Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts

Vile Victorians, woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles,

Daring knights, horrors that defy description

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to...

Horrible Histories.

Nations that conquer other nations and take them over, enslaving

or crushing the people as they go -

like the Roman Empire.

Oi! Clear off, this is my home.

I am so sorry, I had no idea.

All right, fair enough, then.

Just kidding.

It's part of my empire now.

And once you're the subject of an empire,

you can kiss goodbye to your rights.

Oh, come on.

Your money. What? Your natural resources. Huh?

And in some cases, your lives. Ah!

The Roman Empire crushed all in its path

from northern England to Egypt.

Yes, empires become huge territories,

each under one supreme ruler,

like the Persian Empire that smashed its way

from Greece to India

and Luxembourg's Luxembourgish Empire.

Hang on...

No empire for you, little Luxembourg.

You're not mighty enough.

Unlike Spain's empire that was so powerful it destroyed other

empires like the Aztecs and the Incas in the Americas.

And what about Belgium's colonial

empire in Central Africa?

They brutally forced Africans

to work for them and killed anyone

who stood in their way.

Hang on, what's happening here?

No, you're too small, Luxembourg.

And at the head of empires, emperors and empresses.

Like Emperor Napoleon of France,

Alexander the Great

of the Macedonian Empire,

and finally empress of the largest

empire the world has ever known.

Queen Victoria and her British Empire.

Woo! Yeah! Go, me!

Me and all the other powerful emperors and empresses

throughout history.

Not you, Luxembourg.

Oh. Yeah, it's good to rule an empire.

Loved universally by all your conquered people.

ANGRY SHOUTING

Strange. Is it possible that not everyone likes being conquered?

Why not? Weird.

Welcome to the rise and fall of enormous empires.

So, empires are basically powerful nations that keep taking

over less powerful ones.

Alexander the Great's massive Macedonian empire stretched

across three continents, and his brilliant battle tactics

saw him conquer more and more land.

Nothing seemed to slow him down.

Well, almost nothing.

It's 329 BC, and Alexander the Great is seeking to expand his empire

further into Asia.

For Alexander the Great.

For the Macedonian Empire...

STOMACH GRUMBLES

HE FARTS

You guys, er...carry on.

Oh, no!

SQUELCHES AND SPLASHES

Oh...

What are you doing, sir?

Nothing, carry on!

Oh, it's stopped.

As I was saying, for the Macedonian Empire!

Sorry, sir, what was that? What was what?

You running off mid-battle.

Is this one of your brilliant strategies?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, yeah.

Like that time we were fighting on a day that the calendar

said was unlucky, so you changed the calendar.

BOTH: Huzzah!

Yeah. What's your brilliant strategy this time?

Are you meeting with secret allies behind the bush?

Are there hidden troops back there?

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't look.

Just, uh, part of my secret, hidden strategy.

STOMACH GRUMBLES

I feel another strategy coming on...

Argh!

SQUELCHES AND SPLASHES

Just carry on fighting.

SQUELCHES AND SPLASHES

LOUD FART

It's OK, I'm fine.

We all heard the poo noise.

Even we heard the poo noise and we're on the other side.

All right, fine.

Look, I didn't want to tell you guys, all right?

But I may have drunk some dodgy water because I've got, like,

a teeny bit of diarrhoea.

LOUD FART

Oh, no, ew! Don't overreact!

I knew I smelled something when we were crossing the river.

You said it was just funny smelling mud.

LOUD FART

Oh, it's like a waterfall coming out of my bum.

Oh, come on!

Men, the Scythians are retreating.

The day is ours.

BOTH: Huzzah!

Come, let us embrace.

LOUD FART

Uh, actually, I think I lost my sword somewhere,

so I'll probably go look for that.

Well, it'll be here among the dead. Come, let us search together.

LOUD FART

Oh, actually, I've got...I've got a huge battle tomorrow,

so I, uh, I might have a...might have an early night.

Fine.

I was, um, I was washing my hair anyway.

Oh...

Head teacher, Ruth Thomas has had to find

a replacement geography teacher

after Mr Napoleon declared himself emperor of France and invaded Italy.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I mean, he's a huge historical figure, but maybe a Mongol warlord

shouldn't be put in charge of 11-year-olds.

I'm going to keep an eye on this one.

Class 7F's new geography teacher is Genghis Khan.

ALL: Good morning, Mr Genghis Khan.

You know, I had a tough life growing up.

My family lost their home when my dad was killed by another tribe.

Aw.

I dedicated myself to protecting my family and bringing the Mongol clans

together so there would never be fighting between us again.

I'll leave you to it.

One of the ways I brought the clans together was by killing

the other leaders.

Did I mention I also killed my own brother over a hunting row?

Maybe write that down, too.

Mr Genghis Khan is a bit more violent than our usual teachers.

Apart from Mr Johnson,

he threw a pencil at Josie Hillage.

Now, who knows what this country is? China?

No, that's part of my Mongol empire.

And what about this bit? Iran?

Nope, that's mine too.

And that's mine, and that's mine. and that's mine.

In just 25 years, I conquered more land than the Romans

did in their whole history.

What's wrong, young man? Cheer up.

I'll let you drink some horse blood at break time.

ALL: Ew!

What? It'll make you strong.

Will it make me as strong as Kit Lamb from 7D?

He picks on me.

Where is this land of the 7D you speak of?

I think I may have misjudged Mr Genghis Khan.

Sorry to bother you, class 7F have just invaded 7D.

Um, excuse...I'd better...Sorry!

Mr Genghis Khan, we do not allow violence in this school.

Please make sure it doesn't happen again.

No more violence, got it.

Come on, children. Shuffle, shuffle.

One way to avoid violence is to

UTTERLY DESTROY YOUR ENEMY'S CITIES.

Who wants to burn down the canteen?

ALL: Yes!

Mr Genghis Khan has not been asked back, and Mrs Thomas is,

once again, looking for a new geography teacher...

Oh, tomato juice.

..and a new canteen.

But that's tomorrow's problem, here on Historical Educating.

SHE RETCHES

You might think being an emperor is easy, and that once you've got

all the conquering out of the way, you can just sit back and chill.

Well, bad luck, because keeping hold of power is hard work.

Take Emperor Justinian II, ruler of the Byzantine Empire.

He got overthrown, had his nose cut off, and was banished from his home.

Then, ten years later, he was back on the throne.

Picture the scene -

you're Justinian II,

ruler of the Byzantine Empire.

It's kind of a continuation

of the Roman Empire, but based

here in Constantinople, instead of here, in Rome.

Things are going great,

when suddenly...

This happened!

My rival's stolen my throne and cut off my nose so that no-one would

ever let me be Emperor again.

Uh-oh! Having no nose is a big no-no for a Byzantine Emperor.

They're expected to look physically perfect, like Gods.

Whoa! What happened, man? You pick your nose with an axe?

Some emperor you'd be.

I guess there's nothing I can do.

Not so fast,

here at Byzantium Bling,

we've got the solution for you!

A golden nose!

Wow, it's so shiny and heavy.

Ooh!

I've got a nose again.

And it's not just...perfect,

it's solid gold!

Now, no-one can say you don't look good enough to rule again.

Hey, great 24-carat conk.

You can rule over my empire any time.

Thanks, Byzantium Bling!

Order your golden schnoz today and Byzantium Bling

will throw in a free set of imperial robes.

Aha! Wow!

Get your golden nose at Byzantium Bling today!

My emperor's got no nose.

How does he smell?

Fabulous!

Oh...

SHE CACKLES

Make way for Qin Shi Huangdi, first, and probably only Emperor of China,

for he will live forever thanks to the magic potion

he's been drinking.

He's in the prime of life!

Sir, the Emperor's being very quiet in there.

Do you think you should check on him?

OK, he's probably just thinking about how healthy he is.

Yep, still dead.

He's fine, off we go!

Really? Yeah, he's just got

a sore throat, so he can't talk. May I see?

RECORD SCRATCHES

Yes, Your Majesty. He says no.

I thought you said he couldn't talk.

He said it with his eyes.

Off we go.

If the Emperor is ill, then shouldn't we call

for his oldest son, Fu Su?

No, we are not calling for Fu Su.

I know you don't get on with him,

and, yes, he will sack you if he takes charge but...

No, the Emperor is perfectly healthy.

Well, the Emperor did write this letter that says Fu Su

should take over if he were to die.

We don't need that, the Emperor is full of beans, in fact...

Uh-huh, yeah...

Mm-hm, uh-huh.

The Emperor says destroy the silly letter and carry on with the parade,

which he will enjoy quietly from inside his litter.

Oh, what's that smell?

That will be the fish.

Uh! The Emperor never goes anywhere without his lucky cart of fish.

That smells awful.

So? It's not like it's the kind of smell you'd use to cover

up the stink of a dead body

or anything.

Are you sure he's OK in there?

Ugh, fine!

I'll go and get him.

HIGH-PITCH: Come on, Sire, out you pop!

MIMICKING EMPEROR: I want you to write a new letter telling Fu Su

I hate him and that he should stab himself to death!

Well, if you insist, Sire.

OK, let's get this tour back on the road

before everything falls apart -

including the Emperor.

Make way for Qin Shi Huangdi of China,

who's feeling great!

Running a truly massive empire isn't easy,

and every empire that rises must one day fall,

even the most famous empires of all.

Take the Roman Empire -

it existed for hundreds of years,

invading and taking over large parts of Europe, Africa and Asia.

But they got a taste of their own medicine

when Atilla the Hun and his nomadic Hunnic Empire decided to invade.

HE MOANS

Hi, guys!

You know, life in Atilla's Hunnic Empire can be so hectic.

But guess what?

All that rush is no reason not to look plush.

That's why today we're here with our friend

from the Roman Empire - Octavius.

Octavius, come on in!

I can't, you've tied me to a tree.

You know, we Huns are always making friends -

by attacking the Roman Empire

and taking their Roman people away against their will.

Can you untie me, please?

They get to join our big, multi-racial Hun clan!

Or die.

Octavius of Rome, we're going to put the hip in your hippodrome

and make you a Hun.

UPBEAT POP STING

You guys in the Roman Empire may call our leader, Atilla,

the scourge of God,

but you guys are definitely the scourge of fashion.

Ugh!

Honey, where did it all go wrong?

It went wrong when you guys invaded and burnt down my town!

HE LAUGHS

Makeover time!

UPBEAT POP STING

Let's start with like a simple, basic, Hunnic head stretch.

Sorry, did you say stretch?

That's right!

We're going to wrap your head so tightly in bandages

that it stretches and goes all pointy like ours.

And all that facial hair is going come right off.

Aw! We wouldn't really use that.

No way!

We're going to burn it off.

Yay!

Please, don't burn me.

Aw! Are you OK, Hun?

So I've been thinking mainly leathers and animal skins -

they're warm, they're hardwearing and they look fantastic.

On someone with muscles!

Oh, talk about a Roman sad-iator, am I right?

And what better way to get fit than by fighting a bear?

Fighting a what?

O-M-G. You've got a bear!

BEAR GRUNTS

That is so you.

It is.

BEAR GROWLS

Help! Naughty!

THEY CHUCKLE

Ooh, talk about being a bar-bear-ian!

ROMAN SCREAMS

Aw.

I think that bear really likes him. BEAR GROWLS, GRUNTS

Oh, not the face!

UPBEAT POP STING

When we met Octavius,

he was living happily with his family inside the Roman Empire.

Whatever!

But now, this Roman's gone from

Emperor Zero to Hunnic hero!

Octavius!

Hun, you look fierce! Meow!

Yeah. I'm furious!

Look what you've done to my head!

Work it, twerk it, strike a pose.

And now the big question is -

are you going to come pillaging with us as we burn away across Europe?

Or are we going to have to like kill you or something?

UNENTHUSIATICALLY: Let's go raid the Roman Empire, Hun.

Yay! Let's all dance and then eat raw meat.

See you next time!

Woo!

The British Empire was the biggest of them all.

But it started life small.

Hundreds of years before Britain had even existed -

when Queen Elizabeth I granted a royal charter

to the East India Company,

meaning they could travel the world searching for treasures

they could sell back home.

They brought lots of fancy new items back to England like

tea, cotton and silk

and delicious spices,

which made them all very rich.

It was trips like these that led Britain to become richer

at the expense of the countries they'd visited.

But that didn't mean those early trips were all successful.

Coming soon, a band of plucky adventurers take to the high seas.

With the backing of Queen Elizabeth,

our small fleet of mighty ships will make history.

Still wish we'd got a cooler sounding fourth boat.

Yeah. Me too.

Loose the top sails!

Nothing can stop us now.

Actually, it's a bit windy.

Right. Back to port.

When they eventually set out two months later,

it went really, really well.

RETCHING AND SPLATTERING

It'll take more than a little sickness to get this crew down.

They laugh in the face of...

I can't take it any more!

Oh!

SPLASH!

Did someone just jump off the boat?

I think it's fair to say morale is a little low.

VIOLENT RETCHING

COUGHING

Starring the Commander of the Fleet -

James Lancaster, who will lead his men

to foreign treasures in the East.

Behold our Indonesian treasure.

Now we can go home.

Dirtiest looking diamonds I've ever seen.

These aren't diamonds.

This is pepper -

worth its weight in gold at home,

and now we've got a whole boatful!

Achoo!

ALL SNEEZING

But the journey home isn't easy.

The Red Dragon... Achoo!

..is so badly damaged

that we'll have to... Achoo!

..tow her home with the Hector...

Achoo!

Argh, I sneezed a bit of wee out.

Finally our adventurers return home to a new king.

Your Majesty, we bring you

the treasure of the Orient.

Ooh! Excellent news.

It'll be good to get something other than pepper.

We've got tonnes of the stuff! Can't shift it.

Oh...no!

Great, more pepper, just what we need!

Well, I'm not paying for it

and I don't want you selling it because I want to sell mine first.

So how are you going to pay us

if you can't sell the pepper?

Ah. Oh, I'll pay you with...

Achoo! ..the treasure.

BOTH SNEEZE

Coming s-soo...

SNIFFLING

Oh, no, it's got up my nose, too!

LOUD SNEEZING

The East India Company sailed around the world,

grew in wealth and size,

and 200 years later was more powerful than some countries.

This laid the groundwork for the British Empire,

which ended up taking over countries entirely,

and forcing its ideas and rules on the local people.

And that didn't make the Empire very popular.

Mm-mm-mm.

DISTANT YELLING

Now, gentlemen, in precisely one minute's time,

we're going to march...

STOMACH GROWLING

..as British soldiers fighting for the East India Company

into battle at Seringapatam. Now, how do you like that?

Any chance we could do it tomorrow, Colonel?

LOUD FARTS

No, we cannot do it tomorrow, we're doing it today.

Can we have this conversation in the shade, Sir?

I think my hat has cooked my head!

No, we cannot talk in the shade. STOMACH GROWLING

A British soldier stands where he must -

be that under fire, in the ice or in the sun!

STOMACH GROWLING LOUD FARTS

Is that understood?

SOLDIER GROANS

They must be very strong.

I think their leader just killed a man with his finger.

Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?

If you're going to march into someone else's country,

killing anyone who resists,

the least you could do is dress appropriately.

We're struggling with the sun, Sir!

I mean, we all are!

LOUD FARTS

We're not used to it. Or the fevers!

Or the water. Or the food.

LOUD FARTS

Oh! Sorry.

I've got the dysentery, Sir.

LOUD FARTS

Oh! Ah! Hey! Ohh-oh!

That was a close one.

I don't care if it's a bit hot.

I don't care...

LOUD FARTS

..if you've got a runny bottom! LOUD FARTS

I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever.

Lemons... Badgers. Soup fairies!

That's just fever, he's seeing things!

LOUD FARTS

Ha! Ha! Ho! Ha! Ho! Ha! Ho!

Wow!

LOUD FARTS

I promise I'm trying to keep them in.

FARTS ECHO

Can you hear gunfire?

I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs.

They can't handle food with flavour.

It goes straight through them.

It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us.

FARTS ECHO

When they finally leave,

it is going to take an age to clean up after them.

And to rebuild all the cities they burned.

LOUD FARTS

You lot are a disgrace!

Now, you need to be ready to march...

March?! I am standing dead still and clenching my bum.

DEEP GURGLING

If I march...it's going to be carnage.

LOUD FARTS

Well, perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today.

LOUD FARTS

You shower of toilets!

The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land!

The British soldiers are feared around the globe!

Do you really think a bit of heat,

gut churning's going to stop us?! DEEP GURLING

STOMACH GROWLING

Ohh-ohh, ohh...

That might slow us down, actually.

LOUD FARTS

Going to need a new uniform.

I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys.

They'll go eventually.

FARTS ECHO

They'll have to - they'll run out of underwear.

FARTS ECHO

THEY LAUGH

Hello! What do you want?

Well, I know you chaps don't like change very much.

If by change, you mean being invaded by you,

you're right, we don't.

Yes, well, I actually have some very good news.

Yeah? Ha!

When are you leaving? Ha-ha!

THEY LAUGH

No, we're not going anywhere.

But I am bringing in a new money system.

It's a special West African version

of the British colonial currency system used across the Empire.

And we have it in Britian, too - fun fact.

Now, Johnson, if you would.

Behold! A penny.

CAT YOWLS

OK, it sounds simple.

Two halfpennies make a penny,

and a tuppence is two pennies.

Thanks for explaining the coins.

Just getting started.

12 pennies make a shilling

and 20 shillings make a pound.

So a pound is 240 pence?

If you do keep interrupting, we will be here all day.

Wouldn't it be easier if we could divide it all by ten?

And use the French decimal system?

How dare you!

Anyway, there's more -

one florin is one tenth of a pound,

also two shillings.

There are five shillings in a crown,

so obviously, there are four crowns in a pound.

It used to be 21 shillings to a guinea,

but we don't really use those any more.

21? Yes.

A penny is also one D.

A shilling is known as a bob.

A thruppence is three pennies

or a thrupenny bit.

Half a shilling is a sixpence or a tanner.

Not to be confused with a £10 note,

which is known as a tenner.

And a four pence used to be known as a groat.

All clear?

Permission to lie down, sir.

Permission denied!

Can we not just keep using the cowrie shells and the godots?

HE SCOFFS

It's much simpler.

LAUGHS: Shells? Who uses shells to trade?

At times, most of Africa, Asia, North America,

and Australia, and the Middle East.

And I bet it's not as heavy

as carrying around all those coins.

Ah, yeah, well, that's why we also have paper money.

Flexible and lightweight.

And easy to damage.

You can't use your paper money around here,

the termites will have it for lunch.

Hey, give me that back!

That's got a king's head on it!

Not any more, it doesn't.

That's treason, isn't it?

Right, I want these termites shot!

Well, I can organise a really small firing squad, sir.

Yeah, get a tiny firing squad in!

Look, look, look, we'll take the coins.

Excellent.

And we'll melt them down to make something more useful.

Jewellery, decorations,

maybe even a bum scratcher.

What?! You can't use the king's head as a bum scratcher!

I mean why would you need a bum scratcher?

For the termites.

You're standing on their nest.

HE SQUEALS

GRUNTING

May I have a bum scratcher?

I only take shells.

SHE GUFFAWS

I wasn't just Queen of Great Britain, you know?

I was also head of the British Empire.

Look how big it was.

Surely such a huge empire would last forever - some chance!

It turned out, quite a lot of people were unhappy being ruled by us,

and many of them started fighting us for their independence.

In India, Mahatma Gandhi came up with a new tactic -

not to fight at all.

He launched a series of peaceful protests

which were rather effective,

although, of course, he didn't do it alone.

Namaste, Gandhi.

Sarojini Naidu here.

Politician, protester, poet.

How's that vow of silence going?

I hear you're not going to talk on Mondays

until India is free from Britain.

It's a powerful idea!

I shall do the same -

starting right now.

CLOCK TICKS

How long was that?

BUZZING

A few seconds?

Er...

SHE LAUGHS

Well, what can I say, my ugly angel,

I like talking.

May I remind you that I am a major figure

in the Indian Independence Movement,

so maybe lose the silly nicknames.

If the British thought their prince's visit

was going to make them more popular in India,

they have had a rude awakening.

Our strikes and closures have shut the country down!

VICTORY STING PLAYS

But we do need to organise one of our peaceful protests

for Prince Edward's visit to the Uttar Pradesh University.

OK, Gandhi, no more nicknames,

my little Mickey Mouse.

Don't worry about the Prince's visit

to the university,

all the students are walking out in protest.

SHE LAUGHS

It'll be so embarrassing

for the Prince - and Britain -

when he turns up and there's nobody there.

Hang on, Prince Edward has just posted a story.

Good afternoon.

Except it is NOT a good afternoon.

I have just visited your university

and I must say, I am not happy.

As if your little walk-out protest was bad enough,

the university governors are trying to make it seem

like the students are still there by filling the halls

with Europeans and children -

like this one!

Me? A child?

I'm 59 and three quarters!

I'll be writing to the King

to tell him that this trip cost millions of rupees

and you have turned it into a farce!

It worked! Yes!

The Royal Visit is a disaster!

We must keep the pressure up.

More burning of British

imported cloth, and more strikes,

more no talking on...

Oh...

Oh, it's... It's Monday.

Oh, no, I-I-I shouldn't be...

That's it, Gandhi! We'll show them.

No more talking until India is independent.

Go!

Is India independent yet?

BUZZING

No! Shh!

Oh. Oops.

Despite Gandhi and his comrades' hard work,

India didn't gain its independence until 1947.

Other countries also fought to rule themselves,

and so the sun began to set on the British Empire -

just as it had on all the other empires before.

Here to explain more is Augustus of Rome,

Napoleon of France, and Britain's Queen Victoria.

Augustus at your service

Heir to Julius Caesar

I was the first Roman Emperor

One of history's greatest leaders

Beat all my enemies

I sure gave them what for

Grew the Roman Empire and ended a civil war

When I departed, we'd just started

Adding countries to the list

No chance to reason with well-armed legions

How could they resist?

But

Empires rise and empires fall

Circulation

The same fate awaits them all

Exploitation

Invading tribes were a sign of the Roman Empire in decline

The writing's on the wall

Rise and fall

Napoleon Bonaparte

First Emperor of France

During the French Revolution

My prospects were enhanced

Grew the first French Empire

From Mali to Martinique

Until Europe got together

And we were forced to retreat

When I was boss, three million lives lost

I brought back slavery, too

So those aggrieved were pretty pleased

When I met my Waterloo

Cos

Empires rise and empires fall

Domination

The same fate awaits them all

Occupation

I bit off more than I could chew

Britannia, over to you

The writing's on the wall

Rise and fall

By the time I came along,

My empire ruled the seas

All around the globe, we'd founded British colonies

But things started changing, and once one was off the scene

People wanted freedom

Independence was their dream

Empires rise and empires fall

Liberation

The same fate awaits them all

Our own nation

Taking other lands to increase our size

Never mind the cost,

Keep your eyes on the prize, but

Throughout history, we've found

Once you've reached the top

The only way is down

The writing's on the wall

Rise and fall.

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