Original subtitles

[cheers and applause]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[dramatic rock music]

- Please welcome Mr. Jeff Dunham!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ ♪

How you doing, D.C.?

[cheers and applause]

Thanks for coming out tonight.

It is good to be back in your fair city,

and for those of you who are applauding, you know who I am.

Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

For those of you who have never seen my show,

don't know my act, and you don't know

what you're in for tonight,

you think those people were applauding for me.

It's fake news.

They were applauding for the little guys in the boxes.

Am I right? Yes?

[cheers and applause]

But before we get going, I want to say one thing.

Comedians are supposed to make people laugh.

- Ha ha ha! - Thank you.

But today, comedians everywhere

are afraid to make jokes about just about anything,

for fear of getting canceled--

whatever that means.

[applause]

[booing]

But guess what?

I don't care.

[cheers and applause]

Look, if you tell a joke to 100 people

and two of those people get offended,

whose problem is that?

Not the 98.

It's the two boneheads who don't have a sense of humor

and are trying their best to ruin it for the rest of us.

And look, when it comes to politics,

when Trump was in office-- had a lot of fun with that.

And now...holy crap.

But please remember this.

If something is said tonight that offends you,

it wasn't me-- it was them.

Now you're ready for the little people in the boxes.

All right.

So right now, I'm going to introduce to you

my friend Walter.

However, before he comes out here,

he wanted me to read something to you, and it's right here.

He typed this up himself, and here it is.

- Ha ha ha ha!

- That's the guy that just realized

that maybe Walter can't actually type.

"Ladies, and gentlemen, and others..."

Oh, two people are leaving. Right there, I see 'em.

There they go.

"Tonight, we have a very special guest.

"Please welcome the President

"of the United States of America,

President Joe Biden."

["Hail to the Chief" plays]

♪ ♪

Well, good evening, Mr. President.

- Hello, Jerry. - Jeff.

- Jeff.

- We're happy to have you here.

- Thanks a lot, yeah. It's great to be here.

- Yeah, and I must say, sir, you look really good.

- Thank you, and yes.

That's all that really matters, Jack.

- Jeff. - Jeff.

- Well, you should look good, but you also

have to do a good job running the country.

- Oh, of course.

But that's as easy as riding a bike.

And as president, did you know

that I had done the impossible?

- No, sir. What did you do?

- I fell up a flight of stairs.

Three times in ten seconds.

First senator to ever do that.

- President. - President.

I think my son Hunter wants me to give up cycling for skiing.

- Really? - Yeah.

He keeps saying the powder's great.

[cheers and applause]

Sure. That kid is the smartest man I know.

- Really? - Yeah.

Which tells you one thing. - What's that?

- I know a lot of dumbasses.

- You know, I didn't see your motorcade

driving here tonight. - Nope.

- Why not? - Uh, the price of gasoline.

Have you seen it? - Yeah.

- Someone should do something.

Don't look at me. I just read answers.

- You know, a lot of folks are wondering

why we don't just produce the oil

that's already in the United States.

[cheers and applause]

- Wait--what?

We can do that?

- Aren't you familiar with our country's oil production?

- Yeah. It's fallen, and it can't get up!

Ha ha ha ha!

- Walter, I'm going to pause you just for a minute.

- What?

- You realize you're not really the president?

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

- Come on. Everybody says I look just like him.

- Yeah. - And somebody else is always

telling me what to say.

- Okay. If you're gonna pretend to be Biden,

do you want to have, like, a press conference or something?

- Oh, that'd be great. - Okay.

We have good answers to tough questions.

What are you looking for? - Teleprompter.

- You won't have a teleprompter.

- Then I won't know crap. - Okay.

- Can I use your phone as the teleprompter?

Isn't all this on there? - Yeah.

Sure. Okay. It's right here.

Read there.

- "Okay. Then I won't know crap."

- No, you said that. Okay. The next line.

- "Can I use your phone as a teleprompter?

Jeff pulls out phone. Walter reads phone."

- Not--

- What? - Don't read

the stage directions. Just go to the next line.

- Okay.

"Sweetheart, your doctor called and said your infection--"

- No. That's a text from--

- The hell? An infection?

What's infected?

Can I catch it? - No!

- Is it like Hunter got from the hookers?

- No! No.

- Does it itch? - No.

- A rash? Hives? Anal leakage?

- Stop!

- Maybe you should have stopped.

Hey, by the way, did Bubba J give you a present?

- Yes. - For some reason,

he wouldn't tell us what it was.

- Okay. I don't know why,

but he gave me a ceramic donkey.

- And you got it? - Yeah, yeah.

He gave it to me on the tour bus

right before we came in here. - And you took it?

- Yeah. - But you don't get it?

- Don't get what? - You idiot.

You just had your ass handed to you.

You dumbass.

- Do you actually know the Pelosis?

- Oh, yeah. I used to date Nancy.

- No. No, you didn't. - Yeah I did.

She was kinda hot, way back when.

- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.

But that was four score and seven faces ago.

- No. It's not--

So what attracted you to Nancy Pelosi?

- Never could put my finger on it.

Well, sorry. That didn't come out right, did it?

- No.

- See? This is why they don't let me answer questions.

- Right.

- I thought about what I just said,

and I threw up in my mouth a little.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I really am.

When you look in that woman's eyes, you really see something.

- Really? What? - Yeah.

- Cataracts. - Okay.

- You know, I'm also good friends with the Clintons.

- Really? - Oh, sure.

You don't live this long being a former friend

of the Clintons.

And good luck to you, after this special comes out.

- Thank you.

So during your first year-and-a-half in office,

your critics say that things really

started to go downhill for you after the Afghanistan pullout.

- You said "pullout."

Usually does go downhill after that,

you know what I'm saying?

- Can we talk about Mexico?

- Oui-oui.

Hey, is the vice president here?

No. Why?

- It's been so long, I've forgotten what he looks like.

- You know, it's a she. She!

The vice president is a woman.

- Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

A woman vice president? Yeah, right.

When's that gonna happen? Not till the 2000s.

Oh, two more just walked out.

- Ever since you sent Vice President Harris

to the Mexican border, we haven't heard

much of anything from her about that.

- Oh, bet she did what I do now and then

and just wandered off.

- Really? - Yeah. I usually get as far

as the electric fence.

It's like, "Guys, can I get through here?"

[chhhhhh]

Ahh!

Pull out!

Ha ha ha ha.

- We're talking about Vice President Harris.

- I know. Cana clana clama kalishama

kama kama shala la la ding dong.

Wait. This is how I remember her name.

It goes like this: ♪ Kam-kam-kam kam-kamala ♪

♪ Kam-kam-kam Kam-kamala ♪

♪ Kanala-la-la-la ♪

♪ Hoo ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[sniffing]

- Do you think you're fit to be president?

- Well, my wife thinks I am.

- Really? - You know, she's a doctor.

- Yeah? - Yeah, and we play doctor,

if you know what I'm saying.

- Great.

- You want to know what we do? - Not really.

- Yeah. Well, when it's time

I say, "Hey, honey, want to play doctor?"

- Great.

- And she's always like, "Well, yes I do."

- Yeah? - Then she makes me wait

outside her office for three hours.

- So do you still wear a mask while in the White House?

- Only at nighttime, and it's my Donald Trump mask.

- Oh. - I love scaring the crap

outta Jill.

I like sticking my head through the door and going,

"Heeeere's Donny!"

I love those idiots who wore their masks over their mouths,

but not their noses.

You dimwits.

That's like wearing a condom on your nuts.

- Say good night, Walter. - Good night, America!

- That's Walter.

- He's from somewhere down South.

Please help me welcome Bubba J!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- [giggling]

- How you doing, Bubba J? - I'm doing pretty good!

Thank you. Yep, yep.

- And I'm glad you're here.

- Well, I am very happy to be here tonight,

and I think the ladies are especially happy I'm here.

- So Bubba J, is your drinking--

- [indistinct yelling] - Okay.

That's my sister.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Guess the bus from West Virginia

got here tonight, huh? - I guess so.

- Yee-haw!

- So Bubba J, how are things going at home for you?

- Pretty good. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Who lives there now?

- It's just my sister and my wife and my drinking buddy.

- Oh, so you have three other people living in the house?

- [laughing] No, that's all the same person.

I love this crowd. - Why?

- My kind of folks. - Yeah?

- Hee hee. Looks like a couple of guys up front

are already hammered.

Oh, look at that lady right there.

Whoo!

She is hot.

Oops! That's a guy.

Sorry, sir.

Or they. Sorry, they.

But you have to admit, for a guy, he's kinda hot.

- Well-- - Aw, you know what I mean?

- Not really. - Come on.

When a guy's really hot it's like,

"I'm not gay, but if I was..."

- Bubba J. - All I'm saying is

hubba-hubba, my man.

- So Bubba J, do you pay attention to politics?

No. I'm scared-a any kinda ticks.

- No.

I mean do you pay attention to the issues?

- Yeah. I have a lot of issues.

- Are you familiar with our current president?

- Oh, sure. He's right there, in that box right there.

- No. That's Walter.

He's pretending he's the president.

- Well, so is the real guy.

[loud cheers and applause]

- You know, if President Biden runs for reelection,

he'll be 81.

- Oh, you know what else is 81?

- What? - My credit score.

- Oh.

- But your wife is well?

- Oh, yeah. She's great.

She looks good too. - I'm sure.

- Yeah. She put on some weight

during the pandemic, so now she looks even better.

- I see. - Yeah.

I know I don't look good naked,

but when my wife undresses,

hubba-hubba!

It is hot.

When she's wearin' yoga pants,

it looks like cranberry sauce sliding out of the can.

And it makes the same noise--

cccchhhup.

I love it. Cheap, sweet, and jiggly.

- Please stop. - You can still see

all the lines on her too.

- That's enough.

- That is my Thanksgiving right there, my friend.

- So you like her extra weight?

- It ain't extra. She's perfect.

- Great. - Yeah.

- And what do you guys do as a couple for fun?

- Well, we got a bicycle built for two.

- That's great. - Yeah.

Now I gotta find something to ride on.

- What about music? - What about it?

- What's your wife's favorite song?

- Hee hee. Whatever the ice cream truck is playing.

- So look, I know it's none of my business, but have you

and your wife ever joined the mile-high club?

-Ha. Buddy, there ain't a plane on this planet

that could get her a mile off the ground.

And you know, I hadn't told you yet,

but, um, we're expecting another kid.

- Oh, congratulations.

- Yeah. I want her to have it in the hospital,

but she wants to do a water birth

in our neighbor's hot tub.

- I see.

- Yeah, but I don't think a kid should

be born in the same place it was conceived.

[watery crying] Blblblblblblb!

[watery voice] I'm down here, Mommy!

- Bubba J, we've come to what I think

is your favorite part of the show.

- Can I introduce it? - Go ahead.

- Okay. Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the part of the show

where you get to hear what I think about stuff

after I've had a few, which is like all the time.

Yep.

This is called Bubba J's Drinkin' & Thinkin'.

Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.

Oh ho, there you go.

[soft music plays] Oh. There's the music.

Romantic and kinda soft and sexy.

♪ ♪

Can you look into my eyes?

Yeah. I know it's not easy...

'cause one eye goes this way,

and the other eye goes that way.

And you're looking at me, and you're going, "What the hell?

Which one do I look at?"

Okay. That's the wrong one.

- Just start. - Okay. There. Here we go.

I think that installing a smoke detector in my chimney

was a bad idea.

Sometimes I get so drunk that I can't remember

how to set my alarm clock,

so I just turn on my microwave for eight hours.

From now on, no more prostate exams,

unless it's by someone

who actually works in the medical field.

Whoever named them Rocky Mountain oysters

had a lot of balls.

I get comfort in the fact knowing that

those dedicated folks who spend their entire lives

exercising and eating healthy all the time

are still going to die.

I love Walmart because I can buy naval jelly,

petroleum jelly, KY jelly, and grape jelly

all in the same damn place.

But be careful, because only one of those

can be used on toast.

But grape jelly can be used on damn near everything.

Oh, yeah. ♪ Boom chicka wow-wow ♪

Why do they call it the lazy eye

when it's the one doin' all the looking around?

Ah, ah, ah, ah... hee hee hee!

At least if a guy runs out of clean underwear,

he can still wear a sock.

It's my only wiener joke. I swear to God.

- Okay.

- One bite of a protein bar, and you'll realize

you'd rather be fat.

Today, I went to a restaurant that had the LGBTQ+:

lettuce, bacon, guacamole, tomato,

quarter-pounder, plus fries.

But I do not want the secret sauce.

Artificial intelligence is what guys get

when they stare at fake boobs.

If the king of beers is Bud, doesn't that mean

the queen of beers is Busch?

And now, you're wondering,

"Why the hell didn't I think of that?"

And that's another installment

of Bubba J's Drinkin' & Thinkin'.

- Say goodnight, Bubba J.

- Thanks, D.C.!

- There we go.

You know, we all get stuck on our smart devices

a little too much of the time, and this guy is no different.

His name is Url, but you spell it U-R-L.

Please help me welcome the new guy, Url.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, Url. - Hey, dude.

- What are you doing? - I'm texting.

- I know, but why now?

Url? - I'm texting!

- Okay, but you know we have an audience.

- Yeah. A lot of them are texting too.

- Who are you texting?

- I just texted you, "Hi, Jeff."

- It says, "Hi, jerk."

- Oh, damn you, autocorrect.

- Why are you texting when we could be talking?

- Why are you talking when we could be texting?

- You know, Url, speaking in person is a better

form of communication. - Says you, Boomer.

- Okay. How about this?

Did you know that when I was your age, water was free?

- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.

- I guess next you're gonna tell me you paid for porn.

- Actually we did, yeah.

- But today we pay for water, and porn is free.

- That's right. I think we can agree on one thing.

- Good tradeoff? - Yep.

- Cool. - All right.

How about this?

You know, my generation invented the internet

and the personal computer.

- Oh, so without you guys, I wouldn't have my phone?

- Probably not.

What are you doing?

- I just gave you the highest compliment someone my age can.

- What's that?

- I just followed you on TikTok.

- Okay, but right now, we're doing a live show

for a live audience. - Why?

They could just stay home and watch it on YouTube.

- It's not gonna be on YouTube.

- Hmm. Yes, it is.

- No one here is recording it.

- Dude, you are dumber than you look.

- You know, things are not as good when

you just see it on a screen. - Yeah? Like what?

- A concert. Sports.

- Sex?

- I would think it's not as good watching on a screen.

- Yeah. You're watching the wrong [bleep].

- Look, this is a live comedy show.

- I'd rather watch it on TV! - Why?

- I can fast forward through the lame stuff.

- Have you seen any lame stuff so far tonight?

- No. - Thank you.

- Because I've been on my phone.

- So you're addicted to your phone.

- Yeah, and? - Many of us are,

but you don't think too much phone time is a bad thing?

- Just make sure the camera doesn't come on

when you're toilet texting.

- Well, I don't think that's ever happened to me.

- [muffled] Ha ha ha!

- Okay. How about this. Where do you live?

- In a basement apartment. - Okay.

Do you at least talk to your landlord now and then?

Some. Not a lot. - Okay.

- But she does my laundry, makes me pancakes,

and calls me her little angel.

- You mean your landlord is your--

- Yeah. My effing mom, okay? She's my mom.

- How about your father?

- Oh, you mean the superintendent?

- So it's not really your own place.

You live with your parents. - No!

- Yeah. You live in their basement.

- No. They live in my attic.

- So when do you plan on getting your own actual place?

When you get a job? - Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you're serious. - Yeah.

Do you have any aspirations?

- I'm thinking of becoming a life coach.

- Ah. What's holding you back?

- I gotta get a life.

Hey, what do you do for a job?

- What do I do? - Yeah.

- What do you think this is?

- Your intervention?

- Have you done anything with your life so far?

- Yeah. I have a room full of trophies.

- For what? - Participating.

- Okay. What kind of a job would you like to have?

- I want to be a stay-at-home dad.

With no kids. - All right.

Why do you still live with your parents?

They won't move.

- Have you thought about moving?

- Only when I bring home a girl.

- Ah, okay. How often does that happen?

- It will.

- What about dating?

- You're not my type.

- I didn't mean me. - Oh, now you're a tease.

I hate chicks like you.

- I'm not a woman. - Okay.

You know, you could be.

Yeah. Change a couple of pronouns,

and you're in the ladies' room, my man.

- Url-- - I'm seeing someone, okay?

- Oh! Okay. That's great. Who is she?

- Not exactly sure. I'm stalking her on Instagram.

- Stalking? - Actually, she friended me.

She is totally hot.

- A hot girl wants to be your friend?

- Yeah. I just hope this one is real and not

like that last girl who turned out to be

a guy in a van named Stuart.

- What happened? - Nothing. I swear to God.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- What'd your parents think? - My dad didn't care.

He said at least it got me out of the effing house.

- You need to meet a girl. A real girl.

- I have one. - You do?

- Yeah. I stole yours. - What?

- Yeah. I had to inflate her again, but she's mine now.

So to find your wife, which hookup app did you use?

- I didn't use an app.

- How'd you let her know you were interested

without swiping right? Did you just shove her

to the right?

- Url, you really need human contact.

- That's what started monkey pox.

- Okay, is there a type of woman you're attracted to?

- Well, I don't want to be canceled,

but I would like to date a woman who is a woman.

- I think that's a reasonable request.

- It's different out there now. One day it's, "Hi, Tommy."

The next day it's, "Hey, Tammy."

Not that there's anything wrong with that,

but don't buy your Christmas presents too early.

Last year, I was like, "Hey, Tammy.

I hope you like your torque wrench."

- Women can use tools.

- Okay, but if my girlfriend has grease on her hands,

I want it to be Vaseline and not Valvoline.

- All right, let's practice some dialogue for the bar.

A little role-playing. - Role-playing.

Does this involve handcuffs and a leather blindfold?

Because I've been down this road before, and it actually

does not have a happy ending.

- Look, I'm gonna pretend I'm a woman.

- That's how the other one started.

- That's really dark. - Only if you let 'em

put on the blindfold.

- Right. - It feels like

you've done this before.

- Just act like I'm a girl you want to meet.

- I'm not that good an actor.

- Just try.

You see me at the bar, and what's the first thing

you'd say to me? - Hey, dude.

- I'm a woman. - I knew it!

- Say good night, Url.

- Thanks, dudes!

- And that's Url, the new guy.

- Later!

- He's purple. He's wacky.

Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- How you doing, Peanut? - Doing pretty good.

How about you? - I'm fine.

- That's good, that's good, that's good!

Ha ha! This is great.

I'm so happy to be here. Do you know what?

- What?

- You are no longer 6 feet away.

- That's right. - 6 feet, 6 feet, 6, feet!

- Will you cut it out? - Okay, Jeff-fa-fa.

- Are you okay?

- I am fine, fine, fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Fine, fine, fine. Fine!

And you know what?

I'm exhausted. - Why?

- I don't know. It started a few days ago.

I'm lightheaded. Got a little cough.

- Are you saying you have COVID symptoms?

- No. I have vegan symptoms.

- Peanut. - I need some cheese.

I'm so weak! Hold me up!

- You're making fun of me. - No.

I just don't know how you eat like that.

All I'd think about would be corn dogs and chicken nuggets.

- Well, after a while, you don't miss the meat.

- Is that what Audrey told you?

[silent laughing]

[inhales]

- You know, the other day I had a really good vegan hotdog.

- [gagging] Dude, I almost hurled.

Next time, hold my hair. - Stop it!

- What the hell's a vegan hotdog anyway?

A limp carrot?

And that, by the way, was his nickname in high school.

- Nope.

- Limp Carrot Jeff-fa-fa

Dunham dot com!

In the locker room, he could make it talk.

- Please stop.

- He made it sound like Mickey Mouse.

"Hi, boys and girls!

You can call me Minnie!"

[mic echo] Ha ha! - Stop it!

- [echoing] Ha ha! - Stop it!

You're too close. - Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff.

Am I harassing you?

Sexuallyyyy?

[whispering] Sexuallyyyy!

I could always text you a pic...

of my d-- - Ah-ah-ah!

- Dog.

- Cut it out.

- Eew, I can smell the carrot on your breath.

- Please don't do that. - You mean this?

Cut it out! - Ooh!

Frisky.

Hey, do you know I have a new job now?

- No. What is it?

- I'm director of our new HR department.

That's right, bitches.

- Our HR department?

- Yeah, you know, your company with all of us

employees in the suitcase.

- Why would we need a director of HR?

- Been getting some complaints from the guys

about the offensive nature of your jokes.

Can't say as I blame 'em.

- Do you even know what HR stands for?

- Of course I do.

Hairy rectum?

Was I close? - No, not close.

Human resources. - I was close.

- Again, why do we need an HR department?

- To deal with the working conditions

under you, of course. - What?

- Well, we're forced to tell jokes

that can be taken as offensive, racist, homophobic,

and even anti-purple.

- I really don't know what you're talking about.

- Of course you don't, mainly because you're blanco.

- Because I'm white?

- Mr. Ritz. - Why do you call me Mr. Ritz?

- Because you're a ♪ cracker ♪

- Really? You just called me a cracker.

- Oh, no. You just called you a cracker,

because you made me call you a cracker, cracker.

- Hilarious. - Not really.

I'm sorry, Mr. Dunham, but clearly

my assistant will need to put all this new information

in a report. - You have an assistant?

- Oh, yeah. He's my right-hand stick.

Uh, vegetable. Let's get him out.

- Okay. - This is Jose Jalapeno

on a "Steek"!

- Good evening, Jose. - Howdy, partner.

- Howdy? Since when do you say that?

- Jose is no longer from Mexico.

- He's not? - No.

- Why not? - So as not to offend any of

our Mexican friends out there.

- Jose is suddenly now no longer Mexican?

- Correct. Jose is now an American-grown pickle.

- He's a pickle? - On a steek.

- Jose, this is ridiculous.

- It is not my fault. - Yes, it is.

- Senor Peanut made me do this. - Shut up!

- And you went along with it,

so now, you're suddenly a pickle?

- Well, I identify as one.

- His pronouns are dill, sweet, gherkin, and kosher.

- Those aren't pronouns. They're adjectives.

- And your adjective is [bleep].

- That's nice.

- So now Jose is officially from right here.

- No, he's not. - No, I'm not.

I came here on a bus from Martha's Vineyard.

Hey, Senor Jeff. - Yes?

- I just thought of something. - What's that?

- Senor Peanut, you are steekless.

- What? - I said you are steekless.

- I'm okay not having a stick.

- Is that what your girlfriend told you?

- Hey! - All right.

- Well, this human resource thing

seems to be going quite well. - Shut up!

- [throaty laughing] Jah jah jah jah jah jah...

jah jah jah jah jah jah jah

jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah.

Jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah jah

jah jah jah

[growing shriller] jah jah jah jah jah jah jah

jah jah.

[deep inhale]

- Not a lot of air in that stick.

- That's not funny!

- I'm funny. - Not really.

- Hey!

- Maybe you would be funnier if you were on a steek.

- Okay. That's not gonna happen.

- You never know. I did not see it coming.

- How's that?

- One second, I was lying peacefully in the sun.

The next I had a stick crammed up my wazoo,

and I was doing this crap.

- Who did this to you?

- White devil cracker man.

- Say good night, Jose.

- That's Jose Jalapeno... - On a Steek.

- There we go. - Yeah!

- Actually, I'm beginning to sense

that maybe you're no longer a good fit for our company.

- What do you know about human resources?

You're not even human.

- [gasps] That is human shaming!

- That's not even a thing! - It is now, bitch.

- Peanut.

I'm about to give up.

- Okay then. Back to your racist homophobia.

- My what?

- I just want to make sure you don't

make me tell any racist jokes.

- I won't, and I'm not racist.

- Oh, really?

Jose Jalapeno has a Mexican accent.

- Oh, so you're saying that having Jose in the act

is racist? - It is.

- And what if I took him out of the show?

- Well, that's discrimination.

- Do you not see how ridiculous this is?

- You don't wanna have Jose in the show because he's Mexican.

- No. That's what you said.

- Looks like you want to make your show more white.

What happened to diversity? - This is nuts.

- You don't like me right now, do you?

- No, I don't. - It's because I'm purple,

isn't it? - No. It's because

you're annoying. - Oh...my...gosh!

- I don't care what color anyone is!

- I bet you'd be upset if your wife gave birth to a kid

who was the color of me.

Admit it.

- I would be upset, yes, but thankfully

that would never happen.

- Just wait, pal.

Once chicks go lavender, they want me like a scavenger.

Oh, yeah. ♪ Boom chicka wow-wow ♪

You claim you don't care about race,

but I notice in your time off you're only with white folks,

like your wife and kids.

- They're my family. They're white.

- I'm sorry, but it's no longer PC

to have an all-white family. - What?

- Haven't you seen all the TV commercials lately?

All the families are now mixed races.

There's a Black father, a white mother, an Asian little girl,

and an Indian little boy.

What the [bleep]?

And they all love AT&T.

But seriously, you could get me canceled

from future employment,

so I'm suing your white cracker ass.

- Do you not see how hypocritical this is?

- Oyster. - What?

- Cracker. - Peanut!

- We can all be canceled. - Yeah. This cancel PC culture

thing is getting out of hand.

- Oh, your other hand.

And where is that, pray tell?

But you know what?

There are actually some things we

just don't talk about, right? - Sure.

- It's not funny. - Nope.

- I mean your other hand. - Right.

- Yes. Your right hand. - Yes.

- Just part of my effing job I guess.

- Yeah. - You know it's not

comfortable. - I understand.

- [bass voice] Oh, I don't think you do.

- Well-- - You know that watch you lost?

I found it.

That's right. It was in there.

- No, it wasn't.

- Dude, the alarm went off.

- You heard it? - Nope.

It was on vibrate.

- I'm sorry.

- Actually, that wasn't all that bad.

I started to look forward to every day at 6:00 a.m.

Well, I guess it's about time to get [gasps] u-u-up.

I'm just gonna keep hitting the snooze [gasps] bu-u-utton.

But I think we officially have a new time zone.

- What? - Easter, Pacific,

and Peanut ass time.

- You guys were an awesome audience!

Thanks for coming tonight. We'll see you next time.

Good night!

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Thank you, D.C. I have two little guys

I want you to meet here. Jack and James.

Come here, buddies. Come on.

Right now. Let's go!

These are my little guys.

And my beautiful wife Audrey.

Yay!

Wow. What a night.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

What a fun time. Did you guys have fun watching?

- Yeah! - All right.

Did you? - Yeah!

- All right.

Thanks, D.C. Thanks, America.

Good night, everybody. See you next time.

♪ ♪

- ♪ MTV ♪