Original subtitles

When do dreams stop, and where does reality begin?

Stop whining, you wimp!

Aunt Irene, I'm confused.

I have a hard -on.

When will my nightmare stop?

Soon, Richard.

Hopefully soon.

My friends and lover's office do it in the 57th.

But you need as much help as I do, Aunt Irene.

All you do is fuck.

Shut up, Richard.

My hands are poor.

Doctor

Bradley,

patient Doctor Bradley.

I'm nervous, Aunt Irene.

Relax, Richard.

Your sleepless nights will soon be over.

Phony bitch.

Irene, we've been expecting you.

Arthur. Dearest Arthur.

So nice to see you, Irene.

And this must be your nephew, Richard. Yes, it is.

Henry, show Mr.

Renfield to his room.

Doctor. Arthur, it's been so long.

Here you go, Arthur.

Well, I've been trying to take care of myself since my wife died.

What a way to learn about yourself.

Yes, traumas do have ways of affecting one.

Uncle Sybil will show you to your room. You may bathe or whatever you want.

Thank you, Uncle. Come, my dear.

Henry, see me in my study immediately.

Attention. The first annual sewer sanitarium rubber raft race is canceled

a crab epidemic in Ward A.

I put that new nut in his room.

Please do not refer to them as nuts.

Now, before you go check on the rest of the patients downstairs, see if Mrs.

Renfield needs anything.

Yes, sir.

That bastard Seward always giving me orders like he thinks he owns this

But it's that big -titted bitch Sybil who's really in charge.

Hell, this nut house would fall apart if I wasn't around here to wipe up.

Help me.

I haven't slept there, I can't stand the pressure anymore.

I need something to sleep. I've got to help, Richard. I've got to help myself.

You want help?

You want help?

These nightmares, I'm beginning to have them myself.

I need to sleep.

I need to sleep.

Get up.

You like that? Help?

No, no, no, no.

How do you like them apples, bitch?

Enough help?

You had enough help?

Tranquilizer. There you go.

You are a slob.

You are coming back, aren't you?

I need another apple.

Bring a bush.

This way, Professor.

I was making tremendous progress here. Go ahead.

It's Renfield.

Now the thing with him is he just came.

He has the same symptoms and cravings as all the other ones. They've all taken

on different roles with the same cravings.

But we all have cravings.

Yes.

She's eight years old again.

And he just plays his guitar and fornicates anything he can find. Holes

wall, straw, anything.

Was this how the West was won? Yes.

Cowboy, please.

Oh,

Cowboy.

A little tight, huh?

Put it in there, Cowboy.

Get ready.

Ride it. Ride.

You're good.

Oh, come on,

cowboy.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck me, cowboy. Fuck me.

Go some more.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Right, Lucy.

Come on, suck me, baby. Suck me.

I'm totally puzzled. I can't make anything up.

This is a real headache.

Nothing's different.

I suggest... This is the worst one yet.

We had him very relaxed, reading books, smoking a pipe. Now he's back in

costume. I think the marks may be lesions.

Maybe from a virus or something.

But one by one, same thing happens.

The primary cause of 99 .9 % of all human ills is chronic constipation.

Of course. Arthur.

Yes. Break out the cocaine.

He's serious.

Come here.

I just can't get you out of my mind.

I can't take my eyes off of you.

I'm afraid I love you.

You're making me blush.

I've never told anybody that before.

It scares me.

I won't bite.

Dr. Bradford, call it overflow on Ward B.

Attention, Nurse Luck. Full -tack patient expiring in Tub 9.

What would you like to sing?

You know the song, Swing No Sweet Chariot?

Coming for to carry me home.

Swing low, sweet chariot.

Coming for to carry me home.

Well, if you get there before I do.

Coming for to carry me home.

Tell all of my friends I'm coming too.

Coming for to carry me home.

Swing low, sweet

chariot.

Coming for to carry me home.

I have a theory.

We are dealing with the undead.

Vampire. Nosferatu. Nosferatu?

Yes. Nosferatu.

The vampire attacks the body.

He leaves two little marks.

Friendly. The man's obsessed.

He thinks he must devour living things. But, Professor, modern science doesn't

admit to such superstitions.

Brentfield has escaped.

Where did he go?

Master!

Master, I'm here!

I am Dracula.

I bid you welcome.

Listen to that.

Children of the night.

What music they make.

Mr. Enfield.

Where are all the bags you promised? The blood is the life.

Henry, wait.

Richard.

I'm locking him up so he can't hurt himself. It's not what's happening.

Take his straitjacket off.

Mr. Ranfield, you're looking much better. You bastard.

I'm here to help you.

Oh, Dr. Seward, send me away from this place. Send me far away.

Why would you like to leave?

My cries at night, they might disturb Miss Nina.

Yes. They might give her terrible nightmares, Professor Van Helsing.

A wolf?

I might have known.

We know why the wolves talk.

But we know how to stop them.

Ah! You know too much to live by, healthy. Henry, take him away.

I'm warning you, Dr. Stewart. You send me away from this place or you must

answer for what will happen to Miss Mina. You're a Nazi fuck!

What was the herb that excited him so?

Rosebud.

It grows in Central Europe.

The natives use it to protect themselves against the vampires, watching

closely day and night.

Make that prick as big as you can for me.

Don't move, I told you. Don't move.

200 years I've waited for this and this is all I get?

Make it bigger.

Make this damn thing bigger.

Come on.

Come on.

You're going to die if I don't get out from this.

Come on.

Fuck me.

Years I've waited and this is all I'm going to get?

Attention.

Attention, this is an emergency.

Bats have been spotted in Ward A.

Please put hairnets on all the patients.

Dracula, I hear you coming.

But I'd like to see you come too.

Dracula!

One, two.

Attention, Henry.

Henry, please get traps. We have rats in the basement.

Is Dr.

Seward at home? Yes, sir. Right in.

I'd love to be fucking him.

Dr. Seward?

Yes? I am Count Dracula.

I just take in Calpax Abbey.

Oh, what will be neighbors?

That horny Dr.

Stoker wouldn't be bad either. But he's busy now.

He's with that sluttish maid.

It's rumored she's been fucked by the chauffeur.

People in town are really worried about him.

Frightened for some reason.

Frightened? Why?

I don't know. Maybe it's because he's odd.

Different, you know?

No, I don't know.

I find him very charming, polite.

My dear.

Something you can learn from him.

Dr. Gillespie. Dr.

Gillespie. Line six. Phone call.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

But you know, you never see him in the daytime.

Only at night.

What do you think about that?

Nothing.

Yeah.

Townspeople won't even work at the Califax estate.

Why? Say it's haunted. Won't you please come in? You know, that place has been

deserted for a long, long time.

Yes. I have a surprise for everyone.

We have a new neighbor.

Count Dracula.

I'd like you to meet my niece, Mina.

Hello.

Her fiancé, Jonathan Hartgood.

Irene Renfield, an old family friend. Ah, shit.

One of my new interns.

Dr. Bradley.

Lucy Webster, Mina's college friend.

And of course, my dear sister, Sybil.

Count.

The Count has just leased Carfax Abbey.

It'll be a relief to see some light in that dismal old place.

Yes, indeed.

Will you all excuse me? I have a telephone call.

Maybe looks like it could use some repairs.

I shall do very little.

It reminds me of my castle in Transylvania.

It reminds me of that poem from school.

The walls around were bare as if the dead are there.

That's a good toast, Lucy.

There's more.

Let's cry for the next to die.

Oh, Lucy, that's enough of that. Never mind the rest.

To die.

To be really dead.

That must be glorious.

Why, Count?

There are far worse things awaiting man than death.

Thank you.

Oh, Lucy, yes, you're very romantic.

You may laugh, but I find him fascinating.

Well, yeah, I think so, too, a little bit.

I think that you could use someone a little more normal.

Oh, like your John?

No. No, like Dr.

Bradley. He's sweet, but I like a more distinguished type.

A more distinguished type will get you in trouble!

to piss up. How to?

Why the hell did I have to come here?

I sure could use cognac. Oh, the Quaaludes.

Oh. Oh.

swallow his cock whole, balls and all.

Good morning. Breakfast is now being served.

Don't forget your rubber spoon.

I lay in bed for quite a while, reading, and just as I was getting drowsy, I

heard the dogs howling.

And then this white, livid face came down out of the fog.

And I could feel its breath on my face.

And then I felt its lips.

John. You were only dreaming.

I felt so weak.

It seemed as if all my life had been drained out of me.

Mina, it was only a dream. Was there anything that might have caused that

Mina? No.

Attention, Dr. Seward. This Lucy Webster is not in a room.

Banette! Banette! Banette!

Banette! Banette!

Banette! Banette! Banette! Banette! Banette!

Banette!

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Well,

if you get there before I do,

coming for to carry me home.

Coming to, coming for to carry me home.

Swing those sweet cherry

eyes, coming for to carry me home.

Dr. Seward, when did Mr.

Webster have the last transfusion?

About four hours ago.

A natural loss of blood.

Back system.

Yes, indeed.

The mouth and eyes are blood.

On the breast, two marks.

Lady Dr.

Bradley, hold back the tears.

Don't be a crybaby.

Attention, we have some morphine missing.

Dr. Bradley, we are too soon old

and too late smart.

You tell him.

You make him understand.

I can't.

It's all over, John.

Our love, our life together.

I love you.

But I can't help what's... It is your fault, Professor. You are driving her

crazy. Sun goes down.

Another night will come.

That you should be afraid of.

And so we see it again.

Carnic constipation.

Attention. Nurse Lawson to cab.

Bring your enema kit.

Well, hello, Mr. Harker.

How are you?

Not good.

What's your problem?

Things aren't going well between me and I at all.

Not at all. Well, what's wrong?

Among other things, can you imagine what it would be like to be engaged to a

woman for three years who's a virgin?

No, Mr. Harker, I don't think I could.

Come with me. You want me in that cab?

Yes, I want you in the cab.

I think this will take my mind off my troubles. Oh, yes.

You're rapidly making me forget all my troubles.

Come back in. Let's get comfortable.

I want you to promise me, first of all, that no one finds out about this.

Oh, Jonathan.

You have my professional confidence that no one will find out. Good deal.

You know what you're doing, huh?

Oh, yes. You know exactly what I'm doing.

Let me help you with this.

Have you ever found out about this?

Mina won't find out.

I just got the doctor.

Where are you going, Baby Jane?

Baby Jane, come back!

Dr. Seward is missing the 14 -ball. Anyone going up in the whereabouts,

return it to the pool.

Baby Jane, come here.

I want your clit my dear.

Oh.

Dr. Sybil Seward, your brother would like to see you in his office as soon as

possible.

Dearest sister,

I was Count Dracula invited for tea last night.

Why shouldn't Count Dracula have been invited for tea last night, Arthur?

Because I don't like the effect he has on Mina.

Plus, any decisions involving the sanitarium do not make unless you

first. I mean, for God's sake, what is going on around here? All this talk

vampires. My staff doesn't listen to me anymore. My best intern, Dr.

Harker, Dr.

Stoker, has been ending up like all my other patients.

I'm going to lose my license, and the whole thing is going to fall apart.

I can't take it anymore.

I mean, what am I going to do?

I mean, I work so hard at this place. I can't. I don't want to lose my

sanitarium. You know I don't want to lose it. You know I don't want to lose

I just don't want to lose it.

Arthur. Arthur.

Arthur.

Look at me, Arthur.

Arthur.

Arthur.

Now, Arthur.

Come now.

Arthur.

Remember this.

Remember how you liked it.

I'm taking you now.

incest best.

Arthur's got to come on to his sister's breasts.

You know that, don't you?

Yes. Squeeze them together.

Squeeze them.

Squeeze them tight.

Oh, yes, there we go.

Now that we're feeling better, Arthur, and we are feeling better, we have a lot

of work to do.

Yes, you're right.

And so we're going to pull ourselves together and take care of business.

Right, Arthur?

Right.

Very well.

Arthur is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Real schmuck.

I advise her to come back in a couple of weeks when his condition, you know,

might have improved.

Ah, Count.

Good evening.

Count Dracula, Professor Van Helsing. Van Helsing.

With a name even in Transylvania.

You're most kind, Count.

Count, Arthur told us of your very kind offer to give Mina your blood.

Well, I wanted to help in any way that I could, of course.

Would you like to do it now or later?

Now would be fine.

Excuse me.

Tell me, Count, is this your first transfusion?

Yes, and I am a little squeamish about giving blood.

Perhaps you will permit me to gaze into your eyes.

And the residents are bopping, bop, bop, bopping. Oh,

there'll be no more bopping when he stops bopping his old sweet ball.

Wake up, wake up, get up, get up, get up. Let's cheer up, cheer up, cheer up.

Let's be happy, happy, happy.

Now I want to be moving just now.

We'll be right back.

Sibyl Stewart, come to Frog Dirty.

Before you go,

you can be helpful, Count.

Yes, of course. I would be happy to help in any way that I could.

The other evening I stumbled on a most amazing thing.

Forgive me.

I dislike mirrors.

And Helsing will explain.

For one who has not lived even a single lifetime.

But a wise man, Doctor.

Doctor? Prick.

Our vampire is struck now.

What are you talking about?

A vampire casts no shadow in the mirror. But surely, Professor, you're not

trying to... The strength of a vampire is...

Nurse, go down and check on Dr. Stoker's condition, please.

I'll get Dr.

Bradley to go down. I have a few things that... I am the one who's running the

sanitarium, not you. Go down and check on Dr.

Stoker and take Henry with you.

What a sick bastard.

Ha ha, big dick is sick.

Hello, Miss Lawson.

How are you, Dr. Stoker?

Oh, I'm just fine, thank you.

Why don't you get rid of him, and I can talk to you.

Okay, you can leave now. I think I can handle it from here.

You're 40.

Let me see those nasty bite marks.

Oh, these look painful.

They itch a lot.

It really shouldn't be shackled like this.

I just went a little crazy when that maid bit me. I'm okay now.

Why don't you just let one arm loose so I can be more comfortable and maybe

scratch myself in.

Okay? Well, let me release you then. Oh, good.

One arm. Uh -huh.

It involves sexual penetration.

Mixing the men with her blood. Why must Mina be the one? It's her only hope.

Tonight, Dracula will attempt this ritual.

Why are you looking at me so strangely?

I don't know. You... You changed.

You're still beautiful.

I am.

But I was very worried about you.

Look at the stars.

John, look at the stars.

The stars are beautiful.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing's wrong.

I love the night.

You know, it's the only time when I really feel alive.

You should go back to your own country.

I'm going to stay here where I am nearest.

You are too late.

My blood is mingled with Mina's.

Mina don't save Mina's soul, but her life.

Bahama.

You have a strong will.

Salam.

Oh, watch it. It's that big gray bat.

Back in the house if you're tangled in your hair. Go on.

Get out of here.

Go. Now. Yes, master.

I will, master. I promise. What?

Nothing. What did you say?

Nothing.

Nothing, John.

Attention. Attention. Dr.

Van Helding, please return the crucifix to the chapel.

It's Mina whom Dracula lusts for.

After all, she is the only pure soul here.

I want to warn her, but what the hell?

Thank you.

Oh my god!

Dracula has his new queen.

Despite the sexual terror of his reign, I see Nina.

She's found eternal sexual passion with her master.

As for the rest of us, mere mortals, we must be content with our one night

stand.

They love you.

No, John.

It's best that we part, John.

Bonsoir, John.

Proceed. Auf Wiedersehen. Au revoir. Adios.