Original subtitles

Previously on Desperate Housewives, Danielle had her baby on Halloween.

You said my father didn't care about me.

Catherine revealed a secret.

I want you to imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter.

Lynette got great news. I got the test results back. You're clean.

While Mike tried to ease his pain, Victor... You know what my dream is?

...reached out to Gabby. You, don't run away, Gabby. If you do, take me with

you. And Edie got revenge.

Don't take it all out on Gabby. Carlos decided to make a fool out of you.

The thing you need to know about Victor Lang is that he was not above using

deception.

Whether it was an insincere promise to a campaign donor, or the artful evasion

of a reporter's questions,

or an outright lie to his constituents.

Victor did what he had to to get what he wanted.

But thanks to some compromising photos, he learned that his wife knew a little

something about deception as well.

For the last time, Carlos, stop calling me.

I told you, I just want to talk.

And I told you, it's over.

So what, you're just going to go back to that chicken -lipped albino?

I don't know. I'm taking it one day at a time.

But what I can say about Victor is he doesn't lie to me about how much money

he's got.

Look, I said I was sorry.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, well, I got to go, Bree.

It's Bree.

Okay, so I just informed my staff that I'm taking the next month off to give my

wife the honeymoon she always wanted.

That's amazing.

Where should we go?

Well, I left some travel magazines in the bedroom. Why don't you go get them?

Oh.

Oh,

my God, Victor. A month in Rio. Sounds like heaven, doesn't it?

Oh, it does. Let's do it.

Hey, why don't we kick off our reconciliation?

With a little weekend on the boat.

That's so romantic. I love that.

Just you and me all alone out in the middle of the ocean?

The girls are going to be so jealous.

Oh, no, no, no. Let's not tell anyone we're going.

It'll be our little secret.

Yes. Victor was not above using deception to get what he wanted.

And what he wanted now was revenge.

The next day on Wisteria Lane began with a bit of deceit.

Bree Hodge told her friends she had given birth in the middle of the night

beautiful baby boy.

And thanks to the healthy lungs of Benjamin Tyson Hodge, it didn't take

Bree's friends to engage in some deceit of their own.

Well, he's just a little piece of heaven.

You're so blessed.

Makes me want to have another one myself.

Or she better take Fentiman to the other room before my friends run out of

lives. No.

You don't appreciate a healthy pair of lungs, that's all, huh?

Come on, baby.

Hey, Lynette, you tell everyone your news?

Oh, this is about the baby.

Wait, did you have that final scan?

Did you hear something?

Well, the results are back, and while you can never actually say you're

She's cured.

to get checked every six months, but yes, the doctor is very optimistic.

Hey, what the hell is all this racket?

Did someone win the lotto? Oh, is he telling everybody the good news about

cancer?

Hey, congrats!

I'm a survivor myself.

Prostate. Oh, muffins. Hey, show some class. Introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Stan.

Is that my robe?

Yeah, sorry.

If I knew when I walked into that card club last night that I would be going

home with this lovely lady, I'd have packed me a change of clothes.

Okay, I get it. We'll get out of your hair.

Come on, handsome. Let's take a shower.

You know, Susan, I don't feel like going over there tonight.

Can't you just drop it off?

No, they just had a baby. We're gonna ooh, we're gonna ah, and then we're

eat.

But I'm tired.

I worked all day. I got a job first thing in the morning.

There's no way out of it, Mike. Just put on your game face and meet me

downstairs. This is what we do in the suburbs.

Ah, yeah.

The suburbs.

And how does Danielle like her baby brother?

Oh, she adores him. She just felt terrible that he had to leave for school

soon.

Speaking of which, we have some extra preschool applications if the two of you

are interested.

It's a little early to be talking preschool.

She just got pregnant.

Our baby still looks like a pre -work.

Oh, honey, you'd be surprised how fast the best schools fill up. And only the

best for our kid, right?

Start saving your pennies. Bonnie Breyer is up to $10 ,000 a year.

$10 ,000?

For used Legos and a potty chair?

And you better apply now.

Debbie Gottlieb had her baby the same day I did, and she could only get wait

-listed at her first three choices.

Oh, by the way, we were invited to her birth this Saturday.

Don't make an excuse for me.

I thought you liked Debbie and Lou.

No, I do.

I just don't care to watch them ritually mutilate their child.

More mooshu, please.

Circumcision's not mutilation. It's a simple surgery meant to promote lifelong

masculine hygiene.

It's a traumatic procedure, which reduces the male's capacity for sexual

pleasure by desensitizing the tip of... We know what it is.

See? I don't think I've ever heard such strong opinions on the subject.

I mean, not that it's something I talk about a lot.

Or ever.

I hope I didn't offend you.

I haven't heard a word since the $10 ,000.

It's just that I remember my own circumcision so vividly.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

My parents disagreed on this issue, too. My dad said no.

So Mother just bided her time until he finally left town on business.

I was five.

Ouch.

She told me we were going for ice cream.

That's why the procedure should be done on baby. They won't remember.

Now, can we please just drop this?

So, Susan, you mentioned something about bringing dessert. What is it?

Um, ice cream.

Sorry.

Oh, so you found the chocolate sauce?

Oh, uh, yeah, right here.

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, I was just taking a couple aspirin.

I hope Orson's rant didn't give you a headache. Oh, no, I've just still got a

little pain from my accident, that's all.

Dale, that was nearly two years ago.

I'm just at the twinge every now and then.

Aspirin does the trick.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll get that.

I thought you kept your boat at the yacht club.

I want it to leave from here. This way we avoid the congestion of the marina.

Where's the crew?

There's no crew.

I let them go.

What? Who's going to bring us umbrella drinks and fillet us when we walk by?

Just consider me your one -man navy.

So you're going to drive this thing by yourself?

Well, you can help. Didn't the captain give you lessons last summer?

Oh, that's right.

Those two boring hours I'll never get back.

Well, the good news is, this trip will be anything but boring.

Hey. Hi.

We need to talk about this Stan thing.

Oh, is that his name? Stan?

When he left, I just sort of said, see ya.

Well... It got me thinking about how much you've had to put your life on hold

these past few months. No big deal.

No, it was a big deal. You have taken amazing care of me, but I know you have

many things you want to get back to.

Not really.

Come on, it must be driving you crazy living with five screaming kids

I don't blame you for wanting a little peace and quiet.

You need to leave, Mom.

Okay.

Okay, I know I shouldn't have brought Dan into the house.

And next time, I promise you, we will do it in the car.

It's not just that. It's the smoking and the swearing and the teaching the kids

how to make a whiskey sour.

It's a science, Lynette.

It's called mixology.

I just think it would work better for everyone if you got your own place.

Okay.

With what money?

You have money, right? I mean, you loaned us that $10 ,000.

Yes, I did.

Wait a minute. That was all the money you had?

You guys needed it. I needed a place to stay.

It seemed like it turned out pretty well for everybody.

What do you mean? I thought you were living with Lucy.

Your sister kicked me out.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Lynette, but your cancer couldn't have

at a better time.

Hey. I need your help with a school thing. Wow.

You never asked for my help. Must be something easy.

What do you know about Dylan's dad?

We've got the genealogy project for school and she wants to find out about

Maybe Dylan should ask her mom.

She gets really weird talking about him.

Why is that, by the way?

Okay, don't tell anybody I told you this.

Her mom said something at my party about her dad being abusive towards

Catherine. And maybe Dylan, too.

Oh. So I'm thinking that it would be better if you could get her to research

somebody else in her family.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

Listen, I was talking to my mom. Yeah.

I heard.

Susan!

It's Brie. I'm glad you're home. Listen, I thought I might stop by for a little

visit.

Hey.

Look, I've only got about an hour before my next job.

Is it okay if I grab a lot of you in front of the TV? I wanted to watch the

game. Oh, sure. I'll bring up a tray. Oh, thanks.

Brie thinks you're doing drugs.

She found this on her kitchen floor, and it's not aspirin.

Well, yeah, my shoulder's been hurting lately.

She says it's a narcotic, and it's highly addictive, given your history.

These were prescribed by a doctor right after my accident.

I found a couple in the medicine cabinet, and I've been carrying them

case my shoulder acts up.

Really? Yeah.

Really. They were the last two.

So you got nothing to worry about.

Oh, thank God.

You have no idea where my mind went. I had you roaming back alleys to score

dope, pawning our good silver to pay your dealer.

And we didn't even have good silver, so it got worse because you had to knock

over a gas station to buy the silver to pawn it off.

I was really making myself crazy.

I'm sorry about that.

But I reiterate, old pill, no problem. I knew it.

I'm so happy.

Good.

Now fix me some lunch, woman.

No! I want to watch the damn game.

Can I help you?

Yes, um, can you... Tell me who I would talk to about having my baby

circumcised.

What do you mean you can't help me?

I received a registered letter from your husband which reads, I do not wish for

my son Benjamin Hod to be circumcised.

Should the recipients of this letter encounter my wife... Please feel free to

show her this letter and assure her of its wide distribution to hospitals and

physicians across this and two neighboring states.

Does it seem too warm to you?

That you even felt such a thing was necessary.

Well, obviously it was.

Forgive me for knowing my wife.

What's that supposed to mean? You don't trust me? I trust you not to break your

word. Since you pointedly refused to give it, I trusted you to snip first and

debate the merits later.

I'm only thinking of Benjamin.

Be reasonable.

You're the one who's unreasonable.

What have you got against untrimmed penises?

They're unsightly.

I do not want our son to be teased.

For being different, do you?

So in the end, it all comes down to tradition and conformity. What is wrong

that? I thought we liked conformity. Not at the price of pain and reduced sexual

pleasure.

I can tell you someone whose sexual pleasure is going to be reduced big

Peter?

What's that?

What was that name you just typed in?

We were assigned a genealogy project.

I have to do research on my father.

I will call your teacher.

She'll assign you a different project.

What do you think you're doing?

I am learning about my father.

Tell him! For years you have told me that my father is too evil to talk

Now I find out you disgust him at a neighborhood game night?

Until your mother, the way you're under my roof, you will obey my rules.

What if I don't?

Are you going to slap me again?

Kick me out of the house?

Go ahead, try it. See what happens.

Sorry, Mom.

You can't stop me this time.

I'm officially no longer afraid of you.

And he needed something for the pain.

So he happened to find the last two pills in the medicine cabinet and he

them.

It's no big deal.

Let me show you something.

You see this bread maker? This is where I hid a bottle of Chardonnay after I

told everyone I'd stopped drinking.

But this isn't the same thing.

Mike wouldn't lie to me about this.

Huh!

And this rotating spice rack? Those little airplane bottles of vodka fit

perfectly in the back.

He said there were no more pills.

I was looking him in the eye.

Susan, medics are experts at deception.

Mind if I see you?

Trust?

This is nice.

A little family get -together.

Why didn't you call Lucy?

Oh, you know, her always busy.

So, Mom, you look good.

Thanks. You seen anybody?

Not that I want to tell you about.

Still alone.

Oh, look, the special is chicken.

Doesn't that sound good?

Order me one. I'm going to the bar and then check the score on the game.

Have fun.

I know what this is, and I'm not doing it. What? What? We're having lunch.

She's not moving back in. I resist your attempts to manipulate me. Nobody is

manipulating you. My boundaries are strong, I know what I want, and I

be happy.

What have you got there? Are you reading from something?

Okay.

As soon as you invited me to lunch, I called my therapist.

And he told me you'd try to guilt me into taking Mom back, but... I will not

emotionally blackmailed. Give me that.

I've already had her, Lynette. She stayed with me for two years. Two years

which my weight ballooned. She put me through four different hairstyles once.

She even brought home this guy she met at a bar.

Oh, not like that now. I don't...

Care. The day she moved out, I got my life back. So if you want to have lunch,

fine.

But that's it.

Okay.

Okay.

Good

for

you.

I'm sorry.

Where's the chicken?

Oh, yeah.

Where is that waiter? I'm going to go find him.

Just hear me out.

If you trim the sides in a little, I think you'll lose that wingy effect you

have going.

Mom! I'm just saying that with the shape of your face... You're not doing

yourself any favors. Do you think you could go for one minute without being

critical? What are you talking about? I have not said one word about your eye

shadow yet.

I reject your negativity. I am as beautiful as I feel inside.

Oh,

thank you.

Thank you for calling about my painting.

I can't believe I forgot that.

Yeah, I know it meant a lot to you.

There's a hole in it.

Yeah, I don't get modern art either.

Edie, I know that you're angry right now, but... You think I'm angry?

Oh, you should have seen Victor.

What? Yeah, we had a little chat.

Actually, he didn't believe that you were screwing his wife.

Until I showed him some photos.

And then he was just enraged.

A little scary.

For God's sakes, Carlos, am I going to have to change his number?

Victor knows.

Knows what?

Everything. Edie told him we're having an affair.

No, it's impossible.

He hasn't said a word.

In fact, I've never seen him so sweet and attentive.

It's an act.

Edie said he was enraged.

Well, if he's so mad at me, why would he take me on a boat trip?

He took you on a boat.

Oh, crap.

I think you need to get out of there.

Gary?

I was just talking to Bree.

We agreed.

Total privacy.

When we head home, you can have it back.

You can talk to Bree as much as you like.

Can I get you something?

You okay?

Actually, I'm really cold.

Maybe we should bail and do this another day.

You know, when it's warmer.

It'll warm up.

Oh, okay. Well, just in case, we should run back to shore so I can grab a

jacket.

Gabby.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

I know about everything. You, Carlos, the affair, everything.

Okay, I am.

So sorry.

But in my defense, you were always gone.

And you knew how needy I was when you married me.

That's it.

That's all you have to say to me. Well, it would be easier to talk if we were

back on shore.

What are you doing?

It's bad enough you betrayed me.

Do I have to listen to your whining?

I brought something for you.

Everything I know about your father, date of birth, his mother's name, last

known address.

Everything you need to find him.

Wow.

Thank you.

Before you take this, you have to promise me something.

You cannot bring him here.

Or even tell him where I am.

Why?

The last time that I saw your father, it was to tell him that I was leaving him.

And I was taking you with me.

He, uh... He always, like, slept me around a little bit.

That night was... unimaginable.

I don't remember everything. I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it.

But once he was done slamming my face into the wall, he started

choking me.

And he kept screaming that he was going to kill me.

And the last thought that I had was,

what would happen to you if I died?

So you can't tell him where I am.

You just can't.

Maybe you can talk to my teacher tomorrow and have her give me another

assignment.

I told you, if you're going to have a tree house, you've got to keep it clean.

Here. Take these and dump them by the front door.

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Mom, hurry. Get out of the car.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Hey!

No, no, no. You are not leaving those here.

Hi, Mom.

Take her away.

Uh -uh, Lynette. You may have been able to strong -arm the weak one, but not me.

I'm not weak.

Then why'd you call me? Get out of our way. Lucy, every fight we have ever had

has ended with my foot on your neck. I guarantee that this one's going to end

the same way, too.

Maybe we should talk inside.

I'm often asked why the Torah tells us that a child must be circumcised on the

eighth day of his life.

Some say that's how long it takes to get a decent caterer.

What a lovely ceremony.

I'm Deborah's friend, Bree.

I have what may strike you as a very odd request.

Trust me, it won't be one I haven't heard.

Do you think while you're here you could do a bris for my baby, too?

Okay. New one.

Good for you.

I know it might seem tacky piggybacking on Deborah's bris, but we could do it in

the den very quietly.

Well, as we just saw, there's no such thing as a quiet bris.

You said your name was Bree? Yes, Bree Hodge.

Born Rabinowitz.

Huh. I wouldn't have taken you for Jewish.

I should only have a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Don't you want a proper bris with your friends and family there? I would love

that, but my husband Orson, big, stubborn goy, he says we should do

let the child decide when he's grown.

We don't pick our parents. We should pick our religion.

I wouldn't feel right doing this without speaking to your husband.

Well, he's out of town and our Benjamin is eight days old today.

And if I don't do this, my grandma, Seidel, will never forgive

me. May she rest in peace.

You realize that this is a covenant.

That whatever your husband says, you are promising to raise your child as a

devout Jew.

I swear to you before God that this child will be as devout a Jew as I am.

Where have you been? I woke up and you were gone.

Oh, we had a very busy day. We dropped off the dry cleaning, we deposited money

into our Christmas account, and then we got circumcised.

You did what?

Just a little unsightly foreskin. He'll never miss it.

So why stop there? Why not cut off his testicles? You obviously have no problem

going after mine.

Of course, then. What do you call it, Bree?

Going behind my back, ignoring my feelings on this. I gave him very

consideration, but it's my blood running in his veins which ultimately makes it

my decision.

Your blood?

So who am I to Benjamin?

A friendly uncle, a male nanny?

Of course not.

But why do you treat me like I'm anything less than his father?

Haven't I earned that during the course of our little hoax?

I lie for you. I risk public humiliation. I do everything but strap

pregnancy harness myself.

I know that.

I see myself as Benjamin's father.

I need to know if you see me that way, too.

I know how much you love Benjamin.

I guess... I guess I just... have to remember that it's love that makes us a

family and not blood.

Your son would like you to hold him.

By the way, his Hebrew name is Simcha.

I'll explain later.

Oh, Carlos, thank God you're here.

Where is he? Where's Victor?

Well, I clubbed him and knocked him overboard.

He's in the ocean? He was going to kill me. He had a gun.

Okay, okay, let me think.

You saw him in the water. I mean, he's not dead, right?

No, he's mad, but he wasn't dead.

So then we'll send someone out there to fish him out.

Call the police, show him the gun, and tell him that it was self -defense. He

still has a gun.

It's in there.

Well, maybe he wanted it to muffle the gun.

There is no gun.

Ice pick?

What are you doing?

I'm calling the Coast Guard.

And tell them what? I knocked my husband overboard because he was coming after

me with a sweater?

No, come on. We gotta go back out there.

Guys, I can't be any clearer on this. I am not taking her back.

It's your turn. Simple as that.

I've had her for four months. I also had cancer for four months. And if I could

have asked... One of them to leave? I'm not sure which I would have picked.

Oh, four months.

Boo -hoo. I had her for a year, and that was the year she joined the Gin of the

Month Club.

I don't have any room for her. I already have seven people in four bedrooms.

There it is, the I have a family card.

Congratulations. You can reproduce. We're all thrilled for you.

Why can't you take her? You are in that huge house all by yourself that you got

from the divorce.

Dave and I are just separated. There's a good chance that he's moving back in,

but not if Mom is living there.

Well, we can't just throw her out on the street.

I can.

My therapist said it's time for me to be a little more Lydia -centric.

I really want to meet this jackass.

Okay, we all have our excuses, but we got to figure something out. Come on,

is our mother.

Is she?

She never acted like one, not that I can remember.

I remember she showed up drunk to my graduation wearing a house coat.

Okay, but...

The point is, she went.

Remember that one Christmas when we came down and there with Mom under the tree,

passed out drunk in the middle of all of our unwrapped toys? My raggedy hands

smelled like peppermint schnapps. Okay, she wasn't perfect, clearly, but she

gave birth to us. We owe her our lives, and now that she needs us, we can't just

turn our back on her.

I know I'm supposed to feel guilty, but I don't.

I don't either.

It's like you're saying you don't care about her.

At all?

And I don't understand that.

Well, if you care so much, then the answer to the problem is sort of

isn't it?

We can help with money.

I can send you $100 a month.

I don't need your money. I can take care of my mother all by myself.

Lynette. Here's how you can help.

Don't visit for the next few years.

Because it seems fairly likely I won't have stopped hating you by then.

I guess that's your way of asking us to leave.

Mom, where's Grandma going?

Going?

What's that?

Get in!

Here, sit him here.

He tried to kill me.

I came back for you, didn't I?

What were you thinking?

Well, I thought you were trying to kill me.

I was just trying to talk to you.

To see if we still had a chance.

To see if you were still screwing this guy.

And what the hell is he doing on my boat?

You mean besides saving your life?

That was a big mistake, buddy.

All right.

Yeah, you're the guy that said if anyone messed with your woman, that you'd use

your money to make them disappear.

All right, now it's just you and me.

So how tough are you without your ATM card?

That's what I figured.

Come on, get up. Hey, hey, get up. I want to see the look on your face when

knife goes in.

Getting pretty good at that.

Okay,

let's pull him back in again.

What, are you crazy?

We'll just tie him up so he doesn't cause any trouble. Victor!

Maybe we should go back out and look some more. We've looked for six hours.

gone.

My God, we killed him.

It was self -defense, right?

He was trying to kill us. We can't prove that.

This is bad, Gabby.

When people find out we're on that boat with him... Maybe they won't.

What do you mean?

No one but you knows I was with Victor.

I'll say he went out alone.

I told him I was leaving him and he was depressed.

Suicidal, even. Only one problem.

The boat's right here.

Then maybe the boat needs to go back out.

Alone.

Whatever you're thinking, I can explain.

I'm thinking that you're a drug addict and a liar.

So say something that's not that.

Susan, listen. Is it so horrible living with me? I mean, do I make you so

miserable that you can't even face me without numbing the pain?

Of course not.

I love you.

Well, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this.

I mean, my God, Mike, we have a baby on the way.

Can I say something now?

Sure, go ahead.

Oh, should I look you in the eyes?

Does it make it easier for you to lie?

I didn't tell you about the pills because I didn't want you to feel

Me feel guilty?

Yeah.

When I put in that water heater from McCluskey, I really wrenched my

The doctor told me I should take a break, but I didn't because that was the

we found out you were pregnant.

And from then on, all I have heard about are car seats and strollers and $10

,000 preschool.

You know, it didn't seem like a really good time for me to quit working.

Mike, we don't need any of that stuff.

Yeah, you say that now.

But when Benjamin Hodge is in Harvard and our kid's just a plumber like his

dad... I just want to

be able to give him the advantages I never got.

The only advantage he needs is to have a healthy dad who's not doing this.

You're right.

I get it.

Okay.

I'm done.

I want to believe you.

It's just... That addicts are good at lying.

Yeah.

You believe me now?

Deception. You find it in all the best homes.

Parents rely on it when dealing with inquisitive children.

Women use it to help keep secrets big and small.

Lovers need it to cover up inconvenient accidents.

Why do people resort to deception?

Because it's a handy tool that helps get us

exactly what we're looking for.