Original subtitles

SEA BIRDS CRY

Honestly...

Where is he?

Gino!

ITALIAN DANCE MUSIC

He is not in that campervan, is he?

ITALIAN DANCE MUSIC

Oh, my Lord...

What is this music?

Turn that shit off!

Welcome to Italy!

What is that music?

Do you know where you're going? Not to worry.

GORDON'S VOICE ON SATNAV: Hey, big boy, let's drive, yes?

LAUGHTER

How cool is that?!

What are you doing with my voice in the satnav?

Because I miss you.

And then I put it on the navigation when I'm in Italy.

"Oh, there he is, he comes again."

SATNAV: Turn left.

LAUGHTER

How cool is that?

This is going to be the best road trip ever.

What have I said yes to?

Hands on the wheel when you go round the corner!

PLATES SMASH

God, Gino...! Shit!

All the crockery's smashed. Is everybody all right?

Yeah, we are fine.

You didn't tell me this was nudist beach!

Gino D'Acampo, Fred Siriex and I

are on a culinary adventure across Europe.

Stand back, please, Fred.

We'll be showcasing the best our cherished homelands have to offer...

I'm a proud Italian. I'm using Mediterranean oysters.

Come here, you English! You want your freedom?!

TYRES SCREECH

..in our trusty home-from-home on wheels.

Oh! Oh! Gino! Oh, Gordon!

We'll be seeking out the finest ingredients... Mm...!

..the very best vino...

It's paint stripper. It's nice.

It stinks!

..and the most stunning locations.

Wow! Come on, look at this.

Whoo!

Only the best will do.

You can see who has been doing pasta for a long time.

Oh, God...!

The problem is, we all think we know what's best.

Scotland beat Italy, France hands down.

Gino...!

Je t'aime the cheese.

Three countries, three big egos, one small van...

Gino, Gino!

Oh, Gino!

What could possibly go wrong?

Hey, seriously? I'm halfway through serving a wedding!

Bring back my pants!

We are here on the Amalfi Coast.

Right.

Have you guys ever been around here? My first time.

This is where I was born. Right. OK?

Look at the view. We've got the Island of Capri.

Wow. This is beautiful.

I mean, really beautiful.

I'm going to take you in places that you've never seen before.

SATNAV: Turn left.

LAUGHTER

Gino D'Acampo has invited Fred and me

to Campania in Southern Italy

to show us the sights and the best of his region's food and wine.

That voice is seriously irritating.

Well, we're going to see all the lemons in Sorrento.

I'm going to show you the buffalo mozzarella.

Watch out! Watch out! Oh...!

God, Gino...!

It sounds too good to miss.

But with Gino, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Listen, guys, there is something I haven't told you.

Oh, my God... Really?

We are here because my best friend's getting married.

What? I haven't got a suit.

Have you got a shirt? No!

I'm on fricking holiday.

You want me to cook at the wedding? Yes.

Shit!

You see, the reason why I wasn't 100% honest with the boys

is because I didn't think that they would come.

So I thought, "Do you know what, I'm going to invite them,

"in a nice Gino way, and then I'm going to hit them."

How many people? It's 50 guests.

I'm feeling sick.

Mamma mia, moan, moan, moan... Oh, my God.

Gino's really pissing me off because he's hijacked this week

for his mate's bloody wedding. He's on a jolly.

And he's dropped me in the shit.

There you go. Careful.

SATNAV: Oi, big boy, you're going the wrong way, yes?

THUMP Oh, my God, what was that?

I think you clipped the wall.

Oh!

Stop. Stop.

There's something hanging off. Is it?

What's happened?

What do you mean, what's happened? Look what you've done.

Gino!

OK...

We need a Blu-Tack.

Blu-Tack? Or someone to stick it.

No, we need a driver.

But the indicator works.

Slow down.

Ready?

Honestly...

That's it.

Oh, my God, a big bus. Let's go.

Oh, we've got a bus in the back, we've got a bus in the back.

BUS HORN HONKS

Can't you drive and talk at the same time? No, because I get excited.

I want to show you my home country. Hands on the wheel.

The wedding, it seems, is in just four days,

on Gino's home island of Sardinia.

We'll be picking up ingredients for the wedding feast en route.

So, first, we're heading to Sorrento,

home of the world-famous Amalfi lemons,

along 30 miles of perilous switchbacks.

Oh, I'm sweating, eh?

You're sweating? You're sweating?

Apparently, Gino has a plan to cut the journey in half.

SATNAV: Hey, big boy, you've just arrived, yes?

LAUGHTER

Now, look at that.

Where are we going? Beautiful, eh?

No, where are we going, seriously?

The road is going to be full of traffic.

This is the way an Italian would do it.

Go coast to coast. My cousin is over there with a boat.

He's your cousin? That's my cousin.

We're going to jump into the water, we're going to swim towards the boat

and then the boat is going to take us to the lemon farm.

Oh, bollocks. Really? Yes.

Is this a smart thing to do?

Take everything off and we put it into that bag over there.

We put everything here.

What?!

Oh, don't!

You asked for help. You didn't tell me we were going rock climbing.

Look at us, standing here, half naked.

This goes in. Let's go, let's go.

Jesus Christ...

I lost my pants!

Gordon! Free Willy!

Hey, Gino! Pants off!

Come on!

Whooo!

Is he alive?

Are your pants on? Yes. Your pants are on?

Let's go.

By sea, our destination is just a short hop

along the stunning Sorrento coastline to Massa Lubrense,

home to an extraordinary lemon farm.

See, that's the way to see Italy, guys.

How long does it take them to get them that big?

Well, from small, it will take them seven months. Seven months.

Right, this is a volcanic soil.

We've got the Vesuvius in the back. You know, the volcano. Yeah.

And then the other thing that we get is all the minerals from the sea.

The soil and climate provide the perfect growing conditions

for the world's most famous lemons.

Buongiorno. Valentina? Oh, Ciao.

For brother and sister Luigi and Valentina,

this is a labour of love.

What is he doing there? It's Michele.

During the winter, it's totally covered.

In summer and spring, we open.

During the winter, the lemons don't like to stay under zero.

So they're very special lemons. Of course.

Yeah, a bit like him. Yeah!

How long have you been cultivating lemons here?

Only 300 years. 300 years...

It must be pretty good.

Can we get some lemons? Of course. Yeah?

As well as supplying us with a few crates of limoncello,

a must-have for any Italian wedding,

I can't resist taking some of their fantastic fruit with us, too.

Will you make sure the ladder is OK? Like the olives.

Oh, one second. These are good. These are beautiful.

Put that there. These are good.

Hold the ladder, eh? Yes!

I'm on it! I'm on it! There you go.

The lemons are fantastic.

Gordon, how many lemons do you need?

Erm...

Yeah, a basketful.

Can you just throw them properly, please? Here you go.

Whoa!

Gino!

Gordon...!

Gordon!

Gordon, bring the ladder here!

Listen, I'm trembling on this thing!

Fred!

You bloody idiots.

Gordon!

Bring the ladder back!

Gordon, I'm going to fall!

Oh, this is nice.

FRED SPEAKS ITALIAN

It's like a scented cough medicine.

It's so rich. It is good for the digestion.

Is it? You know, after a meal,

you knock one back and you just feel better.

You know, very fresh in your mouth. And it's beautiful.

Are you drinking another one? No, I like it.

Really? Yeah.

No, it's good.

Hey...!

Unbelievable. What's wrong?

He's complaining.

Idiots!

Why would you leave me on the flipping tree? Now we're evens.

Gino... Salute!

Look, he's better now. Salute.

To our road trip, guys. Yes.

Our road crash.

Slowly!

Mm...!

Look, that's starting to... No. The bottle is finished.

No, we're not drinking any more. One more shot and then we go to bed.

No!

They're going to think,

"If this is the start, this is going to be an awesome boys' trip."

This van, there's piss everywhere in the bathroom.

Did you know that it was broken? I was bursting.

We're going to have piss everywhere, seriously.

Gordon has pissed three litres.

LAUGHTER

I mean, seriously...

LAUGHTER

Stop whingeing.

I'll clean it up in the morning.

CAR HORN Seat belt on, please.

People are beeping, why is this?

Oh, no, the handbrake is on. The fucking handbrake...

He's driving with the handbrake! OK.

Look at the beauty of the Vesuvius from here.

So that's the volcano. That is the famous volcano.

Wow. This is beautiful.

There's no doubting Italy's natural beauty.

But it's pretty clear the road trip we've been invited on

is actually a busmen's holiday.

You need to communicate.

You can't just have this all going on up here in your limoncello head.

You need to talk to us. FRED LAUGHS

All I know is that we have a wedding to do,

that you're doing a main course.

I want to do a starter. Fred wants to take care of the drinks.

Talk to us. What's happening?

I don't know yet. You don't know...

Piano.

We now only have three days

to get around the Bay of Naples

and over to Gino's home in Sardinia,

while sourcing top-quality local food for the wedding along the way.

So, why is Italian cuisine so simple?

Because it's the way of thinking.

Minimum effort, maximum satisfaction.

In my experience, the only thing that minimum effort delivers

is minimum results.

We're going to stop for lunch. I'm hungry. Lunch? We've just started.

Lunch? We've just had breakfast.

We've got to get going.

I'm taking you for a pizza. A pizza?

You need to understand, there is no way you're coming to Naples

and you're not going to get a pizza.

I'm going to take you to the oldest pizzeria in Naples

to have a nice slice of pizza. We are not on holiday.

Let's go with the flow, Gordon. Let's go with the flow.

Well, I'm not your flow type of chef.

Piano.

What does it mean, piano?

Slowly, slowly.

Piano.

We're heading into Naples.

The Greeks built it 4,000 years ago and called it Neapolis or New City.

Unfortunately, there's nothing new about its roads.

I didn't know Napoli was like Mumbai.

These streets in the old Spanish Quarter

were built for the horse and cart...

Ciao!

..not D'Acampo's 40-foot camper.

Look how tight it is.

I mean, it is ridiculous.

They're getting upset as well.

There is only one way.

Oh, my God... I'm never going to make it.

Fred!

Hey, stop!

No, seriously. Slowly, slowly, Gino.

But you can't drive.

No, I'm sweating.

You say one more time I can't drive...

I'm sweating like a pig in here!

Calm down!

You, sit down. I can't see anything.

Ay!

Go, go, go.

Get back in the van! Get back in the van!

Get back in the van!

OK, OK.

Oh!

I swear, I'm gonna kill you. Jump in! Jump in! Now!

Neapolitans famously say, "See Naples and die."

But I don't think this is quite what they had in mind.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Something is beeping.

Temperature is...

Temperature excessive.

Brace yourselves.

Look at the bumper hanging off on the side, man!

Hey, it's beautiful, isn't it? It's amazing.

Gino D'Acampo is showing Fred Siriex and I

around his home city of Naples, the birthplace of pizza.

Boys, I've got a plan.

We're putting on a wedding feast in three days' time.

But Gino just wants his lunch.

This is for you.

Where did you get these from? I phoned a cousin of mine.

Oh, God...

Hold on... And I got you nice Vespers to go around Naples.

Oh, my Lord...

I'm going to take you to the oldest pizzeria in Naples.

ENGINES REV

Holy fuck!

This is the way to see Naples, no, boys?

Not on a pink motorbike!

The roads are bumpy, the traffic's crazy,

and nobody can drive here!

Allora! This is fantastico.

No, Fred!

Jesus Christ! What's he doing?

Shit...!

No, no, no! Vai, vai!

Where is he going?

Gordon, you are on the other side!

HORN Crazy.

What the fuck? Hey, open your fucking eyes!

Now we've lost Gino.

So it's anyone's guess where we're supposed to be heading.

Gino! Gino!

There are over 800 pizzerias in Naples

and more than one that claims to be the oldest.

Hey, I don't even speak Italian. You've got to stay with me.

But, Gordon, you've got to accelerate, man,

or we're going to lose him. Now where the fuck do I go?

Where is that little fucker?

When I catch Gino, he is dead!

Grazie.

Nice to see you.

After an hour, we finally catch up with the slippery Italian.

Look at him.

Where have you been, man? Don't smile! Don't smile!

Unbelievable.

I thought you were behind me. I lost you.

How can you leave us in Naples? We have no idea where we are.

Hey, in the middle of the street, you just fucked off!

I'm starting to understand

the madness behind Gino D'Acampo, growing up in Napoli.

My biggest regret is that he left Napoli.

Come in, I want you to meet Gennaro.

Head chef Gennaro is making a classic margarita.

The tomato, mozzarella and basil

representing the red, white and green of the Italian flag.

You've got helmet hair. Yeah, that's right.

Fucking helmet hair!

For a fucking helmet chef. Are you happy?

Really happy.

Salute!

Salute!

Relax.

Mm...!

Oh, my God. That's like liquid petrol.

Now, look how beautiful is that.

Can you see all the air bubbles in there?

Generations of Gennaro's family

have perfected their pizzas over 200 years.

Their secret, slow-proving the dough for two days

for an extra light and airy base.

Gordon, very nice?

Delicious. Bravo.

Bellissimo. Grazie mille.

The dough is exceptional.

Unfortunately, Gordon, for us in the restaurant business,

this is a very difficult thing to replicate because,

unless you've got 50, 60 years of experience behind

on how to do the dough properly, it's impossible to do it.

Excuse me two minutes.

To repay Gennaro's hospitality,

I want to try out an idea inspired by our trip to the lemon farm.

So...

Just, just this size.

Grazie mille. Thank you.

Lemon curd.

Amalfi lemons.

A squeeze.

Please. A splash of lemon zest.

Some powdered sugar.

90 seconds.

Cool down with a touch of creme fraiche.

Basil.

Grazie.

Bravo.

Oh...!

So, I just want to say a very special thank you.

I'm flipping loving the idea... Yeah.

..of a lemon pizza.

I never heard of it in my life!

Lemon curd caramelised and on the outside a dusting of powdered sugar,

so when it hits the oven, it's almost like the top of a...

You're bruleeing the bread.

But the sour dough, with that powdered sugar, it makes it, yeah.

And cooked in 90 seconds.

How did you come up with this idea?

Growing up as a child, lemon curd on toast was a treat.

Having it now on a sour dough pizza in that amazing oven is incredible.

Beautiful. He's happy.

A special pizza. Good.

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

He said, can he put this on the menu? Yes.

A seal of approval of the oldest pizzeria in Naples.

Wow, thank you.

How the hell did you come up with this?

He's one of the best chefs in the world!

They now understand what the Neapolitan lifestyle,

what Neapolitan food is all about.

Minimum effort, maximum satisfaction.

And I have to say, Gordon's pizza,

I was impressed.

This wedding is imminent and, ingredients-wise,

I've got a basket of fucking lemons

and a basket case in Gino D'Acampo.

How many shots did you drink last night?

Six. Six?

Fred? Yeah, I only had two.

Hands on the wheel! Shit!

You're stressed this morning. Relax.

Guys, can you just stop it for a second?

Because you're just giving me a headache. Can you just stop?

Gino, stop. Gino, what's going on?

Where are we going? What's happening?

Tell him that you grew up first.

We're leaving Naples.

Destination, Sardinia.

But first, a D'Acampo detour through the Campania countryside,

on the hunt for our next ingredient,

the most famous cheese in Italy.

A wedding in Naples,

it isn't a wedding without a proper mozzarella.

But it has to be a really good-quality one. Yeah.

No, it's going to be good. Really?

Where I'm taking you boys now,

this is a mozzarella farm where they milk their own buffalo.

The best buffalo mozzarella you can get in the South of Italy.

Campania is the only region in the world

that is officially allowed to make mozzarella.

Marco and Cleo, the people we're going to marry...

Two hands on the wheel, please!

TYPES SQUEAL Shit!

..they love the buffalo mozzarella. Oh, my Lord...

Hold on, hold on.

Shit!

No, Gino, Gino, Gino! Oh...

GRINDING

SATNAV: Oi, big boy, you're going the wrong way, yes?

Gino! The car is burning!

The car is burning! Look!

Look what you've done! SATNAV: Turn left.

Stop laughing, Gordon.

Oh, my Lord...

Let's go and get the mozzarella, please. Let's get the mozzarella.

We sort this out later. Just like that?

Just... It's fine.

HE SPEAKS IN FRENCH

Thankfully, Gino's latest little accident

is only a short walk from the farm.

Mooo!

Look at the way they listen to me, hey? Mooo!

Water buffalo,

first brought to the area by Saracen invaders in the tenth century,

have thrived in Campania's marshy and fertile grasslands ever since.

Close the door behind.

Right. We cannot shout, otherwise they get all stressed out.

They get stressed out?

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

Hello. Hey, how are you?

So, the difference between buffalo milk and cow milk,

it is high in fat.

OK?

So it makes the mozzarella very creamy. And then there is no colour.

Buffalo milk is completely white.

So there is no carotene colour, an off-white.

It is the only milk that is really white.

So, bright white. Bright white.

That's why, when you see mozzarella, it's always bright white.

But what about the fat?

The fat doesn't turn into colour in the buffalo.

It's one of the only few animals who doesn't turn the fat into colour.

Now, look at that. He wants to show you.

He wants you to try the milk straight from the buffalo.

He says it's the best milk you've ever tasted. Fred can't wait.

Go on, Fred.

God, I'm going to get food poisoning here.

It's incredible. What an experience.

Yeah, but, fucking hell, really?

Mm...! Delicious.

Shit, it's hot, huh?

That's where the experience...

It's good, isn't it? Proper full-fat milk.

It's a bit weird.

Yeah, it's a bit weird.

Right, you milk now.

Gentle with the titties, OK?

Let me tell you a story. When my wife was pregnant...

Hey, not now.

..about for a week, I milked her because she was tired.

You milked your wife? Yeah. It's a little bit weird.

And you're talking about milking your wife at the same time.

Let's see, Gino. Come on, then. You take it from the top.

You do it like that. And then...

Gino, fucking hell! Now, come on!

LAUGHTER

Stop!

Before I can fight back, Mimmo hauls us away

to show us how we can turn the buffalo juice

into delicious creamy mozzarella.

Right, wow. So, this is at a raw stage.

This is called filatura,

it's when the cheese starts to get all stretchy.

The temperature, 94 degrees.

They're doing a system where it's called mozzare,

with your hands, you crush it.

That's where the word mozzarella comes from. Mozzare.

You know that the mozzarella is done by hand. Got you.

Gino's keen to make the wedding appetiser himself.

Which means we all have to get our hands dirty.

Come on.

What come on? What am I going to serve to Marco and Cleo?

What come on? It's handmade.

Yeah, but it's one thing it's handmade.

At least get the ball right.

What is that? It's mozzarella.

Buffalo mozzarella.

When is the last time you saw buffalo mozzarella like this?

Gino, listen, it's still going to be good. This is top-quality milk.

Remember, this mozzarella is for the wedding. Don't do...

Look, one is small, one is big.

They need to be all 50, 60 perfect.

Why are we arguing in front of all these people? Excuse me.

Up until now, Gino's been all piano, piano, making jokes.

But all of a sudden, I realise he really cares.

He wants this wedding to go well. He wants to get it right.

He's going to show you the way Italian people eat mozzarella.

Cosi...

That's fucking disgusting.

You can't eat like that at a wedding.

But that's the way we do it. You open the legs, eat mozzarella.

That's OK. Nice and tidy.

You do it.

Now, try.

No. No, no, no.

We need some table manners. Some etiquette.

Knife and forks. Plates.

Next stop, Sardinia.

We're just going to leave the caravan there.

We've got a plane to catch.

One of Gino's many cousins

can come and explain THAT to the rental company.

Gino, where are we going?

We are going to my house.

Later on, we're going to meet Marco and Cleo.

Everything will be fine.

Piano, piano.

After three days on the Italian road trip,

and a 200-mile hop across the Mediterranean,

we're in Olbia, on Gino's home island of Sardinia,

where we are helping him organise a wedding feast.

The island is stunning.

With 1,000 miles of fantastic coastline

and huge national parks,

I can totally see why Gino and his family love it here.

There is the house.

That's your...? Are you happy?

That's your villa? Yeah.

Stop it. Hey, hey, hey.

Just wait.

You are kidding me?

You've put your name on the front gates?

Yeah, just in case I've got friends that are coming.

Holy shit...

Gino and his family spend nearly half their year

up in these rugged hills.

Are they vineyards? Yeah.

My wine is called Gino Vino. And I want you to try that.

Is it good? It's fantastic.

This is beautiful.

I'm so excited to have you guys here.

This is beautiful. Thank you for coming.

Come in, come in. Wow.

This is where the lounge is and the kitchen.

This is beautiful. It's cool. It's nice and fresh in here.

This is beautiful. All the family photographs.

Family pictures. These are the kids.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I mean, seriously...?

Gino, Gino...

These are all the books that I wrote.

And there is no Gordon. It's all Gino.

You don't have all your own books in your own kitchen?

Oh, yeah. This is when guests arrive, then I can show off.

11 cookbooks of yours.

12.

The I Diet.

Come on, I'm going to show you the wine. You like the kitchen?

Joking apart, I'm impressed how self-sufficient Gino is up here,

growing his organic vegetables

as well as the local Cannonau grapes in his vineyard.

This is the wine I make. Stop it.

There you go. Stop it.

Gino Vino.

Gino Vino for 2014, '15, 2016.

What about this one, Jessie Juice. That's my wife.

The white one is called Jessie Juice.

You're going to love this wine.

And does your wife know you've named a bottle Jessie Juice?

No. No...

My wine is organic. I don't filter it.

I'll squeeze it and then put it straight into the bottle.

What's this shit at the bottom? Because it's not filtered.

So you don't have to move the wine too much.

The good thing about this, it doesn't give you a headache.

But this is what natural wine is, like my grandfather used to do,

natural wine, unfiltered.

Yeah, my wife would kill me if I named a wine after her.

Of course, we're not going to get away without trying

some of Gino's Vino Collapso.

How old is the wine?

This one is a 2015. 15.

Cheers, Gordon. Cheers.

Salute. Salute.

Ah...

Shit! It's paint stripper!

It's nice.

But red wine shouldn't be that strong. Look at your face.

Yeah, I like my wine strong. Who else likes it?

My wife likes it.

How many bottles of this shit do you produce a year? 100 bottles a year.

How many do you drink? All of them.

Shit!

Your guts must be rotten.

The good thing about this wine is that two people have a bottle

and you are completely pissed by the end of it. For sure.

Would you serve that in your restaurants?

No, not this year. Not this year.

You asked us here to help you for a wedding.

Can you just give us the menu?

The main course is I'm going to do a porcheddu.

A porcheddu is a baby pig which is local of Sardinia.

I'm going to slow roast it for about six and a half hours

and what I want you to do for me

is to do some beautiful seafood skewers.

Can you do that? On the barbecue, nice and easy...

Hold on, hold on, A fucking fish stick at a wedding?

What is wrong with you? You haven't learnt anything so far.

Minimum effort, maximum satisfaction.

Hold on, what else is this area famous for?

Eight tentacles. Think...

Octopus. Thank you.

I'll think of a dish, followed by a roasted pig.

And then we do roasted vegetables. What are you going to do, though?

What I want to do is I want to do a beautiful gin and tonic.

And we'll have a little bit of limoncello which we found in Naples.

What about this as a digestive? No, no, no.

No.

'Tomorrow, I'm very happy,'

because I'm going to take them into a place on an island of Figarolo

where is full of octopus.

We're going to get hundreds of them.

I can't wait.

Tell me, that's corked. Yeah. It's not corked.

But it's just a bit maderized. Maderized?

What the fuck is maderized? It's a posh word for shit.

It's the day of the wedding feast

and I'm in a hurry to get the octopus.

Gino! Whoa!

We're on Sardinia's Costa Smeralda, or Emerald Coast.

Gino has taken us to one of his favourite fishing spots

on the Figarolo Island.

When I used to be a little boy, my father teach me how to do it

with a broom, with a stick and a plastic bag.

Gino... Are you joking?

The octopus see the white plastic bag

and he attaches to the plastic.

And then you just pull it out.

Is he taking us on a wild goose chase or something? Trust me.

Two boats! Oh! Oh!

Divide and conquer.

Take the left-hand side, I'll take the right-hand side.

Gino's childhood hunting technique

is based on making octopus think the plastic bag is a cuttlefish.

Wraggle it around and they can't resist it.

Apparently.

But where's the expert when you need him?

Oh, my head is killing me.

Definitely too much Gino Vino last night.

Gino! Come on!

I'm parking!

Put the stick into the rock.

We're going to need to catch at least a dozen to feed 50 guests.

Any octopus yet?

But so far, we've not even spotted one lurking in the rocks.

Gino, if I see you sunbathing one more time,

I'm going to stick this right up you know where the sun don't shine.

No, no! No!

What's wrong with you?

Gino's not the only one who's been caught with his pants down.

We will be, if we don't serve those starters in five hours.

Bring back my pants! Now!

Bring back my pants!

Whey...!

But of course, Mr Minimum Effort has yet another plan up his sleeve.

Naturally, it's another cousin to the rescue.

My cousin. Thank you very much.

Oh, look at these.

Look at that. Look at this beauty. Beautiful.

These are beautiful.

Nine, ten. Hold on. The numbers are 50.

They're staying there, yes? Yeah, 50, 55...

No. No. Don't go there.

50, max. Yes.

Grazie mille.

Thank you so much, cousin 54.

You left me naked in the sea, don't forget that.

With your tiny fucking tentacle hanging out.

When you do the napkins...

Look, let me show you.

Fred Siriex, Gino D'Acampo and I are on Sardinia's Golfo Aranci,

where we're about to put on a wedding feast

for Gino's best friends and their 50 guests.

How's it going? Yeah, very well.

Very, very well. We've got a very good team.

And they know exactly what they're doing. Fantastic.

I will be at your service.

Piano, piano. Piano, piano.

You know the good thing, guys, at least we are working together.

While Fred has designed special cocktails for the occasion...

Mm...

..we're going to be serving a mozzarella appetiser,

my lemon octopus starter

and Gino's porcheddu of suckling pig.

As Gino soaks up the sun, I'm inside the sweatbox of a kitchen.

Beautiful octopus. Really beautiful.

It's a great way of cooking octopus.

Shock them in ice water, so it protects it,

so it's going to make them really nice and tender.

First, I'm going to braise the octopus

in those lovely Sorrento lemons I picked a few days ago.

Now, peppers.

Next, I'm going to char peppers for the romesco sauce

I want to serve with it.

Tear the paper.

And we sort of rub.

And all that skin comes off.

All right, I'm getting the little piglets on the fire. Oh, my God.

Look, those are already there. Beautiful, Gino.

This, it needs three and a half hours.

That's it? That's it.

And what are you going to do while it cooks? I'm going to have a drink.

I'm going to help Gordon, otherwise he's going to start to cry. Yeah.

Hello, Fred!

Ciao!

We've got nice gin and tonics. How are you?

Oh, my God, look. You're beautiful!

Grazie.

Who chose your shirt? You chose his shirt?

Oh, I can see.

Once the guests have all been greeted by Fred,

they are served with Gino's traditional handmade appetisers.

Bravo!

That's a sexy way to eat mozzarella.

If you say so, Gino.

It's washed down with Fred's gin and tonic,

which he's made with a dash of limoncello

as a nod to the Italian tradition.

It's time for the renewal of Marco and Cleo's wedding vows

and they've asked Gino to officiate.

Just as he did on their wedding day.

After we've done these vows, then, every ten years,

I'm going to marry you.

Four years ago, I married my best friends Marco and Cleo

on this very beach.

The only problem we had, Marco and Cleo's daughter Sephora,

she was ill and everybody wanted to cancel,

but people already had the flights booked,

the hotels booked, so I begged Marco and Cleo not to cancel it

and to go through with the wedding.

But today, Sephora is here.

So I have to make sure that it's absolutely spot-on for them.

Buonasera. How long is it? Where were you?

Buonasera, ladies. Come on!

You're worse than the bride. How long has it taken you?

I've been busy in the kitchen.

How is the groom? How are you feeling? I'm fine.

And now, even Gino has to get his serious face on.

APPLAUSE

Today, Cleo has both of her daughters

to walk down the aisle with her.

Sephora and her baby sister Aurora.

OK, let's read these vows.

So, ladies and gentlemen, friends, family...

Marco, you go first.

I, Marco Silvaniei,

retake you, Cleo Silvaniei,

to be my lawful wife.

I, Marco Silvaniei, retake you, Cleo Silvaniei...

For better, for worse. For better, for worse.

For richer and for poorer. For richer and for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

I now re-pronounce you husband and wife!

Let me kiss you, the bride.

Oh, my God...

I now re-pronounce you husband and wife. And you can kiss the bride.

Un applauso!

Buon appetito. Enjoy the evening.

Oh, very nice, very nice.

We've got a table there.

Please...

Over there.

Every plate looking as good as the last one, yes?

It's time to serve my spiced octopus

with a pepper and tomato romesco sauce.

Five tens, yes?

Please, don't fuck this up. Go, please. Go, go, go.

Lovely. Voila.

I love the napkins, Fred. Thank you very much. Enjoy.

Oh, fantastico.

Do you want a bit more vino?

Delicious. Well done, Gordon.

HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING What's that noise? What's going on?

It's the smoke alarms. Fucking hell.

Gordon, you're burning the octopus!

What are you on about, burning the octopus? It's the kitchen!

Of course there's smoke in here!

Can you lift that curtain up, please?

You can't pull the curtain, because that's for alarms.

Alarm, alarm, alarm...

Fuck, look how many buttons here.

Oh, maybe not this. Fucking hell. Hey, seriously...?

Wait, wait, wait. Hey, hey, hey.

I'm halfway through serving a fucking wedding.

Come on, Gino, please! You just asked me to put the alarm down.

"Press the button," you said. I didn't say turn the lights off!

In my career, I've faced most kitchen nightmares,

but cooking in the dark isn't one of them. Until now.

Service, please!

Make sure nobody's got an empty glass.

I want everybody to be drunk and enjoy themself.

OK, go, please. Go, go, go.

Bon appetito, amore.

Fuck's sake! Next table. Fred!

Fred, it's smoke!

Get out!

Jesus Christ!

I really feel like I'm getting married again. It's lovely.

Whey! Yay!

Lift up the curtain, please. Is this the last...?

Is this the last one? This is the last table with seven people.

How is it? Are you enjoying it?

Si? Fantastic.

I'm going to mix the peppers in with the eggplant now. Yeah, all of it.

With 50 hungry guests waiting on the main,

the pressure is well and truly on again.

But Gino and I are now working like a well-oiled machine.

Gordon, look at that. They look beautiful.

And the slow-cooked suckling pig

is served with roasted vegetables on a traditional cork board

full of myrtle leaves.

Because that is a traditional way that Sardinian people do it.

The myrtle leaves signify fidelity in a marriage.

Just imagine, that's Fred's head.

Fucking hell.

This little piggy went to market. Go.

Here you are.

Wow, fantastico.

Cleo... Thank you, Fred.

This is for you. This looks amazing.

Another kiss? Why not?

So, which one do you prefer, the octopus or the pork?

The pork. The pork.

The pork?

You prefer the pork? Oh...

I'm torn at the moment.

So I'm going to tuck in.

We have some very happy guests there.

Marco and Cleo loved it. Good.

Guys, well done. Well done. It was amazing.

The bride and groom were happy. Their guests were extremely happy.

And what a setting.

I mean, I've cooked for some beautiful weddings,

but, oh, my God, on the beach, the sea there.

Amazing.

We're done in the kitchen and finally able to relax

with the happy couple over dessert.

We've got rum baba from Sorrento,

a limoncello that we personally brought in from Sorrento.

OK?

So, there we go. This is the way we want to serve it.

How much do we need to put on?

Are you trying to get everybody drunk?

Salute! ALL: Salute!

Have you had a great day?

Lovely. It's been fantastic.

Can we talk starter first?

Octopus. Amazing.

You know what, I'm really impressed with your cooking.

Thank you. Oh, that's so...

Come on.

Travelling across Italy with Gino, to be honest, it was worth it.

The dinner was superb. What a celebration.

To the octopus.

Finally!

If someone said, "Choose between the two," I'd have to go for the pork.

I'm really sorry, Gordon. I have to go for the pork. I'm sorry.

It's like trying to compare, you know, Gino and me as chefs.

There's just no comparison. Yeah, you know, I'm the best.

No, no...

Hold on... He's absolutely...

Renewing the vows was very important.

Especially because their beautiful girl was there.

I'm so grateful to have two friends like Gordon and Fred.

Just forget about it.

Marco, my best friend, and Cleo, his wife,

they had the best day ever.

I don't know how to say thank you to both of you

for making this day so special. No, you're welcome. It was amazing.

What a journey we had.

Incredible.

Naples, Sorrento, arguing, crashing the caravan...

That poor campervan. Fucking hell...

I hate the French. Oui, oui! Pourquoi?

Who is the captain of this boat? I am the captain cos we're in France.

Proud Frenchman Fred...

Waiter.

..Fred Siriex...

I'm driving. Just relax. ..takes us home.

I'm the best driver you can find.

Like my dad said, "When you drive one car, you can drive all of them."

Hey, Papa!

We travel from glamorous St Tropez...

You didn't tell me this was a nudist beach!

This is fantastic!

..to the Atlantic coast...

The bloody thing is uncontrollable. Piano!

Relax your hands. I can't relax. It's like riding a dog!

..in search of the finest French ingredients...

I like you, I like you.

I don't like you.

What are you doing there?

Are you for real?

..before taking part in a festival

with the biggest oyster fans in Europe.

# Buonasera, signorina

# Buonasera

# It is time To say goodnight to Napoli

# Thought it's hard for us To whisper, "Buonasera"

# With that old moon Above the Mediterranean Sea

# In the morning, Signorina will go walking

# In the meantime, let me tell you That I love you... #

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