Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

- Mom. Mom. - You're from Neptune?

My name is Kalnik, but please call me Kal.

You live on Earth? Me too. What do you do?

Well, I'm an observer, and I enjoy folk dancing.

I'm an observer also.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- What a small galaxy. - What a small galaxy.

Years ago, I never even knew there were aliens,

- and here I am, sitting with two. - I know what you mean.

I would like to make a toast here.

A friendship that spans the universe.

Oh. Mm-hm.

Are you satisfied with the Orkan?

I can mold him into whatever I want.

- What about the woman? - She's of no use.

- She'll have to be eliminated. - The child?

KAL: The son, Mearth, is nothing but a useless mutant.

No one calls my son a mutant. Take a hike.

What are you getting so upset about? We have important business.

- We have nothing to discuss. Leave. - You'll live to regret this, Orkan.

[YELLING]

- You're so sweet. - What is going on?

- Mind, you know I'd never cheat. - Take your hands off… Ah!

- You're an android. - And I'm also a bomb.

A bomb! Hide.

- Are you okay, Mork? - Still think I'm paranoid, Mind?

Kalnik's after us.

Gotta go someplace where he won't find us.

I have a feeling we're never gonna see this place again.

MORK: Oh, boy, Arizona's beautiful, isn't it, Mind?

Painted deserts, purple mountains.

- It's gonna be a great place to die. - All right.

Now, I didn't say anything when you said you saw a cactus

- take down our license plate number. - I did.

But enough is enough, Mork.

We've put a lot of distance between us and Kalnik.

Mind, don't you underestimate Kal. He's got a Porsche.

This is an emergency situation. We need you. Okay?

So don't fall apart, like you do when your potato chip has a little green on it.

Oh, I do hate that. But you're right.

[EXHALES]

Gonna hang tough, gotta be cool. You're right.

Agent 46 to Kalnik. We've located the alien. Shall we take him?

KAL [ON RADIO]: No, keep him in sight, but save him for me. Ha-ha!

Go.

There you go.

I don't believe you, Mommy.

You're asking an innocent child to sleep here in this dirt?

Mearth, I've explained to you.

This is sort of a spur of the moment camping trip,

and you're just gonna have to bear with us. Okay?

Oh, that's all right for you to say. You've got the air mattress.

We all agreed that the coin toss was fair, all right?

- Night-night. Pleasant dreams. - Night-night. Sure.

And I've got this Gila monster for a pillow.

- Mind? Ha-ha-ha. - Ah!

- Mork. - Oh, look at that.

Georgia O'Keeffe's hood ornament.

Talk about the Scarsdale Diet. Whoa.

[GROANING] Oh, Mind.

- Very funny. - Oh, come on now, Mind.

What are you upset about? You got the air mattress.

And all I get is the tumbleweed as a pillow.

Mork, we have a dollar-56 left to our names.

Now, we've gotta stay out of sight till we get a message to Dad

to bring us more money.

But to tide us over,

I think we're gonna have to pawn our wedding rings.

Oh, Mind, no. I mean, that's a symbol of our love and commitment.

I mean, couldn't you just sell your hair?

Look what's happened to us.

Mork, the biggest thing we had to worry about yesterday

was trying to find a decent plumber, and now we're running for our lives.

- I'm scared. - Oh, so am I. Come here, come here.

I should've known better than to trust somebody from Neptune.

On Neptune, Pia Zadora would've won the Oscar.

Oh…

It's so hard to stay depressed around you.

Oh, Mind, I guess that's why Ingmar Bergman

doesn't come over and play tennis anymore.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[MAKING TENNIS SOUND EFFECTS]

[ALTERNATING SOUND EFFECTS AND FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Five-love.

[WHISTLES]

Will you look at this place?

Looks like Sylvester Stallone's library.

Who cares? It's a better place to hide than Edna's Reptile Dinner Theater.

I loved it when that iguana sang "Oklahoma."

I'm hungry. Where do you suppose the coffee shop is?

The last thing I had to eat was a Junior Mint,

and that was stuck to the sole of my shoe.

Yeah, but you didn't share it, you wretched little churl.

All right, let's not start this again.

Mearth, what we're gonna do, we'll check in and go to the coffee shop,

and then when Dad comes, we'll be able to pay for it.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Come on, everybody, let's go. Come on, let's go.

Come on. All right. This is the last lap.

Enjoy it. Okay, this is the last stretch. Oh, terrific.

Let's all give ourselves a Hidden Hills hand

for the splendid job we did on our run today.

And let's try to forget about what happened to Angela.

[COWBELL JANGLING]

Time for lunch, everybody.

Today's meal is a carrot stick and a picture of a potato.

Let's go. Remember, you can never be too rich or too thin. Ha-ha!

I have a feeling this place is a fat farm.

Yeah, and what a bumper crop.

One, two, three, four,

soon you'll fit through the door.

[SINGING] I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

Okay, everybody, let's shake it out now.

All right, everybody in a semi-circle.

Come on.

Good. Okay.

Time now for sharing and caring.

Stella, would you like to begin?

- Do you gotta stand? - Yes.

Okay, give me a minute.

Come on, Stella, you can do it.

[ALL CHEER]

Well, my name is Stella Benson, and I have a weight problem.

But I feel good about myself, because I've lost 17 pounds.

And now, when I go on an airplane,

they'll allow the other passengers to take luggage.

Thank you, Stella. Okay, who wants to go next?

[COWBELL JANGLING]

- Dinner! - Dinner!

Mork, it's been three days of starving. I can't take much more of this.

Yeah, it's almost like Mahatma Ghandi opened up a burger stand.

- Mommy. Mommy. Daddy. MINDY: Oh, what, Mearth?

There's a woman after me. She's from Indiana, and she's a widow.

And she wants me to take over her late husband's shoe factory.

A whole factory? Son, you have my blessing.

Mearth, don't worry about it. Just try to stay in large groups.

Around here that's not hard to do.

Oh, my looks have become a curse.

- Mork, Mindy, are you all right? - Oh, Dad.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

We didn't want to drag you into all of this, but there's no one else to turn to.

Well, honey, what's a father for? I'm just glad you're not hurt.

Oh, Dad, I hate to be the clichéd son-in-law, but where are our bucks?

- Oh, here. - Oh, bless you.

Hey, hey, what's your hurry? I haven't even seen my little grandson yet.

Look at this mondo dinero.

You must have gotten a great settlement in your hair-transplant suit.

- Dad, we don't need all this money. - Oh, that's all right.

I can afford to be generous. After all, you'll never live to spend it.

[MINDY GASPS]

Kalnik.

[LAUGHS]

MORK: Oh… Oh!

Oh, Mind, we're not gonna hit our target weight after all.

[LAUGHING]

[KAL LAUGHS]

All right, now, what has four legs and ten seconds to live?

Wait a minute, I know this one. Uh…

It's… I think it's… Sounds like…

Oh, would you shut up, Ork breath?

Both of you, put your fingers in your ears.

Go ahead. And stand on one foot.

[LAUGHING]

Boy, do you look stupid.

Why do you want to kill us?

Because you're the only ones that can throw a monkey wrench into my plans.

I have to kill all three of you and then get back for my haircut by 4.

- Now, where's the little mutant? - No, not Mearth. He's just a child.

Well…

No, I'm gonna kill him.

- You're insane. - I'm just a product of your sick society.

When I came to Earth, all I wanted to do was open a little restaurant.

I had trouble getting a liquor license.

I decided it would be easier to take over the planet instead.

Well, I'm glad you shared this moment with us

because it probably makes you feel better about blowing us away.

- Yes, it does. - Oh, really?

Oh, Mork, Mork, if only you had my vision of the future.

If only you had one tenth of my power and brilliance

instead of the ambition of a substitute teacher.

I infiltrated your government.

I took an ineffective arm of a consumer protection agency

and turned them into my own personal army.

I told them that you were the aliens threatening the planet.

Catchy twist, isn't it?

Thank you. There was a draft.

All right, all right.

- Any last words? - Oh, Mork.

Mind.

[SINGING] I'm so glad we had this time together

Just to have a laugh and sing a song

Seems we just got started And before we know it

Comes the time We have to say, "So long"

- Okay, hold it right there. - Ah! Don't shoot me, Mindy.

Don't shoot me, Mindy. Don't shoot me.

Get out of the way, you dumbbell.

- Okay, you hold it right there. - Oh, no, you wouldn't fire that gun.

Oh, yes, I would.

No, no, no.

I'll get this back to you by Tuesday.

Kal, I'm warning you.

All you Earth women are good for is standing in line

at the movies while your husbands park the car.

- Stay back. I'm not kidding. - You don't have the guts.

Yes, I do. I just don't have the instructions.

Mind, Mind, I'm open. Here.

Mind, was that you or the Memorex?

That was my mother's ray gun.

All right, you just bought yourself another minute to live.

- But, oh, is it gonna hurt. - Oh, yeah? What about this, huh?

Oh, your dinky, little finger is no match for my telekinetic powers.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You did it now, Jack. That's it.

- Come on, come on, come on. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Howard, boxing has been good to me.

You didn't fight. Come on, you gotta get mad, Mork.

You can think of things you hate.

Yeah, yeah, post-nasal drip and your perm.

Yeah. My perm? What do you mean, my perm?

Oh, I'm teasing now.

Come on. Come on.

Bachelor number one, are you employed?

Yeah.

Mind, look, little birds everywhere.

Okay.

Okay, this has been fun, gang, but it's death time.

[DOOR OPENS]

MINDY: Oh, no. - Oh, Mommy, Daddy, what's this?

KAL: The feeb.

Kalnik.

Oh, please, don't hurt them.

Who would ever adopt a 200-pound orphan?

Mearth, quick, run for it.

Drat.

That's all right, son. Maybe you and I could band together against him.

We'll be the best father and son team since Raymond and Aaron Burr.

MORK: Go on, Mind. We can't hold out for very long. Save yourself.

No, I'm not going anywhere without you.

MORK: Oh, bless you, Mind.

[MEN SHOUTING]

The ultimate Caucasian.

I turned him into a statue.

Well, it's all over. We might as well go home.

- I guess. MORK: I guess you're right.

Son, we did it. Oh, you little pooterette.

- Give your daddy five. - Yeah.

[MORK YELLING]

So long, honky.

What did you mean when you said you didn't like my perm?

Well, I do like your perm, Mind. It's just too much.

It's wonderful. It's the heat of battle.

MORK: Mind, come on, I never said I hated your hair.

I just liked it when it was, well, attractive.

MINDY: Oh, great, so now I'm not attractive?

MORK: I never said that. Did I, son? The other day, didn't I casually remark

how attractive your mother was?

No, I believe you said that she looks like Marty Allen in a wind tunnel.

Son, I worship Marty Allen. He's a lovely comic.

You know, "Hello there."

- Mork? - Mind?

I'm not gonna argue about this.

I'm too happy to be alive to be as mad as I should be.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

MEARTH: Off the record, Mommy, I'm on your side.

MINDY: Oh, those men!

[HORN HONKING]

[GUNSHOT]

Whoever they are, they're not gonna be able to follow us over this terrain.

- Mork, we have to talk. - All right.

- But not in front of M-E-A-R-T-H. - Who is Me-arth?

Me, Mearth.

I'm just trying to figure out how I can get that air mattress back.

Mork, nothing is gonna stop Kalnik's men.

They think you're the alien who is secretly out to take over the world,

and they're just gonna keep hunting until they find you.

Well, there's only one solution, I guess.

You and Mearth take the jeep and go east,

and I'll go west and try and keep them on my trail.

No, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna leave you.

Oh, bless you, hon.

Oh…

Well, let's see.

- Well, there's one other solution. - What?

It's very dangerous though.

Mearth?

- Yes? - Come here.

- This has to be a family decision. - Oh, we're gonna have steak tonight?

Son.

You see,

there's only one choice, but I think it's the only way.

I have to tell the whole world that I'm an alien.

That way they know I've got nothing to hide.

Mind, that's the only way. I've gotta go public.

Mork, for as long as I've known you,

this is the one thing I've been the most scared of.

You have no idea how people are gonna act,

or how they're gonna treat you.

I don't know.

Mind, come on now.

Oh, Mind, I've lived on this planet for four years,

and most of the people are very good.

I mean, if they can accept Diana Ross as Dorothy, they can go for me.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

MAN: We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming

to bring you this live report of national interest

from the Federal Building in Los Angeles.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary General of the United States.

Good afternoon.

I have been asked to make the following announcement.

Five days ago, the United States government became aware

of the existence of an extra-terrestrial being, living on this planet.

Since that time, his origin has been verified

by our nation's leading scientific and military experts,

who are present today.

He will speak to you now.

[MORK CLEARS HIS THROAT]

- Just like you rehearsed it. - Oh.

[EMITS HIGH PITCH]

Hello there.

I'm Mindy McConnell, and I'm married to Mork here.

Oh, go Dodgers.

Um, Mork came to this planet four years ago from a place called Ork.

Ork is a very nice planet. It's a lot like Earth, as a matter of fact.

It has gravity and oxygen and dog races.

[MAKES DOG NOISE]

And now I want to introduce to you all

someone who's proved to me that life on other planets

is not only peaceful but compassionate and loving.

Mork.

Uh…

Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. America,

and all couples who are just living together.

- Just tell them about yourself. - Okay, you're right.

[CLEARS THROAT, THEN EXHALES]

Yes, I am an alien, and cold pizza gives me gas.

Um, I know it's gonna be difficult for many of you to accept me

because I'm different.

But, hey, I really pose no threat to you.

Hey, I'm just like all of you except I have three hearts and no liver.

And who likes liver anyway?

Uh, to be very blunt,

I'm throwing myself at your mercy.

See, all we want to do is live here in peace.

I… This world has given me very, very wonderful things.

My wife, my son.

And now I think it's time for me to give you something back.

You see, the universe, it's a very, very big place.

But if you accept me today,

I think we take the first step to make it a little bit smaller.

[EXHALES]

Uh, it's a great opportunity. Let's not blow it.

I don't know what else to say, except na-no.

KAL: Mork, your days are numbered.

[LAUGHING]