Original subtitles

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I don't think you need any more than that.

Mindy, I can't thank you enough for helping me

with all the wedding plans.

I couldn't have done it alone.

Oh, that's all right, Ambrosia.

I mean, I like you, and besides,

anyone who's marrying Exidor

deserves all the help she can get.

I'm telling you, Freelander,

no matter how fast you paddle that kayak,

you're never going to get Steinmatz

up on those skis!

He's so forceful.

That's one of the reasons I love him.

What are you doing up there?

Skinny-dipping in Mork's lake.

My last swim as a single man.

From now on, it's the buddy system.

I did it, I did it, I did it.

Oh, no. You did what?

This time I did something right.

I got you a wedding present

that makes me so proud of myself

I could squash a toad.

Ooh, I mean, you'll never guess, so I'll give you a hint.

What weighs a hundred pounds and has feathers?

You bought 'em an ostrich.

Oh, no, you see, I didn't buy them an ostrich.

Besides, where would it stick its head?

Something you haven't seen since you grew up in that orphanage.

Exidor, remember this voice?

( WOMAN WHOOPING )

This is your life, Exidor!

Yes, that's right, it's Princess Lusitania,

your mother!

Exidor!

My son!

Excuse me. I… I'm not Exidor.

It's been a long time.

Natural mistake.

Mom! Is that you?

Cuspidor!

Exidor.

Of course!

I'd know you anywhere.

You have my gums.

Mork, this is the most wonderful present.

No one ever gave me a mother-in-law before.

This time, you really did do good.

Well, beat me with praise. I can take it.

Mom, I thought you were dead.

I don't think so.

Well, if she is, she leads a very active afterlife.

But if she's alive,

that means you deserted me.

No, no. You were taken from me.

I sent you out to play.

A half-hour later, I went to look for you.

Just as my foot hit the blacktop,

I remembered.

We were traveling 70 miles an hour

on our way to Denver.

I woke up two weeks later,

being nursed back to health by Indians.

Been with them ever since.

Oh, that's terrible.

But the important thing is…

That's my mom.

She never finished a bedtime story either.

Earth to Lusitania.

Oh, you're back.

We're engaged, Mom.

We're going to be married tomorrow.

Oh, I told her about that.

When she heard about it, she said, "Mork…"

I suppose you two are really in love.

Very much so.

Your son lit up my life.

That's what I was afraid of.

That's a lovely belt.

I didn't know Houdini had a fall line.

Thank you, Mork.

Would you help me with my suitcase?

Fortunately, I came prepared.

MINDY: What are you going to do with the chain?

What are you doing?

It's just a mother's way of saying, "He's mine."

I'm not leaving this house until you agree

to call off the marriage.

I'm just going into the other room

so you can talk it over.

But Mom, this isn't fair.

After 35 years, you show up,

say, "Hello. How are ya?"

and chain yourself to a post.

Mom!

Mom!

I think it's important in times like these

we don't forget the old saying,

"It's not the gift, it's the thought that counts."

Ambrosia, are you sure

you know what you're getting involved in?

Oh, I know most people don't understand

my relationship with Exidor,

but it's very simple.

Before I met him, all the men I went out with

were quiet and conservative like me.

My world was a succession

of brown suits and wingtip shoes,

and I said to myself, "Is that all there is?"

And then I met Exidor.

The last of the swashbucklers.

Now every day is tubing the bonsai pipeline.

That's understandable.

I know Mindy feels the same way about me.

He said modestly.

Exidor adds so much color to my life,

with his invisible friends and lakes in the attic.

Sometimes I wish I had those things too.

You're not mad at me for bringing home his mother.

She can't be all bad.

She had Exidor.

Well, that's very generous of you. But I still don't want

a woman chained up in my house.

I know how to get her out.

We'll do what the government always does.

We'll smoke a peace pipe, sign a treaty, then break it.

Don't worry. Exidor's in there and he's one silver-tongued

fiancée. He'll have her eating out of the palm of his hand.

Okay, Mom. I'll see if I can find you something to eat.

Mork, look what Mom's been saving for me

all these years.

Oh, look,

little bronze baby hip booties.

Is she leaving?

She's staying?!

Exactly.

Mindy, I know it can be inconvenient having house guests

but after we're married tomorrow,

there'll be no reason for her to stay.

She'll leave on her own.

Oh, she'd leave right away

if we'd promise to postpone the wedding.

Exidor, you wouldn't.

She just wants a chance

to be the mother she's never been.

She wants to take me for little rides

on the tricycle, and teach me to play catch.

She'll give that up the first time

she has to change your diapers.

MINDY: Let me tell you something.

If you call it off this time,

she's going to make you call it off again the next time.

Oh, please.

I don't need any girlish babble!

What I need is a voice of reason!

Mork…

Let me tell you something, if you call it off this time,

she's just gonna make you call it off the next time.

Now, that makes sense!

If you just go ahead with everything planned

she'll see that you're calling her bluff and she'll give in.

Thank you, Mork.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

He's so decisive.

But tonight is my bachelor party here.

What are we going to do with Mom?

We could hang her out the window and let her dangle.

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Grab it and twist it!

Oh, glad you could make it.

Hey, look,

let's get one thing straight.

I'm only doing this for you.

I don't even like that guy in the dress that much.

I do know this though, somebody deep-fried that man's brain.

Bachelor parties in New York are fun.

In Boulder, a bachelor party is a Rocky Mountain low.

What's the projector for?

Exidor's out getting some stag movies.

Hey, hey!

Now, there's a touch of class.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

Who wants to see a movie, Bambi does Yosemite?

I brought some beer and, uh, salami over there.

By the way, um, why is that chain going into the bedroom?

Oh, Lucy's at the other end.

Lucy? A woman?

Of course it's a woman.

We wouldn't chain a man, would we?

A woman on the end of a 30-foot chain?

You got it.

What's she look like?

She's got feathers.

That's wonderful!

This is gonna be a great party!

Ding-dong!

Nelson, come in. Join the festivities.

Hello, fellow Boulderites!

I suppose you've been wondering

how my campaign for city councilman has been going.

No. No.

Well, I'm here to tell you

that I am hot as a pistol.

I've joined the Moose Lodge and the Elk's Club.

Then you'll really like our stag film.

Where's, uh, Mr. Exidor?

I should meet the man,

since I'm officiating at his wedding.

Showtime!

Would you get out.

I told you you're not crashing my party.

We're packed in here as it is. Scram!

Who is that?

The groom.

Oh, my gosh.

I thought the bride

was supposed to wear the white gown.

Oh, Exidor, I'd like you to meet Nelson Flavor,

Mindy's cousin.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

( CHAIN RATTLING )

What a baby!

She's rarin' to go!

Ha-hah!

She?

Please, tell me it's a dog.

No, it's a chick!

And she's wearin' feathers!

You guys are sick.

Hey, don't look at us. It's her chain.

Mork, hit the lights.

The rest of you just find a place

wherever you can.

Down in front!

How do you like that for an opening shot?

Leaves a lot to the imagination.

Are my eyes getting worse?

Hold it down, please, and let the girl act.

What do you think of the movie, Mork?

Well, it leaves you wanting more.

If I saw this baby twice,

my boots would be full of sweat.

( CHAIN RATTLING )

REMO: There's nothing on the screen!

Mork, Mork,

can I talk to you a second?

Is that Lucy?

- Uh-huh. Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Yep, yep, yep.

Mom! Mom!

You can't watch this trash!

Mork, wait till you see

the blond girl play volleyball.

Mork, I can't take any more of this!

Down in front!

Even if she does have a bag on her head,

this is a little too rough for me, okay?

Hey, you know, you guys from Boulder

showed me a couple of new twists.

Thanks for coming.

Uh, I enjoy a good laugh just as much as the next guy,

but chaining and bagging somebody's mom

isn't my idea of hijinks.

MORK: Down in back!

If you guys weren't registered voters,

I'd turn the lot of you in.

Drive safely.

Spike it, honey! Spike it!

How was the party?

Well, things really livened up

after we took the bag off of Lusitania's head.

Sorry I asked.

I enjoyed myself.

I got to know Labrador better.

Exidor, mom. Exidor.

We could have a bachelor party every night,

if he wasn't getting married tomorrow.

But he is getting married tomorrow.

Not necessarily!

The old princess has an extra card up her sleeve.

Oh, I wondered why she wasn't playing with a full deck.

I'm going to put myself into a trance,

and I'm going to stay there

until the marriage is called off

or until I die.

Well, let's look on the bright side.

I could've found his father too.

JEAN: Her pupil dilation is normal,

her pulse is normal,

and her posture's pretty good.

So, what does that mean?

When a person is in a real trance,

their heartbeat slows way down.

I knew it.

Did you hear that, Ambrosia?

Jeanie agrees that the princess is faking it.

AMBROSIA: ( MONOTONE ) Yahoo.

What are you gonna do with ( CHUCKLES )

during the ceremony?

Well, fortunately, it isn't here, it's…

Oh, you haven't heard this one.

Okay, are you ready for this one?

Exidor wanted to have it in the woods by a lake,

so we're having it in the attic.

Ah, it must be a lovely world he lives in.

He and Mork are up there right now

clearing out the underbrush.

When Remo and I come back for the wedding,

we'll bring the rest of the food.

Okay.

I think I'll also bring my snakebite kit.

If you have any trouble finding us,

make a left at the waterfall.

( CHUCKLES ) Okay.

This is an attic.

A man wouldn't get married in an attic.

But then, most men wouldn't chain and bag

their mothers, either.

What's happening to our society?

I don't think you understand. Exidor's a little eccentric.

He even wrote up his own nuptials.

I hope it doesn't start,

"There once was a bridegroom named Exie…"

Smells like tuna fish.

Mork.

I've been pleading with Mom, but I don't think

she's going to make it to the wedding.

She just sits there, staring into space,

sucking the filling out of a Twinkie.

Don't you worry about that. This is your day.

Thank you very much, dear.

That's deeply appreciated.

Who is that woman?

How come she gets invited to my wedding,

and burro is sitting out there cooling his hooves.

MINDY: Mork, start the music. She's ready.

( "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS )

( CLEARS THROAT )

"Dearly beloved,"

"we are gathered here today"

"in this beautiful forest…"

"on the shore of this silvery lake…"

Is anybody buying this?

( CHAINS RATTLING )

Stop!

( GASPING )

I can't go on!

That's my mother down there!

I… Oh!

Ambrosia…

could we just postpone the wedding for a month?

Please, doe eyes?

Oh, Exidor, I don't want to tell you what to do.

I just want to know where I stand.

I love you, and you said you loved me.

That was nice.

Now, I know you also love your mother,

but there comes a time when a son has to cut the cord,

even if he needs a hacksaw to do it.

But it's your decision.

I just wish you'd make it soon

because I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, her little doe eyes are leaking.

( CHAINS RATTLING )

I've had enough of this!

A wedding should be a happy occasion.

Listen, she's my gift, I take responsibility for this.

Mork, what are you going to do?

We've talked until we're blue in the face. Including you.

I mean, her mind is made up. She's not gonna change it.

Mindy, you don't understand, I have a superior mind

and PHD in gestalt car wash.

Now, I know what she needs.

She needs a good old-fashioned dose of honest cruelty.

Princess Lusitania, there's some things

we have to get straight.

( IMITATING NATIVE AMERICAN ): Time now for a powwow, huh?

( NORMAL VOICE ): Uh, you say you love Exidor.

Well, he's upstairs about to have

one of the happiest moments of his life,

and you're down here making him miserable.

Now, why don't you go upstairs and join the wedding?

Listen, they're gonna get married with or without you.

Now, Princess Lusitania, now…

"Princess Lusitania," that's not even your real name.

I found out your maiden name was.

"Bloomasnitzpistle."

Now, come on! Drop the act!

Oh, no, you don't have to drop it that much.

Hey, hey, you're molting.

Oh, hey, come on, now.

I don't want to see you cry.

( AS AL JOLSON ): ♪ Mammy ♪

Oh, I'm sorry. That's the wrong song to use right now.

It's not fair, Mork.

I'm 60 years old,

and I never really had a son.

I don't even have any memories.

Well, I know it's not fair,

but you're gonna lose

a very special memory right now.

I mean, I know… I know life can be real cruel sometimes

because you can't relive the past,

but, hey, you're real lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah, I mean, you have a chance here

to get two memories for the price of one.

You're gonna have the memories of a son and a daughter.

Mork, you don't understand.

35 years of hoping,

and then he rejects me.

I guess mothers always lose, don't they?

ALL: Well?

Well, I blew it.

ALL: Oh.

She's packing her chains and heading back to the wigwam.

Would you like to say goodbye?

Yes, I would…

but right now, marrying you

is the most important thing to me.

Hit the music, Mork!

( "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS )

( CLEARS THROAT )

"Dearly beloved,"

"we are gathered here…"

LUSITANIA: Exidor… Oh.

I was thinking about what Mork had to say.

He was right, and I was wrong.

I want very much to see your wedding, Exidor.

But I'll do it and stay on one condition.

That you'll forgive me and be my daughter.

Hi, Mom. Welcome to the family.

"Dearly beloved,

"we are gathered here today

"in this beautiful forest,

on the shore of this silvery lake…"

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Yo, hippo hips!

( IMITATING AN ELEPHANT )

ORSON: Animal jokes, Mork? Been to the zoo again?

Well, not exactly, sir.

I got Exidor to the attic on time.

Nothing worse than a man who's late to his own attic.

Well, he and Ambrosia finally tied the knot.

Now, it's double or nothing.

Oh, yes. Exidor's wedding.

How does an earthling go about getting married?

Well, sir, you give a little blood,

you get a license, and then you're in business.

Humans need a license for marriage?

Is that like getting a driver's license, Mork?

Well, not really, sir.

You see, they make you take a test to learn to drive,

but the only test of marriage is the test of time.

In that case, is it worth the risk?

Well, sir, I think marriage is an emotional investment,

and in these inflated times,

it's a special bond between two people

that still yields the highest dividends.

Till next week, sir. Nanu, nanu.