Original subtitles

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( LIQUIDS BOILING )

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Come in and hold your nose.

Why should I hold my…

What is that?

A stewed narconium.

I'm fixing Mindy an authentic Orkan dinner.

Narconium? That sounds like some sort of chemical.

Oh, it is. You see, you Earthlings load up your food

with chemicals, we Orkans have totally eliminated the food.

Well, uh, why would you eat something that smells like that?

It's full of tudium, the gravity vitamin.

Without it, we'd fall right off this planet.

Uh, well, can you let it simmer for a while so we can talk?

All right. I'll have to come back every 10 minutes and stir

or else the molecules will stick together and it'll clot.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, what's on your cerebellum?

Uh, you and Mindy.

I've been away for a while and I was wondering

if you and she were still getting along real well.

Oh, we're as happy as a couple of bivalve mollusks.

Hmm? Oh, "clams" to you.

Y-you see, I never really understood your relationship.

After all, you're such different people.

Oh, no, I'm the one that's different.

I mean, Mindy's always been the same.

Uh, uh, I mean you come from such different backgrounds.

Oh. Oh, I see.

"Can a spunky humanoid from Earth find happiness

"with a boy from the wrong side of the galaxy?

Let's see. Follow me. Come on."

( CHUCKLING ): Well, yeah, something like that.

Well, how are you and your new mate?

Oh, fine, fine.

Well, uh, it's always tough at first.

I mean, even you and Mindy had problems.

Oh, I scoff at that assertion.

Name one.

How about the time you took her to visit

your friend Exidor's lovely mountain retreat?

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

I thought you were supposed to be such a trailblazer.

Well, I made it from Ork to Earth,

but there were no trees.

I wonder when we lost the trail.

I suspect it was right before we fell off the cliff.

Well, I owe you an apology. Next time you could land on me.

How's your ankle?

Oww!

It's still sprained,

but at least now the toes are finally facing forward.

Well, tomorrow morning I'll go looking for our luggage.

I hope it didn't sink.

Are you sure you heard a splash?

I don't know if it was that or the avalanche.

I hope that beaver isn't hurt.

Well, what was a beaver doing out

strolling in the middle of the night anyway?

Why wasn't he in his darn dam

guarding his sticks and his twigs?

Do you know how yucky it is to step on a beaver's tail?

I didn't know those little suckers could scream.

( SCREECHING )

Well, he won't be sending any more little beaver messages

with that tail for a while.

You're not gonna have a nice weekend

if you keep up those thoughts.

Mork, I stepped on a beaver,

I fell off a cliff and you landed on me,

I sprained my ankle,

and my luggage is shooting the rapids

on the way to Lake Mead,

and your scenic, little 3-mile hike

was up the face of a cliff. I knew we were in big trouble

when that mountain goat tumbled by.

Boy, I didn't know they could scream, either.

I'm cold and I can't walk anymore,

and I'm freezing to death.

But you're right. You are right. Why should I be negative?

What else could possibly happen?

Well, I could have lost the key. Ar, ar, ar, ar!

Just open the door.

You lost the key?

No, he never gave me one.

What?

Mork, we'll freeze to death if we stay out here.

Kick the door in.

But it's… Kick the door in.

But on Ork… Kick the door in.

But… Kick!

( KICKS LIGHTLY )

Mork.

It wasn't locked.

Oh, dopey, me.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

Well, okay. I admit that's one.

Be honest, now. You two haven't had any other problems?

Well, one eensy-beensy one.

Mr. Bickley told me that fighting was a great way

to keep a relationship exciting.

So to keep Mindy happy,

I had this real vicious fight with her.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

( WHISTLING )

Aah! Mork!

You scared me to death!

Well, I'm glad you're home. Dinner's almost ready.

Why don't you sit down and I'll set it up?

There's a little extra spaghetti sauce on the table

if you want some more.

And I'll just get the garlic rolls,

and we'll be all set.

You expect me to eat this slop?

What is going on?

You talk about more of the same. Déjà slop!

Mork! What are you doing?

I'm putting your buns in orbit, that's what I'm doing!

What is wrong with you?!

Mindy, I'm tired of eating food

that even the airlines would turn down!

I've seen cockroaches go, "No way!"

I thought you liked my cooking.

You had a thought? Ar, ar, ar, ar!

I didn't think there was anything

under that Barbie doll hairdo of yours.

Whoa, look. Echo! Echo! Echo!

Mork.

Why don't you just shave it off

- and get yourself a Mohawk? - ( GASPS )

That way it'll draw attention away from your nose.

My nose, what's wrong with my nose?

Are you kidding, it's Shiksa City.

And your feet. Whoa!

Where do you get your shoes, Barnum and Bailey?

( IMITATES MONKEY GIBBERING )

And what's that wonderful fragrance?

Oh, no! Old Spice!

♪ Ship ahoy, ship ahoy ♪

Oh, maybe it's Indian leather.

( INDIAN ACCENT ): We like to make a fragrance

from the cow, dead for four days, lying in the sun.

- ( SOBS ): Mork. - ( NORMAL VOICE ): Mindy,

don't whimper. It makes you look like a Pekingese with asthma.

( PANTING )

And it makes your eyes look even closer together.

( SCREECHING )

Okay, it's your turn.

( CRYING ): Oh, Mork!

I just can't believe…

Boy, this is gonna be great.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mindy, Mindy, Mind, Min, Min.

That was the best fight I've ever seen.

Was it good for you too?

Come on, now, it's time to kiss and make up.

Kiss and make up?

I wouldn't kiss you if you were the only alien on Earth!

I think I am.

There's your proof! Oh.

So you don't like my cooking, huh? We…

Well, if you don't like it, why don't you get off your face

and cook something for yourself!

You don't know this. It's not that easy to be living

with a monster from outer space.

I mean, most guys just leave the cap off the toothpaste, right?

You eat it!

Okay, fight's over. Kinzex.

Fight's over, my foot.

So you don't like my hairstyle, huh?

Well, Mr. Taste, where'd you get these rags?

Ow!

A fire sale at Disney World?

She didn't mean it. She didn't mean it.

Oh, and by the way, since we're into honesty,

I'd like to inform you that your normal voice

sounds like Truman Capote on helium.

( IMITATING MORK'S VOICE ): Hello, I'm Mork from Ork.

Nanu, nanu. But you can just call me Space Turkey.

Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar!

Ow! Ow! See, I'm… I'm cutting myself.

- Look, there's blood. - There will be.

Blood, blood. Bleed. Bleed.

Mork, that's such a shame.

We'll have to have that taken care of.

I'll call the veterinarian.

Mindy, I think I've made a mistake.

You made the mistake? Yeah.

I made the mistake.

I should have listened to my father.

I never should have let you move in here in the first place.

If he told me once, he told me a million times.

"Mindy, stick to your own species."

Well, Mind, I guess I'll just go up to bed…

Go up to bed, my foot.

There is an egg leaving in 10 minutes. Be in it.

Mindy?

My lips aren't that long.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

I mean, I don't want you to think

the whole year was that bad. I did try and help Mindy too.

I'm sure you did.

But you gotta admit, for a moment,

you were proud of me, weren't you, Pops?

Mork, believe it or not, I am proud of you.

I know how happy you've made Mindy.

( SIGHS ): Aw.

Gee, thanks, Pops.

Boy, I guess I should have knocked first.

( CHUCKLES )

Oh, Min, Pops and I were just talking over old times.

Yes, I've missed a lot in this last year.

Well, you also gained a lot too.

And speaking of that, where's your new bride?

Oh, uh, uh, she… She's back at the house.

Well, why don't you call her up and invite her over for dinner?

Oh, Min. Min, we only have enough for two,

unless you brought along some Narconium Helper.

Or we could go out?

Uh, I-I-I don't think I can call her.

Oh, don't worry. I remember the number.

Things aren't working out too well with Cathy and me.

What happened?

- Did you two have a fight? - Oh, no, no, no.

It's just that…

I'm afraid we're not right for each other.

( WISTFUL THEME PLAYING )

( SIGHS )

This marriage may have been a mistake.

( SIGHS )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

But, Dad, you've only been married a few months.

I know, but it's just not working out.

Well, what happened? She found out you were bald?

Uh, no, I told her that before we were married.

Well, what happened? You two seemed so happy.

I thought I was happy, but I wasn't.

Oh. I know what that's like.

I thought I was once a polar bear, but I wasn't.

Maybe I'm a butterfly. I don't know.

Before we were married, we had so much in common.

Like being single.

Like love of music and hating carrots.

It's the real reason I came over here.

You two are really different

but your relationship works fine.

Maybe I'm out of line here, Dad,

but I've watched you two for the last couple of weeks,

and I've never seen two happier people.

Yeah, like Cinderella and Prince Charming,

Romeo and Juliet, Sodom and Gomorrah.

( SCOFFS ): I really wish that were true.

But, it's just I'm finding out all these things about her.

Well, like what? So far, you haven't been too specific.

Uh, well, um, she's, um, um,

completely unpredictable.

I mean, I-I never know what she's gonna say or do

from one moment to the next.

Well, a person can learn to live with that, you know.

To whom are you referring?

To you.

Remember when your emotions came out for the first time?

Yeah. Well, they've been bottled up for billions of bleens,

of course they'll act like a starving fish at a worm roast.

Yes, and I'll never forget

when you came into the music store

the morning after.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

( AS STEVE MARTIN ): Well, excu-u-se me!

( NORMAL VOICE ): Why don't you ever sell any of this stuff?!

My!

What's wrong?

Oh, Mindy, that wasn't me. That was anger.

Oh, well, what happened to your other emotions?

Well, I think they're sleeping it off in my mind.

Oh, it's been a hard day's night, I can't tell you.

I'd lock 'em all up behind there except anger's standing guard.

( COUNTRY VOICE ): Yeah, and I'm a big boy too.

- And don't mess with me! - Aww, get off!

( NORMAL VOICE ): It's okay now. See?

Where have you been?

Don't ask. I've done things that would embarrass Idi Amin.

Like what?

Well, we started off by going to the waterfront.

Wait a minute, there's no waterfront in Colorado.

Who says we stayed in Colorado?

Here are some shells.

We started off by going to this really cheap dive

called the Ballpark.

Fear didn't want to go in, but Disgust called him a sissy.

And Excitement was so titillated by that, he went to the bar

and ordered 10 beers, one for each finger.

Guilt felt so bad about that, he yanked us into the alley.

Whimsy said it must be named Mohammad.

( LAUGHS )

Shut up! Let me finish the story!

Okay.

Suddenly, we were surrounded by a vicious motorcycle gang.

There were 12 of us against 42 of them.

Anger still spitting leather.

Mork, whatever happened to the positive emotions,

like love? Oh, yes.

I don't know what I said to that girl on the street corner.

All I remember is that she sold her car

and gave all the money to me.

Well, at least you seem all right now.

Yeah, but that's just for the moment.

Who knows when they'll come out again?

At anytime… Yeah! Shh. See? Oh.

I can't go to your birthday party, Mindy.

It'll ruin the birthday for you.

Oh, Mork, the only thing that would ruin my birthday

is if you're not there.

Yeah, you're right. I'm a heck of a guy.

What's that?

Oh, Grandma made me this for my birthday.

Isn't it nice?

Yeah, I knitted it myself.

It took me five weeks.

Five weeks? Ha!

What did you use for knitting needles, crowbars?

Oh, I think my emotions are waking up again.

I noticed. Unfortunately,

they're coming out at the wrong times, aren't they?

Yeah, I think they're trying to get out and teach me a lesson

and show me who's boss. Ha-ha! Ah-ha!

Not now! It's okay. See?

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

Now, Dad, has Cathy ever insulted your relatives

or destroyed your place of business?

No.

You know, not only have I gotten used to Mork's craziness,

I sometimes even look forward to the next disaster.

Oh, thanks, Mind.

( CHUCKLES )

Dad, what was it about Cathy

that you really liked when you first met her?

Well, she was so different

from anyone I'd ever met,

so fresh, and so full of surprises.

So unpredictable.

Yeah, I guess so.

That's one down.

What's bothering you about her now?

Well, this may sound picky,

but she has some really weird friends.

I mean, she has this girlfriend

who bakes these terrible oatmeal raisin cookies,

and she must bring a dozen of them to the house every week.

This man is cooking narconium in my living room

and you think that's strange?

Try comparing oatmeal raisin cookies to Exidor.

Oh, come on, Mind, there's no comparison.

Exidor's only half-baked.

How did you meet him, anyway?

Well, it was when I ran away from home.

I was… I was lonely. I needed someone to talk to.

A good, solid, down-to-earth person.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

This is my philosophy for friends of Venus.

I want you to study it and memorize it

so that you can go out with me and convert the nonbeliever.

I'll study hard and let you know when I'm ready.

Oop! I'm ready.

Oh, no. On your feet.

Uh, let's pretend that, uh, I am a nonbeliever,

and you try and convert me.

Hey, you, nonbeliever.

Good start.

But we need more power in your voice

and more conviction.

Oh, I see.

( AS PREACHER ): Friend…

I have need of your attention.

Friend, do you realize

that Venusians are coming down to Earth?

But they're not coming here on Veterans Day,

not on April Fools' Day,

but on Labor Day.

Baby, ba-a-be.

Can you hear me, friend?

I hear ya. Are you ready?

Now, can I get a nanu, nanu?

Nanu, nanu! Thank you, friend.

Do you realize, friend, what they're coming here to do?

Because they've come down here to blow the Earth

to smithereens!

But it's not that bad, friend,

because they're sending a ship down here

to save 1000 of us.

And they're making a list and they're checking it twice.

Now, friend,

now, you can either stay down here

in your disco, drug-infested inferno

or come up to Venus

and have your very own Venusian condo-minimum

with hot and cold running champagne

and underwater dancing.

You must apply now!

( YELPS )

Mork!

Mork!

That was beautiful!

Why can't you be more like him?

But there's something missing.

What we need is more of your experiences

with the Venusians here on Earth.

I didn't meet them on Earth. I met them on Venus.

You've been there?

Oh, yes. I've been to all the planets in your solar system.

Mars? Mercury? Pluto?

Oh, don't ever go to Pluto. It's a Mickey Mouse planet.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

I guess I can get used to Cathy's friends,

especially when I see what you've had to put up with.

( LAUGHING ): Really.

To tell you the truth, Dad,

the problems that you're talking about seem pretty small.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I can understand little things

getting on your nerves,

but imagine what life would be like without Cathy.

There was a time when Mindy and I

thought we'd never see each other again.

We were captured by Necrotons, put in this big cage

where we were waiting to have our brains sucked out.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

( IMITATES HARMONICA PLAYING "NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I SEE")

Come on, Min, cheer up.

Hey, I'll give you a little ride.

♪ She was only a girl In a gilded cage ♪

Mork. Sorry, Mind.

Stop trying to cheer me up.

Yeah, I know.

It's kind of hard to frolic in the face of doom.

You know, I've been thinking about all the things

that have happened to me since I've met you.

But one thing for sure,

I never thought I'd end up sitting in a birdcage

waiting for my brains to be sucked out by Necrotons.

Well, look on the bright side. You still have your health.

Mork, you know, you… You didn't have to come back

and risk your life to save me, but you did.

Thanks.

Yeah, but I kind of botched up.

'Cause if I'd done the right thing,

you'd be safe in your own home

when they destroyed the Earth.

I guess we've had a full life.

I only wish I'd gotten to meet Anson Williams.

Mork, there's something

that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time,

but I just couldn't. Oh,

what is it, Mind?

Well, one time when you weren't home,

I… I put on your spacesuit.

The helmet too?

Boots and all.

Are you mad?

No.

I have a confession to make to you too.

Well, one time when you weren't home,

I… I held your blow dryer

and jumped up and down on your bed.

Are you mad?

No.

I guess we've done it all.

( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

What Mindy and I've discovered, it's the love between people,

not their differences, that count.

Well, I definitely love her. That's not the problem.

It's just all the little things that are bothering me

now that we're living together.

Well, you lived with me for quite a while,

and I had a few minor idiosyncrasies.

Like the time I used your entire stamp collection

on my Valentine's Day cards.

The point is,

when you love somebody, you get used to things like that.

Dad, listen to yourself.

Yeah, you're just like the guys on Feeva Scalactra.

I mean, the day after the wedding,

they get real nervous and jittery

and they won't stay with their wives.

Well, that sounds just like me. Why do they feel that way?

Probably 'cause the third day after the wedding is known as.

"Kill Your Husband Day."

I guess that saves on anniversary gifts.

Maybe you guys are right.

I've been blowing things out of proportion.

Yeah, you're making a supernova out of a meteor shower.

Dad, didn't these kinds of things

ever happen with Mom too?

Yes.

I guess I'm a little out of practice at marriage.

Just talking to you makes me feel better.

Well, good.

Now, I think you should go find Cathy right now.

Well, I feel I should apologize to her

for the things I've been thinking.

Apologies, that's no problem. Mindy taught me all about those.

All right, here,

you be Cathy, and I'll be you.

( IMITATES DOOR CREAKING )

Cathy, darling, I…

I feel there's something I have to tell you.

Darling, I… I feel like I've been such an idiot.

I-I mean, I've been the biggest, lamest…

Well, chowder head there is because…

Uh, Mork, I think I can handle the apology myself. Thanks.

I'm just trying to make you happy, Pops.

I'm trying to help.

You did.

And I want to thank you both.

( KISSES ): Mm.

( STIRRING THEME PLAYING )

Cathy and I are just gonna be fine.

Oh, good.

And in a few years,

I hope we'll have the kind of memories you two have.

Oh, you will.

Without the Necrotons.

( LAUGHS ): Bye, Dad.

Maybe I should give him some narconium

to take home to Cathy.

Ah, here we go.

( HUMMING IN ORKAN )

( MINDY GASPS )

( CHUCKLES ): Oh.

I should have made the French fried chicken lips.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

MORK: Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

ORSON: I'm here, Mork, waiting for your report.

Well, sir, this week I learned about solving problems.

You were playing detective?

Wrong, your gravity! Got you there!

We're talking about affection, not detection.

You see, it seems that Earthlings have the need

to talk about their problems with people that they love.

Why do they choose to burden their friends?

Well, in the words of honorable Charlie Chan,

( AS CHARLIE CHAN ): "A man who, ah, bottle up problems

liable to pop cork."

Mork. Sir.

Is this typical human behavior,

feeling free to discuss

their personal hang-ups with each other?

All I know, sir,

is if Romeo and Juliet had talked more,

their story might have had a happier ending.

But then, who would've ever heard of them?

Well. Sorry.

What about that old Earth saying

that talk is cheap?

Well, sir, I don't know if that's true,

but when it comes to helping others, talk is priceless.

Until next week, sir,

Nanus is good news. Nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )