Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

MEARTH: What is this stuff? MINDY: We've got a surprise for you.

Chinese food!

This looks like boiled grass.

Look. Ooh.

- Pass it over. - Careful, Mearth.

Oh, dandruff.

- Oh, I love this so. - Oh, my.

Oh, oh, oh.

Fish net.

Whale skin, whale skin.

- Hold on now, what's this? - It's just what it is.

- It's just orange, eat it. - Orange. It's sweet. I'm hypoglycemic.

- Gran-pop, let me ask you something. FRED: Mm-hm.

Do they have American carry-outs in China?

- Uh, no, not yet. - No, but every religious holiday,

all the Chinese people go downtown for Jewish food.

Oh, I'm a very inquisitive child. You probably noticed that.

And you know something? I believe I'm truly ready for school.

All the other children are going to school. Why aren't I going to school?

Son, your mother and I can teach you everything you need to know at home.

I mean, Abraham Lincoln studied at home.

- Who's he? - Mind?

Well, Mearth, Abraham Lincoln was our 16th president.

I just feel weird. I just feel different, that's all.

I should be going to school like the rest of the children, that's all.

I should be going to school.

Son, you don't need to go to school.

I mean, since Jeopardy's been canceled, what do you need to know?

I mean, you can always get a job on Family Feud.

Show me mayonnaise.

Sweetheart, an education is very important.

And we're gonna see that you get a good one somehow.

You're not old enough for school yet.

Besides, there's plenty of time for school.

Think of all the fun you're having around home.

You have got to be kidding.

You think it's fun just going upstairs and coming back downstairs

and occasionally having some Chinese food?

Do you call that living?

Mearth.

- Sweetheart. - No!

Sweetheart, you're a special little boy

and you're just gonna have to be patient till we make…

Mearth. We make special arrangements.

No! No.

Mearth, now mellow out. Mellow out.

"Mellow out, mellow out." I wanna go to school.

I wanna be like the rest of the children. I'm not going to sit here

with four or five boxes of empty goldfish cartons.

I wanna go to school.

That's enough, young man. Go to your room.

- I said, I wanted to go to school. - Go up now.

[MEARTH GROANING]

It really didn't hurt me at all.

You just happened to crush my Karl Malden picture.

School. I'm going.

I wanna go to school and I said I wanted to go to school.

I'm going.

Uh, Mork, I don't mean to interfere,

but I think you've got a big problem on your hands.

ORSON: Psst.

Psst.

Not now, Mork. I've gotta get up in the morning.

ORSON: It's not Mork. It's Orson.

Orson.

Um, where are you?

ORSON: I'm using the speaker in Mork's ear.

You and I need to have a talk.

- Now? ORSON: Yes, now.

I'm not here to make an appointment with you.

But I'm not gonna go into Mork's head. That's an invasion of his privacy.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

But then he and I never did have any secrets.

How do I do this again?

Mindy calling Orson, come in, Orson.

[MORK SNORES]

Mindy calling Orson, come in, Orson.

Mindy calling Orson.

Yo, your space Mountainship!

Oh, that was a mistake. I apologize.

I don't know where that came from. I really didn't mean to say that.

ORSON: You're excused.

When you're using Mork's mind, there's bound to be some ill effects.

Could you turn the heat up? It's kind of cold in here.

ORSON: Sorry, Mork's mind isn't equipped with a thermostat.

I told him to insulate.

Coffee. Thank you.

ORSON: So how's the family?

- Oh, they're just… ORSON: Enough small talk.

Where's the application Mork promised to fill out?

Well… For what?

ORSON: I want Mearth's application for Ork Prep.

I sent it to Mork bleams ago and I haven't heard from him since.

Oh… So that's why Mork was acting so strange at dinner.

And I thought it was the MSG.

ORSON: What?

Never mind.

Um, Orson, I don't know how I feel

about Mearth going away to school on Ork.

ORSON: You'll love it.

He'll only go to school one day a month, Earth time.

- He'll commute. - How?

Air Ork's H-28 transport beam has merged with Glibthansa

and is now servicing the greater Earth area.

Well, uh, I'll discuss it with Mork and then we'll get back to you.

ORSON: There will be no discussion.

The application will be completed and on my desk in the morning.

Thank you for the coffee. It was delicious.

ORSON: My secret is egg shells in the grounds.

You know, my grandmother used to do that.

ORSON: Who cares? Na-no, na-no.

Oh, uh, na-no, na-no to you too, sir.

Aha!

Sneaking around with Orson behind my brain?

What were you two doing? Hmm? Huh? Hmm?

Oh, I know. Wait a minute. I'll take the positive approach.

You were planning a surprise party for me. Okay, I'll play along.

Oh, no. A belt sander. You shouldn't have.

- Oh, honey, honey, honey. - Mork.

"Pooter," little "pooter." Oh.

I'm so surprised. Just when I thought everybody had forgotten.

Mork, why didn't you tell me about the application to Ork Prep?

Does this mean there's no surprise party, Mind?

Oh, Mind, you know, well, preppies can be such snobs, Mind,

you know, "Biffy, a Krugerrand seems to have fallen out of your loafer."

No. Muffy, come here, chap.

"Take that alligator off your shirt, it's been dead for a month now."

Mearth has to go to school.

And he's gotta be around kids like himself to be able to learn.

Yeah, Mind, but there's no substitute for experience.

I mean, look at me. I know all the hosts of Real People.

Let's see, Skip Stephenson, John Barbour,

Sara Purcell, and that black guy.

Why don't you want Mearth to go to school?

The truth of the matter is, Mind,

he's growing up and he won't need me.

I mean, I should just go sit in the shed with his training wheels.

And that tire that he uses for a teething ring.

Mork, Mearth needs you now more than ever.

Look, you know all about Ork. You can answer his questions.

And, anyway, it's only one day a month.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. I feel a little self-indulgent recently.

I feel like Ronald Reagan at a budget meeting.

So, what do you say we get to that old application?

Well, can't it wait till the morning?

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

That's all right, just one little page anyway.

I hid it in Merv Griffin's autobiography.

I thought nobody'd ever look in here.

Hurry up, Mearth, you're gonna be late.

Oh, Mommy, Daddy, I'm all ready for school.

Look at me.

Yes.

Oh, I shined my shoes until they're almost silver.

I shaved my face so close so that other children can identify with me.

Oh, no, Mind, I can't take it.

It seems like he was hatched just yesterday.

Don't worry, Dad, I'll be home this afternoon.

Yeah, but that means I'll have to watch People's Court alone.

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.

We agreed there wasn't going to be a scene.

Oh, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Daddy was a little emotional, but he's over it now.

Like the time that he heard that Tom Snyder was quitting.

[BEAM BEEPS]

That's it. There's the school beam now.

All right, son, you take care and you make me real proud of you.

Remember, at school you join the band, don't be the organ carrier.

Oh, they're hairy.

[LAUGHING]

Here, sweetheart.

You have a good day, okay? I'll see you when you get home.

Okay.

Gosh, well, Mommy, Daddy, I'm still here.

You might just be a big…

Oh, Mind, he's gone.

So is my couch, Mork.

MINDY: What are you doing?

Would you believe it? I'm cleaning my oven.

How are they biting?

Not too bad. I had one little 5-foot Avon lady, but she got away.

Mork, just because the baby's gone away to school

is no reason to go crazy.

All right, Mind, got a bite. Wait.

Our mail. Yay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Maybe it's a letter from him.

Oh, it's my Book of the Month Club. Gary Coleman: The Early Years.

Mork, do you realize how long it's been since we've been together alone?

Isn't there anything that you could think of that the two of us

might do on a snowy afternoon?

We could have our second annual Punt, Pass and Kick competition.

Oh, yay, huzzah, he's returned!

Yo, my boy, my boy, my son, my son, my son.

Oh, huzzah, huzzah, it's him, it's him, it's him.

Mearth, what are you doing home? There's five hours left of school.

I hate it there and I'm not going back there.

I hate it!

I'm not going back there. I hate it!

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Well, besides that, son, how was your day?

Mearth, will you stop saying, "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it,"

- and just tell us what happened? - I hate it.

I do hate it. The kids call me names

and that teacher, Miss Geezba, oh, she's cruel.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

Is she still alive? Oh, I had Miss Geezba too.

Boy, Mind, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

This is not what I call a positive attitude.

Mind, you don't know Miss Geezba.

It's like saying disarmament to Alexander Haig.

Mearth, you know something?

I had teachers I didn't like too, but you know what?

They were usually the ones I learned the most from.

I just don't fit in any world.

This is just worse than being called Butchie, the dog-faced boy.

Oh, Mearth, sweetheart, don't you say that.

You're just the new kid in school and that's not easy.

Yeah, did you ever see Massacre at Central High?

You know what, Mearth?

I came home crying my first day at school too.

And I never would have gone back

if my mom and dad hadn't taken me to class.

Tell you what, how would you feel about going back to Ork Prep

if Daddy and I went with you?

Well, I'll see what Teddy says.

I only have trust in you.

Tell the truth, Teddy.

[MUTTERING]

He says yes.

Good.

Well, the two of you have a nice time.

The three of us will have a nice time, Mork.

I'm sure Miss Geezba will be very happy with the way you turned out.

I don't think so, Mind.

Once on a field trip to the sun, she made me wear a coat.

- I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. - I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

Wow. I've never had my molecules scattered all over the universe before.

- Am I all here? - Well, yes, except you're bald.

Made you look, made you look, made you look, Mind.

Oh, Mind, I'm just so happy to be back at school again, I'm sorry.

[MUTTERING]

- Hello. - Mearth.

Young man, we do not leave the room without getting a hall pass.

Excuse me, sweetheart, I'm Mearth's mother.

Could you tell me where Miss Geezba is?

I'm Miss Geezba and don't talk down to me.

- Mork. - Ma'am.

You still owe me a book report.

I'm sorry, ma'am. The last one burned up on re-entry.

Oh, please don't do that.

I don't want to have lobes hanging down to my knees.

See, I told you that she was tougher than a rawhide chew stick.

I'm talking about you.

Mearth.

Miss Geezba…

Uh, Mearth came home very upset,

and we were hoping we could talk to you about him

adjusting to this environment.

See here, I've been a teacher for 43 bleams,

and no one tells me how to run my classroom.

Now, I'm not trying to tell you how to run your business, you little…

It's just we were trying to make this a more positive experience for Mearth.

I'm sure everything will be fine

once Mearth gets to know the other children and our alphabet.

You're welcome to observe

as long as he behaves.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

What did I tell you? What did I tell you? She's the house of correction.

She is a mean, little, small person.

[BELL RINGS]

MORK: Oh, look, Mind, aren't they cute at this age?

Oh, Mearth, I missed you at recess.

I waited for you in the sandbox.

MORK: That's very nice. He's already made little friends.

I have a feeling she's everybody's little friend.

Oh, Earth-head,

Earth-head, listen,

uh, I'm sorry I was mean to you this morning.

- That's okay, Ovits. - Isn't that nice, Mearth?

I'll tell you what. Why don't we shake and make up?

- You're not kidding me? - Here's my hand. Ovits's hand.

[MEARTH GRUNTS THEN OVITS LAUGHING]

[MORK SHOUTING]

Fighting again, Mork? Take your seat.

Yes, ma'am.

But did you see what that other kid did? He…

No, I didn't. And no one likes a tattletale. Sit!

MEARTH: To hit a child.

To hit a child.

Sweetheart, you sit down and we'll be back there.

Mommy and Daddy, remember, no matter what happens,

I still love you.

Listen, Earth-head, if you don't want old Geezba to call on you,

when she asks a question, all you have to do is raise your hand.

Got it? Raise your hand when she asks a question,

- she won't pick on you. - Can I be sure of this, Ovits?

What are friends for?

Class, can anyone tell me who invented the flying saucer?

Mearth?

[LAUGHS]

- Well, Mearth? - Benjamin Franklin.

[OVITS LAUGHING]

Aretha Franklin.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That will be enough, class!

Don't worry. Colleges are very expensive nowadays, anyway.

Let's begin Manilow appreciation.

Mommy, Daddy, you can't make me stay here.

Well, you can, but if you do, I'll hold my breath.

Mearth, don't you worry.

Mommy's gonna go talk to that little old pipsqueak.

Now, Mind, come on, we've gotta come down to Ork here.

You have never been the object of ridicule

except for that time when you tried to play the Mikado.

Son, I know exactly how you feel.

See, when I was going to school, I was the one they made fun of.

Kids will make fun of you as long as you let them.

But if you've got pride in yourself, there's nothing that anyone can say.

That's right. Hold your chin up high. Then they can really deck you.

Do you have any idea what it's like sitting next to Ovits?

[GROANING]

MINDY: Just ignore Ovits. - I will.

Just ignore Ovits.

[MEARTH HUMMING]

GEEZBA: All right, class, that's enough Manilow.

We don't wanna get your blood sugar level too high.

Now, boys and girls, it's time for show and tell.

Who wants to go first?

I've got something I'd like to show Mearth.

Zelka, when you have something new to show, raise your hand.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Perhaps Mearth has something he'd like to share.

Well…

Well, as a matter of fact, I do.

Miss Geezba.

I guess first of all, most of you by this time know that I'm from Earth.

I have something that none of you have here on Ork.

None of you. I have parents.

Parents? What are those?

Well, Mommy and Daddy, come on down.

Listen, listen, what can parents do that a test tube don't?

Well, for instance, uh, you drop them, they don't break.

I'll tell you some other things.

First of all…

they, well, both of them brought me life and love.

Also, the one thing they don't let me do is barbecue in the bedroom.

That's bad.

But when I'm real good… And I try to be most of the time, don't I?

- They always give me something like this.

ZELKA: Wow, what is that? OVITS: Oh, could I see that?

- What does it do? OVITS: Excuse me.

- Well… OVITS: This is small.

- This is a frog. - A frog?

Yes, see, he's amphibious.

That's a very big word for me, amphibious.

That means he can swim in the water and he's also pretty good on the land.

And he eats flies, of course,

has a long tongue,

and also you find him in some of the better French restaurants.

And he goes:

[RIBBITTING]

Excuse me, Earth-head, could I hold him?

If you let me hold him, I promise you, I won't hit you no more.

Okay.

You hold your hands real high.

- Like that? - A little higher in the palms.

- Keep your palms up. - Okay.

- That's right. - Okay.

You know, I could really deck you right now.

But I won't.

Why? Because I'm bigger than you are.

What a wonderful child I am.

Your little boy's going to be just fine.

- Oh, well, goodbye. GEEZBA: Goodbye.

- Thank you for letting us observe. - You're welcome.

- Stand up straight, Mork. - Ma'am.

And don't forget that book report.

Yes, ma'am, I'd doing it on the Wit and Wisdom of Richard Nixon.

It'll be a one-page essay.

- Thank you for letting us observe. - You're welcome.

You know something? You handled that so well with Mearth.

- You're a good father. - Oh, bless you, Mind.

We've got another hour until the next beam.

- How about we go shopping? - Okay, that sounds like fun.

MORK: Good. Maybe we can buy you a normal-size nose.

Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson, come in your Fat-Farmness.

ORSON: Mork. - Sir.

ORSON: Good to see you. - Oh, good to see you too, sir.

ORSON: How's the little fella doing in school?

Well, I'm proud to say, sir, a lot better than I did.

ORSON: That's my godson. - He is indeed, sir.

ORSON: Today Ork Prep, tomorrow Ork Med.

Well, that's a very nice thought,

but I'm not sure that'd be Mearth's choice.

I've learned that although it's good to encourage your child

to shoot for the stars, it's not always good to choose which galaxy.

If it's up to parents, there'd be three jobs in the whole world:

Doctor, lawyer and wholesale jeweler.

ORSON: But don't you want Mearth to pursue a career you can be proud of?

Well, sir, that's not our decision.

We'll honor his choice, even if he wants to become a network executive.

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.