Original subtitles

POP Whoa!

There we are!

Don't waste, don't waste! Merci.

Can you speak French? Oui.

Er...

Let's start basic. Bonjour. Bonjour.

And how do you say, "Ciao, bella"?

Just say, "Bonjour." Oh, how boring is that? "Good morning."

Why don't you have a word specifically?

You see a beautiful woman, "Ciao, bella." Gino, relax.

You're in France. You're in my hands.

Gordon is here. He's a Francophile. Just relax.

Look how beautiful this is.

We are here because my friend Joel Dupuch is doing an oyster festival.

He is one of the best oyster farmers in France.

And he's asked me to co-host it with him. It's a big thing.

Each of us will have to cook a dish with oysters.

We're going to be going through France

and we're going to be picking up our ingredients.

Beautiful French ingredients, Gino.

I mean, sante.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

No! I got that from a song.

You can't say that! Oh...

What's the matter with this awesome nudist beach?

Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix and I

are on a culinary adventure across Europe.

Stand back, please, Fred.

We'll be showcasing the best our cherished homelands have to offer...

I'm a proud Italian. I'm using Mediterranean oysters.

Come here, you English! You want your freedom?!

TYRES SCREECH

..in our trusty home-from-home on wheels.

Oh, oh, Gino! Gordon!

CROCKERY SMASHES

We'll be seeking out the finest ingredients...

Mm!

..the very best vino...

It's paint stripper.

It's nice. It stinks!

..and the most stunning locations.

Wow! Come on, look at this! Whooo!

Only the best will do.

You can see who's been doing pasta for a long time.

Oh, God...!

The problem is, we all think we know what's best.

Scotland beats Italy, France, hands down.

Gino!

Je t'aime the cheese.

Three countries, three big egos,

one small van. Gino! Gino! Gino!

Oh, Gino!

What could possibly go wrong?

Hey, seriously, I'm halfway through serving a wedding!

Bring back my pants!

We are baking.

Can we get going, please?

Yeah, but we've got to wait for the marina to be ready.

It's about half an hour. Oh, you're kidding me? Let's swim.

OK, I'm going to stay here. I'll race you. I'll race you, Gordon.

Come on. You guys are crazy.

Come on, Fredo!

Oh, no, hold on a minute. We said pants.

Come on, let's race. I'm in my pants!

First one on the beach.

Fucking...

Oh, that's how you want to play?

Fred might be in good shape, but I used to be a proper sportsman.

So there's no way he's beating me.

Se detendre. Se detendre.

You fucking idiot!

Fred swam over the top of me, elbowed me in the head.

You know, that's the French.

Super Fred.

Come on, Gordon!

That's not fair! Come on!

Having cheated in the race,

competitive Frenchman Fred wants to prove

there's more to the French than pointy elbows.

We're lovely people. I mean, come on, we invented the baguette.

We invented the croissant, the French kiss.

We are the country of love. What is there not to love here?

To prove his point,

he's brought us to the most famous stretch of the coastline in Europe.

The Cote d'Azur has long been the holiday spot

of artists and aristocracy, from Queen Victoria to Elton John.

And no beach is more famous than the Plage de Tahiti.

Jesus, they're all nude! Yeah, it's a nudist beach.

This is where Bridget Bardot came.

She took her top off.

It's embarrassing. I'm uncomfortable.

Let's take our pants off. No, no, no.

No!

C'est possible? Thank you.

Possible, what? Take a selfie.

No, really? Really?

Really? OK, no problem.

Hold him, hold him. Yeah, it's fine there.

Come on, Gordon!

No, Gordon. Hold him.

Yes! Viola. OK.

Pleased?

Thank you. Right, get dressed, please.

There you are. Fucking hell...

Gordon, you're too uptight.

Guys!

No, no, no, no!

What's the matter with this awesome nudist beach?

This is fantastic!

You should have said!

I'm done. Group hug.

No, no! Group hug.

No! He's touching me!

Oh, fuck!

I don't like it!

Our journey will take us 500 miles from the Mediterranean,

through south-west France to Arcachon on the Atlantic,

where we'll be competing in the Arcachon Oyster Festival.

But first, St Tropez,

home to half the world's fleet of super yachts.

Fred insists there's only one cocktail to drink

if you want to fit in around here.

Martinis, what's so special?

The Martini is a perfect drink.

You know, when you're here in this setting in St Tropez,

you feel like a king, having a martini.

It's given some of us inspiration for the oyster festival.

By the way, I've got the perfect recipe for this festival.

Here we go... I've been thinking for the last two hours.

Go on. I'm going to put an Italian twist...

Don't tell me, limoncello.

What are you going to do? Mediterranean oysters.

No, stop that. Stop. No, no, no. Stop!

We are in the Mediterranean and I'm a proud Italian.

I'm using Mediterranean oysters.

They're salty as anything from there. What are you going to do?

Are you going to foam something or flambe something?

Mine's with fennel, that's all you're getting. Fennel and lemon.

Oyster with fennel and lemon? That is it.

I'm not going to tell you any more. What are you doing with yours?

Where are we here? We are in Provence.

What is it famous for? Perfume.

All of the perfume of the world is made here in Provence.

Are you saying that you're going to perfume your oysters?

Edible perfume. Chanel No.5 oysters?

I'm going to do something that you've never seen before.

I'm not feeling it, OK? I think you're going a little bit too far.

Are you feeling mine, though?

I am not feeling yours at all.

You felt it before when we hugged. No.

I gave very little away there,

but unbeknown to Fred and Gino,

I lived here for three years. I mastered my craft here.

Secretly, I'm going to push the boat out.

And trust me, my oysters

will definitely, definitely come out on top.

Sante.

Merci, Fred.

Before we hit the road,

Fred's arranged for us to meet up with an old friend.

And look who's here. Oh, no!

Hello, old friend. Oh, not this thing again!

Come on, let's go. Seriously?

I really, really, really don't want to be here. Oh, Gino...

Oh, my Lord!

Why?

I'm going to have to be honest. I'm not a huge fan of France.

I've been here four or five times and every time I come here,

I always have a bad experience.

Listen, I'm driving. Just relax.

I'm the best driver you can find, yeah?

Like my dad says, "When you drive one car, you can drive all of them."

And it's the same for the campervan. OK, let's go.

Oh... Please.

Does it go there? Oh, OK.

It's automatic. It's not manual.

I thought you said you could drive?

Madame! Madame!

HE TOOTS HORN Get out of the way!

Don't do that. Let me drive, Gordon. Come on!

HE TOOTS HORN Let me drive!

Watch that car! Watch that car there!

Shit!

Can we stop for a coffee?

We've just started.

As we start a 500-mile journey

through the vineyards and olive groves of Provence,

what this road trip really needs is a soundtrack.

FRED: # I don't need to make no movie

# I have a close-up

# An intimate record of our lovemaking

WOMAN: # Oh, baby... #

What in the...?

That is you. Yeah, well done. You've got good ears.

That's terrible. I think it's very good.

You've been watching too many 50 Shades Of Fred.

Fred, it's got a good beat and it's a way to express yourself.

A good beat?

All right, what kind of music do you like, Gordon? Go on.

Coldplay.

# Look at the stars

# They're gonna shine for you... #

That's probably the way you would sing it.

COLDPLAY: # Look at the stars...#

I might not know music, but I do know food.

Here in the Languedoc region,

visitors can enjoy the best of surf and turf,

from wild boar to bouillabaisse, or fish soup.

And of course, great oysters.

Watch out, watch out! You're in the grass.

We are going to Etang de Thau.

Say it.

Le Tongue de Toe.

Pronounce it, Gordon, go on.

Etang de Thau.

Oh, you're so cute! You're so cute!

You're so cute!

Etang de Thau.

They produce about 10% of the total oysters in France.

De Thau lagoon is the second largest lake in France.

It's renowned for its clean water,

which is perfect for growing oysters.

Well, so, that's really different.

The oysters grown here are some of the biggest and fattest in France.

But as Gino should know, size isn't everything.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Ca va, Julian? Ca va.

Gino wanted to have some Mediterranean oysters.

Only the best. Only the best.

Are they different from the Atlantic Ocean oysters?

Maybe a better taste because more salty and so I prefer them.

What did I say to you?

Better taste because the saltier is the water,

the more juicy and tasty they become.

Will you take him to get some oysters? Of course.

Julian, I am your best friend now.

I'm going to stay with him.

See you later. Good luck.

Make sure I don't break my nails during this process, all right?

We will help you. Let's go.

For me, eating oysters, it just reminds me of my childhood. Really?

Because I used to eat oysters with my dad.

We would grow up with fish and chips and you'd will grow up with oysters.

Yes. We produce more oysters than anybody else.

150,000 tonnes a year.

I really miss France.

Because, for me, coming here at 22 years of age,

getting my arse kicked,

but knowing that it was getting kicked in the right direction

because of the knowledge and the passion.

There you are, Gordon. Thank you.

The wine Fred's chosen is the local Picpoul de Pinet.

Its acidity is the perfect match for oysters.

Perfect.

Whilst he's busting his balls off, diving in mud, to us.

Gino, to you!

Can I drive? Erm, I don't think so.

The oysters are grown from spawn, like tadpoles.

Then they're glued onto ropes

and left to mature in the lagoon for up to a year.

Then you take...

Oh, my God!

That's heavy, man.

Yeah, but we're losing oysters.

Oh, yeah, we lose some. We're losing some.

We lose oysters here.

And I'm getting... Flipping heck, I'm getting all...

Oh!

How many oysters do you get on a line? 200 kilos.

So, how do you pick them? There must be another system.

Atlantic oysters, I much prefer.

The flavour is just so much denser.

What's his obsession with these bloody Mediterranean oysters?

Gino wants to pick it from the Med,

which is obviously close for him to Italy

because they just like Italian things.

That's what they are like.

Gino's obsessed with these Mediterranean oysters

because he believes that's the sort of, the deepest flavour.

When he gets inside those things, he'll realise how salty they are.

I think he's just trying to show off in front of Fred and I

because he knows Fred grew up eating oysters.

I know oysters better than both of them put together.

Where are you getting your oysters from?

Don't worry, I've got that covered. I can keep a secret.

Frenchmen can't keep their pants up, let alone a secret.

HE LAUGHS

Cheers.

Piano, piano, eh?

These are my oysters for the festival.

They're beautiful, eh?

I like you. I like you.

I don't like you.

So, keep them at seven degrees and then I've got four days to use them.

HE WHISTLES

Oh, no, look...

I've got the oysters!

Bravo!

Oysters have to be fresh, so there's no way I'm going to get mine

until much nearer the festival.

If Gino's determined to use Mediterranean ones,

he's going to have to keep them alive.

Now I've got my oysters. There they are.

My little babies.

I'm not letting them go.

I'm checking them every ten minutes.

Seven degrees to make sure that they're alive,

that they're gonna be fresh for the festival.

These are going to sleep with me. Simple as that.

Don't you dare! Don't you dare!

Coming up, Fred tries to keep a lid on things...

And all you have to do is float it in the middle..

..and joker Gino finally blows his top.

Why are you flipping keeping this shit?

I apologise, OK?

I love sailing. Me, too.

Fred, Gino and I are on a road trip through the South of France,

sampling the best food, drink and scenery on offer.

I've got my oysters.

In just three days, we'll be competing against each other

at the Arcachon Oyster Festival.

There we go.

Be careful with my babies.

Sit down!

Can you just take the sail?

Who is the captain of this boat? I'm the captain.

GINO BLOWS INTO THE SAIL

Can we put these down the front now?

Can we put these down the front?

The sail! The sail!

Oh, Fred!

Just turn the thing. You don't turn sharp.

How many times have you been sailing?

I've sailed across the Atlantic.

FRED AND GINO LAUGH

You sailed...? When?

When did you sail across the Atlantic?

In a motorboat.

This is a lovely experience, isn't it?

Together, we can achieve anything.

Fred's planning to flavour some of his oysters

with a spritz of French vermouth.

That means a short hop across the Etang de Thau

to France's most famous distillery.

Feel the wind.

Look, now we're moving.

Whoa!

The speed!

Whoooo! He loves it.

Come on, don't be silly!

Don't be silly!

Look at the speed! Look at the speed!

I'm going to stay like this for long, eh?

We are like proper sailors.

We're docking in the Port of Marseille now,

home to the Noilly Prat distillery for over 200 years.

Swing the sail, please. Bon soir.

Swing the sail! I'm trying to make friends with the neighbours.

Pardon, madame! Oh!

Desole!

Push it! Come on!

Let's go, Fred! Go, Fred! Yes!

Oh!

Are you on your own?

How do you say they're on their own, make friends?

First of all, they're English.

Are they English? Yes.

Oh, hello. Honestly, Gino, come on.

Noilly Prat is made with two types of white wine,

matured in outdoor barrels for a year.

Exposure to the wind, sun and salty air gives it its unique taste

as well as, Fred hopes, him the edge.

You're not going to spray perfume on those oysters.

It's not perfume. It's essence of the most wonderful flavours.

Edible perfume? Edible perfume.

The Italians also make vermouth,

but Noilly Prat claims superiority with their secret recipe,

which contains over 20 herbs and spices.

We make the best vermouth in the world.

It takes three years to get a bottle out of the cellar.

Because of the care that we take,

because of the herbs and spices, the botanical...

You sound like Wikipedia, that's what you sound like.

Why do you think James Bond likes his martini with Noilly Prat?

I don't know. James Bond.

Vermouth goes so well with oysters, there's even an oyster martini.

14,000 litres in there.

In each of them. This is sweet wine inside.

Can we taste it?

Gino, come on. Gino!

He's so naughty.

What is wrong with you? My God...

It's nice. They started this in 1813.

I have no idea how they got that recipe together

because the spices, you've got nutmeg and cinnamon and vanilla...

Do you think they've got a bar?

Yes!

80,000 visitors a year pass through Noilly Prat's tasting bar.

And today, Fred's in charge.

What are you making? I'm making a Noilly spritz.

I'm preparing the grapefruit. It's lovely.

It's the perfect mix.

THEY GIGGLE

What are you doing there? I think we've lost something.

What are you doing? We lost something.

The chairs keep on going down. Why is that?

Did you get it? Nothing, no. No?

So, what were you saying? The Noilly spritz.

Sorry? Noilly spritz.

Wow. That's a large ball of ice.

This is brilliant. This is much better than normal ice cubes.

You know why? Because it keeps the drink very cold.

And don't you dare! Don't you dare!

Don't you dare!

And all you have to do is float it

in the middle of this beautiful nectar.

That's it. This is unbelievable.

Noilly Prat and ice. This is easy.

What else can you put in there? Champagne? Of course.

Why pink grapefruit?

It's about the taste. It's about the marriage of flavours.

Marriage.

There you are, Gordon. Thank you. Try that.

That looks amazing. Try that.

And this, you neck it? No, no, slowly.

Slowly. And this is from moi.

Cheers. Salute.

THEY GIGGLE

Well, let me tell you something.

It's strong.

Especially when a Frenchman's pouring it like it's water.

For me, it can be quite dangerous with an oyster.

Oysters are sweet and this is a very powerful fortified wine

and it doesn't bode well.

Can you hurry up, please? How are we going to get back?

I think we should get on a boat.

We should get on a boat. No, Gino.

We are going to call a taxi. No. Taxi, let's go.

Next morning...

Gordon...

There's flies everywhere. I'm driving!

Gordon... Hold on. The flies are here because of your oysters.

The oysters need to be looked after.

Yeah, I know. But it's freezing in here

and this van's full of flies. It's true. It's true, Gino.

They're going to die. They going to die. Can you plug this in?

It's an early start

as we head north-west through the Avignon valley

with its rolling hills and pristine farmland.

Can you please plug my cool box in there?

I need to keep my babies nice and chilled. Really?

Yes!

It's in? Yes, it's in.

Today, Fred's looking for another ingredient for his oyster perfume.

He's taking us to the home of France's most famous blue cheese,

Roquefort.

And I know this guy and we're going to go to his farm

and he breeds these Lacaune, sheeps,

who make the special milk for the Roquefort.

Like Champagne, Roquefort has protected status

and can only be made in the six square miles

around the village of Roquefort.

The sheep's milk used to make it comes from nearby farms.

So, we're heading to one in the hamlet of Ambias.

So you're going to put the stinky cheese

on top of beautiful fresh oysters.

This is what France is about, it's about the terroir.

It's about everything coming together

and making that beautiful, unique produce.

The farm where I'm taking you, it's not mass produced.

You know exactly where the sheep have been,

you know the name of the sheeps. He knows the names of each sheep?

Of course.

The Avignon hills are perfect for the sheep,

who make nearly 20,000 tonnes of cheese a year.

But they're far from perfect for our three-tonne camper.

Watch the ditch. These fucking roads are terrible.

So, Fred's sorted out some alternative transport.

We're going to have to stop. Really?

Right, guys, here we are.

I don't see any cars.

Can I go in the front when we drive?

Yes, you can go in the front.

How long do we need to walk? Just...

Just... We're here.

Here we are, look. It's hot, eh?

Really?

That's the transport? Horses!

Look at that!

Oh, my Lord... Beautiful, big horses.

Bonjour, madame. Bonjour.

Je present Gordon. Bonjour.

Bonjour.

I like this one.

Why have I got the little one?

It's too small!

But look at the size of you. You're a pint-sized man.

I'm gonna call him Gordon. He's got the same quiff.

Come on.

We've got to go.

All right, let's go. Merci.

Ride, Gordon. Ride.

Shit.

This is excellent. It's steep.

Is this thing listening?

GORDON AND FRED CHUCKLE

Horses have been used in these hills for centuries.

Piano!

This bloody thing is uncontrollable.

Piano! Gino, relax.

Relax your hand. How can I relax?

It's like riding a dog!

How beautiful is this?

My balls are squashed.

Gino, look at you! Shut up.

Oh, my God!

Piano. Piano. Piano!

How do you say in French, "Piano, piano," again?

Doucement.

Doucement! Doucement!

Doucement, mon ami!

Doucement!

Doucement! Doucement!

Doucement!

This family business has made award-winning artisan cheeses

for 70 years.

Left. Piano.

Left.

Piano.

Hey, Jean-Claude. Hello.

Salute. Tu te bene?

Jean-Claude, ca va?

Jean-Claude is also a specialist milk supplier

to some of the local Roquefort makers.

There are only seven of those in the world.

So where are we doing the tasting? OK, la.

We're here? Voila, voila.

Look at the stairs, how old they are. Don't forget about me.

Remember, I don't talk French.

Stop complaining. I don't even like them.

Merci. Hello.

Hello...

Fred's on a Roquefort mission.

But we can't come here without tasting all Jean-Claude's cheeses.

They smell delicious.

Mm...

That is delicious.

That is delicious. This is delicious, yes.

Gino, you're going to try the Roquefort, the king of cheese.

Are you just going to put it with those oysters?

Because that's a home run there. That's going to be delicious.

I don't like seafood and cheese mixed together.

Ay, ay, ay.

Ay, ay, ay, ay!

What did he say? "It's like murder," he said.

What have I been saying? It's traditional.

I love this one. That's delicious.

Delicious.

Je t'aime the cheese.

OK. Je t'aime the cheese.

Seriously, I love it.

I'll explain to him in a minute in French

that you fucking hate the French, you hate everything...

Don't tell him that. Don't.

Je, er... aime le France.

Vive le France!

Allez en e va. Allez. Allez.

Come on.

This tasting gives me an inspiration for tonight's meal.

I'm going to make a nice plate of pasta for you guys.

Another day over.

300 miles to go and we've got to find somewhere to camp tonight.

Can I just plug my phone charger in? Sure. Just get it there.

What are the people doing around here during the winter?

What, they just eat cheese? They eat cheese and they make love.

That's it? Yeah. Wouldn't you?

That's what I'd do. I'd want to come here and just make love all day.

We're stopping on the banks of the River Tarn,

famous for some of the most picturesque

medieval villages in France.

What are you making?

A beautiful carbonara with Roquefort.

So, pancetta, nice and crispy.

Wait, wait, you're using Fred's Roquefort?

They're for his oysters.

Yeah. He'll go crazy.

Look, you know how precious he is. It's fine.

Only a little piece. Gino, really?

Look, it's going to be fantastic.

Eggs, Parmesan, ziti pasta.

He is going to go fucking crazy. Just say that I used Gorgonzola.

Ho-ho!

Oh, la, la!

Bonne petite. Bonne petite?

What did you make?

I made a beautiful carbonara with Gorgonzola cheese.

Only the best.

I thought a touch of Gorgonzola would work fantastic.

Look at that, in old-fashioned ziti pasta.

I love the fact that you used the ziti pasta.

It helps to absorb all that sauce.

It wraps it around there like that. Beautiful.

This is Roquefort! No, it's not.

Why did you use my Roquefort?

You've got about ten kilos of Roquefort in there, all right?

I just used a little handful.

We came all the way here to get the Roquefort and now it's in there.

No, no, it's not. Enjoy the pasta.

It's actually delicious.

At last, peace reigns.

But not for long...

Oh, shit...

Who's unplugged the cool box?

I had to charge my phone up. They're dead.

They are fucked. Oh, shit.

Are they?

They're dead.

HE CHUCKLES

Can we salvage any of them? What are you saying?

What am I saying? The smell...!

If these were your oysters, I would have every respect

and keep them nice and cool.

FRED LAUGHS LOUDLY

Fred's discovering that revenge is a dish best served cold.

And I'm in the doghouse.

Tell you what, you can flipping keep this shit now.

I apologise, OK?

Leave him alone. Gordon, Gordon...

Gino... You're out of order, man.

It looks like it's going to be a long night...

GINO FARTS

GORDON: Oh...!

Seriously?!

Fucking hell!

You dirty fucker!

Vive le France. CROCKERY SMASHES

You're smashing everything in this caravan.

Will you go slowly on the bends?

It's the final leg of our road trip

and the day before the oyster competition in Arcachon.

So far, Fred's picked up some ingredients for his oyster spritzes

and Gino's oysters have died.

Meanwhile, I have some secret business to attend to...

I have prepared some beautiful croissants.

What I do, I dip it in my coffee like this. Oh, no!

This is so French.

No, no, not soggy croissants. Come on.

Here you are, Gino. What, dunky, dunky?

Yeah, like that. No. That is gross!

No, it's nice. You don't dunk croissant...

Yeah, you do. ..in coffee. Stop it.

But that is their culture. It's so French.

This is how we do it. Oh, oh, Gino! Gordon!

I have to go round the corner. OK, piano, Gordon.

Piano, piano.

TYRES SCREECH Which exit is it?

It's that exit.

Now we need to go round the roundabout.

You persist.

You are unbelievable, Gordon.

Look at the coffee, it's like I'm in space!

Gordon, stop! Stop!

Gordon, everything is falling down. Go straight, there.

Straight, there!

There is milk, coffee, baguette on the floor.

It's always straight, Gordon.

Thank you. It's always straight.

Can you say that before we exit the roundabout? It'd be a lot better.

Why don't you want to say where we're going, Gordon?

Fred, please, it's, er...

He's never going to tell us.

It's a culinary secret, OK?

What I'm not telling them is that I need to go on a small detour

via the city of Bordeaux.

Bordeaux is the wine capital of the world,

as well as a fine dining destination

with no fewer than 11 Michelin-starred restaurants.

I should know. One of them is mine.

Right, will you give me a moment, please?

Welcome to my restaurant!

You are unbelievable.

Gordon, we are in your place?

I'll be, er... one minute.

OK...

At Le Pressoir d'Argent, the finest Atlantic oysters

have taken pride of place on my menu for years.

Why would I source my festival ingredients from anywhere else?

Bonjour.

Good morning. How are you? Are you good? Good to see you.

Our signature dish,

oyster and beef tartare with lovely caviar on the top.

That looks amazing.

Now, you know we have a big oyster festival.

And I'm going up against Gino D'Acampo and Fred Sirieix.

Who is that? Gino D'Acampo.

Is he a chef?

Did you hear about this chef? No, I don't know.

Is he famous? Is he famous?

For sunglasses, yes, maybe. And a hairy back.

Can we put the air con on? No.

And Fred Sirieix, no?

C'est il un...

C'est il un waiter.

No, they don't know. They don't know? OK, good.

That's my competition.

How many butterflies died to make that shirt?

You're unbelievable.

They don't know that we have a little surprise.

GORDON SPEAKS IN FRENCH

Let's come and have a look in the fridge. Are they tiptop?

Tiptop fresh. Beautiful from the sea. Well done.

Really the best there is, huh?

Look at those.

Ay, ay, ay.

They're beautiful. Great condition, by the way. Perfect.

I've been using those oysters for the last three years.

Ever since I opened my restaurant in Bordeaux,

they've been featured on my menu as a speciality.

And then we have all the garnish as well, like you asked. Excellent.

Thank you. Lovely fennel. Organic lemons.

There's something quite enjoyable about getting one over a Frenchman

in France on his home territory.

Good luck, huh? A plus tard.

Oh, my babies.

Look at him!

What are you doing?

Are you serious?

Gordon, why didn't you tell us? Are you serious?

Look, wait, wait, wait. You are such a cheat!

Oh...!

Are you for real?!

Yeah, but why does he make his plan

and he doesn't say nothing to everybody? He's like that.

I knew you would do something like that.

You didn't bring anything for us from your restaurant?

No, we haven't got time. Let's go, please.

After four days and 500 miles,

we finally reach Arcachon on the Atlantic coast.

We're a long way from Gino's beloved Med,

but half the oysters in France come from here.

So, surely, even an Italian

should be able to find some he's happy with.

We're here in the Bay of Arcachon

and this is where the best oysters in France are produced.

Let me guess, we're going to meet the king of something. Yeah.

The king of oysters, Joel Dupuch.

Joel is a seven-generation oyster farmer.

There are no fewer than 350 oyster farmers in Arcachon.

And Joel is the most famous of them all.

Joel?

Ca va?

He's also the host of the oyster festival

that we've been invited to compete in.

Nice to see you.

Ca va? Salut, Joel.

JOEL AND GORDON SPEAK IN FRENCH

How do you know him?

Erm...

Joel's been supplying me for the last three years.

You are such a wally!

I told him I'm going to bring him to the king of oysters

and he was going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

You know all along.

Joel Dupuch, my friend,

and I met him years and years before Gordon Ramsay

even knew of his existence.

He just wanted to play a joke. Typical Gordon.

Wow, look at this.

I never tried these oysters.

I always tried the ones from the Mediterranean.

Er, je voulez...

..er, try les oyster.

You want to taste? Taste.

S'il vous plait. Please. S'il vous plait, mon ami.

Piano, piano, piano!

Right, I'm dying to see your face when you taste these.

The best oysters in the world.

And you chew a long time. A long time.

A long time. Take your time.

You know they're good, don't you? And before you know it...

You know they're good. They're flipping good.

The flavour is creamy, sweet... Firm.

Really quite plain, compared to the Mediterranean,

in the way they are not as salty.

Stop it.

You know what, boys, we are all using the same oysters now.

So it is a fair play.

Let's bring it on. Let's see who can make the best oysters.

Even though we ended up with the same oysters,

it wasn't a waste of time because we discovered France,

we spent time together.

And as my dad likes to say, "Les voyages form le jeunesse."

Travels form youth."

Allez en e va. Fantastico.

Amazing.

# I hate the French

# Wake in the morning Nothing to worry

# I hate the French... # Oui, oui.

Impossible.

I say, "Oui, oui." You say, "Pourquoi" after me.

Ready?

# I hate the French Oui, oui. Pourquoi?

# When I wake up in the morning Nothing to worry

# I hate the French Oui, oui. Pourquoi?

# I hate the French

Je t'aime!

# And when I look in your eyes I feel like... #

It's the end of our French road trip

and the morning of the Arcachon Oyster Festival.

Here we are.

En e va. Let's go. Allez, allez, allez.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

This is what's happening here? This is it.

It will be, once we pull our fingers out.

But first, France's oyster king wants to give our recipes

his royal seal of approval.

What kind of oyster are you make?

A little salad of fennel, lemon confit

and then I'm going to beautifully fry mine. Boof.

He doesn't look very sure.

My oysters are called pissed oysters.

Oyster, vodka, limoncello...

Limoncello?

It's a cocktail. Boom! Schooom!

So, a shot of oyster? It's a shot of oyster.

I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm just going to open the oysters

and I've got this beautiful spray

with lemon, ginger, raspberry... The Roquefort.

It's a perfume of oyster.

It's a perfume of oyster. It's wonderful.

I'm the only one cooking my oysters.

I'm the only one putting all the effort into those oysters.

One's spraying it with a perfume,

the other one's dousing it in limoncello.

So, hands down, I'm going to kick their butts.

Before, I was very confident.

Because my Mediterranean oysters are slightly salty, loads of flavours.

Now I have no idea how it's going to turn out.

Well, it's time to find out. Here come the crowds.

I declare the oyster festival open!

CHEERING

First, a shucking competition. We have 30 oysters each.

Whoever can open the most in four minutes wins.

All right, let's go!

Allez!

One oyster.

These are hard, man.

Hey, what's he doing?

Gino's never one to get hung up on rules.

Just ten seconds over heat and the oysters open on their own.

Your technique, whoa, I'm not going to do that.

Gino, you can't do this. Yes, I can!

Boo!

SPECTATORS: Boooo!

Lid on! Lid on!

Lid on! Lid on! Lid on!

Five.

Gordon, how many have you opened? Deux.

Gino won in Italy.

There's no way I'm letting him win again today.

Stop!

But despite most of our efforts, first place goes to a local lawyer.

We got our arse kicked.

The winner is Mr Stephan Dizard!

CHEERING

I think he should be disqualified.

Special announcement.

Mr Gino...

No, no, the terms and the conditions, I did not agree.

Hey, I got a lawyer!

These people have guillotines, they can cut my head off.

So, thank God I was forgiven. I use my charm.

Je t'aime all of France.

Un petit martini cocktails avec Noilly Prat.

Madame, fresh, elegant, delicious.

Look at that.

With things in full swing, we get a visit from a surprise VIP.

Hello, my friend. Hey, Papa!

Wow, Gino...

It's my dad. It's my dad!

Monsieur Sirieix, c'est un grand plaisir.

Sante.

Mr Sirieix, what a pleasure.

What a pleasure. Pleasure to meet you.

I told my dad I was doing this oyster festival

and he drove all the way down from Limoges this morning.

I turned around and there he was.

My dad is my hero.

You know, and for him to be here when I'm doing this festival,

it's so important. You know, it's just pure love.

Oh, that's nice. Merci beaucoups.

If Fred's going to impress his dad,

he'll have to pull out all the stops and persuade more people

to try his oysters than ours.

We can go. Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Mine are shallow fried with a crisp fennel salad.

Perfect for French palates.

Bon appetit. Please, Madame, ce c'est pour vous. Merci.

Pissed oysters for you!

For you, madame.

They want something cooked. No, they want to get pissed.

Vodka...

Oh, yes, yes, limoncello.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Careful, Gino.

In vino veritas.

Open your mouth.

Ah...

You want Roquefort? Oh...

Pas problem.

I think you're going to love it.

There you are.

Is it nice?

"Bellissimo," he said.

It's been incredible.

Look, people absolutely love them.

Not content with plying people with booze,

Gino's now offering sexual favours.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Ce soir.

Whooo!

Thank fuck we haven't got any dress code.

Come on, these are flying out the door.

I've had 60 punters. Gino's only had 15.

With time running out, he's clutching at straws.

I'm just using a little bit of his stuff here.

Oh, la, la!

Your hair, madame.

I think the extra lemon I got is working even better.

Do you want to try my oysters? Much better than Fred's.

Very nice. They're good?

Oh...

Thank you.

You took my ingredients?

No, I did this one this morning myself. Which one?

The lemon, er... zest. That's mine.

No, it's not. It's not.

You should never leave your station.

Enough, enough. I'm appealing to a higher power.

Bon appetit, enjoy. Please.

With the final tally unclear, it's down to the oyster king...

Here we are.

..to declare who's dish is best.

Oyster shot. Oyster shot.

It's the moment of truth.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Le premiere...

An artist.

Mr Fred!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It seems, when in France, you can't beat the French at their own game.

You know, today, I wasn't nervous at all.

I was totally in my element with my people in my country. I loved it.

And as my dad likes to say, "It's all about participating,

"it's not about winning." Don't get me wrong, I wanted to win.

But I wasn't desperate to win. I was there to enjoy myself.

And that's what I did.

It's a big honour to have won here in my home country.

I am so happy.

And my dad is here. I mean, this is the best!

CHEERING

Yeah!

The French stuck to the French, like they normally do.

I think it was a close race. But I'm pleased for Fred.

Can you imagine if I'd kicked his arse there?

Although they did like my oysters.

I still believe that, if I had my little babies,

my Mediterranean oysters, I would have smashed this party.

So, we do it again next year? Yeah.

Cool. Perfect.

See you later.

It's been an amazing journey. I love France.

Honestly, I really love it, from the bottom of my heart.

It's just the French I can't stand.

Welcome to Scotland.

One of the best countries in the world.

I take Fred and Gino back to my roots...

Some of the finest ingredients anywhere in the world.

Deep-fried Mars bar.

..as we travel from the beautiful West Coast...

Careful of the giant conger eels.

Is it here the Loch Ness thing is?

..to the seat of Clan Ramsay in the East.

Look at that. I'm scared.

We'll be gathering stunning ingredients on the way...

Is it me, or do they look like huge testicles?

..before we throw a feast...

Mind the quiff!

..for my fellow Ramsay clansmen.

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