Original subtitles

The easiest way to win a game

is to make your opponent

think they're playing a different game entirely.

The only crime I'm guilty of is being an embarrassing nepo baby

-who's trying to do some good. -Yeah, how's that going?

I wanna prove to everyone that I'm not a... fuck-up.

Jay didn't do it. He's sweeter than I expected.

That lying piece of shit. This isn't his finger.

Enjoy the remodel.

She's a home decor witch!

What's Mayor Tillman doing here?

How is the pod? Right?

I'm... Hey, I'm still avail to guest, FYI.

I'm collecting signatures to stop New York City

from opening its first ever casino.

I got an offer on my place.

It's big.

I, uh, joined a dating service for sexy seniors.

It's called, uh, Last Gasp.

Oh! Last Gasp notification.

-Priscilla, she's so funny. -You told her about the case?

Just a... a little tidbit.

You're being catfished, Charles.

This glitch is from the same footage as THĒ and Seth Rogen's.

-Something has been cut out. -Why is the Last Gasp peach logo

the same as on the security footage?

That's who's been messaging me?

-And cooked the footage. -And maybe killed Lester.

What does it say?

You're such a smarty-pants.

Now I need to come hunt you down.

When you live as a titan of industry

on this planet amid the metropoleis...

nothing means more than getting away.

To think, to play, or just... escape.

You think he knows he's goin' to the vet?

Well, if he didn't, he does now.

Oh.

Ooh, it's one of those "Silver Alerts." Always so sad

-when an old person goes missing. -Aw.

It says, "Endangered adult male, 74, 5'7", brunette,

"last seen wearing southwestern cowboy boots

-and a purple scarf." -Oh! Thank God!

Did it say the boots were turquoise?

Oh, thank God!

Thank God.

You gotta save me.

I'm in danger.

You hear it all the time.

"The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward."

But when it comes down to it, most people aren't willing to take the leap.

What the very successful know

is that you have to take bold risks to strike gold.

So, tell me, are you willing to go all in for greatness?

-I said, are you willing? -Yes!

Sorry. I know he is our murder suspect.

But the "Bash Steed Greatness Academy" audio tapes

are really inspiring.

That was $18 well spent.

If only he let it slip where to find him, then I'd be all in.

Oh, wait a minute, this might be something.

-What? -Oh. No.

His company website says, "Bash Steed is a citizen of the universe

"with a home in each of the continents

-and a bio module on Mars." -Wow. Wow.

He's also an asshole, pardon my French.

I mean, he did pretend to be my girlfriend.

Mm, not exactly sure you can call Priscilla a girlfriend

when you messaged for six hours and you've never met in person.

Oh, how embarrassing.

Someone doesn't know the term "situations hip."

Okay, will you two Muppets stop arguing?

We need to prepare for our interview with the mayor.

Fine. I'm over it anyway.

Although I still don't know why we're podcasting

if we're not allowed to talk about our suspects.

That's because we are contractually obligated

to make content for Wondify.

-This is so dumb. -No, no, no, um, I think interviews

are an evolution of our brand.

And having the mayor as our first guest is quite the get.

I've already reached out to Meghan Markle's team

about being guest number two.

Okay, that must be him... Oh!

Did you see the email from Wondify?

They want us to be more like the Drunken Sluts.

You know, so they want us to slut it up!

Ho-ho! Ho!

Jesus.

-Greetings. Ho-ho! -Hey!

Mayor Tillman in the house.

How are you, Charles?

Oh, my goodness.

-Hello. What a pleasure. -Hello, how are you?

-Thank you. Thank you. -A pleasure. Big fan.

Thank you. Oh, I can't believe I'm here, finally.

Wasn't sure how many overtures I was gonna have to make

before you would finally take the hint and let me on the pod.

Oh, no, no.

But fear not, fear not.

I have been working on my podcast voice for months.

Check it out.

I am Michael Barbaro.

Uh-huh?

Oh, no, that's it.

-Oh! -Oh.

-That was so good. -Oh, well, let's just get this started.

Alright.

Okay!

Oliver and Mabel, we got a really special edition

of Only Murders podcast today.

We're sitting with New York City Mayor Beau Tillman!

-Whoo! -Thank you.

Thank you very much, Charles. Uh, a huge fan.

-Ohh! -Yeah.

Uh, you know, a big part of my platform

is making the streets of this city safer,

so I am excited to chop it up today.

Well, uh, great. So the first and most obvious, uh, question is...

-Mm-hmm? -...what are you gonna do about

the crosswalk button on 86th and Broadway?

Oh, uh, is... is it broken?

No, but the button gets a little sticky,

and sometimes it... it's... it's difficult to tell

if you've pushed it or not.

You said you wanted to make the streets safer.

Oh, I meant from murder.

-Ha! Of course. -Yeah, so... yeah.

'Cause I... I heard your teaser trailer a while back, then crickets.

So, I have some theories.

Have we looked into the person

who is running against me this fall?

Right?

-You guys see? -Oh! It's a joke.

-Joking. -No. No, no, no, no.

We cannot podcast about that murder.

-What...? -Because, well, our prime suspects

bought our network and banned us from talking about them.

Oh, the Wondify sale. Yeah.

Wait.

Is Bash Steed one of your suspects?

Yeah, you know him?

Uh, love him. I... I... I would be shocked

if he was related to your case.

Actually, um, you know, Romy, I... I could really use a coffee

-from that bodega on 74th. -Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Bash Steed is your murderer.

We have to be quick.

Romy is Bash's niece.

He had me hire her so he could keep eyes on me all the time.

And yes, she also happens to be the best assistant I've ever had.

You should see how fast she gets coffee.

Like a Road Runner cartoon.

She's already in the courtyard.

Well, then, uh, start talking. What makes you think Bash is our suspect?

Well, I... I don't actually know that for sure.

Dammit, Mayor!

But if you are investigating him for something,

chances are, he did that something. Trust me.

This man will do whatever it takes to get ahead.

He has paid millions into my campaign.

So, why are you trying to out him?

When I was first running for office,

I was up against people with deep pockets.

I didn't stand a chance, until Bash opened up his checkbook.

But it turns out, if people give you money, you owe them later.

Been there. One time, I took a small loan

-from Robert Blake. He was... -Oliver!

Uh, s... Real quick.

He made me lie under oath. Continue, please.

Uh, okay. Well, uh, it started out small.

Uh, building permits, diplomatic license plates.

But then the asks kept getting bigger.

Now, I'm spending so much time doing his bidding,

I haven't made good on any of my campaign promises.

That's why I wanted to do your podcast,

so I could win over the public and stop simping

for some lunatic billionaire.

Why don't you do something about it? Talk to the chief of police.

Who do you think is the NYPD's biggest donor?

He's literally above the law.

I'll bet Bash hired those dirty cops

I saw over Nicky's body at the dry cleaners.

Don't doubt it. And meanwhile...

I'm powerless.

Nothing but a puppet.

My ass is sore from having his hand so far up there.

And not in a fun way.

Great, so if the mayor of New York has no power,

what the hell are we supposed to do?

Investigate.

I-If you find something, maybe we can take Bash down together.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing for my numbers.

City people hate billionaires right now.

We're trying, but we can't even find him.

Well, the other day, I overheard Romy on the phone.

Apparently, he's hosting some big, secret rich people meeting.

Let me guess. With Camila White and Jay Pflug?

Yep, at his country estate in the middle of nowhere,

no servants, no service, no witnesses.

I'm not saying that they're doing blood rituals,

but I have heard rumors that it's exactly that.

Yes.

Do you have an address?

Yes, the address, so we can never go there.

Oliver, maybe by surprising him,

we can find something to take him down.

Yes, and if we end up dead, the mayor can just get Bash on that.

Oh. Smart.

Oh, I mean, as a backup plan.

What backup plan?

Oh, Romy!

Hey. Yeah, we were, uh,

just talking about, um, birth control.

-Yeah. -Morning-after pill.

Yeah, I need it.

Feminism.

You know, the... The right to choose-a-roni.

We should go.

Ribbon cutting at the New York City Ballet.

God, snooze.

Sarah Jessica Parker's gonna be there.

-She's friends with my uncle. -And wide awake!

Let's go. Thank you.

Uh, sorry for the chicken scratch.

If I get reelected, first thing I'm gonna do is fix the public schools.

Do either of you see how insane this is?

We're about to face off with the most dangerous suspect

we've ever had... in the wilderness.

-Oliver, we're going to Connecticut. -Yeah, well, Putnams don't do foliage.

In fact, I... I should probably stay home and text my poor wife

who's on hour 18 of her United delay.

She's boarded and deboarded four separate times

and spent $900 at Hudson News.

Well, I for one, am going in scorched earth, guns blazing,

hell hath no fury like a Savage scorned.

Come on, Oliver, I know you wanna take those cowboy boots

out for a spin in the country.

-Didn't you get those from Wonder Woman? -Linda Lavin.

-Ah. -Do they come in a men's?

They're unisex!

And a piece of Broadway history.

She wore them in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

And in a private viewing, only the boots.

-Ew. -But that's beside the point.

This is crazy, and I'm not going.

We have to, for Lester.

And if it gets all Eyes Wide Shut, then we can leave.

Alright, I'll go.

For the boots.

And I'm sending my wife a cute little selfie of me in them,

so she can ID my body!

He's gotta relax. How scary can a country house be?

Bash's den of lies.

I wonder what room he was in when he first posed as Priscilla

with the conniving line, "I really like your profile.

If you could add one color to the rainbow, what would it be?"

-What'd you answer? -Brown.

Well, the landscape is very... lush.

Yeah, that's what happens when you fertilize with human remains.

Oh, great! We... We lost service a mile back.

Now, Loretta's gonna think that I'm in danger.

And newsflash, I am!

Oliver, calm down.

There's nothing to worry about. Just don't look to your three o'clock.

Do we think he's real, or are we gonna find out

he died 50 years ago in a fire?

I like your skin.

Ah.

That's the first compliment that ever made my bowels evacuate.

Hi.

Uh, i-is your dad home?

Or maybe he's your grandpa?

Or son.

If that's the plot twist of this horror movie.

He's inside with the others.

But Daddy says little boys who interrupt get sent to the cellar.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

And you know, good luck with your... shiv.

Okay, I... I've seen enough.

How 'bout we beat traffic, avoid getting hunted,

-and hung on a wall? -Shh.

Listen.

First, I'll remove the spleen.

Careful.

They're harvesting organs to sell on the black market.

Next, I'll take the kidney.

Dammit!

It's always the wishbone.

They're playing...

Operation?

♪ The leg bone's connected to the hip bone ♪

Well, just three adults playing a children's game.

Not at all creepy.

I'm good to go.

Hi!

Trespassers.

Naughty, naughty.

You said today would be private. What are they doing here?

Better question, what are you doing here?

Playing board games in the privacy of my own home.

Oh, please.

We know what happens when the three of you get together.

Even if it looks like a game of Operation,

we know you're always playing for something.

Might as well show them.

Okay, a trophy from Walgreens?

Well, there were only so many times we could destroy each other's businesses

before it got boring,

so we started having game nights.

Gives us an outlet for ruthless competition.

And gossip.

Warren Buffet shaves his bikini line.

-Oh! -Oh! What?

Okay, fine.

Well, if that's all you guys are doing,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if we stayed and watched a little, right?

No, no, no, I... I think... I think we've overstayed our welcome.

Nonsense.

Please stay.

I insist.

Yahtzee!

Well, that wraps up round seven.

Maybe they really are just playing board games?

No, no. No, no, no. I'm telling you, these people are killers.

They played Monopoly start to finish and no one flipped the board over.

Sociopathic.

Now, please excuse me.

I have business to attend to.

I'll follow him. Maybe I can get him to talk to me.

Okay, I'm on Pflug duty. Oliver, you're on Camila.

Whatever happened, the three of them

are clearly in on it together.

Oh, yes.

So, um, how does gaming here compare to gaming at The Arconia?

How's your apartment, Oliver?

My apartment? Well, um...

I was thinking of selling. Uh, got an insanely good offer.

Oh.

What, that's all you have to say to me about it?

Should there be more?

How about, um, mm-mm...

"Thank you"?

I transformed your sad, purple hovel

into a camel-toned fantasy land.

I said "camel-toned."

When I met you, you had zero tassels on your pillows.

And now, look at you, Tassel King of the Upper West Side,

all because of me.

The disrespect.

I should cut off your balls and shave them into a potpourri.

Sorry, I downed an entire bottle of Chablis on the 'copter over.

You have a question for me?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm, mm.

Okay.

You followed me all the way out here.

Do you have something to say?

I was sort of waiting till you put down the big blade.

This is a skin tree.

The bark helps with my Algernon's digestion.

Oh, look.

There's Algie in the pool.

How fun.

I was going to cover the pool up, but Algie loves to swim.

Now, when my other children were young,

I was too busy building my empire to be a good daddy.

So, with Algie, I promised to never miss a single bedtime,

and I never have.

Don't try to be sympathetic, Priscilla.

You catfished me.

You preyed on a buffed-up, albeit older, romantic looking for love,

but I guess that behavior is to be expected from a murderer.

I am not a murderer.

I hate death.

I lost my papa when I was very young.

That's what sparked my fascination with longevity.

You know, the micro-naps, cryo-chamber, stem-cell shakes.

Everyone thinks it's born out of vanity.

But the truth is, I want my Algie to keep his papa...

...possibly forever.

Father, is it time for my gesunde Leckerei?

My boy.

He loves his healthy treat.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, Charles.

I wish you nothing but happiness.

Looking for something?

Or are you joining us for a game of hide-and-seek?

Sorry, HR won't let me play games with my boss,

which you are, because you bought us and then shut us down.

Yeah, I... Well, yeah... I'm sorry about that.

I couldn't let you talk shit about me in a murder podcast.

Accusations like that...

I'm just trying to protect my family.

You keep making excuses, yet I have no evidence

that you're actually a good guy.

Well, if you responded to my texts, I would show you that I am one.

HR also won't let me date bosses.

Plus, there's that whole thing where you're a suspect.

Mm, fair.

But if I wasn't, could I take you out to dinner?

I'm not a Bond villain. I promise.

Although I do have a white cat and my dad's office

is located on the side of a mountain.

Look, I know my friends are eccentric.

But really, we're just a bunch of bored, rich people hashing out a bet.

The same one we were trying to settle the last time

we were in that gaming parlor.

Do you mean when Lester died?

Uh...

What do you know?

Fine. Don't tell me.

I'll find out myself.

Shit.

Alright, cut the shit.

Jay admitted this is about way more than a stupid trophy.

So, you don't wanna answer our questions, fine.

We'll do it your way.

We play you for answers.

-Wait, Mabel, are you serious? -You wanna play games with them?!

The last time they were doing that, two whole people died.

If we win...

we wanna know everything.

A ratcheting up of the stakes.

Leaning in, liking.

What happens if you lose?

We stop investigating you, forever.

Fine.

And when we win,

if you don't hold to your end of the bargain,

we'll kill you.

Kidding.

And that's a wrap on me.

Bye, everybody. Enjoy your twisted game night.

Oliver, you can't leave.

What about doing this for Lester? You're being selfish.

Yeah, enough with "Oliver is selfish" shtick.

And you're not doing this for Lester, you're just mad you got scammed online.

And besides, unlike you two, I have someone to lose.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

So, if you wanna risk your lives playing a game, go for it.

But I'm out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the game is Celebrity.

How many famous people can you guess in a minute?

One round, winner takes all.

Our team will draw a category first.

"Historical figures."

Do you think they know about history?

No way. They're too busy with world domination

to read biographies.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Start the timer... now!

He comes to my, um, uh, my Labor Day party every year

-and bakes a pineapple upside-down cake. -Vladimir Putin!

Um, um, Jay, he and your granddad did... did sleep away camp

-in the Schwarzwild. -Uh, Henry Kissinger!

Um, um... Oh, good God.

He will not shut up about Crumbl Cookies.

Kim Jong Un!

What are we gonna do?

Hope for an easier category.

This guy.

Bernie Sanders!

Camila, um, he and you, uh, call each other "Bunny Face,"

-and I don't know why. -Xi Jinping,

and the reason is just for us!

Time.

You got five.

-Oh. Mm. Hmm. -Yeah.

Bravo, Papa.

Algie, to the cellar.

Your turn.

Don't worry, we got this.

We're smart people. We know things.

Okay, our category is...

"Broadway."

♪ The coffee cup ♪

♪ I think about you ♪

♪ I love you so, it's like I'm losing my mind ♪

♪ Lions and tigers and bears, oh, shit! ♪

♪ Lions and tigers and bears ♪ Oh, shit!

How do we not have Oliver for this?

It's okay. You know Broadway, right?

Yes, I've seen one play once,

and it was the first 15 seconds of Death Rattle,

before Ben Glenroy dropped dead.

Just do your best, no pressure. Well, some pressure.

Our entire investigation depends on it.

Your time starts now.

Okay, um...

Pass.

Hold on.

No, pass.

-Say something, Mabel. -I'm trying! Pass.

-Pass. -Anything but "pass"!

Ugh! Where's Oliver when you need him?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I know this one.

The boots! She was naked in the boots.

Linda Lavin!

Okay, Oliver claims he was an assistant doula

-at her birth. -Uh, Lea Michele!

Oliver says he and this person

took an Ativan and slept through all of Hurricane Sandy.

Hugh Jackman!

Oliver claims he invented both the name "Adele Dazeem" and her real one.

The wickedly talented Idina Menzel!

Ugh, Oliver's biggest beef is with...?

The Jessica... Angela Lansbury!

Oliver says she stole his haircut.

Cynthia Nixon!

-Time. -Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You motherfuckers beat us.

We sure did.

Now, tell us what you were playing for.

Okay.

The night your doorman died, we played for a very big contract,

probably the biggest development project

to hit New York City since... Grand Central.

-The most important... -Oh, my God!

One of you is planning to build New York City's first casino.

I was ramping up.

But yes.

We all have our proposals.

Tonight's winner gets to see theirs come to life.

That's a terrible idea.

You think a casino would be good for the city?

I think about how much money it would make.

How much power the owner would wield.

And how it's a chance to make your name

synonymous with New York City history.

That's Rockefeller shit.

How noble.

And how do you three just get to decide that, anyway?

Deals have always been made in back rooms.

Games are just our way of making it fun.

That still doesn't explain why you edited the footage from that night.

Well, frankly, I don't like anyone knowing my comings and goings.

Yesterday, I treated Algernon to a Jamba Juice.

-Ooh. -Scrubbed that, too.

Mm. And we wouldn't want people

losing faith in the system, now, would we?

So, you didn't kill anyone?

This has nothing to do with our doorman?

This is about a casino and a stupid trophy?

Are you guys good?

We just really like the trophy. Put the trophy down.

Your prize is our fucking finger.

Come on, you overpriced brick.

Survived a hot bowl of barley soup, and now you crap out?

Thank Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, dear.

Oh, mother's balls!

You think he knows he's goin' to the vet?

Well, if he didn't, he does now.

Ooh, it's one of those "Silver Alerts."

Always so sad

-when an old person goes missing. -Aw.

Oh, thank God! Thank God.

You gotta save me!

I'm in danger.

You poor thing. Anyone we can call for you?

Well, I tried my wife, and... and no reception.

Plus, she's probably halfway to New Zealand to shoot her TV show.

She's a Hollywood actress.

Of course, she is.

-Uh, should we try the police station? -Uh...

No, no! No, no, no. The police are in on it.

Goes all the way to the top.

The mayor told me this morning when he came over to record my podcast.

-I bet he did. -Yeah.

End of the day is toughest.

-Gotta get the hell outta here. -We gotta call a car.

Oh!

So, you're a "good guy," huh?

Mabel, you're in more danger than you think with that finger.

You have no idea what they paid to get that.

Paid who?

Wait.

So then, this is your legacy?

Trapping a woman at one of your game nights to get it back?

-A woman and her friend. -Is no one going to stop them?

Really?

Okay, go. Now.

Now.

And Zach Galifianakis is playing me in the movie, so...

-Well, isn't that wonderful? -Yeah.

Alright, let's hop on in. We can drop off Blaze on the way.

Oh, God, I... Really, I cannot thank you two enough.

I mean...

...if I had to walk back to Manhattan in these boots,

Charles and Mabel would never let me live it down.

Are those your friends? Um, should we give them a call?

Well, actually they're... they're at Bash Steed's place,

uh, with no service, so...

-Bash Steed. -Yeah.

They can't be that good of friends then,

if they let you wander off all on your lonesome.

Well, actually, they're... they're great friends.

I mean, if it wasn't for them, who knows what would have happened to me?

I... I... I wouldn't have a podcast.

I wouldn't have met the love of my life.

And I certainly wouldn't have reconnected

with my best friend, Ron-Ron Howard.

-I call him Ron-Ron. -Wow.

Yeah.

-Uh, well, I... -Meanwhile, I'm the one

who left them alone with a group

of deeply unwell rich people, you know?

I mean, they... they can't even call an Uber.

They have no way out of there.

Oh, my God. What have I done?

-I need you to drive me back! -No can do, hon.

We're gonna take you somewhere safe. Get in.

No, no. I'm gonna save my friends from murderous billionaires!

And if you won't drive me...

-I'm taking the horse! -Oh.

Oh, oh! Come on, buddy.

I have a strong sense you're not the best on bareback.

I'll have you know that I am the first and last director

to ever stage Equus with a live...

Is everything out here demonic?

How am I gonna get back to my friends?!

Dammit! How are we gonna get out of here?

Mabel.

Shit.

You know, there's something I have to say, and I have to say it fast

before I get, uh, sent to the cellar with Algernon.

What?

Oliver was right. I threw myself into this case

because I was sad I got catfished, and I thought I had nothing to lose.

But I have a lot to lose.

My family.

-You. -Oliver.

Yeah, Oliver.

No! Oliver!

Get away from my friends, you sons of bitches!

You came back for us!

-I should never have left! -No, you were right.

These people are insane.

Mabel, get in!

And we got matches!

Oliver, those Linda Lavin boots saved us!

-Where are we going? -♪ To the Old Town Road ♪

We're riding all the way to Manhattan!

Ha, ha!

I'm not saying we're gonna get there quickly.

Can't believe this finger has to do with the first casino

in New York City.

I can't believe that dead finger is back in my apartment.

I can't believe Loretta called in a Silver Alert for me.

And it didn't even mention any of my credits.

Okay, that must be Williams.

I hope she can identify that thing before it learns to crawl.

Hmm.

Oh, oh.

Oh, uh, look who, uh...

You'll have to excuse me for arriving so late.

They say don't go to bed mad, so I thought I'd come

and settle our little tiff.

Hm, you mean the fact that you lied about the casino

having anything to do with our murder?

Like it or not, that finger decides the casino bid,

and New York is only giving out one permit.

I don't know if you've seen Jay and Bash's proposals,

but they're grotesque.

Jay wants to put his in the 92nd Street YMCA

because, and I quote, "A pool would be so sick."

And Bash's big idea is a spaceship

floating over Times Square and the M&M's store.

-A travesty. -Hmm. Yeah...

My casino will be different. Bespoke.

I am giving the people of New York what they don't know they need.

A gambling addiction?

I will make gambling so chic,

Gwyneth Paltrow will shit her capris.

That's really compelling, Camila,

-but we're not giving you the finger. -Mm-mm.

Oh, I worried you might say that, so...

Give me the finger!

You're bluffing, and we're not giving you the finger.

Willing to risk it?

Give her the finger. Give her the finger.

I can't wait to share with the world my quiet slots.

It's not... "ding!" It's... "ding."

I think I'll start renovations with...

Oliver's apartment.

What are you talking about?

That offer on your place was from me.

I'm the one buying up all the apartments here,

so I can finally build.

Exclusive first look.

The Camila Club?

Is that...

Our lobby?

Our courtyard?

You're turning The Arconia into a casino?

Well, have a good night.

Hopefully, they'll have murders in your next building, too.