've been trying to tell you tonight that I'm seeing someone.

Oh, you're seeing-

Actually, it's Sven, from work...

Oh, the- Oh, Sven.

Uh, the guy from work, with the hair?

Yeah.

That's cool. I didn't mean to-

You know, I just thought we could do it for fun,

for old times' sake or whatever.

I don't think Sven would think that was very fun.

No. No, Sven wouldn't.

I, uh... If you guys are hooked up or whatever,

I wouldn't want to... you know. I've been dating a little bit, too.

Nothing monogamous, just...

Oh, good.

I'm going to put my clothes back on.

Sure. Yeah.

You know, Lewis, you don't have to go.

Oh, I know. I know, I know.

Well, do you want to talk about this at all?

No, no. Talk is... Talk is over-rated.

You know, let's just- let's just keep on movin' on, okay?

Next thing.

Thanks for dinner.

What do you want? Huh?

I don't know what you want.

This is all there is.

This is me. This is me.

This is me.

This is me.

Is this what you want, huh?

Is this what you want? Huh?

Good morning.

Deep in, huh?

Chocolate milk run. You want one?

No.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm good.

I'm good.

Oh, I'm good. I'm good.

I'm good.

Oh, hi, Fredrickson.

Uh, do you know where the protractors are?

Protractors? I didn't know we stocked those.

Oh, that's okay. I just- I needed to measure an angle.

I needed to measure an obtuse angle.

Don't-

Can I get you a glass of water or something?

No, no, I'm fine. I just... get overwhelmed.

Try this.

Picture yourself on a tiny planet, orbiting a tiny star,

swirling around a tiny galaxy.

Then ask yourself,

"How does anything that I do possibly matter?"

That's not bad, actually.

I'm going to order you some protractors.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, God.

What did I say?!

Come on.

Oh.

- Damn. - Oh, shit.

Are you guys retarded?

Yep.

Okay, so, Lewis.

How's it going?

Um, pretty good. Pretty good.

Good, good.

Um, Gustafson and his crew

had an external evaluation of your code done, okay?

They found some really rudimentary errors.

Lewis?

Is that the new F-10?

Uh... I think so.

A friend had it sent up from Seattle.

Seattle.

Thank you. Thanks.

Um, so, Lewis, I know that you've been having a hard time

since you and...

- Sarah. - Sarah.

...Sarah split, but I thought you were getting over that.

I am, um, over it.

Well, not according to this report, you're not.

Um, you just seem kind of, um, distracted.

Um, so do we need to, um, think about a change, or...

Gustafson thinks he could take over the programming side as well.

What?

I wrote code for TechJock for years.

You wrote the solitaire game,

and it was missing the nine of diamonds.

Yes, and some people felt that that made it more challenging.

- Oh, really challenging, Gustafson. - It was groundbreaking.

Shh, shh, shh.

Um...

Lewis, all we're saying is

that we've only got five days left until the millennium,

so if you need help, the time to ask is now, okay?

Before it's too late.

No. No-no, no. I said that I can handle it, and I can.

Okay, well, that's all I needed to hear. Yeah.

- Oh, hi, Lewis. - Sanderson.

It's up to my waist.

What?

I shit my pants.

I can't feel anything below my waist.

Jesus, Sanderson, you got to go to a doctor.

I did! He doesn't know what it is.

He wants to write a book about me, Lewis.

You have to help me.

How could I possibly help you?

I know nothing about the circulatory system. Zero.

I know that.

Look, it's probably just stress. We're all really stressed.

Try and relax, okay?

Relax.

- You feel better already, right? - No.

Good, okay, just keep doing that. Try to relax, okay?

Hey, what was that thing with Richardson?

Fucking Gustafson had a friend at Web-N-Flow

do an evaluation on my code.

Didn't go so good?

Unh-unh.

I seem to be...

I seem to be a little bit blocked or something.

I can't see the code the way that I could before,

and these bugs, these errors, they're coming out of nowhere.

They're blindsiding me.

Dude, it's binary code, not Shakespeare.

If you just let somebody else help you, man, you'll be good.

- All right? - Yeah.

Fuck your face, you lying sack of ass shit!

Hello?

Peterson?

Anderson?

Gustafson?

Hello?

Richardson?

What's going on?

Something bad.

Ew.

Good morning. Good morning, everyone.

Okay. Um, this is going to be a little, uh, difficult to discuss.

Last night, one of our computers was, uh, vandalized.

What it looks like is someone drilled a hole in the tower,

and, um, had, um...

um... sexual intercourse... with it.

So, obviously, this is unacceptable behavior.

I hope this little discussion

will deter the perpetrator from further offence.

I know we're all stressed out, but, um,

that's no reason to go around screwing the computers. Okay?

Good stuff. Thanks.

Look at him over there, computer fucking motherfucker.

All that guy does is play with his computer and fuck his hand.

Why not combine two of his favorite activities?

Look at him. He's like a walking cum-sock.

That guy would stick his dick in anything.

Double-click, double-click! Ah! Oh! I hate myself! Oh!

All this is hard to believe, huh?

Yeah, sick. Sick.

Totally. This Y2K thing? it's like the Lord of the Flies.

When the shit hits the fan,

there's no telling what people are going to do.

Listen, fucking Gustafson asked me if I could help him out

with the firmware updates for the next few days,

so yeah, it would probably take me off your project,

if that's cool.

I mean, I don't really know what I can do to help you anyway.

That's fine, Paulson. If that's what you want, yeah.

Thanks, bro.

- Listen, we're still friends, right? - Yeah, why?

Did you work late last night?

I guess somebody left the office last night

and noticed you were the only one left.

I stayed an extra half-hour.

Do you know how many people have keys and code

to get in this place?

Yeah, I'm just saying there's been a little talk going around.

I think most people have dismissed it,

but, dude, you're, uh- you're an easy target.

What?

Well, you haven't been the same since you broke up with the girl,

and you're not dating anybody, so...

- Who says I'm not dating? - Are you?

- Yes. - Who?

I don't have to tell you who, Paulson.

No, no, of course not. I understand.

- Fredrickson. - Really?

Yes.

I hadn't heard that.

Well, maybe you don't hear everything.

- What the fuck are you looking at? - Not sure.

Oh, that's rich, coming from you.

Oh, and what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I think you know.

Know what? That I know?

What the fuck do you know?

Oh, I know some things.

And I'm not the only one who knows. People know.

People know what?

That you fuck computers in your spare time?

No, that you fuck computers in your spare time.

Ha! That must have come from the imaginary people

you imagined in your imagination.

You're the prime suspect.

Who said that?

Sanderson, Anderson, Henderson.

Oh, fuck, that's still a fraction of the population,

most of whom think it's you.

You're full of shit.

Oh, I suppose I forged this email thread, too.

Paulson? Anderson?

Yeah, that's been floating around all morning.

Thompson's got 100 bucks on you.

Yeah, well, it isn't fucking me, Gustafson.

Well, it isn't fucking me, Mendlesson.

Look, let's say for the sake of conversation I believe you.

And let's say for the sake of conversation I believe you.

Then who the fuck is it?

Run the diagnostic.

That was a type 219 error. Yeah, I know.

Fredrickson.

Henderson. How are you?

Yeah. I would like to ask you to dinner.

- In theory? - No, in practice.

When?

Now.

It's 11:30.

No, I mean- Uh, no, I mean, tonight.

- Tonight? - After work, tonight.

- Tonight, after work. - Yes, tonight after work.

Okay.

Fredrickson read a review of this new Italian restaurant,

so I think we're going to go try it out.

I'm thinking about renting a cabin up north for a week with Fredrickson.

Of course, you know, Fredrickson's lactose intolerant,

and I'm practically vegan.

But, uh, Fredrickson has a couple family things

that might keep us here.

I mean, I know it's early, but I think she might be the one.

Fredrickson, I mean. Is that weird?

What are you going to have?

Why did you ask me out?

Excuse me?

Why did you ask me out?

Um, why wouldn't I ask you out?

I don't know. It was a little sudden.

No. No, no-no. No, it wasn't.

It wasn't?

No, I had a crush on you for quite some time.

Really? Since when?

Since- since your first day. Since the day you started.

Wow.

Yeah, I thought to myself,

"Now, there is a woman who's comfortable in her own skin,"

which I admire,

but, um... I'm a little bit shy,

so it took me a little while

to work up the nerve to actually ask you out.

Is that okay?

Yeah, that's okay.

Keep going. Feather the brakes.

Little to the right, feather, and...

Stop!

You are a great driver, Henderson.

Thank you.

Well?

So you must be getting pretty tired, huh?

Not really.

Actually, I have this really nice bottle of Bordeaux

that I've been saving,

but, with the apocalypse coming and all,

I think we should crack it.

Oh, you know what, I would love to, but I just-

I think I have some work that I have to get done tonight.

- Work? - Yeah.

- Tonight? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay. - Maybe some other time?

Thanks for the ride.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Good night.

Okay. Check it, I'm totally tweaked about this,

but I'm just not cranking on the programming anymore.

What?

Yeah, and conversely,

I'm way more zeked on the hardware flow,

so, I'm just going to, you know, vibe with the Gustafson for a while.

Yup.

Sorry.

Yeah, why don't you go ahead?

He is really zeked.

Oh, and I don't know if you know this,

but T1 lines, they can only handle a narrow data rate,

so when you send me bloated HTML,

it's kind of like you're fucking my baby in the ass with no lube,

and nobody fucks my baby in the ass with no lube.

Henderson?

Henderson.

Hi.

Hi, Lewis.

Where you going?

Um, lunch?

Oh. Um, I had a really good time with you last night.

I'm sorry if I was acting weird.

I haven't really dated since my breakup.

It's okay.

Do you have any plans tonight?

Not really.

Because I would really love to try that bottle of wine

that you were talking about.

The, um- the Merlot.

Bordeaux?

I mean, if it's not too late, if you didn't drink it already.

I didn't drink it.

I'm sorry, I'm acting weird again.

I just, I wish that I had accepted your invitation last night.

Okay, but a glass of wine's just a glass of wine, right?

Absolutely.

It was 1987, and I'd asked for a modem for my birthday

to get my Commodore 64 online.

My on-screen name was Magneto.

- Nice. - Thank you.

Anyway, my friend Casper had started this BBS board,

and there was, like, one girl that hung out there.

She called herself Galadriel,

and we started having private chats, you know, late into the night.

We'd planned to meet one time at the food court at the mall,

and I showed up early, and waited, and waited,

and she just never showed up.

That is so sad.

I always considered her my first girlfriend,

even though we never actually met.

What about you? How long have you had the, uh...

How long have I had my leg?

Yeah.

Uh, well, I was born with this leg smaller than this one.

I go in for surgery every couple of years,

and they break the femur, and...

Blah, blah.

No. No, no, that's great.

No, I mean- I mean, I'm interested.

Did you get to get out of P.E.?

I did! I got out of P.E.

I couldn't really play like a normal kid,

so I just masturbated constantly.

I remember being in grade five,

and I had this really handsome teacher,

and I would touch myself imagining him lying on top of me,

and I just thought that that was the most erotic thing

that could ever happen to someone.

Like, not having sex with me,

just lying on top of me for hours.

So, maybe Galadriel was happy

to keep your relationship in the abstract.

Where is the corkscrew?

Where the hell is the corkscrew?

That way, she could imagine meeting you

the way she wanted to, right?

Maybe, yeah. I don't really know why anybody does anything.

People are fucked up, you know.

Okay, now you're talking my language.

Are you fucked up, Magneto?

I guess. Yeah, a little.

I think that you are a good person.

Really? How can you tell?

A hunch.

Why didn't you just tell me, Lewis?

What?

That you're blind.

Okay, can I make a confession?

Sure.

I have a problem. A serious problem.

Wow.

I got sports games, adventure games, puzzles, first-person shooters.

I know that boys like those.

It's true, it's true, we do.

And I would like nothing more than to blow your head off right now,

but, um...

You have to go.

Yeah.

- Thanks. - Okay.

Well, good night.

Good night.

- Good night. - Mmm-hmm.

FREDRICKSON: I got my coat, I got my purse,

I walked down the hallway, I punched in the code you told me.

Pound, it went "beep!" I walked out.

So, did you crack?

What?

Fredrickson.

Oh, no, of course not.

Too bad. I like that girl. I bet she's a real freak in bed, too.

I punched the code, so maybe you must have...

She's got her own style, and she actually seems to like you.

Man, you better close the deal soon before she... wises up.

I've just fired you, so, bye-bye now, you phone-basher!

Listen up, everybody!

Last night, someone broke into my office,

and, um, raped my computer! Okay?

Hey, what's going on?

As a woman,

I find this a particularly aggressive and threatening gesture,

so I am speaking to the rapist now,

and I think that's an appropriate term for what you do, okay?

You're a sick man, and I implore you,

stop terrorizing this office and sabotaging our work,

and seek professional help!

So, we got that part out of the way, um...

As for the rest of you, um...

gosh, I sure apologize.

But we've only got 39 hours and two minutes left,

so keep your eyes on the horizon, okay?

On the, um... future, because it belongs to you, okay?

Go, team!

Okay, so, Jacobson was out of town?

What about Peterson? He's weird.

No, it wasn't Peterson. I've seen his wang.

Okay.

What?

Yeah, he's packing a sledgehammer. Way too big for that hole.

When did you see his sledgehammer?

In here.

You took a look at his cock while he was taking a piss?

So what?

Who else?

Nobody. Why, who are you thinking of?

Oh, my God.

Oh, please, everybody does it.

Have you taken a look at mine?

No.

Well, yeah, maybe just to collect a little information

about that whole black guy theory,

which you seem to have disproved, by the way.

You are a little, little man.

No, no, no. I measure up quite well. Proportionally.

So, then, who fits the bill?

There's Peterson, Anderson, and Paulson

who are packing the king dongs,

but in Paulson's case, a little deformed.

Other than that, pretty much anybody.

- Well, that narrows it down a bit. - What about your little boy toy?

Who, Henderson?

- Yeah, he's about the right size. - No, he's too clean.

Plus, he was out with Fredrickson last night.

If you say so. I got to take a shit.

Hello?

Hey, it's Lewis.

Hi.

Hi. I just, I wanted to see if you were okay.

Yeah, the job was retarded.

Yeah. Look, I can help you get another one, if you want.

Um, I got something else more lucrative.

Angela's just really letting the pressure get to her

around here, you know?

Well, I set the alarm anyway.

I know you did, but, you know, even if you forgot-

I didn't.

Well, even if you did, I mean, it's not your fault that somebody...

did that.

I know that.

Yeah. So, you're going to be okay?

I'll be fine.

What are you doing tonight?

Um, I just have some work.

All right, sorry, never mind. I was just-

I was just worried about you.

You were?

Yeah.

How about I come over to your place?

My place?

Hey, where you going?

Um, I have to go home early. We can finish up tomorrow.

Dude, we have so much work to do.

I know how much work we have to do.

Maybe if you would do some of it instead of discussing my social life,

we'd be in better shape.

I'm just trying to sort you out, man.

Like you sorted out the framework thing?

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

So this is how the other half lives.

Early Post-Modern Geek. Nice.

Thank you.

Is that the super-computer all you dorks swoon over?

Yeah... Let me take your scarf.

Thanks.

It's nice.

It doesn't look so special.

It isn't.

Could I, uh, get a glass of...

Whoa. Smooth move.

Sorry, uh...

I like you, Lewis.

I like you, too.

But something's a little off here, you know what I mean?

Off? Yeah.

But you said that I was a good person.

I know. I just need to cool it a bit, okay?

I probably shouldn't have come.

- Uh, okay, um... - Sorry.

I'm not, um... I'm not good at this.

I know. I mean, me neither.

Good night.

Okay.

Good night.

Hello, soldier.

Hi.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

I'm good.

No, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm good.

I thought I was doing pretty well for a minute there.

No, you were. You are, I mean.

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's me.

I'm doing something wrong.

No, God. No, you're not. You're not.

Just tell me what you like.

I like, uh, I like everything.

I like, I like- I like all the regular things.

I like what you were doing. I like other things.

Do you want me to put my finger in your ass?

No. No.

Just tell me what you're into. I want you to feel good.

I feel good, I feel good. I'm fine.

Lots of guys have trouble performing with a new person.

I don't have trouble performing with a person.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. You're saying that I can't do it, and I can.

I just...

You know, this is a mistake. I'm going to go.

Well, I'm sorry, okay?

You shouldn't just assume

that you know what's going on for someone.

I'm a very normal person.

Maybe you were just coming on a little bit strong.

Oh, yeah, I see. It's my fault. I've been too forward.

Well, I hardly know you.

You hardly know me?

You ask me out out of nowhere, and then you play all hard to get,

and then tonight you're all into me, and now you're yelling at me.

There isn't a whole lot of consistency in your behavior, Lewis.

You want to tell me what's going on?

That's fine. It's easier this way. I'll let myself out.

Just- It-

Jane.

Jane!

Fuck.

Well, what do you think, Lewis? Think we're all set for the turnover?

I think so, yeah.

Good. 'Cause it's tonight.

I know.

So they did their final test back East.

Um, how did it go?

Oh, well, it went badly, which looks bad for me,

which looks bad for you.

Lewis.

Am I a bad boss?

No.

Then why are you doing this to me? Am I being punished, or...?

For what?

I don't know, for being an attractive woman in a position of power?

For not, uh, allowing you to objectify that womanhood?

Because this is bigger than your little life, Lewis, okay?

This is real.

If the West Coast databases crash,

it could send the world economy into a tailspin.

Do you want to slash your neighbor with a machete

for the contents of his gas tank?

Do you want to hip-check a little old lady

for a can of Beefaroni?

Do you want to be hip-checked for a can of Beefaroni?

Because I don't, Lewis!

I like this world! It works for me!

Follow me, please.

Well, everyone, I was meant to be catching a heli-jet

to the SIMS Institute

to promote our budding company,

but it looks as though my team needs me here.

So, um, Henderson, our fearless programming leader,

has temporarily led us away from the path,

okay, but we have every faith that he will right the ship

before the clock strikes midnight.

And I know that, um, you're all not thrilled

that I've asked you to come in tomorrow,

and, um, I know that you probably all have New Year's plans tonight,

okay, but I'm going to have to insist that no one leave here

until Henderson has completed the turnover code, okay?

This is a team, and we stand and fall together.

Go, team!

I'm gonna kill someone.

We're so screwed.

It's Murdoch. I'm positioned.

Say "over" when you're done. Over.

Fuck you. Over.

Where did you get this stuff anyway?

They're prototypes.

A friend of mine makes them. He says they're going to be huge.

Are you sure they're going to work?

Yes, they fucking work! They're high-resolution.

What kind of friends do you think I have?

Okay, B.A. Baracus, are you getting a picture?

Can we get one of these in the girl's bathroom?

It's up to my neck, Lewis. I'm scared.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

I don't know what is going to happen to me.

I wrote a list. I want you to show this to me tomorrow.

It says all the things that I'm good at

and that I'm bad at,

and it says what I'm proud of and what I'm ashamed of,

and I want you to read it

because I want someone to know what I am.

I don't want your list, Sanderson.

That's very impressive, Mendlesson. Did you work for the CIA?

I've just got to find the frequency.

What, do you got it on channel 3?

Is there a TV-VCR button on this machine?

A- ha! There it is! I did it! See, fucker?

Fuck-face? Fuckin' fuck-head?

I did that.

Yeah, way to go, douche-bag. It only took two hours.

Listen, we got to get in there.

I'm supposed to be helping Lewis with the code.

Henderson, I think he's our man.

He's too stressed about the turnover to be nailing computers.

Yeah, I guess we'll just have to wait and see who's right.

I guess we will.

Me.

No, I tried that already! I don't know what else to do!

That code, Henderson!

I don't know!

What's going on?

Fuck!

It's not fucking working, okay?

Hey, Henderson, where the heck are you going?

Henderson!

What the fuck's going on?

Henderson just snapped. He just... walked out.

Did he finish the code?

I don't know. I don't think so.

I'm starting to get worried about that guy.

Cut the umbilical cord. Everything points to him.

I'm sorry about the other night. You didn't deserve any of that.

But you were wrong when you said that I was a good person.

What?

I'm bad.

I smell bad. I'm going bald. I'm fat.

I don't recycle. I don't exercise.

I hate children.

But even if it means that you never want to see me again,

I have to tell you what I am.

Why?

Can I come inside?

You want to tell me what you are?

Yes, and I want you to tell me what you are. So can I?

Can you what?

Tell you what I am?

Uh, I don't know, Lewis. Maybe I don't want to know.

You can't just barge into people's lives

and tell them what you are whenever you feel like it.

Most people have to work up to these things.

Lewis.

What?

Lewis?

Tracy?

Oh, wow. You're a fan.

Holy fuck.

Oh, my God.

Take it easy.

Why- why would you do that?

Um, well, it's complicated,

but the short version is, because I like it.

This is what you have going on? You're a pornographer?

And a model. Every little girl's dream, really.

Going number one and two on the Internet?

- Don't forget three. - Stop it!

Stop! It's not funny! Why are you-

Stop making jokes! Why are you like that?

This is not a good thing that you do! This is bad!

Fuck you!

Who the hell do you think you are?

I don't know what you're trying to do,

but if you're trying to make me feel bad, it's not going to work,

because I don't do that anymore.

At least not about something like that.

There's enough problems in this world

without people inventing ones that don't exist.

No, it's not working! No, I don't know!

Henderson, where have you been?

I figured it out. We shouldn't do anything.

What are you talking about?

We are creating the problem.

The files are fine the way that they are.

So, um, tell me something, Professor Hawking,

why are all our tests coming back negative?

Because we're assuming the computers are gonna get it wrong,

and so we're tripping them up before they even get to start.

The best thing that we could do right now

is just to leave them alone.

Oh! Okay, well, so, all this work we've been doing

has just been a big waste of time.

A joke. A mistake.

You'll forgive me if I have trouble believing that,

Henderson, you flipping lunatic!

Okay, I should have done this six weeks ago. You're fired.

No. I can-

Leave.

Now, okay? Some of us have work to do, okay?

Get out.

Or I'll get you thrown out.

Bye-bye. Go-go, crazy person. Good luck.

Well, gang, um, it looks as though my head programmer position

just opened up,

so, um, who wants to be a hero?

Hmm? Anyone?

I'm sorry. I would do this myself

if my brain operated on ones and zeroes,

but God help us,

the fate of the world rests with the pencil-necked geeks!

People like me don't ask much of people like you.

Just make our microwaves cook and our cell phones talk,

and once every 100 years,

just stop our computers from blowing up!

Ah!

I'm out of here.

where do you think you're going?

No one leaves here, uh, until we've finished our task.

United we stand and divided we-

- Don't- - Pencil-necked geek, huh?

- See ya. - Gang?

- Good luck with your microwave. - Gang?

- Enjoy life without the nerds. - Bye-bye.

And New Year's Eve festivities are underway.

Riot police are on standby,

and authorities are advising residents

to stay out of the downtown area.

And now back to up-to-the-minute traffic...

Tout est en place.

Fuck, you scared me.

The stage is set.

You got any snacks?

I don't snack. Particularly not after 9:00.

That's the difference between you and I.

That is why you are fat, and I am skinny.

That is why people like me and you drive a child-molester van.

- Can I ask you a question, man? - Mmm-hmm.

Why do you always got to be such a fuckin' dick?

Okay, I'm going to stop you right there,

because you're being a homo.

- Look, man, I'm just trying to have- - Homo.

- Can we talk seriously for just- - Homo.

- You have to act like it's- - Homo!

You know what, whatever, man. Fuck, I tried.

What do we have here?

Oh, I thought she'd go down with the ship.

Fuck, she looks good.

You're fuckin' sick.

Hello?

Hello, Angela? Angela!

Lewis? Why are you calling me?

Listen, I know... I know that I fucked it up.

I know that, but I am not crazy.

I can't hear you above the anarchy, Lewis.

I hope you know that this is all your fault.

I know. I know that. You're right. But I can fix it.

Well, it doesn't matter now, Lewis, because I ran your stupid little code.

It's uploading as we speak.

You what?

Well, I wasn't hired to write the cockamamie code, Lewis.

I was hired to run it.

You think I can't press an "Enter" key?

Go away!

Now I'm talking to the police right now.

Angela, why would you do that? That is going to corrupt everything.

Well, when the West Coast Insurance people

come looking for me,

I will be sure to point them in your direction.

Because you're a loser, Lewis. You're a loser and you're a coward.

Even the computer rapist has more balls than you.

And that is really saying something!

So the thing about amateur porn is, people just think they want it.

Everybody wants to believe that the girl got mad at her boyfriend,

decided to fuck three guys at a kegger,

take a bunch of dirty loads in the face bukaki style,

but nobody actually wants amateur porn.

The girls are all zitty and nervous,

the guys are, you know, hairy and pale.

What they want is professional porn that seems amateur,

and I think that takes more artistry to pull off, frankly.

That's the most intelligent thing I ever heard you say.

Merci beaucoup.

What's up with D-Cam?

- What the fuck did you do? - I didn't do shit.

Fuck face, that was our fuckin' money shot!

It's your fuckin' cameras!

Cockface!

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God," what?

There's someone in there.

Who?

I can't see. These webcams are shit!

It's brand new technology! Which way are they going?

Towards you, I think.

Are we getting anything now?

No. Is the connection loose?

Shit, it is.

Fuckin' idiot.

Okay, yeah.

Oh, God!

Oh, Henderson, you fuck! I knew it was you.

Move.

- You sick, pathetic, depraved... - Move, Gustafson.

...impotent, pervert.

You don't know shit. Now, move!

You think I'm going to let you get anywhere near my baby?

She's too good for you.

- I have power. - Excuse me, you have what?

Gustafson, what's going on?

- Ah! Ah! - You're mine, Henderson!

Oh!

Gustafson, do you read me? Over.

Fuck.

Ah! Ow.

Fuck.

What?

No!

Morning, Henderson.

Everyone accounted for?

Maybe a little jolt was all they needed.

Your boyfriend dropped you off last night.

He didn't think you should be alone,

and he lives with his mom,

who I guess has something against guys

who stick their dicks in computers.

I really don't know what would make him think

that I would feel any differently.

So, I guess that's what you are, huh?

I was going to tell you, um...

'Till you, what, found out that you weren't the only one

with a secret, and then bolted, horrified?

So, was I, like, your, uh... beard?

What?

Your cover?

No, no.

Maybe, yeah. At first.

You got me fired.

I didn't mean to.

You know, other people have things, too, Lewis,

and they don't go around acting like goats.

They deal with it like human beings.

I know.

I'm going to go pick up my stuff. You want a ride or what?

Well, well, well, there he is. The moral compass.

Keith, um...

The guiding light.

I...

You, um...

Thank you.

Maybe next time, don't make a brother feel so nasty

for checking out a few naked ladies.

I'm sorry. I fucked everything up.

Well, not everything. You were right to disable the server.

The files adjusted just fine to the year 2000.

So, what's going on, then?

They're shutting us down anyway. Guess we outlived our usefulness.

Richardson's going to land on her feet, though.

She's a fucking war hero.

Are you going to be okay?

I was planning on quitting anyway.

My porn sites are actually starting to do pretty good.

- Your porn sites? - Yeah.

BigBlackPussy, BusterNut, those are all mine.

Sorry about the self-promotion. Just trying to spread the word.

You mad?

No.

You checked 'em out, right? They're good, right?

They're good, yeah.

I'm actually thinking about going into business with Gustafson.

What?

Dude knows his porn. It's, like, encyclopedic knowledge.

You got to respect that.

No! It wasn't me! Okay?

She's been watching you, and she wants to set up a date.

Fuckin' prick.

Fuck you.

Sanderson.

Hey.

Hey. Sorry, what?

Oh, nothing, um...

I was just wondering how everything worked out with that thing.

What thing?

The thing, with your body?

I don't know what you mean.

Oh. So, you can- you can feel again?

You okay?

Listen, it's a tough break, I know,

but we're in computers.

The future belongs to us, right?

Well, day's a-wastin'.

I got to run, but, uh, you take care of yourself, um...

Lewis.

And, uh...

Good luck out there.

Sanderson!

LEWIS: January 1st, 2000, was a relatively uneventful day.

A false alarm went off at a Japanese power plant,

a couple seniors hit the jackpot

when some Delaware slot machines went on the fritz.

In Australia, the fare machines failed on half the buses.

But civilization didn't collapse.

And as the world slept off its hangover,

the computers kept running our streetlights

and updating our firmware,

patiently waiting for us to wake up and get on with it.

Computers can't panic.

They can't spin out or cave in or second guess.

They don't follow opinion polls or fashion reports.

They operate according to known quantities.

If they can't assign something an exact value,

they don't assign it at all.

They're happy to process their ones and zeroes

and leave us the territory in between.

Hey, Fredrickson!

Why don't we just quit while we're ahead?

I think I've been more than generous in this situation, don't you?

I just, I wanted to say that, uh, I'm-I'm not horrified.

You said that I was horrified, and maybe I was at first,

but I'm not now.

Lewis, I don't need you to not be horrified,

because I'm not horrified, you know?

I do, yeah.

But I mean, are you, um, horrified by me?

I don't know, should I be?

I don't think so.

Maybe, um, worried and confused.

How about angry and disappointed?

That sounds fair.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Um, you forgot something.

Thanks.

I'm sorry.

I'm really- I'm really sorry about everything.

Can I ask you something?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What's number three?

Install complete.

Please reboot.

External hardware inserted.

Would you like to install a driver for your new device?

File not found.

Three is the magic number.

"Fuck" is not a recognized command.

Please try again.