Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

Hi, I'm home.

Ah, Mork, Mearth, I'm home from work.

What a day.

[CHUCKLES]

No, no, no, you keep your coat on, Mind,

because if we really haul rubber right now, we can get downtown,

we can go to the grocery store, the hardware store.

I've saved up enough coupons to buy a small Learjet. Now, come on.

Mork, I just got home from work.

I don't wanna run out the door again.

Come on, there's gotta be something in this house we can eat.

Oh, we just have that cheese that the president sent us.

Mearth, Mearth, come on, son. Move it, let's go.

I'm moving.

My clothes are standing still.

Hi, sweetheart. I know you're in there somewhere.

Whoa. Neat. Hey, listen, Mommy,

can you get someplace where there's air conditioning?

Sweetheart.

Just give me a minute to catch my breath, Mork.

I just walked in the door.

Oh, hon. Now, poor little, pooped-out pooter, don't worry.

Come on, you just sit down here

and we'll make you feel so much better.

- Mm-hm. - That's nice. Yes.

MORK: Now we feel better, don't we? - Mm-hm.

Mm, good. Now let's haul tush. Come on, let's go.

Mork, every time I come home,

I've gotta turn around and run out the door again.

There's gotta be some way you can handle these errands during the day.

Mind, Mind, Mind, it's not that easy.

- Well… - It isn't.

Come on, you guys, are you gonna go or aren't you?

- No. - Yes.

Are you or aren't you?

You know, I tell you something both.

I'm beginning to sweat as much as Orson Welles chasing a Frisbee.

Right, we forgot about you under there.

Here, let me help you.

Well, Daddy sure kept you warm, didn't he?

I don't believe it.

I feel, Mommy, like a… Some kind of huge artichoke and it's just…

You're de-leafing me.

Or debriefing me.

Whichever.

Mork, you know it would be a lot easier for all of us

if you would learn how to drive.

You want me to drive some primitive vehicle financed by the government?

Come on now.

Mind, it'd be like asking the great Pelé to play soccer with a bee-bee.

Mork, look at it this way. What if something happened to Mearth

during the day, like a real emergency, what would you do?

Well, I'd do what I always do, fall apart.

Wouldn't it be a lot simpler if you learned how to drive a car?

I mean, really, Mork, it's a snap.

Like in some parts of the country, you can get your license at 14.

Oh, the same parts of the country where they marry at 8.

Listen, you two, I'm gonna tell you something, gently.

I've had it right up to… say here.

Okay? I'm going into the bedroom.

If I'm not called for dinner within an hour,

remember this, I can get awfully cranky.

[GROWLS]

Think about it.

Oh, Mork, have it your way. But I'll tell you, I think it's a shame.

If you had your license, just think, you could drive those 6 long miles

to the arcade and play "Pac-Man."

But if you wanna stand on the curb sniffing at life's exhaust,

that's your prerogative.

- I'm Stirling Moss. - And I'll be Jackie Stewart.

Great, great, great.

[BABBLING]

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] Gonna be great today.

There we go.

[MIMICS ENGINE]

Oh, I forgot to start mine. How silly.

Don't touch the automobile. It'll be cursed.

Oh, I forgot to wear my goggles.

These flies are hitting my eyes.

[BOTH YELLING]

All right, enough's enough. Okay.

All right, now, Mearth,

Mommy's gonna ask you to do a big favor,

and that's help me teach Daddy how to drive, okay?

And that means, shh, be quiet. That's great.

- Oh, come on. - You pay attention.

Okay, now…

My understanding was,

that this was gonna be a lot of family fun.

Well, no, Mearth, we're not on a family trip.

We're just gonna sit in the car.

Well, then we're very much overly packed.

Okay, Mork.

Now…

[TOY CHIRPING]

You gave it to me.

Okay.

You've seen me drive before, all right?

- Mommy. - Hm?

Are we there yet?

Sweetheart, I told you, we're not going anywhere.

We're sitting in the garage.

But why don't you pretend we're going on a family trip, okay?

Okay. But that's what I mean. Are we there yet?

Almost.

Ready?

All right, now, this is the ignition.

To start the engine, you put your key in and turn it.

Key. That means I'll need a key chain. Oh, Mind, that's wonderful,

because maybe I can get one with a cowboy boot on the end.

Or one with a piece of Tupperware, or one with a bagel that says:

"Nosh, nosh, who's there?"

Mork, forget the key chain, it's not important, okay?

Are you kidding, Mind? Style is everything to me.

Okay, back on the track.

Now, this is a standard transmission.

That means you have to change the gears

by using the gearshift.

Ooh, so that's what that's for.

Yeah. What'd you think it was for, churning butter?

It doesn't really matter what I thought.

Oh. Okay, now, what you do to do that,

you take your foot off the gas and depress the clutch.

Depress the clutch.

Clutch, have you ever seen the movie Brian's Song?

How about that last Ali fight, huh?

Mommy, Mommy.

- What, Mearth? - Mommy, I'm getting car sick.

- No. - I am, I am, I am.

You know, sweetheart, so am I.

You know, I have come to the realization

that I don't have the ability to teach you how to drive.

In fact, I know for sure I don't have the patience.

I think you should go to a driving school.

- Does that mean the lesson's over? - Yes.

- You know what that means, son? - Yes, I do.

Back to the Grand Prix, eh?

[MIMICS ENGINE ROARING]

[SINGING] Oh, what a day Let me say

When you drive in your way You can say

[BOTH SHOUTING]

No, I'm not coming into the pits now!

I'm not coming into the pits! No, don't touch my arm!

- Aah! - Oh, let my arm go! Let my arm…!

- They got my arm! He's got my arm! - What is…? Forget that.

Oh, let it alone! Agh!

Oh, the police are following us.

- There's the queen. - Oh, well, hello.

- The regular queen. - Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, queen.

Ha, ha! As I live and breathe, Todd Norman Taylor.

TNT, that's my initials and my lifestyle,

a megaton of fun and a pretty fair limbo dancer.

Ow!

Hey, where's my hug?

We're a couple of today guys, aren't we, huh? No macho hang-ups.

How I missed you.

I wish we could share something shallow,

but my driving instructor's on the way over.

Oh, yeah? Well, time's up.

Oh, huzzah, huzzah, boom-bah!

Whoa, for sure, totally gnarly.

Wait a minute. I gotta show you something.

I've already picked out my bumper sticker.

Look at this.

"Aliens make better lovers."

And look at this one here.

It says, "Horn if you're a honky."

That's real trendy, Mork, real cute. Heh.

But if you're gonna be king of the road, you're gonna have to get serious.

A lot of things you're gonna have to learn.

For example, you know where to stash your Binaca?

No.

You know how to drive with your wrist?

More important, do you know how to look cool

when a lit cigarette falls between your legs?

Teach me, O guru of the gearshift, my motor mentor.

Numero uno.

No matter how treacherous the road conditions,

always, always stop for female hitchhikers.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm married.

Married? Ugh!

The ultimate social disease.

Sorry, I didn't know.

That's all right, you still have a year to pick out our wedding gift.

Questione:

If you're not out cruising for skirts, why do you wanna learn how to drive?

If cars didn't turn on women, you wouldn't catch me in those death traps

for all the musk oil in Cleveland. Heh, heh.

Death trap? As in:

[MIMICS TIRES SCREECHING AND EXPLOSION]

…death trap?

Oh, man, no. Come on, if it's that bad, why are you a driving instructor?

Teenage girls with learner's permits.

I got the boss jacket for free.

Come on now, you… I mean, you gotta be kidding there.

Yeah, it's not really that bad, is it? It's not dangerous.

Dangerous?

Mork-o, it's slaughter alley out there.

Don't you ever watch CHiPs?

How'd you like to get Rolfed by 3 tons of cold, hard steel, huh?

You're right. I'll just have to drive like a senior citizen looking for an address.

Go by me, go by me.

Well, that's real good, except then you'll be a real easy target.

Those people are out looking for blood.

But, hey, take the Zen view.

You can only have one fatal accident.

MORK: No.

No! No!

- Mork. Mork. - Aah!

Wake up. You're just having a nightmare, and you're off key.

Oh, Mind, it was a real nightmare. It was worse than that dream I had

where I was trapped with the three seminary students

and the animal therapist who kept saying,

"Let the hamster have his space."

Oh, Mork, just relax.

You're just having a bad dream. Everybody does.

Just try to shake it off and think of something pleasant.

Go back to sleep. You wanna be fresh for your test tomorrow.

Mind, Mind, I'm not taking that test tomorrow.

No, no, no, this dream was a sign.

It was a warning from beyond, Mind.

I mean, I don't wanna end up as a subject of some pop-maudlin hit:

[SINGS] We knew him well But he's windshield dust now

Are you subtly trying to tell me

you're not gonna take your driving test tomorrow?

I'm just trying to tell you I'm never gonna get in a car again.

Night, Mind.

You sleep well.

Mind?

Yes?

What's this copy of Playgirl doing under here?

Mork, look, why don't you just

describe your dream to me and maybe I can help you analyze it,

then you'll see there's nothing to be worried about.

- Well, all right. - Okay.

All right, I'll try.

Let me see now.

It'll just take a moment to get into this.

[HUMMING "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME]

Okay, I remember now, Mind.

I was on this road and it's very, very, very thick fog.

I try to run, but I can't.

I try to scream, but I can't.

I try to rumba, I win second prize.

What does this have to do with driving?

What are you, a dream critic? Come on, honey.

- And then… Then it happened. - What?

I felt this icy-cold hand touch me here,

and it sent a chill down my spine.

I look back.

It was him.

Who?

It was Satan.

The devil, Beelzebub.

Stop.

Mork.

Oh, Mind, I mean, it had to be him.

I mean, how many men do you know that have little hooves?

Oh, his eyes, Mind.

I remember his eyes. They were like a combination

of Ming the Merciless and Nancy Reagan.

And then he looked at me,

and a long, bony finger pointed and said, "You're next."

I…

And then the next thing I remember, there I was, seat-belted into a hearse

and there's no one driving,

and the hearse is going down a long hill towards a tunnel,

and I'm screaming, going, "No! No!"

And the next thing you know,

I'm in a beauty parlor having electrolysis.

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.

Oh, Mork, calm down.

I mean, I think that, under the circumstances,

what you're experiencing is perfectly normal.

You mean everybody has dreams like that?

Well, no.

Well, yeah, sort of.

But everybody is afraid of taking their driver's test.

I know I sure was.

I was so scared.

But I took it and I passed and I was so excited.

As a matter of fact, I remember the day I passed,

my dad gave me the car.

And I went and picked up my girlfriends:

Perchy and Mellat and Susie. And we went to the record store

and bought the new Herman's Hermits album.

Remember that?

Anyway, so then we went to the A&W to celebrate, and I had an…

I had a root beer.

No, no. No, Mellat had the root beer, I had a cherry Coke.

We were trying to impress these guys in the other car.

I was holding my cherry Coke like this and I poured it down the front of me.

We tried to get napkins from the guy, but he didn't have any.

- Mind, Mind. - Yeah?

I'll make you a deal.

I'll take my driving test if you don't finish that story.

I can take a hint.

Okay, it's a deal.

Good night.

Mind?

What?

Are you mad at me?

Oh.

Well, kind of, Mork.

I mean, you cut me off.

You cut me off like you did that time we went to the grocery store

and I was trying to make spaghetti, remember that?

And we were buying all the…

No, no, I was making meat loaf.

Anyway, I was buying the tomato sauce and the onions and…

[MORK SNORING]

Well, other people like my stories.

I did it. I did it.

- I did, did, did it, hey! - I did, did, did it, hey!

Well, I hate to rain on your parade, but that was just the eye test.

You mean there's more?

Never fear, TNT is here,

guiding you from gear to gear. Check.

How are you doing, TNT?

- Hey, crazy lady. - Hi.

Brought you a wedding present.

You did? Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Try to buy that in a store.

Gee, thanks.

It's returnable.

Have you met our son…? Uh, son…? Sonny?

- His name's Sonny. Sonny. - Sonny.

Sorry to hear about you and Cher. Hoo!

Whoa, I'm hot today.

So you're TNT.

Take these.

Mm.

Here we go, bye-bye.

[MIMICS EXPLOSION]

Oh, TNT, I'm so glad you're here.

Nothing stands between me and my personalized license plate.

How do you like this one?

R-R-R. Get it?

[BARKING]

Mork 12.

Boy, that'd be…

You're next.

- Mind, Mind, it's him. - Who?

Beelzebub.

He's no…

MAN: Try to avoid those garbage bags.

Bear to the right.

Isn't that bad for the tires?

Only two of them.

Boy, that was great.

- Did you do that on your driver's test? - No.

Would you try to avoid those parked cars?

Parked cars? Aah!

There were no parked cars in my dream.

Shazbot!

[YELLS]

[LAUGHING]

Mind.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Stop. I'm too virile to die.

Please, Lord, get me out of this

and I'll donate all my chains to Parents Without Partners.

Another right turn, please.

Sadist.

Watch out! Get down!

Get funky.

I'm satisfied with your work on the test course.

I think it's time for the highway section of the test. Ha-ha-ha!

MORK: It's him! It's him! Mindy, anybody.

Mayday. Mayday.

Now I know how Ed Sullivan felt.

Kiss me good night, Daddy.

Listen, Daddy, I was just thinking, maybe I could fix you

a nice, big, hot cup of cocoa with a marshmallow in it

and maybe a goldfish sandwich.

- Mearth. - I know, no mustard.

Oh, isn't that sweet of him, Mind?

Unlike you who tried to send me to my doom.

He's turning on us.

Mearth, why don't you go up to your room

so Dad and I can have a talk?

Okay, okay. I tell you what,

I think you should maybe rub him on the tummy like this.

That's what I always do with Teddy.

Only with Teddy, when I rub him and keep rubbing,

he never closes his eyes.

Oh, come on, Mork, don't be so depressed.

So you'll take the test another time.

Yeah, well, if I don't take it again, Mearth will think I'm a quitter.

Yeah, he might.

- He'll think I'm a coward. - Maybe.

- He'll lose all respect for me. - Possibly.

I can live with that.

Mork, so you failed your driving test.

It's not the end of the world.

Oh, easy for you to say, Mind.

I mean, I've never failed before.

I mean, now I'm an inferior superior being.

Oh, Mind, Mind. I mean, even Richard Dawson wouldn't kiss me now.

Sit down.

Oh, Mork.

[BOTH GROAN]

I might not have been able to help you learn to drive,

but there is one thing I do know about, and that's failure.

- See, there was this time… - Mind.

Are you gonna tell that spelling bee story again?

Well, I was.

All right, the simple truth is, Mork, I mean, everybody fails sometimes.

Even Buddy Ebsen?

Yeah, sure, probably.

I mean, nobody's perfect.

I mean, sometimes you succeed and sometimes you don't.

- That's what makes you human. - Well, I'm not a human, Mind.

All right, all right.

What I'm trying to say is,

just because you failed doesn't make you a failure.

Yeah, but it still hurts.

I know it does, sweetheart.

And the only way to prevent that hurt is to go back in there and try again.

Now, put everything behind you and think positive.

I know you can pass that test, so go in there and try it.

You can do it. I know you can.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can.

And you know what? I think I can.

No, I really can. Yeah, I can.

I'm gonna do it. I really am.

But just in case, I'm gonna dress up as an old lady so they'll give me a break.

That's the Mork I know.

Oh, Mind. Do me a favor.

If we go someplace formal tonight, will you paint a tie on here?