Original subtitles

[groans]

[satisfied grunt]

Read it and weep.

An "A"? I do read it, and I do weep.

Oh, my special little guy.

Hmm. This isn't Bart's work.

He used an artificial intelligence app

called CheatGPT to write his essay.

So what? It's not illegal.

It doesn't have to be illegal to be unethical.

Your words mean nothing and your face is a butt.

Do, too, and... [blows raspberry]

[both blowing raspberries]

[Marge] Hey. Tongues down.

Just give me a moment to say goodbye.

[sighs]

All right, we lost her.

Dad, can you please explain to Bart

why using A.I. to do his homework is wrong?

Yeah, sure. Uh...

Relying on artificial intelligence

to complete assignments could undermine

the development of critical analytical skills.

What? You just prompted CheatGPT

to write that speech for you.

[Homer moans]

Give me back my phone brain so me father better parent good.

[Lisa groans]

Ugh. Those poor teachers.

How are they gonna deal with this?

"In conclusion, the protagonist embraces

"the story's central dichotomy of familiar versus exotic,

"thus realizing that he does enjoy

green eggs in addition to ham."

I'm supposed to believe that was written by Ralph Wiggum?

It's the A.I. We can't keep up with it.

-Help us. -You have to do something. -[overlapping chatter]

We're aware the students are using CheatGPT on their devices,

so in order to stay one step ahead of them,

we've purchased A.I. detection software.

[scoffs] Teacher's Net?

As always, the teachers are four steps behind.

[laughter]

We've only got five minutes in the server room

before lunch lady Dora comes down to spit chaw.

Oh, no problem. Just let me install this patch,

and detection software overridden.

Okay, they have destroyed our detection software

and somehow also locked us out of the microwave.

[scoffs] My ramen is in there.

It just keeps spinning.

We're not beaten yet.

We're installing a state-of-the-art firewall

so that our system is un-hackable.

[laughs] They think we can't get around a firewall.

Say hello to my little VPN.

The firewall has fallen.

[others] No!

Gods, man. We're breached.

That's it. We have no choice but to invoke

the banana option.

Why is all our homework about bananas?

"Einstein's theory of relativity

is a linchpin in modern banana science." Huh?

-They ghost-prompted us. -Explain.

-[both grunt] -I was gonna.

The teachers hid the word "banana" in our assignments

-in invisible white text. -Hmm.

-Explain further. -[both grunt]

[groans] So, when we pasted the homework prompts into CheatGPT,

we didn't realize we also asked it to write about bananas.

They banana us, we'll banana them.

[exclaims, sighs] We banana-ed them, they banana-ed us.

Skin-ner! Your I.T. spending is through the roof, Seymour.

The battle against A.I. isn't cheap, sir.

Well, the solution is simple.

I'm going to announce it today at assembly.

And why do I smell bananas?

Uh... because I'm happy to see you.

Y-- [groans]

I am thrilled to announce that Springfield Elementary

is now a phone-free school.

[students gasp, groan]

And all the homework will be handwritten in class.

[students groan, exclaim]

Trust me, cell phone distraction is the enemy of learning.

In fact, that was the subject of my master's thesis

at The Ogdenville State University.

This is just like Animal Farm, and we're the bananas.

Everyone, put your phone in these pouches,

which renders them unusable until the end of the day.

[detector beeps]

Nice try, bucko.

[chuckles]

[sighs] You know, I used to like Chalmers

'cause he'd yell at Seymour.

Thanks to him, I know what the word "impotent" means.

This has gone too far. We've got to get rid of this guy.

But how do you get a superintendent fired?

Gary Chalmers is like a mouse in a bubble bath,

squeaky clean. Hmm?

Huh? [groans]

Unless...

Chalmers said he went to Ogdenville State, right?

Yeah, that's where he said he did his master's feces.

Why don't we shake that thesis, and see what falls out?

Plagiarism? I'm not a plagiarist.

Well, we got an anonymous tip about some improprieties

in your graduate work.

Ironically, the A.I. software you authorized

to catch the kids cheating, it caught you.

But I would never cheat.

You neglected to put quotation marks

around two different cited passages.

And it's like the difference between "ibid" and "op cit"

means absolutely nothing to you.

[stammers] Comptroller,

surely these are inconsequential infractions.

We have a "zero tolerance policy

when it comes to plagiarism."

And I'm using quote fingers accurately

because I'm citing the author of our school honor code...

you.

[sighs] Hoist with my own petard.

Stealing from Shakespeare. You're shameless. And fired.

[moans]

Punctual, as always, Willie.

Leave him on the hood of his car?

As per protocol.

So, I guess my dad stole some words or something.

Anyway, he was arrested.

I-I wasn't arrested, I was fired.

Always told the students that, when they look in the mirror,

they should be proud of the person looking back at them.

Ugh.

Now that I'm no longer superintendent,

I don't know who I see anymore.

[sighs]

Yeah, I think he got arrested.

[exaggerated sighs]

Oh, a bartender's favorite song,

the sigh of a depressed loser with money to burn.

Actually, I, uh, lost my job.

Fired? Oh man, that's rough.

Yeah, we've all been there.

You can talk to us, or--

I devoted my life to public service,

and what do I get, hmm?

A backstab from the searing knife

of academic technicality.

And that's when I went from intendent to superintendent.

I took the title over the pay bump.

Never leaving a child behind,

even though, sometimes, I desperately,

oh, I desperately wanted to do that.

[sighs] Well, at least I've got a new place

to spend all my time, huh?

This must not come to pass.

I thought he was gonna be our Frasier,

but it turns out he's our Rebecca.

Do something. Talking to him was your idea.

Talking to him was my idea.

I didn't know we had to listen to him.

Hey, Mr. Fascinating.

You know what might make you less

of a massively annoying bummer?

I could get you a job at the power plant.

Oh, please. Why would they want to hire a disgraced educator,

a middle-aged man past his prime?

But let me tell you how citations

should really work, huh?

[grunting]

Whew, sweet silence at last.

[others sigh]

Get off my lawn, you drunks.

[bird caws]

[Homer humming]

Are you going to eat a third crumb cake, or is that about it?

Hey, it's Super-Custodian Chalmers.

Just call me Gary.

Rather not be reminded about what I am now.

How's your first day going?

Well, I've already cleaned the work stations,

de-gunked the eyewash annex,

and origamied the exposed square of toilet paper in each stall,

like so. Hmm?

Buddy, buddy, you're giving 110% right now.

You need to cut that in half to... um... uh... uh...

-55%? -No, that's way too high.

Uh, what about initiative and pride in a job well done?

[sighs] You're even doing too much work in this argument.

You need to simply appear busy. Come on.

Walk with me.

Actually, I'm pretty sure I outrank a janitor,

so I'm gonna need you to push me around in your trash can.

♪

Good lord. I mean, they're more checked out

than the public school teachers.

See? You're working too hard. Take a seat, relax,

enjoy a crumb cake while I explain

the most important thing.

You need to develop a sixth sense

for when the boss is about to--

Ahem.

Oh, I'm... I am so sorry, sirs. I--

Taking a break? Punish him, Smithers.

I'd do it myself, but that "ahem" took too much out of me.

The tunnels behind the cooling towers need cleaning.

Right now. Chalm-ers.

Uh, yes, sir. Right-right-right away, sir. Yes.

Ooh. [munching]

[mocking] Chalm-ers.

I mean, who talks like that?

If I had underlings, I'd treat them with--

What the hell was that?

Who's there? Wh-What touched me? Wh...

Oh, Lord Tennyson in a top hat.

Oh, dear God.

Some sort of mutated nuclear super snails.

Shoo, shoo now, shoo, go away.

Please, take pity on a broken man

who's had every last shred of his dignity

stripped away from him.

[hoarse screaming]

[hoarse screaming continues through vent]

[muffled screaming continues]

[hoarse screaming]

[panting]

[hoarse screaming continues]

Horror movies suck now.

45 minutes and there hasn't been a single jump scare.

[thunder rumbles]

[screams]

-Dad! You look-- -I know, I know.

I look like a pathetic failure of a father,

of a school administrator, of a man.

Shut up, I was gonna say you look amazing.

Really?

Bro, spill your skincare routine right now.

All I did was lie in a tunnel,

covered in the mucus of absurdly large snails.

Snail slime? [gasps] Did you bring me any?

Dad, give it!

Oh, why on earth would you want snail mucus?

It's called mucin, stupid.

It contains regenerative healing properties and boosts collagen.

T.L.D.R., it makes your face snatched.

People pay, like, actual money for it.

They pay for this mucin?

♪

Sir, for the Christmas card this year,

would you like the hounds' pajamas to match yours

or just tastefully complement them?

Hmm... Can we prepare both and decide on the day?

Oh, absolutely.

Gentlemen.

Oh, Smithers, I must thank you for firing

that old janitor yesterday.

It's invigorating to see some fresh young faces around here.

Actually, I-I think that is the same old janitor.

-The very same. -[Smithers] But how?

You look amazing. Spill your skincare routine right now.

You know my daughter Shauna said the same thing.

Shauna Chalmers complimented you? That's huge, sir.

Mm...

I believe that the slime of the specially adapted snails

here at the plant rejuvenated my skin,

and I have a way to monetize it.

And why should we listen to you?

[gasps] A businessman.

[gasps] A business plan.

Gentlemen, snail mucin as skincare

is a four-billion-dollar-a-year business.

You have the raw material, the manpower,

and the infrastructure.

All you're missing is a visionary

who can take this enterprise to the next level. Me.

♪

Yes. Yes, quite.

Welcome to Men-trepreneurs,

the podcast

that finally celebrates companies run by and for men.

[audience cheers]

Today, we look at the rocketing success

of the men's skincare brand Escarbro.

Please welcome the founder and CE-bro, Gary Chalmers.

[audience applauds]

Well, it's an honor to be here.

And, you know, I've been a Patreon supporter of yours

ever since five dollars a month became nothing to me.

So, Gary, you used to be in the public sector, no?

[audience boos]

Yes, "boo" my lost decades.

However, I have nothing but gratitude for that broken path

because it brought me to a dank tunnel of snail secretions.

Gratitude is huge.

So grateful for it.

Gratitude's my oxygen.

Oh, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Thanksgiving's my Christmas. We don't even celebrate Christmas,

just two Thanksgivings.

Well, uh, anyway, that nuclear snail hole--

and I-I write about this in the book--

it "phase shifted" me

from a misguided do-gooder into a disruptive entrepreneur.

Your marketing strategy is revolutionary.

You're making normal guys feel insecure about their looks.

I mean, that's the kind of insecurity that, up until now,

only women were allowed to feel.

Well, at the end of the day, it's about lifting people up.

So grateful.

Escarbro is lighting the 'Gram, the 'Tok, and the 'Tube on fire

with its use of "ug-fluencers".

Hey, guys. Get ready for bed with me

as I dab on my Escarbro Mansturizering Serum for Men.

I have been super self-conscious about my hyperpigmentation

ever since Escarbro online as explained what it was

and that I should be super self-conscious about i.

But now...

Damn, Homer!

You make sure you subscribe so you never run out.

I'm using Escarbro Macho Time Puffiness Pulverizer.

-Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab. -Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.

Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.

Trust me, youse got to subscribe.

With this goo, open casket is actually an option over here.

[all men] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.

If I was a marketing paradigm, I'd be like,

"Stop shifting me, bro." [laughs] You know? So grateful.

How are you keeping up with all this demand?

Well, to keep the slime oozing, we scoured the globe

to find the world's leading snail handlers.

♪

Oh, I see, Claudia.

I bring the romaine, and suddenly we're friends again.

-Now, that's a return on investment. -[laughter]

Amazing turnout.

Oh, yes, it's a real him's him

of direct-to-masculine-customer giants.

Waylon, meet Vijay from Vijay's ButtPants.

Antoine, who dominates the goat colostrum

protein frozen yogurt space.

No proven downside.

And Dirk Denchley,

the CEO of Father D's High-T Testosterone Tea Bags.

Gary, your website has the hardest-to-find

"cancel subscription" button in the business. Brilliant, bro.

Oh? Well, that wasn't intentional.

Come on, dude. Our whole business model

is people signing up for subscriptions

that they forgot to cancel.

It seems a bit underhanded. A-Although, uh...

A toast to the suckers.

May they never check their credit card statements.

Yeah, um, salut.

It's so weird having a super-rich dad

who people think is cool.

It's also weird having a juice bar in your living room,

but, uh... great idea, honey. Great.

I was kidding, but whatever. [slurps]

You know, my friends can't get enough of your anti-aging goo.

Wait a minute, high school kids are using Escarbro?

Oh, God, yeah. Everyone wants to have kindergarten skin.

Yeah, but we-we weren't marketing to kids. I...

Well, I guess there's no harm, right?

Can I have a new pony? This one pooped.

Uh, of course, sweetie.

[neighing]

Ugh, dappled? Fine.

Welcome back, sir. The children are gonna love

hearing about your journey to financial success, and, uh,

might I say, your beard has grown in remarkably dark.

Oh, I use an adaptogen matcha spore powder.

[sighs] You know, I spent so much of my life

in public education,

but I never felt I was doing good in the world

until I started selling creams for men.

Plus, even as a janitor

I made more money than as a superintendent.

Are you saying there's an open janitor position?

Sorry I'm late. I had to charge my light therapy mask.

What a unique child.

These days, not so unique.

♪

[both] Dab, dab, dab.

Oh, no, I look 12! [whimpers]

Make with the hydrating toner spray, now!

Just don't forget your décolletage.

I had no idea our industry reached children this young.

[whirring]

How can they focus on learning

while they're worrying about all this?

[student] Hey, Escarbro guy.

[all] Ga-ry.

[shouts] God.

Can I have a free sample?

Do you have a promo code?

Make my name a promo code.

Promo code Devin exclamation point.

-[all clamoring] -Yeah, we want the code.

[clamoring continues]

Whew. [exclaims]

[boys] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.

Greetings. [gasps]

Good lord.

Um... would you excuse me for just one moment?

I-I-I have to do something. Pardon me.

The phone-banning guy can't get off his phone. Ironic.

Hey, that is irony. Very accurate heckling, Bart.

-Thank you. I love you. -What?

Nothing.

Now, I've always believed that everyone should be able

to look in the mirror and be proud

of the person looking back at them.

And right now, as I look at myself in the...

reflection of your smooth, poreless,

vigorously moisturized little faces,

I am not proud.

I look ridiculous.

You all, all of you, look ridiculous.

Sir, sir, I'm on the hiring web page.

It wants me to attach my résumé as a PDF,

but I only have it as a JPEG.

When I was a public servant, it was my job to educate you,

but also to protect you.

Protect you from people like me.

Social media swindlers who profit off of insecurities

that you shouldn't even have yet, or ever.

[sparks crackle]

Oh, who am I kidding? I am a superintendent,

whether I like it or not.

And as of right now,

I am banning all skincare products from school grounds.

-[students gasp] -You can't do that. You don't work here anymore.

Well, as a matter of fact, I can and I do.

I just bought Springfield Elementary at auction

in the section for "VCRs and public schools."

[all gasp]

Teachers, get those phone pouches

back out here and fill them

with all of that preposterous skin-care.

Thanks for waiting for me, old friend.

Why, on a competition baking show,

do they need to have an opening sketch?

Just get to the "and bake."

You think the crew gets to eat all the cakes

they drop on the ground?

Dad, are we poor again?

Now, don't worry, honey,

I still have a small stake in the skincare company,

and those nuclear snails,

they're never gonna stop sliming.

[laughs]

I heard it was someone's special day.

Fergus, get over here.

Birthday treats for everyone.

Salty potato chips and buckets of beer.

Aw, they like it so much, they're shaking with joy.

More like shriveling.

Maybe too much shriveling?

[all groan]

Uh, let's call it a day.

Seymour, you got this, right?

[sighs] I hope they at least let me keep the coveralls.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Ooh.

[munching]

Whoever invented eating crumb cake in a trash can

was a genius.

Wait a minute.

I think I invented eating crumb cake in a trash can.

I'm gonna be rich!

And then I'm gonna buy so many trash cans!

[munching]

♪ Eating crumb cake in a trash can ♪

♪ Spraying crumbs around ♪

♪ Because I'm in a trash can ♪

♪ No crumbs are on the ground ♪

♪ Don't need a broom or a dustpan ♪

♪ Something, something, trash can! ♪

[munching]

Shh!