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1
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Edited at https://subtitletools.com
2
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,680
I met a girl I like today.
She's like... beautiful.
3
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,120
Emily Fitch...
4
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:15,400
Emms, you oughta spruce up, yeah?
Get some decent threads like Katie.
5
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,520
Katie Fitch...
6
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,480
Well, here it comes. She tried to
snog my sister at middle school.
7
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,400
Naomi Campbell...
8
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720
People tell lies about me.
9
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,760
Jonah Jeremia Jones...
10
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:26,800
Prestissimo!!
11
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,520
James Cook...
12
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,000
Pandora Moon...
13
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,360
Bonkers!
14
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,520
Elizabeth Stonem...
15
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,320
Maybe we could get
to know each other.
16
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:39,320
Fill in the form. First one to fill
it out gets to... get to know me.
17
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,080
Grab my balls...
18
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,360
Grab my balls... Grab my
balls...balls.
19
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:47,360
EXCITED PANTING
20
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:09,120
Contains very strong language,
drug taking, violence
and scenes of a sexual nature.
21
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,160
# If you like to gamble
22
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,440
# I tell you I'm your man
23
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,000
# You win some lose some
24
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,960
# It's all the same to me
25
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,880
# Wah wah wah wah wah
26
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,760
# Wah wah wah wah wah
27
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,000
# Wah wah wah wah
28
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,960
# The pleasure is to play
29
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:48,200
# Makes no difference
what you say... #
30
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,360
Get on home...
31
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,720
# I don't share your greed
32
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,400
# The only card I need is
33
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,800
# The ace of spades,
the ace of spades... #
34
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,720
Dude, calm down a bit.
It's like five o'clock.
35
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,200
Neighbours hasn't even started yet.
36
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,360
Sorry. Actually, no, not sorry.
37
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,320
I'm so fucking stoked, man.
38
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,920
I'M 17 TODAY!
39
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,440
That's an event horizon,
that's a milestone.
40
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,280
Isn't 18 traditionally the age...
41
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,960
Fuck tradition.
42
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,560
Just hope some people turn up.
43
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:15,680
They'll come.
44
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,040
You invited half the college.
45
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,760
All I know is that it
involves my dick getting damp.
46
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,480
What are you looking at,
you posh student bastards?
47
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,960
Fuck off back to playgroup.
48
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,880
Fucking wankers, come here.
Come here...
49
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,080
Come on, leave it. Forget 'em.
50
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,280
Ah, we're here.
51
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,160
Best pub in the west.
52
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,560
Hello boys.
53
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,720
All right, Christina.
54
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,320
Ay, ay lads,
here's the birthday boy.
55
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,400
Did you do all this?
56
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,040
Took me a long time, a good
forty, forty five minutes.
57
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,680
Ooh.
58
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,040
You all right?
59
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,600
Touch of pain in the privates,
it's the old whore wound.
60
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,320
Nothing I can't handle.
61
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,320
Oh, these are me boys, Freddie, JJ.
Boys, this is Uncle Keith.
62
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:02,600
Hello.
63
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:06,600
Pull my finger!
64
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,240
HE FARTS
65
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:15,240
You dirty old bugger!
66
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,800
If you'd be so kind, Christina?
67
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,680
Right you are, big boy.
68
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,680
And when I woke up, the pool
was three feet deep in piss.
69
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,600
Mum, I shouted, don't jump in!
But it was too late.
70
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,600
So, you and the Buxton Rovers under
21s managed to do that in one night?
71
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,800
Just me, the lads, and a shit
load of all-inclusive mild.
72
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,360
And they never pinned it on me.
73
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,600
Plus, you got to remember,
this was 1962.
74
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,760
I mean, Pontin's was a fairly
permissive place back then.
75
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,320
Bit like Afghanistan in the '70s.
76
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,560
But with the Krankies
and slightly more Taliban.
77
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,800
Tell that one where you hit
Bob Dylan over the head
78
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,640
with a box of fish fingers.
79
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,320
Another time. I've gotta go
and see a man about a dog.
80
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,200
A dog filled with drugs.
81
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,200
See you boys. Oh,
happy birthday, Cookie.
82
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,160
That, my friends, is what you
call a legend.
83
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,640
To who, exactly?
84
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:16,680
What?
85
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,560
Who is he a legend to?
86
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,440
Me.
87
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,040
Blokes in pubs. Christina.
88
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,080
People.
89
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:25,040
I think the guy's crazy.
90
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,840
I think the guy's crazy.
Exactly man. Exactly.
91
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,840
Same again please, Christina.
92
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,320
Wey!
93
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,920
Look, man. Look at that.
Quality totty. That's top shelf shit.
94
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,880
Guys, guys, hey baby...
95
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,160
I'm so happy to introduce you to my
legendary night out
96
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,800
in celebration of my birthday.
97
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:47,840
Apart from you.
98
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:48,920
But I...
99
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,560
What are you doing here!
You burnt my house, man! Get out!
100
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,480
It was an accident. I'm sorry...
101
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,920
What the fuck!
102
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,920
I'm 17 today, so all bets are off.
Do what the fuck you like.
103
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,720
Flush your mates down the toilet.
Eat grapes off each other.
104
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,280
Smash speakers over your heads.
105
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,960
If partying's a crime,
who's gonna get arrested first?
106
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,960
LET'S GO FUCKING MENTAL!
107
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,800
Way hey hey hey hey!
108
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,600
Party people!
109
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,960
# For he's a jolly good fellow
110
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,320
# For he's a jolly good fellow
111
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:25,320
# For he's a jolly good fellow
112
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,560
# And so say all of us. #
113
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,160
Thanks man, thank you very much.
114
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,480
What's next?
115
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,640
Oh, yeah. More drinks! More drinks!
116
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,960
More drinks! More drinks! More
drinks! More drinks! Yeah?
117
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,960
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah...
118
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,000
He's fun.
119
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,040
You have no idea.
120
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,120
He's already had half
a bottle of vodka.
121
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,880
Really? How crazy!
122
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,600
Ha ha ha. Yeah!
123
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,800
Tequila! Who's in?
124
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,160
Yeah... OK.
125
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:55,320
Anyone else?
126
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,080
Yeah, go on then. Yeah.
127
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,320
Airwolf.
128
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,040
Let's go, man.
129
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,920
Awoo!
130
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,480
Awoo!
131
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,520
Awoo!
132
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,800
Awoo!
133
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,960
Awoo!
134
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,680
Awoo!
135
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,120
Awooooooooo.
136
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,000
Awooooo!
137
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,040
Awooooo!
Awooooo.
138
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,440
Hey, Cook. Do you
wanna see your birthday trick?
139
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:21,480
Lay it on me, magic man.
140
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,640
One pint of normal drinking water.
141
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,720
You'll like this one.
I've seen it before.
142
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,720
What? He does magic?
143
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,000
Wow!
144
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:37,000
Shazam, motherfucker!
145
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:42,760
Cook, what you doing?
146
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:46,200
That's minging.
147
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:50,080
(HE BELCHES)
148
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,560
What is wrong with you?
149
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:55,560
Yes! Come on!
150
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,760
Someone's been drinking...
151
00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,680
milkshake?
152
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,240
Strawberry milkshake. Am I right?
153
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,480
Yes. How did you know?
154
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,560
Ah, am I ninja,
or am I not a ninja?
155
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,360
Christina, we've had rejection.
156
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,440
We need a bucket, a mop
157
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:12,440
and 16 shots of tequilaaaaaa!
158
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,920
Oh, great, it's the
lesbian come to gay us up.
159
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,760
Shh... I've told you to fucking...
Just leave it, ok!
160
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,200
Um. Hi, everyone.
161
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,200
Hi.
162
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,200
Want to know a secret?
163
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,560
What?
164
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:47,680
I know the cure.
165
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,680
The cure for what?
166
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,680
(It's my cock.)
167
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,680
What the hell are you talking about?
168
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,360
Hey, look what I made.
169
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,840
Cake! Top, man, fucking top!
170
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,840
It's double chocolate chip cookie.
171
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,120
Cheers, girl. Mmmm.
172
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:09,120
Cake. My cake! Mine!
173
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,160
Mmmm.
174
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,160
Mmm.
175
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,720
Fucking good, man...
176
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:43,600
Thank you, man.
177
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,320
Uh! (WHISTLES)
178
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,360
You OK?
179
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,960
Yep. Totally cool. Just a bit...
180
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,120
you know, full.
181
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,920
Can't believe you
ate the whole thing.
182
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,000
Well, someone had to
get this party started.
183
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,640
Party? Do you call this a party?
184
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,280
Where's the conversation?
185
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,160
Where's the dancing?
Where are the men?
186
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:09,360
We're men.
187
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:10,400
You're boys.
188
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,640
Do you want to measure my dick?
It's daddy-sized.
189
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,360
So you lot think this party's shit,
yeah?
190
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:16,120
It's a little bit...
191
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,280
It could be...
192
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:21,280
It could be...
It's shit.
193
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,960
Shit.
194
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,680
Something's got to happen, man.
195
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,800
Something big.
196
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,960
Come on, man.
197
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,600
I'm ready! Just tell me when.
198
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,120
Give me a sign!
199
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,920
CLAP OF THUNDER
200
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,800
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Thank you, man...
201
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,800
What?
202
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,600
But where are you, I can't hear...
203
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,760
I don't have anything, OK?
204
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:48,760
Who is it?
205
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:49,800
My sister, Karen.
206
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:50,800
Tell her I said hi.
207
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,960
No, I haven't got anything, OK?
208
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,960
You'll have to find your own.
No, I don't have any drugs! Bye.
209
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,320
Why couldn't you hear her?
210
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,440
She's at some engagement party.
Her mate Kayleigh's getting hitched.
211
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,360
So it'll be free bar,
free entry, that kind of thing?
212
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,240
Yeah, I suppose, why?
213
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,520
No.
214
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,440
No, no, no, no, no. No way!
215
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,840
Why not?
216
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,280
Cos my sister's there,
and I don't want to see her.
217
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,840
Plus, she doesn't
like you very much.
218
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,480
Why not? I'm always touching
her and flirting with her.
219
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:18,840
Yeah.
220
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,480
Yeah.
Her tits stand to attention
when I'm around. I've seen it.
221
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,880
Listen to me, we're not going. No.
222
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,880
No. No way.
223
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:32,600
Come on everybody, cos,
yeah we going to a party!
224
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,840
All right?
225
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,520
Not coming in.
226
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:40,720
Why not?
227
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,040
Why not?
Private party.
228
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,600
Plus underage.
229
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,520
Plus don't like look of you.
Not coming in.
230
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,120
Listen to me, robot.
231
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,160
You may rank way above me
in terms of strength and size,
232
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,640
but at least I can love.
233
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,760
Now can you let me in?
234
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,200
Not coming in.
235
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,560
Listen, fate has brought me here.
236
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,320
Do you understand?
You're not letting fate in the club.
237
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,400
It's not like fate
is wearing trainers.
238
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,000
Fate just wants a
couple of drinks, a little dance.
239
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,600
And fate is actually also desperate
for the toilet. Now can we come in?
240
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,680
How about you fuck off?
241
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,560
How about you're a fucking cock?
242
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,280
I'll fucking break
your fucking face, mate!
243
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,000
What?
244
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,680
I said I'll fucking
break your fucking face.
245
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,040
You'll get your
fucking head kicked in here!
246
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,160
Come on! Fucking prick.
247
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,200
Just chill out, yeah?
248
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,000
I don't think he's
going to let us in.
249
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,240
Nah, he's just an obstacle.
250
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,960
We're meant to go this party.
251
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,840
Fate'll sort it. Just wait.
252
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,400
(Brilliant. Idiot.
He's such a fucking tosser.)
253
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,920
Freddie?!
What the fuck are you doing here?
254
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,400
Hi, Karen.
255
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,880
You can't come in. It's private.
256
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,560
It's Cook's birthday.
257
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,840
Unless you've got drugs, fuck off,
and take your friends with you.
258
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,520
Oh, come on Karen.
259
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,640
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
260
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,760
Yeah. Look, it's not my decision.
It's her party.
261
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,680
I'm getting married.
262
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:02,680
Congratulations.
263
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,600
Jesus.
264
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,960
Will you let us in?
265
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,000
Well, there is a pretty strict
dress code.
266
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:18,000
How strict exactly?
267
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,440
Let's cock and roll, baby!
268
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,200
Isn't it lush?
Daddy says nothing's too good for me.
269
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,960
You got that right, babe.
So, who you marrying?
270
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,680
Oh, just some guy.
He's a bit of a twat.
271
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,240
Ah, cheers, man.
272
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,080
When she said "party"...
273
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:56,080
You thought she meant an acid-fuelled
sex rave without the Mancunians.
274
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,720
This is more...
275
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,360
Jelly and ice cream.
276
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,400
Uhh, get it down you, girls.
277
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,400
Top freebies, yeah? Love it.
278
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,840
I hate champagne.
279
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,280
Then why you fucking
drinking it, then?
280
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,240
It's free.
281
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,080
Dad!
282
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:14,840
Kaleigh-kins.
283
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,840
Hi! This is Cookie...
284
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,640
Finish your drink, kid.
285
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,960
Have as much as you like.
286
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,800
Nothing's too good for
my Kayleigh... Right?
287
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,760
And I wouldn't want
anything to ruin the evening...
288
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,880
drop the tone...
289
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,640
Anything at all.
290
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,080
OK?
291
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:42,080
Right you are.
292
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,080
Enjoy.
293
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,400
Kayleigh. You're almost a woman...
294
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,040
Thanks, Daddy.
295
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:54,040
Almost.
296
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:02,120
See you around, Cookie.
297
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,800
You twat. Didn't you know?
298
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,320
Fuck it, man.
I'm just getting started.
299
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,080
What's the fuss?
300
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,640
He's Johnny White. The gangster.
301
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,040
Yeah. Legend.
302
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,440
He murdered those two nuns
over a pint of Guinness.
303
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,520
Allegedly.
304
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,720
I hear he stabbed a policeman in
the neck with a stuffed guillemot.
305
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,720
That's so not true. It was a puffin.
306
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,800
So. Who's for narcotics?
307
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:23,600
Me.
308
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,080
Me.
309
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,280
Me.
310
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,040
Me?
311
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,400
What?
312
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,400
I've decided I love drugs.
313
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,080
Aah.
314
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,320
Rum punch.
315
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,000
What is it?
316
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,920
Uncle Keith's special blend.
317
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,760
A hallucinogenic
opiate and stimulant.
318
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,600
Four hours of THC giggles
and MDMA highs
319
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,320
with a transcendental kicker.
320
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,400
Sounds good.
321
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,880
Well, come on, then. Jesus.
322
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,480
All in good time, babes.
Weird girl?
323
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:01,840
Yeah?
324
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,640
Yeah?
Hold that.
325
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,640
Yeah?
Hold that.
Fuck's sakes,
are we getting any or what?!
326
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,920
No, no, no. Wait!
327
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,800
Hang on, what you doing?
328
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,000
What?
329
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,280
Was that wrong?
330
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,320
Did you just swallow my drugs?
331
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:17,840
She's fucking finished it!
332
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,080
It tastes horrible!
333
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,000
You're not supposed to eat it!
334
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,800
It goes up the nose, you twat.
335
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,640
Let's go fly a kite, girl!
336
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:26,920
What about us?
337
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,640
Well, you can drink
some of the weird girl's blood,
338
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,080
she's like a walking syringe.
339
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,240
My mouth's gone all numb.
340
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,200
I'm not surprised!
341
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,280
We've done ours, let's go!
342
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:40,280
Come on Panders,
we're out of here.
343
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,520
I said you shouldn't
have let them in.
344
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,040
I said you shouldn't
have let them in.
Where's the love?
345
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,600
You're a wanker, James.
346
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,600
(LAUGHS)
347
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,840
You will get us some more,
won't you, Cookie?
348
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,320
Yeah.
349
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,640
Cos if you could,
350
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,880
that would be - God -
351
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,880
really, really great.
352
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,160
I need more class A drugs, quick.
353
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:24,200
Why?
354
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,200
Cos that Kayleigh girl
just gave me the look.
355
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,240
What sort of look is that?
356
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,400
This one.
357
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,240
Right. I see what you mean.
358
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,040
Freddie, we've got
to get this man some drugs.
359
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:39,960
Why? Do the look.
360
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:40,920
What does that mean?
361
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,440
It means I'm getting laid tonight,
Fred.
362
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,440
Please, not Kayleigh.
Think of me and JJ.
363
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:47,840
You're not fucking her.
364
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,120
I thought you liked Effy.
365
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,600
Yeah, she's a peach. But I already
tapped that. Top-dollar shag.
366
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,760
She's my last resort.
Sure thing, I reckon.
367
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,720
You shagged Effy?
368
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,360
Oh, come on, Freds.
369
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,520
When?
370
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,520
First day I met her.
371
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,760
Why didn't you tell us?
372
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,320
Because apart from those times when
my cock is up your arse,
373
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,240
you have no reason to worry about
where it is the rest of the time.
374
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,800
But...
375
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,640
..JJ likes her.
376
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,920
I was going to ask her out. I mean,
377
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,480
she seemed like she liked me.
378
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,720
You snooze, you lose, dude.
I've got a snake
379
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,720
in my dick that's about to throw up.
380
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,760
Naomi. Wait!
381
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,560
What?
382
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:54,640
Where are you going?
383
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,400
Home.
384
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,560
Don't go.
385
00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,720
Why not?
386
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,720
I dunno. Because...
387
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,320
Why does your sister think I'm gay?
388
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,120
Sorry.
389
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:16,120
See you around, Emily.
390
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,800
Thank you. Yes, please.
391
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,880
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
392
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,680
The father of the bride,
393
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,680
Mr Johnny White.
394
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,480
So. My daughter's getting married
395
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,400
and she couldn't have chosen
a nicer bloke - Steve Heston.
396
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,120
APPLAUSE
397
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,280
Unfortunately, Steve couldn't
attend today without violating
398
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,760
the terms of his probation.
He couldn't be here himself,
399
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,440
but he is well represented
by members of his family.
400
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,600
Welcome, Hestons. No more rucks.
401
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,880
No more knives. No more pliers.
402
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,240
We're gonna be tight
as a badger's bum.
403
00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:01,040
The Whites and the Hestons brought
together in the marriage bed,
404
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,120
still fucking each other,
but in a good way.
405
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,320
APPLAUSE
406
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:11,320
Come up here, sweetheart.
407
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,560
You've kept yourself pure
for so long
408
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,000
for this task of peace.
409
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,360
In times of strife,
you've lit up my life,
410
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,160
and now you're gonna be
Steve's wife.
411
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:33,160
LAUGHTER
412
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,000
And I just want to say...
413
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,600
Don't she look a picture?
414
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,600
APPLAUSE
415
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:49,440
I could just eat her.
416
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,240
RHYTHMIC HAND-CLAPPING
417
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,240
Right, charge your glasses with
free booze, and raise 'em.
418
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,440
Kayleigh and Steve.
419
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,920
Pandora, wake up, you dozy cow.
420
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,920
Hi. It's me.
421
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:17,680
I need a favour.
422
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,440
Uncle Keith!
423
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,520
All right, Cookie?
424
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,960
Cheers.
425
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,000
Not a problem.
426
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,800
There you go.
427
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,640
Direct from Weston-super-Mare.
428
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,400
You're a lifesaver, Keith.
429
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,800
Gotta go, Cook.
Gotta see a dog about a bone.
430
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,800
A bone that is my cock.
431
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,040
Get it out, then.
432
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,680
OK.
433
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,120
Not that. The drugs, idiot.
434
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,120
Oh, OK.
435
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:57,360
Thank you.
436
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:04,160
Ooh!
437
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:05,480
Is that all you're doing?
438
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,240
Yep.
439
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,800
That was a hamster-sized bump.
Don't you want any more?
440
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,560
No.
441
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,800
OK.
442
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,160
So...
443
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,760
So.
444
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,320
OK, I'll see you later!
445
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,480
What? I thought we were gonna bone.
446
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,240
And what made you think that?
447
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,640
You've had the drugs
and you gave me the look. What look?
448
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,000
This one.
449
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,120
That's the
"I'll fuck for drugs" look.
450
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,600
Now stop arguing and get on my cock.
No.
451
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,600
Blow me, then. My dick is clean.
452
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,080
I don't care! Hand-job?
453
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,520
But you've got to let me have a go
on your tits whilst you're doing it.
454
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,840
Listen...
455
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,840
If anyone's going to get a lick of
my fanny, they'll have to impress me.
456
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,800
So...if you do...
457
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,080
I'll let you stick it anywhere.
458
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:55,080
My tits, my arse, my armpit...
459
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,800
anywhere.
460
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,960
You're filthy.
461
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,360
Yes, I am.
462
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:10,360
And look, no knickers.
Whoops. See ya!
463
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:22,280
OK.
464
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,000
What's he doing now?
465
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,600
Is he going to sing?
466
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,120
Yeah.
467
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,200
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to dedicate this
468
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,680
to a very special lady.
469
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,240
MUSIC STARTS
470
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:56,240
Oh, shit. This is going to be bad.
471
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,640
# I've been alive forever
472
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:13,040
# And I wrote the very first song
473
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,440
Go on, my son.
474
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:19,440
# I put the words
and the melodies together
475
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,800
# I am music, and I write the songs
476
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,560
# I write the songs that make
the whole world sing
477
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,480
# I write the songs of love
and special things
478
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,760
# I write the songs that make
those young girls cry
479
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:53,040
# I write the songs
I write the songs
480
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,160
# Oh, my music makes you dance
481
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,160
# And gives you spirit
to take a chance
482
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,720
# And I wrote
some rock 'n' roll so you can move
483
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,880
# Music fills your heart
484
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,160
# Well, that's
a real fine place to start
485
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,640
# It's from me, it's for you
486
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,680
# It's from you, it's for me
487
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,680
# It's a worldwide symphony
488
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:27,040
# I write the songs that make
the whole world sing
489
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:34,040
# I write the songs of love
and special things
490
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:41,040
# I write the songs that make
the young girls cry
491
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,800
# I write the songs
I write the songs
492
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,080
# I write the songs
that make the whole world sing
493
00:24:56,360 --> 00:25:00,360
# I write the songs of love
and special things
494
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,640
# I write the songs that make
the young girls cry
495
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,680
# I write the songs
I write the songs
496
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:23,000
# I am music
and I write the songs... #
497
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,200
I'm upset, Cookie.
498
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,160
You made me look
like a fucking idiot
499
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,560
and I'm not used to that, you know?
500
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,880
and I'm not used to that, you know?
Are you sure?
501
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,160
Stick him up on there. >
502
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,160
I wanna teach this fucker
a lesson he'll never forget.
503
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,200
See? You tried to ruin
my lovely party.
504
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:09,200
And now, really really bad things
are gonna happen.
505
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,400
It was worth it. Her tits were mint.
506
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,920
Mr...Mr White.
507
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:19,920
He's very sorry. I'll take him home,
and we're leaving.
508
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:24,200
We don't want to upset your
beautiful daughter any more.
509
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,640
You're right.
510
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,000
She is beautiful.
511
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,000
It's your lucky day.
512
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,640
Let him go.
513
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:36,360
Aaaaargh!
514
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,240
Aaaaargh!
Not like that, you tossers!
515
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:39,880
My fucking dress!
516
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,640
Fucking hell, Johnny,
you fucking told... Oh, fuck.
517
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,400
Fucking hell, Johnny,
you fucking told... Oh, fuck.
Oh, God, whoopsey!
518
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:53,720
Look at my tracksuit,
you weasely little prick!
519
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,000
What'd you say?
520
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,640
You're a weasely cunting prick!
521
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:01,920
You fucking Hobbit!
522
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,120
And we've all fucked your daughter.
Ain't we lads?
523
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:07,480
And we've all fucked your daughter.
Ain't we lads?
(ALL) Yeah!
524
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,840
What'd you fucking say?
525
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,840
Aaah, fuckers!!!
526
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:18,760
SCREAMING
527
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,400
# Kayleigh, is it too late
to say I'm sorry?
528
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:40,840
# Kayleigh, could we get it
together again?
529
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,960
# I just can't go on pretending
530
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,800
# That it came to a natural end... #
531
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,800
Pffft!
532
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:08,320
Get out, get out!
533
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,440
LAUGHTER
534
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,320
(THEY COUGH AND WHEEZE) >
535
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:32,840
(GASPING) OK. That's far enough.
536
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:34,120
Cool party! >
537
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,720
Cheers.
538
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:37,440
You're fucking unbelievable.
539
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,880
(GIGGLES PLAYFULLY)
540
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:40,520
I needed to get laid, man.
541
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,640
I needed to get laid, man.
You're always fucking
trying to get laid. >
542
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,640
I try. I succeed. Right?
543
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaking of which,
any of you girls fancy it?
544
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,160
(LAUGHS) No, thanks.
You're repulsive!
545
00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:01,920
Weird girl.
546
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:03,520
You're beautiful, but no.
547
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:07,520
My tuppence feels all funny.
548
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:13,360
How about it then, Peachy?
549
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:17,360
Looks like it's just me and you.
550
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,640
Come on, Amy Winehouse. Home.
551
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:32,640
See ya!
552
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,400
Come on, we'll go somewhere else.
553
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,680
Somewhere with women.
554
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,520
Nah.
555
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:40,800
I ain't going anywhere.
556
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:41,320
Why the fuck not?
557
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,360
Why the fuck not?
I'm tired.
558
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,640
I'm going home, all right?
559
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:48,640
you talking about, "you're tired"?
560
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,440
I'm tired of you, mate.
561
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,000
What's that supposed to mean?
562
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:58,000
It means I can't look
after you any more.
563
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,400
I can't do it.
564
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,560
Oh, fuck you then!
565
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,440
Coming then?
566
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:20,440
Sure.
567
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:24,680
Let's go find some fucking women.
568
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:40,760
Hey, Cook,
569
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,480
w-w-what is this place?
570
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,360
Oh, it's just a club.
571
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:46,880
Late night thing, you know?
572
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,360
Lots of girls. Friendly.
573
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:53,360
Oh, OK.
574
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:59,000
R&B MUSIC PLAYS
575
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:20,000
Oh, my stars and garters!
576
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:24,000
All right, my lover?
577
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:39,320
(FRENCH ACCENT) Hello boys.
Looking for a sex dance?
578
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:40,720
You like Frankie? >
579
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:42,400
Hello, darlings.
580
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,560
She's double jointed.
581
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,360
So?
582
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,240
Slinky! But we're actually after...
583
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:52,000
the other service.
584
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:53,280
Bit of the other?
585
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,880
Stepping this way, please.
586
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,160
The other service?
587
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,800
Yeah. Tonight's your
lucky night, GayJay.
588
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,600
You get to lose your virginity to
an odds-on moderately pretty girl.
589
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:06,080
I'm not sure I want to.
590
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:10,040
Listen to me. Are you a fucking
scrawny little mousy queer boy,
591
00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:13,160
or are you a man with a
functioning set of cock and balls?
592
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:14,520
Um...
593
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:15,680
the second one.
594
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:19,680
Good. Come on, let's get our fuck on.
595
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:25,920
So.
596
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,560
What sort of thing
are you looking for?
597
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,320
I'd like a woman with big tits.
598
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:31,760
And you?
599
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,400
Er...same thing.
600
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,400
But not too big, right?
601
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:40,400
Yes, I know the perfect girls
for you. >
602
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,760
Amber! Megan!
603
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:47,880
Ha-ha! Yeeaaahh!!
604
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:51,240
All right, gorgeous? This way.
605
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:52,840
And Megan. Here she is.
606
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,400
Hello!
607
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:58,400
Oooh, curly hair! >
608
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:01,920
So, will you let me do
anything I ask ya?
609
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,240
Anything. But it'll cost you, mind.
610
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:05,680
How much to whack you up the cracker?
611
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:06,880
How much to whack you up the cracker?
Hundred.
612
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:09,160
Whoa!
613
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,040
That's a lot more than I've got.
614
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,360
How much for your straight ahead,
615
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,280
run of the mill,
bread and butter shag?
616
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,200
run of the mill,
bread and butter shag?
75.
617
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:19,640
What if I'm really good?
618
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,960
It don't make no difference,
darling.
619
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,040
Ok. I'll guess I'll just
have a hand-job then.
620
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,680
All right.
621
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:33,680
(SNIGGERS)
622
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,360
This your first time then?
623
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:40,560
You got cash on you?
624
00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:42,120
You got cash on you?
(NERVOUSLY) Mm-hmm.
625
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:43,320
Right. Tick sharp!
626
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,600
Clothes off, we'll get you started.
627
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:47,520
Come on then,
let's have a look at it.
628
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:48,720
OK.
629
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:52,720
You don't have to do
anything you don't want to.
630
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,840
Could I...kiss you?
631
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,320
We don't do kissing.
632
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,120
That's all I want to do.
633
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,760
Sod it.
634
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,240
Come on then.
635
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:07,160
Could you...show me how?
636
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,520
I've never really...
637
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,360
You've never kissed a girl?
638
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:12,240
No. Well...
639
00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:14,360
My mum. My Aunt Lucy.
640
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:16,120
Right. Aunt Lucy. >
641
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,520
I'm sorry.
642
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:22,520
Come here.
643
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:27,800
That was nice!
644
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,520
Much better than Aunt Lucy!
645
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,640
Want to do it again?
646
00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:33,400
I don't mind.
647
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:37,400
Yeah!
648
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,080
Oh, Jesus, Amber, you've got
liquid fucking fingers!
649
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:47,360
Oh, Jesus, Amber, you've got
liquid fucking fingers!
You like that, yeah?
650
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:48,880
I like it very much.
651
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:50,680
WHIPPING IN NEXT ROOM
652
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,040
Oh Yeah! Yeah!
653
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:53,600
Harder! Harder! >
654
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:55,080
MORE WHIPPING
655
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:56,160
Yeah!
656
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,200
Harder!
657
00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:58,600
You like that? >
658
00:34:58,600 --> 00:34:59,640
Harder!
659
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:00,760
MORE WHIPPING
660
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:03,240
Who's that? Is that...?
661
00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:04,760
Oh, that's just Johnny. >
662
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:07,480
Greta's regular. Seven inches. >
663
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,560
Freaky foreskin. Big tipper.
664
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:10,880
Naughty boy! >
665
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:11,880
Wicked!
666
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,080
sorry if you're fucking,
667
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:18,080
Sorry if you're fucking...
668
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:22,400
What kind of
fucking gay shit is this?
669
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:23,440
Cook!
670
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:26,200
You're supposed to be banging her,
not canoodling!
671
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:27,760
Sorry.
672
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,400
Pay the girl, JJ.
673
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:32,440
Something's come up, and I'm not
talking about your willy.
674
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,760
No, no. No charge.
I can't charge for a kiss.
675
00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,680
Really?
676
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:41,680
Actually, no.
That'll be a tenner, please.
677
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,240
What's going on?
678
00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:50,400
Sssh!
679
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:51,200
You like that? >
680
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:52,280
You like that? >
I like it! >
681
00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:53,440
Madame Greta, say Madame Greta! >
682
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:54,560
Madame Greta, say Madame Greta! >
Madame Greta! >
683
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:55,120
Electrocution! >
684
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:56,200
Electrocution! >
Electrocution! >
685
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:58,800
Behind this door is opportunity!
686
00:35:58,800 --> 00:35:59,560
Not enough! >
687
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:00,840
Not enough! >
Enough! Ha-ha! >
688
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:04,640
What do you mean? Who's that?
689
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:05,800
(It's Johnny...!)
690
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,800
Yes! Now you stay here,
naughty boy. >
691
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:09,080
I'm gonna get the barbed wire. >
692
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:10,680
I'm gonna get the barbed wire. >
Quick, hide!
693
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,080
WHIP CRACKS
694
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:25,600
FOOTSTEPS
695
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,720
Right. Come on. You're my witness!
696
00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:29,880
To what?
697
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:33,880
(GIGGLING)
This is gonna blow your mind!
698
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,720
Say cheese!
699
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,320
What the fuck are you doing here?
700
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:49,680
We're visiting, Johnny.
701
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:51,360
Look at you!
702
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:51,960
Fuck off. I'm busy! >
703
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,960
Fuck off. I'm busy! >
Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking
punch you in your fucking cock!
704
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,440
So. Who'd have thought big bad
gangster man Johnny White
705
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,880
likes to be spanked
like the naughty boy he is?
706
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,840
I like spanking.
What's your problem?
707
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,800
You ruined my chances of
sleeping with two girls tonight
708
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,400
by making me look stupid. >
709
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,480
So, once I show this little Kodak
moment to everyone I know,
710
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:17,000
you're gonna look stupid,
711
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:21,000
and I'll be a legend
for managing to take it.
712
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:25,320
(WHISTLES APPROVINGLY)
713
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,160
This is mine now!
714
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:29,720
See you around.
715
00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:32,000
You don't have the balls
to show that photo. >
716
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:32,560
What?
717
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:36,280
What?
I said, you don't have the
balls to show that to anyone.
718
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:38,600
Right?
719
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,360
little pussy. Watch me.
720
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,440
Do you know who I am? What I can do?
721
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:45,880
Yeah!
722
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:47,720
You heard what I said, boy. >
723
00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:49,000
Why don't you say it once more?
724
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:52,720
Why don't you say it once more?
You don't have the fucking balls!
725
00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:56,000
You don't have the fucking balls!
726
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:59,200
(LOUDER)
You don't have the fucking...
727
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,120
ELECTRIC CURRENT BUZZES
728
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:05,120
(GROANS AND CHOKES)
729
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,680
Nnngh...! Aargh...! Turn it off...
730
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,320
Cook!
731
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,760
(WINDS DOWN DIAL)
732
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,760
Come on, let's go!
733
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:23,840
Hey, Cookie. Does your mummy
know where you are?
734
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,040
Your mum.
735
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,280
I bet you're the apple
of her cunting eye.
736
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:32,000
Shut up. Don't speak about my mum.
737
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,640
I think you came here
to see her, didn't you?
738
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:36,400
SHUT UP!
739
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,800
Because your mum is a fucking slag!
740
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:40,720
Raaaargh!
741
00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:43,840
Shut up about my family. You don't
know me, so shut the fuck up!
742
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:45,760
Do you know who I am?
743
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:46,560
What I can fucking do?!
744
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:47,800
What I can fucking do?!
745
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:49,800
I'm Cook! I'm fucking...!
746
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:50,960
Stop it!!!
747
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,360
I'm COOOOOK!
748
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,040
It's me!
749
00:38:56,040 --> 00:39:00,040
It's JJ!
750
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:21,000
Fucking bastard...
751
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:26,800
Fucking shit...
752
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:29,120
Fucking cunt...
753
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:33,120
Kid, kid!
754
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,480
I like you, kid. You're all right.
755
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:39,480
SHUT UP!
756
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,320
The next time I see you,
757
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:46,320
you're dead.
758
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:18,880
# Where have all the wicked gone?
759
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:28,840
# Is there no-one to condemn me?
760
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:39,360
# Where have all the holy gone?
761
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:50,160
# Is there no-one left
to break you down? #
762
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,720
Cook, what the hell are you doing?
It's 6am. It's Saturday morning.
763
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:13,320
Everyone's asleep. Including me.
764
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:14,160
Wait! Wait!
765
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:15,520
Shhh!
766
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:16,800
What?
767
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,160
I need to speak to you.
768
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:23,160
OK, OK, I'll meet you in the shed.
769
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:18,120
CAN OF DRINK OPENS
770
00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:21,120
Jesus, man.
Have you not stopped drinking?
771
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:25,120
Oh, don't be a cock about it.
I've been up all night.
772
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:44,960
So what are we doing today, then?
773
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:46,800
Didn't you hear
what I said last night?
774
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,960
Oh, come on, man.
You were just in a bad mood.
775
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,760
Yeah. I was.
776
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:55,640
Cos you almost got us killed.
777
00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:58,920
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Sorry about that.
778
00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:01,960
You're apologizing?
779
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:05,960
That's a first.
780
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:20,000
Something happened.
781
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,440
I wasn't me.
782
00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:27,680
I was me.
783
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:31,680
I don't know.
784
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:35,480
I did something stupid.
785
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:36,640
That's nothing new.
786
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:40,000
Something really stupid. Something I
wouldn't have done if you was there.
787
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:43,800
Right. So you've come here to ask
me to look after you all the time.
788
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,240
Make sure you don't do
anything stupid ever again.
789
00:43:46,240 --> 00:43:48,680
Something like that.
790
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,680
No.
791
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:53,800
What?
792
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:55,000
I'm not going to do that.
793
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:56,320
Why not?
794
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:59,680
Cos lately, it's like
you go looking for trouble.
795
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:00,760
I wouldn't say I go...
796
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,000
Do you want to die, mate?
Is that what you want?
797
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,160
You're drinking yourself to death,
you're fighting gangsters.
798
00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:09,280
I don't even want to know
what happened last night.
799
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:13,280
You're killing yourself to impress
some pissed-up old wanker in a pub.
800
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:20,040
Why are you smiling?
801
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:24,040
Because it's us...
802
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:29,520
..isn't it?
803
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:31,640
Me, you and JJ.
804
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:34,920
Best mates for life.
805
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:38,920
You're not taking me with you, OK?
806
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:44,280
I fucking love you, man.
807
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:47,920
I fucking love you to bits.
808
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:51,920
I...
809
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:57,240
Yeah.
810
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:01,920
OK.
811
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:05,920
But you've got to stop all this
crazy shit.
812
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:10,280
Shut it, you pussy.
813
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:23,120
ENGINE APPROACHES
814
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:32,560
ENGINE BACKFIRES
815
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:41,000
(LAUGHS)
816
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:52,040
# The only card I need is the
ace of spades, the ace of spades. #
817
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:59,680
# Playing for the high one
Dancing with the devil
818
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:03,680
# Going with the flow
It's all a game to me... #
819
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:10,000
Are you here
for business or pleasure?
820
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:14,000
Sorry?
821
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:16,360
Let's get this started!
822
00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:20,360
Hang on. He's pushing dope
at my fucking shindig!
823
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:26,400
You're African, come on!
824
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:32,720
Fuck off out of my... Ooof!
825
00:46:32,720 --> 00:46:36,720
I want you to see what kind of man
you're dealing with, Thomas.
826
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:58,200
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