Original subtitles

[birds quacking]

- Oh, mind your head. - Okay, thanks.

Bye. - Bye.

[Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack"]

- We probably won't see each other again, right?

- It's unlikely. - Great.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, I tried to tell you so ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ But I guess you didn't know ♪

♪ As the saddest story goes ♪

♪ Baby, now I got the flow ♪

♪ 'Cause I knew it from the start ♪

♪ Baby, when you broke my heart ♪

♪ That I had to come again ♪

♪ And show you that I'd win ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ All those times I said that I loved you ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ Even though you knew I'd die for you ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ Yes, I cried, yes I cried ♪

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

♪ There it is, return of the Mack ♪

♪ Come on, return of the Mack ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ ♪

- You had sex. - Yeah, boy!

Whoo!

Yes. Come on!

[punchy music]

♪ ♪

[Paul Williams' "Braces"]

- Do you have the hairbrush? - Uh, I have my hairbrush.

- Oh, come on. I'm gonna be late for work.

- Weren't you supposed to start, like, an hour ago?

- Oh, my God. Did the clocks change?

- Yeah, last month. - Oh, pathetic.

Oh, there it is.

[phone chimes]

- ♪ Don't be shy ♪

- [chuckles]

Well, well, well, when it rains, it pours.

- What?

- ♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

- Dan? No, you cannot see him.

- I can't help it if these boys are obsessed with me.

- He's hot, but it's a bit naff.

- Yeah.

- What's he saying then? - Nothing.

- Oi!

- He just asked if I was around for a drink this afternoon.

- You freak. What'd you say?

- I said I might be, yeah.

Hey, oh, don't. - [grunts]

- Ugh.

- "LOL, yeah." - Mm-hmm.

- "Keen, keen, keen. Where and when?

I'm free all day."

- It's a casual, afternoon drink,

and if we have sex--if... - Oh, my God.

- We have sex... - Oh, my God.

- It means nothing. - Actually come on.

- Afternoon sex is basically an errand.

♪ ♪

- Fine, do what you want, but use protection.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm not childproofing this flat.

- Okay.

- Do you really think it's a good idea?

- It's fine. I don't like him.

He's just my friend.

- So you're not gonna sleep with him then?

- Oh, no, I definitely will, yeah.

- Right.

- Honestly, I can stay to the end of the shift

if you can't cover. - No, it's fine.

It's fine. I can handle this lot.

[chuckles] Go do your thang, girl.

- Ugh, I've messed it up.

I shouldn't have drawn his teeth.

- I don't like him.

- Oh, Humphrey Bogart? - Yeah.

- Oh, right.

You know he's in the film you're about to watch?

- He wishes.

- Okay.

- Don't you think it's just hard to be friends

with people you've had sex with? - Well, we've had sex.

We're friends. - Well, yes.

But that's--that-- that's different.

That's, like, a different vibe, you know?

Plus it was only one time, barely even remember it.

If anything, I try to block it out.

- Oh, my God, I've written "Cabaslanca."

- No, no, please, please, please don't do that.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - We can't.

We can't. We can't break it.

- We can't. - No, no, no!

- It's exact money. - It's so tiring.

- It takes us so long to-- - It's such a tiring thing.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi. - Oh, my God.

Oh, hi.

- What are you doing, pretending to read again?

- Yes, that's good.

Oh, so good to see you. Hi, you look great.

- Thank you.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, it's fine. No, no, no, it's fine.

Yeah, no, haven't been here for long,

so it's fine, good.

- So how are you? What's going on?

- I'm great. No, yeah, I'm great.

Just came from work. - Oh, how's the cinema biz?

- Great, it's booming. - Yeah?

You running the place yet? - Yes, finally, no.

Actually, they let me use the photocopier now

because I make this, like, monthly newsletter.

- Very cool.

- Yes, it's actually mainly just to tell them

not to download porn on our Wi-Fi.

- Really? God.

- No, it's all right. That was--that was a joke.

- Oh. [chuckles]

I mean, that's not a bad idea. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] No, yeah.

How's your work? How's the café?

Still in the café with the dusty cakes in the window?

- [chuckles] Yeah, yeah, still there.

But it's all chill.

I've just been sort of, yeah, mainly focusing

on my music really. - Sorry, what music?

- My music. You know about my music.

- Yeah, sorry, no, sorry, when you said--yeah, your music.

- Yeah. - Yes, I love it.

- Yeah, I know, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- What kind of music is it?

- Ooh, at the minute, I've been trying

to move away from dub, but, like, it's impossible.

- Right. - You know what I mean?

- Yeah, I know you.

- All right, where is it?

Oh, bugger, oh, dear, hang on. There we are.

Aww, oh, look at that.

- It's nice. - Nice?

Oh, piss off.

That's fucking romantic, that is.

Side-by-side burial plot. She's gonna lose her mind.

- I thought you said she wanted a new watch.

- Yeah, but that was a trap, see if I take the easy route.

Anyway, stop distracting me.

I'm trying to find you something.

- You're the one who started showing me burial plots.

- Ooh, yeah, here we are.

Now, the script is a piece of shit,

but the money is outrageous.

- What's the part?

- Todd Emery, an unlucky in love optometrist,

who falls in love with a blind girl.

Rachel McAdams already attached.

- Okay, this might be a crazy idea,

but how about we try and find something for me

that's actually good. - What?

Like a little indie film? - Don't know, maybe.

- Why? You putting on weight?

- Ugh, forget it. - Are you unwell?

Let me see. - Nothing's wrong with me.

- What's going on with you? Why are you doing this to me?

- And so kind of long story short,

it wasn't their cat, so I had to give the money back,

but they asked me to stay for dinner.

[laughs] - [chuckles]

- That's my Saturday.

What?

- I missed you.

- Ooh, okay, Dan.

- Jessie. - Oh.

Before this happens, I just want to say

I love being friends, and I would love to continue

that friendship. - Yeah, great, me too.

- Yeah, so obviously we can go back to my house,

but I just want to warn you there is a weird smell

in my room at the moment, but I feel like

if you know the context of the smell,

then it kind of feels weird... - Jessie.

- At least weird when you smell it.

- Jessie, wait, I--ugh. This is awkward.

Uh, you know I'm in a relationship, right?

- No, you aren't. - Yeah, I am big time.

- Ooh, so--who? Who's--who?

- Claire.

- Claire. Claire.

Oh, wow, Claire from the café. Oh, Claire.

Oh, Claire with the...fringe. She's got a fringe.

- How'd you know she's got a fringe?

- Oh, you know, anyone who follows her

on Instagram knows that.

She's--it's been a big transition for her.

Really big year, so that's-- no, no, no, I--

that's so cool 'cause you and Claire

both have fringes. - Why are you being like this?

Like, you literally just said that you just wanna be friends.

- I don't--no, no, no, sorry, no, and I stand by that.

I totally stand by-- I wanna be your friend,

but I just feel like you sort of getting into

a proper relationship is sort of a step too far

and quite rude and ultimately uncalled for, so...

- Well, look, I mean,

we're pretty much open anyway, so...

- Oh, oh, okay,

cool, cool, dude, nice. [laughs]

This is not 1967 honestly. - Why are you lashing out at me?

- I am not lashing out.

The way I'm reacting to this is entirely consistent

with my personality. - Jessie, come on.

- Oh, sorry, my ride is two minutes away.

Um, give my love to fringe.

- It's Claire. - Yeah, whatever.

You do you.

- [sighs] Do you know what I mean?

It's like...

- I'm telling you I think it's cancer.

I don't have long.

- Cathy, you don't have eye cancer.

- How do you know? You're not a doctor.

I've got all the symptoms. Look.

- That's not a-- you're just twitching your eye.

That's not a symptom.

- Thank you. - No worries.

- It was delicious by the way.

- Wow, I'm really glad.

- Thank you. - No worries.

Have a good night. - Thanks, you too.

- No. - What?

- You can't fuck civilians.

- She-- [sighs]

I should fire you.

- Oh, you're not gonna fire me. I "Star is Born"-ed you.

- You can't call people civilians.

- To you, that's what they are.

These girls know lots more about you

than you know about them. It's not normal.

- God.

- All I'm saying is there is a reason

actors date other actors. It's just easier.

- Wow, you're a true romantic, Cath.

- Well, it's easier for everyone.

I mean, half the time, these poor people

don't know what they're getting into with your lot.

I mean, look at Reese Witherspoon's husband.

- What about him? - He died.

- No, he didn't. - He didn't?

Well, who am I thinking of?

- Always a pleasure, Cath.

- I don't mean to scare you, and I'm not being dramatic,

but I will say this.

Dating someone like you will most likely

ruin a girl's life forever. - Wow, okay.

- Or worse, yours, or by extension mine, so...

- Yep.

- Just a few things to think about.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay?

- Okay. - I love you.

- I love you too. - I'm gonna skedaddle.

Oh, and listen.

If you think about eating bread,

call me, and I'll talk you down.

No bread.

Say it.

- No bread. - Got it.

- Fucking hell.

- So you're on a corner? You're on a corner.

- Fuck off.

No, I don't want to cancel because then

that's how they get your money.

They do the cancellation fees, and--no, not you.

I mean, like, the fat cats higher up.

You sound lovely. You sound great.

So I don't just--if you come around the block,

and I'll meet you on the corner.

I'm on the corner if that is any help.

It's just--yeah, okay, I'll see you then.

Great, I mean, super excited to meet you, man.

I mean, this is gonna be great.

All right, good-bye.

[grumbles quietly]

- Jessie.

- [laughs] Wow, hi.

- I just--I saw you through the window.

- Cool, yeah, nice.

- It's been a while.

- Yeah, just waiting for a car,

so...that's why I'm here.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah, are you following me?

- No.

- 'Cause obviously I'm not following you...

'cause, you know... - Jess!

you were the one that came to say hi from the window.

Oh, God, hi.

- Ah, you forgot your book.

- Great, thank you. - That's all right.

- Dan, this is Tom Tom, this is Dan.

- Hey. - Fuck off.

It's--you're that dude from-- from what's it called.

Mate, I'm such a big fan. - Are you?

- Yeah.

Hey, look, I know it's a bit awkward,

but I'll get a photo with you.

My brother's--like, he'd freak if he knew I was with you.

- No, that's cool. - You sure?

Jessie.

- Oh, oh, great, great. Okay.

Didn't know this one had a camera.

- [chuckles] This is mad.

How do you two know each other then?

- Okay, great, well, there we go

because my car's here actually, so good to see you, Tom.

Good to see you, Dan. It's me, so...oh, my God.

Literally insane. - Jessie--

- Sorry, can I get a photo? - What?

- Yeah, of course. - Loved you in "The Avengers."

- I wasn't in that. - Yes, you were.

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, so I got, like, half a pint left in the pub,

so I'm gonna bounce, all right?

Oh, actually, hey, do you want a little drink?

- No, you're good, mate. - You sure?

All right. Hey, this was nice, right?

- No, it wasn't. - Yeah, true.

[chuckles] All right, man, see you later.

- Can you take a photo? - Oh.

- No. - No, no, no.

- I can take yours too. - No, it's all right.

- Oh, my God, okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey--say hi to your girlfriend for me.

- What? - You--whoa.

- I don't have a girlfriend.

- Yes, you do-- stop ruining

my cool moment with the window.

- Can we just get a drink? - No.

- Wait, so you broke up on your birthday?

- Yep.

- You said that you broke up on New Year's Eve.

- That is my birthday. - Oh.

I'm so sorry. - Yeah.

- So do you combine parties, or do you--

you just do another thing on another day?

- Are you sorry about me breaking up

or about my birthday being on New Year's Eve?

- Mainly the birthday--yeah, mainly the birthday thing.

- Yeah, me too, actually. - Oh, really?

It's probably 'cause-- [chuckles]

we--well, I nearly made "The Daily Mail"

the morning that you-- well, that we--yeah.

- Shit, I'm so sorry. - No, no, no, it's fine.

It was funny. It was quite funny.

They thought I was the cleaner, so you're safe.

I mean, the speed at which they assumed that

was pretty offensive.

- Well, that's ridiculous.

I mean, if anything, you left a real mess.

- Oh, my God. [gasps]

Oh, yeah, I--okay. - Mm-hmm.

- I didn't even put a towel down.

That was a bold move.

- My bed looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.

- Shut up. - I had to burn my sheets.

- [chuckles] No, you didn't.

- No, I didn't.

I put them in the freezer as a keepsake.

- [laughs]

Sorry, I just have to make a quick call.

Hello, Metropolitan Police.

I need--yeah, okay, no, I'll hold.

[chuckles]

- Who played the titular Father Ted?

- Dermot Morgan.

- Worth five points. - What?

- Quiz.

- And the answer is Dermot Morgan.

- Oh, you got it right!

- I love pub quizzes

in a healthy way, not in a psycho way.

- Yeah, me too. I love 'em.

I mean, people say I'm quite competitive

when I do it, but I don't think that--Zsa Zsa Gabor!

- Way too loud. What was that?

- I'm sorry.

- Just a reminder that teams need to pay

the five quid to participate in the quiz.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

- Question nine-- name three members

of the cast from the 1983 film "The Outsiders."

- C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze,

Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez,

Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon.

- How do you know that?

- Oh, I used to be a virgin. - [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - Okay...that's gross.

- It's gross?

- No, you can't say that. - I can say that.

- That--well, okay. - Okay, no, no, no.

- What? - Okay, I have a good one.

A very good one. - Okay.

- Okay, I--the options are... - Give it to me.

- Either you can kill a chicken with your bare hands

or you can live with the chicken for a year.

- Live with the chicken. - No, sorry.

It has to live inside. - Why can't it live outside?

- Because the chicken's paying rent.

Do you want to be that kind of landlord?

- [sighs] - Really?

- Yeah, kill it. - Yeah, cool, I'd do the same.

Um, this is where I live. - Oh, looks nice.

- It is. Yes, it is.

It's very nice.

It's--the ninth of it that is ours is pretty cozy.

- Right. [chuckles]

- So...

I'll see you later.

- Actually, probably not.

I'm away for a bit now. - Oh, oh, cool.

- Yeah. - Yeah, where are you going?

- Prague. - Wow.

Can't just make up a country, Tom,

just so you don't--

say, "Okay, I'm going to Prague."

Great. - Well, yeah, I am.

- Yeah, okay. [chuckles]

Well, it's good.

- Could I use your loo, actually?

- Yes, totally. - Yeah?

- No, of course, yes. - Cool.

- Should have said something earlier, yeah.

- Should we be winding a bit-- - Quiet.

- Yeah. - Okay, just bit a quiet.

- Where have you been?

I've been texting you--

Hey, I'm Kate.

- Tom. - Yeah.

- Nice to meet you. - Tom.

- Tom's here to use the bathroom.

- Okay, cool, great, yeah, love it.

It's great up there.

- It's down there? - I can show you.

- It's up on the-- - Just on the left.

- Just on the left, yeah. - Okay.

- Up.

- What the fuck? - Shut up.

- What's he doing here?

I thought you were supposed to be with Dan.

- I was with Dan, and then Tom

was there for some reason, and then Dan

is now going out with Claire, and Claire has a fringe now.

A lot has happened, lot has happened.

- Oh, my God.

When it rains, it absolutely pisses itself.

What the fuck? We're out of fucking tea.

Will he have whiskey?

We have ice cream.

What's the vibe? - That's the thing.

I don't know what the vibe is because he was like,

"Do you wanna go for a drink?" And then we went for a drink.

And then he was like, "Oh, I'll

walk a little bit of the way with you."

And then he's walked all the way here,

and then now he's in here,

and he's upstairs in the bathroom,

and I don't know what that is as a vibe.

- Okay, so the vibe is that he has made some bullshit excuse

to come over to our house because he's in love with you

and you are going to have sex. - Stop it.

Stop it. Shut up.

- [gasps]

You're going to go to the Oscars.

- Shut up!

[indistinct arguing]

- You're insane!

[indistinct arguing]

- Have you seen how hot he is? - I know.

Just calm down. - You don't understand.

- You're gonna embarrass me. You're gonna embarrass me.

- This is the best thing ever. That's why I'm freaking out.

- [sighs]

What are you doing?

[indistinct arguing]

- You are making this hard.

- I'm gonna do whatever-- - I don't care--hey.

How is everything up there?

- You were right. It's a real party in there.

- Oh, thank you. - I'd better be off.

- Oh, are you sure? Because--

- Yeah, no, of course, yeah, please.

- It was lovely to meet you.

- It was lovely to meet you, Tom.

- I'm sorry. - It was great to see you, pal.

- You too, yeah. [chuckles]

Um, I'll show you out, sorry. - Yeah, yeah, I'll just--

I'll see you around. - Yeah, totally.

- Good night. - Night.

[soft jazz music]

♪ ♪

- "Pal." - "Pal."

- Yeah, it's not great.

- Oh.

♪ ♪

- Fucking "pal."

♪ ♪