Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

Only my husband would buy out the entire airport gift shop

in his own hometown.

Will you take off the silly hat?

You look like a character from Tumbleweeds.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mind. I had to do something though.

I really miss our little bouncing baby-man.

I do too. I'm gonna miss Mearth.

Oh, but it's good for him to be with Dad in Florida.

Just think, they'll camp out, sleep under the stars, swat mosquitoes.

Yeah. Wait a minute.

- That's how Deliverance started. - Heh.

It'll be a good experience for him.

Anyway, you know, we could really use the time together.

You think about it, Mork, the baby was born as soon as we got married.

We never had an opportunity to spend time together

as just husband and wife.

I'm still gonna miss the little buggerpoo.

Yeah.

Sneaking around with his Polaroid, trying to take pictures of us

- in compromising positions. - Yeah. Ha-ha.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss waking up to,

"Mommy, how come you look so different in the morning?"

And when I go to the park, who's gonna push me on the swing?

Boy, listen to us.

I think there's more to our marriage than just being parents.

Just think, we can spend a whole week together, just the two of us.

You got any ideas?

Well, there's an exciting new series on TV

where the Osmond Family plays the Donner Party.

I think we can do better

than sitting around watching television.

I really had something a little more exciting and exotic in mind.

Well, we could buy a parrot.

And teach it to talk dirty.

Mind, come on, I was kidding. You know what I'm talking about.

I know we're a couple of vibrant young people

that wear trendy clothes.

You know, the world belongs to us and the OPEC nations.

- You smooth talker, you. - Mm… Mm-hm-hm-hm.

- Mm. - Aah!

[PHONE RINGING]

Mork! The telephone.

[MINDY LAUGHING]

Mork.

Shh! Stop it! Hello.

Yes, this is Mindy. Wait one second, please.

Mork, will you stop it?

Wait, I'll be off in a minute. I'll be off in a minute.

Shh, shh, shh.

Hello? Yes, I'm back.

Now?

Yeah, but what about Dewey Fishbeck?

Yes, sir. Okay, I'll be right over.

Bye. Oh, God.

Mork.

This isn't the way I wanted to start our week,

but I've gotta go meet the camera crew.

A used car dealer's been kidnapped,

and nobody wants to pay the ransom.

- Or cover the story. - Oh, look, I understand, Mind.

Business before pleasure.

But don't worry, tonight when you come home, I'll give you Magic.

And if I can't get him, I'll get Kareem. Ha.

[SITAR MUSIC PLAYS]

Hello? No.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

You know the words to this song.

[SINGING] My boyfriend's back

And there's gonna be trouble

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

My boyfriend's back

Mork, are the Arafats coming for bridge?

No, no, Mind, I would like to welcome you

to the wonderful world of Middle-Eastern cuisine.

Welcome to Moroccafeller Center.

If you're very nice to me, I might be able to get you your passport back.

[LAUGHS]

This is great. Everything looks so Moroccan.

The pillows. Your falafel outfit. And the music.

Yes, I taped it off this great Middle-Eastern station, K-FEZ.

Talk about 16 with a bullet.

Gee, Mork, you went to all this trouble.

I feel like I should go to the river and do our laundry.

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind, don't be afraid,

because I have made you an incredible, original Moroccan meal.

Totally traditional because I went out and begged for the ingredients.

Sit down.

- There we go. - This how I'm supposed to sit?

Well, that is if you're Yogi Berra. "Yo, right in there."

We must begin, first of all, by the traditional washing of the hands,

which is traditional in most Moroccan meals and some Moroccan surgery.

Dip your hands in there. There we go.

- Feels like dish-washing liquid. - It is, and you're soaking in it.

There we go. There we go. And now we must do the feet.

No. I'm not gonna eat with my feet.

Oh. Damn, there goes dessert.

- Mork, just sit down. Let's talk. - All right, my dear.

My little macaroon.

Mork, I love that you did this for me.

- Oh… - You know…

[BELL RINGS]

Oh, we'll have time for some chat later,

but first, I must serve you the first course,

the traditional Moroccan appetizer.

Hold on and I will see, I will try to pronounce it for you.

Let's see if I can pronounce it.

Fruit cocktail.

What's Moroccan about that?

Well, when I opened the can, it went:

[SINGING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

A little Slim Whitman.

You're gonna love the next course. Couscous and mahi-mahi.

I got the recipe from Lu-Lu in Walla Walla.

How she got the recipe, I'll never know-know-know.

Um, there's no silverware. We're supposed to eat with our fingers?

Yes, because all the silverware is used in Morocco to tunnel out of prison.

First of all, you must take some of this.

And… Be careful there. Don't dip in the food.

You can dip, but don't dip.

Take a piece of this and take some… And put some of that in there like this.

And then you savor the taste.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh. Heh-heh.

MINDY: Ooh. MORK: Mm.

It's so hard to get fresh camel lips in Boulder, Mind.

- Ooh. - Oh…

- You know, Mork, I have a confession. - What, Mind?

I was afraid that with Mearth gone we wouldn't have anything to talk about.

Oh, Mind, we'll have plenty of things to talk about, but after this.

- Oh, what? - Ha-ha. You'll see.

Oh.

- Who is that? - Oh, sorry. Fatima, Mindy.

Mindy, Fatima.

I would have gotten a snake-charmer, but his kid was having a Bar Mitzvah.

- Well, it's different. MORK: Oh, it is.

Not what I expected.

I think she wants to dance with you, Mind.

Uh, well, you go ahead.

My navel jewel's off being appraised.

It won't be the same effect without a halter top.

[MORK CHUCKLES]

Ooh…

[BELL RINGS]

Oh. Round two. You and Fatima chat.

Maybe you can ask where she got these wonderful clothes.

[MINDY CHUCKLING]

You dance really well.

You know, Casablanca was my favorite film.

Specialty of the house,

- the shish kebab. MINDY: Oh, Mork.

Or in the very elegant restaurants, "shish ke-Robert."

Since the beginning, we must have some more spices,

a little brandy there. Mm-mm-mm.

You can never have too much of this on there, huh?

Yeah, now, wait a minute.

Is that supposed to be on fire?

Well, it's kind of academic, Mind, because it is now.

- Looks kind of hot. - Well, don't panic.

I know how to deal with this. Don't panic at all. Fire!

Fire!

Mind, Mind.

Mind, Mind. Oh, don't make a mess, hon.

There. Well…

- It's all right now. - Yeah, it's all right.

Next time, you schlep to Moroccan Town

and barter with the man with one tooth going,

"You must buy this. You must buy this."

Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry I ruined our perfect evening, Mind.

I'm just tragedy's pawn.

I feel like an outer space Eddie Fisher.

Oh, Mork, it was no tragedy.

Nobody was hurt.

You call burning up lamb at $9 a pound no tragedy?

Believe me, there are worse things in life.

I'm glad you feel that way, Mindy,

because I think Fatima danced out of here with our toaster oven.

Oh, Mork, I love what you tried to do.

- But now the fire's out, - Uh-huh.

- And Fatima's out, - Mm.

And we're alone.

Ah, you're right. We don't need external stimuli.

We can make our own chemistry, huh?

We'll have our own little Fourth of July without the vandalism.

[MINDY LAUGHS]

MORK: Mm. Mm.

[MORK SIGHS]

Mm. Hm.

[MORK CHUCKLES]

You know that something…

Oh, no, you go… Oh. Oh. Oh…

- Oh, no, go ahead. - Oh, no, you. I insist.

Well, all right, I'll go.

You know, there's something that's been bugging me

- ever since I landed on Earth. - What?

You know that song "This Old Man"?

When he hits 12, what's he play knick-knack on?

You actually wonder about things like that?

You know when you get a song in your head…

Boing, boing, boing, boing.

- I don't know. - Oh. Well, me too.

Yeah.

[WHISTLING "THIS OLD MAN"]

Catchy song, isn't it?

Oh.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Ow, this is great! - Great? We haven't said a word.

No, look, I found a bicentennial quarter.

- That's wonderful, Mind. - Oh, Mork, this is silly.

Look at us. We're as uncomfortable as a pair of teenagers on a blind date.

We must have something to talk about.

Well, what do you want me to say, Mind?

Well, I don't know. Anything. Ask me how work was.

All right, how was work?

Somebody parked in my parking place today.

Boy, that's life in the big city, huh?

Want me to ask how your lunch was?

Oh, no. You're not supposed to have to ask what to ask.

- We're having a conversation. - Oh, no, Mind.

I mean, besides, I didn't know I have to ask what I have to ask

when I don't know what I wanna ask when I wanna ask it.

So now you're getting defensive?

I'm not getting defensive. You're out of line.

Mork, what's wrong with a husband and wife trying to have a conversation?

I mean, look, our lives have been moving so fast.

We haven't had a chance to talk about hardly anything.

- Like what? - Well, like…

All right, for example, you've never said whether you like being married or not.

- I do. - Well, why?

- Well, lots of reasons. - Well, give me one.

Well, all right.

- The bed's warmer. - Oh, that's it.

Mind, if you wanted snappy repartee,

you should have married William F. Buckley.

[IMITATING BUCKLEY] "I find the institution of marriage quite appealing."

I'm sorry, Mork. I love you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, why?

Okay. Well,

because you're warm and sensitive

and unpredictable.

And you're right, the bed is warmer.

Now, don't you have something you'd like to say to me?

- Yes. - What?

You have a big piece of couscous in your teeth.

Can't you be serious for a minute? I just opened up to you.

- Can't you tell me how you feel? - Oh, you already know that.

- I'd like to hear it. - I'm sure you would.

Probably right now, maybe? Oh, okay, just give me a micro-bleam here.

It's just a… Shelf!

- Shelf? - That's it, Mind.

[SINGING] This old man, he plays 12

He hits knick-knack on my shelf

All right, that's it. Just forget it. I'm sorry I brought the whole thing up.

Oh, who is not communicating now, Miss Marshall McLuhan?

Well, what's the point in communicating with someone

- who's got nothing to say? - Oh, maybe I would

if I wasn't being interrogated by the Boulder Gestapo.

- Gestapo? - Yeah, and I haven't even started yet.

Well, you've got a lot of nerve calling me names, space boy.

Oh, to the moon, Alice!

Well, I've got something I'd like to say to you.

[SPEAKING IN ORKAN]

Shiksa!

MINDY: Oh, if you think…

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

MORK: Oh, Mind?

I've cooled off now, hon.

[RATTLING]

I'm really cooled off now, hon, because I'm locked out.

Honey?

Little pooterama?

Ha-ha-ha. Fun's fun, hon. The bed's not gonna be as warm.

MORK: Be careful. There you go. Come on, couple more steps.

Watch out there. There we go.

You look like you're on What's My Line?

Come on. No, no, that's all right.

Now, take one step up. Take a step up. There we go, one step up.

Now, when you open your eyes, you're not gonna be mad at me anymore.

Yeah? Well, we'd better be in Paris.

Well, take one step forward,

two steps to the left, and you're gonna be at the greatest place on earth,

next to Burt Reynolds' Dinner Theater in Jupiter, Florida.

- Where are we? - Come on, Mind, what are you, blind?

Oh.

Sorry. Boy, Mind, how about this for a blast from the past, huh?

Well, don't you know where we are? Well, wait.

Okay, imagine there are no walls here, the snow has melted,

and there are beer cans over there

- shimmering in the full moon. - Mork, where are we?

All right, I'll give you another hint. Sounds like the place we first met.

- Here? - No, no, here.

There was a rock that says, "Chi-Chi Loves Lumpy."

- Oh, yeah. Oh, now I remember. - Yeah.

You had your suit on backwards.

Yeah, I almost choked to death trying to tie the tie.

- Ha-ha-ha. I thought you were a priest. - Yeah.

I was just glad that your mouth was on your face.

[MINDY CHUCKLES]

Oh, Mind, I feel a sudden flood of emotions. I feel just like a salmon.

BOTH: Oh…

[WORKERS CHATTERING AND WHISTLING]

Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer. Okay? Yo!

Yaddy-yaddy-yadda.

- Roofers. Heh. - Yeah.

Mork, thanks for the sentimental journey to the past, but let's go home.

Oh, no, we can't leave. I mean, it's too important.

We don't wanna end up like the League of Nations.

Mork, you can't honestly believe that just by coming back to a place like this,

- it can change anything. - Oh, yes, I do.

[WORKERS CHATTERING AND WHISTLING]

Knock it off, for crying out loud! Show some decorum around here.

[WORKERS SCOFFING]

Shut up! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, folks.

Please, I apologize. Try to excuse the fellas.

It's just that they're not romantics, you know, like myself.

Just last week, I, uh… I bought my wife a cappuccino machine.

[MINDY CHUCKLES]

Oh, we didn't mean to barge in. In fact, we were just leaving.

Oh, you're not the couple that's buying this place?

- No. - On her salary? Are you kidding?

Heh. Arg, arg.

Looky-loos, huh?

No, actually, this is the place where we first met

when it was all still wilderness.

PHIL: Really? - Yeah.

- But we are just gonna be on our way. - Leave? No!

You can't leave now and ruin this beautiful warm moment.

No, no, no. I won't hear of it.

But we do have a little bit of an insurance problem here.

Hey, Luke, give me a couple of hard hats down here.

One for you, pal.

There we go. One for the lady.

Mam'selle, here you are. I might say you look divine in green.

Come on now, tell me, how did you two meet?

Oh, well, you know, typical stuff, boy meets girl…

Come on, you can tell me. We're like old friends now.

- No, I don't wanna. It's dumb. - No, it's not, Mind.

Well, you see, she was out with this creep and then he dumped her

- and he took off in her jeep. - That's not true.

He… I happened to dump him. He just took my jeep.

See, that's the part where I came in.

I was sent to Earth to observe,

and my eggship landed, well, about 40 feet over there.

Then I came out with my suit on backwards and I said:

[SPEAKS IN ORKAN]

And then I met her and, you know, then we started living together

and we recently got married and a month ago my son was just hatched.

- Oh-ho-ho. - That's nothing.

You wanna hear a real story?

I just wanna tell you how I first met Mitzi.

All right? I was at Petaluma, right?

You know, for the arm-wrestling tournaments.

Turned around one day and there she was, Mitzi.

Like a vision, like a Venus de Milo in a Harley-Davidson T-shirt.

And she pinned that other chick in five seconds flat.

Broke her wrist. Heh.

That's a beautiful story.

Sure beats the sap out of mine.

I gotta get back to work.

Listen, you kids stay here as long as you want.

You understand? You know, enjoy yourself.

Okay, bye.

I might just go two out of three with Mitzi tonight.

She'll let me win. She always does. She's crazy about me.

Well, who wouldn't be? Ha-ha-ha.

How could you tell a total stranger where you're really from?

Oh, Mind, loose-lips moi.

I'm so muddled and confused recently,

I feel like a Vietnamese child adopted by a Southern family.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I know, I've been feeling badly too.

I just can't seem to make things get together for us, Mind.

I mean, what am I doing wrong?

I don't know, Mork. If I did, I'd tell you.

You know how to do origami and you don't know how to do this?

I wonder what makes it so hard.

Well, if you think about it, it was never easy.

I mean, once you shrunk to the size of a beer nut.

I've been cloned, and on our wedding day,

Orson turned you into a dog.

We've been through almost as much as Loretta Lynn

before her sweet 16 party.

If we can get through that, why can't we get through this?

I don't know.

It seems like since we've gotten married,

everything seems so much more important.

- Even our failures. - Oh, Mind, we're not failing.

I know what failure means.

I tried to argue with the phone company about a bill once.

You ever been on hold for a day?

Well, I guess we can't expect to know all the answers.

Just because we're married, we think we're supposed to.

Yeah. When I thought we were gonna be alone again,

boy, did I panic.

I know, but at least you tried.

I just pushed. I got so uncomfortable.

I kept trying to make you say things I wanted to hear.

- That isn't us. - Yeah. But this is us, isn't it, huh?

Oh, Mork, we've got so much going for us.

We don't need to have exotic dinners or pull crazy stunts

to prove that we love each other.

Yeah, I guess you're right, Mind.

Eh. Ah.

Won't be needing these.

Oh, there we go.

Oh, Mork, I love you.

Oh, I love you too, Mind. And now I finally can say why.

[ELECTRIC SAW WHINING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

And you look great naked!

[WORKERS CHATTERING AND WHISTLING]

- Thank you. - Oh, now, Mind,

you know, relating has its place, but you know what's really nice?

Well, it's to sit here, hold hands,

- watch the sun set over the wet bar. - Heh-heh.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

PHIL: Come on, kiss her already.

It's almost Miller time!

[WORKERS CHATTERING]

WORKERS: Aw!