Original subtitles

GORDON: What are you doing?

FRED: What are you doing? GINO: Pulling my socks off,

cos my feet are boiling. Are you joking, Gino? No, Gino.

My feet stink.

Gino, just stop it. Agh, no, no, not water!

Agh! I am all wet now. GINO AND GORDON LAUGH

FRED: What is wrong with you two?

GORDON: Welcome to Texas.

HORN SOUNDS

What I like about Texas? The state's motto.

It's "friendship". Very much in this cabin right now!

Exactly. High five. High five.

High five. No, that's your foot!

GINO AND FRED LAUGH

Have you smelled...? THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God!

We've got a convoy!

GORDON: Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix and I

are on a brand-new culinary adventure,

across Mexico and the US of A.

It looks like you.

Stop the car!

'We're in search of the most memorable ingredients...'

I love testicles. My dad cooked them all the time.

'..amazing vinos...' Slow down, Gino.

'..and spectacular views.'

WOLF WHISTLE

'I want to show them the food here is bigger, bolder and better.'

Whoo! He's on fire.

'Trouble is, Gino and Fred are stuck in their old Euro ways.'

Reminds me of a cassoulet, very French.

Where I come from, we don't do that. Well, this is America, honey.

'Three amigos.'

I've got some in my eyes!

'Three big egos.'

Gino! How do we get out of here now?

'Back on the road, together again.'

I'm not being party to this.

Holy shit!

Road trip across America. We're gonna end up in jail!

MUSIC: 'Waltz Across Texas' by Ernest Tubb

Would you drive a little bit slower? Just giving it some welly.

FAUX TEXAN ACCENT: Ooh, shit my boots!

Can I just say, I'm scared?

'After 2,500 miles on the road,

'Gino, Fred and I have made it to Texas,

'the second-largest state in America.'

HORN SOUNDS

Uh-oh. Oh!

Wow, that was close. That was very close, man.

Oh, my God.

It's fine, we're fine.

And we're in the heart of Texas,

where it's all about bourbon, barbeques, beef and cowboys.

There is no country anywhere on the planet

that does a barbeque like the Texas state.

My God, you're giving me a heart attack.

'We'll be travelling nearly 700 miles across the Lone Star State.

'First stop, Lexington,

'before heading to Texan Hill Country and Wimberley,

'then through the state capital, Austin,

'to reach Palestine.

'And our final destination is Stephenville,

'the rodeo capital of the world.'

We've got a population, 1,177. It's like a one-horse town, isn't it?

This town looks a bit weird.

It looks like a Texan chainsaw massacre here.

Know what we'd say in Italian? IN SPANISH: El culo del mundo.

You're French, not Italian.

Yeah, no, but it's an expression I know.

I don't think you know what you are!

THEY CHUCKLE

I think you are confused sometimes, Fred.

It's OK to be confused, but the important part

is to talk about it, Freddo. Have you told your parents?

HE CHUCKLES

'This humble, unassuming town is actually home

'to one of the best barbeque shacks known to man.'

Some good news, he's putting his socks on.

We need to do washing. Here we are.

Look at this! Ooh, la, la, look at that.

'Snow's only opens on Saturdays,

'but that didn't stop it being named best Texan barbeque in the world

'by the New Yorker magazine.'

Hello. Hi, how are you? G'day!

No, no, that's Australian. That's Australian. "Hi, y'all."

Hi, low! Hi, low. Y'all! Oh, y'all.

Can you smell that brisket? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Welcome! Welcome to Snow's. Good to see you, are you well?

How are you? What can we get y'all today?

We'll go for whatever you think is fit, it smells delicious.

I'll get you fixed up. What you want to drink?

Cold beer, please. Thank you very much.

Sir, how good is the food here? Amazing. Amazing? Spectacular.

What are you having, brisket, there?

Brisket, spare ribs, sausage, a little pork loin.

I was trying to explain to the boys, there's no plates here.

You just serve on a tray.

Your plate is your paper.

Look at this.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Is this for one person? You're in Texas.

Thank you, sir. Oh, my God. Whoa!

This looks incredible. Talk me round the platter.

Well, you've got pork ribs, brisket and pork shoulder steak.

This is amazing. I've never had anything as good as this.

These ribs are incredible. What's the rub on there?

How do you start the process?

Everything here is strictly salt and pepper.

The mistake we make in the UK...

That... instead of getting good quality meat,

we cover it with barbeque sauce, ketchup, mustard.

Too much marinade, we put in.

If you see a barbeque back home,

it's this little grill, silly little bits of charcoal,

it's about this big. I'm looking at these.

To the naked eye, they look like oil tanks.

I built every one of these myself.

Hand-built them. I did. Wow.

And what wood are you using? Post oak.

It's a less subtle wood, there's no strong smoke to it.

And Miss Tootsie, that's my pit master,

she's 84 years old and that's what she had used in the past.

Oh, my God, 84 and she's still working?

Working a full-time job during the week

and then comes here on Saturday and you can't keep up with her.

My God. Can we say hello to her? You'll speak to her, you bet.

'On any given Saturday, Snow's sells over 200 pounds of barbeque meat,

and most of it is served up by Lone Star legend, Miss Tootsie.'

Howdy, Gordon. Mwah!

Hey, Miss Tootsie.

So happy you're with us here today.

Honestly, I've just tasted some magic.

What's the secret behind a great barbeque?

It takes a lot of tender love and care.

Right. What's that there? That's your pork shoulder.

You wanna mop your pork steaks?

When you say "mop" them, what does that mean?

We have a mop stick, just like a mop.

Wow. And what is that? That consists of water, onion,

butter, mustard, Worcestershire sauce and vinegar.

Can I show you how I heat it? Please.

We had filled this full of wood and it has burned down.

We use post oak wood.

It has to be dry cos if not it does not make a good red coal.

'After watching Tootsie set such a fine example,

'Gino is shamed into helping out.'

Knock them down first. God, it's hot in here!

Watch out, he's never worked this hard in his life.

I wish it was hot and flaming.

You'd be squealing like a pig how hot it is, it's done burned down.

Squeak like a pig! Very good. Very good.

Did I do well? You did well.

Thank you, my darling.

'The genius of Snow's barbeque is in the understanding

'that the kind of wood you use is as important for the flavours

'as the meat itself.'

'So, we're heading to a place deep in the heart of Texan Hill Country.

'Wimberley. 800 miles south west and 1,000 feet above the sea level.'

MUSIC: 'On The Road Again' by Canned Heat

This area of Texas produces some of the best wood for a barbeque

anywhere on the planet. Do you know the difference

between cooking with wood or charcoal?

Well, the wood you get the aroma of the smoke of the wood, right?

Way, way better flavour.

My burger restaurant in Vegas, we cook with apple chip

and the flavour on the burger is extraordinary. Yeah.

GINO: "Loma Alta Ranch."

'The sand and gravel soils here

'create the perfect environment for post oak to thrive.

'And we're going off-road, into the woods,

'to find the very best.'

This is deep Texas, guys.

This looks a little bit like Africa.

Very bumpy round here, no? Watch out, there's... Mind the tree!

Am I OK on the right-hand side? Mind the...

You are OK... Mind the tree! Shit.

Whoa!

Piano, cazzo! Look in front of you.

'We've come here to meet Josh, owner of the Woodchucks Company...'

Wow, here we go.

'..who supply wood for barbeques all over Texas.' Hello.

What a beautiful place. Nice to meet you, man.

'What Josh and his lumberjack team don't know about wood

'ain't worth knowing.'

Over here, we have post oak.

This is, in Texas, considered, like, THE wood. Yeah.

You know? So this is a dead tree. You can tell that it's been dead

by the way that it's seasoned on the outside.

And it's a lot lighter, right? It's a lot lighter.

That's what you want. You want it to be dense, especially

if you're gonna be barbequing with the wood.

Do you feel ready to cut some wood?

Yes, my friend. I was born for stuff like that.

Do you have any idea how hard a lumberjack job is?

Well, what is it? You put that... Pow, pow, pow,

the wood's split, off we go.

You wanna feel how sweaty I am? Er, no thank you.

THEY LAUGH But I do believe you!

Where are they? I'll show you them, back here.

Thank you. Watch out for snakes. Snakes?

Yeah. There's some scorpions...

But, you know what? If we get a bite from a snake,

what you've gotta do is suck on the bite.

Yeah? I'm not gonna let him suck anything.

And these are real lumberjacks, right?

These are real lumberjacks.

They used to get dropped off from the school bus

and go straight to work. Morning, gents.

Is this the... the dry oak? Yes, sir.

Hello. How are you? Hi.

'Brothers Jimmy and Frankie have been lumber-jacking

'since they were six years old.'

So, the secret is...?

Well, the secret is... is chopping it.

Chopping? Chopping it.

This is how you do it, like this. I'll show you, one time.

Come on, let's see you try it. Stand back, Freddo.

You are such a macho man.

SINGING: Macho, macho man. I'm so sorry about these two.

SINGING: I've got to be a macho... Agh, I've been stung!

By what? I've been stung.

No, no, it's a cactus.

It's a nettle. Look at his socks.

I mean, do you ever see men like this in Texas?

No. Very rarely, right?

We never cut wood in pink shorts or any shorts, really.

Don't listen to him, you look very pretty.

You gotta have this in Texas. ALL LAUGH

You gotta have what in Texas? Muscles.

'It's refreshing to meet proper men.

'Lumberjacks. A bit different to Fred and Gino.'

They're not even on the same page.

Go to that tree, see what you can do.

The big one? Watch out, Fred's swinging.

HE GRUNTS

Seriously. I mean... Am I the only one doing this?

You try it.

Gino, try and... try and hit the same hole.

Yeah, more than once.

Why can't we just buy it?

We are buying it. We're chopping it first.

Think about how good this is gonna taste.

And he lives in London too. Oh, my God.

GORDON LAUGHS

How am I doing? No good at all.

That's the worst chopping I've ever seen.

Why? You gotta hit it. I've gotta hit it?

My daughter could do better than that.

Oh, my God.

My God, Gino, put some effort into it!

Let's let Gordon try it.

Thank you. Thanks, guys. No, no, honestly,

you're fucking embarrassing us.

These guys are lumberjacks. You look like a jackass.

Out the way. Hit it a bit harder than that.

Hide behind the tree there.

Vai, vai! Come on.

There you go. You're making a dent in it.

Yeah. Come on, Gordon.

Come on back, draw back further. Draw back further.

GORDON EXHALES

Don't worry about the sunglasses and highlights,

they look good, they look good. He's got highlights.

Yeah. There you go.

Shit. Is it coming?

LUMBERJACKS LAUGH Shit. Fucking hell.

Vai, vai! This was your idea. Vai, carry on.

'Gordon, once again, was trying to prove

'that he's the master of something,

'and he's the big man, the strong one, the macho.'

He's sweating like a pig.

How long would it take you, normally? We don't use an axe.

You don't use an axe? No.

Shit, what do you...? We're in the... in the 2000s.

What do you use? The chainsaw.

Oh, stop it.

Why did you not tell us before? Y'all didn't ask.

Shit. You use a fucking chainsaw?

CHAINSAW WHIRRS

There we go. See? Jesus Christ!

That's how a real Texan does it.

Why didn't you tell me that earlier? You didn't ask.

Oh, for God's sake! You didn't ask!

You did that in 20 seconds!

Look at that. Look at that.

Hey, watch out, no skinny dipping.

No willy out? No.

Look at that. That is beautiful.

This is... This is incredible.

I'm just checking the "pennal" code. The what code?

The "pennal" code. "Pennal?" What's a "pennal" code?

Listen, "You may commit an indecent exposure offence

"when you expose your anus..."

Fred... ..part of your genitals with intent to arouse or gratify...

Arrest me, not arrest me. Arrest me, not arrest me.

Don't encourage him!

So I've got this for you, this for you and this for me.

It looks like you.

You cannot say that he doesn't look like you, this guy.

Yeah. No, you can't, look at that.

Like that, like that! GORDON LAUGHS

'Fed by natural springs and a constant 75 degrees,

'Wimberley is also home to the Blue Hole,

'the perfect place to cool off.'

Whoa!

He's gonna smash into the tree, look!

Do you wanna go on this one?

You won't be able to do it with your little arms.

FRED LAUGHS

Argh! Let go, let go!

Argh! This is dangerous!

Let go, you doughnut! Shit.

That's flipping dangerous! GORDON LAUGHS

Try not to kill Fred.

GINO LAUGHS Whoop!

MUSIC: 'The Blue Danube' by Strauss

Shit!

I dare both of you, I'll do it, to take your trunks out.

No, stop there. Come on.

You... I'll clean the bathroom better for you if you do it.

Gordon, I'll do whatever you want.

Get yours first. My one? Look.

Ta-dah!

60 seconds, max. 60 seconds.

All right? Go on.

OK!

Where's yours? Oh!

Let me see. I want to check that this is yours.

Oof, right. Pass them back now, please.

Yep. Gino!

You done that to me in Sardinia!

You know, this is not funny. Gino!

Oh, my God, Gino!

Gino! Hey, Gordon, have you ever seen a white dolphin?

A white what?

Jesus!

A white dolphin, look! GORDON LAUGHS

How do we get out of here now? Gino!

GINO: You sure this is the right way?

GORDON: I'm hoping so.

Last direction Bubba text me was, "Look for a fence,

"go through the fence, you'll see, er..."

Ah, very clear! "Look for a fence and take a right on the fence."

Very clear (!)

'Gino, Fred and I are on a culinary adventure in America,

'and we're lost in the woods in the heart of Texas.'

Look at these houses. They're like hunting houses, look.

We don't get a chance to hunt.

It's not PC back home, is it? Here, it's how they survive.

These Texans, they are proper men, aren't they?

That's good. We're gonna man up, Gino, now.

That's exactly what we need to do. Both of you need to man up.

Let me ask you a question.

Out of all three of us, truthfully, now,

who do you consider being the most manly?

I think that you, you are the most macho manly. That's right.

What about the emotional side of a man? That's very important.

That's there as well. So, if I do that, you don't mind?

No, but not for too long. Ah, ma, see, see?

A man, a real man, should embrace another man.

Oh, my God, you've got so much cream on!

You say you're a man and you've got so much cream on!

Fred! Shit, Jesus!

What was that? Shit.

What is wrong with you two?

Who would put a basket with grain in the middle of nowhere?

It's a feed! Gino, we've gotta put it back.

Gino, help me put it back up! Come on.

Thank you. Flippin' 'eck.

Stay there, hold it up.

Let's just put it like that, so nobody sees that.

Honestly. Let's go!

'The next leg of our journey

'takes us ten miles outside Palestine,

'to the remote area around the Trinity River.'

How do you know where we're going, who we're meeting?

We are in the middle of nowhere.

We're going to meet Hunter Bubba.

Come on, man, Hunter Bubba?

Hunter Bubba's been fishing all his life

and this man is an expert.

Think back when you first went fishing with your dad,

and that excitement about having that...

that bend on the rod and that jigging away,

and just the catch. Can I just stop you there? Please.

I've never, ever, ever been fishing with my dad. Wow.

So I don't understand all this excitement

of the rod and the line and this and that.

I think we're getting close, guys. It's somewhere through here. Jesus.

I can see a car. There's a car. That's Bubba.

Is that Bubba? That is Bubba.

Come on, how cool. Fred, you good? Yeah.

Let's go. Gino, help me with the cooler.

Yeah, I'm coming.

There he is. Bubba, good morning! Hey, Gordon! What took so long?

FRED: Oh, my God.

It's kinda like snow skiing. You gotta turn your feet sideways.

Exactly that. Good to see you, bud.

Why are you twisting like this?

This is Fred, this is Gino. How are you?

We brought some beers. I was hoping that was beer.

Nice to meet you.

You come to Texas, you've gotta be prepared.

Prepared for what? Oh, thank you.

You gotta have that here in Texas. Lovely.

I look like a local, don't I? Yeah. Now you'll blend in,

so no one will see you. Y'all hang on to y'all's hats!

BOAT ENGINE ROARS

MUSIC: 'Fire On The Mountain by Bill Monroe & The Bluegrass Boys

'We're headed up the Trinity River, where the locals say

'the dinosaurs still swim.'

'Today, we're hunting alligator gar,

'a huge fish often weighing in at over 200 pounds.'

'With alligator-sharp teeth, these fish demand serious respect.'

That's our anchor. OK, that's good.

How cool is this? I've got a good feeling about this.

So who's gonna catch the first fish? Me, please!

I am here. It's... No! Bubba said me.

No, you say you. Don't argue.

'I've been fishing since I was a boy,

'so I'm confident I've got this one covered.'

You're gonna hurt yourself. Oh, my God!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God. What a dipstick.

We got this, we're gonna win.

They can't even get their bait in the water.

Fucking Laurel and Hardy!

Bubba, I've got a bite. You got a bite? I've got a bite.

Yeah, he's on. Reel it again, set it again.

Reel down and yank back. Reel it down.

There you go. Is he still on? He's on!

Oh, he's off. Oh shit!

Fuck it!

Do you think I tried too early, Bubba?

Uh, yeah. I think it was a little fish.

It was the size of a goldfish.

You come all the way this far, we gotta get a big fish. Yeah.

GINO MOCKING: "Bubba, do you think I tried too early?"

MOCK SOBBING

"Do you think I tried too early?" "Ooh, I'm a real man."

What are you doing?

It's very hot in here. Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Come on, run again, baby, please.

What the hell?! No bananas in the boat.

What do you mean, no bananas?

No bananas, it's bad luck! No wonder we ain't catching shit!

Since when eating a banana is bad luck fishing?

You don't fish very much then, if you didn't know that.

You never bring a banana on board.

No, we ain't gonna catch shit with a banana in the boat.

What the hell?

Bubba, you're too superstitious, man.

I'm not superstitious, but I've done seen too much shit happen

with a banana in the boat.

We're gonna have nothing but bad luck from now.

Gino, put the fucking banana away! Get rid of the banana!

I haven't finished the banana yet. Throw it, throw it out the boat!

Get the banana... Thank you.

Jesus Christ! Jesus.

He's eating the banana.

You jinxed the boat, man.

'What a lot of bollocks with that banana thing.'

I mean, seriously, if I hear that one more time...

I never hear so much shit in my life.

Oh, shh, shh, shh. Gino's got a touch.

Hey, I just want to, like, show you something.

What?

Look. Banana my ass. GINO SNIGGERS

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you!

Pass me the rod, please. Moi?!

I've caught more fish than you've made carbonara. Pass it!

I'm not passing you the rod.

Watch, it's running now. It's running.

Yank it, yank it, yank it, yank it! Yank it, yank it!

What are you doing up there? Pass me the rod!

Pass me... Pass me the rod! Oh shit!

Eat my fucking banana!

Wait, wait, wait. Oh!

Holy shit! Wait, wait. Wait.

Bubba! You real men. You and your bloody banana.

Vai, vai, Bubba. Pick... Jesus! Watch the line.

Watch the line. How do we get him out, Bubba?

I'm gonna rope him. We're in Texas, we rope stuff.

Look at that. Huh? Shit!

GINO CACKLES Stick your rod through the hole.

That's the way it's done.

Minimum effort, maximum satisfaction.

Shit! Yes, my man.

Wow. OK, I got this.

That is a beauty.

Watch out now, watch his head. Watch the teeth.

Sharp teeth. Hello, baby. Ha-ha!

Bubba, can you take the picture?

'That cheeky little banana-scoffing monkey.

'Of all the people to catch the first fish.'

That jammy little bastard.

Yes! GINO AND FRED LAUGH

Yes! Shit. Yes!

To have a big fish like that on the line, it's quite exciting.

Come on, Fred.

To be able to beat Gordon, that's just another win.

You jammy bastard!

'With gar fish living up to 80 years or more,

'it's only right we return this beauty back to the river.'

Bubba, we're dying to spend the night out in the cabin.

Is that OK? Yeah, that's fine.

What kind of supplies you got up there? Some canned food and stuff.

Canned food? Mmm-hmm.

Good luck with that one. Yes? Safe trip back.

Cheers, Bubba. Thanks very much, man.

You two grab the cooler. And walk slowly, guys.

Can we not leave the cooler here?

No, we need the cooler for the night time, come on.

Yeah, take your bananas with you!

Bubba, thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Take care, bud. See ya.

Is this the place?

Look at this place here, then. Come on.

It looks abandoned. It's not abandoned, come on.

It does. We are next to the water and there are crocodiles.

Look at this. There is not a lock?

Huh? Come on! He left it open. Oh, my God.

It's like the lodge in Deliverance, isn't it?

Has he got something to drink?

Hey, look. Cans. Beans. Cans. Cans of stuff.

That's fine, take some spice. I'll take care of that, Freddo.

And guys, there's our beds.

Oh, my God. Look at all these dead animals.

Argh! Jesus!

Are you out of your mind? What's going on with you?

Do not start with this stuff.

I don't like all these dead animals around.

Guys, we've got a bathroom here as well.

GORDON COUGHS

It stinks in here.

GORDON CHUCKLES I'm gonna start dinner.

What are you making?

Er, well, looks like a bean casserole.

Hey, Freddo, I've spotted some bourbon on the top shelf.

I'll bring it later. How long will it be? I'm starving.

DUELLING BANJOS THEME

This has been one of the most exciting trips I've ever been on,

because Texas is... it's all about manhood.

And sharing it with Gino and Fred,

it's nice to bring their inner manhood out.

Ah! It's very good, Gino.

Jim Murray said it's one of the best whiskeys in the world.

This is really super quality stuff. You like it?

Shall we drink it? Well, we've started.

'I mean, this place is like no other.

'It's like nothing I have seen before.'

Just completely, completely wild.

We are in the middle of nowhere here.

I don't feel safe here man, I'm gonna be very honest with you.

Look, we're gonna drink and fall asleep. It's gonna be all fine.

Come on, let's go and eat. Let's see what Gordon's doing.

Come on. He's making beans, man.

Gino! Freddo!

Is it ready?

Oh Jesus. What's he doing?

He's scaring the animals.

I saw it on television. You scare the animal away.

Sit down over there. There are a lot of mosquitoes around.

You know what? It's like being like real cowboys. Look at that!

Cheers. Do you have any ice? Bourbon and coke?

No, just drink it, like, neat, man, like a real man.

Salute. We are Texans now.

GORDON COUGHS

That burns my lips.

Nice. I love the beans.

You know what I like about these beans that you just made? Say.

Finally someone is using black beans, which we never use.

The stew is delicious, Gordon. I'll tell you one thing.

Please. It reminds me of a cassoulet. It's very French.

Oh, Jesus. Very French. We're in Texas.

There's nothing wrong with that. You cook French food.

This is bloody French. You trained in France.

This is a proper Texan bean stew.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you right now,

I'm gonna have a farting problem tonight.

You have that every day, beans won't make a difference.

See, this is gonna accelerate my stomach thing.

I'm dying to get into that double bed,

while you two take the bunkbed.

Are you for real? Have you seen what he's got in there?

'A strange environment.

'The window doesn't lock really well and neither is the door.'

And around here there is wild hogs, there is snakes,

there are alligators. I'm not gonna sleep at all.

What I'm gonna do tonight, I'm gonna cuddle Fred

and I'm gonna stay there all night. I am not moving.

Even if I need to go for a wee-wee, I will do a wee-wee in the bed.

What are you doing? GINO FARTS

Oh! What did I say to you?

Did I or did I not say to you this was the problem with beans?

That is disgusting!

I'm telling you, I've got a fast metabolism. Brilliant (!)

That is disgusting. Well, good luck to you two in here.

FRED: What's going on here, with these clothes?

What is going on?

I don't have any more socks, I don't have any more pants.

But Gino, it's dripping with... with water.

You didn't drain them properly.

# King of the road... #

'Gino, Fred and I are on an epic American road trip.

'After exploring rural Texas,

'we've reached the state capital, Austin,

'one of the largest-growing big cities in the US.'

FRED: I always wanted to be a cowboy, since I'm a kid.

You know, I used to dress up like a cowboy, you know? Serious?

With a sheriff badge and everything, little guns.

We had that for Christmas presents. You know, like your holster, erm...

And then your cap and the little badge, "Sheriff".

I used to do it. My dad bought me, like, an electric train.

My one was the Wild West, so I had the little cowboy,

so I used to dress with a hat.

Every boy wanted to be a cowboy, right?

MUSIC: 'Apache' by The Shadows

'When you're in Austin, Texas,

'the place to go to dress like a cowboy is Allens Boots.'

Let's go. Thanks, Gordon.

Oh, my word. Wow!

What about that smell?

My God, the smell. Smells of true Texan leather.

Hello, how are you? Welcome in. How are y'all?

What an amazing shop. Thank you. How cool is this?

Boots, jeans, shirts, hat. Is that OK? We got it all. Yes, sir.

I don't have pants, 'eh? I do not have...

No, pants... Pants are trousers here.

You know, the knickers.

I don't have knickers, because we washed them yesterday. All right.

Let's have a look round, shall we?

'Allens is a family-run business

'that has been trading in Austin since 1977.'

What's that called, that one? That's a Stetson.

It's black fur felt. Very nice, made in Texas.

We'll steam it,

we'll make sure it matches your jawline, like mine.

Some guys want it flat, some guys want 'em up.

We call it a taco or the roll-up.

What's the coolest? Probably the George Strait look,

which is a classic Western look.

Kind of like, Texas rancher look. I've always wanted to be a cowboy.

I've always wanted to get my balls steamed

and I think this could be the one.

Can I try?

Yeah, go for it. You might burn yourself pretty good.

Gino! GORDON LAUGHS

I've always wanted to do it.

STEAM HISSES Ah! Ah!

THEY LAUGH Get down!

This is too much!

It is good for the testicles. It's not! It lowers sperm count.

See, but I had a vasectomy, I cannot have children anymore.

Oh, nice. You're smart.

But the ball sack, I want it nice and tight.

GORDON: No, no.

So, this is just, kind of, a regular...

Like a bull-rider's crease.

Right. That's nice. Let me see.

Yeah, that feels snug now. So, hat sorted.

Clothes. Where do we go to get fitted?

Uh, let's go back here.

I am not wearing that colour.

What's the colour of your, er, shirt? Blue.

Perfect. Go on.

We've got some for you.

Yeah? Gino!

Hello. Gino! Are you done?

Close the fucking door!

You ready? Yes. Go on, Gordon. We can't wait.

Holy Toledo! Very nice!

What do you think? Oh, la, la!

There's something quite macho, but in a really pleasant way,

not in an obnoxious way, being a cowboy.

Cowgirls, cowboys...

Er, it's a religion here, and it needs to be respected.

You look like the fucking Milky Bar boy from the adverts.

Oh!

Ah, OK.

Mwah! BOTH: Oh, my God!

That's why the shirts are like this!

It's a rodeo, not a try-out for a porn movie.

What is it, Freddie Does Dallas?

As a boy, I've always wanted to be a cowboy,

like John Wayne. And here I am, look at that.

I've dressed the part!

The idea is to look like a proper rodeo cowboy, right?

Oh, yes. Yeah? Through and through.

Oh, my. Yeah? What do you think?

It's amazing.

SILLY VOICE: Get off your horse and drink your beer!

ALL LAUGH

Justin is back!

The only thing I need is a belt.

FRED LAUGHS

So, once I've got a belt on, everything is absolutely spot on.

Are you fucking mad?

This is the day that Randy was born, OK?

Justin is with me. Bring it on.

WOMAN SHRIEKS

Madam, what do you think about this, like a true cowboy?

Right?

Uh-huh! Didn't know they sold 'em like that.

Yes! Jean-y things, look.

SILLY VOICE: Baby, baby, baby, ooh!

I'm so sorry, Madame, I'm so sorry. It's OK.

Gino's bottom is the hairiest bum I've ever seen in my life.

MUSIC: 'Walk This Way' by Hayseed Dixie

I need to put sun cream on my bum.

We're not in San Francisco. Sun cream?

'Seriously? Walking around a city like Austin

'with your arse hanging out is not an option.'

'So, Fred and I insist that Gino puts on some pants...'

They are too tight! I told you these are too tight.

'..before we hit the town for a drink.'

You're taller as well, so be grateful!

But they're too tight! Short arse little cowboy.

Gino, come on.

HOUSE BAND PLAYS COUNTRY TUNE

What the hell's going on here? How are you?

Let's take a seat over at the bar there, yes?

Let's have a drink, let's have a drink.

'The Little Longhorn Saloon in downtown Austin

'is a local institution.'

Hello. Hey, how are you? You good?

'It's been a honkytonk hangout for over half a century

'for Austin's cowboys and cowgirls.'

What can I get you gentlemen? I'm Randy.

"My name is Randy." Ah. My name is Randy.

Would you like a Lone Star at Little Longhorn?

Whatever you think, Madam.

Cheers. Salute. Salud.

Great atmosphere. Thank you very much.

Your shirt is awesome, I love it.

I want you to meet someone very special.

Mmm? This is my beaver.

Oh, nice beaver! I'm sorry. Beautiful. No worries.

Beavers are for kilts. Cowboys don't wear beavers, do they?

They do not. What don't cowboys do?

The rules on the wall.

No fussin', no cussin', no hassellin', no wresslin'.

And no beaverin'! SHE LAUGHS

No beavering either? Yeah, but you don't know what that entails.

Well, I don't wanna know, so I'm just saying.

We've got the rodeo coming up and...

Er, you guys know a good barbeque, right?

Oh, man, the best. What's the secret behind a great barbeque?

It's the transformation. Transformation?

You take a piece of meat, then you have to transform it

into something that'll be delicious with some spices.

Well-selected pieces of wood, seasoned. Yes.

In the right temperature and... Yes. ..magic.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BANDLEADER: Well, thank you.

Folks, we're gonna take a quick break right now.

We've got round one of bingo coming up,

so, er, let's all head out to the back.

So we come all the way to Texas to play bingo?

Bingo. Let's go.

CHEERING What's going on here?

What's going on? It's amazing.

'But this is Texas, so it ain't no ordinary bingo.

'It's Chicken Shit Bingo.'

You got your money out?

Terry, thank you, thank you. How do we play?

If a chicken poops on your number, you win 114 dollars.

CHEERING Come on, Loretta!

Poop on 17! Let's go, Loretta! Here we go.

PATRONS CLAMOUR

Come on, Loretta, 17, 17! Lucky number, 17.

Is it me, or this is weird? This is weird.

This is flipping weird, man. Here we go, here we go.

'The chicken doesn't seem quite as excited as the punters,

'but it's a long-standing tradition,

'and chickens have been shitting here for 25 years.'

STAFF MEMBER: Come on, Loretta, any number on the board.

Come on, girl!

MAN: Blow on her butt. She's so close! Blow on her butt.

Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow, blow! Harder, harder, harder!

I can't believe I'm blowing on a chicken ass.

WOMAN: That's what happens when you get here.

Hey, she likes it, just like I do.

THEY LAUGH

Chicken, shit, bingo.

I mean, you've gotta come up with that, don't you?

Justin, talk to Loretta, animal to animal.

SILLY SINGING VOICE: Baby, baby, baby, ooh!

CHEERING

STAFF MEMBER: Number seven! Number seven!

CHEERING Oh, I can't believe it!

No! CROWD: Seven!

How much has he won? 114 dollars.

Shit! Wow! Yeah!

The beers are on Gino! CHEERING

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Of all the people to win. I mean, that little fucker!

HOUSE BAND PLAYS COUNTRY MUSIC

'In Texas, they say if you don't like country and western,

'you ain't got no soul.

'And these cowboys are living proof that real men do dance.'

Hi, would you like to dance?

Oh, I'm so bad at dancing. It's all right, it's OK.

You sure? Er, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you stand on my feet, I'll move you? Ha-ha, I love it!

Er, so we go, er, one, two, two? Sure. No, you tell me.

Slow, slow, quick, quick. Right.

What kind of a move is that? What...?

Get, get... Get more... Come on, Gordon!

It's not that kind of dancing, you knob!

You've gotta get closer! Closer. Like that.

I'm so sorry.

Gordon, like that. Like that.

GORDON LAUGHS I'm so sorry. Stop it!

Mate!

I'm sorry, sir. Madam, I'm so sorry.

GINO: Little turning, little turning!

Oh, my God. They're so bad.

Would you like to dance? Mmm, oh yes.

Er, be careful, the beaver. He bites.

HE IMITATES BEAVER YAPPING Sorry.

WOMAN LAUGHS His name is Justin. Justin!

Oh, they're causing trouble. Life's good, right?

Oh yeah. They're crazy.

BOTH: Slow, slow, quick, quick.

Oh, we can do the, er, twist thing. Oh, look at that.

Hey, excuse me, will you stop hitting me?

Get closer, get closer! Watch, watch, watch. Huh?

Not so tight!

Ma, get not so tight, beaver to beaver, my friend!

WOMAN LAUGHS That's the motto.

Yee-hah!

GINO WHISTLES MELANCHOLY TUNE

ALL WHISTLE ALONG

'It's the last day of our epic road trip across Mexico and America.'

I'm gonna tell you something that I didn't think I'd say today.

Go on. I'm gonna miss you both.

I'm gonna miss you too, guys.

I... I'm missing you both already.

SINGING: I love you two motherf... HORN SOUNDS

GORDON LAUGHS

GINO: Ooh, hoo...

'Gino, Fred and I are in Texas,

'travelling north to the town of Stephenville

'for a classic American rodeo.

'And I'm planning an amazing, authentic last supper barbeque

'for the boys.'

Brisket, I've got. Yeah.

Ribs, we've got. Sausage we've got. Sausage we've got, yeah.

If you get into trouble, you're not sure how to cook them,

let me know! So, one second,

if I'm not sure how to cook sausages? Yes.

I'll let you know? Yes.

Let me take charge, OK? And it'll all be fine.

I'm pit master on that barbeque. Oh, my God, we've got a master.

Here we go. What's wrong? You and your master!

Master here, master there. You're a master...

Masturbator, that's what you are. A debator?

A masturbator!

FRED LAUGHS That's not very nice!

We are here. Brace yourselves. This is the place?

This is the rodeo.

ANNOUNCER: Hello everybody, welcome

to the cowboy capital of the world.

Wow!

'Today is Stephenville's 50th anniversary rodeo

'and with some of the world's best riders,

'it's just about as big as it gets in the rodeo world.'

What a way to celebrate our last day.

I feel man-ready!

'The main event is saddle bronc riding.'

ANNOUNCER: Let the good times roll!

'Once released, the goal is to hold on for eight seconds,

'until the buzzer sounds.'

Wow. That's crazy!

'Riders who can stay on are scored out of 100.'

ANNOUNCER: The better you ride, the more control, the bigger the score!

Oh, my God. Whoo!

'One wrong move and dislocations or broken bones

'is a real possibility. But, if you're good enough,

'the pay-off is heroic status amongst the crowd.'

You are crazy, man.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Guys, let's go.

GINO: I'm hungry.

'We haven't eaten anything since last night

'and we're all starving.'

Let's get the wood in.

'I can't wait to fire up the smoker for the final cook

'of our American road trip.'

Texas absolutely nails the word "barbeque". Everyone thinks,

"Get it glowing, white heat, super-hot." No,

this thing is low and slow.

Put too much wood, it'll be too hot. Yeah.

OK, so, time?

Gotta get brisket on first, right?

Brisket? Thank you. Come on, the ribs.

Is it me, or this looks like a choo-choo train?

It does.

Take that stupid bit of fur off. Come here. No.

Justin stays here. Jesus Christ, man.

It needs to go. You can't walk... "No, I don't want to go."

FRED LAUGHS

See, you laugh. You laugh at him. Now you're his age.

Because he's funny. "I don't want to go,

"I'm part of the group."

Listen, guys,

This is the most important part of the trip for me

and you two aren't gonna screw it up, OK?

I was really concerned that those two grasped what it took, you know,

to kick-start an amazing barbeque.

You got a piece of meat?

THEY CHUCKLE

Quick, quick, quick. Hey. Who brought this?

I thought, for emergency. Don't start to throw away, because

just in case your marinade doesn't work.

OK, count to ten. One...

You guys have lost the plot!

FRED LAUGHS

GORDON: Oi!

Seriously? That's just gone in my hair!

Well, this is not gonna be fun, is it?

The only thing he does, he makes noise, that guy.

Just moans, moans, moans.

Bring me the stuff. Salt and pepper, that's it.

'I'm gonna miss Gordon, er, always saying

'that he's the best at everything,

'he's the master of everything, he's the macho of everybody.'

You know, that, kind of, voice in the back, a bit annoying,

but yet comfortable to hear.

Is the corn in? The corn is going.

I want it in the top shelf, the smoker, please, yes?

Yes, Gordon. Yes, pit master. Yes, pit master.

Sausages. Just say nothing. Let him do everything and take over.

The corn is going in. Are these seasoned? Leave it to me.

Seasoned. Don't put them with the tray,

put them straight on the grill, 'eh? You're telling ME that?

You're being the alpha male lion, wanna take over.

Somebody needs to take control. Who's doing the potato salad?

I'll do it. Who's doing the beans?

I'll do it. OK.

Like everything else! I'm going to the rodeo.

So, what are we gonna do? Play with yourselves.

Oh, come on. Wait for us! It's the last day, Gordon!

The problem is that he cannot cry. He cannot express his... No.

..his feelings. He's stuck inside his Gordon Ramsay body.

Mr Macho Man.

ANNOUNCER: Come to the cowboy capital of the world.

That's it, let's rock. Here we go.

ANNOUNCER: It's a riding contest!

'600 pro athletes are competing for a 140,000-dollar prize.

'The ultimate goal, to reach the ProRodeo national finals in Vegas.'

The stakes are high, but it's bloody dangerous.

CHEERING

Oh!

ANNOUNCER: 83 and a half.

I mean, it's not good for your back, this, huh?

ANNOUNCER: Number 22 in the world standings.

LIVELY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Shit.

'In many ways, it's like a local derby back home.'

It's like Chelsea versus Tottenham.

You know, everybody comes out, the good and the great

and there are thousands of people in attendance.

ANNOUNCER: Judges love it, 86.5!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wow. That's crazy.

ANNOUNCER: That is the highest score of the weekend.

We've gotta mop now.

'Whilst we've been enjoying the rodeo...'

Wow.

'..our meat has been cooking low and slow.'

It starts with that post oak, the dryness of it,

and just that flavour the bark puts in,

and then you mop, on the hour, every hour.

So, I'm really pleased with it.

Gino? Yeah? Look at this. I've got mine.

Freddo, just look how juicy this is.

'We've taken everything we've learnt

'and got ourselves a real Texan barbeque.'

Oh! It's tender. Ah!

Do you wanna try the ribs? Yes, please. Here, Gino.

One second. Oh, my God.

And how are the easiest things to cook, sausages?

How are they? Mmm. Try this.

Smoked. Fred, Fred?

Oh, my God.

'There's way too much meat for us three,

'but luckily, some of the locals seem to think

'it smells irresistible too. And we're more than happy to share.'

Brisket, sausage, or rib? Definitely brisket.

That's a good man, well done bud. Here's some ribs for you.

That's beautiful brisket. A rib? Sure.

Oh, surprise! Thank you.

Guys, we've got potato salad, we've got coleslaw on the table.

And corn. How beautiful is that brisket?

'I think the misconceptions, you know, back home,

'with American cuisine, is that it's big and bold and tasteless.

'Delve in off the beaten track,

'there's a passion there beyond belief.'

You've gotta get out the cities, you know, into the provinces,

and really dig deep. When you find it, it's beautiful.

Right, how was the brisket? WOMAN: Amazing.

ALL: Really good. How were the ribs?

Good! Very sweet.

But most importantly, how was the sausage?

ALL: It was spicy. Spicy!

It's actually quite sad. Are you crying?

I... You know, there's something, something quite emotional.

I mean, this, for me, is one of the most authentic dinners we've cooked.

It was a... a heartfelt cook today,

because in our minds, it's the last time

we're cooking together for a while.

Come on.

Did you like my brisket? Yes. Did you like my sausage?

Yes. Did you like my ribs? ALL: Yes!

THEY LAUGH

Well done, well done. good job.

As far as a trip, as far as an experience is concerned,

this has just been the best trip ever.

It's come to an end. I know.

Every good thing comes to an end, my friends.

Every good thing comes to an end.

I'm just gonna miss the boys because I genuinely love those guys.

It was an amazing trip. You'll go back a better chef

and you'll going back a better person.

What about you? A better man.

A better man as well? Yes!

THEY LAUGH

I've got an idea. Why don't we play road trip roulette?

Where are we gonna go next?

So, get a dollar and write the destination on.

Good luck. I don't think I know how to spell it.

Come on, Gino.

So, who's gonna pick it? I'm gonna pick it. Here we go.

The master of masters. Here we go.

Yes! That is a dream come true.

To the next trip, boys. Cheers.

I'll see you in Kathmandu!

Where the fuck is Kathmandu?

Boys, it's been a pleasure.