Original subtitles

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( BANGING ON DOOR )

Mork, where have you been?

I went to the supermarket like you told me.

Yeah, but that was over an hour ago.

All you were supposed to get was a carton of milk.

I know, but boy, are you in for a surprise.

I don't have time for surprises right now.

Oh, you mean, you don't have time for the new candy?

Three Mile Mints, the nuclear chocolate?

They melt down, but not in your mouth.

Here we go, a little eyewash.

- Eyewash? - Yeah, that's the easy part.

The hard part's hanging them out to dry.

Some disposable diapers.

Mork, I don't have a baby.

Oh, that's why they're disposable.

Here I have a little birdseed so now we can grow a canary.

Oh, here we have Bi-Gel:

The new anti-acid that goes both ways.

Oh, no, a squash. Let's see.

Oh, faulty advertising. Mr. Nader will hear about that.

Now, for the gourmet with no teeth: Liquid Steak.

A good meal is just a suck away.

Mork.

Here we have a virgin wool sweater.

Ha! How do they know it's a virgin? Mm-hm.

And now, I bought something called Sugarcoated Jimmys.

Just add milk, and the economy inflates.

And we have this brand-new insecticide.

It says here, "Guaranteed to kill bugs."

Oops. There's one now. A-ha!

Mork.

All I wanted was a carton of milk.

I've gotta whip these potatoes.

Whipped potatoes. All we need is rack of lamb,

we'll have a real kinky meal.

You wanted milk?

Yes.

I have brought you the history of milk.

We have your white plain milk. We have your chocolate milk.

Yeah, my main lactose, what's happenin'?

Here's milk. We have the old milk.

- We have some sour milk. - Ooh, Icky-ick.

And then the history in the ghost of milk past.

You bought every kind there is.

Yes. Well, I thought to fit in society,

you have to be a consumer, so I jumped in with both feet.

You'll have to learn to keep your feet out of your wallet.

How? Even when I was leaving the store,

they were still saying, "Bye."

Mork, you're gonna have to develop better judgment.

I mean, the average Earthling doesn't become a buy-aholic.

Mindy, I've never been exposed to advertising before.

I thought you picked up our TV signals up on Ork.

Well, we do, but we're not stupid.

We divert the commercials to other planets.

That's why all UFOs come here. They're coming here to shop.

See? You're fairly new at it. You don't know how to handle it.

You better learn how to handle it

before you spend us out of house and home.

But I thought advertising was good for you.

Without it, how can you know what you cannot live without?

Mork, I think you ought to lay off advertising for a while.

I mean, not just the TV, but the radio, newspapers

and these magazines.

I swear, I only buy them for the naked ladies.

Yeah? Then how come there's crumbs all over these ads?

She was well-bred.

No, I'm serious. I'm worried about you.

You're starting to lose control of yourself.

Me, lose control? Ar-ar-ar-ar!

You know… ( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Oh, it's my other groceries.

Thank you.

Oh, here's a little something for you,

and don't squeeze it all in one place.

That's it. No more ads for you.

Well, that's all right. I still have Mr. Video.

Ah, and no more TV, either.

Oh.

Uh…

Thank you.

Oh, heavy sigh.

Here I am in a media society, forced to sit on my ads.

( DOORBELL DINGS )

Oh, that must be Remo. Will you get that for me?

Hope it's a traveling salesman.

Hey, Morko!

Hey, Remo!

Hey, Morko!

Hey, Remo-o!

Hey, Morko!

Hey, Remo! Hey!

Don't do that.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry about my sister Jeanie,

but, uh, she couldn't pass up the chance

to see her first operation.

Yeah. Do you think she'll drop by later?

No. Could you eat after somebody handed you an adenoid?

Ha! Get it? An adenoid. Ar-ar-ar.

Speaking of eating, I brought you something for dinner.

Oh, thanks. It's just what we need.

A nice bottle of ketchup.

Yes, and it goes well with either meat or fish.

MINDY: Here.

Oh, Red Nun.

Mm. It's full-bodied and a good week.

I'll put it on ice.

Well, we can eat as soon as my frozen peas

and pearl onions are done.

Oh, I love those exotic vegetables.

Yeah. Why don't you make yourself at home?

You really do? Yeah.

That's wonderful, because 50 years ago,

Clarence Birds Eye had a dream and froze it.

He was the first man to make a million dollars from frigidity.

What's he talking about?

Um, Mork's really into commercials.

Well, it's only because I want the best for those I care about.

Here's to good friends.

Watch it, Mork. You're beginning to think in 30-second blurbs.

Please, Mindy, Let me watch just a little bit of TV, please.

Just a touch of video in the night. Come on.

Please, please, with sugar substitute on top.

Please, Mindy, please. Please.

No, Mork.

Um, he has no sales resistance.

That's the trouble with the world today.

People don't know what they want.

But not this fella. Not Remo DaVinci.

I never buy anything I don't need.

- You ought to learn that. - Oh, yeah?

What about that strange aftershave you wear?

What's so strange about English Vinyl?

Nothing, if you don't mind smelling like a chair.

It's a man's scent, Mindy. Mm.

Maybe there's a reason men wanna smell like a chair.

The reason is the overstuffed girl in the commercial.

- That's right. I like her too. - ( GIGGLES )

What's the matter with him?

Mork, are you all right?

Oh, sure, I'm all right. Heh-heh.

She thinks I'm hooked on ads and commercials.

Me, hooked on TV. Ar-ar. Chortle, chortle.

I mean, I can go weeks without seeing them.

Days, eons, epics, light years.

Why do I have to start now? Please! Please! Please!

Please, let me just watch a little bit of TV, please.

Just a touch of video. I miss the little mountain lion going:

( GROWLS )

And the little dough boy going:

( HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLES )

And the Ty-D-Bol man going, "Dive! Dive!"

Please, Mindy! I'm going, "Chow, chow, chow!

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): Chow, chow, chow! Chow, chow, chow!"

Argh!

♪ Plop plop, fizz fizz, Oh, what a relief it is ♪

Please, Mindy! Can't you see it?

Now the Lookieloo's looking for Mr. Goodwrench.

Frank Gifford looking for Jimmy Hoffa

in a dry sack on the rocks.

Did you see it? Mindy, look! Ha ha!

ANNOUNCER ( ON TV ): Excite your taste buds with the super soft drink.

It's cool and refreshing…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYING ON TV )

( SPITS ): I hate the taste of kapok.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Who is it?

MORK: The invisible man.

I can't see you.

Aren't you going to ask me in?

Oh, I-I thought you were joking.

Please come… Ar.

You! What are you doing here? It's after midnight.

Well, good, old, lovable Mr. Bickley,

I was passing by, and I smelled your television on.

I thought I'd come in and watch a little bit with you,

maybe just a few minutes.

Why don't you watch upstairs?

Well, your ceiling's in the way.

I mean, why don't you watch your own set?

Mindy won't let me because I'm… It's no real problem, but now,

I'm going through cold video. Can I just stay for a while?

Not now. Come on, man.

Oh, come on, man. Don't you…?

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

- Who is it? - MORK: Bourbon Delight.

Come in.

I thought I threw you out.

Oh, well, I can go back upstairs

and practice tap dancing in my roller skates if you like.

All right, come in, but be quiet.

Thank you.

What are you watching?

Invasion of the Body Grabbers.

The original and scarier version.

What's it about?

About alien beings who come down to Earth.

Oh, a documentary.

Look! My lord, they've got him!

What are they gonna do with him?

They come here to take over our minds and bodies

and control us.

Why? Shh!

That's not a shh, shh. That's a drunken snake.

ANNOUNCER: We'll return… Oh, now look what you did.

You kept blabbing all through the movie.

Now the commercial is on.

Quiet! Quiet!

It's just a commercial.

Look, hers is definitely whiter.

Take the shirt! Take the shirt!

You're a bozo.

Oh, let me change the channel and find another commercial.

Whoa, son of a gun, if she suddenly isn't shapelier.

Look at that.

Give me that.

Oh, now, darn, the movie started already.

Oh, bummer. Now I won't know

whose mind is being controlled and whose isn't.

Let me look for some more commercials then.

WOMAN: If your pet refuses… No wonder he's finicky.

He's been dead for over a year.

That does it.

The only place to watch this show is in bed.

Oh. Okey-dokey.

I'll go fluff up our pillows.

( UPBEAT COMIC THEME PLAYING )

BICKLEY: Go on, get out of here and go to bed!

Hm, it's getting late.

I wonder if Mindy's asleep.

Oh, look at that. Mindy's bear.

Hi, Teddy.

Time for you to be in bed.

Whoa, ozone.

She's asleep. I'm a free man again.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Time for a little advertising. Here we go.

( CHUCKLES )

Whoa, Zen advertising.

Oh, what good are these magazines?

There's nothing in 'em but articles.

Oh, wait. Ha-ha.

A little mondo-video then.

Real low so the slasher can't hear.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING ON TV )

( YAWNS )

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back in a moment with the exciting conclusion

of the Invasion of the Body Grabbers,

but first, this word.

Friends, can I have your attention?

Your attention, please.

That includes you, fella,

sleeping on the couch.

Who, me?

Yes, you. How'd you like to have

everything you've ever dreamed of?

Sure. That sounds pretty wonderful.

Then come join me in the Promised Land.

Will I need shots?

Come, Mork. We've been waiting for you.

( MYSTERIOUS FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

Come, Mork.

I think you're going to like it here, Mork.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTERIOUS FANTASY THEME PLAYING )

( CHATTER )

Welcome, Mork.

I'm Mr. Persuasion, your TV guide.

Where am I?

This is the Promised Land,

where everyone has everything they need

to be happy and content.

Friends, we have a guest.

ALL: Hi!

They look a lot like Ray Walston.

Now, why don't you just mingle and hear

the interesting words they have to say?

I'll be back after their short messages.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

Hello. I'm Mrs. L.W. from Bangor, Maine.

Nanu, nanu.

Look at my hands. Oh, nice.

Now look at her hands.

Mm. Nice.

Now, which one of us would you say is the mother

and which one is the daughter?

I'd say she looks like a mother.

Wrong. I'm the mother.

My hands used to be rough and red.

Then I discovered Sparkle Dish.

Whoa.

I just love the way my hands feel now.

Me too.

I think I'll keep her.

Get some today.

I thought you were with him.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING ) Wait.

Can I talk to you about irregularity?

Sure. We'll talk over a prune Danish,

but right now, I've gotta run.

Hi, mister. Hello, little fella.

Fun, aren't they? Yes.

But they grow up so quickly.

And I'm going to see that he grows up right.

I care about my child,

and that's why I give him Princess Gooballs.

Here, have one. Thank you.

The ingredients in each gooball are pure

and provide much-needed energy

and even may build a bone or two.

Mm-mm.

( MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY )

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

Hiya, pal. Put her there.

I can't. I'm covered in gooball.

Well, you could if you used one of these.

Wonder Wipes.

One wipe removes grease, grime, dirt,

and that gooey, sticky stuff.

You know, I use 100 of these every night

instead of taking a shower.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

Would you believe I'm waxing my floor at this very moment?

No, I wouldn't really.

Well, step this way.

Now I would.

New Wax N Slide floor polish.

No need to buff when people's pants bottoms will do the job.

You people all look so happy here.

Oh, well, the joy of living here is that for every problem,

there's a solution, or a gel.

( ELECTRONIC HUMMING )

What's your problem? Flaking, itching, peeling?

No. Split ends.

Oh, you sell girdles.

Mork, it's me, Mindy.

Run while you've got the chance. Your life is in danger here.

Oh, no, it's not. These people are wonderful.

They look like they're on severe medication, but… No.

It's not what it seems. Quick, come over here. Shh.

I'm not one of them. See? This is fake.

Whoa. Falsies.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

All right, folks, break is over.

Our programming will now continue

with our American dream slogan number 47.

ALL: Buy a lot, spend a lot.

- Mindy, what's going on here? - Shh.

One more time.

ALL: Buy a lot, spend a lot.

Very good.

Mindy, let's make a run for it. Let's go.

Now, shall we turn to page…

ALL: Nonbeliever!

Nonbeliever!

( DISTORTED ): Nonbeliever!

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( DISTORTED ): Nonbeliever!

( DISTORTED ): Mindy!

Run, Mindy!

Min, run!

( MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY ) Mork!

Mork, what's wrong? Mork.

Mindy, oh!

Oh, hold me. Oh.

Oh, it was really awful.

I was being chased by people with TV antennas in their head.

And they were after me and they were after you.

They were all controlled by a man named Mr. Persuasion.

It was real awful. It was terrible.

Mork, I told you not to watch TV.

Now, I'm turning this off, and you're going to bed.

Now, there. There's nothing that can hurt you anymore.

Now, why don't you go upstairs and go to bed?

Kayo.

Okay, good night. Yeah.

Video. Nyah-nyah.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

We've been looking for you, Mr. Mork.

Whoa. No, no. Oh, no.

Mindy! Mindy. No.

This isn't real. It's just a dream, isn't it?

Nothing artificial added.

Oh, no.

No, no. Get away from me. No, please.

Come on, join us. Join us in a world

free of fear, anxiety, and midriff bulge.

- No. No way. Please don't say… - ( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

No!

- ALL: Join us. Join us. - No, no, no.

ALL: Join us. Join us. Join us.

- ALL: Join us. Join us. - No, no. I'm not joining!

I'm not! Help! Help!

I'll help you, Mr. Mork,

but I can't do anything until you're one of us.

Oh. I don't want to. I want my free will.

You know nothing is free

unless you buy the giant size first.

Perhaps you'll reconsider

after a little friendly persuasion.

Wouldn't you like to be looked up to by everyone you meet?

I was once on the planet of the dwarfs.

A person of discriminating tastes like you

deserves the very best, wouldn't you agree?

Well…

Yeah, I think so. I-I'm a neat kind of…

No, wait a minute. Mayday, mayday.

Weather alert. Heavy snow job.

Pull me free. Oh!

No way. No sale here, clone prince. Ha-ha.

Perhaps you'll be more responsive

- to approach number two. - ( SNAPS FINGERS )

What?

Oh. You'll never go to the prom with breath like zoo dirt.

And that hair, it's so dull and lifeless.

I thought it was short and sassy.

Join the in crowd, and you'll smell fresher,

even after a busy day.

Well, you're right. I am kind of an active guy.

Come on.

With our help, you can be really fun to be near.

Yeah, I think that would be kind of…

Wait a minute. No way. Think public television.

PBS, PBS. There's no place like Cavett.

There's no place like Cavett.

Ah. Once again, I'm free again. Mm-mm. Ha-ha-ha.

Impressive display of control, Mr. Mork,

but this one never fails.

( SNAPS FINGERS )

( BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING )

Hey, there, big spender.

If you use the right shampoo,

I'll do this. ( SIGHS )

If you use the right aftershave,

I'll do this.

( GIGGLES ): Maintain. Maintain.

And if you use the right toothpaste,

I'll do this.

What happens if I buy everything in the store?

Do you believe in heaven?

Maybe.

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

Whoa… Maintain. Maintain.

Maintain. Maintain.

Whoa! Oh!

Disregard previous maintain. Time to boogie.

Let's go. All right. Oh, come on now.

( CHUCKLING ): Oh!

Glad to have you with us, Mr. Mork.

MISTER PERSUASION: Glad to have you with us.

Welcome aboard.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

Ring around the collar. Ring around the collar.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPS ) Hello. Jean-Claude Killy

for Billy Dean pure pork sausage.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPS )

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): Hey, green lummox, what's new besides "ho, ho, ho"?

Pfft! Ha-ha-ha!

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING )

Hi. Do you want to speak this fast? Yes, I'm a graduate

of the Rosalind Rude speech-speaking course.

Talk this fast. Don't be afraid now. Don't be afraid.

Congratulations. You're doing fine, Mr. Mork.

You're about to become a full-fledged consumer.

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING ) Oh.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( ELECTRONIC BEEPING ) Buy more.

More. More.

More. More. More.

More. More. More.

Mindy! Mindy!

Mork.

Mindy!

Mork, what's wrong?

Oh, Min… Whoa! Wait a minute.

You're not gonna sucker me with that one again.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you must be having a nightmare.

Oh, yeah. I was, and you were in it, hot hips.

Oh. When is this horrible thing gonna end?

You're awake now, Mork.

Oh, yeah? Prove it. Pinch me.

Yeah, prove it. Come on…

Ow!

Well, I couldn't sleep through that noise.

Oh, Mindy, it was real horrible, but first…

( SIGHS )

it was a horrible dream.

People were trying to make me buy things.

Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!

Mork, nobody can make you buy things.

Yeah, Mr. Persuasion can. Eeh!

So ads can because they're so big and strong

and they make such nifty promises,

and they're so nice to you.

Not if you're a thinking buyer.

Just be selective and use your own judgment.

But I want everyone to like me.

I want to be part of the peppy generation.

People don't like you for what you own.

They like you for what you are.

What are I?

Weird but semi-likable.

Listen, I'll tell you what, Mork.

The next time the urge to buy comes over you,

just ask yourself, "Is it really necessary?

Do I really need it?"

All right, let me rehearse.

Need!

Do I really need it, Elizabeth?

No, too strong.

( MUMBLING ): Do I really need it?

All right, I think I've got it.

I'm ready now. Okay.

Let's try it out right now.

Let's see if I can find a commercial.

Oh, there's one.

MAN: Crunchy potato chips, Okay.

Delicately salted and mouth-watering good.

The crispy taste treat everyone loves.

How can you say halt to Mr. Salt?

Why try?

Okay. Now,

what do you ask yourself?

Do I really need it?

And what is your answer?

Damn straight! ( LAUGHS )

Mork. All right. All right.

Do I really need it?

The answer is y-y-y…

N-n-no!

Good.

Eh. Ar-ar-ar!

You're off to a good start.

Mindy, where are you going?

You might not need it, but I sure do.

Oh. I'm glad you like potato chips

'cause you're in for a little surprise.

Look what I got for us.

- Mork. - I know what you're going to say,

but I really needed these.

For what?

Well, I… I filled your bathtub with clam dip.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, great white hoax.

ORSON: What did you learn this week, Mork?

This week, Your Immenseness, I learned about advertising.

I must warn you, Mork, Orkans are vulnerable

to Earth's powers of persuasion.

I know that, sir, especially since we Orkans

don't have bathrooms, but you see,

advertising is nothing to be afraid of.

Without it, there'd only be Julia Child going:

( AS JULIA CHILD ): Today we'll have chicken lips au gratin.

( NORMAL VOICE ): Besides, advertising tells us about new and wonderful things

to replace our old and wonderful things.

Without it, Farrah would just be another Fawcett.

But don't you have an insatiable craving

to buy everything?

Well, sir, I must admit I did at first,

but then I learned a valuable lesson.

See, I learned that the greatest energy crisis on Earth

is a shortage of willpower.

For example, if there's something on television

you don't want to watch, you simply just press this but…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )