All language subtitles for Gordon.Gino.and.Fred-Desperately.Seeking.Santa.WEB-DL.X264.AAC.SNAKE

MUSIC: 'Sleigh Ride'
by The Ronettes

Gordon, seriously,
do you know how to get to Santa?

Have you been here before?

No,
the dogs know where they're going.

♪ Just hear
Those sleigh bells jingling

♪ And ring tingle tingling too... ♪

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Remember Morocco last year...
what you did to me at Christmas?

This is a proper Christmas.
We're in Lapland, embrace it!

Whatever we do,
I promised my daughter

I would give
the letter personally to Santa.

I am so cold. Look at my moustache,
Gordon, it's frozen!

Gordon!
Gordon, I don't want to crash.

Argh!

This was a stupid idea.

Why can we not get
a sleigh with a proper driver?

HORN BEEPS

'Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix and I,

'are on another culinary
Christmas road trip.'

It's hard to see the road
when it's all white.

Stay in the middle, then.
Oh!

'This year, I'm determined
that we celebrate in style.'

This is the best Christmas ever!

'As always, we'll be seeking out
the very best ingredients...'

Wow, this is a feast and half.
Oh, that's lovely.

May I have one of those as well?

'..the warmest hospitality...'
Cheers.

Get pissed.

It's like licking
the inside of my granny's armpit.

'..and cool Yule cheer...'

Are you for real?

'..as Gino goes in search
of Father Christmas...'

I'm not gonna stop now,
we are this close to Santa!

'..and Fred dreams
of the Northern Lights.'

We have to be in
the most sought-after bubble,

anywhere on the planet.

Oh, my God! Look!
The kitchen is on fire!

Throw the snow.
Merry Christmas.

'It's Christmas, folks!
But not as you know it.'

Wow.

We are like a mobile Christmas tree.

Come on, this is awesome.

Look at the snow,
look how calm everything is.

It's like a postcard.

MUSIC: 'Heat Wave'
by Ella Fitzgerald

'Lapland's winter
lasts over half the year.

'A real-life Narnia,
sitting in the Arctic circle,

'guaranteeing a white Christmas

'in the homeland
of the Northern Lights.'

Look at the sun on the horizon.

I mean, this is what living is
about, guys, we're living the life.

RINGING

Oh, the alarm is going off. It's
my app to see the Northern Light.

And what's the chances of seeing
the Northern Lights tonight?

About 50%, 52%.

Have you ever seen the app
where it makes your face look older?

Look at this, Fred. You see?

It looks like you've got no teeth.
Who is it?

Don't look at it.
No, no, it's all three of us.

You look like Paul Hollywood.

Look at that.
Oh, my God.

This is what you're gonna look
like in 20 years' time.

No, stop it.
Why? Why are you so worried?

Oscar's gonna be 22
and I'm going to look like

I've just come out
of Friday The 13th.

LAUGHTER

'Lapland spans Norway, Sweden,
Finland and Russia.

'We're in northwest
of Finnish Lapland,

'starting our journey
at Lake Jerisjarvi,

'hoping to witness
the Northern Lights.

'Then, we head south to Luosto,

'where we'll be herding reindeer.

'Next, we hit ski resort town Levi,

'before our road trip ends,
in Lapland's capital, Rovaniemi.

'The official home of Santa Claus.'

It's not easy driving this thing.

I have to say, Gordon,
you are much more careful

than I've ever seen you before,
it's good to see,

it's like you have calmed down
in old age, you know.

Did you say old age?
Yeah.

Fred, you're sort of late 40s,
you're late 40s.

44 is not late 40s,
it's at the beginning of the 40.

Let's be honest,
you've spread out a little bit

across these tough times.
You've got a bit wider.

You have a tummy on you.
You do, Gino. That's not a tummy.

I'm creating
like a roof for the game room.

Let me put it straight,
you have a dad bod.

A what?
A dad bod.

You've lost your physique.

Do you guys go to the gym every day?
Four times a week.

And you?
I get up, I do my 300 push-ups.

Absolute bullshit.
301, actually, Gordon.

And these are all muscles?
You've got huge nipples.

Where are your nipples?

It's like a Brussel sprout.

You've got nipples
like a Brussel sprout.

Tense them.

I am tensing them.
That's tense?

Yes.
Dude, you could breast feed!

'One of the purest places on Earth,

'Finland has
one of the healthiest diets.

'But the extreme climate
and challenging landscapes,

'make this no country for old men.

'The vast frozen surface
of Lake Jerisjarvi

'is the perfect place
for Gino and Fred to get in shape,

'and fully immerse themselves
in the culture here.

'Literally.'

Right, this is it,
I told you it was special.

So, we're gonna go in
and plunge inside a hole in the ice.

And what does it mean,
a hole in the ice?

We're gonna take a plunge
and reinvigorate our bodies

and firm up everywhere.

And I mean everywhere!
Put your hat on.

Wowzer!
Wow! It's nippy, isn't it?

Nippy?
This is a stupid idea.

What have you got on underneath?

I've got shorts on.
What do you mean shorts?

Don't, don't, don't be stupid.

No, no, no, no.
You've nothing underneath?

Show me.
Go on, Gino.

It was the only thing I could find.
It's the only thing I could find.

'We're meeting Johanna Nordblad,

'Finland's most revered
cold-water swimmer.'

Johanna?
Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you.
What a beautiful place.

In England we have a tradition where
we jump in the sea on Christmas Day

or New Year's Day with our hats on.

With your hats on?
With our hats on.

Maybe not good for...
I don't believe you.

No, not...

Hats on or hats off?
Hats off.

Hat off.

OK, so, what's the...
what's the secret to this?

So take the robes off.

And then we take a big breath.

OK, we breathe in.

How can you look so keen?
Cos I want to get it done.

Come on, let's go.
You want to get it done?

Let's go. Oh, my God!

I'm telling you,
it's gonna go inwards.

'Ice-water swimming has proven
physical and mental health benefits,

'and some say, can even reverse
the aging process.'

OK, we breathe in and then we go...

MUSIC: 'Ice Ice Baby'
by Vanilla Ice

OK, in, breathe in.

And then we go.

'Barely above zero, the water
triggers a cold shock response.'

Oh, so...

Are you for real?

'The shock provokes rapid breathing
and an increase in heart rate,

'but you have to fight it.'

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

My legs!

Shit, no!

I put my feet in there
until my knees.

And it hurted like the...
like you wouldn't believe it.

'But no surprise
that half-man, half-frog Fred,

'is able to endure the bitter cold
longer than me.'

Shit!

Big Gordon, you know,

only did up to here. That's it.
Shit!

You didn't go inside all the way.

Perfect example of Gordon
talking the talk,

but not walking the walk.

Can I go back inside.
Try it again?

Yes, it's pain, what do you mean
it's not pain? It's pain.

It is nippy.

'I wanted to give them a slice of
Finnish across the festive season.'

We're not getting any younger.

A few of us are
spreading out a little bit wider,

and so that was
an important thing to do.

You Finnish people are crazy.
Fucking hell!

That was cold.

GINO SPEAKING

How good is it for you?

Warm up?

MUSIC: 'On Her Majesty's
Secret Service' by John Barry

'After the pain of the plunge,
I'm wondering

'if what Johanna has lined up next
is such a good idea.'

You can imagine when you're
under the freezing water, you know,

what the shock is gonna do
to your heart!

I am so nervous.

'Johanna holds the world record
for swimming 50 metres under ice.

'It's not an activity
for the faint-hearted.'

Wow. This is it?
This is it.

Now you couldn't organise, like,
a massage, like, an afternoon tea?

No, we have to get in the ice.

This is understanding
how the Finnish enjoy Christmas.

Think about the muscles,
think about your bones.

I'm thinking about,
I'm gonna die down here.

See, these are the typical thing
that Gordon organise.

He thinks that he's some kind
of James Bond or an Action Man.

He organise all this crazy thing,

which are not really necessary
to do.

'Christmas traditions aside,
this is not one to try at home.'

Jack is watching.
Yes.

Jack is watching,
you're absolutely fine.

Oscar is gonna watch this,
he's gonna think

you are like some kind
of the super daddy.

You're going
to be a super daddy now.

Go.
If you can grab him or something,

just get him
wherever he's got something big.

Stop!

OK?
Yes, thank you.

Come on, buddy, you can do it.

OK?
Shit!

At first, we go under the ice...

Come on, you can do it.

Take a little look.

'Disorientation
and cold shock is dangerous,

'so acclimatising
and controlling our breathing

'before we attempt the swim
is critical.'

Yeah, Gordon, go slowly.

'With the poor visibility,
we only have Johanna

'and a thin rope
to guide us to the first hole.'

Nice one.
Nice one.

Nice!

So, let's go to the last one
if you like? Yes.

Absolutely.

'It's nine metres to the last hole.

'I have to trust
that the adrenaline

'rushing through my body
will get me through.'

Diving under a frozen lake,
isn't it amazing?

Yes!

The king of the kitchen
now is the king of ice.

That was amazing.

'It's 12 treacherous metres
back to the first hole,

'and I'm going
to attempt it in one.'

Right, guys, you ready?

What are you doing?

Watch and learn!

♪ You're as cold as ice... ♪

The first one is done.

Second one is done.

Yes!
Well done.

Yes.
Nice one.

Well done, hey.

That was invigorating.

What that does,
it increases the blood flow,

it helps tighten things up.

Well done.

It's fucking amazing,
it just all firms up.

Every bit of fucking Scotland
just firms up.

Go on, Fred, you've got this.
Go, Freddy, you can do it.

Slowly.

You got to get in the zone,
you got to get in the moment.

This is experiencing the extreme.

Go!

He's gone, he's gone, he's gone.

He was off. He didn't even wait
for instructions,

he just wanted to get in and out
as quick as poss.

You don't have to go so fast.

I don't need to go so fast?

Yeah, now, that's the problem
with Frenchmen, they go too fast.

No, no, no. Don't worry, Johanna,
I take my time.

You know, he plunges
in that water, he loses it

and then he's in front of
this gorgeous free-diver, Johanna.

Calm down, Fred.
Slow down.

You look like a sea lion!
Just let me...

Not the best-fitting look, is it?

Looking like some washed-up walrus
struggling for a pilchard.

He has no style, that guy!

Yay!

Well done.

I think I found my inner frog.

'In a bid for Bond-like glory,

'Fred takes on
the full 12-metre dive, too.'

Is he going
to go all the way through?

Yes, yeah.

MUSIC: 'James Bond Theme'
by Monty Norman

Yes! Yes, my man.
Yes.

I feel so alive, I feel so awake.

Under the ice
in the middle of the lake,

is like almost
an out-of-body adventure.

It's almost philosophical.
It's very meditative.

'Time to see if our little
Italian anchovy has got the gills.'

Can you give me a kiss
for encouragement, please?

And another one.

Or how about a cuddle?
Later.

Get on with it, Gino!

Kiss of encouragement?

I kiss, I kiss goodbye, let's go!

Good man, Gino!

That's my boy.

And there is no crocodile?
There is no crocodile.

OK.

It's flipping freezing!

It's cold, I didn't see anything.

My lips!

Let's do it, I love you!

I love you too, Gino.

Here he goes.

MUSIC: 'Walking In The Air'
by Aled Jones

♪ We're floating in the moonlit sky

♪ The people far below... ♪

Yes!

Whoa! Wow.

This is cool.

Let's get a cuddle. This is good.

SHE LAUGHS

When I went into the freezing
cold water, then I changed.

And you get that kind of feeling
you're never going to be able

to do this again,
ever again in your life.

It's... it was just magic.

Oh, we go to the last one.

Oh, you want to?
Oh, yes.

I honestly didn't think
Gino was gonna do it.

The minute he got in that water,
he embraced Johanna

and then, bang, he was gone.

Like a bloody dolphin.

I can't believe it, look at him,
now he's going for two holes.

Master diver.

Whaaaa!

Yes!

This is cool. This is cool.

Well done!

The shock of the day is that

Gino D'Acampo
now officially can ice dive.

My testicle has froze up!

Thank you!

Yes.
Thank you very much.

I mean, where in the world
are we going to do this?

Literally,
we dived into the Finnish culture.

You were the most relaxed.
Was I the most relaxed?

He is...
he is always the most relaxed.

Thank you.
Thank you, bella.

Great job.
Was he seriously the most relaxed?

Yes!
Oh, my goodness me!

Minimum effort,
maximum satisfaction,

how many times have I told you?

Seriously?
How many times have I told you?

♪ We're walking in the air. ♪

Let's go, Gino, Fred.

Gordon, slow down!

One of these days
you're gonna kill us!

Come on, keep up!

'I can't believe we actually
made it to Finland this year.'

Listen, I always wanted to do this.

'Fred wants to see
the Northern Lights.'

Whoooo!

'Gino's determined to deliver
a letter to Santa

'from his daughter, Mia.'

This is the best Christmas ever.

'And I want to immerse myself
totally in authentic Finnish life.'

What a place
to come and spend Christmas.

'And top of my bucket list
is to meet a local Sami family.

'The oldest indigenous people
in Europe,

'the Sami have lived and worked
these lands since 1500BC.

'And I've arranged
to get there in style.'

Hey, guys, look at all
the Christmas trees here.

It looks magical.

'We've left the frozen shores
of Lake Jerisjarvi

'to head deep into central Lapland
and the small town of Luosto.

'An area famed for reindeer herding,

'it's here where I've arranged
to meet a local Sami farmer.'

Wow!
How beautiful.

What a ride!

Can you just turn
that camera on a minute?

Have you seen how stupid you look?
What do you mean how stupid I look?

I am gonna take a picture, Gino.
You look like the Michelin Man,

but it won't help you get
a Michelin star!

Just show him that. What you
talking? This is nice and warm.

Look at the size of you.
Oh, dear!

Oh, here she comes.

Anu!
Hello.

Hey, Anu. Ciao, bella.
Hello, guys.

How are you?
I'm fine.

Anu, so excited to be here,
this is Fred and Gino. Ciao, bella.

I told them
that you are the reindeer expert.

And today we want to go
and herd some reindeer.

Yes. How many reindeers
are out here on this land?

At the moment, maybe 60 to 70.

They might get scared very easily.

We need to work as a team,

so I will be giving
the orders for you right now.

We need to be on the line
when we start to move them

and we will move them to the corral.

And what happens
if they charge into us,

do we run,
or do we stop or we freeze?

Or we play dead.

Let's see what happens,
they are animals,

I cannot know that in advance.

But we will see.

'Anu's reindeer have been
grazing on the wetlands since summer

'but with the winter snow
setting in,

'we need to help her herd them
back to the farm.'

Gently, guys. Stay in a line!

MUSIC: 'Run Rudolph Run'
by Chuck Berry

Gordon and Gino, you go
the right way, we need to round them

because we need to take the reindeer
other way.

Guys, behave yourselves here.
We will.

'The herd are a mix of wild
and domesticated reindeer.

'Some are used for food and skins,
the more tame

'are carefully chosen to pull
sleighs for the tourist industry,

'a job, that at this time of year,
is normally in high demand.'

Gently, Gino. Gently.

I'm getting him, I'm getting him.

You can make some noises like,
woo, woo, woo.

Woo! Woo!
Woo! Woo!

'The key to herding reindeer
is not to spook them.

'Apparently it's a bit like
herding sheep, only bigger.'

Get in line!
Guys!

MUSIC: 'Theme From Mission:
Impossible' by Lalo Schifrin

Via, via! Gordon, stay on the right.
Stay there, stay there!

Gordon, what are you doing?
You're supposed to follow Anu.

Remember, boys, we are a team.

OK, Gordon,
let's get this one, come on.

Guys, we are working as a team.

If we don't make this happen,
Santa Claus won't have any reindeer.

Get him on the right! Get him on...
No.

Do not lose them in the forest.

Don't let them go,
don't let them go!

Gordon, don't let them go!

Gordon, no!

Ah, we lost them.
Ah, come on!

Gordon!
Hey!

This is a shamble.
This is a shamble.

Goddamn it, I'm gonna
eat every one of you fuckers.

'Mission failed.

'But Anu assures me
that her family, the pros,

'will round up the herd
in the forest

'and get them home in no time.'

Let's go!
Guys, where are you going?

Gordon, Gino, can you stop?

Guys, I'm the boss! Hey!

Anu, I am so sorry,
they never listen,

they are like this all the time.

Yes, you told me.

Naughty boys.

'Back at the farm
and we find the reindeer

'are already penned safely
in their corrals.'

SONG: 'Rudolph
The Red-Nosed Reindeer'

♪ Had a very shiny nose... ♪

Did you know that reindeer,
they don't like...

They're like bulls,
they don't like the colour red.

You're joking?
No, no, it's like bulls, right?

Anu?
Yeah, that's right.

♪ ..go down in history. ♪

Now we need to find the ones
who will be very good in sleighs.

He'll be good at that.
You'll be very good.

Why are you volunteering me
to do something like that?

Because I'm wearing red. And again,
guys, we need to be gentle.

Shall we?
Yeah, let's go.

'Anu tells us that the key
to selecting reindeer

'is to stay calm
and appear confident,

'because, if you don't, like any
animal, they'll smell your fear.'

Let's test this one, OK.
He's a big one.

Remember that reindeer,

they are scared of loud noises
and sudden movements.

So you go close gently. Which one
of you will be the brave one?

You want to walk with the reindeer.
Do as you're told.

I can see that he is
a little bit scared of you.

You don't need to be scared.

If you are scared, he will see it
and he will get scared.

OK, so what's the technique here?

Just relax.
Just walk.

Relax and walk.
Much like walking a dog.

Good idea.
We are absolutely friends.

No, we are not friends!

Hey, hey! Turn around,
he doesn't want to see your face!

And I'm serious.

How do you say, "come to me"?

SPEAKS IN SAMI, GINO REPEATS

This thing
is gonna horn me in the arse.

GINO SHOUTS IN SAMI

No, no.

LAUGHTER

Gordon, stop laughing.

What the fuck?

Shh. What the...

GINO SHOUTS IN SAMI

GORDON AND FRED LAUGHING

I am not doing it.

I'm not doing it.

That reindeer is not good for Santa.

It didn't like
the look of your face.

Let's get in the warm, come on.

'After a long day outdoors,
Anu has extended her hospitality

'and invited us to her family kota

'for a traditional
Sami Christmas feast.

'And after our dismal display
on the farm today,

'it's only right
we give her a helping hand.'

It's so cold outside.
Nice!

This is gorgeous.

And this is the... that's the stove?
Beautiful kitchen.

Yes, that's the fire,
we will cook, cook on fire.

Fred, could you please
take care of the salmon?

He doesn't cook, he's a waiter.
He doesn't really cook.

Listen, when you are French,
you are born into a kitchen.

Gino, Gino. Could you please
take care of the reindeer meat?

OK.
Do whatever you want.

Whatever I want? So I can do
an Italian recipe, no problem?

Just one question,
being the best chef here.

He's got the meat, he's got the
fish, what do you want me to do?

The potatoes.
I reserved the potatoes for you.

Do you think it is OK
if I make some meatballs?

Our kids will love it.

Gordon, what are you doing?
Have you got a technique

to peel potatoes
that everybody should know?

I'd like to make
a special potato dish.

Yes, please.
Gratin dauphinoise.

Oh, sounds great.

So, Christmas,
what will you have on Christmas Day?

Reindeer meat, of course.

'Reindeer
is Finland's national meat,

'much like us Brits and roast beef,
they love it

'and have been eating it as their
staple protein for generations.'

I say that it is probably
the most cleanest and purest

and finest meat in the whole world.

When I was a child...
CHOPPING

Chopping.

Anu,
can I ask you a question, please?

How do you suggest we prepare it?
Is there a way

that we could prepare it here
that would make it very Lappish?

Make it very simple.
I would only put little bit salt.

We take these pegs, wooden pegs,
and then we just nail it here,

and I will cook it on the open fire.

I am going to put some thyme, little
bit of mustard, salt and pepper

in there, and the cream.
And then you know that reindeer,

the smoked reindeer? I'm gonna
fry some of that over the fire

and give it an...

almost like a sort of reindeer
flavour on top of the gratin, yeah.

They're all cooked together.

I was gonna get the lid and then
maybe just dig a little hole

and put the coals over it.

This is beautiful.

This is insanely rustic!

Wow, this is a feast and a half!

Oh, just slice it like that.

And this is just completely raw,
there is no smoked

or anything like that?
This is raw!

Can I try?
Yeah, why not?

I just wanna say this is Rudolph, so
I have to apologise to my daughter.

Gino, actually that's not Rudolph,
because we have the Rudolphs,

the sleigh reindeer,
we don't eat our sleigh reindeer.

They are our family members,

sometimes they can be
very big personalities.

Wow, sweet. These are...
Yes.

A little bit of butter in there,
please.

There you go.

Just lean back. Oh, look at that!

A little bit of Finnish vodka.

Mind your quiff!
Wow.

Christmas flair.

Shit!
Mind the quiff!

I told you many times,
mind the quiff!

Shit!

Want a taste?
Wow.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.
Mmm.

Yummy.
Did I burn my eyebrows?

Yes, you did.
Fuck, I can smell the hair.

And here
you can see that you got...

Hello. How are you?

Ah. This is my family.

Yanni.
This is Mils, three years old.

Inga is five years old, and Mina 18.

Anu, what's the tradition
on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?

So, Santa Claus is very important.
What's on his wish list?

A robot!
A robot thing.

A robot? Shall we serve?
Yes!

'Gino's rustled up
some reindeer balls,

'Fred's marinated
and cooked his salmon by the fire

'and, my Christmas table favourite,
potato dauphinoise

'with smoked reindeer, has been
slow roasting in the embers.'

Smells good.

So, how do you say,
"Enjoy your meal?"

Buorre borranlusttu.
ALL: Buorre borranlusttu.

'I'm just hoping
that the family like our take

'on their traditional
Christmas fare.'

Guys, what do you think
about the food? Delicious.

SHE SPEAKS SAMI
Inga, the little one, you like it?

Very good girl.

This is the first time that
I'm having a proper reindeer feast,

and it's an experience
that I will never forget.

The reindeer is delicious,
really good indeed.

But I think the potatoes
brings it all together.

Very delicious.
GINO GIGGLES

Merry Christmas all of you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Listen...

Yes. I asked 100 people
what they think about you.

You know what the answer was?
On the show?

Yes!
Go on.

AS BUZZER: Eh-eh.
That's what the answer is.

Eh-eh!
APP DINGS

Oh, the alarm is going off.

It's my app to see
the Northern Light.

KP4. It's 52% of chance to see
Northern Light here in this...

in this location.

'Finland is world renowned
as one of the places

'to catch a glimpse
of the Northern Lights.'

We really are in the middle
of nowhere.

We are.

'The more remote you are, the better
the chances of seeing them,

'so I've booked us
into three aurora domes,

'igloo-shaped tents,

'which are geographically positioned
facing north

'to see the spectacle in the sky
also known as the Aurora Borealis.'

GINO OVER RADIO:
'Guys, can you hear me?'

'Ah, oui, Gino.'
'Salut mon ami!'

'This is an incredible igloo,
my friend.'

How comfy is the bed!

'It's unbelievable!'

APP DINGS
'Guys, listen to this.'

It's 60%, the chances
of seeing the Northern Light.

Well, it's gone up.

'OK. And how long
do we need to wait?'

'Well, it looks like maybe an hour
or so,'

but it's happening, guys,
it's happening!

'Have a look
on the side of your bed.'

'Yeah, I am opening
the big one now!'

'I got a Swansea! I got a Swansea!'

'A onesie, you donut.'

'Is this from you?'
'Yes, indeed.

'Gino, what the ... is this thing?'
'That is a willy warmer

'to make sure that you
don't get your willy frozen!'

HE CHUCKLES

'I mean, for God's sake!'
Very thoughtful.

'Gordon, Gino,
the Northern Lights,

'I don't think
it's coming out tonight.'

'Fred, that app is not working.'

'I'm gonna go to bed.'
'Goodnight.'

'Goodnight.'

'When solar wind from the sun hits
particles in the Earth's atmosphere,

'energy is released, causing
this elusive wonder of the world.'

MUSIC: 'Flying Theme'
by John Williams

SNORING

'If only we'd seen them for real.
Damn.'

MUSIC: 'Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!' by Dean Martin

You got some croissants?
No.

I've got an idea.
You guys are chefs, right?

Can you beat him
at an omelette competition?

Who can make the fastest omelette
is gonna be the king.

Have you seen the size
of the kitchen? Ah!

Have you seen...
How are we gonna cook in here?

Are you ready, steady... cook!

MUSIC: 'How D'Ya Like Your Eggs
In Your Morning'

by Dean Martin & Helen O'Connell

Oh, shit! Gino, I don't like shell
in my omelette.

No, no, but you can't push though!

He's pushing!

Gordon, you're putting shell
everywhere!

What is that?!
Where's the salt, where's the salt?

Wait, wait.
Open your legs, open your legs!

FRED GIGGLING, CLAPPING

Look at that! Look at that!

Oh, shit!

Oh, the kitchen is on fire!
No, Fred, Fred!

Throw the snow, throw the snow!

Oh, shit!
Throw the snow!

Shit. Shit.
LAUGHTER

Shit.

Let's clean up and let's go.

'Breakfast fight club over,

'Gino's decided that this morning
he wants to stop off

'in the HaliPuu forest to meet
a man he met on the internet.

'Heaven help us.'

I'm going to take you to Steffan,

which is a guy
that I met on Instagram.

They call him the campfire barista.

He makes coffee
in the middle of the forest.

How many cups of coffee
do you have a day?

Espressos - I probably do between
eight and ten,

the little ones.
Wow, that's a lot.

'Despite Gino and his fellow
countrymen's best efforts,

'it's the Finns who claim the title

'of the biggest coffee consumers
in the world,

'drinking on average over 1,700 cups
per person annually.'

Which way?
It's this way.

You're gonna have to trust me.

Can you not smell the coffee?

'Gino reckons here in the forest,

'they're taking coffee making
to new heights.'

A coffee shop here
in the middle of the forest?

How cool is this?

Come on, guys.

Hey-ho!
Good morning!

'After a long trek,
we eventually found our way

'to Steffan and Riitta's
unique campfire cafe.'

Nice to meet you, how are you?
Nice to meet you. Oh, wow.

The boys, they thought

that I was going to get lost here
in the forest.

You easily do get lost,
but, I mean, you found a way, I see.

How long do you have
to wait for customers?

If you really want to meet me
in the forest,

then you have to send me
a message on social media,

like what you did,
and you can come for a coffee.

Tell the boys the secret
of your coffee.

Why this coffee so special?

A friend of mine,
he makes the beans in three batches

and roasts them at three
different levels. Thank you.

And then mixes them.
Ooh, that's lovely.

Every level of roasting gets
different tastes out of the bean.

What if I just make you a coffee,

you can taste what it's about?
That would be fantastic!

Right, I'll have
an American white please,

thank you.
Yeah. An American white?

LAUGHTER
What the...?! Are you serious?

Yeah. An American...
So you come here and...

"I'll have an American white!"

'Fred may be going traditional,
but Gino has done some research

'for a change, and is going
off-piste with his order.'

Steffan, this is delicious.

Tell me about the chaga chai coffee.

The chaga is a mushroom
that grows in the birch tree.

This is how it looks like.
It's... It's really hard.

It's like a rock.

If you see it on the tree,
it's like this giant black lump.

It looks like charcoal.

Lappish people, they say that if you
drink one drop of it every day,

you get more than 100 years old.

Can we have the bottle?
Smell it.

Because he's worried
he's getting older, so this is...

You're gonna last for 2,000 years!
THEY LAUGH

So this is the chaga mushroom

with chai spices
and juniper berries and sugar.

I'll make for you a chaga chai
with some espresso in there.

Are you frothing the milk?
Yes.

That's basically
what barista means, isn't it?

Professional milk frother.

'Using only the fire
and primitive tools,

'Steffan's menu features everything
you'd expect to see

'in a trendy cafe back home.'

Come on, try the chaga chai,
it's lovely, Gordon.

Oh, that's lovely. May I have one
of those as well, please?

I can make you one.
This is very good.

Mmm!

That is incredible with espresso,
lifts everything up. Yeah.

Can I just say, what a contrast?

From last Christmas when
we were in the middle of a desert,

we've got camels, and, look,
we've got the snow, amazing coffee.

Give me the guitar, because you...

No, no... This is...
No...

Gino.

♪ Last Christmas
I gave you my heart

♪ And the very next day
You gave it away

♪ Gave it away

♪ This year to save me from tears

♪ I'll give it to someone special

♪ Special... ♪

You have to look into her eyes.
♪ Special. ♪

THEY LAUGH

What's so exciting for me
is just how peaceful this place is.

What's the name of this forest?

It's the hugging tree forest.
It's the hugging tree forest.

What do you mean, "a hugging tree"?

This summer, we had the first ever

tree hugging
world championships here.

Sorry, what is that?

I know we've had some spice
in our chaga coffee,

but world champion
tree hugging competition? Yes.

MUSIC: 'O Christmas Tree'
by Geoff Gascoyne

OK, let's go and see the trees,
then.

Right.
Are we gonna hug a tree?

Yes. That's what they do here.
Fucking hell.

Embrace the culture, Mr Ramsay,
embrace the culture!

RIITTA: You can pick the ones
that you want.

'And with forest covering
75% of the country,

'we won't be short of options.'

You get the same hormones as when
you are hugging a human being,

so the act of hugging a tree
is the same as hugging a person.

That means that this Christmas,
people can go out hugging trees.

There's not really a technique,
you can't do it wrong.

This is crazy, erm...
Are you going to do it?

No, I'm not hugging a tree.
Yes, you are, Gordon.

You are hugging a tree.

What's wrong with you?
You're always stressed!

Listen to what the lady says...
Go and hug a tree.

It's good for you to hug the tree.

It's good for you to hug the tree,
so you are going to be more relaxed!

I'm not... You are hugging the tree.
You are not kicking the tree,

you are hugging the tree!
Come on!

Hug the bloody tree!
Hug.

That's it.

LAUGHTER

We're in an amazing moment,

drinking the most exquisite coffee,
and that turns to hugging trees.

That's where I'm gonna
draw the line.

To be in this forest
is completely mind-blowing.

I'm not surprised that this country

is the happiest country
in the world! What a French tart!

LAUGHTER

You see what it is like
to be with them!

I gave the tree everything I had.

SEDUCTIVE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Stop! Stop!

How was my technique?

I think your technique sucked!

What do you mean
my technique sucked?

LAUGHTER
Oh, look at the tree, how happy!

MUSIC: 'Here Comes Santa Claus'
by Gene Autry

♪ Right down Santa Claus lane... ♪

What's your routine in the morning?

You know what, I love Earl Grey.

You've got an Earl Grey box
and inside you've got PG Tips.

HE LAUGHS

I can't have tea in the morning,
it doesn't wake me up.

I got into peppermint tea as well.

I remember my parents getting
into mint tea like this. Yeah.

Gordon, that's a sign
of getting old.

So, I'm sorry to say that
but fucking hell, man, seriously?

How are your joints this morning?

Maybe because I am ten,
12 years younger

than some of you,
I don't have these problems.

I want to keep fit,
I want to continue running,

I want to continue
doing Ironman,

but there will come a time
when you can't do any of that.

It's quite scary.

But, Gordon, this is a fact of life,
it's going to happen.

I think if we look
at the bright side of it,

we will have the chance
to see each other getting old.

Some people, they don't.
That's true.

You look at my dad.

I lost him when he was 60 years old.
Yeah.

My father passed at 54,

so he never got to...
54?

54, so he never, ever got a chance
to meet the kids.

He met Tana once.

Do you think about your dad
sometimes?

I think about him...

you know, what would he be
doing now, you know,

in amongst these tough times,
you know? How would he manage?

Because it's not easy
for that generation.

If you ask me now, I would probably
give one of my hands away, easily,

to spend one day with my dad
and with my mother.

You've still got a great
relationship with your father, Fred?

I called him yesterday and he said
to me, "You know, me and your mum,

"we were always worried
when you were at school,

"you were doing silly things,
and here you are,

"you still do the same thing that
you were doing when you were a kid."

'With over 100 miles to go
until we reach Rovaniemi,

'the official home
of Santa Claus,

'we're making a pit-stop
in the ski resort town of Levi.'

Look at the reflection of the RV.
Look at that!

'And Fred's in charge
of our evening entertainment.'

Ah, here we go.
All right, boys.

We good?
Let's do some drinking!

GLASSES CLINK
This is beautiful. Good evening.

Hello, welcome!
Hello, welcome!

What a gorgeous place. How are you?
Buonasera!

Ohh!

Is it cold upstairs?
It's freezing.

We need something
to warm up the cockle,

as we say in Italian.

Do you have any terva, please?
Of course.

'Terva is a traditional Finnish
spirit, made using edible tar,

'most commonly extracted from pine.

'It's been used for centuries
in boat construction,

'but in Finland, remarkably,

'it's also used to flavour food
and drink.'

Is it good for you?
Because tar is not good for you.

Well, they now are making it

so it is not a carcinogen any more,
you know.

So you can drink it safely,
and it's going to be an experience.

In Italy we say saluti,
what do you guys say here?

Kippis. Get pissed? OK!
No, not get pissed!

In Lapland, it's not allowed
to serve alcohol

with the purpose of getting drunk,
can you believe it?

What!?
Yeah, it's true, it's the law.

Cheers. Merry Christmas.

Get pissed!

MUSIC: 'Have Yourself A Merry
Little Christmas' by Ella Fitzgerald

Ah, oh!
This is actually delicious.

GORDON COUGHS

It's so well balanced.
It's really nice, isn't it?

Yeah, the smokiness and the pine.
Oh, come here.

Do you have a napkin, please?
Why you haven't finished yours?

Thank you, excuse me.
Urgh!

The smoky flavour.
It's not too strong.

Seriously? It's like licking
the inside of my granny's armpit,

and she smoked 60 a day.

This is great to have,
in front of a fireplace,

with a bit of cheese,
few biscuits.

Thank God none of you are chefs.

It's nice to discover new things.

Can we order a selection
of your vodka,

maybe three or four shots
or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MUSIC: 'Holly Jolly Christmas'
by Michael Buble

'The Finns are a nation obsessed
with vodka...'

Cheers. Thank you.
Saluti.

Saluti.
Get pissed.

'In 2019, the 5.5 million people
who call Finland home

'consumed a staggering six million
litres of the grain-based spirit.'

What's in this one?
That's a blueberry mule.

I am not driving!
That's a very wise choice!

ALL: Cheers.

Oh, see, that's delicious.
Ah, that's very refreshing, no?

Very Christmassy. That is delicious.
What's the most popular drink here?

Jaloviina.

The famous cut brandy.

The story with this is that,
you know,

Finnish people usually hide this
behind the sauna from their wives

and then they go in the evening
sauna with the guys and you know...

LAUGHTER

Is the vodka getting to your head,
Gordon? What the hell?!

LAUGHTER

'With the Frenchman deservedly
covered in vodka,

'I think it's probably time
for me to call it a night.'

Sorry about that, guys.

'But bar owner Rasmus, has one last
Finnish culinary tradition

'he's keen for us to experience.'

What the hell are these?

Well, they are actually
sauna sausage cookers, so...

Stop it!
Yeah.

Am I being punked?
You cook a sausage in the sauna?

So you eat and drink
in the sauna,

and you stick the sausage inside
and stick it on the rocks?

You should embrace this.
This is a new way to cook.

Where is the sauna?
Er, it's parked outside.

What's more Finnish
than three naked guys in a sauna?

Well, let's go, Gordon, come on!

Sorry, about the mess...
Don't worry. And the Frenchman.

Thank you!
Ciao, ciao!

'Remarkably, a mobile sauna parked
outside an apres-ski bar

'is the norm in Finland,

'so in the spirit of doing
as the locals do...'

Sausages?

Sausages? Where are the sausages?
In the fridge.

Let's go, guys.

MUSIC: 'Hot In Herre'
by Nelly

Oh, my lord!
Come on.

Oh, it's nice and hot.

♪ It's getting hot in here
So take off all your clothes. ♪

What in the hell are you wearing?

Justin is back!
He wanted to be with the boys.

Hello, Gordon. Merry Christmas!

Oh, come on!

I want you to guess your sausage.

Who's in this one?

Er, Fred?
Fred.

Ooh!

That's mine.

Oh, you bastard!
FRED LAUGHS

Why did you make mine smaller
than Fred's?

What the hell!?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That is... That's not funny!

'With a hot tub bolted
on to the back of the sauna...'

Sorry...
Argh!

'..it felt only right
to end the night with a plunge.'

Oh, wow.

So you can come out here naked,
nobody says anything?

So is that normal?
Get in.

It's normal, OK. Hiya! Ah!

Hello! Here you are.
Oh, no, no, Fred, no more!

Come on.
No, no, Fred.

Have the last one before...
The last one. Merry Christmas, guys.

Merry Christmas...

What the f...?
ACCORDION PLAYING

Merry Christmas!

♪ I wish you a Merry Christmas

♪ I wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year. ♪

CHEERING
ALL: Woo!

Merry Christmas, guys.
Thank you.

♪ We are going to see Santa Claus

♪ Ho, ho... ♪

Fuck me.
♪ Ho, ho

♪ Because we have been good boys

♪ Oh, oh
Oh, oh

♪ It feels like
The first day at school

♪ Oh, oh
Oh, oh

♪ We are going to see Santa Claus

♪ With loads of fit elves... ♪

Fit elves!
Yes.

Now, I want to ask you a question.

Do you know why Santa Claus
always comes down the chimney? No.

Because he knows better
not to come to the back door.

FRED GIGGLES
Oh, my God.

GINO AND FRED GIGGLE

Look at your face.

Is it me or is it hot in here?

'After an extraordinary journey,
we finally arrive in Rovaniemi.'

Oh, I think we're here!

'The official home of Santa Claus,

'and the festive epicentre
of Lapland.'

MUSIC: 'It's Beginning To Look A
Lot Like Christmas' by Michael Buble

'Over eight million people
have visited Santa's village,

'usually, tourism brings in
over a billion euros a year.

'In normal times,
this place is a magnet for children

'from all over the world.'

London. Paris!
Ah, there we go, Roma.

'This year I've brought
my two big kids.

'First stop, Santa Claus's
official post office.'

This is it, finally!

We are close, I can smell him.

'Receiving half a million letters
for Father Christmas annually,

'this post office is one
of the busiest in the world.'

Oscar would go crazy for these,
little reindeers.

I'm taking this.
No, no.

You're not getting Mrs Claus.
Why not?

Gordon, she's one of us.

She's definitely one of us!

GORDON CHUCKLES

Every time I look in the mirror,
I've got a beaver on my face.

And?
Well, I just need a proper mask.

Well, Justin wanted to be here
with us,

but it's too cold, so I thought
I'm gonna do a beaver mask.

Can I just say this
is a beautiful shop?

An official post office, right?
Official post office. It is.

Can we read some of the letters?
Yes, of course.

'Received from over 200 countries,

'every single wish list is opened

'and we've got a chance
to see what's in Santa's sack.'

Look, they sent the mask this year
for Santa, that's so cool. Oh!

I've got one from France here.

The address is
Monsieur Le Pere Noel,

Avenue de Rein -
Reindeer Avenue.

But Pierre Noel,
it sounds so romantic in French.

Father Christmas. Yes.
So, this is from Poland.

Look...

How beautiful is that?
This guy is taking the mick.

How many presents does he want?
"Dear Santa,

"can I have a farm with 100 acres,
four dogs, eight rabbits,

"five otters, nine alpacas..."
And it's not finished.

"Can I have a yoga studio, a boat,

"a tennis field,
two camping sites..."

I don't think he's gonna get
anything, the greedy little thing.

I thought it was something that
you only see in a children's book.

But there is actually
a proper Santa post office

with elves...
Well, "elves".

This is the real thing!

I think we feel so privileged
to be here right now,

and open all these people's letters,
but where is he? Where is the man?

I think you can ask from the elves
at the canteen. They know.

Hold on, there's an elf canteen?

Yeah.
Stop it!

MUSIC: 'A Marshmallow World'
by Brenda Lee

'The elves' canteen seems to consist
of sweets, cakes, candy,

'and more cakes.'
They smell really good.

'Under the circumstances,

'it would be rather Rude-dolph
not to knock up a sweet treat.'

What have you got? Check these out!
Oh, nice.

Elf, please, could you melt that
in the fire for me, please?

Just the water and the butter?
Yes, of course.

Have you ever cooked with elves?

Er, I've never cooked with elves,
and it's a bit bizarre for me

but they look very sweet.
Thank you, Jo-Jo.

'I'm baking a traditional
Finnish bundt cake.'

It's like a dark, rich spicy sponge,

perfect for Christmas.
OK.

'I'm using some of Lapland's
most popular spices

'cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg
and cloves.'

Are you hot?

Gino...
No, no, no, I'm here to serve.

'Melted butter and sour cream,
cocoa, flour and eggs...'

Ah, yes.
Thank you. Thank you.

'..40 minutes in the oven - done.

'Bundt cakes' defining feature
is their shape...'

Yes!

'And mine is like a Lappish crown.'

No, no, no!

Don't finger my cake!

I'm not fingering it,
I'm just feeling it.

'Topped off with a chocolate glaze
and Finnish berries,

'my Christmas cake is complete.'

Merry Christmas to you all.

Oh, wow! Amazing!
Thank you so much!

DOGS BARKING

'In return for cake,
I've had a tip-off from the elves

'on the quickest way
to get to Santa's office.'

MUSIC: 'Sleigh Ride'
by The Ronettes

I have to say when you told me
that we were going to go to Lapland,

I wasn't expecting to see
so many dogs' bumholes here.

Oh, this one has done a poo
while he was running!

This is more like Crap-land,
not Lapland!

Hey, look at the scenery!

I brought you to Lapland
for a reason,

so just take it in,
will you, please?

I understand why Santa
made Lapland his home.

I mean, look at this, this is
the perfect place for him, isn't it?

I'm excited to meet Santa, Gino,

but, you know,
if we don't meet him...

What do you mean, "We don't meet
him"? No, Gordon promised.

THEY YELL

I don't want to die!

Did someone just shit themselves?
Sorry, boys!

Have you farted? Yes.
You farted on top of me, Gino!

I know, but this is Gordon,
it's not my fault.

Gordon, can I just say,
this is your best driving so far.

Yes.
FRED GIGGLES

It's very cold,

but I'm glad I'm with you guys,

three of us in the middle
of Lapland.

OK, let's go!
Santa, here we come, baby!

MUSIC: 'All I Want For Christmas
Is You' by Mariah Carey

Finally today, I'm going to meet,

as we call him in Italia,
Babbo Natale - Santa Claus.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in.

WHISPERS: Let's go, come on.

This is the man.

Hello...
Oh...

Babbo Natale.
Papa Noel.

I've got a letter that,
please, I have to give to you.

Yes, of course.
"Hello, Santa."

So, we...
THEY LAUGH

Can I call Mia, my daughter?
Of course you can.

Hi, Daddy!
Hey, Bella!

Hi, Mia!

Hey, look, look, look,
do you remember the letter

that you gave me? Look.

Hello, Mia.

I... I've got your letter.

Please may I have an instant camera,
an instant mini camera?

As you know, you can wish a lot

and some of those wishes
may come true.

Hey, Mia, say goodbye.

Bye!
Bye-bye and merry Christmas!

Daddy's going to see you very soon,
I love you! Bye, Mia.

MIA: I love you!
GORDON: Good night.

Ciao, bella. So sweet.

I do have a present for you.
Thank you.

I think you're gonna like this.
OK, so, what's this?

Oh...
HE LAUGHS

There is a picture of the new
presenter of Family Fortunes.

Yes.
Oh, that's you!

He's just stuck his name
on the front of that.

He's only done four episodes.

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC: 'Santa Claus Is Comin'
To Town' by Bing Crosby

But I've been a good boy.
Really? Me too.

But let's see what does
this say about Gordon.

Oh, OK.

We haven't got all night.

This note about your swearing,

you're just a little bit
of a potty mouth.

BEEPING

I told them how unique Lapland
would be.

'It's been a very adventurous week.

'To experience what we've done
has been magnificent.'

♪ Hey, jing my bells,
Jing my bells

♪ Jing it all the way... ♪
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

We are not, we are not.

I'm so excited! I just met Santa!

I know I'm 49 and I shouldn't be
so excited, but I am.

♪ Snow is falling

♪ All around me

♪ Children playing

♪ Having fun... ♪

'We've been so lucky,
so grateful

'that we were able to travel
and come here in Lapland.

I learnt about Finnish
and Lappish culture.

You know, it's a world
of two extremes. Hot and cold.

Just like Gordon makes me feel.
HE LAUGHS

'You don't understand
how happy I am

'that I've met, finally,
Santa Claus.

'And to be able to spend Christmas
with my buddies...'

..it's a dream come true.

♪ Merry Christmas, everyone

♪ Oh, snow is falling
Snow is falling

♪ All around me
All around me

♪ Children playing
Children playing

♪ Having fun
Having fun

♪ It's the season

♪ Love and understanding

♪ Merry Christmas, everyone

♪ Merry Christmas, everyone

♪ Merry Christmas, everyone! ♪

Can you please note it down, please?

Next year, he shouldn't get nothing,
nothing, nothing at all!

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