Original subtitles

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Min? Oh, Min?

Min?

Min?

Hi. I'm just filing my nails.

Well, I bet you file them under N, huh?

Well, I have a little surprise for you. Don't worry.

What's that? Let me show you.

This here. Heh-heh-heh.

What is that?

( GRUNTS )

Well, it's the tinfoil collection

of the kids at the daycare center.

( CHUCKLES ) Kind of looks like a meteor

from the planet Alcoa, doesn't it?

( GIGGLES ) Yeah.

I can't think of a better job for you

than being a group leader for a bunch of kids.

Yeah, I am kind of an expert in the field.

Would you believe this?

Some people say I'm rather childlike myself.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, that's news. Yeah.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR ) Race you!

Ha-ha-ha!

Hello, Mork.

Hi, Mindy. Hi, Nelson.

Nice ball of tin.

May I take your coat? I've always liked it. Ar-ar.

( CHUCKLES ) Well, some, uh, interesting development has transpired,

and I'm proud as a peahen.

I'm gonna give a speech on television.

( GASPS ) You're kidding! That's wonderful.

I've worked very, very hard on it,

and I, uh, wanted to get your reactions to it,

what you think about it. Sure.

Well, it looks nice from here. Nice crease.

A little albino origami, huh?

I think he wants to read it to us, Mork.

Oh. Oh, dopey moi.

Okay, go ahead, Nelson.

( CLEARS THROAT )

"What has happened to America?

"People have been asking that question a lot lately.

"That's why I've decided to look for a solution.

"You see, I sense that if there were a solution,

"or solutions,

"the energy that went into asking that question

"could be channeled into the search

for other solutions to other questions."

( SNORING )

MINDY: Mork!

That was my grabber.

( GASPS ) Oh. Bravo. Author, author.

I just… Just started.

Oh. Um, how much longer is that?

It runs for a full hour. Want me to read faster?

You got a full hour on television?

Well, my, uh, opponents in the upcoming election

were on a televised debate.

Somehow I was snubbed.

I suspect that the station manager is like this

with the other 12 candidates.

Oh. So you got equal time from the FCC?

Mind, you don't have to spell it. We're all adults here.

The only snag is… Is that, uh,

they gave me 7:00 Saturday morning.

Not exactly a prime-o time-o.

Not exactly? There's nobody watching TV except kids.

I'm hoping that they like what I say about America

and how to fix her,

and then they'll tell their parents to vote for me.

Nelson, I don't think that a political speech

is exactly what kids want to listen to.

Well, you could always do it in a chicken suit.

If you want the kids to pay attention to you,

you've got to talk about something they're interested in.

I don't know what kids want to hear.

Hang, it's been years since I was a cute little tyke.

Tell you what. I can help you out.

I could go to the daycare center and ask the tykes and tykettes

what they want to see on Saturday morning besides,

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): "Yah! Whoa!"

( AS PORKY PIG ): "Ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee, that's all folks."

I appreciate that, Mork. Thanks a lot.

Mindy, don't let him go.

He's one special guy.

Yes, he is.

Well, see you later, Nelson.

Okay, see you guys later.

Okay.

Ta-ta. Bye.

Well, Mind, I was gonna take that up to the attic,

unless you would like it as a little knickknack

or a tchotchke.

Well, Mork, my knickknack shelf has a one-ton weight limit.

I wanna know how you'll get that upstairs.

It was no trouble bringing it home.

Well, not exactly no trouble.

You know that taco stand at the bottom of that real steep hill?

Yes.

Well, it has a drive-through service now.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

That's a nice pinecone turkey you're making, Grant.

Thanks, Mrs. Thompson.

Mrs. Thompson, can you jump sideways in checkers?

No, Pamela.

Shazbat!

Well, Jack, this is an interesting painting.

You know what it is?

A tree.

It's a picture of you.

You know, it does sort of look like me,

except for that branch growing out of my ear.

- I knew you'd like it. - ( GIGGLES )

Greetings, munchkins.

ALL: Nanu, nanu!

Aw, shucks and wazoo.

( LAUGHS )

The kids sure have taken to you, Mork.

Oh, I like them too. I'd like to rent one if I could.

I also feel good about helping working moms.

Well, I'll be in my office. Have fun.

Thank you.

Picasso, eh?

Mork, would you do that magic trick again?

ALL: Yeah!

All right, no pressure.

( IMITATES BAND PLAYING FANFARE MUSIC )

( GURGLING )

( BURPS )

I can drink like that. You can?

Yes, but I do it with my mouth.

Oh, sleight of tongue, eh?

Munchkins, I-I need your help.

I have to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.

See, I have this friend who's giving a speech

on Saturday-morning television.

He likes to know what you think…

What would you like him to say?

Nothing.

Yeah, we get enough speeches at home.

Well, what would you like to see on Saturday mornings?

The Dallas cheerleaders.

I like puppets.

I like jokes.

Rock 'n' roll!

I'd like to see Dick Cavett

interview the prime minister of Rhodesia.

Pardon me?

I can't help it.

I'm gifted.

I wanna find out where babies come from.

Well, if you find out, will you tell me?

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

They also want to see you juggle,

and some magic, lion taming.

Sure. You have a talent.

I can't do nary a thing on that list.

Nelson was never what you might call

the entertainer of the family.

Last time I got applause

is when I used the potty without being reminded.

I think I just better go with my strength:

Dull speeches.

The little rug rats don't want to watch me,

let 'em switch to Mooky the Mongoose.

You don't have to fill this entire hour by yourself, do you?

What are you driving at?

Well, maybe we could help. I mean, we've got friends.

Yeah, I know some guys in a band and…

And Remo tells jokes.

Yeah, Mindy can sing. And Jeanie dances.

Listen to us. We sound like

an old Judy Garland/ Mickey Rooney movie.

( AS MICKEY ROONEY ): Kids, let's put on a show!

With a little imagination, we could turn the new theater

into an old barn!

I don't know.

It sounds kind of wacky.

Who'd want to watch a bunch of amateurs put on a show?

Peeping Toms.

I guess it is kind of a silly idea.

What am I gonna do?

Come on, Nelson, you can't give up.

Mind, we've got to help him.

Nelson, you might not have to be

that professional at 7 in the morning.

Do you really think if I put on a kids' show,

people would like me?

Yeah. Maybe.

By gum, let's do it.

It'll be Nelson Flavor's gift to the children of Boulder.

Oh, huzzah, huzzah! Let's go for the gusto!

I can see…

Oh, there's… There's one problem.

What?

Well, I'll miss Mooky the Mongoose.

Oh, you. You nutty guy!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

MINDY: Okay, who wants to go next?

Well, I'll give it a try.

Thanks.

Ooh. Good. Whoa.

Whoo. Yea!

I learned to juggle in the Army.

I used to do this with hand grenades.

That's how I got out.

( ALL LAUGH )

♪ La-la-la ♪

( ALL LAUGH )

This could be the start of something small.

I think the audience will enjoy it.

What audience?

I invited the kids from the daycare center.

I hope you don't mind, Nelson.

Ah, that's okay.

What's wrong, Nelson?

Well, it's just that

everybody's got something nifty to do except me.

If it goes well, the kids will think

you're the next best thing to dead bugs.

You're a good buddy, Mork.

I'm glad I appointed you to be the host.

Mork is gonna host the entire hour?

Well, he has a firm grasp

of juvenile-attitude preference.

He means Mork knows what kids like.

Yeah. I think they'll like what I'm doing.

I'm gonna start it like this.

( HUMMING FRED ROGERS' "WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?" )

( AS MR. ROGERS ): ♪ Have a beautiful day ♪

♪ Have a wonderful day ♪

Hello, neighbors.

Welcome to my neighborhood.

Do you like my sweater? It's ten years old.

( ALL LAUGHING )

I got it at the ABC thrift shop.

Well,

today we're gonna learn lots of wonderful things.

We're gonna learn why cows moo for certain bulls.

And the big lesson for today is how to make your cat longer.

Can you say, "Meow-w"?

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( ALL CHEERING )

( PLAYFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING )

( AS MR. ROGERS ): Thank you, Uncle Remo,

for those wonderful knock-knock jokes.

Weren't those funny, boys and girls?

I guess not, huh?

Come on over to my neighborhood now.

There's someone special I'd like you to meet.

( PLAYING PLAYFUL PIANO MUSIC )

Thank you, Mr. Piano Man, for tinkling on the keys.

Let's see if my friend's home.

Mr. Weasel?

I'll see if he's in there.

( SNARLING )

I guess he is.

Come on out, Mr. Weasel.

Here he is. Hello, Mr. Weasel.

( WITH ACCENT ): Hi, Mr. Mork. Nice to be on your show.

Yeah. What are you here for today?

Why have you come over to my neighborhood?

Because I want to talk to you

about a wonderful man called Nelson Flavor.

Well, that'd be wonderful.

Let's sit down and chat. We'll talk about it.

What's this man Nelson…

Whoa!

There goes the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Mr. Weasel,

you'll have to give a big introduction

while I scrape the neighbors off my pants.

You ready?

Yes, Mr. Mork.

Right here on our show,

let's bring her out here right now.

Miss Mindy McConnell! Come on out!

- Put a big hand together, kids! - Yea!

( CHUCKLES )

Okay, now, I'm going to teach you all a little lesson,

so I want you all to gather around.

( GIGGLING )

And I want you to repeat after me…

( PIANO PLAYING "I WON'T GROW UP" )

♪ I won't grow up ♪

ALL: ♪ I won't grow up ♪

♪ I don't wanna go to school ♪

ALL: ♪ I don't wanna go to school ♪

♪ Just to learn To be a parrot ♪

ALL: ♪ Just to learn to be a parrot ♪

♪ And recite a silly rule ♪

ALL: ♪ And recite a silly rule ♪

♪ If growing up Means it would be ♪

♪ Beneath my dignity To climb a tree ♪

♪ I'll never grow up Never grow up ♪

♪ Never grow u-up, not me ♪

♪ Not I ♪

♪ Not me ♪

ALL: ♪ Not me ♪

MINDY: ♪ I won't grow up ♪

ALL: ♪ I won't grow up ♪

♪ I don't wanna wear a tie ♪

ALL: ♪ I don't wanna wear a tie ♪

♪ Or a serious expression ♪

ALL: ♪ Or a serious expression ♪

♪ In the middle of July ♪

ALL: ♪ In the middle of July ♪

♪ And if it means I must prepare ♪

♪ To shoulder burdens With a worried air ♪

♪ I'll never grow up Never grow up ♪

♪ Never grow u-up, so there ♪

♪ Not I ♪

♪ Not me ♪

ALL: ♪ So there ♪

♪ Never gonna be a man I won't ♪

♪ I'd like to see somebody Try and make me ♪

♪ Anyone who wants to try And make me turn into a man ♪

♪ Catch me if you can I won't grow up ♪

ALL: ♪ I won't grow up ♪

♪ Not a penny will I pinch ♪

ALL: ♪ Not a penny will I pinch ♪

♪ I will never grow A mustache ♪

ALL: ♪ I will never grow a mustache ♪

♪ Or a fraction of an inch ♪

ALL: ♪ Or a fraction of an inch ♪

♪ 'Cause growing up Is awfuller ♪

♪ Than all the awful things That ever were ♪

♪ I'll never grow up Never grow up ♪

♪ Never grow u-up, no, sir ♪

♪ Not I ♪ ♪ Not me ♪

ALL: ♪ No, sir ♪

♪ So there ♪

And now for the second movement of the Frog Lake ballet.

( PIANO PLAYING THEME FROM PETER TCHAIKOVSKY'S SWAN LAKE )

( CHEERING )

We'll be back to our show in just a moment,

but first, this important message.

I'd like to talk to you about a future leader of this country.

Our graphics courtesy of the Pinetree Daycare Center.

ALL: Yea!

I'm talking about Nelson Flavor,

a man of substance.

Why do I like him?

Because he has a vision of what America should be.

REMO: So remember this face.

Our future depends on it.

And, uh, tell your folks Remo sent you.

( PIANO PLAYING MELANCHOLY MUSIC )

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): Give me another soda, Joe.

That's your fourth. Don't you think you had enough?

I'm drinking to forget, Joe.

Please, Billy, you know what it does to your complexion.

MORK: Ah.

I don't care. I wanna drown my sorrows.

( SLURPING )

Care to talk about it?

Oh, all right.

It's this girl named Susie.

She sits across from me in Miss Zimmerman's class.

You like her?

Maybe.

Does she like you?

Give me the soda.

I get it. A classic case of unrequited like.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Well, the trouble is… Well,

she likes a guy named Mikie Farquaharquaharquahar.

How do you know?

Well, she throws spitballs at him

and calls him a "neeny brain."

BICKLEY: Wanna know a secret, Billy?

When I was your age, I liked someone too.

Her name was Mary Lou.

She was special.

When I was with her, I felt 4 feet tall.

I wanted to share everything I had with her.

But she broke up with me because she didn't like

what I gave her for Christmas.

Well, what did you give her?

Chicken pox.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Doggone, that's the way I like to see you, Billy.

Oh, thanks, Joe, I… I think I can make it now.

Ah…

Here you go, you big palooka.

Buy yourself a Tonka toy.

( PIANO PLAYING MELANCHOLY MUSIC )

( IMITATES GUNSHOT )

( CHEERING )

( CHUCKLING )

( BAND PLAYING SLOW BLUES MUSIC )

( LOW VOICE ): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nanu, nanu, munchkins.

ALL: Nanu, nanu!

Ha, ha. You got it.

Let's get down.

Get back up again.

We're gonna sing some music right now for ya,

but about things that make you feel bad.

If somethin' makes you feel bad,

when I point my magic finger at you, you say, "Shazbat."

( CHUCKLES )

That's why we're gonna wail "The Shazbat Blues."

( PLAYS HARMONICA )

♪ Your mama tells you ♪

♪ To cut out the sweets ♪

♪ Then she tells you ♪

♪ To eat your beets ♪

Heh-heh.

What's that make you feel, little ones?

ALL: Shazbat!

Ha-ha-ha! You got it now.

( PLAYING BLUES MUSIC ON HARMONICA )

♪ "Don't jump fences ♪

♪ "Don't climb trees ♪

♪ "Don't sleep with the dog ♪

♪ Or else you'll get fleas" ♪

Ha-ha. What's this world full of, little munchkins?

ALL: Shazbat!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

We're on a roll now.

( PLAYING BLUES MUSIC ON HARMONICA )

♪ Green, green veggies ♪

♪ Are good for you ♪

♪ Tell me how come ♪

♪ They don't make Ice-cream stew ♪

Ow!

- What's that we're talkin' about? - You know.

ALL: Shazbat!

( CACKLING )

Yo!

( PLAYING BLUES MUSIC ON HARMONICA )

♪ You ask your mama ♪

♪ If you came from the stork ♪

♪ She says "No, little baby ♪"

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): ♪ You came from a test tube Topped with a cork" ♪

Ha-ha-ha!

♪ That's why I'm singin' The… ♪

ALL: Shazbat!

♪ Blu-u-es ♪

( PLAYING BLUES MUSIC ON HARMONICA )

( ALL CHEERING )

My name is Nelson Flavor.

( CLEARS THROAT )

"What has happened to America?

People have been asking that…"

I can't do this speech.

This is the wrong time and place.

You know why?

Because you've all helped me remember what it's like

to be a kid again.

I've had the best morning of my entire life.

I can't give a speech and wreck all the fun now.

ALL: Yea!

They love me!

They're gonna tell their parents!

People are gonna vote for this chicken yet!

( "BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING )

ALL: ♪ Glory, glory ♪

♪ Nelson Flavor ♪

♪ His truth goes Marching on-n ♪

( MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): Mork calling Orson.

Oh, there's Your Humpty Dumptyness.

ORSON: Just give me your report, Mork.

( NORMAL VOICE ): Yes, sir.

This week, sir, I learned about teamwork.

My friend Nelson Flavor asked for an hour of television time,

but once he got it, he didn't know what to do with it,

so his friends and I had to bail him out.

Tell me, how did you help your friend?

Well, I hosted his television show. You know, like:

( HUMS THEME FROM THE TONIGHT SHOW )

And, uh, it was for children. They really seemed to enjoy it.

Children? Sir.

What do you know about children, Mork?

Well, sir, some people think of them as children,

but I prefer to think of them as humans.

There's an older phrase, sir, that says,

"Children should be seen and not heard."

But I think if that really happened,

the silence would be deafening.

But children's minds aren't fully developed yet.

Isn't it best they be kept in their place?

Sir. Just because they're children

doesn't mean they don't have anything of value to say.

I mean, give 'em a chance. Listen to them.

If you're only gonna talk down to them,

how can you expect them to look up to you?

Well, sir, until next week,

( AS MR. ROGERS ): Can you say, "Nanu, nanu"?

I think you can.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )