All language subtitles for The.Baltimorons.2025.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264 (SDH)

♪♪

♪♪

[Door opens, slams]

-[Sniffling]

[Sobs]

[Bottle shatters]

Ah...

[Sighs]

There.

[Grunts]

Okay.

Two, one.

[Grunts]

Really?

["O Christmas Tree" plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Jazzy version begins]

♪♪

♪♪

-How did the meeting go?

-Pretty well.

I, uh, was trying
to make change

in the donation basket,
and I only had a 20,

so I was trying to get 17 back.

Three bucks
I thought was enough.

But, yeah, the lady who was

speaking was like,
"Seriously, man?"

-[Laughing]
Because she thought

you were stealing
from the donation basket.

-Oh, I think I was just being
too noisy, that's all.

She didn't think
I was stealing.

So, yeah,
that's all that happened.

That is...

I think --

I think -- I think that's
all that kind of happened.

-Hmm.

-Nothing at all
seemed to be cool.

-What's in your mouth?
-I'm just having a chip.

-What is that?
-Nothing. Nothing.

-What is that? Let go, let go.

I don't wanna hurt your teeth.
Let go, let go.

Six months?

-Just a little chip.

-This is a big chip.

-Six months in a row.

-Well, I'm really proud of you.

This is a really big step.

-Thank you.
Yeah, it's half a year.

-I am so --
-Oh, gee. Oh, wow. Drunk driver!

-That isn't a funny joke.

-I know.
That's not funny at all.

-You haven't been
a drunk driver for six months.

♪♪

Yeah, no, we can definitely work
on your timeline.

It was Cliff's dad's house,
so it's empty.

Yeah. Yeah.
I wanna completely gut it.

Awesome. I --
I'll talk to you soon, hon.

Okay, bye.

So that was Timmy's
cousin's friend, Hunter.

And he's not a contractor yet,
but I think that's a good thing.

-Yeah. No, that's --
-That would be cheaper.

-That's really, really great.
-Yeah.

[Cell phone chimes]
-That's a good move.

-W...

W-Why is he saying,
"See you tonight?"

-I have no idea. It's nothing.

-Why is Marvin texting you
about a show?

-It's nothing.

-What are you all doing
out there?

You coming in or not?

-Hey, Ms. McIntyre,
we're coming in right now.

Okay?
We're just gathering our wares.

Seriously, it's nothing.

[Grunts]

I made my mom's world famous

sweet potato casserole for you.

-We already have my sweet
potato casserole, but thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Hey, Mom, can you actually
just give us one -- one minute.

What is going on?
-Nothing. Seriously.

Marvin is doing this

Christmas Eve
pop-up comedy show,

and I've told him several times,
I'm not doing it.

-But why is he texting you,
"See you tonight?"

-I don't know. I've told him
twice now, I'm not doing it.

-Brittany.
I need help with the crab balls.

-Yeah, we're -- I'm --
I'm coming.

Remember you promised me,
no more alcohol,

no more comedy shows.

-Yes. Don't wanna do
a show tonight.

All right?
-Here they go again.

-Are you being straight with me?

-Yes, 100% I'm being
straight with you.

-Are you sure?
-All right? Yes. I'm not lying.

I do not --
-It's in the past.

-I do not wanna do a comedy
show, I really don't.

All right? Look.
Where's my phone?

Here. Hold that.
I will show you.

I've texted him twice now.
See?

And I'm gonna text him again,
"I'm not doing the show."

Okay?
-I am -- I'm sorry.

-All right? Here we go.
-I'm sorry. I just --

I thought --
-Yeah. Merry Christmas.

No, I don't wanna do it.

-I was worried you
were backsliding or something.

[Message sent chime]

Merry Christmas.
-Oh, Merry Christmas.

-Ohh! Oh, oh!
-Oh, my God.

My God.
-Cliff, what just happened?

-Mm. God.
-What did you just do?

-Ow.

Ohh.
-Oh, my God.

-Uh-oh.
-What? Holy shit.

Ew!

♪♪

-Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Hello?
Hey. H-Hi.

Is this the dentist?

Yes. Um, are you open?

'Cause I've tried a bunch
of you guys, and you're not.

Okay. I'll be there.
Where are you located?

♪♪

♪♪

Hello? Hello? Ow. Ow.

Come on.

-You can stop that now.

-Sorry. Oh, are you the --
are you a dentist?

-I am.
-Great.

Do you need this?
-Hang on to it, will you?

-Okay.

Hard to get a dentist nowadays.

-It's Christmas Eve.
-Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Oh.

Is that your family?

Oh, no. Have I messed up
your Christmas?

-Just sign these two forms.

-Yeah. All right.

[Winces]

Should I come back there?
-Yeah, let's go.

Okay -- Ow.

[Groans]

Uh...
What's the needle situation?

-The situation is
that we use needles.

Uh, is there any way
we can work around that?

-Well, it can't hurt any more

than what's going on
in there right now.

Sit.

I'll just hang this
up for you.

-Sorry.

I put my napkin
on for you.

-Lovely. All right, lean back.
Open your mouth.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is that?

-It's just a topical, it's gonna
numb you for the needle.

Ow!
-I'm sorry. A-Are you okay?

Yeah. [Sighs] You're hardly
gonna feel anything.

You're a big strong guy.
-Okay. I know it's stupid.

Just do it, all right? I...

Ah, ah.

Mm.
-Keep that there.

Oh...ah...

-How we doing?

-Better. A little better.

Can we -- Can we just use
the topical?

-That's not gonna cut it.

-[Breathing raggedly]

-Okay. Open your mouth.

-[Gasps]

-Hello?

Huh?

[Message sent chime]

-Ha! Aha!

How?

[Gas hissing]

How?

Hey.

How? Ah.

-You feel that?
You should be really numb.

-I don't feel anything.

Did that big thing go in
my mouth yet?

-It sure did.
-Oh, my God.

-All right.
This is temporary filling.

You will not feel it at all.

-It's like a construction site
in there, huh?

-Shh-shh-shh.
-[Imitates machinery]

-Okay. Please keep quiet.

-Like men at work. Sorry.
Sorry. Women at work.

Oh, actually...

people at work.

-Open.

-Oh, little party light,
huh?

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
-Shh.

[Chuckles] Party.
♪ Ah ah ah ♪

Oh, party's over.

-You need to keep your mouth
dry, so if you keep talking,

I'm gonna have to put
a muzzle on you.

-[Laughing, snorting]

-All right, I'm just gonna
look in here again

and see
if everything looks just great.

-Wow.

Look at her go.

-It's nice.
-Yeah. It's nice.

-Yep.
-Yep.

-We did good.

-Wow.

You're so pretty.
[Chuckles]

-You're on nitrous, buddy.

-Doesn't mean you're
not like a superhero.

A super pretty hero.
Super pretty woman hero.

-All right,
I'm putting in the spacer.

-For real? Come on man.

Ah, okay.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

You smell nice.
You smell very nice.

-I don't know if you know
this or not,

but you are not allowed to tell
women how they smell anymore.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I -- I have a girlfriend
who smells, too.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you. Yeah, she's smelly.

She wants to move
into the scary house.

I don't wanna go there.

[Cell phone ringing]

-Uh, I'm gonna have
to take this.

-Do you have a -- a bathroom?
Because I gotta --

I gotta tee-tee.

-What's going on?

-Okay, so Dad is -- he
and Patty got -- got married.

Sorry. And he's saying
he's basically doing

this celebratory
get-together thing.

-When?
-Tonight.

I don't wanna go,
but I kind of feel like I --

-No, when did they get married?

-This morning.

At the courthouse.

-So they're doing their
reception on Christmas Eve?

-Ah.

A pink cloud.

-He did tell me to invite you.

-That's fantastic.
Best Christmas ever.

-I feel really bad, Mom.

I -- I know Christmas Eve
is your favorite.

-Yeah. No, I'm sorry.
It's great. It's fine.

It's g-- It's okay.
-Sorry, Mom.

Did you cook
everything already?

-No. No.
I'll cook everything tomorrow,

and then you come over
after you're done.

Whenever you want.
-Okay. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Merry Christmas.

I love you, Mom.
I'll see you tomorrow.

-Merry Christmas. I love you.

[Exhales sharply]

[Sniffles]

[Toilet flushing]

God.

-Everything okay?

-Everybody's always eating
my goddamn snacks.

If you come back Monday,
I'll put the crown in.

-Okay. Um, sounds great.

-How's 9:15?

-That sounds good.

Um...

Hey, if you're hungry,
my girlfriend's mom has this

delicious Christmas spread.

Lot of food.

It's actually just RoFo,
chicken, western fries.

But if we get there
early enough,

we can get some crab balls.

-No.

Thank you.

-I mean, you got the thorn
outta the grizzly bear's ball.

I feel like I owe you.

-We'll settle your bill
on Monday.

-All righty.
Looking forward to it.

Oh, man. That's not good.

That is not good.

Come on, Cliff. Golly.

And we're surge pricing.

Oh, an hour fifteen.

Wonderful.

Okay.

It's all gonna be okay.

[Line ringing]

-Hello?
-Hey. Um...

-Hey.
-I might be a little bit late.

Is the food already ready?
-Almost. Are you okay?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm completely fine.

But just promise
you won't get mad.

But my car got towed.
-Again?

-And it's surge pricing
right now.

And...
-Brittany.

-Is there any way that
maybe you could just like...

-Hold on. I'm coming!
-...pop out for --

-My mom's burning
the crab balls.

Gotta run. Sorry.

Just let me know when you're on
your way, okay?

-Of course. Yeah. Okay.
-Okay. Yep. See you soon.

-Okay. Bye. Yep. Great.

Well, I could just hitchhike
from downtown Baltimore.

That's probably good.

-What is it?

-Just my car got towed and
nobody is able to come get me.

So, do you know
where the closest bus stop is?

-Come on. I'll drive you
to the tow lot.

-No, no, no, no, no.

You have done more
than enough for me, Dr. Lady.

Just -- Is it doctor?
Is it just doctor? I'm sorry.

-Doctor is fine.
-Okay, great.

But seriously, do you know
where the closest bus stop is?

-They're probably
not even running today.

Come on.

I'm not gonna ask again.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You like Remington?

I love it.

I hope to have a home here
one day, you know?

And on that home, I want a mural
that is just so specific to me.

You know?

It really fits my
heart's desire.

The theme is woodland creatures.

I want it to have like a little
fox coming out of a window,

a tiny little, like, raccoon
in the corner

that I'll call Randy.

And then, a giant cat that
looks exactly like Garfield,

that kind of
takes over the whole --

Forget I said anything.

Did you smile?

-It was funny.
-Really?

-You in need of validation?

-Sadly, yeah.

I do.

It's not the best
sober behavior, but...

-Oh, you're sober?

That's odd because
I usually like sober people.

-Dr. Daw with the sweet dig.

It's kind of starting
to come back to me now.

Was I flirting with you?

-Not that I remember.
-Good, good.

'Cause I'm engaged.

-You told me.

-Stop.
[Tires squeal]

-Oh. What?

-Sorry. Um...

God.
I'm just kidding. I'm okay.

Me and my girlfriend's place,

just like right over here
to the left.

Can we just do a quick,
quick, quick little detour?

-[Scoffs]
-Thanks so much.

Okay. Just a little detour
for your tummy.

Oh. Oh. I know you're hungry.

Have you ever had sweet potatoes
with candied pecans?

-Yes, I have.
-Have you ever had

my sweet potatoes
with candied pecans?

-Look, that's very sweet,
but, no, thank you.

I'm hosting a dinner
in literally an hour.

-Okay, well.
Oh, oh. Oh, wait.

There's melted marshmallows.

I mentioned the candied pecans,
right?

Just take a little bite. Here.
-Get away from me with that.

What's wrong with you?
-Everything.

Here, take a bite real quick.

Please? Please? Okay.
You like the choo-choo train?

A chugga, chugga, chugga,
chugga, chugga, chugga,

chugga, chugga, chugga.

We are now boarding
your tummy.

-Your neighbor is staring at us.

-Hey, Bert!

He's the best.
Here. Ready?

And oomph!

-God.

It's good.

-Okay, let's go.

I'll give you another bite
at the stoplight.

-Oh, now we can go.
-Come on.

Waiting on you.
It's gonna take forever.

Sorry.
That was my girlfriend --

fiancée.

I keep forgetting that.

It's just such a small window
of time.

It's like,
why do we even need it?

-People like it.
-Are you married?

-I was.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Did he kill himself?

-Why would you say that?
-It's a dumb joke.

I didn't mean anything.

It just --
It does happen though.

It sounds like it didn't happen
to you, which is wonderful.

-[Chuckles]

-You know, people say
that divorce is actually harder

than if they died.

-Yeah.
'Cause when you have a kid,

you never really get divorced.

And then it starts all over
again when you have a grandkid.

-Well, don't have kids.
[Chuckles]

-I love my kid.

-Dominique?

-Dominique?

-Just took a shot in the dark
for her name.

-No, her name is not Dominique.

-Okay. Raquel?

-Stop it.
-Okay.

["Jingle Bells" plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

There she is. My Coupe de Ville.

-A White Cadillac?
What are you, Milton Berle?

-Oh, yeah. It was my dad's.
Time to get her back.

Well, Dr. Daw,
I thank you for your excellence

and looking forward to see you
on Monday.

-No solid foods for an hour.

-Great. Thanks.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Knocking on window]

Hello?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn honks]

-What are you doing?

-Just to get you outta the way,
little guy.

There we go.

Oh, oh.
No, no, no. Shit.

-Oh, shit.

-Shoot. God.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cell phone chimes]

[Line ringing]

-Yeah. Hi. Get down.
-Wait. You're still here?

-Get down. Yeah.
-All right. Where is he?

-He's coming right at you.
-What? He is? Where?

-Move it. Move it.
Go. Go to the trucks.

Go. Go in between
the two trucks now. Now.

-Okay. Okay.
-He's walking right at you.

-What trucks? What trucks
are you talking about?

-They're right there.
The only trucks there.

-Oh, okay. Got it, got it,
got it, got it, got it.

-Back your ass
between the two trucks.

-I'm going. I'm going.
-And get down.

Down. Stay down. Stay down.
-Okay. Okay. Okay.

-Shh. Calm.
He's going to his truck.

-That's good.

-He's doing something
with a lever.

You know those things
that you bring a car in?

-Yeah, the cars. Yeah. Yeah.
That's how a tow truck works.

-The thing. You know,
the truck has the car on it.

-Okay. What -- What's the
information you need to tell me?

-Please stop talking.
-Okay.

-Oh, oh, I think he's leaving.

Could you please stay down?

-Where is he? Where is he?
-Duck down.

If you don't trust me,
this is not gonna work out.

-I trust you. I trust you.
I just wanted to see.

All right?
-Uh-oh.

-Uh-oh, what?

-Oh, boy.

He's locking the gate.

-Locking? Okay. Um, uh...

Drop your car off here
and tell him you got towed.

-Oh, I'm going to drive up
to him in my car

and tell him I got towed?

-Okay. Yeah.
No, that was stupid.

Sorry, I was just thinking
on my feet.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
He's leaving.

Hey, hey! Stop!
-Hey! Hey!

[Honking horn]

Did he stop? Did he stop?

Hey! Hey!

-He's gone.

Sorry, kid.

This spiky stuff,
it's around the whole perimeter.

-Yeah, it's galvanized
double barb.

Brittany is gonna be
really mad at me.

-No, no, no, no. Get down.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna call the guy
and tell him to come back,

and you are gonna get in
the trunk of your car,

and I am gonna come
and drive you out.

-Good idea.
I didn't think of that.

That was good.

-Voicemail. Hello.

My white Cadillac
got towed today

and I need to get it
as soon as possible,

so please call me back
at this number.

Okay.

-Mother of pearl.

That's the color
of the Cadillac.

Oh, my buddy Marvin
and I did a sketch once

where I had my nuts
in this --

Doesn't matter.

Not an important part.
Let me give him a call.

Oh, thank God you answered.
Hey, I need a favor, bud.

[Banging metallic objects
together rhythmically]

[Horn honks]

Oh.

Marvin. Hey, yo.

-[Chuckles]
-What's going on?

-You owe me now, big boy.
You better be there tonight.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, totally.

If you could do one
more quick favor,

can you pop that lock for me?

-You want me,

a Black man in
Cherry Hill right now,

to break into a tow yard?

-No, I don't want you
to do that.

-Hi.
-Ah. Who the hell is this?

I'm Didi.

-That's my dentist.
That's so adorable.

Your name is Didi? I love it.

-Look, you two,
this isn't really my scene,

so if you could grab the bolt
cutters out the back,

I could be on my way.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Absolutely, yeah.
Thanks again, bud.

-I know you secretly
want to do the show,

so see you tonight, Santa.
-Yeah. All right.

Now, Didi, if you don't feel
comfortable popping the lock,

I certainly could --
[Chain snaps]

Wow.
-Okay.

-Yeah, no. You can just
leave 'em. I can --

-I'm gonna go.

-Way to go.
That was awesome.

Wow.

[Cell phone chimes]

Can't you just make me a plate?

[Sighs]

-Oh, my God.

You scared the shit out of me.

-Sorry, that was
not my intention.

I've got a pocket full of cash
and I'm hungry as a bull.

I'm taking you to dinner and
I'm not taking no for an answer.

-No, no. Thank you.

-Come on. You got me out of
two jams today.

Let's get a bite.
-I have plans.

-All righty. Um...

Okay. I...

Real quick, before you go,
I have a little confession.

I overheard you talking to
your daughter in the office,

and I know you don't have plans.
Um...

I was looking for the bathroom,
and I had a tinkle

and I couldn't find it --

the bathroom --
and I just...

wanna take you to dinner.

-Why do you wanna have
dinner with me?

Aren't you already late
for a party?

-'Cause we're having fun.

-We are?
-Aren't we?

Besides, they're already
out of food,

and we got five or six more
felonies we need to commit.

So we're gonna need
that tummy full, okay?

So you in?

-It's Christmas Eve

and there's nowhere
we can eat that'll take us.

-Follow me. I got an in.

-No!

-Yes!

Bada ba bum ba ba, charge!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

My lady.

-I can get out of the car
myself, you jackass.

-All righty.
Didi with the rough language.

-Wow. Hampden is happening.
-Yep. It's a hip little spot.

-I think the last time
I was here was Y2K.

-Oh, you're kidding me.
I was 10 then. Or was I 9?

Can't remember.
I know I was young though.

-Fantastic.
-Yeah.

-Hey. [Whistling]

It's that way.

Yeah, this is it.
Hang tight out here.

I'm gonna go work my magic.

Used to barback here.

[Indistinct conversations]

Well, they said

an hour and a half
to three hours.

Probably closer to three hours.
Nobody in there remembered me.

-Told you.

Well, kid, it's been fun.

I'll see you Monday.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait. Oh, hang on.

I used to work at
a couple places on this block.

Come on. Come on.

Let's go, Dr. Daw.
Come on.

Come on.

Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much, Alvin.

We are
about 5 to 10 minutes away.

Awesome.

We now are on the wait
list at Rocket To Venus.

It's right up here.

-So, you're
in the restaurant business?

-No, I...

used to do it
to support my sketch comedy

and improv habit.

-Wait, what?
-Sketch comedy.

Have you ever seen the TV show,
"Laugh It Up Live"?

-You were on "Laugh It Up Live"?

-I was not,
but I came really close.

-So that was your job?
-No.

You do not make any money
doing sketch or improv.

The only place to make
money doing it is on

"Laugh It Up Live" in New York.

And it's almost impossible
to get.

-Sounds like a rough business.

-It is.

And something messed up
happened,

and that's
why I don't do it anymore.

And now
I am a mortgage broker.

-[Laughs] Come on.

-Don't call a stranger,
call a loan arranger.

-[Laughs]

-I'm not -- I'm not --
I'm not kidding.

No, no, no. Seriously.
Yeah, I just took the test.

I think I aced it.

Pretty sure I passed.

Oh, God.
I don't know if I passed.

Anyway, how about you?
You always been a dentist?

-Yeah. I'm -- I'm sorry.
-No, it's okay. Yeah.

Why are you the only dentist
who picked up on Christmas Eve?

-I have been told
that I am a workaholic.

-Well, if you love what you do.

-Mm.

-Do you have
any other kids or grandkids?

-Just the ones at my ex's house
with my ex

and his much younger wife.

But thank you for reminding me.

-Sorry. Just kind of
keeps coming up organically.

-Uh-huh.

["Silent Night" plays
over speakers]

-All righty. This is it.

I'm just gonna see how many
more minutes we got on the wait.

All righty. We got us a spot
at the bar in 10 minutes.

I told you.

You okay?

You know the --
this is really odd,

but my entire family is
two blocks that way,

having some kind of reception
or something.

-Your family lives
on 34th Street?

-No, just past it.

Well, it's my -- it's
my ex-husband's house.

-Wow.

John's?
-What?

-"John's."
I just said a common name,

'cause you didn't tell
me his name yet.

-His name shall not
be mentioned.

He was a high school sweetheart

who turned out to be
a nightmare.

-Totally. Of course.

-I'm gonna go.
-Oh.

You're gonna -- You're
gonna go to the party.

-Yeah, they asked me to go.

I'm gonna go.

-No, that's great. Yeah.
Um, cool.

Uh, want me to walk you?

-Sure, if you want.

I'm just gonna run in here
and get a few things.

Oh, shit.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Wow.

You look really pretty.
-Oh, cut it out with that.

-Geez, I'm just saying you did
something, and I noticed it.

-I'm not Miss Maryland, okay?

Here, hold this.
-Okay. Yeah.

Lucky us,
we get to walk down 34th street.

-Oh, no way. I hate that shit.
We're going around.

-Okay.

-[Inhales raggedly, sighs]

-Wow.

-Here it is.
-Oh, this is it?

This is a choice.

-Well, wish me luck.

-Best of luck.
Knock 'em dead in there.

-So, I'll, uh, see you Monday.

-Yes, you will.
-Thank you.

-I got you.
-Thank you.

[Knock on door]

-Maybe they're around back.

-You think?

-I have no idea.

-You know, I actually have never
been inside this house before.

You know what?
[Laughs]

I know it was
like a fun idea for a minute,

but I think the moment
has passed,

and I think I'd
rather just call it a night.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, this -- this
is pretty scary.

-Yeah. [Chuckles]

-But you know, if -- if
you're just gonna do a pop-in,

I can walk you back.

-You mean walk me back or --
or go to the party with me?

-Whatever you want.

-I think I'd like you
to go to the party with me,

if that's okay.

-Hell, yeah.
-Yeah?

-Let's crash a party.
[Chuckles]

-All right. How's my makeup?

-Um, am I allowed to say?

-Uh-huh.
Is my eyeliner smearing?

-No, here, I -- I got you.
Hold on.

It's perfect.

You're gonna be great.

-You just watch me.
-All right.

[Christmas music
playing on stereo]

-Hello!

Merry Christmas.

-Mom?
-Where's my Maddie?

-Hi, Didi.
-Ha ha. Look what I brought you.

I got you some
Berger Cookies.

[Laughs]

Cliff, this is my daughter,
Shelby,

and my granddaughter, Maddie,
and, um,

everyone else.

-Hi, everybody. Cliff Cashen.

Really, really thrilled
to be here.

Thanks for having me.
Merry Christmas.

-Is that the ghost from
Christmas Past?

Gotcha.

-Where's the next
Ghost of Christmas Past?

Is Patty here,
or did you divorce her already?

-Wow. Oof.

-Mom, you just got here.
-Well, I guess

that makes me the Ghost
of Christmas Present.

Cliff Cashen, still really,
really thrilled

to be here, gang.
Thank you.

-Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm Shelby, Didi's daughter.

-Oh, my goodness.
I've heard so much about you.

Your mom's pretty awesome.

-I didn't think you'd
actually come.

-What's going on over here?
-I can't open it.

-You know how you get
into this little guy?

You need bear paws.
-What are you doing here?

-I wanted to spend
Christmas Eve with my two girls.

-[Growls]
-Rawr!

All right.
Let's see this.

-Who is he?

-He's a client.
-A patient?

-Yeah. He cracked his back right
30 and then his car was towed.

-Oh, yeah. Super clear now.
-Can I have this one?

-[Laughing] No.
-What? Why not?

-Because you're a bear.

-Patty, look who's here.

Wife. Ex-wife.

-Hi.
-Congratulations.

-Yeah, thanks.

-And Cliff Cashen.
Super thrilled to be here.

Where are you gonna
put the jelly?

Oh, over there?

-Oh, I don't think there's
enough snow.

-That's a great spot.
-I'd say so.

-Hey, what are you guys having
your own party up here?

-You wanna go put some cookies
up for Santa?

-Hi, I'm Patty.
It's nice to meet you.

-Hey, nice to meet you.
Cliff Cashen.

-Oh. Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. I love your veil.

-Oh, thank you. Cliff Cashen.

That sounds like
a porn star name.

-Hey, Maddie's right over there.

-Yeah.
-Oh, I know. Hang on.

-Anything for
enough cash, right?

[Both laugh]

-Hey, Dad. Sorry.

We actually have to head
out soon.

It's past her bedtime.
-It's Christmas Eve.

She can stay up as late
as she wants.

-Well, Santa's coming and
we kind of need Santa to come,

so we gotta get home soon.
-Okay.

-Hmm.
-I just think it's a --

it's a little rude that you
brought your own

people to the party and
then came up here and made

your own separate little party
away from everybody else.

-Ah, here we go.
-Okay.

Well, you --
you did tell me to invite Mom.

-Cliff, this is Conway.

-Conway? Wow.

Never would've guessed that one.
All right.

That's a pretty name.
Is it named after the street

or that annoying little
country singer, Conway Twitty?

-[Chuckles] Neither one.

-Oh.
-Thanks for coming tonight.

-Thank you for having me.

You kind of look like him
a little bit. Handsome guy.

-So what's going on with,
uh, you two?

-Well, sir, uh, Dr. Daw --

-It's none of you
goddamn business.

-Mom.
-Nice mouth.

-Okay.
-Merry Christmas.

So glad you could make it.
-Okay, guys.

I think we're actually gonna
head out.

-Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It was my fault.

-Well, can you stop?
-It was my fault.

I'm sorry.

-Well, I love that shirt.

You guys wouldn't happen
to be Ravens fans, are you?

-Are you kidding me?
No, not at all.

[Both laugh]

Oh, no. We are big-time
Bird Ball fans here.

-Yeah.
-Are you guys going

to the Steelers game
on New Year's Day?

-[Laughing] No. No.

Those tickets are impossible
to get a hold of, no.

-Yeah. Only bankers,
doctors, and lawyers

are going to that one.
-Oh, yeah. And dentists.

-Who? Her?

She doesn't even like football.

-Ah, well, I do now.

-Yeah. Yeah.
She didn't tell you?

Oh, my God.

Dr. Daw is
Lamar Jackson's dentist.

You remember
the game against the Browns

where he chipped
his canine in like week eight?

-No way.
-Way.

I like that guy.
He's very nice.

-Oh, yeah. The nicest.
Really great kid.

Probably the best
quarterback we ever had.

-I miss Flacco.
-Yeah, I figured you would.

He was the last
White one, right?

-So?

-Anyway, are you guys,
like, looking for tickets?

-What the hell, are you --
-Hmm?

-Are you kidding with me
right now?

-Do you guys mind sitting
in a box?

-Get out of here.
-What? What do I have to do?

What do I have --
I will do anything.

-Nice.
-Yeah, yeah. I figured.

Well, I just --
I don't usually tell

people this,
but I work for the Ravens.

-[Coughs]

-Oh, my God.
-I'm given a couple tickets

to each game for special
occasions like this.

-We're gonna be in a box?
-Mm-hmm.

-Babe, we're gonna be in a box!
I've never sat in a box before.

-How much?
-Gratis.

Uh, anyway,
yeah, just call it a little

newlywed gift for you two.
-[Squealing]

-Okay, hey.

Well, that's a good egg
you brought over here.

What can we get you, Cliff?
-Whiskey?

-Anything.
-Crab cake?

-Natty Boh?
-You hear that, Didi?

They got crab cakes.
-Oh.

-Of course we got crab cakes.
I'm a crabber.

I caught 'em myself.

-I'm looking for soft shells.

-Well, they're out of season.

Good luck keeping
that one happy.

-Oh, who? Deirdre?
She is like a juggernaut of fun.

We've been having
the most amazing day together,

haven't we?
-Yes, we have.

-Yeah. All right.
Here's the deal.

I'm gonna write my number down
and, uh, you call my office,

and on Monday, we'll have
those tickets for you.

Oh, my God.

-And I'll see you
at The Bank on New Year's Day.

-Oh, my God. Hon, you are --
I mean, you are -- You --

-I'm pretty great.
-Yes, you are. Oh, my God.

-We're going to The Bank!
-Okay. Okay. Okay.

-I'm going to The Bank!
I can't believe it!

-I'll be right back
with some refreshments.

-Babe.
-Okay, that's my cue.

I gotta get out of here.
Hey, Maddie, come say bye.

-We're going, too.
-Oh, we're leaving?

-Yeah, we're out of here.

-Yeah. This party's getting
kind of lame.

-Good job.

Yeah.

Snug as a bug. Let's go.

Good night.
I love you both so much.

-Really beautiful family.
Let's hustle up.

-Hustle up? What do you --
-Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. Let's go.
Let's go. No biggie. Let's rock.

-What's going on?
-Nothing. Let's have some fun.

-Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, all right.

Here we go.

[Chuckling]

Fucking guy.

-So, you work for the Ravens?

I literally don't know
what to believe.

-I do not work for the Ravens,
all right?

I'm trying to become
a mortgage broker.

I was gonna tell you though,
that I

put this little Christmas
miracle together in a week,

but I figured I'd take
it easy on you.

-[Sighs] You are a real
Eddie Haskell, aren't you?

-Who's he?

-The kid from
"Leave It to Beaver."

He was full of shit.
-That's not me at all.

-It's exactly you.
-It is not me.

-And I still don't know
what you do.

-I'm trying to be
a mortgage broker.

All right?
-[Laughs]

-I know what
a gift of equity is.

I know that "refi" is
an abbreviation of refinance.

These are a couple questions
I got right on the test.

-Oh, look at these crabs.
They're so cute.

You see 'em?
-Those are cute.

-Whatever you did back there,
that was great.

-Thank you.

-That was basically improv,
right?

-Yeah. You know,
I guess the suggestion was, um,

be Didi's hot young date.

And I just kind of
"yes, and'd" that.

-Yes, and?

-You can't move forward
unless you "yes, and."

You gotta be open to everything.

-So you do that on stage
in front of everybody.

-I did.

-Yeah.
That sounds like a nightmare.

Oh, see, now we call you
a "no butter."

-I love a good no.

And I love a big butt.

-You mean like this big
old booty?

Boom day, boom day,
boom, boom, boom.

-[Laughs]
-See, now we made it a joke.

-[Gasps]

We should go to an improv show.

-You wanna go to an improv show?

-Or sketch show, comedy,

whatever it is that you do,
did do.

Uh, I, um...

It's -- It's --
It's late, right?

We should probably,
like, wrap this up.

-Oh, you don't wanna go home.

Come on. Come on.

We're just getting started,
right?

[Laughing]

-We're just getting started.

-Mm-hmm.
-Give me one second.

Hey, how you doing?

Uh, real quick, um --
-What is going on?

-I know you didn't want
me to go to Marvin's show,

but it's like actually on the
way back to your mom's house.

Is it in the world
of possibilities to go do that?

Hello?

-So you did want to do a show.

-Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just
gonna kind of pop in

and just kind of say hi, uh,
'cause I haven't seen

those guys in
a long time, you know?

Um, and I think it
would probably mean like a lot

to Marvin and to me.

-Um...
-I don't know what to say.

We already opened presents.

You've already missed
the whole day.

You're picking your friends
over me on Christmas.

-No, I'm not doing that.

I'm just thinking that maybe
if it's, uh, possible --

-Well, just do whatever
you want.

I gotta go.

-Hello?
[Beep beep beep]

Yes. Incredible.

Okay. Um, yeah, we'll
just go there and then, um,

I'll see you in a little bit.
Bye.

-Everything okay?

-Yeah, let's go see
that improv show.

-Yay!
-Yay.

-Oh, and we have to get
some soft shell crabs.

-Okay. They're not gonna have
soft shells at the improv show.

Probably just jelly beans
and vodka, so...

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

Hey, how's it going?
-Good.

-Good, good.
Good that you're good.

-Are we going?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. We're gonna go in.

I-I-I just haven't -- I haven't
been around this crowd

or seen this scene since I,
um, I -- I got sober.

-Okay.

-So the thing
that happened to me was, uh,

I was in this troop
called Improv Baltimore,

which is like the main
improv crew here.

And I got fired.

This guy Kayden said
that I bullied him.

-What happened?

-Uh, one night after a show,

I was really banged up,
and we're not really friends.

And we got into this argument,
and I just said,

"You're not fucking funny."

-Is he?
-Nope.

But it is kind of
the meanest thing

you could say to somebody
in comedy.

-They fired you for that?

-Yeah, he said
he didn't feel safe

around me, and I guess

Improv Baltimore
didn't want to get in trouble.

And...

they let me go.

-Well, we don't have to go.

Let's just go get
some soft shells.

-No, I want to go. I -- I do.

And I didn't realize I wanted to
until you said you wanted to.

I'm just a little scared.

-So, let's go.

What's the worst
that could happen?

-A lot. A lot of bad
things could happen.

Buckle up.

-[Laughs]

I thought we were going
to a comedy club.

-It is a comedy pop-up show.

-In a gas station?
-Auto body shop.

Marvin's uncle owns it.
-No way.

Thought you were
fucking dead, man.

Hey-yo, Prince.

We got Clifford,
the Big Red Dog out here, bro.

-How we doing?
Good to see you.

-♪ When you're
rappin' in the zone ♪

♪ Pay when I wake up
before I hit the phone ♪

♪ Bills pilin' up
in that rat hole ♪

-Hello.
-Hey.

-How you doing?
-I'm a little nervous.

How are you?
-Great.

-This is Didi. Tonya, Didi.

-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.
-What do you want to drink?

-Is it weird if I get
a drink, drink?

-Be weird
if you didn't get a drink.

-Okay.
-All righty.

-All right.
Gin and tonic, please.

-You got it.

-Is that Kayden in there?

-Kayden? Kayden?
-♪ The game we all love is ♪

-Fuck.

I did not see him come in.
Fuck that guy.

And fuck "Laugh It Up Live"
for listening.

-Nah, no.
It's all good.

Um, let me just get a soda.

[Cheers and applause]

-Whoo!

-Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,

and Festivus
for the rest of us.

Welcome to the show
with no name at Mel's Auto Shop.

But who needs labels anyway,
right?

A lot of people, it turns out.

Our first performer
tonight is a real treat.

We haven't seen him around
these parts for quite some time.

You may remember him
from his hometown sketch,

the Baltimorons.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have him here tonight.

Everybody, let's give a big hand
for my guy, Cliff Cashen.

[Scattered applause]
-Oh, maybe not?

-No, no. Guys, I'm --
I'm all good.

Thank you so much.
I'm super sober

and just here to,
uh, laugh as a civilian.

-Get up there, Cashen.
-No, no, I'm good, seriously.

I'm all good.
-You don't wanna do it?

-No, I really don't wanna do it.

-We don't want him --
-You don't wanna go up?

-Balti-morons.
-No, I really don't.

-Next please.
-Balti-morons.

-But they want you to get up.

[Crowd chanting "Baltimorons"]
-I really can't do it. Okay?

-Look, if I can go to Conway's,
you can do this.

Rip the Band-Aid off.
Come on. You got it.

You got it.
-Baltimorons! Baltimorons!

[Cheering]

-Here's the Baltimoron,
Cliff Cashen.

-Whoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo!
-All righty. Hey.

Hi. Um, okay.

Yeah, it has,
um, been a minute, right?

I guess you can call
this a little bit

of a Christmas miracle, huh?

All righty. Um...

My partner in crime for
the Baltimorons sketch, Sally,

is not here tonight, so, uh,

I guess she didn't need
her tires rotated

along Christmas Eve.

'Cause we're in auto shop, guys.

-We get it. Do Baltimorons.
-Yeah.

Yeah, no. Um, to do
the Baltimorons Sketch,

you're gonna need
an actual volunteer.

-Uh, no thanks.
-How about Kayden?

[Crowd "Ohhs"]
-Fuck off.

-Oh, thank you so much for that.

Good to see you.
Merry Christmas.

And just trying
to maintain 50 feet, so...

-I'll do it.
-Oh, we got one.

-Sit down.

-We had one.
We had one and lost him. Okay.

Um, hey,
how about you, Paul?

Wanna come up for
old time's sake?

-[Mouthing words]

-Okay.

Uh, Tracy? Gina?

-I don't think so.

-This is pathetic.

-Oh, Jesus. Okay.

Well, you know what?
This has been a ton of fun.

A real blast for everybody
who was involved.

Um...
I guess you can call this sketch

Flop Sweat, brought to you
by my armpit and back hair.

[Scattered laughs]

There's a couple laughs.
Thanks, guys.

Appreciate it.
-Okay, wait, I'll do it.

-No, no, no, no. We don't need
to continue whatever this was.

Okay? It's all good.
No, we'll take a seat.

No.
-Just get up on the stage.

Okay. Um...

-Uh, still no.

-It looks like we got
a real moron here.

[Applause]

All right. What is your name?

-Didi.
-Nice. Very pretty name.

-Have you, Miss Didi,

ever seen or done improv
before in your life, ever?

-Nope.
-Wonderful. Great.

That's what we're
really hoping for.

Someone who has no idea
what they're doing.

You're about
to experience something

that not many people
get to go through,

which is called a bomb.

It's an experience you
really can't get anywhere else.

All righty.
For a suggestion,

I'm just gonna ask Miss Didi
what she does for a living.

-I am a dentist.
-Great.

This is a new take
on the Baltimoron sketch,

where one Baltimoron
goes to the dentist.

Let's give us some love.

[Cheers and applause]

-[Whispering] What do we do now?
-A "yes, and."

-What's a "yes, and"
what to what?

-Everything. Okay.
You got me into this.

You're gonna get me out.

[Knocking]

Hello?
Is this the dentist's office?

-Oh, yeah.

-Is there a reason
why the door's locked?

Is it 'cause it's Christmas Eve
or because we're in Dundalk?

-I --
-Okay. Just a heads-up.

We are in
a dentist's office here.

Cool? For everyone involved.
Okay?

-Okay.
-Awesome. Let's start up again.

Here we go. And...
-Okay.

-[Knocks]

-Come in.
-Oh, thank you so much.

You know, I thought
you were just gonna have

me hang out here
with a molar in my hand all day.

-No. Come in.
Come in to my dentist's office.

This is my dentist's office.

-Okay. Is that
how you talk to clients?

-No. I have a receptionist

and she does all this chitchat
with them.

-We don't have a receptionist
here today, do we?

It's just me and you
on stage, okay?

-Okay.
-And we're back in.

Wow.
Is a nice place you have here.

-Oh, yeah. Thanks.
I designed it myself.

-I don't really love
all the Civil War paraphernalia,

particularly from the South.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not mine.

-Yes, it is. Yes, and it is.
Yes, and it is.

Remember?
-Okay. It's mine?

-I don't know!
-Okay. It's...

Yes, yes.
It's my uncle's.

-Oh.

-'Cause he was
a hardcore racist.

-[Whistles]
-So...

-Okay. Yeah. Well, I would
think about getting rid of it.

-Well, you know what
I'm gonna do?

I am going to sell it
and -- and donate that

to the homeless.
What do you think about that?

-Wow. That's really,
really nice of you.

It is. If you called 'em
by their proper term,

it's unhoused.
That's strike two.

-Oh, Jesus.
-No, the name is Jerry.

All right?

But, um, do you use needles
in this dentist office?

'Cause I get a little fainty
when needles are around.

-Oh, yeah. I use needles.
I love 'em.

I love to stick
'em in real deep.

-Okay. Okay. You know what?
I think I got the wrong dentist.

Thank you.
But I'm okay. Good-bye.

-Okay. Bye.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the part in the scene

where you have to stop me
from leaving.

We're in this together, babe.

Let's do it.
Okay, let's keep going.

All right, here we go.
And take two.

That strike three. I'm leaving.

Gotta say something, okay, Didi.

-All right.

[Laughter]

Okay.
-All right.

It's just me and you up here.
You don't wanna be up here

by yourself, right?
-No, I don't.

-Okay, let's take it
one more time, okay?

-Okay.
-And action. Take three.

Grab me! Okay.

-You scared me.
-I didn't mean to.

-Okay. Wait. Wait. Don't go.

Wh-What is a big guy like you
scared of a little needle for?

-Wow. Okay. You know what?

You just body shamed me.

Yep. You just called me
legally obese.

-I did not.
-Well, that's what I heard.

You know,
I could have your job for that.

[Crowd murmuring]

Wow. You know what,
I'm -- I'm really sad now.

I'm -- I'm gonna go.
-No, no, no. Wait a minute.

Nothing to be afraid of.

-It's just that I've
been hurt so many times before.

-Aw. You're a real soft shell,
aren't you?

-Yeah.
-Have a seat.

-I've never been so scared

and turned on
in my whole entire life.

This molar just seems to get
harder and harder in my hand.

Is that normal,
dentally speaking?

[Laughter]

Yes, and.

-I feel the same way,
and, yes.

-You switched it.
It's okay though.

-Okay.

You're a real
Baltimore man, aren't ya?

Unfortunately, that's my type.
-Whoo!

-Me, too, girl.

-So I think, um,
we need a needle.

-Just make it up
with your imagination.

Grab it from anywhere.
Okay?

[Crowd "Whoos"]

Good choice.
-Ptt. Ptt.

-Okay. Sound effect's
a little tacky, but whatever.

-Now, don't worry.

It's gonna really hurt
in the beginning,

but after a while,
it's gonna feel really,

really, really good.

-Geez, um...

you know, I'm starting to think
I don't really need the needle.

I think I just need you.

[Downtempo music plays]

-[Laughs]

-Is that romantic
Muzak I hear?

-♪ I want you to ♪
-Do you do this

for all your patients,
or just the ones

look like out of work
electricians?

[Laughter]

-You know, it's funny.
I don't hear a thing.

It must be in your head
because I am so pretty.

[Laughs]

-Yes, you are.
-♪ I want you to remember ♪

♪ All these times together ♪

-So what do we do now?

-In my, uh, dramaturgy class

that I took
at Elkton Community College,

the professor said that every
scene is a seduction scene.

-♪ And of all the kisses ♪

-So, are you trying to seduce
me, Dr. Didi?

♪♪

-♪ I want you to ♪

-Maybe.

-♪ Remember how ♪

♪ I want you to ♪

[Crowd "Oohing"]

[Cheering]

-End scene.

[Cheers and applause]

-Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing

the new and improved
Baltimorons!

Give it up for Didi
and my guy, Cliff Cashen.

-Baltimoron! Baltimoron!
Baltimoron! Balti--

-Hey. Hey, wait up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-I gotta go.
-Can you just wait one minute?

Can you give me a minute,
please?

-Why? Why?

-Look, I -- You were
really funny in there,

and about the kiss,
I didn't like --

-Oh, God, please,
please, it's fine.

It's fine.
-No, it's not fine. Okay?

When you were going in for
that kiss, I -- I panicked

'cause I smelled alcohol
on your breath.

I haven't
drank in six months.

I haven't smelled alcohol
in six months.

I-I-I --
I tried to kill myself.

After I got fired,
I attempted to hang myself.

And the only reason
why I'm still here is because

the belt broke and I was holding
a little bit of holiday weight.

-Wait, are you...

Are you joking?

Because I don't know
what's funny here.

-No, I'm -- I'm really not.
I...

The only reason why I'm still
here is 'cause the belt broke.

But it's kind of funny.
I mean, you -- you can laugh.

-What holiday was
six months ago?

-I had like 40 corn dogs
on the 4th of July.

But that was after
the -- the attempt.

30 minutes ago,
I never thought I could do

what I did up there
with you, sober.

And being up on stage
with you just now was like...

So what do you say?
You wanna keep this thing going?

-What about your fiancée?

-"Hope it was worth it.

I'm going to bed."

She put her phone
on do not disturb.

-So this is what it's like.

-What?

-Being the other woman.

-What do you say, Didi?
You got any ideas?

♪♪

♪♪

-So you've just been holding on
to a key to Conway's boat

for all these years?

-Yep. Just in case.
-Wow. You're a damn pirate.

-Well, I paid for
the damn thing.

-Freaking gangster, Didi.

-I have been fantasizing
about doing this for 15 years.

-Is that when you cut
the Conway cord?

-Conway dumped me.

-He dumped you?
-Yeah. It was weird.

All around the same time,
I went through menopause,

Conway dumped me
for a much younger woman,

and I became a grandmother.
Boom, boom, boom.

-Wow. That's a whole lot
of cabbage for one stew.

-Mm-hmm. I don't even know
who the fuck I am anymore.

Here we go. Grab that hook.

-What are you talking about?

What hook?
-The only hook on the boat.

-This thing?
-Yeah.

Haven't you ever
done this before?

Do I look like someone
who's done this before?

-Yeah. You look like someone
who's done this before.

-Wow. Okay.

There we go again with the
judgment based on appearance.

First, it was, "You're too big
to be afraid of a needle,"

which actually is not a thing,

and now it's like
the polar bear doesn't like

to play with his water honey.

-You're the one that is
calling yourself a polar bear.

-Because that's how you
see me, Didi.

-I do not!
-I'm just kidding. All right?

But if it was Kayden,
he'd have your ass.

-Oh, I could take him.

Now hook the jug
and bring it on in.

-What are you saying?

Seriously, I don't know
what a jug is.

-It's a buoy.

-Just say buoy.
I know what a buoy is.

-Hook the buoy

and bring it on in!

There you go. All right.
And put it on the call table.

-Copy. What is a call table?
-Right there.

There you go. Huh.

-I don't see any.
-Nothing. Put it back.

-Oh, it's cold.
-Let's go next time.

-Okay, that's out.

-All right, here we go.
-Buoy.

-Stay up there. We're gonna
go find the next one.

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh.
-It's like déjà vu. Nothing.

-Jug.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Ah, I've been doing
this for years.

Can you tell?
-Looks like it.

-Aw, shoot.

-We got one.

We got one!
-Yeah, we did!

-We got one.
-Yes, we did!

[Both laugh]

Yes!
Whoo!

Wow. Definitely medium,
possibly a large or a small.

But we got one, so that's good.

♪♪

♪♪

-Getting kind of cold.

-Yeah, yeah, it's really cold.

-Yeah.

You wanna put your arm
around me?

♪♪

-Yeah. Sure.

♪♪

-[Laughs]

-What?
What am I doing?

-Your face.
-What's wrong with my face?

-[Laughs]
-What am I doing?

What?

-I like your face.

-Thank you.
-Good face.

-Thank you.
You got a good one, too.

-[Gasps]
Thanks.

Uh-oh.

Nice to meet you.
Good night.

-[Grunts]

-That was your dentist?

-Yeah, that was my dentist.

Hey, look, I --
I know this isn't a good look,

but I swear to you,
nothing happened.

-Oh, that's good.

That's a good
that nothing happened.

Because what I thought happened

was that you were drowning
yourself out there.

Because that's
where your locations was,

out in the middle of the water,
and I thought you were dead.

-My God, Brittany, I am --

That is so messed up.
I'm sorry.

That was not, like --
that's not cool.

-No, it's not.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
-Are you drunk?

-No. I swear to God.
I -- I have not had a sip.

-Let me smell your breath.

-Okay.

-Then have you lost your
fucking mind?!

-I know, I know.
-You --

-I know. I'm sorry.
-You ditched me on --

on Christmas Eve,
with my family.

You lie to me.
You run around town

with some MILF dentist.
You wanna go to a comedy show.

Now you end up here
on a fucking crab boat

in the middle of the night?
-I know, I know!

And it's crazy, and it's not --
doesn't look good. I --

-No.
-I-I know all that, all right?

But I just...

I did it. Okay?
-Did what?

-I got up on stage tonight,
and I performed.

And I did it,
like, completely sober.

I didn't have anything to drink,
and it went really well.

And I -- that's
why I just feel like --

I know it's scary, but, like,
I really think I'm, like --

can do both at the same time.

Like, I think --
-That's really great.

I'm really glad
that you did a show.

I mean, congratulations.

Now, is this the show that you
told me you weren't gonna do?

-No, ye-- yeah,
yes, it is that show,

but, like,
I wasn't really gonna perform.

I swear to God I wasn't.
But Marvin just brought

me up on stage and --
-I -- I don't fucking care! No!

-I wasn't planning on doing it!
-I don't fucking care

about Marvin!
-But I care!

Okay?
This is a big deal to me.

-Do you wanna know what
I care about?

-Yes, yes, I do.
-Do you care about that?

-Yes, I do. Yes.

-What I care about
is chilling the fuck out

with my family
on Christmas Eve and Christmas

because this is the first time
I've had these days off

since I started at the hospital.

And I want to start a family --
with you.

-I know.
-Because you told me

that that's what you wanted.
-I know. I know I said that.

And now we're here,
at the same old bullshit,

and, honestly, it kind of feels
like you're relapsing.

I mean, you don't seem sober.
You don't look sober.

And none of this is okay,
so what makes you --

-I'm not relapsing.
I'm not relapsing.

This is not a relapse, okay?
It's not.

I didn't have anything
to drink today at all.

I just had an amazing day.
That's it.

And I literally just
didn't want it to end.

-[Scoffs]
Well...

All right, fuck.

I don't know what's going on
with you.

I don't even think you know
what's going on with you,

But you need to figure it
the fuck out.

I'm gonna go sleep at my mom's.

-Brittany, I'm...

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, Dr. Daw.

It's your favorite
dental patient.

Um...I'm really sorry about
how all that ended back there,

but, uh, I wanted to give
you a proper goodbye.

So if you're up
the next couple hours,

I'm just gonna be hanging out
at Marvin's.

So gimme a call
when you get this.

Bye.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

[Tires screech]
Shit.

Hey! Hey, sir.
Sir, she didn't do anything!

-Whoa, whoa!
Stand back!

-Okay.
-I need you to stand back.

-I'm getting a DUI, Cliff.

-I need you to get around
the vehicle.

-Sir, I will
drive her home, okay?

You do not have
to take her to jail.

-Step around the vehicle.

I'm not gonna
ask you again, sir.

-Okay, okay, okay.
-4FB4, 4FB4, come in.

I'm gonna get you out of there,
okay?

[Police radio chatter]

It's gonna be okay.

-It didn't feel like
I had that much to drink.

-How much you have?
-Two at Conways.

One at the show...

-Yeah, you were probably
blowing double.

Your liver's
like the size of my thumb.

Thank you for getting her
out so quick, Uncle Frank.

-Hey, anything you need.
Any time.

Hey is your mom in town
for Christmas?

-Nope. She's down in Florida
with George.

They moved down there
for the tax rebates

and haven't been back
since before COVID.

-All right, nude sack.
-Thanks for saying that.

-Tired. Going to bed in the
greatest country in the world.

-How can I forget?
-Merry Christmas.

-Nude sack?

-Yeah, I didn't have any hair
on my balls for a while.

Just kind of stuck.

-Hey, w--
where's my car?

-Oh, yeah.
Uh...

They're gonna keep that
for a while.

-Oh, no.

-But, luckily,
you're self-employed, so...

Don't sweat it.

I can take you home.

♪♪

♪♪

That your first time
in the slammer?

♪♪

They have you all in negligee,
pillow fighting,

or is that just what I imagine?

♪♪

You didn't get shanked, did you?

-[Laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Both laugh]

Oh, well, um...

Thank you for an amazing day.

Although we did, you know,
wreck your

unblemished criminal record.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You know what's really funny?

I don't feel tired anymore.

-Yeah?
-Do you wanna come in

for coffee or -- or tea?

-Uh...
[Chuckles]

No, no, no.
I'm sorry.

You need to --
you need to go home.

-Actually, um...

I'm not sure
I live there anymore.

-Hang on a second.

Me lady.

-[Chuckles]

I can get outta the car
on my own, you jackass.

[Both laugh]

Unh!
-[Gasps]

Seatbelt.
[Chuckles]

Sorry.

[Grunts]
-[Laughing]

-[Groaning]

[Both laugh]

I think I scraped my knee
on the bit.

-It was worth it.
-Yeah.

Wow.

You must have good credit.

-You like?

-I love.

-Dark or medium roast?

-Of what?

-Can't you just answer
a question?

-Apparently not.

Uh...
I don't see a hook.

Where should I hang my jacket?

-Ah.
You remembered.

-Just trying to be better.

-Just throw it anywhere.
-All right.

Can I play your record player?

-Sure.

♪♪

That was the song I wanted
to dance to at my wedding.

♪♪

-♪ There's a saying old ♪

-It's a great choice.
-♪ Says that love is blind ♪

-Conway said no.

-What did he want?

-[Laughs]
I can't.

-No, no, no. Come on.
What did he want?

-"Orioles Magic."

♪♪

-Wow.

-♪ Haven't found him yet ♪

-He got you.
-He sure did.

-♪ He's the big affair
I cannot forget ♪

♪ Only man
I ever think of with regret ♪

-You wanna dance?

♪♪

-You wanna dance with me?

♪♪

-Sure do.

-♪ There's a somebody
I'm longin' to see ♪

-Okay.
[Chuckles]

-♪ I hope that he
turns out to be ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

-Not bad.

-My dad taught me.

♪♪

-♪ I'm a little lamb
who's lost in the wood ♪

♪ I know I could ♪

♪ Always be good ♪

♪ To one who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

♪♪

♪ Although he may not
be the man ♪

♪ Some girls think of
as handsome ♪

-Oh, God.

-♪ To my heart,
he carries the key ♪

♪♪

♪ Won't you tell him, please ♪

♪ To put on some speed? ♪

♪ Follow my lead ♪

♪ Oh, how I need ♪

♪ Someone to watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

♪♪

-Hello?

[Laughs]
[Door squeaks]

Hi.
-Hi. Good morning.

I was just on your back porch.

-You were on the back porch.

-Yeah, I like watching
the sunrise.

Pink and blues
kind of do it for me.

Think we can make some
pancakes?

Do you have flour, milk?
-Hold up. Hold up.

-What's going on?
[Chuckles]

-Cliff, you gotta go.

-Where?

-You don't owe me anything.

-I didn't think I did.

-Yesterday was amazing.
Right?

-Yeah, it was really great.

-But I think we both know that

you have to go home
to your fiancée,

and you have to figure that out.

For your own sake.

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

-Besides, I have Shelby
and Maddie

and someone I work with
coming over, so I gotta...

-Yeah.

See you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door opens]
-Cliff?

[Door closes]
Cliff, where are you?

-Hey, I'm up here.

I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm sorry.

-Jesus Christ!

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-Fuck!

Fucking shit.

-I'm sorry. I'm not --
I'm okay.

Are you okay?

Sorry. I just came up here
to do some thinking.

That's all.
-What -- what -- what --

what -- what are you thinking
that you had to come up here?

-Um...
I was, um...

I-I was thinking about
this one Christmas,

my dad, uh...

he was getting presents
outta the Cadillac, and, uh...

I guess he got, like,
distracted or something,

and he shut the trunk,

but the Cadillac trunk
has the electronic close,

so it just went down
nice and slow,

and it locked his fingers in.

And he was --
[Chuckles]

He was screaming
at the top of his lungs,

like, trying to get
my mom and I's attention,

going like, "Cliff!
Cliff, Linda!

Linda!"
-Okay, okay.

-[Chuckling] And, uh...
We just couldn't hear him.

And then, um...
[Chuckles]

He just started to yell our,
like, house phone number,

our landline.

He was going, "337-8199!

337-8199! Call my wife!
For Pete's sake!"

-Why -- Why would he scream
the phone number

and not just call for help?

-I don't know.

He couldn't do it.

-That's insane.
You know that, right?

-Yeah. Well...

He was.

-But you're not.
Okay?

And you don't
have to kill yourself

because your father
killed himself.

You understand that, right?
-Yeah. Yeah, I do.

-Do you really?
-Yeah, yeah. I know.

-'Cause I don't know if you do.

-I know, I know.

-So do you?
Wanna kill yourself?

-No.

-And, um...

How about drinking?
You wanna drink?

-No. I don't.

-Good.

That's good.
-Yeah.

-Look, um...

I'm gonna take you off
my Tracker app.

'Cause I can't worry about where
you are or where you're going

or what's happening.
I -- I can't.

-Yeah, I know.
That -- that makes sense.

-Okay.

-I want you to know,
I really, really tried

to do the, um...

to do the normal-life thing,
and I...

I couldn't -- I...

I-I can't do it.
It doesn't fit.

-Yeah.

Kind of like a double XL
trying to fit into a medium.

[Both laugh]

-It was never, like,
my intention for...

to hurt you,
so I'm really sorry.

-I know.

-Do you wanna hug?

-Do you wanna hug?

[Both sniffle]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Morning, everybody.
-Morning.

-Merry Christmas.
Good morning.

I am Cliff.

-Hi, Cliff.
-Hi, Cliff.

-And I'm definitely
still an alcoholic.

And that has been made
very clear to me

in the last 24 hours.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Knock on door]

♪♪

Hi.
-Can I help you?

-Um...is Didi here?

-Who is it, hon?
-Oh, don't worry about it.

Can you take the scrapple
off the stove?

I think it's gonna burn.

You must have the wrong address.

-Sorry.
-It's okay.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

[Door closes]
-Where did she live?

What the heck.

[Garbage thuds, bottles rattle]

-Is that you?

What are you doing?

-Oh.
Um...

I'm really good friends
with the McCallahans,

and it's Christmas,
and we go Christmas caroling,

but nobody's ready.

So just kind of waiting.
-They give you a present?

-Oh, it's for somebody else.

-Is it?
-Mm-hmm.

-Who's it for?
-This doctor.

Well, a dentist that I was
fooling around with last night.

-Shh! My --
my family's right in there.

Come here.
Come on.

I don't wanna keep yelling.

Listen, take your time.

It's not as if I'm hosting
a brunch or anything.

-Hey.

Um...

You want it?

-[Gasps]

-It's our buddy from last night.

-It's lovely.

And it smells fantastic.

-Yeah, it's been sitting out
on a boat for about eight hours,

so we call that a slow boil.

-I, uh...

I don't have anything for you.

-That's okay.

I'll just take
whatever you got Maddie.

-Where are we going
with this, kid?

-I have no idea.

I just really like you.

-I don't wanna be messed with.

-I'm not gonna.

-You're not gonna.

So...

what are your plans for today?

-Well, option one is,
I drive down to Florida,

which I really don't want to do.

And, uh...that's all I got.

-Well, you could join us.

Just about to open presents.
-Really?

-I got a honey-baked ham.
-[Chuckles]

That's gonna be a problem.

I can't stand ham.

-Really?
-Yeah, it's disgusting.

But, yeah, let's go on in.
Do you want me to carry this?

-Are you kidding me?
-It's unclean.

-What kind of person
doesn't like ham?

Lot of people.

Hey!
-Look who's here!

-Merry Christmas.
Hey, Maddie! Hey, Shelby!

How are ya? And, um...
Dental Hygienist, Rebecca?

-What?
How do you know her name?

-Wait, I got one?
I've never gotten one!

Hi. How are you?
Cliff Cashen. Good to meet ya.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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