Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Fat Masterson.

WOMAN: Hola! Orson is no in casa.

This is the housekeeper, Keezbalita.

Talk fast, I'm watching The Edge of Ork.

When will he be back, Keezbalita?

[KEEZBALITA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

He's at his club.

He get drunk and then he come home and say:

"Keezbalita, I want you bad."

Gotta go now. Elizabeth Taylor's on. Boy.

Adiós, you fine young thing.

I should never have given her that Fernando Valenzuela poster.

Hello, Mom?

Mom?

Mom, can you hear me?

[MAKING SOUND EFFECTS]

Oh, excuse me.

I'm awfully sorry, my friend.

I was just trying to call my mother on Neptune.

Oh, you're from Neptune?

You don't know Bobby Gleepglow, do you?

Are you kidding? I dated his sister.

Are you kidding? That gorgeous bald girl?

- Uh-huh! - Whoa!

[BOTH MAKE NOISES]

My name is Kalnik, but please, call me Kal, okay?

Everybody does except my car salesman who calls me "guy."

"Hey, guy, what you doing? Guy."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, na-no. I'm Mork from Ork.

- Oh! I'm sorr… - Oh.

Sorry, I have been on Earth for so long,

I'm starting to pick up their primitive customs.

You know, lately I've even started raising my arms on roller coasters:

[SHRIEKING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Oh! You live on Earth? Me too. - Mm-hm.

- No. - What do you do?

Well, I'm an observer, and I enjoy folk dancing.

- I'm an observer also. - Yeah?

Yup, in my spare time I'm a homemaker, though.

Yeah, I like to take care of my son,

and one day hope to make big money stuffing envelopes.

- You're married, huh? - Yeah.

Me too, but don't laugh, okay?

- She's an Earth girl. - Oh!

- Whoa. So's mine. - No.

- Does yours use Noxzema? - Yes!

Does yours buy those little soaps that she won't let you wash with?

- Oh, what a small galaxy. - Oh, what a small galaxy.

So you dated Bobby Gleepglow's sister?

Yes, have you heard from her?

Well, I don't wanna spread any rumors,

but I heard that she's turned amphibious.

No.

Really: Cootchie-cootchie.

- Yeah. - Ha-ha!

I'm really glad it's raining.

That bully that keeps beating me up across the street,

he has to stay in too.

Shh! Mearth, Daddy's working.

Are you kidding? He isn't working. He watches Love Boat the same way.

Well, when he watches Love Boat he keeps mumbling:

"Is Dennis Cole on again?"

Why don't you go and get out of your wet slicker?

No, I don't wanna get out of my wet slicker, okay?

- I wanna stay in my wet slicker. - Mearth…

[ENGLISH ACCENT] Celeste. I've asked you never to come aboard.

Not at a time, we're entering heavy gales, northeast by southwest

by southeast by southwest by northeast. Go below.

Take those groceries, help yourself.

Be careful of the cabin boy. He's small and tiny, and he bites.

Oh! Look at those:

[MAKES WAVE NOISES, THEN COUGHS]

Oh, seaweed.

Who knows, it might be in a Nantucket museum.

Save it. It was aboard the Pequot.

When will we see the whales, sir? When will we see the whale?

Well, you can't miss it. They're quite large.

They have Gregory Peck on it, just like this:

Your little girl, she'll be on the bow, just like this:

- Captain, sir. - Yes?

- Captain, sir? - Yes.

The storm is breaking.

[NORMAL VOICE] Is it?

Yes.

I think you should go and change into your jammies.

- I think you're right. - Good.

The crew was out of line anyway.

- They were talking mutiny, Mommy. - Mearth.

Mind? Oh, Mind, Mind,

put away those groceries and do something to your hair.

Put some magnetic beads in

because we're stepping out with a terrific couple.

Mork, I told you I'm not going to the Salvation Army luau

with Exidor and his sister.

Mind, that's next week.

Tonight we're going out with our new best friends, Kal and Tracy Andrews.

Now, I wish you'd checked with me first.

You know what happens every time we go out with another couple.

We can never get close enough to them to stay friends.

I mean, they brag about their kids,

and we have to pass Mearth off as a visiting professor from Ceylon.

Mindy, come on. We won't have to do any of that stuff for these people.

Why? Are they blind?

You don't see. They're just like us.

I mean, she's from Chicago, and he's from Neptune.

- There's life on Neptune? - Well, not after dark.

Well, except for one little rib place in the inner city.

They also serve seafood. You can get my man, lobster. What's happening?

Now, this couple, they are normal, right?

I mean, Kal doesn't have three heads or eat wood or anything?

No, I don't eat wood, although mahogany does make great croutons.

And they never get soggy.

[KAL AND MORK LAUGH]

- Hi, I'm Kal. - Hi, I'm embarrassed.

- Hey, paisano. - Hey.

[BOTH HUMMING]

Kal, I'd like you to meet my main gal here,

the light of my life, the one I give my extra pickle to.

And I would like you to meet the only girl in the universe for me.

Unfortunately, she couldn't make it, so I had to bring my wife.

He always says that.

Oh, I'm so happy to meet both of you.

You know, my favorite cousin's name is Mindy.

What a coincidence. Mindy's name is Mindy.

Mindy, Mork tells me you're in television.

Maybe… Maybe you can answer this for me.

Why is there no Channel 1?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, uh…

Well, see, uh, when television was first invented, uh…

No, see, the FCC has special frequency regulations and, uh…

I haven't the faintest idea.

The search goes on.

She may not know, but she can adjust the vertical hold,

- if you catch my drift. KAL: Oh!

[MORK LAUGHS]

Well, how did you two meet?

Well, I was working as a nurse's aide when Kal came in with re-entry burns.

[MAKES SOUND EFFECTS]

Oh, it's okay.

And out of all the girls on Earth, he chose me.

You know, Mindy, we must be the two luckiest girls

since the other two Mandrell sisters.

- Your champagne, sir. - Oh, thank you, Chuck.

- I'll do the honors. Thank you. - Very good, sir.

I think you'll like this one.

It's from the Chateau region of Arkansas.

"Eau de Billy Bob." Heh.

See, it says, "Bottled somewhere near the house."

Squeal! Heh-heh.

Oh, there we go. Little touch there. There we are.

KAL: Whoo!

Party! Boom!

You are my kind of guy, Mork.

[BOTH MAKE SOUND EFFECTS]

I never had a friend like you, Kal. You know,

we are gonna be closer than Karen Black's eyes.

Oh, Mork, why don't we sit down and talk seriously for a moment, okay?

I think you're right, Kal. How about this?

Famine, flood and Alexander Haig, huh?

Mork, have you ever noticed

that this planet offers opportunities that a couple of guys like us

could really take advantage of?

I mean, aren't you tired of just sitting around being an observer

when it would be so easy to just step in and take a piece of the action?

You and I could really accomplish something very significant here.

Oh.

Really?

You mean, like change the smell of tar?

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

Wow.

Company. Are you anybody I should know?

Kal, Tracy, this is our little bundle of joy,

our bouncing baby-man, Mearth.

- Hey. - Hi, Mearth.

- Hi. - Hi.

MINDY: Yes, and he's even…

And he's even cuter when he's upstairs asleep in his bed,

- aren't you, Mearth? KAL: Oh, uh, uh-oh!

Come on. What's the good of having a kid if he can't come down

and show off for company a little bit? Mearthy, do something wonderful,

that thing that Daddy loves so much.

[MAKING TAPPING NOISES]

These slippers are a cheat. Heh.

Whoa, eh, you're a little boy.

He is so fun. It's amazing.

- Isn't he something? - Incredible. Very talented.

Well, if you like that, how about my impression of Gary Cooper?

Why don't you do Gary Cooper sleeping in the bunkhouse? Hmm?

Okay. Okay, Mommy.

[IMITATING GARY COOPER] Well, I'll be moseying along.

I'll be going to the bunkhouse.

I'm a little uneasy about that because of those bunkies.

Tomorrow at 12:10-30, they're gonna hang me.

I hope the guy has a sense of humor. Last year he used a rubber band.

You kids wait here. I'll be right back. Mearth won't go to bed

unless I show him a picture of the bogeyman getting on a plane.

Oh, you go right ahead.

[KAL MAKES SOUND EFFECTS]

Are you satisfied with the Orkan?

He may be a feeb,

but he still has great powers, though they're no match for mine.

- I can mold him into whatever I want. - What about the woman?

She's of no use to us. She'll have to be eliminated.

And the child?

KAL: The son, Mearth, is nothing but a useless mutant,

and he does a lousy Gary Cooper.

- Oh! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy. KAL: Oh. Ha-ha.

We were just talking about how precious your child is.

No, you weren't. I heard exactly what you said.

How dare you talk about our son like that?

- I think you two had better leave. KAL: Oh. Whoa-ho.

What's wrong, Mind, did they use those little soaps of yours?

[KAL LAUGHS]

They just called your son a mutant.

How can you say something so cruel about a special boy

- that's never hurt anybody? - Oh, hey, space-bro, lighten up.

What are you getting so upset about?

I mean, we have important business to talk about.

We have nothing to discuss. You should leave right now.

Look, I didn't wanna say this, but let's face it,

he's nothing but a hefty half-breed.

No one calls my son a mutant. You should take a hike.

You could have been my ally. But you've made your choice.

You'll live to regret this, Orkan, but not for long.

[YELLING]

Tracy, come.

Oh, remember, Mindy, you owe me that carrot-cake recipe. Night.

Well, we'll show them.

Give them your grandmother's carrot-cake recipe.

They'll starve to death trying to read her handwriting.

MEARTH: Mommy,

you'd better hurry up and get out here.

It's time you get out here.

If you take longer, I'm gonna start getting interested in girls.

I know you're in there, Mommy. I know you're in there.

Now, I'm going to count to ten.

If you're not out here by the time I count to ten,

I'll make a lot of long-distance calls at random.

Like Berlin, London, Paris, Frankfurt, Fayetteville.

Mommy.

Okay, I'll use the old saver.

- Oh, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Ah! MINDY: Mearth.

- I'm sorry, sweetheart. - My tiny heart left my body.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to frighten you. I've been waiting downstairs.

I thought you'd slipped out for a moment. I was irrigating my ant farm.

We'll wanna get to the park before the winos wake up.

- Here, here's your jacket. - Okay.

Oh, you're gonna love flying your kite in the park, Mearth,

- and running. - I don't wanna… I don't wanna run.

I'll just walk briskly.

Oh, hi. Heh.

- What's wrong? - Oh, nothing.

- Good. We're going. - No, you're not!

Oh, there's someone following me!

Mork, you have been doing this for three days.

Now, no one is following you.

So Kal made a few idle threats.

That doesn't mean he's gonna do anything.

Look at Reagan.

Mind, you don't know Neptunians.

They end their national anthem with a human sacrifice.

Mork, you can stay in here and be afraid of your shadow,

or you can come with us.

- Bye. - Okay. Come on, Mearth.

- Bye. - See you, Dad.

There's no wind out there anyway.

TRACY: Mork, are you in there? It's Tracy. Please, open the door.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I can't. My Mommy and Daddy are sleeping.

TRACY: Oh, Mork, please, I have to talk to you. Let me in.

I'm alone.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, sure. And Tip O'Neill wears tapered shirts.

TRACY: If you won't believe me, why don't you check for yourself?

- Please. - All right.

I think I'll just do that.

Kal, are you out there?

Kal, are you out there?

Well, that's good enough for me.

- Oh, Mork. Oh, Mork. - Oh, it's all right.

Mork, you were the only person I could turn to.

My life has fallen apart.

I've left Kal.

I should have known he was evil when he laughed at Old Yeller.

- Oh! That macho pig. Macho pig. - Yeah.

Oh…

I have tried to be a good wife.

I washed his clothes. I darned his socks.

I even jogged for him so he could sleep late.

[SOBBING]

Oh, that's all… Oh, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

There we go. There we go. Okay, there we go.

Oh, come on, it's all right.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

- Oh, Mork. - Feel better?

Yeah.

You're so sweet.

Heh.

I have to tell you,

Kal didn't meet you by accident.

It was all part of his plan.

He was just using you.

I feel so cheap.

He just wanted to pick your brain

to find out what your ultimate mission was here on Earth.

Well, originally, I was sent to observe the culture,

but now I just want to see if Nightline knocks off Carson.

Why do you want to know?

Why? Oh.

Oh, Mork, I'm just being silly.

It's just that I haven't had a chance to chat with anyone since Kal left me.

Kal left you. I thought you said you left Kal.

I did? Well, we both left at the same time. Heh.

Wait a minute. You're trying to pull the Dacron over my eyes here. Wait.

Who do you think I am? The American people? Come on, now.

Oh, my little Morkie Pie.

What difference does it make?

Just as long as we're together.

Oh. Heh-heh.

[MORK CHUCKLES]

[FLICKING TONGUE]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know I'm irresistible, but I have a wife and child.

I can't support them, but I've got them.

No, no, no.

I just wanna know what pleases you.

I wanna know your joys,

- your problems. - No.

[MORK WHIMPERS]

Stand back! No.

Well, the only problems I have is I really can't find a decent FM station.

No, no, no, please, no, no, no, please, no, no, no, wait, time-out.

Now, let's look at this rationally.

You and I are married people.

And besides, I can't keep this up.

I mean, I'm beginning to hyperventilate. Please.

- Good, I just love a heavy breather. - Oh, no, no, no.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Daddy, are you telling her a story?

- What is going on? - Oh, Mind.

Mind, Mind, Mind.

Mind, Mind, you know me.

Nothing is going on. Nothing is going on here.

You know me. I'm straighter than Chinese children's bangs.

- Mearth, go to your room. - Ma…

I still think that someday this will make a very sensitive movie.

No, Mind, now, come on. No, no, no.

Mind, you know I'd never cheat on you.

Except in Monopoly when I'm the banker.

Mork,

I'm sure that there's a perfectly logical explanation.

MORK: Oh, there sure is.

And you've got five seconds to give it to me.

Oh, no pressure. Oh, Mind, she just can't keep her hands off me.

That's not the right thing to say. I know.

Tracy, come on, now. I mean, tell her, tell her.

Your marriage may be over, but we just got our monogrammed towels.

You take your hands off… Ah!

You didn't have to take her literally.

I have a feeling she's not from Chicago.

[ROBOTIC VOICE] What a pair of feebs.

I am programmed to extract

and transmit information for my master, Kal.

You're an android.

Affirmative. And I am also a bomb.

Oh, what a difference…

A bomb! Hide!

[BOMB TICKING]

Gosh, it's incredible.

What a mess.

MINDY: Are you all right?

Oh, Mommy,

I wouldn't count on getting my cleaning deposit back on this place.

Everything okay, Mork? Mork.

- You still think I'm paranoid, Mind? - No.

Kal is after us.

Oh…

We gotta find someplace where he won't go.

- Where? - I don't know.

I was hoping you'd know.

I can't leave. My guppy's expecting.

I'll go get the photo album and your jewelry.

- You get the Veg-O-Matic. - No.

We gotta get out of here before Kal comes back.

- Yeah, you're right. Come on, son. - Guppy's on her own.

Come on.

This stuff will all be here when we come back.

MINDY: I don't know, Mork.

I have a feeling we're never gonna see this place again.

Come on, we gotta get out of here.