Original subtitles

It's a powder keg in there.

No one moves till we get word from the mayor.

Hey, hey, hey, little girl.

Stop.

What do you want, little one?

Your ass.

Well done.

Who... Who are you?

Frank Drebin.

Police squad.

The new version.

My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad, a

division of the LAPD.

The day after the bank robbery started like any other, I woke up in my empty

apartment, stared at a picture of my deceased cop wife, and choked back cop

tears. A perfect morning? Sure.

But I had no idea what this city had in store for me.

Thanks, everyone.

What is this?

Don't cheer for him. You two, my office now.

Thanks to you, I just spent two hours getting chewed out by the mayor.

Apparently, some of the bank robbers you put in the ICU, they're lawyering up to

sue the city. That's ridiculous.

They're criminals.

It's the law.

Since when do cops have to follow the law?

Since forever.

Oh, yeah? And who's going to arrest me? Other cops?

Yes. Is she serious? Is he serious?

No. Look, let me be crystal clear. They are threatening to shut down police

squad because of you.

Honestly, you're lucky you still work here after last year's McDonald's

incident. They wouldn't sell me freedom fries.

You arrested the entire staff.

I wasn't thinking clearly.

I was furious about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl.

That was 20 years ago.

Not to me.

We understand, Chief.

You're right. Good.

Because I'm taking you off the bank job.

What? I'm putting you on collision.

There's a crash up in Malibu.

Yes, ma 'am. Thank you. And make sure your body cams are actually turned on.

Got it.

Camera will be on.

Drebin, it's a new day at police squad.

Things are changing so fast around here.

I guess you really can't fight City Hall, huh? No. It's a building.

Now, there's a real man.

They just don't make him like your pops anymore.

I'm glad he's not around to see what police squads has come to.

Mind if I take a minute, Ed?

Of course.

Hi, Daddy.

It's me, Frank Jr.

I want to be just like you, but...

At the same time, it would be completely different than original.

So, if you're proud of me, give me a sign. Like, maybe make me see an owl

or something.

Hey, Dad.

It's me, Ed.

Boy, do I miss you.

Hey, Pop.

Ed and I pulled up to the Malibu car crash around 2 p .m.

Nothing unusual, but in this city, usual is unusual.

Usually.

So how was your date last night, Frank?

I couldn't go through with it. You canceled?

No. I didn't want to upset her, so I had Officer Barnes tell her I was stabbed

to death.

You're a real romantic, Frank, but everyone needs someone.

Even a widower like you. I'm just not ready to open myself to love again.

Had them wait to clear the wreck so you could get eyes on it.

Crash happened around 4 a .m. Well, there were no skid marks on the road.

He didn't hit the brakes before going over.

Drunk? A little. Just enough to wake me up.

Fancy car.

Yeah, it's one of those new Eden Tech electric ones.

Electric, huh?

I remember when the only things that were electric were eels, chairs.

And Catherine Zeta -Jones in Chicago.

Empty pill bottles.

Who was he?

Simon Davenport, 53 years old, no wife, no kids.

He's got a sister out in Hancock Park, but we don't really know anything about

her other than her name.

That's Davenport.

Divorced, 5 '6", 130 pounds.

Spitfire of a personality, self -proclaimed chocoholic. Likes outdoorsy

but is just as happy curling up with a good book.

All right, I've seen enough.

Mark it as suicide.

Go ahead.

Lieutenant. What's up, Bonds? Look, I know you're off the bank job, sir, but I

could really use your advice.

Go for it. Look, it's the strangest thing.

All the thieves had never met each other, and none of them knew who they

working for.

Brilliant. If they don't know anything, they can't squeal.

Whoever orchestrated this is very smart.

And get this. The robbers were told that they could keep the cash.

Who organizes a bank robbery and doesn't keep the cash?

They must have been after something else.

Why don't you bring in one of the perps, see if we can get them talking.

Got it.

Thank you.

How's it going, Frank?

You got a visitor.

I told her to wait outside, but she just walked in.

You want me to get rid of her?

No.

That's okay. I'll deal with it.

Oh.

Over here, Lieutenant.

I'd sworn off love after my wife died, but this woman was put together in all

the right ways.

Face, head, shoulders, knees and toes.

Knees and toes.

And a bottom that would make any toilet beg for the brown.

Sorry to keep you waiting, ma 'am.

How may I help you?

You're wrong about Simon Davenport.

He wouldn't commit suicide.

Simon Davenport?

The stiff from the Malibu crash.

That stiff with my brother.

Oh, I mean, he wasn't that stiff, really. Not yet.

More floppy and bloated.

No, I mean, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please, take a chair.

No, thank you.

I have plenty of chairs at home.

Now, Mrs... Davenport.

Miss Beth Davenport.

Mr... Drebin.

Miss... Detective.

Frank Trevin.

Detective, I think someone murdered Simon.

Really? What makes you think that?

Well, he called me last night. He said he was in some kind of trouble. So we

made plans to meet this morning. Does that sound like someone is planning to

kill themselves?

No, it certainly does not.

Why would someone do that to him?

Trust me, there's always a reason to kill someone.

Did he have an obnoxious laugh?

No.

Forgive me. I'm just not myself.

That's okay.

I'm not you either.

Tell me, what did your brother do for work?

Computers.

He was a programmer for Richard Cain.

The genius is going to save the world with his electric cars.

Well, he's the first person you should talk to. Then he can check Simon's

driving records and see if they match.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there.

Excuse me?

Let's just leave the police work to me, okay?

Oh, I see.

Same old story with guys like you. Guys like me?

Stubborn old men who think they know what's best.

I understand you're upset, but this is what I do.

If someone did off your brother, I'll find him.

Well, I appreciate that, Detective, but Simon was all I had.

So you'll forgive me if I don't just sit around and hope you do your job. That's

exactly what I expect you to do.

When I have something, I'll contact you.

I'm doing a series of book readings this week.

You can find me there.

Book readings?

Yes, I write true crime novels based on fictional stories that I make up.

Yes, well, you may write about it, but I live it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we're having a birthday party, and I'm the best singer

in the office.

One second, bud. I will take that chair.

I couldn't remember the last time someone had talked to me like that.

It was the kind of dressing down you usually have to pay for in the basement

a laundromat. She had the kind of hips you wanted to put a hula hoop on and

spin. The kind of... Fellas, do you mind?

I wasn't convinced Simon Davenport had been murdered.

But the case was starting to give me an itch. And when I start to scratch, I

don't stop till I break skin and the doctor makes me wear mittens.

Thanks.

Cochek? Champagne.

Richard Kane had made his first fortune in microprocessors, and then used it to

build a vast online retail marketplace and green technology empire.

Then, suddenly, the bear charges towards me. I ready my knife.

And he barrels right past me to a honey hive above the campsite.

It had been there all along, and I hadn't seen it.

Ah, you've arrived.

Lieutenant Trevin.

Me too, Richard. Richard Kane.

Please, walk with me.

So, what can you tell me about Mr. Davenport?

Simon was a brilliant engineer.

One of our best.

I had no idea he was so terribly depressed.

Suicide is a dreadful thing.

Possible suicide.

Do you suspect something foul?

No. A chicken probably couldn't do this. But I'm not ruling anything out.

I see.

Was this one of the projects Simon was working on?

No. What you see here is a red light therapy machine. Proven to increase

testosterone. Did you know that men's sperm count is at historic lows?

Across the board.

Fascinating.

I've never put my sperm across a board.

I have an old Bon Jovi T -shirt for that.

You know, I hope you don't think it's awkward my saying this, but I'm actually

big fan of yours.

Is that so? Yes. I read about your work at the bank robbery.

Guys like you are a dying breed.

Guys like me? Yes.

Men of action.

Don't ask permission to fix what they know is broken.

I'm surprised to hear you say that.

Coming from someone who's so into these gadgets.

Oh, you don't enjoy the marbles of the modern age?

No offense, but the world was better before.

I agree, but don't tell anyone.

A cigar?

Looks it to me.

Now, would you like one?

Smoking indoors?

Care to write me a ticket?

That matchbook, I've seen it before.

It's the Bengal.

It's a supper club I own for some of the city's elite.

It's the kind of place where men can be themselves, have a few drinks, and like

the Black Eyed Peas once said, get retarded in here.

You can still say that word?

In my club, you can.

Well, I love the Black Eyed Peas. Who doesn't? I know a few people. They're

fools. I know.

Well, I am. Apple -de -app -taboo.

Don't forget Fergie. I would never forget Fergie.

The Duchess.

Well, if you need anything, please don't hesitate to call.

Thank you. I'll be in touch.

It's that way. Of course.

Why don't we get Mr. Drebin a little gift for tomorrow?

The Eden Vox 1. Police squad's first ever fully automated self -driving

vehicle. A gift we just received from Richard King.

He must have made some kind of impression last night, Frank.

Yeah, it would seem so.

Coffee? Yes, thank you.

Don't be shy, fella. Come check it out.

Snug.

All electric, zero to 60 in 3 .1 seconds.

I guess that's good. Watch this.

Car, open doors.

Neat trick.

Now you try.

Car,

please, close doors.

Pretty fun, I guess.

Okay, how about this? Car, drive forward 30 feet.

Pretty smooth.

Impressive. Hey, guys!

Don't! I tell you, this place

is falling apart.

I got half a dozen witnesses that place you on the scene. We know you were at

the bank. I'm telling you, I wasn't there.

Thanks, Park.

This is quite the rap sheet you've got here.

Says you served 20 years for man's laughter.

Must have been quite the joke.

You mean manslaughter?

Well...

We know your boss didn't want cash.

So what was the point of the robbery? What did he want?

I wasn't there. You think you're so smart?

Well, I think my body cam might tell a different story.

Ed!

Technology really is something.

Police squad is all about transparency these days.

Dispatch, this is Drebin, 10 -7. Oh, yeah, chili dog.

Breakfast of champions.

And a little black coffee.

Okay, you can fast forward a bit.

License and registration, please.

This isn't mine.

Excuse me.

Oh, boy.

Listen, uh...

You seem like a decent fella. I'm going to let you off with the warning. Have a

great day. Bye.

It's much later in the day. Fast forward a while.

You'll see. This way.

Maybe it's a bathroom.

Oh, God.

Come on. Move, move, move.

Focus, Frank. Focus.

You got this. You got this.

Maybe a little more.

I'm going to ruin another suit.

You're disgusting, you stupid idiot.

Breastfed until you were 13, you freak.

Can't get it up without the stench of milk on your chin.

Don't you dare.

Don't do it.

Don't eat it.

Oh, God.

I had five more that day. Feel better, Frank? You better believe it.

Yes, that's you inside the bank.

Lean as day.

Okay, fine.

Whoever we was working for, they was crazy.

I mean, they just wanted us to get some safe deposit box.

Safe deposit box.

There.

Box 595.

Ed, check the list.

Yep.

You're not going to believe this one, Frank.

Simon Davenport.

So you're saying these two cases are one case.

Gentlemen, when you joined me to launch Eden Tech, it was with one goal, to save

the world.

Together, we've created technologies to rival the gods.

Has the world gotten any better?

No.

It's only gotten worse.

Now, when the founding fathers created this country, they sat in a room like

this, filled with men like us, and birthed an empire.

The USA.

Yes, that's right.

But as years went by, Other people want to get into that room. Fish people.

What? Fish people.

Gills on their necks. I don't... Like mermen and merwomen.

Mermaids, right. No, stop.

Not fish people.

Ungrateful people. People that did not earn their seat at the table.

People not built like the men in this room.

Crab hands.

They had crab hands instead of fingers. Stop!

I know what I mean.

So just let me do the talking. This is a crab hand. I've met him. Put the phone

away.

Now, it is time for us to admit that the path we are on is not working.

The system is broken.

And what does one do when a system is malfunctioning?

You unplug it.

And then you plug it in again.

I call it the primordial law of toughness device.

Let me show you what it's capable of.

Last year, we set up cameras at the local community center, decided to run a

little experiment.

The question, what would happen to modern humans if we reverted their

an original state of nature?

When activated, the device sends an audio frequency that reduces the brain

its animalistic core.

In this case, the frequency was limited. But next time...

It will spread through every smart device until the entire world is

As for us, upon detonation, we will decap to one of my super bunkers around

world, where there will be food and water and the best live entertainment

world has to offer.

What's up, evil billionaires? I am so excited to be doing live shows for as

as it takes in the Doomsday Giggle Bunker Room, located in Block 4 of the

Arizona District.

See you there!

Amish paradise.

And when the Embers have died down, any survivors left will have earned their

place alongside us. And we will return to a world that has been a blank slate

upon which we can rebuild as the founding fathers of a new Eden.

Gentlemen, lady, this New Year's Eve, I give you Project Inferno.

It turned out that Kane's nightclub was only half a mile from where Simon

Davenport crashed.

And that got me thinking. Maybe he had been there the night he died. So I

into my new electric cruiser and told it to head to Malibu.

Please take the wheel.

Warning. Please take the wheel.

Please take the wheel.

Please take the wheel. Get out of the road.

What's wrong with you people?

Commission detected.

What is this city coming to?

What can I get you?

I was wondering if you could help me.

I'm looking for a friend who may have been here before.

Nah. I haven't seen him.

You hardly looked at it. I saw enough.

You don't remember me, do you?

Should I?

My brother. You shot him.

In the name of justice.

That can literally be thousands of people. Shot him in the back as he ran

Hundreds. Unarmed. At least 50. He was white.

So you're Tony Roiland's brother?

That's right.

How is old Tony?

Very serious.

Bad.

Right.

So your friend. Maybe I have seen him. Maybe I haven't.

I can't remember.

You can't remember, huh?

Nah. Well, maybe this one's y 'all's good memory.

Good.

That's better.

Remember now? Yeah, I remember. He said in a corner booth he had a drink.

That's all I know.

Where do they keep surveillance footage?

In the back.

But even I'm not allowed in there.

Thank you.

And there she was again.

I had to admit, she was beautiful.

She had a body that carried her head around and a butt that seemed to say,

hello, I'm a talking butt.

Elegant? Yeah, I'd say so.

But like a teenager with three babysitting jobs, I didn't need another

babysitting job.

Hello, Lieutenant.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm doing the same thing you are.

I told you I wasn't going to sit around and wait.

Listen, this isn't one of your stories.

Average civilian women don't suddenly solve crimes.

Oh, you read my book.

What do you think?

I think it's a fantasy.

A woman puts on a wig and sunglasses and suddenly she's an assassin.

But did you enjoy it?

It had some good parts.

Ah, Lieutenant Drebin.

Does he know you're Simon's sister?

Good. Let's keep it that way.

What a wonderful surprise.

Fine, thank you.

Beautiful place you've got here.

Can't smell the dead animals at all.

Thank you.

Uh, can I get you a drink? Just water. It's sparkling.

And who is this stunning creature?

I don't believe we've met.

I'm, uh... This is Miss, um... Cherry... Roosevelt's

Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.

Oh, what an interesting name.

Yes.

Thank you.

So, Lieutenant, what brings you here? I was hoping you could let me take a look

at your security footage.

Oh, may I ask why?

Go right ahead.

Unfortunately, I can't show you security footage. Our members trust that we will

provide them with the highest level of privacy.

I hope you understand.

I'm starting to.

Well... Thank you so much for the drink. It's getting late. We really must be

going. So soon?

I hope you're not leaving too, Miss Spaghetti.

Yes,

she's leaving too.

Early morning at Disneyland tomorrow.

She's one of those Disney adults.

Obsessed, really.

Her bed is covered in dolls.

Oh, Miss Spaghetti, please stay for a drink.

You don't mind. Do you, Drennan? Be my guest?

Wonderful. I'll get a table.

You get the footage, I'll keep him occupied.

Again, absolutely not.

Thank you.

Wow, this place is amazing.

Thank you.

Miss Spaghetti, may I speak freely?

I prefer English.

You're much too sophisticated for the likes of Frank Drebin.

Oh, I'm not with Drebin.

Oh. Well, that's wonderful news.

Cheers.

From Bill Cosby's private estate.

That hurt.

Mom, mom, now's not a good time.

Mom, please, I'll call you back.

I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go now.

So, tell me, what have you been working on lately?

Oh, let's not talk about work.

Let's talk about play.

Do you like jazz? Spaghetti.

Like it.

I love it.

I love it.

Sir.

Not now.

Not now.

Yes, sir.

This one's for my electric new friend, Richard Cain.

Wow.

Sassafras chicken and D.

Make it extra lumpy, boys.

I've always said fighting is a lot like jazz music.

A scat -like improv where one lets imagination take control of their body.

I'm fine.

The two things I love, my stay -at -home girlfriend and gorilla nut enhanced

drink supplement for men. Don't follow fat... diets and fake workouts. You want

to get ripped? All you need is muscle slime. Rub it on and...

Oh,

look at that.

Who are you, my secret eavesdropping friend?

Douglas O 'Reilly, investigative journalist, LA Chronicle.

It seems Mr. Drebin might be more of a problem than we thought.

Why don't you keep an eye on him?

Make sure he doesn't cause any more distractions.

Yes, sir.

Davis, this better be good.

He did what?

Get me Drebin this instant.

Ma 'am, I'm so sorry, but you have to listen to me. There's something deeper

going on here.

You wake up my husband, I swear to God.

I'm sorry.

What the hell were you thinking, Trebbeth? Richard Cain is a very

and he makes a lot of hefty donations to the city, including the new car you're

driving. Richard Cain is dirty. He's involved with the Simon Davenport

and by the way, the bank job, too. You're still working the bank job?

That's it. You're suspended.

Suspended?

And if Maury Mulder doesn't accept his vertical integration pitch, Bill Cantor

will leapfrog him for the third year in a row.

But Ronald trained Bill. Exactly.

I've got no choice. I'm putting you on ice. Two weeks. Effective immediately.

Now get out.

We're all rooting for you, Ronald.

Give him hell tomorrow.

Rough night?

Oh,

it's you.

Now tell me, what'd you see on the security footage?

Listen, I feel for you. I really do. But I had to beat up a lot of henchmen

tonight. Men with daughters.

Oh, come on. You wouldn't have seen it if I didn't help you. Help me? That's

rich. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm tired. I'm hungry.

Good night, Miss Davenport.

What if we had a little dinner together?

I sure could go for a bite.

Slow down, chef.

This turkey burns at 450.

How hot was I cooking?

About a thousand.

Turkey needs slow and low.

Unless you like your center pink.

No, I love my centers pink.

You're not worried the rare meat will ruin a good stuffing?

As long as you don't mind if I get salmonella. Mind it. I prefer it.

I like a thick little boy.

You're not gonna stop hounding me, are you?

Not for a second.

Excuse the mess.

I haven't had the heart to clean since my wife dies.

My condolences.

How did she pass?

Great. Fifty yards easy.

Arm like a cannon.

And then she died.

So we'll never know if she could have gone pro.

She was the sweetest woman I've ever known.

She sounds like a saint.

Or maybe a bronco or a 49er.

We would have been happy with anything, really.

Anyone but the Browns.

It's quite a view you have.

You know, I've been drawn to the hills ever since I moved here for college.

You see L .A.? I see it every day.

I live here.

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer.

However... All that turkey talk outside?

Got me in a Thanksgiving mood.

I think I have a full turkey around here somewhere.

But my oven is filthy.

I don't mind.

I like a dirty bird.

Mm -hmm.

You weren't lying. The oven is disgusting. It sure was fun to talk

bird, but it would be unsanitary.

Well,

hot brine is the most important part. It sure is.

Uh -oh, this is my buster.

He must have smelled what's going on.

Silly dog, that's not for you.

You.

Okay.

Ah.

It's so strong.

Put that down.

How about some nice scratches instead?

Yes.

That's better.

Is this crazy?

It's been a long time.

I'm afraid I may have forgotten how to kiss.

Looking in your eyes, I see a paradise.

The world that I found is too good to be true.

Standing here beside you, want so much to give you the love in my heart

that I'm feeling for you.

After a relaxing weekend away with Beth, it was time to get back to the case.

So I called the LA Chronicle news desk to follow up on Douglas O 'Reilly, but

was informed that he hadn't made it into work. So I headed to his apartment.

Douglas O 'Reilly?

Lieutenant Frank Drebin here, police squad.

Anyone home?

Oh, no.

Hey, Douglas, I stepped in some kind of red liquid.

You got any paper towels?

I'm dragging it all over your place.

I picked up your knife for you.

Where do you want it?

Press record, say your name, and say, I did it.

Lieutenant Frank Drebin.

I did it.

Okay.

O 'Reilly, that you?

O 'Reilly.

And that's when it hit me. Like an idiot's finished jigsaw puzzle, I was

framed. I needed to clean the crime scene.

No body, no crime.

Hiding the body was no longer an option.

Freeze!

It's not what it looks like.

He's running!

Court.

Drive. Car,

stop it.

I said stop.

Hello, Drebin. Mind if I take the wheel?

King, what's going on? I've taken control of the car.

It's a little trick I have for when I want to fix mistakes.

So that's how Davenport died.

He didn't drive himself off a cliff. You did. Now you're getting somewhere,

detective. But not before he spilled your secrets to that reporter.

So you went and killed him, too.

I didn't kill him, Frank.

You did. You're the crazy cop who stabbed the reporter and then drove

into the ocean.

The hell I am.

There's no escape, Drebin.

I'm just a little sad that you won't be there to see what I have in store when

the New Year's Eve balls drop.

Oh, well, have a nice trip.

Hi Susan.

No! No! No!

Move! Out of the way! Move!

Looks

like

you could use some help. What?

Open the doors!

You got it.

Frank, are you okay? Where are you? Never mind that. I know how Simon

was killed. It was Richard Kane. He drove him off the cliff. Well, there's a

warrant out for your arrest.

They're claiming that you killed a reporter.

Say it isn't so. It ain't so, Ed.

Here's another thing, Frank. The mayor got wind of this whole mess, and they're

pulling our funding.

What? Police squad is shut down effective immediately.

This is all because of me. I'll fix this.

Do me a favor, Frank. Lay low. You got it. Thank you, Ed.

Excuse me. Do you have a phone I could use?

Thanks.

As soon as I could, I called Beth to break her the news.

It wasn't easy, but I hoped it would bring her some peace.

Thanks. What the hell, man?

Frank.

Thank you.

God, you're hurt.

It's nothing.

Don't be silly. Come in.

This is all I could find.

It might sting a bit.

Go for it.

It's okay. Keep going.

Okay.

Kane said he had something big in store tomorrow for New Year's Eve.

I'm willing to bet it's whatever Simon was trying to warn us about.

What do you mean, something big?

I don't know.

But people could be in danger.

I see.

Frank, I have a confession.

When my brother called me before he died, he told me some things that I

told you.

To what?

He told me he was working on some kind of therapeutic device.

Something to calm people down. But he was worried now that someone could use

to do the opposite.

Calm people up?

He didn't say. Just told me that if anything were to happen to him, I needed

do whatever it took to stop the device.

Those were his last words to me. So that's why you inserted yourself into my

investigation? Well, at first... And that's why you showed up at the Bengal

Club? Yes.

And that's why you pretended to love me?

No, Frank.

No, how could you say that?

I can't believe I opened myself up to love again.

I wrote that whole song about it. I rented studio space.

Don't go, please.

Frank, please.

Look at me.

What is that?

What?

That's my TiVo that I lent you yesterday so that you could watch season one of

Buffy so that you could start getting my references.

I know that, Frank. And I specifically told you not to plug it into the

Internet. Oh.

Oh?

That's an Ethernet cord going from my TiVo directly into your router, where

Internet comes from. I was just trying to plug it into the electricity. And now

they might be expired. That means gone.

No musical special.

No sander.

No spike.

No Cordelia Chase.

No Daniel Osborne.

No Willow Meets Her doppelganger episode.

Nothing. Sorry, I didn't know they were so... Frank,

we're in the middle of an important conversation.

Just stand there.

They're gone.

It's okay. It's the landline.

I'll get it.

Hello? It's Ed.

I've got something. Okay.

I'll be right there.

Ed had dug through the bank footage and identified a man who'd slipped out the

back, who also happened to be Kane's head of security and right -hand man.

If anyone knew Kane's plan, it would be him.

We needed to get him along and put the squeeze on.

But we had to do it on our own way, off the books. We're on our way now.

You're not my normal driver.

This isn't my normal car.

That's not my normal gas.

This isn't the normal way I pass.

He's waking up. What day is it?

January 2nd.

You've been here for three days.

Three days.

Can you turn that up, please?

That won't be necessary, nurse.

Hello, Mr.

Gustafsson. You surprised to see me.

Your little plan, it didn't work out.

We stopped it. The good guys won.

Kane's in jail.

And here's the bad news for you.

He's singing. He told us you killed Simon Davenport and that reporter.

There's talk you might get the chair for this.

You're lying.

Am I? Mm -hmm. Then tell me what really happened.

Yeah, right.

Tough guy, huh?

You know what happens to big, pretty boys like you and San Quentin?

Ooh, they're gonna love you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah. I've seen it a hundred times.

Massive cutie pie like you.

You'll be very popular.

First day in, probably have your mugshot go viral online.

The sexy jailbird.

Congrats, you're famous.

Okay. Then one day, your new fan army finds a legal loophole, and suddenly,

you're free. You're back on the streets.

That's not bad. Only now, you've got an image to uphold.

The sexy jailbird.

Say goodbye to carbs. Hello, intermittent fasting.

You like ramen? Well, it's all broth for you, baby.

Not to mention, there's a new sexy jailbird now.

And he's all about body positivity.

He's eating burgers on the prison Instagram when you're starving to death.

your brand is skinny. You can't change course now.

So you decide to end it.

Bang! Bullet in the head.

I wouldn't do that.

But you miss.

You only get the part of the brain that regulates farts.

Now you're a new meme farting guy.

Is that what you want?

To be farting guy? No. Come on. Tell me farting guy. You love it. No. Tell me.

Stop it. You love it. It was all Kate's plan. It wasn't my plan.

What was?

The blast of frequency.

You know, it would infect people's brains and turn them into savages.

And where was it going to do that? At the WWFC fight.

Downtown. Midnight. Where was it going to put their device?

In the New Year's balls.

The balls.

Hey, where you going?

I want a lawyer, okay?

I'm sorry that we framed you. I'm sorry.

Did you get all that?

Every word.

I don't have much time.

It's only 90 minutes to New Year's. What is happening?

How is getting a confession like this legal?

Sometimes to get the job done, you have to break the law.

I do it all the time.

Did we get all that? We got it.

Internal affairs.

You're under arrest for the illegal detainment of Sig Gustafsson.

No. Ah, so you set me up.

Impressive. Oh, just one thing.

How were you able to build these sets so quickly?

I just told some city contractors that I'd pull their licenses if they didn't

help us.

Did you get all that?

Loud and clear.

Hector Gutierrez, Department of Occupational Safety and Health Officer

you are under arrest.

Five minutes down, there's the horn signifying the end of round one. This

is no hopping, John.

All right, very exciting stuff, but we are now thrilled to be joined in the

broadcast booth by one of the most vicious bare -knuckle brawlers from the

season of WWFC, Dan the Bloody Widowmaker Daly. Welcome, Dan.

It's weird. I left my wife at home, and she was wearing makeup. Said she didn't

have any plans.

What do you think that's about?

I don't know. Me neither.

And of course, none of this will be possible without tonight's sponsor, Eden

Tech's Richard Cain.

The boys in the lab loaned me these special earplugs. They block digital

frequency. So if that bomb does go off, we're protected.

Nice work.

Now, where's Cain? Cain is in the skybox.

What about backup?

There is no backup.

What? We're wanted for murder.

But Gustafson confessed.

We coerced him. Haven't you ever heard of the Miranda rights?

I'm pretty sure it's Carrie that writes.

Miranda is a lawyer.

Charlotte's an art dealer.

And Samantha's a whore.

What? What is it? I've been trying to call Bette for hours. She's not picking

up. I just hope she's okay.

Yes?

Oh, please.

Can I help you?

Remember me?

Well, hello, Miss Cherry Roosevelt Fat Bozo Charming Spaghetti.

I love your new look.

Thank you.

Please, join me.

I'm on my way to the balls. Okay, Frank.

Com's working.

I'm in position.

We have 25 minutes.

Hey, one beer, please.

We're closed.

Come on. One beer's not going to kill you.

One beer.

Get lost.

How much?

It's free. Get the hell out of here.

Ed, do you hear me? I can hear you, Frank.

Uh -oh. I think one of Kane's goons is up there.

Frank, can you hear me?

Somebody's up there, Frank. A guy is up there, Frank.

Never mind.

Gentlemen, we've been over the rules in the back. I expect you to fight clean,

fight hard, fight fair. The tension in this arena is palpable. The moment of

truth is here, folks.

Straight to voicemail. I bet she's with Gary.

Let me use your phone. She won't know your number.

Are you ready?

Let's get it on.

Yeah, let's go.

Read any good books lately, Miss Spaghetti?

Or should I say, Miss Davenport?

I especially like the part where the erudite housewife transforms herself

would -be assassin seeking revenge.

Hiding a gun in her garter belt.

And another in the small of her back.

And a shotgun.

And her beautiful brunette wig.

Tie her up.

Okay, Ed.

I'm at the balls.

I'm gonna look for the device.

Nice work, Frank.

Hey, you got free beer?

No, there's not free... Oh, boy.

It's gotta be in here somewhere.

Come in. Go on, take it and go.

Uh, Frank, can you hear me?

I think I hear that.

Alright,

it looks as though we're having some technical difficulties with the New

Eve ball. I can't quite reach.

Uh...

What the hell is going on?

All right. I believe the TV networks have blurred what's happening here. So

those of you back home, I will try to paint a picture. The legs themselves are

pale and white, sprinkled with cinnamon soft hair. Now turning our gaze to the

middle. Where we find something quite magnificent.

The main event, if you will. A grand bratwurst fit for the imperial court of

Kaiser himself.

Or maybe a...

I got it in. Okay, I'm going to get out.

Trevin.

All right, get security down there now.

Nothing to see here, folks.

Police business. Please, carry on. All right, buddy.

Time to go.

Now listen to me, good.

My name is Frank Trevin from Police Squad.

This event is now over. Everyone vacate the premises immediately.

Now. Okay, playtime's over. Give me the mic. Don't take another step, buddy.

That's it.

Both of those down.

You like watching a real man kick ass?

Frank, get the hell out of there. You've got company.

All right. Goodbye, everyone.

Have a good night.

You. You. Come with me. Tell everybody to put in their frequency plugs.

Her, too.

We don't want her going crazy in here, do we? What do you see, Frank?

The device has some lights on it.

Various holes.

Ways above.

Two and a half chili dogs.

It's got some sort of timer on it. Synced up to midnight.

Hello, detective.

Easy now.

What's up?

Stop right there.

Don't do it. Make one more move and I'll blow its freaking computer brains all

over this floor. Think about it, Drebin.

Everything I'm doing is for guys like us. Guys like us? Yes.

Powerful, righteous men.

Actually, give it down.

Come on, Frank.

You said it yourself.

The world was better before.

What have you done?

Yeah. What do you want me to do with her?

Leave her here.

She'll be dead by morning.

You fellas know how to ride, right? Let's do it. Yeah.

Stay back.

I don't want to hurt you.

To the bunker, gentlemen!

and boys they all claim they know me come and see me come and see me I'm the

who they eat either I they eat and can't no other lady put it down like me

Daddy?

Help me, Daddy. What do we do?

Come on!

We're now waiting!

Woo -hoo!

Just like old times.

Come on!

Let me get this guy first.

Got him.

Okay, this guy on the right.

Come on, Daddy.

Enough playing around.

Oh, thanks.

That's him.

A little lower.

Okay, here.

You've got a clear shot.

Take it.

That was so much. You still got it, Daddy.

Thank you, Daddy.

You see what you've done, Kane?

It's not too late to stop this madness.

This isn't madness, Trevin.

This is progress.

Progress? The needs of the few should never outweigh the needs of the many. It

was a time when you knew that.

So it's come to this.

The culmination of our journey.

All this, this stuff that's taken place between you and me.

This, uh... Thanks, Dave. I got it. I'm so sorry. I messed up the lines a little

bit. No problem. You did great. See you Sunday? See you Sunday.

Okay, Kane.

Please, no!

Anyway, look at us. Isn't this beautiful?

Exactly as nature intended.

Two great Kodiak bears facing one another in an epic battle for dominance.

If it's a fight you want, very well.

You hit the soft part of my belly.

What the hell?

Have you ever actually been in a fight before?

Yeah, I have.

Oh, my God. I think I'm going to barf.

Is that normal?

Do you want to keep fighting?

What? No.

My tummy still hurts a lot.

Well, in that case, I'm going to arrest you. You can't arrest me.

You still didn't catch me. There's nowhere to run. I won't be running.

I'll be flying!

Richard Caine.

You're under arrest.

He won't be hurting anyone anymore.

It's over.

Not for me, it isn't.

No.

Please.

Think about this, Beth.

Killing him won't fix anything.

Why should I let him live?

It won't bring Simon back.

You don't know that for sure.

You're right.

Anything is possible.

But you have to let the justice system do its job.

That's rich coming from you.

The truth is, Beth, once you kill a man for revenge, there's no going back.

It stays with you forever, following you like a shadow.

A voice in your head saying over and over, man, that was awesome.

So put the gun down, if not for me, then for us, for our future together.

I love you, Beth.

Don't throw it all away for a few seconds of...

The best feeling you would ever have in your life.

Do it.

I love you.

Now I'll wake up.

You got the promotion.

Bring it in.

Not bad for a general fool.

I guess old men really are the toughest, smartest, most capable, sexiest beings

on the planet.

So, Frank, you've made me a very happy woman.

Me too.

As a result of Lieutenant Frank Drebin's heroic work on New Year's Eve, I am

happy to announce that police squad is back with a renewed commitment to

accountability and justice.

And in that spirit, we will not ignore Lieutenant Drebin's questionable actions

on the days leading up to the event. And right now, Frank Drebin is being

subject to a rigorous and thorough internal investigation.

Thank you

Here's

to us

What is happening?

This is strange.

Come on.

Taylor?

Are you all right?

What's happening, Frank?

I'm scared.

Okay, honey. We'll get to the bottom of this.

Wake up, you piece of shit!

Keep it together.

Wait a second.

What is this?

Do you hear that music?

Yeah.

Who the heck are you people?

Have you been watching us this whole time?

You see me in shorts?

Step back on me, please.

This goes out to a very special lady.

Beth, you are the love of my

life. I want to make you my wife.

Sweet Beth, you opened

my heart up to loving again.

You did that?

You know, I've never really been in a professional recording studio before.

What did it do?

Oh, that's nice. That's got a good sound to it, huh?

No, no, no, I don't need to touch it. It's fine.

Beth.

Oh, top shelf curves.

And the brains to boot.

And boots.

That would top my brain's top ten list.

A boot boots and the curvy brains that bought them.

Also breath.

My sweet Beth.

When I first saw you in my office.

I kept thinking about your body.

Cause I didn't yet know your mind.

I don't mind.

My sweet Beth.

It is just fun to play those things.

Do you mind if I pick up this guitar?

I always wished I knew how to... Hey!

Oh, here we go.

You know, it's surprisingly easy.

Ow! Kind of hurt your fingertips.

No one tells you about that part.

My sweet Beth.

Thank you, Beth, for opening up my heart.

To love again.

I just had to get one more.

Everyone put your hands together for the world's last living entertainer, Weird

Al Yankovic!

How's everybody doing tonight?

Hello?

Anybody here?

Cain?

Evil billionaires?

Crab hands guy?